Episode 9: Mystery in Space
His spine having been broken by Altair-9000, Stephan Fechet was lying in the hospital when Dr. Gaye Hoelikker came by to treat him with another of her hawk-guano tonics. She hoped she could cure him as a farewell present before she leaves for the planet Mystic Handjob.
Armageddon Uno delivered the turbo engines that Altair had requested. As payment, Armageddon wanted Altair to find out who killed Dmitri Turnankoff last week, so that Armageddon could take the killer’s scalp in revenge.
Prince Schmultan of the Hawk-People went to Tamborina to discuss the upbringing of Lumpy, the baby that Dr. Hoelikker had given to Tamborina. Having only a short time left to live, Tamborina wanted to spend her last days with the baby. Schmultan swore to be with her as well. (“I’ll die with you…I mean, I’ll be with you when YOU die.”)
Captain Flash Buckstar was flying a kite in preparation for the upcoming Kite-Off competition. A crewman named Bob came by with some data for Buckstar to enter into the Computron. Rather than put down his kite, Buckstar told Bob his personal ID code. As Bob entered the numbers, the Computron, registering Bob as Buckstar, delivered a fatal electric shock.
Armageddon Uno was up at Inspiration Point, preparing to bury Dmitri’s shirt as a farewell ceremony, when Dr. Gaye Hoelikker came by and noticed the tears in his eyes. Reluctantly, Armageddon explained that he had lost his “best friend of three minutes,” and had sworn to kill Dmitri’s murderer. Now that he had gotten that secret off his chest, he felt it was only fair that Gaye tell him a secret of hers. When Gaye hesitated, Armageddon remembered that she’d given him “Mr. Mister 4th of July,” her toy that stored everybody’s deepest secrets. As he held the doll up to Gaye’s face, Mr. Mister 4th of July declared “I killed Dmitri Turnankoff.” Enraged, Armageddon threw the toy to the ground and began shooting it. (“Those plushies can be vicious.”) Only afterwards did the synapses in Armageddon’s brain start connecting, and he realized that Gaye was the killer.
Captain Flash Buckstar was knitting a hat for the upcoming Knit-Off competition, when a crewman named Johnny came by with a delivery of peanut butter for the Captain. When Johnny remarked that he hadn’t tasted genuine Earth peanut butter in years, Buckstar offered him some. Johnny took a taste and immediately fell dead.
Altair-9000 stopped by during Stephan’s physical therapy to apologize for breaking his back. Stephan angrily refused the robot’s apology, then began dragging himself along the floor to attack Altair. Easily sidestepping Stephan’s assault, Altair declared that he’d come to put Stephan out of his misery, but Stephan’s feeble attempts at revenge were too hilarious.
Captain Flash Buckstar and Prince Schmultan finished building a house for the Lunar Habitat for Humanity Build-Off. As Buckstar told Schmultan about the string of bad luck and mysterious deaths that had been occurring around him, another crew member walked by and offered to warm up Buckstar’s Camaro for him. Shortly afterwards, there was the sound of a huge explosion and the crewman’s screams of agony.
Stephan Fechet dragged himself into the casino on his walker. To make it easier for him, Schmultan brought the game down to the floor. Trying to encourage Stephan, Schmultan revealed that in his youth, he suffered from wingiosis, a crippling deformity of the wings. Schmultan urged Stephan to overcome his disability just as he had.
Captain Flash Buckstar was in the final frame of the Miniature Bowling Bowl-Off when Armageddon Uno came by with a hank of hair stuffed in his belt. Armageddon explained that he’d tried to scalp Dmitri’s killer as he’d sworn, but he only managed to cut off one pigtail before she ran away. As Buckstar told Armageddon about the attempts on his life, another crewman entered. (“Somebody mailed me this vial of poison and told me to give it to you. Think I’ll drink it myself.”)
Setting up the turbo engines, Altair-9000 gloated about his plan to accelerate the moon out of its orbit and into the sun. He attempted a diabolical laugh.
Tamborina went to Dr. Gaye Hoelikker’s office and was startled to see the half-scalped Gaye’s new asymmetrical hairdo. Running a medical scanner over Tamborina, Gaye confirmed that Tamborina was dying, but hinted that she might be able to do something with the DNA that’s been accumulating on the cigarette Tamborina’s had in her mouth for 50 years. Setting down for a heart-to-heart talk, Tamborina said that she thought Gaye and Schmultan would make a good couple, and that they could raise Gaye’s baby together.
Armageddon Uno was piloting Stephan Fechet to another doctor who might be able to fix Stephan’s spine. In an attempt to make it easier for Stephan to sit, Armageddon unstrapped Stephan’s backpack. Freed of its weight, Stephan suddenly stood up and began walking. (“It was the backpack the entire time!”)
Captain Flash Buckstar used the Computron to contact the world’s greatest detective, Sir John Holmes of Scotland Yard, who appeared as a holographic projection. After Buckstar explained all the attempts on his life, Holmes started his amazing deductions. Unfortunately, before he could reveal the killer’s identity, the connection was broken.
Prince Schmultan took Tamborina out to the pool for one last fling. When she asked who was taking care of the baby, he replied that he’d left her at home alone, but reassured Tamborina that she’d be fine. As she began to lecture him on parental responsibility, he explained that he was only kidding…he’d left her in Armageddon Uno’s care. Just then, Armageddon came by with Lumpy and threw her into the pool to teach her to swim. Schmultan dove in and rescued her, and Tamborina apologized for doubting him. Schmultan asked Tamborina to marry him.
Captain Flash Buckstar discovered one of the turbo engines Altair had set up, and figured that this was part of the plot to kill him. Just then, the killer finally revealed himself…it was none other than an older version of Buckstar himself! The older Buckstar explained that he’d come back in time to kill his younger self, since he’d always hated himself and what he’d done to his career. Altair-9000 and Armageddon Uno entered, and Altair revealed that the future Buckstar had promised him the secret to becoming human in exchange for killing the past Buckstar. Altair snapped the young Buckstar’s neck, and both Buckstars fell dead on top of each other. Altair and Armageddon then headed off to activate the turbo engines.
TO BE CONTINUED…
Showing posts with label flash buckstar. Show all posts
Showing posts with label flash buckstar. Show all posts
Friday, February 20, 2009
Thursday, February 19, 2009
Season 9, Episode 8: To the Death
Episode 8: To the Death
In the bar, Dr. Gaye Hoelikker was still hiding in a burlap sack, waiting to come out for Altair’s birthday party. Gortex arrived and informed her that she’d missed the party. (“It was quite good. He went insane and hurt people.”) Removing the sack, Gortex was stunned to see that Gaye had given birth while waiting. Gortex held the baby and began crying. (“Those aren’t tears, it’s clear blood! We call it eye plasma!”)
Back from his Officers and Gentlemen Convention, Captain Flash Buckstar summoned Altair to the command center to fill him in on what had happened during his absence. After a long conversation filled with mangled metaphors and a complete lack of information, Altair announced that he was sick of Buckstar’s incompetence.
Tamborina received a visit from her old dance partner, Sal Steinbersky. Sal informed her that he’d figured out a loophole in Earth’s gambling prohibition, and invited her to join him at his new casino. She replied that she had some issues to resolve in her relationship with Prince Schmultan. Plus, she couldn’t leave without a big show-stopper…or a killing spree.
Armageddon Uno and Dmitri Turnankoff (now healed from his near-fatal poisoning) were returning to the moonbase, following their wacky adventures through the galaxy.
DMITRI: “Our hatred has turned to grudging respect, then friendship, then creepy love, then back to friendship.”
During a Little League game between Earth children and Hawk-Children, Buckstar took Schmultan aside to discuss Schmultan’s fear-based coaching techniques, but their effectiveness was proved when a Hawk-child hit a home run. Buckstar gave the kid a congratulatory pat on the ass, much to Schmultan’s dismay.
Dr. Hoelikker introduced Tamborina to her new baby. (“I call her Lumpy, ’cause she was born in a potato sack and she’s slightly misshapen.”) Gaye confessed that she didn’t feel that she’d make a good mother, but couldn’t give the child up for adoption because Gortex wanted to be a father so badly. Tamborina suggested that Gaye give the baby to her, and she’d let Gortex have visitation rights.
Meeting Armageddon Uno at the base’s Bill Bixby film festival, Altair-9000 asked Armageddon to use his smuggling prowess to get him five turbo engines. As payment, Altair would arrange it so that Armageddon would continually win at Texas Hold ’Em.
Because Dmitri had, a long time ago, shot down Gortex’s ship and stranded him on the moon, Gortex now challenged him to a death-match in the moon arena. Dmitri could bring whatever weapons he wished, while Gortex would go unarmed. (“I AM a weapon.”)
Later, Gortex stopped by the casino and saw Tamborina with Gaye’s baby. After Tamborina explained that she’d adopted her, Gortex asked to hold the baby. Gortex stuck the baby under his shirt, explaining that, in Klingon society, it is the men who breast-feed their young. (“Klingon nursing is not like your weak, liquid nourishment…it’s solid and crunchy.”)
Dr. Hoelikker was low-gravity skydiving with Altair-9000, reveling in the freedom she’d regained since giving up her baby. Out of respect for her, Altair warned her to leave the moonbase and return to Earth “if you don’t want to go up in a flaming ball of flame.” When she asked how much time she had, Altair replied “I estimate one to three episodes.”
In the spa, Sal Steinbersky confronted Prince Schmultan about their rivalry for Tamborina’s heart. They realized that Tamborina herself was the only one who could decide which one of them she loved.
SCHMULTAN: “We let her choose. If she’s indecisive, we do paper/rock/scissors… moon style!”
At the command center, Dmitri confessed to Captain Flash Buckstar that he had been a KGB agent spying on the moonbase, but his recent brush with death had made him turn over a new leaf. He revealed that, before his change of heart, he had placed a voice-activacted doomsday device somewhere on the base…but due to his illness, he could no longer remember its location or the code-word.
Armageddon Uno was haggling with some Jawas over the turbo engines, when Dr. Gaye Hoelikker came by and told him she was leaving the moonbase. As a parting gift, she gave him her rocket-shaped toy, “Mr. Mister 4th of July,” which held the secrets of everybody on the moonbase. To demonstrate, she pressed its head, and a recorded voice announced “Armageddon Uno has one testicle.” As Armageddon accepted the remarkable gift, Gaye announced that she was heading off to the Mystic Handjob Planet.
Sal Steinbersky and Prince Schmultan asked Tamborina which one of them she loved. Without hesitation, she said that she loved Schmultan. However, she had yet another revelation for them…she only had a few days left to live. She asked Schmultan to look after the baby after she’s gone.
Dmitri Turnankoff and Gortex met in the arena for their death-match. Since Gortex had told him he could bring any weapons (plural), Dmitri brought a huge box full of armaments. Before the match begain, Gortex and Dmitri expressed their respect for each other, and Dmitri gave Gortex a swig of vodka. The match began, and they squared off to the tune of “Hangin’ Tough.” Dmitri grievously wounded Gortex with a machine-gun and rocket launcher, but before he could deal the final blow, Dr. Gaye Hoelikker suddenly grabbed a Cosmic Disemboweler and shot Dmitri.
TO BE CONTINUED…
In the bar, Dr. Gaye Hoelikker was still hiding in a burlap sack, waiting to come out for Altair’s birthday party. Gortex arrived and informed her that she’d missed the party. (“It was quite good. He went insane and hurt people.”) Removing the sack, Gortex was stunned to see that Gaye had given birth while waiting. Gortex held the baby and began crying. (“Those aren’t tears, it’s clear blood! We call it eye plasma!”)
Back from his Officers and Gentlemen Convention, Captain Flash Buckstar summoned Altair to the command center to fill him in on what had happened during his absence. After a long conversation filled with mangled metaphors and a complete lack of information, Altair announced that he was sick of Buckstar’s incompetence.
Tamborina received a visit from her old dance partner, Sal Steinbersky. Sal informed her that he’d figured out a loophole in Earth’s gambling prohibition, and invited her to join him at his new casino. She replied that she had some issues to resolve in her relationship with Prince Schmultan. Plus, she couldn’t leave without a big show-stopper…or a killing spree.
Armageddon Uno and Dmitri Turnankoff (now healed from his near-fatal poisoning) were returning to the moonbase, following their wacky adventures through the galaxy.
DMITRI: “Our hatred has turned to grudging respect, then friendship, then creepy love, then back to friendship.”
During a Little League game between Earth children and Hawk-Children, Buckstar took Schmultan aside to discuss Schmultan’s fear-based coaching techniques, but their effectiveness was proved when a Hawk-child hit a home run. Buckstar gave the kid a congratulatory pat on the ass, much to Schmultan’s dismay.
Dr. Hoelikker introduced Tamborina to her new baby. (“I call her Lumpy, ’cause she was born in a potato sack and she’s slightly misshapen.”) Gaye confessed that she didn’t feel that she’d make a good mother, but couldn’t give the child up for adoption because Gortex wanted to be a father so badly. Tamborina suggested that Gaye give the baby to her, and she’d let Gortex have visitation rights.
Meeting Armageddon Uno at the base’s Bill Bixby film festival, Altair-9000 asked Armageddon to use his smuggling prowess to get him five turbo engines. As payment, Altair would arrange it so that Armageddon would continually win at Texas Hold ’Em.
Because Dmitri had, a long time ago, shot down Gortex’s ship and stranded him on the moon, Gortex now challenged him to a death-match in the moon arena. Dmitri could bring whatever weapons he wished, while Gortex would go unarmed. (“I AM a weapon.”)
Later, Gortex stopped by the casino and saw Tamborina with Gaye’s baby. After Tamborina explained that she’d adopted her, Gortex asked to hold the baby. Gortex stuck the baby under his shirt, explaining that, in Klingon society, it is the men who breast-feed their young. (“Klingon nursing is not like your weak, liquid nourishment…it’s solid and crunchy.”)
Dr. Hoelikker was low-gravity skydiving with Altair-9000, reveling in the freedom she’d regained since giving up her baby. Out of respect for her, Altair warned her to leave the moonbase and return to Earth “if you don’t want to go up in a flaming ball of flame.” When she asked how much time she had, Altair replied “I estimate one to three episodes.”
In the spa, Sal Steinbersky confronted Prince Schmultan about their rivalry for Tamborina’s heart. They realized that Tamborina herself was the only one who could decide which one of them she loved.
SCHMULTAN: “We let her choose. If she’s indecisive, we do paper/rock/scissors… moon style!”
At the command center, Dmitri confessed to Captain Flash Buckstar that he had been a KGB agent spying on the moonbase, but his recent brush with death had made him turn over a new leaf. He revealed that, before his change of heart, he had placed a voice-activacted doomsday device somewhere on the base…but due to his illness, he could no longer remember its location or the code-word.
Armageddon Uno was haggling with some Jawas over the turbo engines, when Dr. Gaye Hoelikker came by and told him she was leaving the moonbase. As a parting gift, she gave him her rocket-shaped toy, “Mr. Mister 4th of July,” which held the secrets of everybody on the moonbase. To demonstrate, she pressed its head, and a recorded voice announced “Armageddon Uno has one testicle.” As Armageddon accepted the remarkable gift, Gaye announced that she was heading off to the Mystic Handjob Planet.
Sal Steinbersky and Prince Schmultan asked Tamborina which one of them she loved. Without hesitation, she said that she loved Schmultan. However, she had yet another revelation for them…she only had a few days left to live. She asked Schmultan to look after the baby after she’s gone.
Dmitri Turnankoff and Gortex met in the arena for their death-match. Since Gortex had told him he could bring any weapons (plural), Dmitri brought a huge box full of armaments. Before the match begain, Gortex and Dmitri expressed their respect for each other, and Dmitri gave Gortex a swig of vodka. The match began, and they squared off to the tune of “Hangin’ Tough.” Dmitri grievously wounded Gortex with a machine-gun and rocket launcher, but before he could deal the final blow, Dr. Gaye Hoelikker suddenly grabbed a Cosmic Disemboweler and shot Dmitri.
TO BE CONTINUED…
Tuesday, February 17, 2009
Season 9, Episode 6: Everybody Dies
Episode 6: Everybody Dies
Captain Flash Buckstar and Harmonica were preparing for the moonbase’s upcoming Fantasy Enchantment Parade. This had to be the biggest event of the season, outdoing even the Sandy Hawkins Dance on Uranus. As they discussed the plans, they found that they could no longer hide their feelings for one another, and they decided to meet later that night…privately.
In the shuttle, Gortex was carrying a passenger to the base: Blake Cherish, former kickboxing champion turned corporate surveyor for Peck Calhoun’s oil company. Blake explained that, now that Calhoun had bought the moon’s oil supply from the Hawk-People, he’d been sent to observe and evaluate the moonbase personnel. Gortex was more interested in Blake’s martial-arts prowess, and challenged him to unarmed combat.
While preparing the drinks for the big event, Prince Schmultan told Altair-9000 how much he respected Altair for his memory and abilities. Altair replied that nobody had ever expressed appreciation for him…they were usually too busy giving him orders and reprogramming him to kill. Schmultan offered him a Restraint Restrainer to stop him from being reprogrammed again, but told him he had to decide for himself whether to install it.
Harmonica greeted Johnny Forever, the entertainer hired for the Fantasy Enchantment Parade. She told him that he’d be sharing the bill with Altair, who would be showing off his pop-and-lock dance moves. Johnny exclaimed that he’d been looking for a pop-and-lock dancer for his own act.
Flash Buckstar was at the console when Blake Cherish entered for Buckstar’s evaluation. Blake observed that Buckstar had been stripped of command several times and was never actually reappointed. However, he offered Buckstar a chance to make himself useful in the parade by sitting in a cage while kids throw wet sausages at him. Buckstar liked the idea of the cage and wet sausages, but suggested that they get drunk women instead of kids. They could make a video of it, and throw in a robot with no restraints…a Robot Gone Wild.
Johnny Forever asked Altair to dance in his shown. Altair agreed, but warned that he didn’t dare do his signature backspin move…the last time he tried it, he spun so fast that he accidentally cut off the legs of several kids. Johnny revealed that he knew all about the Backspin Massacre of Topeka…in fact, he had gone on Celebrity Jeopardy to raise money to get those kids new legs, so everything was all right now.
Schmultan and Gortex were putting the finishing touches on their parade float. Schmultan complimented Gortex on his floral arrangements and cherubs. Gortex first tried to maintain his macho Klingon image (“It’s the Flying Baby of Death!”), but finally confessed that Klingons are passionate in all things…not just war, but also decorating, baking and macramé. Johnny Forever came by and awarded their float the blue ribbon. Schmultan and Gortex hugged each other in celebration, then agreed never to mention it again.
Later, Johnny Forever ran into Gortex in the casino. Johnny reminisced about his last tour of the Klingon system, where he scored with 5 Klingon women. Gortex asked if he was sure about that, explaining that Klingons have five genders. (“Male, female, shemale, emale, and centidomingo.”) Unfazed by this revelation, Johnny offered Gortex a spot in the show: Gortex would demonstrate his talent by killing a random audience member with an empty can of Pabst Blue Ribbon.
Flash Buckstar and Harmonica went out for a picnic, flirting over peanut butter. As they held each other passionately, Flash suddenly began choking on the peanut butter. Thinking quickly, Harmonica turned their embrace into the Heimlich maneuver.
Prince Schmultan was manning the festival’s blood-drive tent when Blake Cherish came by to evaluate him. After donating a pint, Blake informed Schmultan that the Hawk-People were standing in the way of corporate progress, then ordered Schmultan to clip his wings. A fight broke out. When Schmultan accidentally got his head stuck in a bucket, Blake seized the opportunity by stripping off his jacket and strangling Schmultan with it.
After setting up a camera for his “Robots Gone Wild” video, Flash Buckstar called Altair to the bridge and offered him a beer. Buckstar asked Altair if he’d ever been in a video, then asked him to shake his stuff for the camera. Altair reluctantly opened his chest panel, then sobbed that he felt dirty. In the interest of fairness, Buckstar opened his shirt for Altair.
In the bar, Johnny Forever asked Blake Cherish to join his show. (“I admire a man in a Mary Lou Retton jacket.”) Blake offered to demonstrate his kickboxing skills by fighting Gortex to the death. Johnny replied that Gortex already had a spot in the show, and suggested that he battle Buckstar instead.
Harmonica ran into the casino and told Gortex that she feared for Buckstar’s safety. Gortex realized that he could finally repay his blood-debt by saving Buckstar’s life. Suddenly, Gortex heard a distress signal, and rushed off to find Schmultan’s still form. Gortex performed mouth-to-mouth resuscitation…and continued the mouth-to-mouth even after Schmultan recovered.
Finally, the time came for Johnny Forever’s Spectacular. Johnny started off the show by singing to a girl from the audience. Johnny then pulled a man from the audience, and Gortex killed him by pressing a PBR can against his throat. Suddenly, Schmultan burst in and demanded vengeance against Blake Cherish. Johnny announced that the deathmatch between Blake and Buckstar would now be a three-way battle. The terrible struggle began. In the course of the melee, Schmultan accidentally impaled Harmonica with his sword-staff…several times. Schmultan slashed Blake, but Blake seized the sword-staff and struck Schmultan and Buckstar before collapsing himself. Gortex rushed to Schmultan’s side for more mouth-to-mouth. Buckstar staggered to his feet and announced that he was all right…just before Altair’s backspin knocked his legs out from under him.
TO BE CONTINUED…
Captain Flash Buckstar and Harmonica were preparing for the moonbase’s upcoming Fantasy Enchantment Parade. This had to be the biggest event of the season, outdoing even the Sandy Hawkins Dance on Uranus. As they discussed the plans, they found that they could no longer hide their feelings for one another, and they decided to meet later that night…privately.
In the shuttle, Gortex was carrying a passenger to the base: Blake Cherish, former kickboxing champion turned corporate surveyor for Peck Calhoun’s oil company. Blake explained that, now that Calhoun had bought the moon’s oil supply from the Hawk-People, he’d been sent to observe and evaluate the moonbase personnel. Gortex was more interested in Blake’s martial-arts prowess, and challenged him to unarmed combat.
While preparing the drinks for the big event, Prince Schmultan told Altair-9000 how much he respected Altair for his memory and abilities. Altair replied that nobody had ever expressed appreciation for him…they were usually too busy giving him orders and reprogramming him to kill. Schmultan offered him a Restraint Restrainer to stop him from being reprogrammed again, but told him he had to decide for himself whether to install it.
Harmonica greeted Johnny Forever, the entertainer hired for the Fantasy Enchantment Parade. She told him that he’d be sharing the bill with Altair, who would be showing off his pop-and-lock dance moves. Johnny exclaimed that he’d been looking for a pop-and-lock dancer for his own act.
Flash Buckstar was at the console when Blake Cherish entered for Buckstar’s evaluation. Blake observed that Buckstar had been stripped of command several times and was never actually reappointed. However, he offered Buckstar a chance to make himself useful in the parade by sitting in a cage while kids throw wet sausages at him. Buckstar liked the idea of the cage and wet sausages, but suggested that they get drunk women instead of kids. They could make a video of it, and throw in a robot with no restraints…a Robot Gone Wild.
Johnny Forever asked Altair to dance in his shown. Altair agreed, but warned that he didn’t dare do his signature backspin move…the last time he tried it, he spun so fast that he accidentally cut off the legs of several kids. Johnny revealed that he knew all about the Backspin Massacre of Topeka…in fact, he had gone on Celebrity Jeopardy to raise money to get those kids new legs, so everything was all right now.
Schmultan and Gortex were putting the finishing touches on their parade float. Schmultan complimented Gortex on his floral arrangements and cherubs. Gortex first tried to maintain his macho Klingon image (“It’s the Flying Baby of Death!”), but finally confessed that Klingons are passionate in all things…not just war, but also decorating, baking and macramé. Johnny Forever came by and awarded their float the blue ribbon. Schmultan and Gortex hugged each other in celebration, then agreed never to mention it again.
Later, Johnny Forever ran into Gortex in the casino. Johnny reminisced about his last tour of the Klingon system, where he scored with 5 Klingon women. Gortex asked if he was sure about that, explaining that Klingons have five genders. (“Male, female, shemale, emale, and centidomingo.”) Unfazed by this revelation, Johnny offered Gortex a spot in the show: Gortex would demonstrate his talent by killing a random audience member with an empty can of Pabst Blue Ribbon.
Flash Buckstar and Harmonica went out for a picnic, flirting over peanut butter. As they held each other passionately, Flash suddenly began choking on the peanut butter. Thinking quickly, Harmonica turned their embrace into the Heimlich maneuver.
Prince Schmultan was manning the festival’s blood-drive tent when Blake Cherish came by to evaluate him. After donating a pint, Blake informed Schmultan that the Hawk-People were standing in the way of corporate progress, then ordered Schmultan to clip his wings. A fight broke out. When Schmultan accidentally got his head stuck in a bucket, Blake seized the opportunity by stripping off his jacket and strangling Schmultan with it.
After setting up a camera for his “Robots Gone Wild” video, Flash Buckstar called Altair to the bridge and offered him a beer. Buckstar asked Altair if he’d ever been in a video, then asked him to shake his stuff for the camera. Altair reluctantly opened his chest panel, then sobbed that he felt dirty. In the interest of fairness, Buckstar opened his shirt for Altair.
In the bar, Johnny Forever asked Blake Cherish to join his show. (“I admire a man in a Mary Lou Retton jacket.”) Blake offered to demonstrate his kickboxing skills by fighting Gortex to the death. Johnny replied that Gortex already had a spot in the show, and suggested that he battle Buckstar instead.
Harmonica ran into the casino and told Gortex that she feared for Buckstar’s safety. Gortex realized that he could finally repay his blood-debt by saving Buckstar’s life. Suddenly, Gortex heard a distress signal, and rushed off to find Schmultan’s still form. Gortex performed mouth-to-mouth resuscitation…and continued the mouth-to-mouth even after Schmultan recovered.
Finally, the time came for Johnny Forever’s Spectacular. Johnny started off the show by singing to a girl from the audience. Johnny then pulled a man from the audience, and Gortex killed him by pressing a PBR can against his throat. Suddenly, Schmultan burst in and demanded vengeance against Blake Cherish. Johnny announced that the deathmatch between Blake and Buckstar would now be a three-way battle. The terrible struggle began. In the course of the melee, Schmultan accidentally impaled Harmonica with his sword-staff…several times. Schmultan slashed Blake, but Blake seized the sword-staff and struck Schmultan and Buckstar before collapsing himself. Gortex rushed to Schmultan’s side for more mouth-to-mouth. Buckstar staggered to his feet and announced that he was all right…just before Altair’s backspin knocked his legs out from under him.
TO BE CONTINUED…
Monday, February 16, 2009
Season 9, Episode 5: Goodbye, Fish & Chips
Episode 5: Goodbye, Fish & Chips
Having gained possession of the Mustache of Authority, Prince Schmultan was flying over the moon’s surface searching for a volcano to destroy it. He felt the power of the mustache tempting him (and even began speaking in a Gollumesque voice), but resisted and managed to hurl the mustache into the Crack of Doom.
Having served his sentence for attempting to destroy the Earth, Stephan Fechet was released from the brig by Altair-9000. Stephan complained about his harsh treatment, asking why he wasn’t given a second chance to learn from his mistakes.
ALTAIR: “Stephan, you were in jail for nine days for singeing the entire Earth.”
STEPHAN: “Well, don’t that seem a little fuckin’ steep?”
Dr. Gaye Hoelikker had Gortex run the medical scanner over her fetus, explaining that she had developed an ectopic pregnancy…so ectopic, in fact, that the baby was growing in her thigh. Gortex marveled that this phenomenon was unheard of in Klingon society. He explained that Klingon semen is so potent, it cuts the female into five pieces, and those pieces become babies. Impressed by the Klingons’ emphasis on strong father figures, Gaye asked Gortex to be her child’s father.
Captain Flash Buckstar and hotshot gambler Peck Calhoun were bonding over a game of Twenty-One. Buckstar confessed that he no longer felt like a man since losing his mustache.
Prince Schmultan was in the docking bay, waiting for the shuttle from Earth and news of Tamborina. Much to his surprise, the passenger who emerged from the shuttle was Tamborina’s sister Harmonica. She had good news and bad news…Tamborina had survived the scorching of the Earth, but she was seeing another man. Relieved yet heartbroken, Schmultan asked Harmonica to have a drink with him.
After installing a new memory chip in Altair-9000, Captain Buckstar told the robot that he’d lost his confidence to lead. (“All great leaders have mustaches, like Stalin and Wilford Brimley!”) Altair suggested that Buckstar start a self-improvement course, and find the mustache in his heart.
Peck Calhoun met with Gortex to draw up a contract regarding Peck’s ownership of Gortex. Gortex related his history to Peck: He was on a Klingon surveyor study, when a Russian cosmonaut fired a missile at their craft, stranding him on the moon. Gortex was so shamed by this defeat that he could not contact his people until he redeems himself by taking control of the base. Peck told him that he could control anything with money, and offered to help.
PECK: “I’ve got the brains, you’ve got the brawn.”
GORTEX: “Let’s make lots of money?”
PECK: “Damn, you got bad taste in music.”
Running into Stephan as he went about his janitorial duties, Dr. Gaye Hoelikker launched into a Shakespearean soliloquy about his fall to such a lowly station. Stephan blamed her for his actions, claiming that he never would have taken the Mustache of Authority if not for the tonic she gave him.
Prince Schmultan had a dream of the Mustache of Authority flying around his head, tempting him. He refused, and began battling the mustache. When he awoke, he discovered that his room had been wrecked. (“No dream could have turned over furniture!”)
Taking over her sister’s club, Harmonica was auditioning new talent. Altair tried out as an impressionist. (“Here’s my Bill Cosby… ‘I’m wearing a sweater!’”) Despite his lack of talent, Harmonica hired him. Since he serves as the station’s ATM, Altair suggested that he simply retain his pay inside himself.
Flash Buckstar went to Dr. Hoelikker’s office, wearing a thick fake beard to restore his authority…but it was only a temporary measure. Gaye gave him a serum to restore his facial hair, though she warned him that it had the side effect of periodic, uncontrollable urges to sing. (“Hair and power always come at a price.”)
Having been selected Klingon Hunk of the Year, Gortex was getting some photos taken by Stephan, in a sexy “Blow Up”-style montage. Gortex told Stephan how much he respected him for attempting to destroy the Earth. Stephan explained that he’d simply wanted to free the Earth from the oppressors and give it back to the people. Gortex pointed out the flaw in Stephan’s plan…the oppressors ARE people.
Prince Schmultan was giving Peck Calhoun a tour of the moon. Peck revealed that his Texas-senses had detected that the moon’s center was made entirely of oil. He offered to buy the moon, assuring Schmultan that the drilling would do no harm to the moon or Schmultan’s people…except for a few that he might have to kill over religious differences.
In the bar, Stephan Fechet and Harmonica started a conversation, but they kept talking at cross-purposes and nothing much came of it except that Harmonica established that her necklace was the secret to the moon’s survival.
Dr. Gaye Hoelikker poured her tonic into one of Altair’s ports, instilling in him great ambition and a desire for Limburger cheese. With Altair firmly under her influence, she sent him out to kill Stephan.
Gortex and Schmultan were fishing in one of the moon’s canals. Unused to fly-fishing, Gortex explained the Klingon way of fishing: They hurl their ultra-powerful sperm into the water, killing the fish and causing them to float to the surface. When Schmultan remarked how disgusting that was, Gortex realized that he’d never really thought about it before. He immediately lost his taste for fish & chips.
In the casino, Flash Buckstar and Peck Calhoun proposed a game for the ultimate stakes. Peck put up his mustache, and Buckstar staked the base’s cache of weapons. Playing High-Low at ten paces, Buckstar drew a 9…but Peck drew an ace.
TO BE CONTINUED…
Having gained possession of the Mustache of Authority, Prince Schmultan was flying over the moon’s surface searching for a volcano to destroy it. He felt the power of the mustache tempting him (and even began speaking in a Gollumesque voice), but resisted and managed to hurl the mustache into the Crack of Doom.
Having served his sentence for attempting to destroy the Earth, Stephan Fechet was released from the brig by Altair-9000. Stephan complained about his harsh treatment, asking why he wasn’t given a second chance to learn from his mistakes.
ALTAIR: “Stephan, you were in jail for nine days for singeing the entire Earth.”
STEPHAN: “Well, don’t that seem a little fuckin’ steep?”
Dr. Gaye Hoelikker had Gortex run the medical scanner over her fetus, explaining that she had developed an ectopic pregnancy…so ectopic, in fact, that the baby was growing in her thigh. Gortex marveled that this phenomenon was unheard of in Klingon society. He explained that Klingon semen is so potent, it cuts the female into five pieces, and those pieces become babies. Impressed by the Klingons’ emphasis on strong father figures, Gaye asked Gortex to be her child’s father.
Captain Flash Buckstar and hotshot gambler Peck Calhoun were bonding over a game of Twenty-One. Buckstar confessed that he no longer felt like a man since losing his mustache.
Prince Schmultan was in the docking bay, waiting for the shuttle from Earth and news of Tamborina. Much to his surprise, the passenger who emerged from the shuttle was Tamborina’s sister Harmonica. She had good news and bad news…Tamborina had survived the scorching of the Earth, but she was seeing another man. Relieved yet heartbroken, Schmultan asked Harmonica to have a drink with him.
After installing a new memory chip in Altair-9000, Captain Buckstar told the robot that he’d lost his confidence to lead. (“All great leaders have mustaches, like Stalin and Wilford Brimley!”) Altair suggested that Buckstar start a self-improvement course, and find the mustache in his heart.
Peck Calhoun met with Gortex to draw up a contract regarding Peck’s ownership of Gortex. Gortex related his history to Peck: He was on a Klingon surveyor study, when a Russian cosmonaut fired a missile at their craft, stranding him on the moon. Gortex was so shamed by this defeat that he could not contact his people until he redeems himself by taking control of the base. Peck told him that he could control anything with money, and offered to help.
PECK: “I’ve got the brains, you’ve got the brawn.”
GORTEX: “Let’s make lots of money?”
PECK: “Damn, you got bad taste in music.”
Running into Stephan as he went about his janitorial duties, Dr. Gaye Hoelikker launched into a Shakespearean soliloquy about his fall to such a lowly station. Stephan blamed her for his actions, claiming that he never would have taken the Mustache of Authority if not for the tonic she gave him.
Prince Schmultan had a dream of the Mustache of Authority flying around his head, tempting him. He refused, and began battling the mustache. When he awoke, he discovered that his room had been wrecked. (“No dream could have turned over furniture!”)
Taking over her sister’s club, Harmonica was auditioning new talent. Altair tried out as an impressionist. (“Here’s my Bill Cosby… ‘I’m wearing a sweater!’”) Despite his lack of talent, Harmonica hired him. Since he serves as the station’s ATM, Altair suggested that he simply retain his pay inside himself.
Flash Buckstar went to Dr. Hoelikker’s office, wearing a thick fake beard to restore his authority…but it was only a temporary measure. Gaye gave him a serum to restore his facial hair, though she warned him that it had the side effect of periodic, uncontrollable urges to sing. (“Hair and power always come at a price.”)
Having been selected Klingon Hunk of the Year, Gortex was getting some photos taken by Stephan, in a sexy “Blow Up”-style montage. Gortex told Stephan how much he respected him for attempting to destroy the Earth. Stephan explained that he’d simply wanted to free the Earth from the oppressors and give it back to the people. Gortex pointed out the flaw in Stephan’s plan…the oppressors ARE people.
Prince Schmultan was giving Peck Calhoun a tour of the moon. Peck revealed that his Texas-senses had detected that the moon’s center was made entirely of oil. He offered to buy the moon, assuring Schmultan that the drilling would do no harm to the moon or Schmultan’s people…except for a few that he might have to kill over religious differences.
In the bar, Stephan Fechet and Harmonica started a conversation, but they kept talking at cross-purposes and nothing much came of it except that Harmonica established that her necklace was the secret to the moon’s survival.
Dr. Gaye Hoelikker poured her tonic into one of Altair’s ports, instilling in him great ambition and a desire for Limburger cheese. With Altair firmly under her influence, she sent him out to kill Stephan.
Gortex and Schmultan were fishing in one of the moon’s canals. Unused to fly-fishing, Gortex explained the Klingon way of fishing: They hurl their ultra-powerful sperm into the water, killing the fish and causing them to float to the surface. When Schmultan remarked how disgusting that was, Gortex realized that he’d never really thought about it before. He immediately lost his taste for fish & chips.
In the casino, Flash Buckstar and Peck Calhoun proposed a game for the ultimate stakes. Peck put up his mustache, and Buckstar staked the base’s cache of weapons. Playing High-Low at ten paces, Buckstar drew a 9…but Peck drew an ace.
TO BE CONTINUED…
Sunday, February 15, 2009
Season 9. Episode 4: Don't They Know It's the End of the World
Episode 4: Don’t They Know It’s the End of the World
Prince Schmultan of the Hawk-People met with the moonbase’s new self-appointed commander, Stephan Fechet…who promptly announced that he had destroyed the Earth. Understandably horrified, Schmultan pointed out that, without the Earth’s gravity, the moon would go drifting through space until it falls into the sun.
Having escaped from the brig, the deposed Captain Flash Buckstar and Gortex the Klingon attempted to get into the command center, but were thwarted by the changed passcodes.
Dmitri Turnankoff was drinking vodka with his wife Svetlana (the mysterious woman from last episode), apologizing for not recognizing her at first. He told her that he had gotten her two tickets for a pleasure cruise to Uranus, as a second honeymoon. She confessed that she had been sent by the KGB to kill him…but with the Earth destroyed, her mission now seemed pointless. Dmitri was shocked to hear the news of the Earth’s destruction, and even more shocked that she was so casual about it.
Professional gambler Peck Calhoun had come to the satellite for a few games, but was stunned when Altair informed him of the Earth’s destruction, then showed him the monitor to confirm it. Checking the monitors and computer systems, Calhoun discovered that the station’s illusion-ray had been aimed at the Earth. Relieved, Altair examined the system, then discovered that an illusion-ray had been fired on top of the illusion-ray.
Armageddon Uno called his secretary Sarah and discovered that the Earth had been destroyed. Nonplussed, he informed her that he was continuing with his plan to kill Dmitri Turnankoff. Overhearing his plan, Svetlana approached Uno and offered to help.
In the base’s Laundromat, Gortex asked Schmultan for assistance in getting into the command center. Schmultan offered to help him find an alternate route through the dangerous Worm-Tunnels of Glybesia…as soon as the laundry’s done.
Dmitri went to Stephan to request a vacation to Uranus, but Stephan informed him that he had Uranus slated for destruction next. Driven mad by the power of the Mustache of Authority, Stephan ordered Dmitri to assume some provocative boudoir poses.
Captain Buckstar approached Altair to figure out a solution to the moon’s drifting through space. Altair calculated that, if all the Hawk-People pooped in one direction simultaneously, it would allow them to steer the moon into a new orbit around Mars.
Armageddon Uno was working in the casino’s cashier booth when Peck Calhoun stopped by to pick up some chips. Calhoun confessed that he had built his life on his reputation as the greatest gambler on Earth…and with Earth gone, now he needed a new challenge. Uno offered to fly him to new planets to test his gambling skills…right after he finished his business there by killing Dmitri.
Summoning Altair to the command center, Stephan clarified that he hadn’t so much destroyed the Earth as he had burned it up, so the moon was in no danger of losing its orbit. Altair told him just how fucked-up that was, and Stephan agreed. Realizing that he was being corrupted by power, Stephan had a moment of clarity and turned the mustache over to Altair.
While Gortex was off exploring the tunnels, Schmultan read a letter from Tamborina. He learned that she had gone to Earth for a while to get her head together before she would be ready to start a relationship with him. Fearing the worst, Schmultan swore to avenge her fiery death, then shouted his fearsome multi-syllabic battle cry.
Dmitri and Svetlana were in bed together, and she tearfully complained that he didn’t think her attractive. They flashed back to their first meeting on the banks of the Volga river, then returned to the present. Dmitri explained that her looks didn’t matter to him, because he loved her for her inner beauty. She did not take it as a compliment. She then informed him that she had poisoned his dinner.
Peck Calhoun was playing solitaire when Gortex burst in. Peck exclaimed that he’d always wanted a Klingon of his very own, then offered to buy Gortex. Gortex revealed that there was one way to gain his servitude: He needed somebody with knowledge of the moonbase’s design to lead him to the command center.
Armageddon Uno burst into Dmitri’s quarters and found him lying curled up on the floor. Uno announced himself, and Dmitri remembered that his brother Yeltsin had called Armageddon Uno the only American pilot who was worth anything…before Uno killed him. Uno found himself unable to kill Dmitri in his helpless state, and offered to help him. He remembered that the antidote could be found only one place…in the mushrooms that grow on Planet Fred.
Stephan was alone in his office, rehearsing how he would tell Dr. Gaye Hoelikker that he had given up the Mustache of Authority. Suddenly, Gortex, Flash Buckstar, and Prince Schmultan all burst in simultaneously, looking for revenge. Stephan suddenly grabbed a stool like a steering wheel, declared “I’m a race-car driver!”, and fled. Using the Computron, Gortex determined that Altair had the mustache, so they called him in. They demanded the mustache, but Altair said that none of them were worthy of it. Altair attempted to swallow the mustache, but Gortex applied the Heimlich maneuver. Schmultan seized the mustache and flew away.
Armageddon Uno, Peck Calhoun, and Dmitri Turnankoff boarded Uno’s ship, The Warmonger, and set a course for Planet Fred to save Dmitri’s life.
CALHOUN: “I thought you were going to kill him.”
UNO: “It’s very complicated. You can read the notes next week.”
TO BE CONTINUED…
Prince Schmultan of the Hawk-People met with the moonbase’s new self-appointed commander, Stephan Fechet…who promptly announced that he had destroyed the Earth. Understandably horrified, Schmultan pointed out that, without the Earth’s gravity, the moon would go drifting through space until it falls into the sun.
Having escaped from the brig, the deposed Captain Flash Buckstar and Gortex the Klingon attempted to get into the command center, but were thwarted by the changed passcodes.
Dmitri Turnankoff was drinking vodka with his wife Svetlana (the mysterious woman from last episode), apologizing for not recognizing her at first. He told her that he had gotten her two tickets for a pleasure cruise to Uranus, as a second honeymoon. She confessed that she had been sent by the KGB to kill him…but with the Earth destroyed, her mission now seemed pointless. Dmitri was shocked to hear the news of the Earth’s destruction, and even more shocked that she was so casual about it.
Professional gambler Peck Calhoun had come to the satellite for a few games, but was stunned when Altair informed him of the Earth’s destruction, then showed him the monitor to confirm it. Checking the monitors and computer systems, Calhoun discovered that the station’s illusion-ray had been aimed at the Earth. Relieved, Altair examined the system, then discovered that an illusion-ray had been fired on top of the illusion-ray.
Armageddon Uno called his secretary Sarah and discovered that the Earth had been destroyed. Nonplussed, he informed her that he was continuing with his plan to kill Dmitri Turnankoff. Overhearing his plan, Svetlana approached Uno and offered to help.
In the base’s Laundromat, Gortex asked Schmultan for assistance in getting into the command center. Schmultan offered to help him find an alternate route through the dangerous Worm-Tunnels of Glybesia…as soon as the laundry’s done.
Dmitri went to Stephan to request a vacation to Uranus, but Stephan informed him that he had Uranus slated for destruction next. Driven mad by the power of the Mustache of Authority, Stephan ordered Dmitri to assume some provocative boudoir poses.
Captain Buckstar approached Altair to figure out a solution to the moon’s drifting through space. Altair calculated that, if all the Hawk-People pooped in one direction simultaneously, it would allow them to steer the moon into a new orbit around Mars.
Armageddon Uno was working in the casino’s cashier booth when Peck Calhoun stopped by to pick up some chips. Calhoun confessed that he had built his life on his reputation as the greatest gambler on Earth…and with Earth gone, now he needed a new challenge. Uno offered to fly him to new planets to test his gambling skills…right after he finished his business there by killing Dmitri.
Summoning Altair to the command center, Stephan clarified that he hadn’t so much destroyed the Earth as he had burned it up, so the moon was in no danger of losing its orbit. Altair told him just how fucked-up that was, and Stephan agreed. Realizing that he was being corrupted by power, Stephan had a moment of clarity and turned the mustache over to Altair.
While Gortex was off exploring the tunnels, Schmultan read a letter from Tamborina. He learned that she had gone to Earth for a while to get her head together before she would be ready to start a relationship with him. Fearing the worst, Schmultan swore to avenge her fiery death, then shouted his fearsome multi-syllabic battle cry.
Dmitri and Svetlana were in bed together, and she tearfully complained that he didn’t think her attractive. They flashed back to their first meeting on the banks of the Volga river, then returned to the present. Dmitri explained that her looks didn’t matter to him, because he loved her for her inner beauty. She did not take it as a compliment. She then informed him that she had poisoned his dinner.
Peck Calhoun was playing solitaire when Gortex burst in. Peck exclaimed that he’d always wanted a Klingon of his very own, then offered to buy Gortex. Gortex revealed that there was one way to gain his servitude: He needed somebody with knowledge of the moonbase’s design to lead him to the command center.
Armageddon Uno burst into Dmitri’s quarters and found him lying curled up on the floor. Uno announced himself, and Dmitri remembered that his brother Yeltsin had called Armageddon Uno the only American pilot who was worth anything…before Uno killed him. Uno found himself unable to kill Dmitri in his helpless state, and offered to help him. He remembered that the antidote could be found only one place…in the mushrooms that grow on Planet Fred.
Stephan was alone in his office, rehearsing how he would tell Dr. Gaye Hoelikker that he had given up the Mustache of Authority. Suddenly, Gortex, Flash Buckstar, and Prince Schmultan all burst in simultaneously, looking for revenge. Stephan suddenly grabbed a stool like a steering wheel, declared “I’m a race-car driver!”, and fled. Using the Computron, Gortex determined that Altair had the mustache, so they called him in. They demanded the mustache, but Altair said that none of them were worthy of it. Altair attempted to swallow the mustache, but Gortex applied the Heimlich maneuver. Schmultan seized the mustache and flew away.
Armageddon Uno, Peck Calhoun, and Dmitri Turnankoff boarded Uno’s ship, The Warmonger, and set a course for Planet Fred to save Dmitri’s life.
CALHOUN: “I thought you were going to kill him.”
UNO: “It’s very complicated. You can read the notes next week.”
TO BE CONTINUED…
Saturday, February 14, 2009
Season 9, Episode 3: Blanket, We Hardly Knew Ye
Episode 3: Blanket, We Hardly Knew Ye
Having been shot in the neck with an arrow, Admiral James T. Blanket was awaiting his prognosis from Dr. Gaye Hoelikker. She informed him that he had approximately 15 to 90 minutes left to live, and tearfully told him how much their affair had meant to her. She told him that his only chance was a neck transplant from a Soviet donor. She urged him to take the chance, for the sake of their baby. Blanket was taken aback by this revelation.
Prince Schmultan of the Hawk-People gathered his people for a conference, explaining why he killed Daryl Hall and John Oates. In light of this terrible action, he announced that he was abdicating his throne and stepping down as leader…at least temporarily.
Captain Flash Buckstar was anxiously preparing for his upcoming SKEET (Space Knowledge of Electronic Energy Test) exam. Gortex the Klingon, owing him a blood-debt, would do anything to help Buckstar pass…even taking the test for him.
Stephan Fechet and Tamborina were at their Gamblers Anonymous meeting, though Tamborina admitted she only came to meet people. She asked whether gambling really hurt anybody, and Stephan tearfully confessed that he lost his wife & children in a bet.
Admiral Blanket was anxiously waiting to hear whether a donor neck had been found, when he received a surprise visit from his old friend Armageddon Uno, hotshot space pilot. Blanket explained that he’d been shot by Dmitri Turnankoff. Uno remembered that he’d served with a Yeltsin Turnankoff in Spaceforce, and realized that his old enemy was the brother of Blanket’s assailant. Uno swore to avenge Blanket, and Blanket asked him to make it really binding by swearing a blood-brother oath. Uno reluctantly shot himself in the hand, then mingled his blood with Blanket’s neck wound.
Altair-9000 was trying to contact his creator, Dr. Bob Frapples, but was unable to get through. Dmitri Turnankoff arrived, and offered to get Altair in touch with Dr. Frapples if Altair would tell him the secret of the moonbase’s energy reactor.
Trying to start a new life, ex-Prince Schmultan was leading a Lamaze class for Dr. Hoelikker. She urged him to reclaim his throne and lead his people in battling the humans’ exploitation of them. Schmultan declared that he would indeed take revenge on the humans…especially her, since he had killed Hall & Oates on her advice. Schmultan pointed out that the moonbase was powered by his people’s guano, and threatened to cut off their energy source. He contacted his people and ordered them to eat lots of dairy.
Stephan Fechet was administering the SKEET exam when Gortex came in, disguised as Buckstar by wearing his toupee. Not noticing the difference, Stephan began the test.
In the generator room, Altair told Tamborina that he needed to get through in order to contact his creator. Tamborina agreed to let him through, since she never knew her own father, a tambourine player who slept with her mother while drifting through town.
Feeling his life slipping away, Admiral James T. Blanket saw a vision of the ghost of Hall & Oates (merged into a single entity in the afterlife). HallOates told Blanket that he could visit one last person before moving on, and Blanket chose Dr. Hoelikker. She could not see Blanket, but she felt his presence as he kissed her face. After this tender moment, HallOates escorted Blanket to his final reward…namely, Hell.
Having collected the energy-reactor data from Altair, Dmitri was at the command center console when a mysterious babushka-wearing woman entered.
After delivering Admiral Blanket’s body to Earth, Altair and Armageddon Uno returned in a shuttle, catching up on old times. Uno explained that he was now King of the Bounty Smugglers, then handed Altair a dryer sheet as a sample of his wares. Altair revealed that he was trying to contact his creator, Dr. Bob Frapples, and Uno informed him that Frapples was in prison for creating a robot that fell in love with its owner, then killed her. (“Wait, was Will Smith in this?”)
Stephan called in Gortex and Flash Buckstar, revealing that he knew all along that they’d cheated on the SKEET exam. Stephan informed them that he was throwing them in the brig, and that he himself was in charge now. Buckstar reluctantly stripped off his uniform and toupee, but Stephan had to take his mustache by force.
Schmultan informed Tamborina that the station would soon be powerless, and he was warning her because she was the only human he cared for. Tamborina pleaded with him to reconsider, suggesting that his people charge money for their guano rather than stop the supply altogether.
Dr. Gaye Hoelikker was crying over Admiral Blanket’s death when Dmitri Turnankoff burst in, fleeing in panic from the mysterious woman. Dr. Hoelikker informed him that she knew he killed the father of her child, but nevertheless agreed to help him if he accepted a secret mission, which she whispered in his ear.
Armageddon Uno came to Tamborina’s for a massage. As Uno made with the innuendo, she tried to explain that she only offered a legitimate therapeutic massage. Learning that Dmitri Turnankoff was one of her clients, Uno offered her money to let him wear her clothes and wig and handle Dmitri’s next appointment himself.
The babushka-wearing woman was circling around Dmitri, lecturing him about his failure to obtain the moonbase plans…not to mention his failure to figure out who she was.
The power-mad Stephan, wearing Buckstar’s uniform and mustache, strutted into Dr. Hoelikker’s laboratory and informed her that he’d aimed all the station’s defenses towards Earth. He planned to destroy the world and make a new start, and he asked her to join him as his bride. Appalled by his plan but touched by his offer, Gaye agreed to be his queen of evil. Stephan gave her Buckstar’s mustache, and she applied it to her forehead as “the unibrow of power.”
Altair contacted Dr. Frapples on the Computron monitor. Frapples confessed that he was indeed in prison for creating a robot with feelings, but that wasn’t the first one…the first feeling robot was Altair himself.
Captain Buckstar and Gortex broke out of the brig, making their way through the sewers.
TO BE CONTINUED…
Having been shot in the neck with an arrow, Admiral James T. Blanket was awaiting his prognosis from Dr. Gaye Hoelikker. She informed him that he had approximately 15 to 90 minutes left to live, and tearfully told him how much their affair had meant to her. She told him that his only chance was a neck transplant from a Soviet donor. She urged him to take the chance, for the sake of their baby. Blanket was taken aback by this revelation.
Prince Schmultan of the Hawk-People gathered his people for a conference, explaining why he killed Daryl Hall and John Oates. In light of this terrible action, he announced that he was abdicating his throne and stepping down as leader…at least temporarily.
Captain Flash Buckstar was anxiously preparing for his upcoming SKEET (Space Knowledge of Electronic Energy Test) exam. Gortex the Klingon, owing him a blood-debt, would do anything to help Buckstar pass…even taking the test for him.
Stephan Fechet and Tamborina were at their Gamblers Anonymous meeting, though Tamborina admitted she only came to meet people. She asked whether gambling really hurt anybody, and Stephan tearfully confessed that he lost his wife & children in a bet.
Admiral Blanket was anxiously waiting to hear whether a donor neck had been found, when he received a surprise visit from his old friend Armageddon Uno, hotshot space pilot. Blanket explained that he’d been shot by Dmitri Turnankoff. Uno remembered that he’d served with a Yeltsin Turnankoff in Spaceforce, and realized that his old enemy was the brother of Blanket’s assailant. Uno swore to avenge Blanket, and Blanket asked him to make it really binding by swearing a blood-brother oath. Uno reluctantly shot himself in the hand, then mingled his blood with Blanket’s neck wound.
Altair-9000 was trying to contact his creator, Dr. Bob Frapples, but was unable to get through. Dmitri Turnankoff arrived, and offered to get Altair in touch with Dr. Frapples if Altair would tell him the secret of the moonbase’s energy reactor.
Trying to start a new life, ex-Prince Schmultan was leading a Lamaze class for Dr. Hoelikker. She urged him to reclaim his throne and lead his people in battling the humans’ exploitation of them. Schmultan declared that he would indeed take revenge on the humans…especially her, since he had killed Hall & Oates on her advice. Schmultan pointed out that the moonbase was powered by his people’s guano, and threatened to cut off their energy source. He contacted his people and ordered them to eat lots of dairy.
Stephan Fechet was administering the SKEET exam when Gortex came in, disguised as Buckstar by wearing his toupee. Not noticing the difference, Stephan began the test.
In the generator room, Altair told Tamborina that he needed to get through in order to contact his creator. Tamborina agreed to let him through, since she never knew her own father, a tambourine player who slept with her mother while drifting through town.
Feeling his life slipping away, Admiral James T. Blanket saw a vision of the ghost of Hall & Oates (merged into a single entity in the afterlife). HallOates told Blanket that he could visit one last person before moving on, and Blanket chose Dr. Hoelikker. She could not see Blanket, but she felt his presence as he kissed her face. After this tender moment, HallOates escorted Blanket to his final reward…namely, Hell.
Having collected the energy-reactor data from Altair, Dmitri was at the command center console when a mysterious babushka-wearing woman entered.
After delivering Admiral Blanket’s body to Earth, Altair and Armageddon Uno returned in a shuttle, catching up on old times. Uno explained that he was now King of the Bounty Smugglers, then handed Altair a dryer sheet as a sample of his wares. Altair revealed that he was trying to contact his creator, Dr. Bob Frapples, and Uno informed him that Frapples was in prison for creating a robot that fell in love with its owner, then killed her. (“Wait, was Will Smith in this?”)
Stephan called in Gortex and Flash Buckstar, revealing that he knew all along that they’d cheated on the SKEET exam. Stephan informed them that he was throwing them in the brig, and that he himself was in charge now. Buckstar reluctantly stripped off his uniform and toupee, but Stephan had to take his mustache by force.
Schmultan informed Tamborina that the station would soon be powerless, and he was warning her because she was the only human he cared for. Tamborina pleaded with him to reconsider, suggesting that his people charge money for their guano rather than stop the supply altogether.
Dr. Gaye Hoelikker was crying over Admiral Blanket’s death when Dmitri Turnankoff burst in, fleeing in panic from the mysterious woman. Dr. Hoelikker informed him that she knew he killed the father of her child, but nevertheless agreed to help him if he accepted a secret mission, which she whispered in his ear.
Armageddon Uno came to Tamborina’s for a massage. As Uno made with the innuendo, she tried to explain that she only offered a legitimate therapeutic massage. Learning that Dmitri Turnankoff was one of her clients, Uno offered her money to let him wear her clothes and wig and handle Dmitri’s next appointment himself.
The babushka-wearing woman was circling around Dmitri, lecturing him about his failure to obtain the moonbase plans…not to mention his failure to figure out who she was.
The power-mad Stephan, wearing Buckstar’s uniform and mustache, strutted into Dr. Hoelikker’s laboratory and informed her that he’d aimed all the station’s defenses towards Earth. He planned to destroy the world and make a new start, and he asked her to join him as his bride. Appalled by his plan but touched by his offer, Gaye agreed to be his queen of evil. Stephan gave her Buckstar’s mustache, and she applied it to her forehead as “the unibrow of power.”
Altair contacted Dr. Frapples on the Computron monitor. Frapples confessed that he was indeed in prison for creating a robot with feelings, but that wasn’t the first one…the first feeling robot was Altair himself.
Captain Buckstar and Gortex broke out of the brig, making their way through the sewers.
TO BE CONTINUED…
Friday, February 13, 2009
Season 9, Episode 2: Goin' Too Far 'Cause You Know It Don't Matter Anyway
Episode 2: Goin’ Too Far ’Cause You Know It Don’t Matter Anyway
Dmitri Turnankoff hypnotized the captive Admiral James T. Blanket, instructing him to gather as much top-secret information as he could, then bring the data back to him. Dmitri also threw in a post-hypnotic command: Whenever he hears the word “chicken,” Blanket will do a funny dance and plant a passionate kiss on whoever said it.
Dr. Gaye Hoelikker and Stephan Fechet were preparing some fireworks for the moonbase’s Independence Day celebration. Dr. Hoelikker explained that the Hawk-People’s guano was such an incredibly useful all-purpose substance, she could make it into anything from a power source, to fireworks, to skin cream, to a medicinal tonic. Stephan drank the tonic, then realized that he’d forgotten to ask what it does.
Captain Flash Buckstar was dealing a hand of blackjack to Prince Schmultan of the Hawk-People, when Schmultan noticed a poster on the wall for an upcoming Hall & Oates concert. Awestruck, Schmultan explained that Hall & Oates were great heroes to his people. Several years ago, when the Hawk-People first began receiving radio transmissions from Earth, they heard a warning that a man-eater was coming to chew them up. Thus forewarned, they mounted a defense and defeated the beast.
Daryl Hall & John Oates were approaching the moonbase in their spacepod, looking forward to spreading their music to the new frontier of space.
The hypnotized Admiral Blanket stopped by Dr. Hoelikker’s lab. She apologized for not releasing him when she drunkenly staggered into Dmitri’s quarters and found him chained up, but he was more concerned with asking her all about the station’s workings. Before she could explain, the station’s lunch menu came up on the computer screen, and Gaye complained about the chicken-fried steak. Hearing the code word, Blanket did the chicken-dance and kissed her.
Stephan and Dmitri were setting up the stage for the Hall & Oates concert. Stephan informed Dmitri that the corporate American music industry had outlawed all music from before 2005, so the moon was now the only refuge for classic rock.
Flash Buckstar was showing Daryl Hall around the moonbase. Taking Buckstar aside, Hall confided that he was sick of his partner, then offered the captain $6.00 to kill Oates. As a further incentive, Hall offered him Oates’ place in the act (“You’ve got the mustache for it!”). Buckstar envisioned a future filled with fame, fortune, and groupies.
In the lounge, Prince Schmultan told John Oates that he would do anything to fulfill his debt to Hall & Oates, so Oates asked him to kill Hall. Having sworn to obey, Schmultan was torn by the dilemma: He must kill one half of the saviors in order to repay the other.
Later, Schmultan was in Dr. Gaye Hoelikker’s lab for his scheduled package-enlargement session, and he confided that he was obligated to kill one of his heroes. Gaye offered to help by giving him an invisibility device so he wouldn’t be captured.
SCHMULTAN: “So, your advice is to do it and not get caught?”
HOELIKKER: “I’m a chemist. Moral issues are a little outside my area of expertise.”
Dmitri was playing blackjack with Hall & Oates, telling them what an important event their 1993 Moscow concert had been to his people. They recalled how their performance of “Sara Smile” touched an entire nation…even though nobody in the nation was named “Sara.” Dmitri asked Hall & Oates to sign his jumpsuit, so they autographed the crotch.
Stephan Fechet caught Admiral Blanket sabotaging the 4th of July fireworks, and immediately realized that the Admiral was under communist hypnosis. To test his theory, Stephan said “chicken.” Of course, Blanket went into his dance and kissed Stephan.
Flash Buckstar asked Dmitri Turnankoff to kill John Oates for him (since Dmitri, being Russian, was obviously a natural born killer). Dmitri informed Buckstar that he would only accept the assignment if the U.S. turned over Alaska to the Soviet Union. On behalf of the American government, Captain Buckstar agreed.
After their final number, the Hall & Oates concert was disrupted when an arrow flew by and narrowly missed them both. Forgetting their differences, the frightened pop stars joined fists (“Hall & Oates powers, ACTIVATE!”).
In his quarters, Captain Flash Buckstar was going over some numbers when Stephan brought in the hypnotized Admiral Blanket. Blanket tipped his hat, and the Captain returned the gesture, inadvertently losing his toupee. Stephan explained that Blanket was in league with Dmitri, and was thus a pawn of the Roman Catholic Russian conspiracy. Suddenly, Stephan noticed that Blanket had Dr. Hoelikker’s goggles around his neck.
STEPHAN: “What have you done with her? Tell us what you’ve done with her!”
BUCKSTAR: “And say it slowly.”
Hall & Oates sought refuge in Dr. Hoelikker’s quarters. Emotionally bonding due to the danger, Gaye confided that she had lost her virginity today.
HALL: “Well, tell us about it.”
OATES: “And say it slowly.”
Suddenly, Dmitri entered fired an arrow, but missed. John Oates picked up the arrow, explaining that his long friendship with Ted Nugent had made him an expert with weapons. Hall & Oates confessed that they had each tried to have the other killed, but now realized that they truly belonged together. As they embraced, Prince Schmultan entered underneath his invisibility device. Not having heard the reconciliation, Schmultan stabbed Hall in the back, inadvertently running Oates through as well. Confused, Dmitri fired an arrow towards the unseen assailant, but instead nicked Admiral Blanket in the neck. Throwing off his invisibility, the guilt-ridden Schmultan pulled out some padding from his loincloth and applied it to Blanket’s wound, but Blanket insisted he’d rather let it bleed.
TO BE CONTINUED…
Dmitri Turnankoff hypnotized the captive Admiral James T. Blanket, instructing him to gather as much top-secret information as he could, then bring the data back to him. Dmitri also threw in a post-hypnotic command: Whenever he hears the word “chicken,” Blanket will do a funny dance and plant a passionate kiss on whoever said it.
Dr. Gaye Hoelikker and Stephan Fechet were preparing some fireworks for the moonbase’s Independence Day celebration. Dr. Hoelikker explained that the Hawk-People’s guano was such an incredibly useful all-purpose substance, she could make it into anything from a power source, to fireworks, to skin cream, to a medicinal tonic. Stephan drank the tonic, then realized that he’d forgotten to ask what it does.
Captain Flash Buckstar was dealing a hand of blackjack to Prince Schmultan of the Hawk-People, when Schmultan noticed a poster on the wall for an upcoming Hall & Oates concert. Awestruck, Schmultan explained that Hall & Oates were great heroes to his people. Several years ago, when the Hawk-People first began receiving radio transmissions from Earth, they heard a warning that a man-eater was coming to chew them up. Thus forewarned, they mounted a defense and defeated the beast.
Daryl Hall & John Oates were approaching the moonbase in their spacepod, looking forward to spreading their music to the new frontier of space.
The hypnotized Admiral Blanket stopped by Dr. Hoelikker’s lab. She apologized for not releasing him when she drunkenly staggered into Dmitri’s quarters and found him chained up, but he was more concerned with asking her all about the station’s workings. Before she could explain, the station’s lunch menu came up on the computer screen, and Gaye complained about the chicken-fried steak. Hearing the code word, Blanket did the chicken-dance and kissed her.
Stephan and Dmitri were setting up the stage for the Hall & Oates concert. Stephan informed Dmitri that the corporate American music industry had outlawed all music from before 2005, so the moon was now the only refuge for classic rock.
Flash Buckstar was showing Daryl Hall around the moonbase. Taking Buckstar aside, Hall confided that he was sick of his partner, then offered the captain $6.00 to kill Oates. As a further incentive, Hall offered him Oates’ place in the act (“You’ve got the mustache for it!”). Buckstar envisioned a future filled with fame, fortune, and groupies.
In the lounge, Prince Schmultan told John Oates that he would do anything to fulfill his debt to Hall & Oates, so Oates asked him to kill Hall. Having sworn to obey, Schmultan was torn by the dilemma: He must kill one half of the saviors in order to repay the other.
Later, Schmultan was in Dr. Gaye Hoelikker’s lab for his scheduled package-enlargement session, and he confided that he was obligated to kill one of his heroes. Gaye offered to help by giving him an invisibility device so he wouldn’t be captured.
SCHMULTAN: “So, your advice is to do it and not get caught?”
HOELIKKER: “I’m a chemist. Moral issues are a little outside my area of expertise.”
Dmitri was playing blackjack with Hall & Oates, telling them what an important event their 1993 Moscow concert had been to his people. They recalled how their performance of “Sara Smile” touched an entire nation…even though nobody in the nation was named “Sara.” Dmitri asked Hall & Oates to sign his jumpsuit, so they autographed the crotch.
Stephan Fechet caught Admiral Blanket sabotaging the 4th of July fireworks, and immediately realized that the Admiral was under communist hypnosis. To test his theory, Stephan said “chicken.” Of course, Blanket went into his dance and kissed Stephan.
Flash Buckstar asked Dmitri Turnankoff to kill John Oates for him (since Dmitri, being Russian, was obviously a natural born killer). Dmitri informed Buckstar that he would only accept the assignment if the U.S. turned over Alaska to the Soviet Union. On behalf of the American government, Captain Buckstar agreed.
After their final number, the Hall & Oates concert was disrupted when an arrow flew by and narrowly missed them both. Forgetting their differences, the frightened pop stars joined fists (“Hall & Oates powers, ACTIVATE!”).
In his quarters, Captain Flash Buckstar was going over some numbers when Stephan brought in the hypnotized Admiral Blanket. Blanket tipped his hat, and the Captain returned the gesture, inadvertently losing his toupee. Stephan explained that Blanket was in league with Dmitri, and was thus a pawn of the Roman Catholic Russian conspiracy. Suddenly, Stephan noticed that Blanket had Dr. Hoelikker’s goggles around his neck.
STEPHAN: “What have you done with her? Tell us what you’ve done with her!”
BUCKSTAR: “And say it slowly.”
Hall & Oates sought refuge in Dr. Hoelikker’s quarters. Emotionally bonding due to the danger, Gaye confided that she had lost her virginity today.
HALL: “Well, tell us about it.”
OATES: “And say it slowly.”
Suddenly, Dmitri entered fired an arrow, but missed. John Oates picked up the arrow, explaining that his long friendship with Ted Nugent had made him an expert with weapons. Hall & Oates confessed that they had each tried to have the other killed, but now realized that they truly belonged together. As they embraced, Prince Schmultan entered underneath his invisibility device. Not having heard the reconciliation, Schmultan stabbed Hall in the back, inadvertently running Oates through as well. Confused, Dmitri fired an arrow towards the unseen assailant, but instead nicked Admiral Blanket in the neck. Throwing off his invisibility, the guilt-ridden Schmultan pulled out some padding from his loincloth and applied it to Blanket’s wound, but Blanket insisted he’d rather let it bleed.
TO BE CONTINUED…
Thursday, February 12, 2009
Season 9, Episode 1: Destination Moon
A new season, a new setting (a moonbase casino), new characters (and some old ones returning as well). Let's begin!
Episode 1: Destination Moon
In a moonbase/casino in the far future of 2006, the lounge owner Tamborina and the stranded cosmonaut Dmitri Tournenkoff were getting to know each other. He explained that he had spent his entire life since childhood training for the space program, and had never had time for an outside life, apart from his girl Svetlana back home. Dmitri was looking forward to being reunited with Svetlana as soon as Russia could afford to bring him back home…in about 5 years.
Prince Schmultan of the Hawk-People (the moon’s native race) told the robot Altair-9000 that he had noticed a rash of thefts in the casino, and asked Altair to review the security tapes. Altair agreed, and they shook hands…thus bonding them for life, in the tradition of Schmultan’s people.
The station’s medical officer, Dr. Gaye Hoelikker, was having cocktails with Captain Flash Buckstar. She explained her invention of the converter that turns the Hawk-People’s guano into energy to run the moonbase, musing on how much could be accomplished by working with the Hawk-People. Buckstar replied that he didn’t consider the Hawk-People to be people, shocking Dr. Hoelikker with his racism.
The Klingon Gortex was sunbathing on the lunar surface when the moonbase’s Canadian janitor Stephan Fechet came by, sweeping. Gortex revealed that he had devised a plan to catch the thief. He had placed a radioactive dye in the drinks at the table where the thefts were occurring…and that radioactivity would show up in the thief’s poop. In exchange for Stephan collecting the poop for analysis, Gortex rewarded him with a mind-controlling Ceti eel.
Captain Flash Buckstar was reflecting on the accident that got him busted down to his current post, when Admiral James T. Blanket beamed in. Blanket explained that High Command was very disappointed with Buckstar’s performance, so they’d sent him in to take over. Blanket sympathetically told Buckstar that he knew what it was like to have a career ruined by a tragic accident, since he had once blown up a ship full of retarded kids. Blanket told Buckstar that his depression was simply hate focused inward, then advised him to turn that hate on someone else.
Altair-9000 was dealing blackjack when Dmitri came to the table for a hand. Dmitri explained that he was stranded since the malfunction of Sputnik-84. Altair suggested that Dmitri simply use one of the base’s shuttles to return home. Dmitri replied that, since the Soviet Union re-formed and the Cold War was back on, he couldn’t accept any U.S. assistance.
Prince Schmultan applauded as Tamborina finished her dance number in the lounge. Schmultan told her that he was fascinated by her femininity, as his own race consisted entirely of men. To satisfy his curiosity about women, Tamborina explained that women liked tickling, then demonstrated by tickling under his wings. Tamborina told Schmultan how glad she was to have him as a friend, and Schmultan was crushed that she didn’t feel anything more.
Gortex kicked in the door of Dr. Hoelikker’s office, and she made him replace it and knock before he could come in. Gortex explained that he’d brought a suspicious stool sample, and asked her to analyze it. After a preliminary scan, the only thing Dr. Hoelikker could determine for certain was that it wasn’t American poop…it could be either Russian or Canadian.
Admiral Blanket and Altair-9000 were catching up on what had happened since they last saw each other. Blanket explained that he had been promoted to Admiral after saving Justin Timberlake from the horrific 2005 Grammy Fire, and Altair revealed that he had broken away from the giant Valtair robot due to creative differences. Altair confronted Blanket with his suspicions about the thief’s identity, and Blanket confessed that he had been stealing money even without being physically present. Blanket explained that he was framing Dmitri in order to have a pretext to get rid of him, then asked Altair to help.
Dmitri reported back to his Soviet superiors, who were forcing them to do their bidding by holding a gun to Svetlana’s head 24 hours a day (even when she’s out shopping). Dmitri assured them that the crew had accepted him as a harmless Yakov Smirnov-style wacky Russian.
Gortex informed Flash Buckstar that he’d determined that the thief has Russian bowels. The Captain suddenly remembered that Admiral Blanket had a bowel transplant in 2005. Owing Buckstar a blood-debt, Gortex offered to repay him by killing Blanket.
Tamborina received a cease-and-desist order from Admiral Blanket, warning her to stop her lewd dancing. Dr. Gaye Hoelikker walked by and saw that Tamborina was upset. When Tamborina explained the situation, Gaye was enraged that Blanket’s lack of appreciation for dance. Touched by Gaye’s concern, Tamborina offered to teach her some moves.
Prince Schmultan presented Stephan Fechet with an award to thank him for cleaning up after his people. Stephan delivered a heartfelt acceptance speech about his long, arduous journey from Canada to the moon.
Dmitri was curled up on his tiny sleep-cube when Admiral Blanket entered his quarters. Blanket confronted Dmitri about his work with the KGB. Before being taken away, Dmitri asked that Blanket join him for one last drink. Distracting Blanket by pointing out a nearby space-cat, Dmitri slipped something into Blanket’s drink.
Gortex was dealing a hand of Klingon blackjack when Schmultan came by for a game. Schmultan reminisced about the time he’d saved a Klingon’s life, and Gortex realized that that Klingon was his great-great-grandsire. Gortex informed Schmultan that he owed him a blood-debt, but Schmultan replied that he needed no help from a Klingon. Offended by this rejection, Gortex warned Schmultan that he’d made an enemy.
Altair came to Captain Buckstar’s quarters to accuse Dmitri of the thefts. Flash countered that he knew the real culprit was Admiral Blanket, then confused Altair’s logic circuits with a nonsensical argument.
Tamborina and Dr. Hoelikker were drunkenly dancing through the corridors when they mistakenly entered Dmitri’s room and discovered Blanket chained to the wall. Tamborina was very pleased to find Blanket in this position, explaining that it served him right for banning her dance routine. As Dr. Hoelikker amused herself by spinning Blanket around on the secret rotating-door, Dmitri returned to his quarters.
TO BE CONTINUED…
Episode 1: Destination Moon
In a moonbase/casino in the far future of 2006, the lounge owner Tamborina and the stranded cosmonaut Dmitri Tournenkoff were getting to know each other. He explained that he had spent his entire life since childhood training for the space program, and had never had time for an outside life, apart from his girl Svetlana back home. Dmitri was looking forward to being reunited with Svetlana as soon as Russia could afford to bring him back home…in about 5 years.
Prince Schmultan of the Hawk-People (the moon’s native race) told the robot Altair-9000 that he had noticed a rash of thefts in the casino, and asked Altair to review the security tapes. Altair agreed, and they shook hands…thus bonding them for life, in the tradition of Schmultan’s people.
The station’s medical officer, Dr. Gaye Hoelikker, was having cocktails with Captain Flash Buckstar. She explained her invention of the converter that turns the Hawk-People’s guano into energy to run the moonbase, musing on how much could be accomplished by working with the Hawk-People. Buckstar replied that he didn’t consider the Hawk-People to be people, shocking Dr. Hoelikker with his racism.
The Klingon Gortex was sunbathing on the lunar surface when the moonbase’s Canadian janitor Stephan Fechet came by, sweeping. Gortex revealed that he had devised a plan to catch the thief. He had placed a radioactive dye in the drinks at the table where the thefts were occurring…and that radioactivity would show up in the thief’s poop. In exchange for Stephan collecting the poop for analysis, Gortex rewarded him with a mind-controlling Ceti eel.
Captain Flash Buckstar was reflecting on the accident that got him busted down to his current post, when Admiral James T. Blanket beamed in. Blanket explained that High Command was very disappointed with Buckstar’s performance, so they’d sent him in to take over. Blanket sympathetically told Buckstar that he knew what it was like to have a career ruined by a tragic accident, since he had once blown up a ship full of retarded kids. Blanket told Buckstar that his depression was simply hate focused inward, then advised him to turn that hate on someone else.
Altair-9000 was dealing blackjack when Dmitri came to the table for a hand. Dmitri explained that he was stranded since the malfunction of Sputnik-84. Altair suggested that Dmitri simply use one of the base’s shuttles to return home. Dmitri replied that, since the Soviet Union re-formed and the Cold War was back on, he couldn’t accept any U.S. assistance.
Prince Schmultan applauded as Tamborina finished her dance number in the lounge. Schmultan told her that he was fascinated by her femininity, as his own race consisted entirely of men. To satisfy his curiosity about women, Tamborina explained that women liked tickling, then demonstrated by tickling under his wings. Tamborina told Schmultan how glad she was to have him as a friend, and Schmultan was crushed that she didn’t feel anything more.
Gortex kicked in the door of Dr. Hoelikker’s office, and she made him replace it and knock before he could come in. Gortex explained that he’d brought a suspicious stool sample, and asked her to analyze it. After a preliminary scan, the only thing Dr. Hoelikker could determine for certain was that it wasn’t American poop…it could be either Russian or Canadian.
Admiral Blanket and Altair-9000 were catching up on what had happened since they last saw each other. Blanket explained that he had been promoted to Admiral after saving Justin Timberlake from the horrific 2005 Grammy Fire, and Altair revealed that he had broken away from the giant Valtair robot due to creative differences. Altair confronted Blanket with his suspicions about the thief’s identity, and Blanket confessed that he had been stealing money even without being physically present. Blanket explained that he was framing Dmitri in order to have a pretext to get rid of him, then asked Altair to help.
Dmitri reported back to his Soviet superiors, who were forcing them to do their bidding by holding a gun to Svetlana’s head 24 hours a day (even when she’s out shopping). Dmitri assured them that the crew had accepted him as a harmless Yakov Smirnov-style wacky Russian.
Gortex informed Flash Buckstar that he’d determined that the thief has Russian bowels. The Captain suddenly remembered that Admiral Blanket had a bowel transplant in 2005. Owing Buckstar a blood-debt, Gortex offered to repay him by killing Blanket.
Tamborina received a cease-and-desist order from Admiral Blanket, warning her to stop her lewd dancing. Dr. Gaye Hoelikker walked by and saw that Tamborina was upset. When Tamborina explained the situation, Gaye was enraged that Blanket’s lack of appreciation for dance. Touched by Gaye’s concern, Tamborina offered to teach her some moves.
Prince Schmultan presented Stephan Fechet with an award to thank him for cleaning up after his people. Stephan delivered a heartfelt acceptance speech about his long, arduous journey from Canada to the moon.
Dmitri was curled up on his tiny sleep-cube when Admiral Blanket entered his quarters. Blanket confronted Dmitri about his work with the KGB. Before being taken away, Dmitri asked that Blanket join him for one last drink. Distracting Blanket by pointing out a nearby space-cat, Dmitri slipped something into Blanket’s drink.
Gortex was dealing a hand of Klingon blackjack when Schmultan came by for a game. Schmultan reminisced about the time he’d saved a Klingon’s life, and Gortex realized that that Klingon was his great-great-grandsire. Gortex informed Schmultan that he owed him a blood-debt, but Schmultan replied that he needed no help from a Klingon. Offended by this rejection, Gortex warned Schmultan that he’d made an enemy.
Altair came to Captain Buckstar’s quarters to accuse Dmitri of the thefts. Flash countered that he knew the real culprit was Admiral Blanket, then confused Altair’s logic circuits with a nonsensical argument.
Tamborina and Dr. Hoelikker were drunkenly dancing through the corridors when they mistakenly entered Dmitri’s room and discovered Blanket chained to the wall. Tamborina was very pleased to find Blanket in this position, explaining that it served him right for banning her dance routine. As Dr. Hoelikker amused herself by spinning Blanket around on the secret rotating-door, Dmitri returned to his quarters.
TO BE CONTINUED…
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