Episode 8: Lincoln, Lincoln, I’ve Been Thinkin’…
Still lying in the street bleeding after his duel with Will McGotnuthin, Brigham Young got a message from God. God told Brigham that he needed to lead his people to another place.
Mayor Hop Hop stopped by the school (located in the back room of Roswell Diabolicus’ general store) to find out how they were doing. Will McGotnuthin, the teacher, blamed Brigham Young for the sorry state of the school, explaining that Brigham kept taking up valuable classroom space with the store’s backstock. When Will mentioned his duel with Brigham, Hop Hop took him to task for setting a bad example for the children. Hop Hop urged Will to settle his differences like a man, by playing Chinese Checkers (“ridiculous game, with marbles and pentagram…if you lose, Satan comes up!”)
Constance Snell was tending bar when Abraham Lincoln entered. She asked to try on his stovepipe hat to see if it would make her look taller. Lincoln explained that he was traveling on a mission to make sure people don’t fight, and to set free any dogs he might see penned up.
CONSTANCE: “So what’s up with that beard & no mustache?”
LINCOLN: “Well, I have a personal stylist, and she tells me people will remember it.”
Constance invited Lincoln upstairs for a “transaction” and a game of Chinese Checkers.
Sam the Horse gave Roswell Diabolicus a ride to the store, where they discussed their evil plans. Roswell had developed a new invention to lure people to the side of evil…something called a “wine cooler.” Being sweeter and less potent than whiskey, it would be more tempting to women and 12-year-old boys. Sam proposed throwing a hoedown to recruit followers, but warned that his brittle bones might not withstand the dance. Roswell realized that Sam was so committed to evil, he’d come up with a plan that might destroy himself! Sam celebrated with a victory dance, fell and broke his ass.
The wounded Brigham Young staggered in to Sheriff Madeline Clementine’s office. Madeline awkwardly attempted to rush to his side, but explained:
MADELINE: “My accoutrements are slowing me down!”
BRIGHAM: “You got Cooter Mints?!”
Brigham explained that God had spoken to him twice since the shooting, but had forgotten to heal him. He asked Madeline to apply pressure to his wound to stop the bleeding. Madeline worried that she might drive the bullet in further.
BRIGHAM: “You always think of things like that. That’s why I love you so.”
MADELINE: “Brigham, what did you say?”
BRIGHAM: “Oh…I got to go!”
Abraham Lincoln visited the mayor’s office, where Hop Hop forced the stranger to join him in a chicken-dance to celebrate his pet Mr. Cluck-No-More’s birthday. Once that was out of the way, Lincoln offered his services as a lawyer, explaining the concept of contracts. Impressed by his speaking talent, Hop Hop suggested that Lincoln get into politics. When Hop Hop explained that politics was all about lying, Lincoln corrected him and urged him to use his authority honestly. Hop Hop was so moved that he came up with a new nickname for the visitor: “Honest Abe.”
Sam the Horse ran into Will McGotnuthin and invited him to the hoedown at Ye Olde Spaghetti Factory, asking him to bring his students as well. Sam mentioned the stranger in town, but struggled to remember Lincoln’s name. Will thought that Sam was talking about Hasem Minken, the lawyer who had unsuccessfully defended Will’s sisters and got them thrown in jail. They resolved to take revenge on Minken at the dance. Sam did a celebration dance and broke his ass again.
Abraham Lincoln stopped by Castle Gayskull, and was surprised when Roswell Diabolicus (a complete stranger to him) greeted him so familiarly. Roswell pointed out the similarity in their appearances (“Do you think you selected a big hat and chin beard randomly?”) and revealed that he was Lincoln’s biological father. Lincoln was dismayed to realize that he was the son of an evil man. Angered by his son’s rejection, Roswell warned Lincoln to beware the theatre. Lincoln vowed that he would continue his theatre-going habits undaunted.
Madeline paid a visit to Constance for some advice about Brigham’s declaration of love.
MADELINE: “Constance, what does love mean?”
CONSTANCE: “It means a handsome stranger in a stovepipe hat and private parts the likes of which you have never seen!”
Constance advised Madeline to have sex with Brigham to see how good he is before rushing into marriage. The talk of marriage took Madeline by surprise, since (being 28 years old and single) she had resigned herself to being an old maid.
Hop Hop used an ancient Chinese secret remedy to extract the bullet and heal Brigham’s wound. God spoke up, and Brigham asked God to clarify who were the “chosen people” he had to lead. God explained that Brigham had been called upon to help the morons of the world, but Brigham misunderstood. After Brigham’s talk with God, Hop Hop urged Brigham to make peace with Will. Hop Hop drove the point home by singing “The Rose.”
Will McGotnuthin was sitting at the bar, talking to Constance, when Brigham Young entered. Out of habit, Will and Brigham drew their weapons at the sight of each other. Constance persuaded them to sit down and play a game of “Connect Four” (even though none of them knew the rules). Once they’d settled down, Brigham explained that he’d been chosen to lead the Mormons to Sioux City, Iowa…and they’d need a teacher.
CONSTANCE: “Do they need a whore, too?”
BRIGHAM: “Do they ever!”
That evening, at the hoedown, everybody was enjoying themselves and partaking of Roswell’s wine coolers. The threatened conflict between Will McGotnuthin and “Hasem Minken” came to nothing when Will realized that Abraham Lincoln wasn’t his enemy. As Lincoln and Sam the Horse discussed filing a lawsuit over Sam’s broken ass, the focus shifted to Brigham Young and Madeline Clementine as they shared a passionate kiss.
TO BE CONTINUED…