Episode 13: Sockdologizing Old Mantrap
Will McGotnuthin pled with Hop Hop to give him back his teaching position. Hop Hop agreed, even though Will had never actually LOST his job.
HOP HOP: “I don’t remember firing you…I remember kicking your ass!”
WILL: “I interpreted that as firing.”
Now that that was cleared up, Hop Hop asked Will to star in Hop Hop’s new play, “Our Chinese Cousin,” the story of an emperor who changes places with his identical cousin in order to experience common life. As soon as Hop Hop offered him the part, Will had a flashback to his days with his sisters’ criminal Shakespeare troupe.
In the jail, Red Clay gave Brigham Young some flowers he’d picked through the window. Brigham was torn with guilt over the plagues God was sending over their forbidden love, but Red Clay didn’t care. They decided to escape and leave Little One Point together.
Since Fantastic Sam’s barbershop burned down, Constance came to Sam’s house to trim her braid. Afterwards, Constance remarked that she couldn’t pay him with money. Sam wasn’t concerned, since he’d gotten $61 from his insurance. Constance explained that she’d been offering to pay him another way, reminding him of their times together when she thought he was a horse.
Abraham Lincoln visited Roswell Diabolicus, explaining that he’d had to drop Sam’s lawsuit against Roswell when he learned that Sam was lying about being a horse. However, Lincoln was bringing a new case against him on general principles (not to mention the fact that Roswell abandoned Lincoln after fathering him).
Sheriff Madeline Clementine was strolling along when Hop Hop arrived and offered her a part in “Our Chinese Cousin.” She would be playing the palace courtesan who finds true love with the substitute emperor. Madeline was intrigued with the idea of playing someone so unlike herself, and started improvising some dialogue. The rehearsal was overheard by a mysterious stranger, who introduced himself as the French fur trapper Trapper Jean.
Having snuck out of his cell once again, Brigham Young visited Will McGotnuthin at the general store. Brigham asked Will to help break Red Clay out of jail too, but Will was upset that Brigham didn’t follow through with taking revenge on Roswell Diabolicus after last week’s jailbreak. Brigham promised Will that if he helped Red Clay escape, the two of them would leave Little One Point and never return. Will accepted the offer.
Fantastic Sam was strolling down 2nd Avenue, reveling in his new wealth and pimpin’ threads. Sam explained to a puzzled Abraham Lincoln that he’d found a loophole in the law, and was insuring things that weren’t even his. Deeply disappointed by his former client’s behavior, Lincoln told Sam that they couldn’t be friends anymore. Lincoln then served Sam with a subpoena for insurance fraud.
Constance was tending bar when Trapper Jean entered. She poured him a drink of her new invention, Constance Cola. Jean was impressed (“Zut alors! Zat is, how you say, tasty fucking beverage!”), but could see that she was troubled. Constance explained that she wrote to her family to share the good news of her success, but they wrote back calling her a whore. Jean sympathized with her plight.
TRAPPER JEAN: “Ah, ma cherie…if ravens had not eaten my tear ducts, I would cry.”
Hop Hop paid a visit to Roswell Diabolicus, inviting him to produce the play. Roswell agreed, if Hop Hop would help him with a project of his own. Roswell explained that the plagues were God’s punishment on homosexuality, and he’d devised a plan to put all the gays in one place so the rest of the town would be safe. Showing Hop Hop a map, Roswell pointed out an area shaped like a buck’s head, and proposed sending all the gays there. Hop Hop suggested they instead put all the gays in the middle of the city…mid-town, as it were.
Madeline visited Red Clay’s cell to see whether Red Clay was willing to leave Brigham to her in exchange for his freedom. Before Red Clay could answer, Brigham snuck back into his cell and found himself face to face with Madeline. Madeline pled with Brigham to take things back to the way they were before Brigham left her for Red Clay. However, Brigham stood by his love for Red Clay. Heartbroken, Madeline opened their cells and told the two of them to leave.
Fantastic Sam and Constance were rehearsing a scene from “Our Chinese Cousin,” with Hop Hop directing and Lincoln watching from a balcony seat. Lincoln kept disrupting the rehearsal with his constant side-coaching, until Hop Hop yelled at him to leave the directing to him. As Sam and Constance rehearsed their scene, Trapper Jean quietly snuck up behind Lincoln and shot him in the head. As everyone reacted in shock, the assassin revealed his full name…Trapper Jean Wilkes Booth!
TO BE CONTINUED…
Showing posts with label lincoln. Show all posts
Showing posts with label lincoln. Show all posts
Tuesday, December 9, 2008
Sunday, December 7, 2008
Season 5, Episode 11: The Justal System
Episode 11: The Justal System
Constance was in jail for shooting Kitty Bumper (which she did between episodes). When Hop Hop came in to bring holiday greetings to the prisoners, Constance asked him to help her get Abraham Lincoln as her lawyer (even though he was a witness to the shooting). Hop Hop told her he’d see what he could do, then gave her a Christmas gift: a lady’s flask full of liquor.
Sheriff Madeline Clementine was doing her holiday shopping at the general store when she ran into Red Clay. Red Clay explained that he was trying the white man tradition of buying gifts for his special someone, Brigham Young…who used to be Madeline’s special someone. Red Clay explained that it was the will of his ancestors to “let love of Brigham Young blossom.” Madeline argued that they could have meant Brigham’s love for her. She apologized for her father stealing his people’s land, but pointed out that now Red Clay had stolen her last chance for happiness.
Abraham Lincoln and Fantastic Sam were drinking at the bar. When Lincoln asked Sam about his new bipedal stance, Sam explained that he was never really a horse, but had just been in disguise. Lincoln informed Sam that he couldn’t continue the case because Sam had lied to him. Sam understood that, and was prepared to face the consequences of his deception. In admiration of Sam’s courage, Lincoln took the case again.
Brigham Young was out skipping stones when the spirit of Jabby Butts appeared, sent by God to clarify Brigham’s mission. God’s message wasn’t “Mormon,” but “More Man”…Brigham’s mission was to lead the Mormons by procreating, producing more men.
BRIGHAM: “I wake up thinking ‘more man,’ too, but that’s just the relationship I’m in.”
Jabby explained that Brigham couldn’t reproduce with another man, but must use the sacred vessel of a woman’s womb. (Jabby’s vocabulary had improved since he went to Heaven.)
Going around singing carols, Hop Hop visited Red Clay’s campfire. They discussed Red Clay’s change of wardrobe (abandoning white man pants and wearing only his Chipapoo loincloth), then started talking about the white man’s holiday traditions. Red Clay showed Hop Hop the Christmas stocking he had bought for Brigham, tied around Red Clay’s waist and hanging over his Johnson.
The spirit of Jabby Butts appeared to Constance Snell in her cell, explaining that he had come to save her from a life of sin. However, since prostitution had brought her friends and a good livelihood, and her “clean-living” past only brought her misery, he didn’t have much luck convincing her.
Fantastic Sam paid a visit to Madeline for assistance in his legal battle against Roswell Diabolicus, since he’d found Lincoln to be indecisive and inarticulate. Sam tried to win her over by bringing gifts based on her offhand remarks, though he stopped short when she called him “a diamond in the rough.”
Brigham Young explained his dilemma to Lincoln: “Apparently, I have to choose between the man that I love and the God that I obey. And whether I wear pants or not.” After some discussion, Brigham chose Red Clay and no pants.
As Madeline slept, the spirit of Jabby Butts visited her in the form of her father’s horse, Colta. Jabby/Colta informed her that she would play a vital part in the future of the nation…she must arrest Red Clay so that Brigham can fulfill his destiny. Jabby/Colta upped the pressure on Madeline by telling her it was her father’s last wish.
Red Clay was dancing around the campfire when his ancestors spoke to him. Red Clay explained that he was torn between the life of a warrior and his un-warrior-like love of a man. The one ancestor who knew this conflict urged him to follow the path that brings him happiness.
As Hop Hop and Fantastic Sam practiced Christmas carols, Hop Hop asked Sam if he’d had any religion when he was a horse. Sam explained that he had enough trouble understanding mankind to deal with the concept of a higher power. Sam also confided that he had great fear and anxiety about mortality…not so much in his own death, but in being left behind by others.
HOP HOP: “You were wise as a horse, but were never wiser than you are now as a man.”
Abraham Lincoln visited Constance Snell in the jail. Although the door was open, Constance remained in her cell, obsessively washing the gunpowder from her hands. Lincoln explained that she was a prisoner of her own heart, then asked her “Is what you’ve done truly wrong under the Constitution and the US justal system?” After much deliberation, Constance decided that her actions were justified. Lincoln declared her to be free.
Red Clay was talking to the Great Cactus Spirit when Brigham Young arrived…wearing no shirt under his vest and no pants under his chaps. Red Clay gave Brigham his stocking, and Brigham gave Red Clay a new hand-carved kazoo to replace the one which represented Chipapoo strife. God spoke out and announced that He was so disappointed with Brigham that He was closing His doors to him. As Brigham pondered what this meant, the mood was quickly brightened up by the arrival of the caroling townspeople. Everybody in Little One Point was united in holiday cheer and brotherhood. Then Madeline arrested both Brigham and Red Clay for public indecency.
TO BE CONTINUED…
Constance was in jail for shooting Kitty Bumper (which she did between episodes). When Hop Hop came in to bring holiday greetings to the prisoners, Constance asked him to help her get Abraham Lincoln as her lawyer (even though he was a witness to the shooting). Hop Hop told her he’d see what he could do, then gave her a Christmas gift: a lady’s flask full of liquor.
Sheriff Madeline Clementine was doing her holiday shopping at the general store when she ran into Red Clay. Red Clay explained that he was trying the white man tradition of buying gifts for his special someone, Brigham Young…who used to be Madeline’s special someone. Red Clay explained that it was the will of his ancestors to “let love of Brigham Young blossom.” Madeline argued that they could have meant Brigham’s love for her. She apologized for her father stealing his people’s land, but pointed out that now Red Clay had stolen her last chance for happiness.
Abraham Lincoln and Fantastic Sam were drinking at the bar. When Lincoln asked Sam about his new bipedal stance, Sam explained that he was never really a horse, but had just been in disguise. Lincoln informed Sam that he couldn’t continue the case because Sam had lied to him. Sam understood that, and was prepared to face the consequences of his deception. In admiration of Sam’s courage, Lincoln took the case again.
Brigham Young was out skipping stones when the spirit of Jabby Butts appeared, sent by God to clarify Brigham’s mission. God’s message wasn’t “Mormon,” but “More Man”…Brigham’s mission was to lead the Mormons by procreating, producing more men.
BRIGHAM: “I wake up thinking ‘more man,’ too, but that’s just the relationship I’m in.”
Jabby explained that Brigham couldn’t reproduce with another man, but must use the sacred vessel of a woman’s womb. (Jabby’s vocabulary had improved since he went to Heaven.)
Going around singing carols, Hop Hop visited Red Clay’s campfire. They discussed Red Clay’s change of wardrobe (abandoning white man pants and wearing only his Chipapoo loincloth), then started talking about the white man’s holiday traditions. Red Clay showed Hop Hop the Christmas stocking he had bought for Brigham, tied around Red Clay’s waist and hanging over his Johnson.
The spirit of Jabby Butts appeared to Constance Snell in her cell, explaining that he had come to save her from a life of sin. However, since prostitution had brought her friends and a good livelihood, and her “clean-living” past only brought her misery, he didn’t have much luck convincing her.
Fantastic Sam paid a visit to Madeline for assistance in his legal battle against Roswell Diabolicus, since he’d found Lincoln to be indecisive and inarticulate. Sam tried to win her over by bringing gifts based on her offhand remarks, though he stopped short when she called him “a diamond in the rough.”
Brigham Young explained his dilemma to Lincoln: “Apparently, I have to choose between the man that I love and the God that I obey. And whether I wear pants or not.” After some discussion, Brigham chose Red Clay and no pants.
As Madeline slept, the spirit of Jabby Butts visited her in the form of her father’s horse, Colta. Jabby/Colta informed her that she would play a vital part in the future of the nation…she must arrest Red Clay so that Brigham can fulfill his destiny. Jabby/Colta upped the pressure on Madeline by telling her it was her father’s last wish.
Red Clay was dancing around the campfire when his ancestors spoke to him. Red Clay explained that he was torn between the life of a warrior and his un-warrior-like love of a man. The one ancestor who knew this conflict urged him to follow the path that brings him happiness.
As Hop Hop and Fantastic Sam practiced Christmas carols, Hop Hop asked Sam if he’d had any religion when he was a horse. Sam explained that he had enough trouble understanding mankind to deal with the concept of a higher power. Sam also confided that he had great fear and anxiety about mortality…not so much in his own death, but in being left behind by others.
HOP HOP: “You were wise as a horse, but were never wiser than you are now as a man.”
Abraham Lincoln visited Constance Snell in the jail. Although the door was open, Constance remained in her cell, obsessively washing the gunpowder from her hands. Lincoln explained that she was a prisoner of her own heart, then asked her “Is what you’ve done truly wrong under the Constitution and the US justal system?” After much deliberation, Constance decided that her actions were justified. Lincoln declared her to be free.
Red Clay was talking to the Great Cactus Spirit when Brigham Young arrived…wearing no shirt under his vest and no pants under his chaps. Red Clay gave Brigham his stocking, and Brigham gave Red Clay a new hand-carved kazoo to replace the one which represented Chipapoo strife. God spoke out and announced that He was so disappointed with Brigham that He was closing His doors to him. As Brigham pondered what this meant, the mood was quickly brightened up by the arrival of the caroling townspeople. Everybody in Little One Point was united in holiday cheer and brotherhood. Then Madeline arrested both Brigham and Red Clay for public indecency.
TO BE CONTINUED…
Saturday, December 6, 2008
Season 5, Episode 10: Bumper Carnage
Episode 10: Bumper Carnage
Having abandoned his horse disguise, Sam paid a visit to Abraham Lincoln (who couldn’t quite put his finger on what was different about Sam). Sam explained that he had turned his back on his father, Roswell Diabolicus, and was going straight by opening a barber shop (“Fantastic Sam’s”). Lincoln revealed that Roswell was his biological father, though he was raised by a man named Mabel Schminken. Sam recognized the name as that of Will McGotnuthin’s arch-nemesis (even though they called him “Hasem Minken” in Episode 8).
A drunken Will McGotnuthin was teaching to an empty classroom at 2 AM when Sheriff Madeline Clementine arrived to investigate the disturbance. Discovering that Will had fallen prey to the “sugary sweetness & alcohol goodness” of Roswell Diabolicus’ wine coolers, Madeline offered to help him straighten himself out. Will interpreted her offer as a flirtation, then confessed that, ever since he’d been separated from his sisters, he’d forgotten how to act around women. In the course of their conversation, Madeline dropped her handkerchief. As she picked it up, Will realized that he should have retrieved it for her. He asked her to drop it again so he could do so.
Hop Hop discovered Red Clay preparing a Chipapoo mating ritual. When Hop Hop asked who Red Clay’s “special someone” was, Red Clay replied that it was Brigham Young. Red Clay explained that his ancestors had told him to “let love of Brigham Young blossom”…so he did. At Hop Hop’s insistence, Red Clay sang of his love for Brigham (with the help of wandering troubadour Slim Talley).
Constance Snell was tending bar when itinerant prostitute Kitty Bumper strode in looking for work. Abraham Lincoln came in and samples some of Constance’s fudge, while Constance and Kitty went to the other side of the room for a private talk. When Kitty asked about Constance’s price structure, Constance admitted that she didn’t have a set price list, but just accepted whatever her customers gave her. Impressed by Kitty’s businesslike manner, Constance asked her advice on whoring.
Brigham Young was skipping stones by the lake, pouring out his heart to a cactus about his kiss with Red Clay.
BRIGHAM: “Loving him is like pooping on a skillet…It’s hard, but it’s worth the effort.”
Fantastic Sam walked by, but Brigham didn’t recognize him out of the horse costume. Once Sam explained who he was, Brigham began wondering whether the cactus was also a person in disguise. He tested this theory by kicking it over.
SAM: “I think you just kicked the shit out of a talking cactus.”
BRIGHAM: “Well, I feel dumb.”
Brigham told Sam that he was conflicted between his love for Red Clay (though he didn’t mention him by name) and God’s calling him to lead the Mormons to Iowa (“That, and the fact that I don’t know who the Mormons are or where Iowa is.”). Sam advised him to go to Iowa and THEN find a woman there who reminds him of his “special someone.”
Later, Red Clay visited Brigham at home. After some awkward small talk, God spoke to Brigham and asked what the hold-up was on the mission. After Brigham explained that he didn’t know where to go, Red Clay’s ancestral spirits told Red Clay to lead Brigham to Iowa. Brigham thanked God for being so much more vague and cryptic than the Chipapoo spirits.
Hop Hop went to Jed’s Saloon for a tryst with Constance, but was surprised to meet Kitty Bumper instead. Nonplussed, he got down to business with the new hooker. Afterwards, Kitty started pumping him for information about Red Clay. Her curiosity was piqued when Hop Hop said that Red Clay owned the whole town, but she immediately lost interest after learning that Red Clay lost it again. She then asked about Brigham. Hop Hop told her that Brigham was gay, but she wasn’t about to let that stop her.
Fantastic Sam urged Will McGotnuthin to stop teaching the theory of “evil-lution,” calling it “a hobgobnobbery of flim-flam.” Sam explained that, rather than teaching that man is becoming more evil, Will should inspire his students to heroism instead. Will sat down for a haircut as Sam explained that every man is the hero of his own story.
Constance Snell paid a visit to Sheriff Madeline Clementine to dish about the new girl in town, Kitty Bumper. Constance’s initial admiration for Kitty’s business sense had been overwhelmed by her disgust with Kitty’s mercenary attitude, snide comments, and overall rudeness. Madeline couldn’t arrest Kitty for prostitution, or else she’d have to arrest Constance as well just to be fair. Still, they agreed that something needed to be done about Kitty. Constance suggested killing her, but Madeline was sworn to uphold the law. However, Madeline hinted that if Kitty attacked Constance, Constance would be justified in using lethal force to defend herself.
At the saloon, Fantastic Sam and Abraham Lincoln were discussing their lawsuit when Kitty Bumper entered. After Lincoln left them alone, Kitty tried to seduce Sam while questioning him about Red Clay. Sam saw through her act and asked what she was really up to. She replied that she was just trying to take over the town.
Red Clay and Brigham Young enjoyed an evening’s entertainment by looking at a series of drawings they made, which they dubbed “moving pictures.” Brigham asked Red Clay why he wore both pants and a loincloth. Red Clay explained that the pants were to blend in while he was in white man town…but now that they were on the edge of town, Red Clay prepared to take them off.
Despite having seen through Kitty’s motives, Sam still had sex with her. As they were tidying themselves up afterwards, Lincoln came back for a second helping of Constance’s fudge. Constance arrived and was deeply upset to see Kitty handling her fudge. Lincoln gave a stern lecture to Kitty for her rudeness, then harangued Sam for falling for Kitty’s wiles and hurting Constance. Kitty made an insinuating wisecrack about Constance’s friendship with Madeline. Constance stormed out, and Sam ran after her. Lincoln confronted Kitty about her actions.
LINCOLN: “I hope you’re happy. You’ve torn this town apart!”
KITTY: “I’m not happy till the $20 is left on the headboard.”
TO BE CONTINUED…
Having abandoned his horse disguise, Sam paid a visit to Abraham Lincoln (who couldn’t quite put his finger on what was different about Sam). Sam explained that he had turned his back on his father, Roswell Diabolicus, and was going straight by opening a barber shop (“Fantastic Sam’s”). Lincoln revealed that Roswell was his biological father, though he was raised by a man named Mabel Schminken. Sam recognized the name as that of Will McGotnuthin’s arch-nemesis (even though they called him “Hasem Minken” in Episode 8).
A drunken Will McGotnuthin was teaching to an empty classroom at 2 AM when Sheriff Madeline Clementine arrived to investigate the disturbance. Discovering that Will had fallen prey to the “sugary sweetness & alcohol goodness” of Roswell Diabolicus’ wine coolers, Madeline offered to help him straighten himself out. Will interpreted her offer as a flirtation, then confessed that, ever since he’d been separated from his sisters, he’d forgotten how to act around women. In the course of their conversation, Madeline dropped her handkerchief. As she picked it up, Will realized that he should have retrieved it for her. He asked her to drop it again so he could do so.
Hop Hop discovered Red Clay preparing a Chipapoo mating ritual. When Hop Hop asked who Red Clay’s “special someone” was, Red Clay replied that it was Brigham Young. Red Clay explained that his ancestors had told him to “let love of Brigham Young blossom”…so he did. At Hop Hop’s insistence, Red Clay sang of his love for Brigham (with the help of wandering troubadour Slim Talley).
Constance Snell was tending bar when itinerant prostitute Kitty Bumper strode in looking for work. Abraham Lincoln came in and samples some of Constance’s fudge, while Constance and Kitty went to the other side of the room for a private talk. When Kitty asked about Constance’s price structure, Constance admitted that she didn’t have a set price list, but just accepted whatever her customers gave her. Impressed by Kitty’s businesslike manner, Constance asked her advice on whoring.
Brigham Young was skipping stones by the lake, pouring out his heart to a cactus about his kiss with Red Clay.
BRIGHAM: “Loving him is like pooping on a skillet…It’s hard, but it’s worth the effort.”
Fantastic Sam walked by, but Brigham didn’t recognize him out of the horse costume. Once Sam explained who he was, Brigham began wondering whether the cactus was also a person in disguise. He tested this theory by kicking it over.
SAM: “I think you just kicked the shit out of a talking cactus.”
BRIGHAM: “Well, I feel dumb.”
Brigham told Sam that he was conflicted between his love for Red Clay (though he didn’t mention him by name) and God’s calling him to lead the Mormons to Iowa (“That, and the fact that I don’t know who the Mormons are or where Iowa is.”). Sam advised him to go to Iowa and THEN find a woman there who reminds him of his “special someone.”
Later, Red Clay visited Brigham at home. After some awkward small talk, God spoke to Brigham and asked what the hold-up was on the mission. After Brigham explained that he didn’t know where to go, Red Clay’s ancestral spirits told Red Clay to lead Brigham to Iowa. Brigham thanked God for being so much more vague and cryptic than the Chipapoo spirits.
Hop Hop went to Jed’s Saloon for a tryst with Constance, but was surprised to meet Kitty Bumper instead. Nonplussed, he got down to business with the new hooker. Afterwards, Kitty started pumping him for information about Red Clay. Her curiosity was piqued when Hop Hop said that Red Clay owned the whole town, but she immediately lost interest after learning that Red Clay lost it again. She then asked about Brigham. Hop Hop told her that Brigham was gay, but she wasn’t about to let that stop her.
Fantastic Sam urged Will McGotnuthin to stop teaching the theory of “evil-lution,” calling it “a hobgobnobbery of flim-flam.” Sam explained that, rather than teaching that man is becoming more evil, Will should inspire his students to heroism instead. Will sat down for a haircut as Sam explained that every man is the hero of his own story.
Constance Snell paid a visit to Sheriff Madeline Clementine to dish about the new girl in town, Kitty Bumper. Constance’s initial admiration for Kitty’s business sense had been overwhelmed by her disgust with Kitty’s mercenary attitude, snide comments, and overall rudeness. Madeline couldn’t arrest Kitty for prostitution, or else she’d have to arrest Constance as well just to be fair. Still, they agreed that something needed to be done about Kitty. Constance suggested killing her, but Madeline was sworn to uphold the law. However, Madeline hinted that if Kitty attacked Constance, Constance would be justified in using lethal force to defend herself.
At the saloon, Fantastic Sam and Abraham Lincoln were discussing their lawsuit when Kitty Bumper entered. After Lincoln left them alone, Kitty tried to seduce Sam while questioning him about Red Clay. Sam saw through her act and asked what she was really up to. She replied that she was just trying to take over the town.
Red Clay and Brigham Young enjoyed an evening’s entertainment by looking at a series of drawings they made, which they dubbed “moving pictures.” Brigham asked Red Clay why he wore both pants and a loincloth. Red Clay explained that the pants were to blend in while he was in white man town…but now that they were on the edge of town, Red Clay prepared to take them off.
Despite having seen through Kitty’s motives, Sam still had sex with her. As they were tidying themselves up afterwards, Lincoln came back for a second helping of Constance’s fudge. Constance arrived and was deeply upset to see Kitty handling her fudge. Lincoln gave a stern lecture to Kitty for her rudeness, then harangued Sam for falling for Kitty’s wiles and hurting Constance. Kitty made an insinuating wisecrack about Constance’s friendship with Madeline. Constance stormed out, and Sam ran after her. Lincoln confronted Kitty about her actions.
LINCOLN: “I hope you’re happy. You’ve torn this town apart!”
KITTY: “I’m not happy till the $20 is left on the headboard.”
TO BE CONTINUED…
Friday, December 5, 2008
Season 5, Episode 9: Abraham de Bergerac
Episode 9: Abraham de Bergerac
Abraham Lincoln and Brigham Young were sitting together at the bar, enjoying the musical stylings of the saloon piano player Stuttering Sal. Brigham confided to Lincoln that he was conflicted between God’s plans for him and his budding romance with Madeline. Lincoln advised him to be honest with Madeline about the whole “talking with God” thing, or it would just fester between them. Brigham was so impressed by Lincoln’s words that he asked Lincoln to hide behind a cactus and feed him lines when he talks to Madeline.
Hop Hop brought some Christmas brownies to Constance Snell, then mentioned that his pet chicken, Mr. Cluck-No-More, was missing. After an awkward moment, Constance confessed that she had the chicken and had adopted him as her own pet, renaming him “Pancake.” In keeping with the Christmas spirit (even though he’s Buddhist), Hop Hop agreed to let her keep the chicken…if she gave him the saloon in exchange. Since the saloon was what meant the most in her life, Constance agreed to return Mr. Cluck-No-More. Hop Hop was so moved by her sacrifice that he decided to let her keep the chicken and the saloon…he’d just settle for her fantastic vagina.
Seeking a mate with whom to repopulate the Chipapoo tribe, Red Clay put on some deer-urine cologne and called upon his ancestors for romantic advice. Only one of his ancestors, Andy, had any experience with white women; Andy advised Red Clay to give them diamonds and pretend to listen to them. Some diamonds mysteriously appeared beneath Red Clay’s campfire.
At the general store, Roswell Diabolicus was anxiously awaiting a visit from a mystery shopper when Will McGotnuthin came in for some more wine coolers. Roswell was surprised that his new concoction had appealed to a male over age 12, but was happy to oblige a customer. Roswell asked Will how things were going at the school. Will explained that by teaching the theory of “evil-lution,” the idea that mankind is growing more evil as time goes by, he hoped that the knowledge would stop the growth of evil. Roswell insisted that Will not stand in the way of the natural order of evil, then tried to bribe him with free wine coolers. Will accepted.
Sam the Horse went to see Sheriff Madeline Clementine in her office. Sam explained that he had broken his ass twice last week, and would be unable to do any work as her deputy…but he still wanted to be paid. Madeline refused to give him any money for work he isn’t doing. Sam was so enraged that he began stomping around the office, bending over backwards, and even doing a Cossack dance, all the while insisting that he was in no physical condition to work. The argument escalated until Madeline recovered her composure and attempted to make peace. Sam offered her a piece of the action in his lawsuit against Roswell Diabolicus.
Red Clay set up a trail of rose petals to lure women to his campfire, then practiced his best impression of the legendary Chipapoo ladies’ man White Bear (the forerunner of our Barry White). Constance Snell followed the trail, accompanied by her chicken Pancake. As she talked about her new pet, Red Clay pretended to listen, then gave her the diamonds from the campfire.
RED CLAY: “Now, off-um with pants!”
CONSTANCE: “Well, as long as you keep these diamonds coming…”
Abraham Lincoln paid a visit to Castle Gayskull to serve Roswell Diabolicus with the papers for Sam’s lawsuit.
ROSWELL: “Sam is suing me for falling on his own anus?”
LINCOLN: “Well, if he fell on someone else’s, it wouldn’t be much of a lawsuit, would it?”
After getting over his initial indignation, Roswell began to see the potential of frivolous lawsuits like this one. Roswell foresaw a future in which lawyers could be a powerful tool for evil.
Hop Hop went to see how the school was coming along, and was appalled to find Will McGotnuthin drunk on wine coolers and very belligerent. Hop Hop sent the kids outside and confronted Will about his disgraceful behavior. Will and Hop Hop started to fight (while the kids placed bets). The battle came to a quick end when Hop Hop threw his hat at Will’s midsection, knocking him down.
Roswell confronted Sam about the lawsuit, upset that Sam was endangering their evil master plan by taking such actions on his own. Roswell warned that he could reveal that Sam was only a human being in a horse costume. Sam explained that the lawsuit was just his attempt to follow in Roswell’s footsteps, but it was a lame, petty attempt at evil. Sam confided that he just didn’t feel cut out for evil, and wanted to quit. He also informed Roswell that small children saw through his horse costume and kept trying to hit him. Desperate to persuade Sam to stay, Roswell devised a plan in which people in animal costumes would lure people into some sort of park, where the patrons would spend lots of money and wait in long lines. Despite the obvious evilness of this idea, Sam still quit.
Brigham Young laid a trail of rose petals to lead Madeline out to their trysting spot in the desert, where Lincoln hid behind a cactus and told Brigham what to say. Brigham kept mangling Lincoln’s words, until finally Brigham couldn’t continue the deception. He introduced Lincoln to Madeline, then sent Lincoln on his way. Once they were alone, Brigham told Madeline that he loved her, but that he’d been called by God to lead the Mormons (even though he didn’t know who or what the Mormons were). Suddenly, Red Clay interrupted, trying to seduce Madeline himself. Both God and Red Clay’s ancestors spoke up simultaneously. God told Brigham to put his gun away, and Red Clay’s ancestors urged Red Clay to “let love of Brigham Young blossom.” Taking his ancestors’ advice, Red Clay knocked Madeline out and sang a love song to Brigham. Brigham and Red Clay kissed passionately.
TO BE CONTINUED…
Abraham Lincoln and Brigham Young were sitting together at the bar, enjoying the musical stylings of the saloon piano player Stuttering Sal. Brigham confided to Lincoln that he was conflicted between God’s plans for him and his budding romance with Madeline. Lincoln advised him to be honest with Madeline about the whole “talking with God” thing, or it would just fester between them. Brigham was so impressed by Lincoln’s words that he asked Lincoln to hide behind a cactus and feed him lines when he talks to Madeline.
Hop Hop brought some Christmas brownies to Constance Snell, then mentioned that his pet chicken, Mr. Cluck-No-More, was missing. After an awkward moment, Constance confessed that she had the chicken and had adopted him as her own pet, renaming him “Pancake.” In keeping with the Christmas spirit (even though he’s Buddhist), Hop Hop agreed to let her keep the chicken…if she gave him the saloon in exchange. Since the saloon was what meant the most in her life, Constance agreed to return Mr. Cluck-No-More. Hop Hop was so moved by her sacrifice that he decided to let her keep the chicken and the saloon…he’d just settle for her fantastic vagina.
Seeking a mate with whom to repopulate the Chipapoo tribe, Red Clay put on some deer-urine cologne and called upon his ancestors for romantic advice. Only one of his ancestors, Andy, had any experience with white women; Andy advised Red Clay to give them diamonds and pretend to listen to them. Some diamonds mysteriously appeared beneath Red Clay’s campfire.
At the general store, Roswell Diabolicus was anxiously awaiting a visit from a mystery shopper when Will McGotnuthin came in for some more wine coolers. Roswell was surprised that his new concoction had appealed to a male over age 12, but was happy to oblige a customer. Roswell asked Will how things were going at the school. Will explained that by teaching the theory of “evil-lution,” the idea that mankind is growing more evil as time goes by, he hoped that the knowledge would stop the growth of evil. Roswell insisted that Will not stand in the way of the natural order of evil, then tried to bribe him with free wine coolers. Will accepted.
Sam the Horse went to see Sheriff Madeline Clementine in her office. Sam explained that he had broken his ass twice last week, and would be unable to do any work as her deputy…but he still wanted to be paid. Madeline refused to give him any money for work he isn’t doing. Sam was so enraged that he began stomping around the office, bending over backwards, and even doing a Cossack dance, all the while insisting that he was in no physical condition to work. The argument escalated until Madeline recovered her composure and attempted to make peace. Sam offered her a piece of the action in his lawsuit against Roswell Diabolicus.
Red Clay set up a trail of rose petals to lure women to his campfire, then practiced his best impression of the legendary Chipapoo ladies’ man White Bear (the forerunner of our Barry White). Constance Snell followed the trail, accompanied by her chicken Pancake. As she talked about her new pet, Red Clay pretended to listen, then gave her the diamonds from the campfire.
RED CLAY: “Now, off-um with pants!”
CONSTANCE: “Well, as long as you keep these diamonds coming…”
Abraham Lincoln paid a visit to Castle Gayskull to serve Roswell Diabolicus with the papers for Sam’s lawsuit.
ROSWELL: “Sam is suing me for falling on his own anus?”
LINCOLN: “Well, if he fell on someone else’s, it wouldn’t be much of a lawsuit, would it?”
After getting over his initial indignation, Roswell began to see the potential of frivolous lawsuits like this one. Roswell foresaw a future in which lawyers could be a powerful tool for evil.
Hop Hop went to see how the school was coming along, and was appalled to find Will McGotnuthin drunk on wine coolers and very belligerent. Hop Hop sent the kids outside and confronted Will about his disgraceful behavior. Will and Hop Hop started to fight (while the kids placed bets). The battle came to a quick end when Hop Hop threw his hat at Will’s midsection, knocking him down.
Roswell confronted Sam about the lawsuit, upset that Sam was endangering their evil master plan by taking such actions on his own. Roswell warned that he could reveal that Sam was only a human being in a horse costume. Sam explained that the lawsuit was just his attempt to follow in Roswell’s footsteps, but it was a lame, petty attempt at evil. Sam confided that he just didn’t feel cut out for evil, and wanted to quit. He also informed Roswell that small children saw through his horse costume and kept trying to hit him. Desperate to persuade Sam to stay, Roswell devised a plan in which people in animal costumes would lure people into some sort of park, where the patrons would spend lots of money and wait in long lines. Despite the obvious evilness of this idea, Sam still quit.
Brigham Young laid a trail of rose petals to lead Madeline out to their trysting spot in the desert, where Lincoln hid behind a cactus and told Brigham what to say. Brigham kept mangling Lincoln’s words, until finally Brigham couldn’t continue the deception. He introduced Lincoln to Madeline, then sent Lincoln on his way. Once they were alone, Brigham told Madeline that he loved her, but that he’d been called by God to lead the Mormons (even though he didn’t know who or what the Mormons were). Suddenly, Red Clay interrupted, trying to seduce Madeline himself. Both God and Red Clay’s ancestors spoke up simultaneously. God told Brigham to put his gun away, and Red Clay’s ancestors urged Red Clay to “let love of Brigham Young blossom.” Taking his ancestors’ advice, Red Clay knocked Madeline out and sang a love song to Brigham. Brigham and Red Clay kissed passionately.
TO BE CONTINUED…
Thursday, December 4, 2008
Season 5, Episode 8: Lincoln, Lincoln, I've Been Thinkin'...
Episode 8: Lincoln, Lincoln, I’ve Been Thinkin’…
Still lying in the street bleeding after his duel with Will McGotnuthin, Brigham Young got a message from God. God told Brigham that he needed to lead his people to another place.
Mayor Hop Hop stopped by the school (located in the back room of Roswell Diabolicus’ general store) to find out how they were doing. Will McGotnuthin, the teacher, blamed Brigham Young for the sorry state of the school, explaining that Brigham kept taking up valuable classroom space with the store’s backstock. When Will mentioned his duel with Brigham, Hop Hop took him to task for setting a bad example for the children. Hop Hop urged Will to settle his differences like a man, by playing Chinese Checkers (“ridiculous game, with marbles and pentagram…if you lose, Satan comes up!”)
Constance Snell was tending bar when Abraham Lincoln entered. She asked to try on his stovepipe hat to see if it would make her look taller. Lincoln explained that he was traveling on a mission to make sure people don’t fight, and to set free any dogs he might see penned up.
CONSTANCE: “So what’s up with that beard & no mustache?”
LINCOLN: “Well, I have a personal stylist, and she tells me people will remember it.”
Constance invited Lincoln upstairs for a “transaction” and a game of Chinese Checkers.
Sam the Horse gave Roswell Diabolicus a ride to the store, where they discussed their evil plans. Roswell had developed a new invention to lure people to the side of evil…something called a “wine cooler.” Being sweeter and less potent than whiskey, it would be more tempting to women and 12-year-old boys. Sam proposed throwing a hoedown to recruit followers, but warned that his brittle bones might not withstand the dance. Roswell realized that Sam was so committed to evil, he’d come up with a plan that might destroy himself! Sam celebrated with a victory dance, fell and broke his ass.
The wounded Brigham Young staggered in to Sheriff Madeline Clementine’s office. Madeline awkwardly attempted to rush to his side, but explained:
MADELINE: “My accoutrements are slowing me down!”
BRIGHAM: “You got Cooter Mints?!”
Brigham explained that God had spoken to him twice since the shooting, but had forgotten to heal him. He asked Madeline to apply pressure to his wound to stop the bleeding. Madeline worried that she might drive the bullet in further.
BRIGHAM: “You always think of things like that. That’s why I love you so.”
MADELINE: “Brigham, what did you say?”
BRIGHAM: “Oh…I got to go!”
Abraham Lincoln visited the mayor’s office, where Hop Hop forced the stranger to join him in a chicken-dance to celebrate his pet Mr. Cluck-No-More’s birthday. Once that was out of the way, Lincoln offered his services as a lawyer, explaining the concept of contracts. Impressed by his speaking talent, Hop Hop suggested that Lincoln get into politics. When Hop Hop explained that politics was all about lying, Lincoln corrected him and urged him to use his authority honestly. Hop Hop was so moved that he came up with a new nickname for the visitor: “Honest Abe.”
Sam the Horse ran into Will McGotnuthin and invited him to the hoedown at Ye Olde Spaghetti Factory, asking him to bring his students as well. Sam mentioned the stranger in town, but struggled to remember Lincoln’s name. Will thought that Sam was talking about Hasem Minken, the lawyer who had unsuccessfully defended Will’s sisters and got them thrown in jail. They resolved to take revenge on Minken at the dance. Sam did a celebration dance and broke his ass again.
Abraham Lincoln stopped by Castle Gayskull, and was surprised when Roswell Diabolicus (a complete stranger to him) greeted him so familiarly. Roswell pointed out the similarity in their appearances (“Do you think you selected a big hat and chin beard randomly?”) and revealed that he was Lincoln’s biological father. Lincoln was dismayed to realize that he was the son of an evil man. Angered by his son’s rejection, Roswell warned Lincoln to beware the theatre. Lincoln vowed that he would continue his theatre-going habits undaunted.
Madeline paid a visit to Constance for some advice about Brigham’s declaration of love.
MADELINE: “Constance, what does love mean?”
CONSTANCE: “It means a handsome stranger in a stovepipe hat and private parts the likes of which you have never seen!”
Constance advised Madeline to have sex with Brigham to see how good he is before rushing into marriage. The talk of marriage took Madeline by surprise, since (being 28 years old and single) she had resigned herself to being an old maid.
Hop Hop used an ancient Chinese secret remedy to extract the bullet and heal Brigham’s wound. God spoke up, and Brigham asked God to clarify who were the “chosen people” he had to lead. God explained that Brigham had been called upon to help the morons of the world, but Brigham misunderstood. After Brigham’s talk with God, Hop Hop urged Brigham to make peace with Will. Hop Hop drove the point home by singing “The Rose.”
Will McGotnuthin was sitting at the bar, talking to Constance, when Brigham Young entered. Out of habit, Will and Brigham drew their weapons at the sight of each other. Constance persuaded them to sit down and play a game of “Connect Four” (even though none of them knew the rules). Once they’d settled down, Brigham explained that he’d been chosen to lead the Mormons to Sioux City, Iowa…and they’d need a teacher.
CONSTANCE: “Do they need a whore, too?”
BRIGHAM: “Do they ever!”
That evening, at the hoedown, everybody was enjoying themselves and partaking of Roswell’s wine coolers. The threatened conflict between Will McGotnuthin and “Hasem Minken” came to nothing when Will realized that Abraham Lincoln wasn’t his enemy. As Lincoln and Sam the Horse discussed filing a lawsuit over Sam’s broken ass, the focus shifted to Brigham Young and Madeline Clementine as they shared a passionate kiss.
TO BE CONTINUED…
Still lying in the street bleeding after his duel with Will McGotnuthin, Brigham Young got a message from God. God told Brigham that he needed to lead his people to another place.
Mayor Hop Hop stopped by the school (located in the back room of Roswell Diabolicus’ general store) to find out how they were doing. Will McGotnuthin, the teacher, blamed Brigham Young for the sorry state of the school, explaining that Brigham kept taking up valuable classroom space with the store’s backstock. When Will mentioned his duel with Brigham, Hop Hop took him to task for setting a bad example for the children. Hop Hop urged Will to settle his differences like a man, by playing Chinese Checkers (“ridiculous game, with marbles and pentagram…if you lose, Satan comes up!”)
Constance Snell was tending bar when Abraham Lincoln entered. She asked to try on his stovepipe hat to see if it would make her look taller. Lincoln explained that he was traveling on a mission to make sure people don’t fight, and to set free any dogs he might see penned up.
CONSTANCE: “So what’s up with that beard & no mustache?”
LINCOLN: “Well, I have a personal stylist, and she tells me people will remember it.”
Constance invited Lincoln upstairs for a “transaction” and a game of Chinese Checkers.
Sam the Horse gave Roswell Diabolicus a ride to the store, where they discussed their evil plans. Roswell had developed a new invention to lure people to the side of evil…something called a “wine cooler.” Being sweeter and less potent than whiskey, it would be more tempting to women and 12-year-old boys. Sam proposed throwing a hoedown to recruit followers, but warned that his brittle bones might not withstand the dance. Roswell realized that Sam was so committed to evil, he’d come up with a plan that might destroy himself! Sam celebrated with a victory dance, fell and broke his ass.
The wounded Brigham Young staggered in to Sheriff Madeline Clementine’s office. Madeline awkwardly attempted to rush to his side, but explained:
MADELINE: “My accoutrements are slowing me down!”
BRIGHAM: “You got Cooter Mints?!”
Brigham explained that God had spoken to him twice since the shooting, but had forgotten to heal him. He asked Madeline to apply pressure to his wound to stop the bleeding. Madeline worried that she might drive the bullet in further.
BRIGHAM: “You always think of things like that. That’s why I love you so.”
MADELINE: “Brigham, what did you say?”
BRIGHAM: “Oh…I got to go!”
Abraham Lincoln visited the mayor’s office, where Hop Hop forced the stranger to join him in a chicken-dance to celebrate his pet Mr. Cluck-No-More’s birthday. Once that was out of the way, Lincoln offered his services as a lawyer, explaining the concept of contracts. Impressed by his speaking talent, Hop Hop suggested that Lincoln get into politics. When Hop Hop explained that politics was all about lying, Lincoln corrected him and urged him to use his authority honestly. Hop Hop was so moved that he came up with a new nickname for the visitor: “Honest Abe.”
Sam the Horse ran into Will McGotnuthin and invited him to the hoedown at Ye Olde Spaghetti Factory, asking him to bring his students as well. Sam mentioned the stranger in town, but struggled to remember Lincoln’s name. Will thought that Sam was talking about Hasem Minken, the lawyer who had unsuccessfully defended Will’s sisters and got them thrown in jail. They resolved to take revenge on Minken at the dance. Sam did a celebration dance and broke his ass again.
Abraham Lincoln stopped by Castle Gayskull, and was surprised when Roswell Diabolicus (a complete stranger to him) greeted him so familiarly. Roswell pointed out the similarity in their appearances (“Do you think you selected a big hat and chin beard randomly?”) and revealed that he was Lincoln’s biological father. Lincoln was dismayed to realize that he was the son of an evil man. Angered by his son’s rejection, Roswell warned Lincoln to beware the theatre. Lincoln vowed that he would continue his theatre-going habits undaunted.
Madeline paid a visit to Constance for some advice about Brigham’s declaration of love.
MADELINE: “Constance, what does love mean?”
CONSTANCE: “It means a handsome stranger in a stovepipe hat and private parts the likes of which you have never seen!”
Constance advised Madeline to have sex with Brigham to see how good he is before rushing into marriage. The talk of marriage took Madeline by surprise, since (being 28 years old and single) she had resigned herself to being an old maid.
Hop Hop used an ancient Chinese secret remedy to extract the bullet and heal Brigham’s wound. God spoke up, and Brigham asked God to clarify who were the “chosen people” he had to lead. God explained that Brigham had been called upon to help the morons of the world, but Brigham misunderstood. After Brigham’s talk with God, Hop Hop urged Brigham to make peace with Will. Hop Hop drove the point home by singing “The Rose.”
Will McGotnuthin was sitting at the bar, talking to Constance, when Brigham Young entered. Out of habit, Will and Brigham drew their weapons at the sight of each other. Constance persuaded them to sit down and play a game of “Connect Four” (even though none of them knew the rules). Once they’d settled down, Brigham explained that he’d been chosen to lead the Mormons to Sioux City, Iowa…and they’d need a teacher.
CONSTANCE: “Do they need a whore, too?”
BRIGHAM: “Do they ever!”
That evening, at the hoedown, everybody was enjoying themselves and partaking of Roswell’s wine coolers. The threatened conflict between Will McGotnuthin and “Hasem Minken” came to nothing when Will realized that Abraham Lincoln wasn’t his enemy. As Lincoln and Sam the Horse discussed filing a lawsuit over Sam’s broken ass, the focus shifted to Brigham Young and Madeline Clementine as they shared a passionate kiss.
TO BE CONTINUED…
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