Season 4, Episode 1: Not in MY Revolving Space Station You Don't!

Beginning a new season, with a new setting:

Episode 1: Not in MY Revolving Space Station You Don’t!

At the runway awaiting their shuttle to the Keeton-2 space station, cub reporter Scoop Quasar interviewed Dwayne Tomagachi, efficiency expert and representative of the Yamamoto Corporation. Despite the language barrier, Scoop learned that the Yamamoto Corporation was called in to finance the Keeton-2 after the Keeton-1 went down in a fiery blaze, leaving the American space program financially strapped.

In his chambers on the Keeton-2, Dr. Shika, the blue-skinned medical officer from planet Guano-9, was doing his morning exercises when the ship’s British android chef, Edwina Prototype, brought him some tea & biscuits for breakfast. Having never encountered tea before, Dr. Shika was delighted to sample the unfamiliar Earth beverage. Before long, the tea began having a strange effect on his alien physiology. Dr. Shika began feeling wild, creative, and full of energy. Edwina suggested that he put his hyperactivity to use by grouting her bathroom.

In the station’s livestock pens, Amish scientist Jacob Fisher was emptying out the manure trough.

JACOB: “There’s got to be a better way. Well, of course, there IS a better way, but I can’t use it.”

Jacob mused about the difficulty of remaining true to his Amish traditions in the midst of all this new-fangled technology, but thanked the Lord that he had managed to maintain his section of the station using old-fashioned fuel oil. And soon, he would complete his secret project…the butter-churn rocket, to help his people leave Earth and find a new home untainted by progress. Just then, Cody Gage, the station’s chief engineer, came in to check the fuel oil level. Away from her familiar equipment and surrounded by nature for the first time, Cody started freaking out, but still managed to help one of the cows give birth.

Commander James T. Blanket was operating the station’s steering wheel, keeping it in orbit by constantly turning left. Dwayne Tomagachi arrived and began questioning him about the station’s operations, such as why they used a steering wheel instead of an automatic orbiting system. Suddenly, maverick space pilot Armageddon Uno burst in, steamin’ mad because his ship, the Chicken Hawk, hadn’t been repaired yet.

Dr. Shika and Scoop Quasar commiserated over their mutual homesickness. Dr. Shika suggested that Scoop start thinking of the crew as people from his hometown. Taking him up on the suggestion, Quasar started calling Shika “Aunt Sue.” Then they sang a heartfelt ballad about finding their “happy place.”

Dwayne Tomagachi entered the commissary and met Edwina Prototype, who greeted him in fluent Japanese. To welcome him aboard, Edwina prepared an elaborate Japanese meal. Dwayne shared some of his misgivings about the station, like the fact that it’s partially made of wood. Edwina cheerfully defended the wood construction for reducing static shock from the shag carpeting, but when Dwayne’s complaints extended to her cooking, her cheeriness vanished and she launched into a savage diatribe.

Armageddon Uno confronted Cody Gage about the delay in fixing his ship. Cody explained that there were a lot of other projects to do first, and asked what was so important about this job. Armageddon revealed that his cargo was actually the notorious hired killer, Heinous McMurder, frozen in carbonade. Armageddon’s employer, Mr. Beauregard, had hired Armageddon to bring in McMurder because McMurder had failed to kill Beauregard’s wife. Armageddon offered to split the bounty if Cody helped him deliver the cargo.

Jacob Fisher visited Commander Blanket on the bridge, and they reflected on the tragic fate of the Keeton-1. Commander Blanket poured out his heart about his own fall from grace…how he had been one of the force’s fastest-rising, highest-ranking officers until he got cocky and made his fatal mistake, blowing up a short bus full of special-needs children. Changing the subject, Jacob informed the captain that all the pigs on the station had come down with space madness and he had to shoot them out the airlock. Jacob requested that the next batch of pigs be allowed to roam free. Commander Blanket agreed, on the condition that Jacob use his gift for tending livestock to take care of Blanket’s beehive.

In the commissary, Edwina Prototype wondered why she had blown up at Dwayne Tomagachi, since she hadn’t known that rage was part of her programming. She speculated that, since she can feel rage, it would be only a short step to experience passion, and move on from there to love…at which point she would finally be a real woman. Armageddon Uno entered, and the two of them shared a sexually charged patty-melt experience. Armageddon split immediately afterwards.

Scoop Quasar was reading a letter from his girlfriend, Catherine, when Dr. Shika brought him a gift…a crude robot with a lot of potential. Dr. Shika started to do a rap song about the robot’s features, but mercifully stopped.

As the station’s last thruster lost power, Commander Blanket and Cody Gage were struggling to save the station. Dwayne Tomagachi revealed that he knew how to activate the reserve boosters, and would help them if they agreed to let him make some changes on the station, for the sake of efficiency and “big big fun.” The captain consented, and Tomagachi pressed the booster button. Tomagachi then asked Commander Blanket to replace the wood fixtures, remove the shag carpeting, and do SOMETHING about Edwina.

In his quarters, Jacob Fisher said goodnight to the livestock, slipped into his sleep-sock, and said his evening prayers. He reflected that he was shunned back home for associating with the space program, but refused to let that discourage him. He resolved to continue shining a light…a gas light…into the darkness.

TO BE CONTINUED...