Season 5, Episode 16: Everybody Dies

Episode 16: Everybody Dies

Having stolen Constance’s reproductive system, Roswell Diabolicus was now carrying Brigham Young’s child. Brigham demanded his baby back, explaining that he had conceived that child for the divinely-ordained purpose of fathering the Mormons. In effect, that child was God’s child. This information only made Roswell more determined to keep the baby himself, so that he could corrupt it.

The revelation of Brigham’s infidelity had driven Red Clay onto the warpath, so he visited the general store to pick up some more war paint. Fantastic Sam came in and told Red Clay that he, too, was feeling a murderous mood. Suddenly, they heard an eerie noise and rushed outside to see some strange lights in the sky. Just as suddenly, the mysterious flying object disappeared, and they went back to their original conversation. Red Clay and Sam decided to steal a bunch of TNT from the store and blow up Little One Point.

Having been kicked out of office by Trapper Jean, ex-mayor Hop Hop was reduced to begging for change (and beer) on the street. Sheriff Madeline Clementine strolled by, her face covered with hideous sores. Madeline explained that, when God sent the plague of syphilis, she caught it…then she caught a double-dose when she slept with Trapper Jean. As she explained that the syphilis would soon drive her insane, Madeline suddenly started tap-dancing for no apparent reason. Fantastic Sam walked by, carrying a bundle of stolen supplies. Hop Hop begged for some spare food, and Sam gave him some moldy oranges. Hop Hop shared the oranges with the reluctant Madeline.

At the school, Will McGotnuthin was teaching atheism to his sole remaining student, Timmy. Trapper Jean entered and dismissed the class. Jean explained that he had appointed himself Mayor by claiming Hop Hop’s office in the name of French Canada.

WILL: “Then, I could claim it in the name of Willsville?”
JEAN: “Yes, but then I would likely shoot you dead, and it would revert to me.”

Jean told Will that he should start teaching about the wonders of France, but the school didn’t have an ‘F’ encyclopedia yet. Jean informed Will that he could provide the school with a complete set of encyclopedias. Impressed by Jean’s erudition, Will agreed to teach whatever Jean tells him to.

Hauling his bag of loot, Fantastic Sam was stopped by Roswell Diabolicus. Roswell tried to take the supplies back, but didn’t have the strength to lift it. Sam mocked Roswell’s weakness and pulled a gun on him. In retaliation, Roswell harangued Sam for his cowardice and lack of commitment, until Sam broke down and turned the gun on himself. Roswell wrestled Sam to the ground, pinning him down until Sam passed out. Roswell put a case of TNT on Sam’s back and lit the fuse.

Madeline was recuperating at home, feeling slightly better since eating the moldy oranges. Trapper Jean entered, and Madeline bitterly complained that she had lived a decent, clean life until her liaison with Jean, whereas Jean had lived a dissolute life…and now she was dying, while Jean seemed as hale and hearty as ever. The madness came on her again, and she voiced her complaints in a musical number. (“There’s no one to blame but God and you, and God’s not here!”) Jean explained that he appeared so healthy because he knew two methods to stop the symptoms of syphilis. Madeline would need to find either the silver blood of a unicorn (unfortunately, they only live in France), or the placenta from a newborn child.

Red Clay consulted the Chipapoo spirits for advice on his warpath. Hop Hop passed by, and they commiserated over their betrayals by the white man. Red Clay told Hop Hop that he would burn Little One Point to the ground (since, according to the treaty, the town was his property anyway).

Brigham went to the saloon and told Will about his problems (“I got a woman pregnant, and my husband’s not happy about it”). Brigham feared that the jealous Red Clay would kill him and the whole town. Will reluctantly agreed to form yet another temporary alliance with Brigham. Will warned Brigham that this time, they would have to take out Red Clay permanently, or he would just come back stronger and angrier.

Fantastic Sam woke up and discovered the burning TNT on his back. He tried to kick it away, but was caught in the blast and apparently lost several limbs.

Madeline went to Castle Gayskull to ask Roswell Diabolicus for help with her illness.

ROSWELL: “You look like someone punched you in the face with a fistful of keys!”
MADELINE: “Worse than that…someone punched me in the crotch with a fistful of syphilis.”

Madeline was about to ask Roswell for a favor, when Roswell suddenly went into labor.

Trapper Jean was settling into his new home in the mayor’s office when Hop Hop arrived at the door. Discovering that the locks had changed, Hop Hop tricked his way in with a cunning ruse.

HOP HOP: “It’s the prumber! I’ve come to fix the sink!”
JEAN: “I did not know we had indoor plumbing!”

Once he was in the office, Hop Hop put on an impressive display of martial-arts prowess, skillfully and menacingly wielding his staff. In response, Trapper Jean simply shot Hop Hop.

Red Clay was setting fire to the town when Brigham Young and Will McGotnuthin confronted him. Brigham tried to make amends with Red Clay, but Red Clay was too angry to accept his apology. His people had been betrayed by the white man too often for Red Clay to forgive. Red Clay drew his bow, and Brigham and Will drew their gun and whip (respectively) in response. Red Clay’s arrow missed, but Brigham’s bullet didn’t. Mortally wounded, Red Clay apologized for carrying his passion too far. Hearing the Chipapoo spirits calling him, Red Clay knew that he was dying. Brigham and Red Clay declared their love for each other one last time. Red Clay wanted to give Brigham the treaty that would grant him ownership of Little One Point, but died before he could reveal where it was hidden. Moved by the tender scene, Will (pausing only long enough to put out the fire) handed Red Clay’s arrow to Brigham. (“He meant for you to have this.”)

TO BE CONTINUED…

Season 5, Episode 15: The Wedding of the (19th) Century

Episode 15: The Wedding of the (19th) Century

Brigham Young visited the school to ask Will McGotnuthin for a favor.

BRIGHAM: “I know, every time I ask a favor, I promise I’ll leave town. Then I come back and ask for another favor.”
WILL: “Good thing I’m not up on pattern recognition.”

Brigham asked Will to perform the wedding ritual for him and Red Clay, since Will’s background as an actor made him the closest thing the town had to a preacher. Brigham promised (yet again) that after the wedding, they’d leave for Iowa.

After the lovin’, Hop Hop started singing to Constance. However, Constance had developed an extreme dislike for noise and light, as well as becoming disturbingly pale. Constance told Hop Hop that, since she recovered her stolen vagina from Roswell Diabolicus, it had been telling her to kill. Hop Hop examined her vagina, and reported that there were cobwebs, bats, and a little hunchbacked man inside.

Unbeknownst to Constance and Hop Hop, their encounter had been viewed by Roswell Diabolicus through his crystal ball. Roswell congratulated himself on substituting his vagina for Constance’s. Suddenly, Trapper Jean knocked on the castle door. They revealed their past history together: 15 years ago, Roswell won the castle from Trapper Jean, changing the name from Skank Mountain to Castle Gayskull. However, the castle still held one secret only Jean knew: the legendary Gray Sword, hidden and protected by Trapper Jean’s traps. Roswell noticed that Jean’s collection of pelts included Roswell’s previous pet bobcat, Mr. Toesy (Mr. Nosy’s predecessor). As the two old rivals faced each other, Jean suggested that, rather than waste time fighting, they should work to rule the world together.

Red Clay consulted with the Chipapoo spirits for advice on the wedding ritual. He had the bull to sacrifice, a thousand doves to set free, and a wine glass to stomp on. All that was left was his gift for Brigham.

At the saloon, Constance told Will McGotnuthin that she’d started to grow apathetic to all her former interests. Suddenly, her vagina started telling her to kill him. She pulled a gun on him, but her vagina changed its mind and told her to seduce him instead. Will screamed as Constance straddled him.

After Hop Hop and Trapper Jean rehearsed a musical number for the ceremony, Jean told Hop Hop that he was thinking of settling down in Little One Point. Hop Hop suggested that Jean find a place to live in the classic American way…find a place, kick out the occupants, and stake a claim. Taking his advice, Jean knocked out Hop Hop.

Trying to decide on a place for the wedding, Red Clay suggested they hold it over the Chipapoo burial ground, where the general store now stands. Red Clay explained that they would need two medicine men to perform the ceremony. Will would be Brigham’s minister, and Trapper Jean would be Red Clay’s. He then explained that they would need to reveal their “secret names” (usually discovered during the peyote ritual). Brigham didn’t have time to take peyote, but did have an embarrassing nickname from his youth…”The Purple Poke,” or “Pokey” for short. Red Clay’s secret name was “Dog Eating Its Own Poo.”

Roswell walked by the unconscious Hop Hop…and kept on walking.

Trapper Jean and Will were going over the service, though Will was feeling strange since his encounter with Constance. (Plus, half of his face had gone pale.) As Jean explained the ceremony, a voice from Will’s crotch told him to kiss Jean.

WILL: “I’m not gay…but my penis is telling me to kiss you.”
JEAN: “I fear that my penis is telling me not to let that happen.”

At the store, Roswell Diabolicus was doing inventory when Constance entered. Since Roswell switched vaginas with her, they were assuming each other’s personality traits…plus, Constance had started to grow a beard like Roswell’s. Roswell informed her that he’d taken not only her vagina, but her entire reproductive system…and was now carrying her baby. Constance pulled a gun and demanded her vagina back. Roswell grabbed the gun, shoved it down his pants, and declared “If I can’t have your vagina, no one will!” Then he fired.

Red Clay and Brigham were going over the ceremony with the two preachers, though Brigham was distracted by Will’s bizarre transformation. Suddenly, Will’s penis ordered him to kiss Red Clay. Will did so, right in front of Brigham.

Hop Hop threw a bachelor party for Brigham, presenting him with a wedding fortune cookie (“You must look into people as well as at them.”). The party stripper, Constance, arrived. Brigham was dismayed by the debauchery, not to mention Constance’s beard. Hop Hop suggested that Brigham follow the cookie’s advice and look into Constance.

Finally, the big moment arrived. Trapper Jean and Will (whose face had cleared up since kissing Red Clay) began the ceremony. Red Clay arrived, walking up the aisle in a dress and veil. After exchanging rings (cock rings, actually), Jean pronounced them man and man. Red Clay and Brigham kissed. Suddenly, Roswell Diabolicus stormed in, announcing that the baby he’s carrying is Brigham’s child!

TO BE CONTINUED…

Season 5, Episode 14: The Case of the Missing...Well, Just Read It for Yourself

Episode 14: The Case of the Missing…Well, Just Read It for Yourself

Sheriff Madeline Clementine went to see Roswell Diabolicus to inform her biological father about her new ambition to be an actress. Roswell replied that he knew about her role in “Our Chinese Cousin,” as he was the play’s producer. He explained that he had funded Hop Hop’s play as part of an elaborate plan to get revenge on Abraham Lincoln by shooting him while he was distracted by the show. Madeline pointed out that, besides it being a bad idea to confess his criminal plans to the sheriff, somebody else had already beaten him to it. Roswell has distraught that his first truly evil plan in ages had been spoiled.

Brigham was out in the woods when Trapper Jean wandered by. Trapper Jean could see that Brigham was troubled, and Brigham explained that he has having difficulties with his relationship with Red Clay, complicated by the fact that they were both hiding from their gods. When Trapper Jean realized that Brigham’s life partner was Native American, Jean warned him that the Indians betrayed Jean’s people during the French & Indian War. However, he was willing to give Red Clay the benefit of the doubt.

Red Clay snuck into the saloon to pick up supplies. Constance Snell gladly provided them, even though she disapproved of Red Clay’s gay lifestyle. She told Red Clay about the life of Jesus, and Red Clay remarked that Jesus sounded very similar to Brigham. Red Clay then extolled Brigham’s virtues in a song.

Fantastic Sam stopped by the general store and told Roswell that he had been terrible in the play, having forgotten all his lines. Roswell and Sam went off on a discourse about the history of theater, and the way their lives seemed to play out like the same scene repeated over and over. Sam resolved to break the pattern by going “outside the lines” and stepping out into the audience.

Madeline ran into Trapper Jean in the woods, and was quickly charmed by his Gallic charm. They went inside his tent, and he offered her a seat on his fainting couch.

MADELINE: “I don’t faint, but I recline with the best of them.”

Hop Hop gave Will McGotnuthin a check for 14 cents as payment for his work on the play. Will gratefully replied that he would use the money to buy a ‘D’ encyclopedia for the school. Hop Hop was taken aback to learn that they still didn’t have that volume, and asked how the kids could get ‘D’ grades if they didn’t understand the concept of ‘D.’ Will explained that there were no grades in the Montessori system, and Hop Hop was horrified. Without grades, their school couldn’t be ranked against other schools, and Hop Hop couldn’t get kickbacks. Hop Hop insisted that Will institute a grading system, but Will stood by his principles.

Later that night, Will McGotnuthin secretly visited Abraham Lincoln’s grave and started digging. Fantastic Sam arrived, having had the same idea. Sam believed that Lincoln had arranged the shooting in order to fake his own death. As they dug, a ghostly voice asked, “Who disturbs the grave of Babraham Crinklin?” Realizing that the grave was not Lincoln’s, Sam warned Will that the real Lincoln may be anywhere…possibly having changed his appearance and assumed a new name.

Trapper Jean sang a post-coital ballad to Madeline, then left.

Beside the campfire, Brigham Young and Red Clay started to argue about Brigham’s difficulty in adjusting to their new lifestyle in the woods. Trapper Jean arrived, but when he saw Red Clay, he pulled his gun. As far as Jean was concerned, the French & Indian War was still on. Red Clay pulled his bow on Jean. Confused as to how to handle the situation, Brigham pulled his guns on both of them.

Hop Hop paid a visit to Constance, but was surprised when her greeting lacked its usual enthusiasm. Constance explained that she just didn’t have any passion anymore…somehow, she had lost her fantastic vagina! Hop Hop speculated that her new ambitions as an inventor and actress might have dulled her interest in her old trade, but she insisted that she had literally lost her vagina. Hop Hop pulled out a fortune cookie to find out what to do, and learned that “Silence is sometimes the best answer.”

The three-way standoff between Brigham, Red Clay, and Trapper Jean was interrupted when Constance and Hop Hop rode by, searching for Constance’s vagina. The bizarre intrusion defused the tension, and everyone put down their weapons. Jean advised Red Clay and Brigham to get their issues out in the open in order to revitalize their relationship. Jean suggested they spice up their love life with role-playing, or by making love in unusual places (such as Castle Gayskull). Brigham remained unconvinced that their relationship could be salvaged.

Constance arrived at Castle Gayskull and discovered that Roswell Diabolicus had stolen her vagina. Roswell explained that his life had been ruined by his addiction to the beverage she’d invented, Constance Cola. He wanted her to destroy the formula so it couldn’t do any more damage, and was holding her vagina hostage until she met his demands. Undaunted, Constance whistled, and her vagina came rushing back under her skirt.

CONSTANCE: “If you want a vagina so much, maybe you should make yourself one in this lab of yours!”
ROSWELL: “Well, if you’d remember from a few weeks ago, I HAVE a vagina! I’m a hermaphrodite, with a penis and a vagina. Have you forgotten?”

Disheartened by Constance’s victory, Roswell dismissed her…pausing only to cast doubt on whether it was really HER vagina she’d reclaimed.

Trapper Jean was sleeping in his tent when Madeline Clementine entered, royally pissed-off by his leaving her earlier. Vindictively, she arrested him for shooting Lincoln. Jean grabbed Madeline’s gun “Priscilla,” but Priscilla remained loyal to her owner…even in Jean’s hand, the gun stayed pointed at Jean. Pleading for his life, Jean explained that the shooting was a hoax planned by Lincoln himself. Madeline apologized for believing that Jean was a killer. Then she informed him that he now had syphilis.

As Red Clay sat by the campfire, Brigham arrived, dressed in a French maid outfit (provided by Trapper Jean). Brigham was prepared to put aside his doubts and work to save their relationship. Touched by Brigham’s devotion, Red Clay got down on one knee and asked to marry Brigham in a traditional Chipapoo ceremony. Brigham accepted.

TO BE CONTINUED…

Season 5, Episode 13: Sockdologizing Old Mantrap

Episode 13: Sockdologizing Old Mantrap

Will McGotnuthin pled with Hop Hop to give him back his teaching position. Hop Hop agreed, even though Will had never actually LOST his job.

HOP HOP: “I don’t remember firing you…I remember kicking your ass!”
WILL: “I interpreted that as firing.”

Now that that was cleared up, Hop Hop asked Will to star in Hop Hop’s new play, “Our Chinese Cousin,” the story of an emperor who changes places with his identical cousin in order to experience common life. As soon as Hop Hop offered him the part, Will had a flashback to his days with his sisters’ criminal Shakespeare troupe.

In the jail, Red Clay gave Brigham Young some flowers he’d picked through the window. Brigham was torn with guilt over the plagues God was sending over their forbidden love, but Red Clay didn’t care. They decided to escape and leave Little One Point together.

Since Fantastic Sam’s barbershop burned down, Constance came to Sam’s house to trim her braid. Afterwards, Constance remarked that she couldn’t pay him with money. Sam wasn’t concerned, since he’d gotten $61 from his insurance. Constance explained that she’d been offering to pay him another way, reminding him of their times together when she thought he was a horse.

Abraham Lincoln visited Roswell Diabolicus, explaining that he’d had to drop Sam’s lawsuit against Roswell when he learned that Sam was lying about being a horse. However, Lincoln was bringing a new case against him on general principles (not to mention the fact that Roswell abandoned Lincoln after fathering him).

Sheriff Madeline Clementine was strolling along when Hop Hop arrived and offered her a part in “Our Chinese Cousin.” She would be playing the palace courtesan who finds true love with the substitute emperor. Madeline was intrigued with the idea of playing someone so unlike herself, and started improvising some dialogue. The rehearsal was overheard by a mysterious stranger, who introduced himself as the French fur trapper Trapper Jean.

Having snuck out of his cell once again, Brigham Young visited Will McGotnuthin at the general store. Brigham asked Will to help break Red Clay out of jail too, but Will was upset that Brigham didn’t follow through with taking revenge on Roswell Diabolicus after last week’s jailbreak. Brigham promised Will that if he helped Red Clay escape, the two of them would leave Little One Point and never return. Will accepted the offer.

Fantastic Sam was strolling down 2nd Avenue, reveling in his new wealth and pimpin’ threads. Sam explained to a puzzled Abraham Lincoln that he’d found a loophole in the law, and was insuring things that weren’t even his. Deeply disappointed by his former client’s behavior, Lincoln told Sam that they couldn’t be friends anymore. Lincoln then served Sam with a subpoena for insurance fraud.

Constance was tending bar when Trapper Jean entered. She poured him a drink of her new invention, Constance Cola. Jean was impressed (“Zut alors! Zat is, how you say, tasty fucking beverage!”), but could see that she was troubled. Constance explained that she wrote to her family to share the good news of her success, but they wrote back calling her a whore. Jean sympathized with her plight.

TRAPPER JEAN: “Ah, ma cherie…if ravens had not eaten my tear ducts, I would cry.”

Hop Hop paid a visit to Roswell Diabolicus, inviting him to produce the play. Roswell agreed, if Hop Hop would help him with a project of his own. Roswell explained that the plagues were God’s punishment on homosexuality, and he’d devised a plan to put all the gays in one place so the rest of the town would be safe. Showing Hop Hop a map, Roswell pointed out an area shaped like a buck’s head, and proposed sending all the gays there. Hop Hop suggested they instead put all the gays in the middle of the city…mid-town, as it were.

Madeline visited Red Clay’s cell to see whether Red Clay was willing to leave Brigham to her in exchange for his freedom. Before Red Clay could answer, Brigham snuck back into his cell and found himself face to face with Madeline. Madeline pled with Brigham to take things back to the way they were before Brigham left her for Red Clay. However, Brigham stood by his love for Red Clay. Heartbroken, Madeline opened their cells and told the two of them to leave.

Fantastic Sam and Constance were rehearsing a scene from “Our Chinese Cousin,” with Hop Hop directing and Lincoln watching from a balcony seat. Lincoln kept disrupting the rehearsal with his constant side-coaching, until Hop Hop yelled at him to leave the directing to him. As Sam and Constance rehearsed their scene, Trapper Jean quietly snuck up behind Lincoln and shot him in the head. As everyone reacted in shock, the assassin revealed his full name…Trapper Jean Wilkes Booth!

TO BE CONTINUED…

Season 5, Episode 12: It's the Real Thing

Episode 12: It’s the Real Thing

Sheriff Madeline Clementine led Red Clay back to his cell, where he was being held for public indecency for going around without pants. Red Clay defended himself by explaining that in Chipapoo culture, pants are indecent. Madeline offered to free Red Clay if he’d promise never to see Brigham Young again.

RED CLAY: “Sheriff, your motives painfully clear now.”
MADELINE: “Were they not clear before?”

Will McGotnuthin returned to the school just as substitute teacher Fantastic Sam dismissed the class. Sam explained that he’s just not cut out for teaching, but Will urged him to hang in there until Will got his job back. Sam agreed, as long as Will would stop teaching the theory of “evilution,” and start teaching that man is intrinsically good. However, Will had seen too much evil up close (in the form of his evil sisters) to believe that.

At the bar, Constance was tremendously excited because she’d just invented a new beverage. When Roswell Diabolicus came in to find out what all the noise was about, Constance explained her new concoction. When she got a stomachache, she fixed herself some bicarbonate of soda & water, then added sugar and syrup for flavor. As a finishing touch, she added some coffee for a caffeine kick. Roswell sampled her invention and declared it to be “fucking delicious!”

Hop Hop paid a visit to Brigham Young in his prison cell, where Brigham was also doing time for public indecency.

BRIGHAM: “I’m in jail for love.”
HOP HOP: “You in jail for running around with you man-boobs hanging out!”

Brigham explained that his love for Red Clay had led him to turn his back on his mission from God. As punishment, God had cursed Little One Point with plagues of buzzards, frogs, and wine (though they weren’t sure that last one was meant as a plague). The fourth plague of syphilis would be coming soon.

Will went to Madeline’s office. He explained that, during his drinking days, he’d been fired for messing up the kids’ heads. Now that he’d sobered up, he had two dreams… going back to teaching, and getting revenge on Roswell Diabolicus. He needed a posse to get Roswell, and he needed a sharpshooter for that posse. Will pleaded with Madeline to release Brigham Young.

Around the abandoned campfire, the Chipapoo spirits called out to Red Clay. They were joined by the voice of God, who was searching for Brigham. Despite being omniscient, for some reason they couldn’t find Brigham and Red Clay. To make matters worse, God was running out of ideas for plagues. Finally, they decided to burn Atlanta unless Brigham and Red Clay called off their love.

Hopped up on caffeine, Roswell Diabolicus was stocking the store’s shelves at super-speed. His mind was racing with plans for Constance’s new beverage, such as adding cocaine to make it even more addictive. Fantastic Sam arrived to buy supplies. The father and son argued over Roswell’s commitment to evil, and Sam’s lack of commitment to anything. Eventually, the fight turned into a teary-eyed moment.

Later on, Roswell was cleaning up at Castle Gayskull when Constance arrived, asking for more bicarbonate of soda for her recipe. Roswell agreed to supply her with all the ingredients she needs, in return for which he’ll own the rights to the beverage and get all the profits. They tossed around some possible names for the drink, including “Constance Cola.”

Red Clay was passing the time in his cell by singing a traditional Chipapoo hunting song, when Hop Hop rode in (throwing away his horse afterwards). As Hop Hop explained about the plagues besetting Little One Point, a buzzard fell from the sky. Hop Hop took the buzzard and started nursing it back to health. Hop Hop pointed out the contradiction between Red Clay’s disdain for the white man and his love of Brigham Young (similar to the contradiction of Hop Hop’s caring for the buzzard and disregard for the horse). Hop Hop gave Red Clay a fortune cookie to determine the future: “You will have a lot of fun this weekend.”

Madeline was relaxing in her room when a distraught Fantastic Sam entered. Sam explained that he wanted revenge on Roswell, but didn’t want to side with Will. As he pondered coming up with a plan to double-cross Will, Madeline took him to task for being so self-centered.

MADELINE: “Sam, why is it always about YOU?”
SAM: “I’m at the center of my universe!”

Brigham Young was singing in his cell when Will McGotnuthin entered. They agreed to put aside their feud and have an uneasy truce while they hunt down Roswell. Will used his whip to yank the window out of the wall. Brigham escaped his cell, but explained that he needed to be back by evening to reunite with Red Clay.

The hyperactive Roswell had just finished writing his third book of really bad poetry when he started to come down from his caffeine high. Roswell ordered his new companion/power pet, Dreidel Boy, to guard the castle during his weakness. Suddenly, Brigham and Will burst in and shot Dreidel Boy. Before they could confront Roswell, Constance arrived with a six-pack of “Constance Cola.” Lying helpless on the floor, Roswell pleaded with her to pour a bottle into his mouth. She did so, and the revitalized Roswell leapt to his feet.

TO BE CONTINUED…

Season 5, Episode 11: The Justal System

Episode 11: The Justal System

Constance was in jail for shooting Kitty Bumper (which she did between episodes). When Hop Hop came in to bring holiday greetings to the prisoners, Constance asked him to help her get Abraham Lincoln as her lawyer (even though he was a witness to the shooting). Hop Hop told her he’d see what he could do, then gave her a Christmas gift: a lady’s flask full of liquor.

Sheriff Madeline Clementine was doing her holiday shopping at the general store when she ran into Red Clay. Red Clay explained that he was trying the white man tradition of buying gifts for his special someone, Brigham Young…who used to be Madeline’s special someone. Red Clay explained that it was the will of his ancestors to “let love of Brigham Young blossom.” Madeline argued that they could have meant Brigham’s love for her. She apologized for her father stealing his people’s land, but pointed out that now Red Clay had stolen her last chance for happiness.

Abraham Lincoln and Fantastic Sam were drinking at the bar. When Lincoln asked Sam about his new bipedal stance, Sam explained that he was never really a horse, but had just been in disguise. Lincoln informed Sam that he couldn’t continue the case because Sam had lied to him. Sam understood that, and was prepared to face the consequences of his deception. In admiration of Sam’s courage, Lincoln took the case again.

Brigham Young was out skipping stones when the spirit of Jabby Butts appeared, sent by God to clarify Brigham’s mission. God’s message wasn’t “Mormon,” but “More Man”…Brigham’s mission was to lead the Mormons by procreating, producing more men.

BRIGHAM: “I wake up thinking ‘more man,’ too, but that’s just the relationship I’m in.”

Jabby explained that Brigham couldn’t reproduce with another man, but must use the sacred vessel of a woman’s womb. (Jabby’s vocabulary had improved since he went to Heaven.)

Going around singing carols, Hop Hop visited Red Clay’s campfire. They discussed Red Clay’s change of wardrobe (abandoning white man pants and wearing only his Chipapoo loincloth), then started talking about the white man’s holiday traditions. Red Clay showed Hop Hop the Christmas stocking he had bought for Brigham, tied around Red Clay’s waist and hanging over his Johnson.

The spirit of Jabby Butts appeared to Constance Snell in her cell, explaining that he had come to save her from a life of sin. However, since prostitution had brought her friends and a good livelihood, and her “clean-living” past only brought her misery, he didn’t have much luck convincing her.

Fantastic Sam paid a visit to Madeline for assistance in his legal battle against Roswell Diabolicus, since he’d found Lincoln to be indecisive and inarticulate. Sam tried to win her over by bringing gifts based on her offhand remarks, though he stopped short when she called him “a diamond in the rough.”

Brigham Young explained his dilemma to Lincoln: “Apparently, I have to choose between the man that I love and the God that I obey. And whether I wear pants or not.” After some discussion, Brigham chose Red Clay and no pants.

As Madeline slept, the spirit of Jabby Butts visited her in the form of her father’s horse, Colta. Jabby/Colta informed her that she would play a vital part in the future of the nation…she must arrest Red Clay so that Brigham can fulfill his destiny. Jabby/Colta upped the pressure on Madeline by telling her it was her father’s last wish.

Red Clay was dancing around the campfire when his ancestors spoke to him. Red Clay explained that he was torn between the life of a warrior and his un-warrior-like love of a man. The one ancestor who knew this conflict urged him to follow the path that brings him happiness.

As Hop Hop and Fantastic Sam practiced Christmas carols, Hop Hop asked Sam if he’d had any religion when he was a horse. Sam explained that he had enough trouble understanding mankind to deal with the concept of a higher power. Sam also confided that he had great fear and anxiety about mortality…not so much in his own death, but in being left behind by others.

HOP HOP: “You were wise as a horse, but were never wiser than you are now as a man.”

Abraham Lincoln visited Constance Snell in the jail. Although the door was open, Constance remained in her cell, obsessively washing the gunpowder from her hands. Lincoln explained that she was a prisoner of her own heart, then asked her “Is what you’ve done truly wrong under the Constitution and the US justal system?” After much deliberation, Constance decided that her actions were justified. Lincoln declared her to be free.

Red Clay was talking to the Great Cactus Spirit when Brigham Young arrived…wearing no shirt under his vest and no pants under his chaps. Red Clay gave Brigham his stocking, and Brigham gave Red Clay a new hand-carved kazoo to replace the one which represented Chipapoo strife. God spoke out and announced that He was so disappointed with Brigham that He was closing His doors to him. As Brigham pondered what this meant, the mood was quickly brightened up by the arrival of the caroling townspeople. Everybody in Little One Point was united in holiday cheer and brotherhood. Then Madeline arrested both Brigham and Red Clay for public indecency.

TO BE CONTINUED…

Season 5, Episode 10: Bumper Carnage

Episode 10: Bumper Carnage

Having abandoned his horse disguise, Sam paid a visit to Abraham Lincoln (who couldn’t quite put his finger on what was different about Sam). Sam explained that he had turned his back on his father, Roswell Diabolicus, and was going straight by opening a barber shop (“Fantastic Sam’s”). Lincoln revealed that Roswell was his biological father, though he was raised by a man named Mabel Schminken. Sam recognized the name as that of Will McGotnuthin’s arch-nemesis (even though they called him “Hasem Minken” in Episode 8).

A drunken Will McGotnuthin was teaching to an empty classroom at 2 AM when Sheriff Madeline Clementine arrived to investigate the disturbance. Discovering that Will had fallen prey to the “sugary sweetness & alcohol goodness” of Roswell Diabolicus’ wine coolers, Madeline offered to help him straighten himself out. Will interpreted her offer as a flirtation, then confessed that, ever since he’d been separated from his sisters, he’d forgotten how to act around women. In the course of their conversation, Madeline dropped her handkerchief. As she picked it up, Will realized that he should have retrieved it for her. He asked her to drop it again so he could do so.

Hop Hop discovered Red Clay preparing a Chipapoo mating ritual. When Hop Hop asked who Red Clay’s “special someone” was, Red Clay replied that it was Brigham Young. Red Clay explained that his ancestors had told him to “let love of Brigham Young blossom”…so he did. At Hop Hop’s insistence, Red Clay sang of his love for Brigham (with the help of wandering troubadour Slim Talley).

Constance Snell was tending bar when itinerant prostitute Kitty Bumper strode in looking for work. Abraham Lincoln came in and samples some of Constance’s fudge, while Constance and Kitty went to the other side of the room for a private talk. When Kitty asked about Constance’s price structure, Constance admitted that she didn’t have a set price list, but just accepted whatever her customers gave her. Impressed by Kitty’s businesslike manner, Constance asked her advice on whoring.

Brigham Young was skipping stones by the lake, pouring out his heart to a cactus about his kiss with Red Clay.

BRIGHAM: “Loving him is like pooping on a skillet…It’s hard, but it’s worth the effort.”

Fantastic Sam walked by, but Brigham didn’t recognize him out of the horse costume. Once Sam explained who he was, Brigham began wondering whether the cactus was also a person in disguise. He tested this theory by kicking it over.

SAM: “I think you just kicked the shit out of a talking cactus.”
BRIGHAM: “Well, I feel dumb.”

Brigham told Sam that he was conflicted between his love for Red Clay (though he didn’t mention him by name) and God’s calling him to lead the Mormons to Iowa (“That, and the fact that I don’t know who the Mormons are or where Iowa is.”). Sam advised him to go to Iowa and THEN find a woman there who reminds him of his “special someone.”

Later, Red Clay visited Brigham at home. After some awkward small talk, God spoke to Brigham and asked what the hold-up was on the mission. After Brigham explained that he didn’t know where to go, Red Clay’s ancestral spirits told Red Clay to lead Brigham to Iowa. Brigham thanked God for being so much more vague and cryptic than the Chipapoo spirits.

Hop Hop went to Jed’s Saloon for a tryst with Constance, but was surprised to meet Kitty Bumper instead. Nonplussed, he got down to business with the new hooker. Afterwards, Kitty started pumping him for information about Red Clay. Her curiosity was piqued when Hop Hop said that Red Clay owned the whole town, but she immediately lost interest after learning that Red Clay lost it again. She then asked about Brigham. Hop Hop told her that Brigham was gay, but she wasn’t about to let that stop her.

Fantastic Sam urged Will McGotnuthin to stop teaching the theory of “evil-lution,” calling it “a hobgobnobbery of flim-flam.” Sam explained that, rather than teaching that man is becoming more evil, Will should inspire his students to heroism instead. Will sat down for a haircut as Sam explained that every man is the hero of his own story.

Constance Snell paid a visit to Sheriff Madeline Clementine to dish about the new girl in town, Kitty Bumper. Constance’s initial admiration for Kitty’s business sense had been overwhelmed by her disgust with Kitty’s mercenary attitude, snide comments, and overall rudeness. Madeline couldn’t arrest Kitty for prostitution, or else she’d have to arrest Constance as well just to be fair. Still, they agreed that something needed to be done about Kitty. Constance suggested killing her, but Madeline was sworn to uphold the law. However, Madeline hinted that if Kitty attacked Constance, Constance would be justified in using lethal force to defend herself.

At the saloon, Fantastic Sam and Abraham Lincoln were discussing their lawsuit when Kitty Bumper entered. After Lincoln left them alone, Kitty tried to seduce Sam while questioning him about Red Clay. Sam saw through her act and asked what she was really up to. She replied that she was just trying to take over the town.

Red Clay and Brigham Young enjoyed an evening’s entertainment by looking at a series of drawings they made, which they dubbed “moving pictures.” Brigham asked Red Clay why he wore both pants and a loincloth. Red Clay explained that the pants were to blend in while he was in white man town…but now that they were on the edge of town, Red Clay prepared to take them off.

Despite having seen through Kitty’s motives, Sam still had sex with her. As they were tidying themselves up afterwards, Lincoln came back for a second helping of Constance’s fudge. Constance arrived and was deeply upset to see Kitty handling her fudge. Lincoln gave a stern lecture to Kitty for her rudeness, then harangued Sam for falling for Kitty’s wiles and hurting Constance. Kitty made an insinuating wisecrack about Constance’s friendship with Madeline. Constance stormed out, and Sam ran after her. Lincoln confronted Kitty about her actions.

LINCOLN: “I hope you’re happy. You’ve torn this town apart!”
KITTY: “I’m not happy till the $20 is left on the headboard.”

TO BE CONTINUED…

Season 5, Episode 9: Abraham de Bergerac

Episode 9: Abraham de Bergerac

Abraham Lincoln and Brigham Young were sitting together at the bar, enjoying the musical stylings of the saloon piano player Stuttering Sal. Brigham confided to Lincoln that he was conflicted between God’s plans for him and his budding romance with Madeline. Lincoln advised him to be honest with Madeline about the whole “talking with God” thing, or it would just fester between them. Brigham was so impressed by Lincoln’s words that he asked Lincoln to hide behind a cactus and feed him lines when he talks to Madeline.

Hop Hop brought some Christmas brownies to Constance Snell, then mentioned that his pet chicken, Mr. Cluck-No-More, was missing. After an awkward moment, Constance confessed that she had the chicken and had adopted him as her own pet, renaming him “Pancake.” In keeping with the Christmas spirit (even though he’s Buddhist), Hop Hop agreed to let her keep the chicken…if she gave him the saloon in exchange. Since the saloon was what meant the most in her life, Constance agreed to return Mr. Cluck-No-More. Hop Hop was so moved by her sacrifice that he decided to let her keep the chicken and the saloon…he’d just settle for her fantastic vagina.

Seeking a mate with whom to repopulate the Chipapoo tribe, Red Clay put on some deer-urine cologne and called upon his ancestors for romantic advice. Only one of his ancestors, Andy, had any experience with white women; Andy advised Red Clay to give them diamonds and pretend to listen to them. Some diamonds mysteriously appeared beneath Red Clay’s campfire.

At the general store, Roswell Diabolicus was anxiously awaiting a visit from a mystery shopper when Will McGotnuthin came in for some more wine coolers. Roswell was surprised that his new concoction had appealed to a male over age 12, but was happy to oblige a customer. Roswell asked Will how things were going at the school. Will explained that by teaching the theory of “evil-lution,” the idea that mankind is growing more evil as time goes by, he hoped that the knowledge would stop the growth of evil. Roswell insisted that Will not stand in the way of the natural order of evil, then tried to bribe him with free wine coolers. Will accepted.

Sam the Horse went to see Sheriff Madeline Clementine in her office. Sam explained that he had broken his ass twice last week, and would be unable to do any work as her deputy…but he still wanted to be paid. Madeline refused to give him any money for work he isn’t doing. Sam was so enraged that he began stomping around the office, bending over backwards, and even doing a Cossack dance, all the while insisting that he was in no physical condition to work. The argument escalated until Madeline recovered her composure and attempted to make peace. Sam offered her a piece of the action in his lawsuit against Roswell Diabolicus.

Red Clay set up a trail of rose petals to lure women to his campfire, then practiced his best impression of the legendary Chipapoo ladies’ man White Bear (the forerunner of our Barry White). Constance Snell followed the trail, accompanied by her chicken Pancake. As she talked about her new pet, Red Clay pretended to listen, then gave her the diamonds from the campfire.

RED CLAY: “Now, off-um with pants!”
CONSTANCE: “Well, as long as you keep these diamonds coming…”

Abraham Lincoln paid a visit to Castle Gayskull to serve Roswell Diabolicus with the papers for Sam’s lawsuit.

ROSWELL: “Sam is suing me for falling on his own anus?”
LINCOLN: “Well, if he fell on someone else’s, it wouldn’t be much of a lawsuit, would it?”

After getting over his initial indignation, Roswell began to see the potential of frivolous lawsuits like this one. Roswell foresaw a future in which lawyers could be a powerful tool for evil.

Hop Hop went to see how the school was coming along, and was appalled to find Will McGotnuthin drunk on wine coolers and very belligerent. Hop Hop sent the kids outside and confronted Will about his disgraceful behavior. Will and Hop Hop started to fight (while the kids placed bets). The battle came to a quick end when Hop Hop threw his hat at Will’s midsection, knocking him down.

Roswell confronted Sam about the lawsuit, upset that Sam was endangering their evil master plan by taking such actions on his own. Roswell warned that he could reveal that Sam was only a human being in a horse costume. Sam explained that the lawsuit was just his attempt to follow in Roswell’s footsteps, but it was a lame, petty attempt at evil. Sam confided that he just didn’t feel cut out for evil, and wanted to quit. He also informed Roswell that small children saw through his horse costume and kept trying to hit him. Desperate to persuade Sam to stay, Roswell devised a plan in which people in animal costumes would lure people into some sort of park, where the patrons would spend lots of money and wait in long lines. Despite the obvious evilness of this idea, Sam still quit.

Brigham Young laid a trail of rose petals to lead Madeline out to their trysting spot in the desert, where Lincoln hid behind a cactus and told Brigham what to say. Brigham kept mangling Lincoln’s words, until finally Brigham couldn’t continue the deception. He introduced Lincoln to Madeline, then sent Lincoln on his way. Once they were alone, Brigham told Madeline that he loved her, but that he’d been called by God to lead the Mormons (even though he didn’t know who or what the Mormons were). Suddenly, Red Clay interrupted, trying to seduce Madeline himself. Both God and Red Clay’s ancestors spoke up simultaneously. God told Brigham to put his gun away, and Red Clay’s ancestors urged Red Clay to “let love of Brigham Young blossom.” Taking his ancestors’ advice, Red Clay knocked Madeline out and sang a love song to Brigham. Brigham and Red Clay kissed passionately.

TO BE CONTINUED…

Season 5, Episode 8: Lincoln, Lincoln, I've Been Thinkin'...

Episode 8: Lincoln, Lincoln, I’ve Been Thinkin’…

Still lying in the street bleeding after his duel with Will McGotnuthin, Brigham Young got a message from God. God told Brigham that he needed to lead his people to another place.

Mayor Hop Hop stopped by the school (located in the back room of Roswell Diabolicus’ general store) to find out how they were doing. Will McGotnuthin, the teacher, blamed Brigham Young for the sorry state of the school, explaining that Brigham kept taking up valuable classroom space with the store’s backstock. When Will mentioned his duel with Brigham, Hop Hop took him to task for setting a bad example for the children. Hop Hop urged Will to settle his differences like a man, by playing Chinese Checkers (“ridiculous game, with marbles and pentagram…if you lose, Satan comes up!”)

Constance Snell was tending bar when Abraham Lincoln entered. She asked to try on his stovepipe hat to see if it would make her look taller. Lincoln explained that he was traveling on a mission to make sure people don’t fight, and to set free any dogs he might see penned up.

CONSTANCE: “So what’s up with that beard & no mustache?”
LINCOLN: “Well, I have a personal stylist, and she tells me people will remember it.”

Constance invited Lincoln upstairs for a “transaction” and a game of Chinese Checkers.

Sam the Horse gave Roswell Diabolicus a ride to the store, where they discussed their evil plans. Roswell had developed a new invention to lure people to the side of evil…something called a “wine cooler.” Being sweeter and less potent than whiskey, it would be more tempting to women and 12-year-old boys. Sam proposed throwing a hoedown to recruit followers, but warned that his brittle bones might not withstand the dance. Roswell realized that Sam was so committed to evil, he’d come up with a plan that might destroy himself! Sam celebrated with a victory dance, fell and broke his ass.

The wounded Brigham Young staggered in to Sheriff Madeline Clementine’s office. Madeline awkwardly attempted to rush to his side, but explained:

MADELINE: “My accoutrements are slowing me down!”
BRIGHAM: “You got Cooter Mints?!”

Brigham explained that God had spoken to him twice since the shooting, but had forgotten to heal him. He asked Madeline to apply pressure to his wound to stop the bleeding. Madeline worried that she might drive the bullet in further.

BRIGHAM: “You always think of things like that. That’s why I love you so.”
MADELINE: “Brigham, what did you say?”
BRIGHAM: “Oh…I got to go!”

Abraham Lincoln visited the mayor’s office, where Hop Hop forced the stranger to join him in a chicken-dance to celebrate his pet Mr. Cluck-No-More’s birthday. Once that was out of the way, Lincoln offered his services as a lawyer, explaining the concept of contracts. Impressed by his speaking talent, Hop Hop suggested that Lincoln get into politics. When Hop Hop explained that politics was all about lying, Lincoln corrected him and urged him to use his authority honestly. Hop Hop was so moved that he came up with a new nickname for the visitor: “Honest Abe.”

Sam the Horse ran into Will McGotnuthin and invited him to the hoedown at Ye Olde Spaghetti Factory, asking him to bring his students as well. Sam mentioned the stranger in town, but struggled to remember Lincoln’s name. Will thought that Sam was talking about Hasem Minken, the lawyer who had unsuccessfully defended Will’s sisters and got them thrown in jail. They resolved to take revenge on Minken at the dance. Sam did a celebration dance and broke his ass again.

Abraham Lincoln stopped by Castle Gayskull, and was surprised when Roswell Diabolicus (a complete stranger to him) greeted him so familiarly. Roswell pointed out the similarity in their appearances (“Do you think you selected a big hat and chin beard randomly?”) and revealed that he was Lincoln’s biological father. Lincoln was dismayed to realize that he was the son of an evil man. Angered by his son’s rejection, Roswell warned Lincoln to beware the theatre. Lincoln vowed that he would continue his theatre-going habits undaunted.

Madeline paid a visit to Constance for some advice about Brigham’s declaration of love.

MADELINE: “Constance, what does love mean?”
CONSTANCE: “It means a handsome stranger in a stovepipe hat and private parts the likes of which you have never seen!”

Constance advised Madeline to have sex with Brigham to see how good he is before rushing into marriage. The talk of marriage took Madeline by surprise, since (being 28 years old and single) she had resigned herself to being an old maid.

Hop Hop used an ancient Chinese secret remedy to extract the bullet and heal Brigham’s wound. God spoke up, and Brigham asked God to clarify who were the “chosen people” he had to lead. God explained that Brigham had been called upon to help the morons of the world, but Brigham misunderstood. After Brigham’s talk with God, Hop Hop urged Brigham to make peace with Will. Hop Hop drove the point home by singing “The Rose.”

Will McGotnuthin was sitting at the bar, talking to Constance, when Brigham Young entered. Out of habit, Will and Brigham drew their weapons at the sight of each other. Constance persuaded them to sit down and play a game of “Connect Four” (even though none of them knew the rules). Once they’d settled down, Brigham explained that he’d been chosen to lead the Mormons to Sioux City, Iowa…and they’d need a teacher.

CONSTANCE: “Do they need a whore, too?”
BRIGHAM: “Do they ever!”

That evening, at the hoedown, everybody was enjoying themselves and partaking of Roswell’s wine coolers. The threatened conflict between Will McGotnuthin and “Hasem Minken” came to nothing when Will realized that Abraham Lincoln wasn’t his enemy. As Lincoln and Sam the Horse discussed filing a lawsuit over Sam’s broken ass, the focus shifted to Brigham Young and Madeline Clementine as they shared a passionate kiss.

TO BE CONTINUED…

Season 5, Episode 7: A Little One Point Thanksgiving

Episode 7: A Little One Point Thanksgiving

To take his mind off of Shirlene’s death, Sam the Horse was teaching Will McGotnuthin how to pitch horseshoes. Unfortunately, it didn’t work, and Sam soon started crying so hard that he threw up. Will explained that it’s natural to be attracted to the “bad girl” (or, in Shirlene’s case, the “bad girl/boy”); it’s all part of the evolutionary process. However, Sam had been too busy putting his shoes back on to listen to Will’s explanation.

Brigham Young arrived at the general store, where Roswell Diabolicus pointed out that Brigham hadn’t been in to work in 4 weeks. Brigham explained that, as manager, he’d given himself a good talking-to about his absenteeism. Roswell decided that maybe the position of manager had been too much for Brigham, and made him assistant manager instead.

ROSWELL: “You’ll have the same responsibilities, but less pay.”
BRIGHAM: “I like where this is going.”

Adding to their problems, the store’s entire stock of food had been eaten by the rats which Shirlene let loose before she died. Roswell and Brigham discussed the idea of getting more food by hunting animals. Brigham proposed that they kill and eat Will McGotnuthin instead. Roswell admired the viciousness of Brigham’s plan.

Traumatized by her imprisonment at Castle Gayskull, Constance Snell had started hearing voices and believed that Jesus spoke to her. Constance and Hop Hop decided to go hunting for food, with Hop Hop using his new invention, the Chicken-Scope (his chicken, Mr. Cluck-No-More, attached to a rifle barrel). Constance asked why they couldn’t just eat Mr. Cluck-No-More instead.

Madeline went out to the woods to talk to Red Clay about the food shortage. Red Clay was angry about the way the white man always comes to the Indian for help, only to repay them with beads and massacres. However, with his tribe all dead, the people of Little One Point were now the only family Red Clay had. Madeline convinced Red Clay to help them with a long, moving speech about the true nature of family (which somehow incorporated the word “uterus”).

Sam the Horse paid a visit to Roswell Diabolicus, berating Roswell for revealing the fact that Roswell had fathered everyone in town.

SAM: “How are we going to keep our evil circle from being broken when we keep divulging information we shouldn’t?”

And with that, Sam pulled off his mask, revealing the human being inside his “horse” persona!

Constance Snell and Hop Hop were out hunting when Sam (back in his horse disguise) passed by, talking about how full and fat he felt. Wondering where Sam had gotten food, Hop Hop pulled out a fortune cookie for advice. The starving Constance grabbed the cookie and wolfed it down, fortune and all. Hop Hop pondered how to retrieve the fortune.

CONSTANCE: “Honey, you gonna crack me open, you’re gonna have to pay for it.”

On his way to the school, Will McGotnuthin ran into Brigham Young. They pulled their weapons on each other and decided to resume their showdown, which had been interrupted by the dynamite blast a couple of weeks ago. To make the showdown more fair, Brigham gave Will one of his guns. They took three paces, turned and fired. Both men fell.

Sam was “helping” Red Clay find food in the woods, pointing out such delicacies as crabgrass. Suddenly, a sheep wandered into the area. Red Clay carefully stalked the sheep with his bow & arrow. After Red Clay wounded the sheep, both Sam and Red Clay wrestled it to the ground and broke off its head.

Madeline paid a visit to Roswell Diabolicus to see if his genius had come up with a way of providing food. Since she had learned that Roswell was her biological father, there was even more tension than usual between them. She brought the subject around to the famine, pointing out that even Roswell looked more gaunt than usual.

ROSWELL: “Yes, I’ve lost 13 pounds…reducing my weight to 13 pounds.”

Roswell asked her to call everyone in town to the giant table, but Madeline warned him that she hoped this wasn’t one of his evil plans. Enraged, Roswell started ranting about his daughter’s ingratitude. Madeline was thrilled, because a family argument was just what they needed to make this a REAL Thanksgiving.

Will McGotnuthin and Brigham Young both came to, trying to figure out who shot whom. Will had been wounded in the arm, and Brigham, clutching his chest, declared that Will’s bullet had passed through him in four places. As Brigham lay gravely wounded, God spoke and reassured Brigham that he would live. Brigham waited for God to add more to the message, but that was it.

All the townspeople (except for Will & Brigham) gathered around the communal table, preparing for the Thanksgiving dinner of lamb and corn. Everyone took turns saying what they were thankful for. Madeline gave thanks for fashion and forgiveness. Red Clay gave thanks to the Great Sheep Spirit for letting him kick its head off. Constance was thankful that the sheep’s head was gone so she didn’t have to look at it. Roswell gave thanks that “the icy grip of death hasn’t clutched us.” Roswell then announced that he had his own contribution to make to the feast. Suddenly, he snapped the neck of his monstrous bobcat Mr. Nosy and placed it on the table as “kitty stuffing.” Finally, Hop Hop gave thanks for Little One Point, the land of opportunity. They all started singing in celebration, when Will McGotnuthin burst in and announced that Brigham Young was dying in the street.

TO BE CONTINUED…

Season 5, Episode 6: The Prisoner of Castle Gayskull

Episode 6: The Prisoner of Castle Gayskull

Constance Snell was struggling to adjust to her new life as Mrs. Roswell Diabolicus, especially since she didn’t remember the wedding ceremony. In fact, she didn’t remember much of anything since Roswell conked her on the head last week. Constance was deeply distressed over not being allowed to leave the castle, and was even more freaked out by the fact that Roswell’s bobcat Mr. Nosy had transformed into a hideous monster.

Gravely injured by last week’s dynamite blast, Hop Hop staggered to Red Clay’s campfire in search of medical aid.

HOP HOP: “Why this happen to Hop Hop?”
RED CLAY: “Hop Hop pick up dynamite. Not best idea.”

After Red Clay applied some cactus salve to Hop Hop’s burns, he used the tribal scepter passed down by his father, Chief Running Gag, to determine whether Hop Hop was responsible for calling the US Cavalry to attack his tribe. Not to be outdone, Hop Hop gave Red Clay a fortune cookie to foretell his future. Red Clay informed Hop Hop that the Cavalry had massacred the entire Chipapoo tribe, including the 10 buffalo-breasted squaws he had promised Hop Hop. Taking their respective magic talismans (the scepter and the cookies), Red Clay and Hop Hop set out on a magic quest to find the guilty party.

Brigham Young brought some eggs as a peace offering to Shirlene. Shirlene couldn’t believe that Brigham wasn’t angry with her for all the evil things she’s done, including holding a gun to his head. Brigham explained that he was through running from his problems, and now wanted to face life together with her as father and hermaphroditic child. Shirlene destroyed Brigham’s paternal pride by revealing that she was NOT his child! She explained the truth…many years ago, her family was killed by a traveling Shakespeare troupe, leaving her the gravely wounded sole survivor. Brigham Young healed her and saved her life, but immediately ran out of town…and she’s hated Brigham ever since for abandoning her.

Sam the Horse apologetically released Madeline from the jail cell, where he had locked her up for her own protection. Madeline noticed that Sam was no longer preaching social revolution, and he explained (in a song) that he had fallen in love with Shirlene, even though he knew about the evil in her. Sam hoped that he could eliminate Shirlene’s evil side by shooting her and letting Brigham heal her. Seeing the mess that Little One Point was in, Madeline pinned her badge back on her chest and re-appointed herself Sheriff.

We saw a wacky montage of Red Clay and Hop Hop on their magic quest.

Shirlene opened the door to Castle Gayskull. Constance was thrilled to be reunited with her “daughter,” but her excitement turned back into dismay when Shirlene locked the door behind her, once again trapping Constance inside. Roswell Diabolicus entered the room and told Constance the truth about his relationship with Shirlene. Years ago, Roswell found the young girl after she had been healed and abandoned by Brigham Young. He took the child in and performed a sex-change experiment on her.

ROSWELL: “I made her a boy on the top and a girl on the bottom…the exact opposite of ME!”

Yes, Roswell was a hermaphrodite him/herself, and had altered Shirlene to be his perfect match.

Brigham Young and Sam the Horse were discussing all the weirdness they’d been through lately, and the conversation drifted to what they should do about Shirlene. Suddenly, God spoke to Brigham with some advice.

GOD: “I love all my creations, but sometimes I have to do the humane thing. I want you to do the humane thing.”
BRIGHAM: “Have her spayed?”
GOD: “Brigham, I’m sorry about your brain. I should have worked harder on it.”

God explained that, just as He sends down lightning to put down rabid dogs, Brigham should put down Shirlene. Sam took Brigham aside and explained that, as an animal, Sam had a connection with God…and he’s learned that sometimes God is wrong.

Roswell Diabolicus was stacking packages at the general store when Hop Hop came in, compelled by a mysterious urge to seek out Roswell’s newest invention, “Band-Aids.” Hop Hop confronted Roswell about the Chipapoo massacre, and Roswell suggested that Red Clay might have called in the Cavalry himself so that he could be the last of his tribe.

Constance Snell wrote a letter pleading for help, attaching the note to the leg of a bat.

Red Clay was luring passersby in by offering free beef jerky samples, then using his scepter to test their guilt. Suddenly, a bat landed on Red Clay’s shoulder, and he read the note tied to its leg. When Madeline passed by, Red Clay tested her and explained the situation. Madeline figured it was obvious that Roswell Diabolicus was responsible for the massacre. Brigham Young came back for a second helping of jerky.

RED CLAY: “Care for Teriyaki version, made from flesh of Hop Hop?”

Hop Hop rushed in and grabbed the Teriyaki jerky so he could reattach his skin.

Sam the Horse dreamed of a romantic dance sequence with Shirlene.

Back at Castle Gayskull, Shirlene sent a telegram to the US Cavalry, thanking them for their timely response. Madeline knocked on the door while the rest of her posse hid in the bushes. Madeline told Shirlene that she was checking in because Shirlene hadn’t been coming to school, and Shirlene explained her absence by accusing Will McGotnuthin of improper advances. Constance ran down the stairs and took this opportunity to escape, but was immediately brought back in tow when Roswell arrived. Roswell menacingly told Madeline that Mr. Nosy needed more food. Suddenly, the posse burst in to the rescue. Brigham shot Shirlene, and Madeline drove her parasol handle through Mr. Nosy’s heart (though, not being wood, it didn’t really have any effect on the undead monster-cat). Using his tribal scepter, Red Clay was surprised to discover that Shirlene was the guilty party. They all gathered around the mortally wounded Shirlene. Suddenly, God spoke to Brigham, saying that He’d changed his mind about putting Shirlene down. Too late. Roswell Diabolicus explained the true secret of Little One Point, and why everyone present had been drawn to it. Roswell revealed that he was the father of everyone there…except for Red Clay. In Red Clay’s case, Roswell was Red Clay’s mother!

TO BE CONTINUED…

Season 5, Episode 5: High Noon Hijinks

Episode 5: High Noon Hijinks

Returning from his self-imposed exile, Brigham Young went to see Mayor Hop Hop. Surprised to see him, Hop Hop explained that he had made a deal with Will McGotnuthin to banish Brigham from Little One Point.

BRIGHAM: “You’re wrong about Will McGotnuthin!”
HOP HOP: “I didn’t think I have opinion one way or the other!”

Brigham informed Hop Hop about Will’s criminal past as a member of a gang that drew people in by announcing Shakespeare festivals, then robbing the audience. Uncertain about which one to trust, Hop Hop put Brigham to the “fortune cookie test.” Brigham’s fortune read “Be direct. Usually one can accomplish much.”

Constance Snell and her unofficially adopted daughter Shirlene were putting away groceries when Shirlene started crying. Shirlene told Constance that a drunken Hop Hop had come to the saloon and started slapping her around. Constance swore to protect her.

Former sheriff Madeline Clementine paid a visit to the jail, where she discovered the new sheriff, Sam the Horse, behind bars. Sam explained that Roswell Diabolicus had tricked him into getting locked up, and Madeline got the keys to release him. Much to her chagrin, Sam then put HER in the cell, apologetically explaining that he was trying to keep her out of danger.

Red Clay went to see Roswell Diabolicus, careful to stay on his guard against the white man’s tricks.

RED CLAY: “You will not trick Red Clay into being calm and allaying his fears so you can pull fast one!”
ROSWELL: “Would you like some booze?”
RED CLAY: “Yes!”

Offering the treaty to Red Clay, Roswell then explained that his new invention, the telegraph scanner, had intercepted a message telling the US Cavalry to ambush Red Clay’s tribe. Roswell informed him that he could either take back the treaty or go to save his people. Already dismayed by this dilemma, Red Clay was further creeped out by the discovery that Roswell’s pet bobcat, Mr. Nosy, had no Great Bobcat Spirit inside it. Realizing that Mr. Nosy was undead, Roswell started babbling incoherently.

Will McGotnuthin visited Shirlene to find out why she hadn’t been to school. She explained that she was in love with Will, and feared that he’d abandon her like her father had. Will psychoanalyzed her as being “really fucked up.” Shirlene told him that people wouldn’t like it if they found out he talked to children like that, and started blackmailing him by threatening to accuse him of mistreating her.

In her cell, Madeline sang about her misfortunes.

MADELINE: “Here I am in the clink/
And it’s all the fault of that stupid…mayor of the town!”

Brigham Young ran into Will McGotnuthin in the street. They challenged each other to a showdown at high noon.

Shirlene met Sam the Horse, who informed her that he’d noticed the way she was manipulating everybody in town. As Sam confronted her, Shirlene threw a table across the room in rage, then broke down in tears and confessed her vendetta against everybody in town. Suddenly, Shirlene’s wig fell off.

Standing over the campfire, Red Clay flapped his loincloth to send smoke signals to warn his people. As he told his tribe to put their wagons in a square, other tribes intercepted the signals and offered to help. The Choctaw noticed that Red Clay’s balls were on fire.

Constance went to Castle Gayskull to search for Shirlene. Roswell lied that Shirlene was with him, then offered her his latest invention…Altoids. As the curiously strong mint burned Constance’s mouth, Roswell declared “Oh, there’s Shirlene now!” When Constance turned her back to him, Roswell pistol-whipped her (though it took several tries to have any effect on her thick skull).

Hop Hop had just discovered Madeline in the jail when Sam arrived with his new prisoner in tow…Shirlene. Sam warned them about Shirlene’s “demon within,” and a panicked Hop Hop locked himself up to escape the “demon.” Sam revealed the truth about Shirlene…many years ago, Roswell Diabolicus experimented with a newborn infant to create a new kind of human…a boy-girl. Reminded of his/her origins, Shirlene shrieked “I’M HIDEOUS!” and ran out in tears.

Brigham Young and Will McGotnuthin faced each other in the street, awaiting the arrival of high noon. Will explained his hatred of Brigham by recalling the time he was beaten up by two men while Brigham stood by, laughing and pointing.

BRIGHAM: “I’m not saying I’m a good man…but at least I didn’t pretend to do Shakespeare.”

Suddenly, the standoff was interrupted when Shirlene ran through, crying hysterically, followed by Sam the Horse. Hop Hop and Madeline peered through the window of the jail to witness the spectacle. Everybody pulled their guns on each other. Suddenly, a bundle of dynamite was thrown into their midst.

TO BE CONTINUED…

Season 5, Episode 4: Sixteen Tons of Cotton

Episode 4: Sixteen Tons of Cotton

Roswell Diabolicus invited Sam the Horse into the general store and offered him some oats. As Sam bent down to get the oats, Roswell came up behind him in a particularly obscene manner, then told Sam that he could pay for the oats by “giving him a ride.” Sam changed the subject by asking “Hey, wasn’t that cat dead?” Roswell informed him that Mr. Nosy had indeed been shot, but had been healed by Brigham Young. Already creeped out by the undead cat, Sam quickly cut out when Roswell asked it “What’s that, Mr. Nosy? You can smell his brains?”

Brigham Young’s daughter Shirlene was cleaning up at Jed’s Saloon (having been left in charge while Constance was away), while Red Clay explained about the plans for his tribe to take over the city. Shirlene poured a couple of drinks…and two hours later, Shirlene got the thoroughly plastered Red Clay to give her the treaty for safekeeping.

Will McGotnuthin, the town schoolteacher, paid a visit to Mayor Hop Hop to request more school supplies, since they only had volume “Z” of the encyclopedia. Hop Hop, however, wanted to keep the white kids ignorant so they wouldn’t think themselves better than Hop Hop’s people. Will suggested a compromise, requesting the “C” volume so the kids could learn about China. He even invited Hop Hop to be a guest speaker, informing him that the Montessori system wouldn’t censor his teaching at all. Hop Hop agreed, and immediately pulled out the “C” encyclopedia. Will then asked Hop Hop for another favor …to make sure Brigham Young stays out of town.

Having fled from a torch-wielding mob, Brigham Young found his way to an old abandoned cotton mine. He was startled to meet grizzled old prospector Jabby Butts, who invited Brigham to join his in his quest for the deepest, rarest cotton that’s ever been mined.

JABBY: “There’s just three conditions. You gotta work hard, you gotta drink whiskey, and there’s a vow of celibacy.”
BRIGHAM: “It’s just you & me down there, right?”

Still rattled by his experience in Roswell’s store, Sam the Horse ran into Will McGotnuthin. As Will talked about his plans for the store, Sam began feeling inadequate due to his own lack of education. Will invited Sam to sit in and audit the classes. Sam confessed that he’d hated Will when they first met, but had warmed up to him. Will observed that he still hadn’t used the chesspiece calling card to summon Sam, despite having had several guns pointed at him during his short time in Little One Point. Sam cautioned Will to save it for when he’s in a REALLY tight spot.

WILL: “I appreciate your confidence in my getting in trouble.”

Red Clay woke up with a terrible hangover, then realized the treaty was missing. (“Red Clay big-time screwed!”)

Shirlene was still cleaning up at the saloon when Roswell Diabolicus entered. Roswell compained that she was supposed to have arrived in town two weeks earlier, but Shirlene soothed his temper by handing him the treaty. They shared a passionate kiss.

Down in the cotton mine, Jabby Butts explained that the mine shaft was only wide enough for one; Brigham will be lowered down on a rope while Jabby holds it secure. They tested the depth of the supposedly bottomless pit by dropping in a rock. Hearing a splash, Jabby realized they’d stumbled onto the legendary water cotton, a substance nobody had ever actually seen.

JABBY: “Water cotton! Rarer than gold, shinier than Heaven, smoother than silk…I’m just guessing here.”

They prepared to lower Brigham down the shaft, when something snapped.

Mayor Hop Hop held a meeting of his cabinet: himself, Roswell Diabolicus, and Sam the Horse (his newly-appointed groundskeeper). Hop Hop kept on mouthing off to Roswell until he finally noticed that Roswell was pointing a gun at him. With no way to save himself, Hop Hop rubbed the chesspiece to summon Sam’s help. Sam rushed to the rescue, kicking Roswell into unconsciousness. By using the chesspiece, Hop Hop had used up his favor, but they agreed it was well worth it. Hop Hop rewarded Sam by appointing him the new sheriff. Coming to, Roswell revealed that he had the treaty, and thus now owned the town. Unimpressed, Sam arrested Roswell. Roswell insisted that his authority overruled both Hop Hop’s and Sam’s, and they bickered back and forth for a while until Roswell finally gave in and went to jail.

Will McGotnuthin entered the saloon and met Shirlene. Aghast that a 12-year-old was running a bar, Will invited her to come to school so that she could learn some other occupation. Shirlene confessed that she was distraught because her father, Brigham Young, had run off again. Hearing the name of his hated enemy, Will offered to take her to Roswell Diabolicus so that Roswell could be her new father.

Having both fallen into the abyss, Brigham Young and Jabby Butts were attacked by a giant alligator.

Red Clay did a dance around the campfire to summon the spirits of his ancestors. After he confessed that he had lost the treaty, his ancestors told him that it was in the hands of the man with the “spookum hat,” in the room with bars.

Back in the mineshaft, Jabby Butts had been bitten and mortally wounded by the alligator. Brigham called upon the Lord to help him heal Jabby. Instead, the Lord spoke and explained that He was calling Jabby home so that Brigham may live. As Jabby ascended into Heaven, his limp straightened out and his beard fell off, and he was once again a young, whole man. The Lord told Brigham to remember what Jabby had taught him, but Brigham had no idea what that meant.

In the jail, Roswell Diabolicus tried to persuade Sam to release him by offering him the position of mayor and his own salt mine. Angered by Roswell’s bribe attempts, Sam got right up in Roswell’s face, grabbing the bars in the process. Suddenly, Sam discovered that the bars were now in front of himself, and that Roswell was now free!

TO BE CONTINUED…

Season 5, Episode 3: Oh, So THAT'S Who That Stranger Was

Episode 3: Oh, So THAT’S Who That Stranger Was

Ex-Sheriff Madeline Clementine went to Sam the Horse seeking advice about the loss of her job. As Madeline lamented the town’s descent into lawlessness, Sam proposed using that lawlessness to their advantage by strong-arming Mayor Hop Hop to get their way.

The town schoolteacher, Will McGotnuthin, went into the general store to buy some much-needed paper. Shopkeeper Roswell Diabolicus was too distraught by the near-fatal shooting of his bobcat, Mr. Nosy, to be of much assistance, so Will offered to listen to Roswell’s troubles. Roswell explained that the mysterious stranger who shot Mr. Nosy last week was in fact Nosy’s previous owner, Stinkum. A long time ago, Roswell rescued Nosy from Stinkum’s mistreatment (burning down Stinkum’s home in the process), and Stinkum finally tracked them down last week. When Roswell explained that Nosy was saved by Brigham Young’s miraculous healing powers, Will’s eyes turned cold. Will stated that he had taken an instant dislike to Brigham due to the fact that Brigham pointed a gun at him every time they met…and that he didn’t expect to change his mind about Brigham anytime soon. Suddenly, Roswell remembered that Brigham had left a gift for the new school…a whole ream of paper.

As Constance Snell was cleaning up in the saloon, she was surprised when a pigtailed 12-year-old girl suddenly burst in. After Constance treated the starving waif to some pie, the girl explained that she’d been on the run her whole life because her father was always getting run out of town…usually after touching a sick or injured child. Constance offered to be her new mom.

Hop Hop and Red Clay were going over the paperwork to return Little One Point to the Chipapoo tribe when Red Clay remarked on the long, soft scroll the contract was written on. Hop Hop explained the Chinese invention of toilet paper, and Red Clay was so impressed that he asked Hop Hop to stay on as the town inventor. Getting back to the plans for Little One Point, Red Clay explained that Jed’s Saloon would be converted into a casino. Red Clay asked Hop Hop if he could invent a gambling machine to take the white man’s money, and Hop Hop suggested that they get Roswell Diabolicus to help them with that.

Brigham Young paid a visit to Madeline Clementine, bidding farewell before the inevitable torch-wielding mob runs him out of town for using his freakish healing powers. Madeline urged him to stand his ground, suggesting that he use his powers to heal himself if the torches burn him. Madeline told Brigham that they needed to come up with a solution to the Hop Hop/Red Clay conspiracy.

MADELINE: “For once, violence isn’t the answer.”
BRIGHAM: “Well, I’ll believe THAT when I see it.”

As Constance Snell showed the little girl the sights of Little One Point, they ran into Sam the Horse. The girl introduced herself as Shirlene, and she and Sam hit it off (despite Sam repeatedly calling her “Charlene”).

As Constance had left the saloon unattended, Brigham Young was helping himself to some booze when Will McGotnuthin entered. They immediately went for their weapons. Brigham revealed that he recognized Will from the Wanted posters, but was willing to give him a chance to start anew as a schoolteacher.

BRIGHAM: “But I’m warning you…the first time a child gets a ‘B,’ I’m gonna fill you full of lead.”
WILL: “We don’t HAVE grades in Montessori school!”
BRIGHAM: “Then you might not last too long.”

Red Clay paid a visit to Roswell Diabolicus at Castle Gayskull. Roswell asked Red Clay to help him repay Brigham Young for healing Mr. Nosy, suggesting that they organize a “torch party” for him. Red Clay agreed, since he wanted to treat the townspeople nice before he evicts them. Red Clay explained about how Hop Hop had returned the land to his tribe in exchange for his choice of ten Chipapoo squaws “with mammaries of buffalo.” Pausing only to observe that buffalo are flat-chested, Roswell revealed that he had rigged the election to set up Hop Hop as his pawn. Red Clay suddenly realized that the deal was worthless…but his people were already on their way!

Hop Hop was having a cup of Earl Grey (despite his obvious distaste for the inferior English tea) when Sam the Horse burst in and made a lot of fake fighting noises to make Madeline think he was confronting Hop Hop. Sam explained that Madeline had been the one who got the townspeople to accept him, but despite that debt, he couldn’t bring himself to beat up Hop Hop. Understanding his predicament, Hop Hop invited Sam to kick him in the face to make it look really convincing. Sam did so.

Madeline visited Will McGotnuthin, explaining that she’d been dismissed from her sheriff position and was in need of a job.

MADELINE: “I don’t care for children, but I like talkin’. Can’t that make me a teacher?”
WILL: “Every teacher I ever knew!”

Will confessed that the only subject he really knew anything about was whipping, and that he needed someone as knowledgeable as Madeline to help him run the school.

Sitting at his campfire, Red Clay communed with the spirits of his ancestors. He sheepishly explained that the new treaty wasn’t valid because Hop Hop was only a puppet (at which point he had to explain to them what a puppet was). His ancestors urged him to take back the land by any means necessary, and to put his hand inside the puppet head.

Brigham Young entered Jed’s Saloon and was shocked to find himself face-to-face with his long-lost daughter Shirlene. As Shirlene railed against her father for everything she’d been put through, Brigham explained that he HAD to use his healing gift when it’s needed. Shirlene put her father to the test by shooting herself in the foot. Brigham laid his hands upon her leg and called upon the Lord to heal her, which He did. As the torch party approached, Brigham apologized to Shirlene for having to run out on her once again. Shirlene urged Brigham to stand up to the mob for once, but he ran out anyway.

TO BE CONTINUED…

Season 5, Episode 2: Who Was That Stranger Anyhow?

Episode 2: Who Was That Stranger Anyhow?

Mayor Hop Hop, shopkeeper Roswell Diabolicus, and the town’s new schoolteacher Will McGotnuthin held a ribbon-cutting ceremony to mark the opening of the new school. The ceremony fizzled out when they realized there weren’t any students yet.

In Jed’s Saloon, Brigham Young and Red Clay shared a peace pipe. Taking exception to being called “paleface,” Brigham pointed out that Red Clay’s face was mighty pale itself. Red Clay confessed his secret…he was not a full-blooded Chipapoo brave. Many years ago, a Chipapoo raiding party led an attack on an Italian nunnery, raping and scalping the nuns. Red Clay’s father, Chief Running Gag, fell in love with one of the nuns (despite having scalped her), kept her alive and brought her back to the village. Their child disguised his half-breed complexion by rubbing red clay on himself…hence the name “Red Clay.”

BRIGHAM: “I got a similar story, ’cept there’s no nuns or rapin’ in it.”

Constance Snell was standing on the street corner, drumming up business by offering free sample blowjobs. Sheriff Madeline Clementine tried to discourage Constance from hawking her wares on the street, but Constance explained that she viewed prostitution as a public service, keeping these ornery gunslingers too busy (not to mention too happy) to kill each other. Constance revealed that it was her 19th birthday, and Madeline sang her a birthday song.

Will McGotnuthin and Roswell Diabolicus were going over the lesson plans for the new school, with special attention devoted to the second person plural pronoun “y’all.” Will questioned the wisdom of Roswell keeping a wild bobcat as a pet, but Roswell compared it to what Will planned to do with the “wild” children of Little One Point.

In the mayor’s office, Hop Hop had just signed a bill legalizing prostitution so that Constance could stay in business when Red Clay entered. Recognizing each other as fellow stereotypes, Red Clay and Hop Hop became fast friends. Red Clay explained how his tribe had traded their land for a kazoo, and were then forced to march to Alabama. Hop Hop told Red Clay that it would take more than just the return of the kazoo to get the land back, and Red Clay sweetened the deal by offering Hop Hop his choice of 10 Chipapoo squaws “with mammaries of buffalo, rear end of white-tail deer.” Red Clay pulled out his peace pipe to seal the agreement, and Hop Hop got out some opium.

Engaging in some target practice, Sheriff Madeline Clementine shot a leaf off of a distant tree. Not to be outdone, Brigham Young massacred a passing flock of geese and herd of buffalo. Impressed by his shooting, Madeline told Brigham she was looking for a new deputy. Brigham wished her luck in finding one.

MADELINE: “Brigham Young, you are charmin’ when you’re dense, which is all the time.”

Madeline clarified that she wanted to take on Brigham as her new deputy, and he agreed. As Madeline asked Brigham to control his trigger finger, they noticed a herd of penguins passing by. Madeline joined Brigham in wiping them out.

By the campfire, Red Clay communed with the spirits of his ancestors, informing them of his deal with Hop Hop. His ancestors advised him on how to pay back the white man for their mistreatment…build casinos!

As Constance Snell gave Will McGotnuthin a backrub, she thanked him for his generosity in offering her 50 cents for “love & hot sex.” Taken aback, Will explained that he thought they were only talking about rent for the room. Constance was extremely perplexed, since this was the first time she’d met a man who hadn’t slept with her right away. To alleviate her confusion, Will agreed to get drunk and then have sex with her.

Doing inventory in the general store, Brigham Young told his boss, Roswell Diabolicus, that he’d put those boxes with the skulls in the back. Reminding Brigham that the back was now the new school, Roswell warned him that those boxes were dangerous TNT. As Brigham was a simple man, Roswell had no qualms about explaining his sinister plan to build the Rhode Island-sized cannon, with which he will force people to buy his inventions (the cellular telegraph, the sports utility wagon, etc.). Brigham sheepishly informed Roswell about his new position as deputy, explaining that he didn’t foresee this conflict of interest. Suddenly, a mysterious stranger entered, threatening Roswell. Brigham pulled a gun on him, and the stand-off began…

Hop Hop informed Madeline that Red Clay had reclaimed the land, and was initiating new rules. Madeline was outraged that the Chipapoo had taken back the land they’d been cheated out of fair & square. Asking Hop Hop if he had a green card, Madeline told him that, as a resident alien, he didn’t have the authority to make this agreement. Hop Hop asserted that, as mayor, he DID have the authority to fire her.

Back at the general store, the stand-off was interrupted when Will McGotnuthin entered to buy pencils. Taking advantage of the distraction, the stranger turned his gun on Roswell’s bobcat, Mr. Nosy. As Roswell pleaded, the stranger suddenly shot Mr. Nosy, only to be immediately riddled with bullets by Brigham Young.

Red Clay went to the saloon to inform Constance Snell that his tribe was coming back. He told her that the saloon would have to close because it was build on a sacred Chipapoo burial ground. Constance was outraged by the idea, launching into a semi-coherent lecture on the history of Jed’s Saloon. Suddenly, the spirits of Red Clay’s ancestors interrupted to suggest a compromise…they could convert the saloon into a casino! Constance liked the idea (not to mention being impressed by Red Clay’s talking to ghosts), so she invited Red Clay to the little room upstairs.

Roswell Diabolicus carried the wounded Mr. Nosy back to his home, Castle Gayskull. Brigham Young burst in, explaining that one of the reasons he’d been run out of various towns was that he had a miraculous gift for healing, which caused most people to treat him as a freak. Laying his hands upon Mr. Nosy, Brigham pleaded with God to save this cat which brought an old man such joy. Brigham and Mr. Nosy were bathed in a bright light as the music swelled in the background.

TO BE CONTINUED…

Season 5, Episode 1:Once Upon a Time in the West

Episode 1: Once Upon a Time in the West

Our story begins in the joint mayor’s office/sheriff’s office of Little One Point, where the newly-elected Mayor Hop Hop was not happy about sharing the room with Sheriff Madeline Clementine. Since Hop Hop had no political experience (he hadn’t even run for office, he just woke up one morning and was informed he was mayor), Madeline suggested that he just be a figurehead and let her take care of the administrative work. They talked about Hop Hop’s arduous journey from China to this land of opportunity where dreams come true. Madeline confessed that she saw no chance of her own dreams coming true, since all the menfolk were too afraid of her authority to have any romantic interest in her. Hop Hop consoled her.

The town shopkeeper, Roswell Diabolicus, was doing inventory (assisted by his pet bobcat Mr. Nosy) when his assistant Brigham Young came in late for work. Despite this, Roswell gave Brigham a promotion to manager, explaining that his tardiness was unimportant as long as he was there before the customers, and ready to give Hop Hop his noodle injection. Roswell warned Brigham that this position came with a price, mysteriously explaining that one night, Roswell would tap on his window and call upon him for a favor. Brigham had no problem with that.

Sam the Horse was out grazing when he met the mysterious whip-wielding stranger in black, Will McGotnuthin. As Will explained that he’d been walking all the way from Macon, a passerby stuck a “Wanted” poster on a nearby cactus. Realizing that Will was a fugitive, Sam nevertheless agreed to give Will a ride to Little One Point, as long as Will didn’t try to change their way of life. Will couldn’t make that promise, as his goal was to bring education to the old West. Will tried to explain that the changes he wanted were better than the changes Sam feared.

SAM: “So…if the new change is different from the old change, then…you’d change things exactly the way they are!”

Saloonkeeper/madam Constance Snell was tending bar when Red Clay, the Chipapoo brave, entered. As she poured him a drink, Red Clay explained that he had no money…only the kazoo for which his ancestors had traded this land years before. Sheriff Madeline Clementine arrived and asked about the rumors of a mysterious stranger heading into town. Red Clay replied that he had indeed seen a man who “smelled of far away,” prompting Constance to share an utterly pointless reminiscence about her cousin.

Roswell Diabolicus made a house call to Hop Hop, congratulating him on his election. When they shook hands, Hop Hop got a splinter from Roswell’s wooden index finger (the result of a deal Roswell made with a Mexican). Roswell offered to get Hop Hop his own office if he’ll appoint Roswell to his cabinet. Roswell then sweetened the deal by offering him free noodle injections.

Playing poker with Sam the Horse, Brigham Young presented his hand (two threes, a queen and an ace) with a proud “BOO-YAH!” As Sam collected his winnings, Brigham bragged about his promotion. Brigham then mentioned the mysterious packages that had been arriving at the store, marked with faces with X’s where the eyes should be.

Constance Snell wondered why everyone thinks everything she says is something dirty. Then she announced “I have a fantastic vagina,” and broke out into a song about it.

Being a hands-on kind of mayor, Hop Hop was manning the Welcome Center, telling the mysterious visitor about all of Little One Point’s attractions (including Constance’s fantastic vagina).

WILL: “Is there a point in this conversation where you shut up?”
HOP HOP: “Well…no.”

A young woman strolled by and nailed up another Wanted poster, but Hop Hop was too busy looking up her skirt to pay attention to the poster. Will McGotnuthin explained that he’d noticed the town needed a schoolteacher, and offered to fill that void. Hop Hop had him write out an application on the back of the Wanted poster, then asked Will about his policies. Will explained that he would let the children fend for themselves when it came to lunch, and that he would use his whip to maintain the pace of learning. Hearing this, Sam the Horse called Will over and advised him to rethink his policies. Sam gave Will his calling card…a chess piece.

Over in his Gothic manor, Castle Gayskull, Roswell Diabolicus opened his packages of TNT. Roswell gloated over his plan to build a cannon the size of Rhode Island, capable of blowing a Rhode Island-sized hole in the country. Asking Mr. Nosy for advice, Roswell decided to persuade Hop Hop to bring in more Chinese “railroad workers”…who will unwittingly build the Rhode Island Cannon for him!

Sitting by the campfire, Red Clay realized he’d forgotten his peace pipe, so he started smoking the kazoo instead. He called upon the spirits of his ancestors, who told him to find the Chief of the town by looking for a terrible stereotype. Red Clay realized they meant Hop Hop (the only terrible stereotype he knew besides himself).

Will McGotnuthin arrived at Constance’s saloon, looking for a room to stay. Thinking he was asking for more than just a room, Constance led him upstairs.

As Sheriff Madeline Clementine assembled a posse, Sam the Horse lectured the other horses for passively participating in their own subjugation. Suddenly, the old coot Gabby rushed in, shouting “I seen ’im!” Gabby collapsed and died, as Brigham Young attempted CPR. Noticing a familiar white substance on Gabby’s shoes, Sam realized that their quarry was at the saloon.

Having found one of Roswell’s packages lying in the road, Red Clay brought it in to the general store. As Roswell sat down in a precarious and vaguely objectionable pose, he offered to help Red Clay reclaim his tribal land if Red Clay would keep an eye on Will McGotnuthin. Red Clay was reluctant to make a deal with the white man, so Roswell offered him booze.

As Constance led Will to the bed, the posse burst in. As Madeline confronted Will, Hop Hop recognized that this “mysterious stranger” was the town’s new schoolteacher. Madeline changed her tune and welcomed the stranger, a perplexed Brigham Young reminded everybody about Gabby’s death. Hop Hop dismissed his concerns by pointing out that Gabby dies all the time, and had been suffering a case of the sniffles. The rest of the group persuaded Brigham to convert the back of the store into a classroom. Brigham agreed, but was still puzzled by one thing:

BRIGHAM: “How does the sniffles make a bullet hole appear?”

TO BE CONTINUED…