Season 5, Episode 14: The Case of the Missing...Well, Just Read It for Yourself

Episode 14: The Case of the Missing…Well, Just Read It for Yourself

Sheriff Madeline Clementine went to see Roswell Diabolicus to inform her biological father about her new ambition to be an actress. Roswell replied that he knew about her role in “Our Chinese Cousin,” as he was the play’s producer. He explained that he had funded Hop Hop’s play as part of an elaborate plan to get revenge on Abraham Lincoln by shooting him while he was distracted by the show. Madeline pointed out that, besides it being a bad idea to confess his criminal plans to the sheriff, somebody else had already beaten him to it. Roswell has distraught that his first truly evil plan in ages had been spoiled.

Brigham was out in the woods when Trapper Jean wandered by. Trapper Jean could see that Brigham was troubled, and Brigham explained that he has having difficulties with his relationship with Red Clay, complicated by the fact that they were both hiding from their gods. When Trapper Jean realized that Brigham’s life partner was Native American, Jean warned him that the Indians betrayed Jean’s people during the French & Indian War. However, he was willing to give Red Clay the benefit of the doubt.

Red Clay snuck into the saloon to pick up supplies. Constance Snell gladly provided them, even though she disapproved of Red Clay’s gay lifestyle. She told Red Clay about the life of Jesus, and Red Clay remarked that Jesus sounded very similar to Brigham. Red Clay then extolled Brigham’s virtues in a song.

Fantastic Sam stopped by the general store and told Roswell that he had been terrible in the play, having forgotten all his lines. Roswell and Sam went off on a discourse about the history of theater, and the way their lives seemed to play out like the same scene repeated over and over. Sam resolved to break the pattern by going “outside the lines” and stepping out into the audience.

Madeline ran into Trapper Jean in the woods, and was quickly charmed by his Gallic charm. They went inside his tent, and he offered her a seat on his fainting couch.

MADELINE: “I don’t faint, but I recline with the best of them.”

Hop Hop gave Will McGotnuthin a check for 14 cents as payment for his work on the play. Will gratefully replied that he would use the money to buy a ‘D’ encyclopedia for the school. Hop Hop was taken aback to learn that they still didn’t have that volume, and asked how the kids could get ‘D’ grades if they didn’t understand the concept of ‘D.’ Will explained that there were no grades in the Montessori system, and Hop Hop was horrified. Without grades, their school couldn’t be ranked against other schools, and Hop Hop couldn’t get kickbacks. Hop Hop insisted that Will institute a grading system, but Will stood by his principles.

Later that night, Will McGotnuthin secretly visited Abraham Lincoln’s grave and started digging. Fantastic Sam arrived, having had the same idea. Sam believed that Lincoln had arranged the shooting in order to fake his own death. As they dug, a ghostly voice asked, “Who disturbs the grave of Babraham Crinklin?” Realizing that the grave was not Lincoln’s, Sam warned Will that the real Lincoln may be anywhere…possibly having changed his appearance and assumed a new name.

Trapper Jean sang a post-coital ballad to Madeline, then left.

Beside the campfire, Brigham Young and Red Clay started to argue about Brigham’s difficulty in adjusting to their new lifestyle in the woods. Trapper Jean arrived, but when he saw Red Clay, he pulled his gun. As far as Jean was concerned, the French & Indian War was still on. Red Clay pulled his bow on Jean. Confused as to how to handle the situation, Brigham pulled his guns on both of them.

Hop Hop paid a visit to Constance, but was surprised when her greeting lacked its usual enthusiasm. Constance explained that she just didn’t have any passion anymore…somehow, she had lost her fantastic vagina! Hop Hop speculated that her new ambitions as an inventor and actress might have dulled her interest in her old trade, but she insisted that she had literally lost her vagina. Hop Hop pulled out a fortune cookie to find out what to do, and learned that “Silence is sometimes the best answer.”

The three-way standoff between Brigham, Red Clay, and Trapper Jean was interrupted when Constance and Hop Hop rode by, searching for Constance’s vagina. The bizarre intrusion defused the tension, and everyone put down their weapons. Jean advised Red Clay and Brigham to get their issues out in the open in order to revitalize their relationship. Jean suggested they spice up their love life with role-playing, or by making love in unusual places (such as Castle Gayskull). Brigham remained unconvinced that their relationship could be salvaged.

Constance arrived at Castle Gayskull and discovered that Roswell Diabolicus had stolen her vagina. Roswell explained that his life had been ruined by his addiction to the beverage she’d invented, Constance Cola. He wanted her to destroy the formula so it couldn’t do any more damage, and was holding her vagina hostage until she met his demands. Undaunted, Constance whistled, and her vagina came rushing back under her skirt.

CONSTANCE: “If you want a vagina so much, maybe you should make yourself one in this lab of yours!”
ROSWELL: “Well, if you’d remember from a few weeks ago, I HAVE a vagina! I’m a hermaphrodite, with a penis and a vagina. Have you forgotten?”

Disheartened by Constance’s victory, Roswell dismissed her…pausing only to cast doubt on whether it was really HER vagina she’d reclaimed.

Trapper Jean was sleeping in his tent when Madeline Clementine entered, royally pissed-off by his leaving her earlier. Vindictively, she arrested him for shooting Lincoln. Jean grabbed Madeline’s gun “Priscilla,” but Priscilla remained loyal to her owner…even in Jean’s hand, the gun stayed pointed at Jean. Pleading for his life, Jean explained that the shooting was a hoax planned by Lincoln himself. Madeline apologized for believing that Jean was a killer. Then she informed him that he now had syphilis.

As Red Clay sat by the campfire, Brigham arrived, dressed in a French maid outfit (provided by Trapper Jean). Brigham was prepared to put aside his doubts and work to save their relationship. Touched by Brigham’s devotion, Red Clay got down on one knee and asked to marry Brigham in a traditional Chipapoo ceremony. Brigham accepted.

TO BE CONTINUED…