Season 5, Episode 1:Once Upon a Time in the West

Episode 1: Once Upon a Time in the West

Our story begins in the joint mayor’s office/sheriff’s office of Little One Point, where the newly-elected Mayor Hop Hop was not happy about sharing the room with Sheriff Madeline Clementine. Since Hop Hop had no political experience (he hadn’t even run for office, he just woke up one morning and was informed he was mayor), Madeline suggested that he just be a figurehead and let her take care of the administrative work. They talked about Hop Hop’s arduous journey from China to this land of opportunity where dreams come true. Madeline confessed that she saw no chance of her own dreams coming true, since all the menfolk were too afraid of her authority to have any romantic interest in her. Hop Hop consoled her.

The town shopkeeper, Roswell Diabolicus, was doing inventory (assisted by his pet bobcat Mr. Nosy) when his assistant Brigham Young came in late for work. Despite this, Roswell gave Brigham a promotion to manager, explaining that his tardiness was unimportant as long as he was there before the customers, and ready to give Hop Hop his noodle injection. Roswell warned Brigham that this position came with a price, mysteriously explaining that one night, Roswell would tap on his window and call upon him for a favor. Brigham had no problem with that.

Sam the Horse was out grazing when he met the mysterious whip-wielding stranger in black, Will McGotnuthin. As Will explained that he’d been walking all the way from Macon, a passerby stuck a “Wanted” poster on a nearby cactus. Realizing that Will was a fugitive, Sam nevertheless agreed to give Will a ride to Little One Point, as long as Will didn’t try to change their way of life. Will couldn’t make that promise, as his goal was to bring education to the old West. Will tried to explain that the changes he wanted were better than the changes Sam feared.

SAM: “So…if the new change is different from the old change, then…you’d change things exactly the way they are!”

Saloonkeeper/madam Constance Snell was tending bar when Red Clay, the Chipapoo brave, entered. As she poured him a drink, Red Clay explained that he had no money…only the kazoo for which his ancestors had traded this land years before. Sheriff Madeline Clementine arrived and asked about the rumors of a mysterious stranger heading into town. Red Clay replied that he had indeed seen a man who “smelled of far away,” prompting Constance to share an utterly pointless reminiscence about her cousin.

Roswell Diabolicus made a house call to Hop Hop, congratulating him on his election. When they shook hands, Hop Hop got a splinter from Roswell’s wooden index finger (the result of a deal Roswell made with a Mexican). Roswell offered to get Hop Hop his own office if he’ll appoint Roswell to his cabinet. Roswell then sweetened the deal by offering him free noodle injections.

Playing poker with Sam the Horse, Brigham Young presented his hand (two threes, a queen and an ace) with a proud “BOO-YAH!” As Sam collected his winnings, Brigham bragged about his promotion. Brigham then mentioned the mysterious packages that had been arriving at the store, marked with faces with X’s where the eyes should be.

Constance Snell wondered why everyone thinks everything she says is something dirty. Then she announced “I have a fantastic vagina,” and broke out into a song about it.

Being a hands-on kind of mayor, Hop Hop was manning the Welcome Center, telling the mysterious visitor about all of Little One Point’s attractions (including Constance’s fantastic vagina).

WILL: “Is there a point in this conversation where you shut up?”
HOP HOP: “Well…no.”

A young woman strolled by and nailed up another Wanted poster, but Hop Hop was too busy looking up her skirt to pay attention to the poster. Will McGotnuthin explained that he’d noticed the town needed a schoolteacher, and offered to fill that void. Hop Hop had him write out an application on the back of the Wanted poster, then asked Will about his policies. Will explained that he would let the children fend for themselves when it came to lunch, and that he would use his whip to maintain the pace of learning. Hearing this, Sam the Horse called Will over and advised him to rethink his policies. Sam gave Will his calling card…a chess piece.

Over in his Gothic manor, Castle Gayskull, Roswell Diabolicus opened his packages of TNT. Roswell gloated over his plan to build a cannon the size of Rhode Island, capable of blowing a Rhode Island-sized hole in the country. Asking Mr. Nosy for advice, Roswell decided to persuade Hop Hop to bring in more Chinese “railroad workers”…who will unwittingly build the Rhode Island Cannon for him!

Sitting by the campfire, Red Clay realized he’d forgotten his peace pipe, so he started smoking the kazoo instead. He called upon the spirits of his ancestors, who told him to find the Chief of the town by looking for a terrible stereotype. Red Clay realized they meant Hop Hop (the only terrible stereotype he knew besides himself).

Will McGotnuthin arrived at Constance’s saloon, looking for a room to stay. Thinking he was asking for more than just a room, Constance led him upstairs.

As Sheriff Madeline Clementine assembled a posse, Sam the Horse lectured the other horses for passively participating in their own subjugation. Suddenly, the old coot Gabby rushed in, shouting “I seen ’im!” Gabby collapsed and died, as Brigham Young attempted CPR. Noticing a familiar white substance on Gabby’s shoes, Sam realized that their quarry was at the saloon.

Having found one of Roswell’s packages lying in the road, Red Clay brought it in to the general store. As Roswell sat down in a precarious and vaguely objectionable pose, he offered to help Red Clay reclaim his tribal land if Red Clay would keep an eye on Will McGotnuthin. Red Clay was reluctant to make a deal with the white man, so Roswell offered him booze.

As Constance led Will to the bed, the posse burst in. As Madeline confronted Will, Hop Hop recognized that this “mysterious stranger” was the town’s new schoolteacher. Madeline changed her tune and welcomed the stranger, a perplexed Brigham Young reminded everybody about Gabby’s death. Hop Hop dismissed his concerns by pointing out that Gabby dies all the time, and had been suffering a case of the sniffles. The rest of the group persuaded Brigham to convert the back of the store into a classroom. Brigham agreed, but was still puzzled by one thing:

BRIGHAM: “How does the sniffles make a bullet hole appear?”

TO BE CONTINUED…