Episode 11: The Justal System
Constance was in jail for shooting Kitty Bumper (which she did between episodes). When Hop Hop came in to bring holiday greetings to the prisoners, Constance asked him to help her get Abraham Lincoln as her lawyer (even though he was a witness to the shooting). Hop Hop told her he’d see what he could do, then gave her a Christmas gift: a lady’s flask full of liquor.
Sheriff Madeline Clementine was doing her holiday shopping at the general store when she ran into Red Clay. Red Clay explained that he was trying the white man tradition of buying gifts for his special someone, Brigham Young…who used to be Madeline’s special someone. Red Clay explained that it was the will of his ancestors to “let love of Brigham Young blossom.” Madeline argued that they could have meant Brigham’s love for her. She apologized for her father stealing his people’s land, but pointed out that now Red Clay had stolen her last chance for happiness.
Abraham Lincoln and Fantastic Sam were drinking at the bar. When Lincoln asked Sam about his new bipedal stance, Sam explained that he was never really a horse, but had just been in disguise. Lincoln informed Sam that he couldn’t continue the case because Sam had lied to him. Sam understood that, and was prepared to face the consequences of his deception. In admiration of Sam’s courage, Lincoln took the case again.
Brigham Young was out skipping stones when the spirit of Jabby Butts appeared, sent by God to clarify Brigham’s mission. God’s message wasn’t “Mormon,” but “More Man”…Brigham’s mission was to lead the Mormons by procreating, producing more men.
BRIGHAM: “I wake up thinking ‘more man,’ too, but that’s just the relationship I’m in.”
Jabby explained that Brigham couldn’t reproduce with another man, but must use the sacred vessel of a woman’s womb. (Jabby’s vocabulary had improved since he went to Heaven.)
Going around singing carols, Hop Hop visited Red Clay’s campfire. They discussed Red Clay’s change of wardrobe (abandoning white man pants and wearing only his Chipapoo loincloth), then started talking about the white man’s holiday traditions. Red Clay showed Hop Hop the Christmas stocking he had bought for Brigham, tied around Red Clay’s waist and hanging over his Johnson.
The spirit of Jabby Butts appeared to Constance Snell in her cell, explaining that he had come to save her from a life of sin. However, since prostitution had brought her friends and a good livelihood, and her “clean-living” past only brought her misery, he didn’t have much luck convincing her.
Fantastic Sam paid a visit to Madeline for assistance in his legal battle against Roswell Diabolicus, since he’d found Lincoln to be indecisive and inarticulate. Sam tried to win her over by bringing gifts based on her offhand remarks, though he stopped short when she called him “a diamond in the rough.”
Brigham Young explained his dilemma to Lincoln: “Apparently, I have to choose between the man that I love and the God that I obey. And whether I wear pants or not.” After some discussion, Brigham chose Red Clay and no pants.
As Madeline slept, the spirit of Jabby Butts visited her in the form of her father’s horse, Colta. Jabby/Colta informed her that she would play a vital part in the future of the nation…she must arrest Red Clay so that Brigham can fulfill his destiny. Jabby/Colta upped the pressure on Madeline by telling her it was her father’s last wish.
Red Clay was dancing around the campfire when his ancestors spoke to him. Red Clay explained that he was torn between the life of a warrior and his un-warrior-like love of a man. The one ancestor who knew this conflict urged him to follow the path that brings him happiness.
As Hop Hop and Fantastic Sam practiced Christmas carols, Hop Hop asked Sam if he’d had any religion when he was a horse. Sam explained that he had enough trouble understanding mankind to deal with the concept of a higher power. Sam also confided that he had great fear and anxiety about mortality…not so much in his own death, but in being left behind by others.
HOP HOP: “You were wise as a horse, but were never wiser than you are now as a man.”
Abraham Lincoln visited Constance Snell in the jail. Although the door was open, Constance remained in her cell, obsessively washing the gunpowder from her hands. Lincoln explained that she was a prisoner of her own heart, then asked her “Is what you’ve done truly wrong under the Constitution and the US justal system?” After much deliberation, Constance decided that her actions were justified. Lincoln declared her to be free.
Red Clay was talking to the Great Cactus Spirit when Brigham Young arrived…wearing no shirt under his vest and no pants under his chaps. Red Clay gave Brigham his stocking, and Brigham gave Red Clay a new hand-carved kazoo to replace the one which represented Chipapoo strife. God spoke out and announced that He was so disappointed with Brigham that He was closing His doors to him. As Brigham pondered what this meant, the mood was quickly brightened up by the arrival of the caroling townspeople. Everybody in Little One Point was united in holiday cheer and brotherhood. Then Madeline arrested both Brigham and Red Clay for public indecency.
TO BE CONTINUED…
Showing posts with label jabby. Show all posts
Showing posts with label jabby. Show all posts
Sunday, December 7, 2008
Sunday, November 30, 2008
Season 5, Episode 4: Sixteen Tons of Cotton
Episode 4: Sixteen Tons of Cotton
Roswell Diabolicus invited Sam the Horse into the general store and offered him some oats. As Sam bent down to get the oats, Roswell came up behind him in a particularly obscene manner, then told Sam that he could pay for the oats by “giving him a ride.” Sam changed the subject by asking “Hey, wasn’t that cat dead?” Roswell informed him that Mr. Nosy had indeed been shot, but had been healed by Brigham Young. Already creeped out by the undead cat, Sam quickly cut out when Roswell asked it “What’s that, Mr. Nosy? You can smell his brains?”
Brigham Young’s daughter Shirlene was cleaning up at Jed’s Saloon (having been left in charge while Constance was away), while Red Clay explained about the plans for his tribe to take over the city. Shirlene poured a couple of drinks…and two hours later, Shirlene got the thoroughly plastered Red Clay to give her the treaty for safekeeping.
Will McGotnuthin, the town schoolteacher, paid a visit to Mayor Hop Hop to request more school supplies, since they only had volume “Z” of the encyclopedia. Hop Hop, however, wanted to keep the white kids ignorant so they wouldn’t think themselves better than Hop Hop’s people. Will suggested a compromise, requesting the “C” volume so the kids could learn about China. He even invited Hop Hop to be a guest speaker, informing him that the Montessori system wouldn’t censor his teaching at all. Hop Hop agreed, and immediately pulled out the “C” encyclopedia. Will then asked Hop Hop for another favor …to make sure Brigham Young stays out of town.
Having fled from a torch-wielding mob, Brigham Young found his way to an old abandoned cotton mine. He was startled to meet grizzled old prospector Jabby Butts, who invited Brigham to join his in his quest for the deepest, rarest cotton that’s ever been mined.
JABBY: “There’s just three conditions. You gotta work hard, you gotta drink whiskey, and there’s a vow of celibacy.”
BRIGHAM: “It’s just you & me down there, right?”
Still rattled by his experience in Roswell’s store, Sam the Horse ran into Will McGotnuthin. As Will talked about his plans for the store, Sam began feeling inadequate due to his own lack of education. Will invited Sam to sit in and audit the classes. Sam confessed that he’d hated Will when they first met, but had warmed up to him. Will observed that he still hadn’t used the chesspiece calling card to summon Sam, despite having had several guns pointed at him during his short time in Little One Point. Sam cautioned Will to save it for when he’s in a REALLY tight spot.
WILL: “I appreciate your confidence in my getting in trouble.”
Red Clay woke up with a terrible hangover, then realized the treaty was missing. (“Red Clay big-time screwed!”)
Shirlene was still cleaning up at the saloon when Roswell Diabolicus entered. Roswell compained that she was supposed to have arrived in town two weeks earlier, but Shirlene soothed his temper by handing him the treaty. They shared a passionate kiss.
Down in the cotton mine, Jabby Butts explained that the mine shaft was only wide enough for one; Brigham will be lowered down on a rope while Jabby holds it secure. They tested the depth of the supposedly bottomless pit by dropping in a rock. Hearing a splash, Jabby realized they’d stumbled onto the legendary water cotton, a substance nobody had ever actually seen.
JABBY: “Water cotton! Rarer than gold, shinier than Heaven, smoother than silk…I’m just guessing here.”
They prepared to lower Brigham down the shaft, when something snapped.
Mayor Hop Hop held a meeting of his cabinet: himself, Roswell Diabolicus, and Sam the Horse (his newly-appointed groundskeeper). Hop Hop kept on mouthing off to Roswell until he finally noticed that Roswell was pointing a gun at him. With no way to save himself, Hop Hop rubbed the chesspiece to summon Sam’s help. Sam rushed to the rescue, kicking Roswell into unconsciousness. By using the chesspiece, Hop Hop had used up his favor, but they agreed it was well worth it. Hop Hop rewarded Sam by appointing him the new sheriff. Coming to, Roswell revealed that he had the treaty, and thus now owned the town. Unimpressed, Sam arrested Roswell. Roswell insisted that his authority overruled both Hop Hop’s and Sam’s, and they bickered back and forth for a while until Roswell finally gave in and went to jail.
Will McGotnuthin entered the saloon and met Shirlene. Aghast that a 12-year-old was running a bar, Will invited her to come to school so that she could learn some other occupation. Shirlene confessed that she was distraught because her father, Brigham Young, had run off again. Hearing the name of his hated enemy, Will offered to take her to Roswell Diabolicus so that Roswell could be her new father.
Having both fallen into the abyss, Brigham Young and Jabby Butts were attacked by a giant alligator.
Red Clay did a dance around the campfire to summon the spirits of his ancestors. After he confessed that he had lost the treaty, his ancestors told him that it was in the hands of the man with the “spookum hat,” in the room with bars.
Back in the mineshaft, Jabby Butts had been bitten and mortally wounded by the alligator. Brigham called upon the Lord to help him heal Jabby. Instead, the Lord spoke and explained that He was calling Jabby home so that Brigham may live. As Jabby ascended into Heaven, his limp straightened out and his beard fell off, and he was once again a young, whole man. The Lord told Brigham to remember what Jabby had taught him, but Brigham had no idea what that meant.
In the jail, Roswell Diabolicus tried to persuade Sam to release him by offering him the position of mayor and his own salt mine. Angered by Roswell’s bribe attempts, Sam got right up in Roswell’s face, grabbing the bars in the process. Suddenly, Sam discovered that the bars were now in front of himself, and that Roswell was now free!
TO BE CONTINUED…
Roswell Diabolicus invited Sam the Horse into the general store and offered him some oats. As Sam bent down to get the oats, Roswell came up behind him in a particularly obscene manner, then told Sam that he could pay for the oats by “giving him a ride.” Sam changed the subject by asking “Hey, wasn’t that cat dead?” Roswell informed him that Mr. Nosy had indeed been shot, but had been healed by Brigham Young. Already creeped out by the undead cat, Sam quickly cut out when Roswell asked it “What’s that, Mr. Nosy? You can smell his brains?”
Brigham Young’s daughter Shirlene was cleaning up at Jed’s Saloon (having been left in charge while Constance was away), while Red Clay explained about the plans for his tribe to take over the city. Shirlene poured a couple of drinks…and two hours later, Shirlene got the thoroughly plastered Red Clay to give her the treaty for safekeeping.
Will McGotnuthin, the town schoolteacher, paid a visit to Mayor Hop Hop to request more school supplies, since they only had volume “Z” of the encyclopedia. Hop Hop, however, wanted to keep the white kids ignorant so they wouldn’t think themselves better than Hop Hop’s people. Will suggested a compromise, requesting the “C” volume so the kids could learn about China. He even invited Hop Hop to be a guest speaker, informing him that the Montessori system wouldn’t censor his teaching at all. Hop Hop agreed, and immediately pulled out the “C” encyclopedia. Will then asked Hop Hop for another favor …to make sure Brigham Young stays out of town.
Having fled from a torch-wielding mob, Brigham Young found his way to an old abandoned cotton mine. He was startled to meet grizzled old prospector Jabby Butts, who invited Brigham to join his in his quest for the deepest, rarest cotton that’s ever been mined.
JABBY: “There’s just three conditions. You gotta work hard, you gotta drink whiskey, and there’s a vow of celibacy.”
BRIGHAM: “It’s just you & me down there, right?”
Still rattled by his experience in Roswell’s store, Sam the Horse ran into Will McGotnuthin. As Will talked about his plans for the store, Sam began feeling inadequate due to his own lack of education. Will invited Sam to sit in and audit the classes. Sam confessed that he’d hated Will when they first met, but had warmed up to him. Will observed that he still hadn’t used the chesspiece calling card to summon Sam, despite having had several guns pointed at him during his short time in Little One Point. Sam cautioned Will to save it for when he’s in a REALLY tight spot.
WILL: “I appreciate your confidence in my getting in trouble.”
Red Clay woke up with a terrible hangover, then realized the treaty was missing. (“Red Clay big-time screwed!”)
Shirlene was still cleaning up at the saloon when Roswell Diabolicus entered. Roswell compained that she was supposed to have arrived in town two weeks earlier, but Shirlene soothed his temper by handing him the treaty. They shared a passionate kiss.
Down in the cotton mine, Jabby Butts explained that the mine shaft was only wide enough for one; Brigham will be lowered down on a rope while Jabby holds it secure. They tested the depth of the supposedly bottomless pit by dropping in a rock. Hearing a splash, Jabby realized they’d stumbled onto the legendary water cotton, a substance nobody had ever actually seen.
JABBY: “Water cotton! Rarer than gold, shinier than Heaven, smoother than silk…I’m just guessing here.”
They prepared to lower Brigham down the shaft, when something snapped.
Mayor Hop Hop held a meeting of his cabinet: himself, Roswell Diabolicus, and Sam the Horse (his newly-appointed groundskeeper). Hop Hop kept on mouthing off to Roswell until he finally noticed that Roswell was pointing a gun at him. With no way to save himself, Hop Hop rubbed the chesspiece to summon Sam’s help. Sam rushed to the rescue, kicking Roswell into unconsciousness. By using the chesspiece, Hop Hop had used up his favor, but they agreed it was well worth it. Hop Hop rewarded Sam by appointing him the new sheriff. Coming to, Roswell revealed that he had the treaty, and thus now owned the town. Unimpressed, Sam arrested Roswell. Roswell insisted that his authority overruled both Hop Hop’s and Sam’s, and they bickered back and forth for a while until Roswell finally gave in and went to jail.
Will McGotnuthin entered the saloon and met Shirlene. Aghast that a 12-year-old was running a bar, Will invited her to come to school so that she could learn some other occupation. Shirlene confessed that she was distraught because her father, Brigham Young, had run off again. Hearing the name of his hated enemy, Will offered to take her to Roswell Diabolicus so that Roswell could be her new father.
Having both fallen into the abyss, Brigham Young and Jabby Butts were attacked by a giant alligator.
Red Clay did a dance around the campfire to summon the spirits of his ancestors. After he confessed that he had lost the treaty, his ancestors told him that it was in the hands of the man with the “spookum hat,” in the room with bars.
Back in the mineshaft, Jabby Butts had been bitten and mortally wounded by the alligator. Brigham called upon the Lord to help him heal Jabby. Instead, the Lord spoke and explained that He was calling Jabby home so that Brigham may live. As Jabby ascended into Heaven, his limp straightened out and his beard fell off, and he was once again a young, whole man. The Lord told Brigham to remember what Jabby had taught him, but Brigham had no idea what that meant.
In the jail, Roswell Diabolicus tried to persuade Sam to release him by offering him the position of mayor and his own salt mine. Angered by Roswell’s bribe attempts, Sam got right up in Roswell’s face, grabbing the bars in the process. Suddenly, Sam discovered that the bars were now in front of himself, and that Roswell was now free!
TO BE CONTINUED…
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