Season 3, Episode 20: Wedding Bell Blues

Guest-starring Mary Kraft as Sandra Seaver and Chris Blair as Chick Starley!

Episode 20: Wedding Bell Blues

Dennis the vulture was working the front desk when Colonel Buttry Butts, Mad Dog’s long-lost, separated-at-birth conjoined twin brother arrived, looking for Mad Dog. Dennis broke the news that Mad Dog had been fired into the sun last week, but the Colonel didn’t believe him. So, Dennis gave him a ridiculously overpriced room.

Celeste was preparing for the wedding with her hearing-impaired sister Sandra Seaver, who was going to perform the ceremony as an ordained Baptist minister. Sandra was shocked to learn that Bert wasn’t Baptist, but all was forgiven once she found out he had a nice ass.

Bert and Cecil were also preparing for the wedding. Bert asked Cecil to be his best man, and assured him (or tried to, anyway) that Celeste would never replace his mother. Cecil told Bert that he’d found great confidence since becoming the Chosen One, adding that he now knew everything, including the future. Bert tried to get Cecil to tell him how the marriage would work out, but Cecil convinced him to take the future on faith.

Dr. Weeds and ShiShi were out on a date. Dr. Weeds warned ShiShi not to get too excited about the wedding, since he was plotting revenge against Bert by ruining it. ShiShi tried to persuade Weeds to give his evil ways a rest and let his enemy have a shot at happiness. Weeds began kissing ShiShi’s arm, suggesting that they ride off in Bert’s limo. ShiShi started to give in.

Dr. Buddy and 111x9 were having an argument in their alien lair. Distraught over Mad Dog’s death, Buddy blamed 111x9 for spoiling their relationship. Buddy declared “You’re no son, you’re no son of mine” and threw 111x9 out.

Dennis was still at the front desk when Chick Starley arrived. Dennis was so starstruck that he offered Chick the best room in the hotel, even though it meant kicking Col. Butts out. Chick asked about Celeste (although he couldn’t get her name right). When Dennis told him Celeste was getting married, Chick showed him a letter she sent him (in braille) telling him “No matter what happens, I’m all yours.” Dennis warned Chick that Celeste’s husband-to-be was a big man in the mafia (“Not that there is such a thing”), but Chick was unimpressed, having taken down the mob in “Danger Cop 4.”

Dr. Weeds met Col. Butts. When the Colonel asked Weeds if he had seen Mad Dog, Weeds showed him the sun and explained that Mad Dog had sacrificed himself to reignite it. This time, Col. Butts believed the story, and was heartbroken by the sad news. Dr. Weeds suggested they split a bottle of Mad Dog 20-20 in his brother’s memory.

All dressed up in her bridesmaid’s gown, ShiShi was decorating the lounge with Sandra. Sandra reminisced about the last time she visited the Gregorio, recalling how Mad Dog kept pouring liquor down her throat and then, next thing she knew, she woke up in the panhandle of Oklahoma. ShiShi sadly informed Sandra of Mad Dog’s death, and they went behind the bar to drink to his memory. Boy, did they drink to his memory!

Dr. Weeds and Col. Butts couldn’t find any Mad Dog 20-20, so they sat down with four bottles of Little Kings Creamy Brew and drank them in rapid succession.

Celeste was nervously waiting in her room when Chick Starley knocked on the door. After Chick got over the initial shock of realizing she could see, Celeste tried to shoo him out of her room. Chick showed her the letter, explaining “You sent it to my manager, Erich Mees.” Celeste denied having written the letter. Chick tried to use the patented Starley charm on Celeste, but it had no effect on her. Finally, Celeste offered to fix Chick up with her sister Sandra.

Dennis was shopping for wedding gifts with Bert. After buttering up Bert with some flattery, Dennis asked to be the best man. When Bert explained that he’d given that position to Cecil, Dennis threw a tantrum and started tossing things around. Dennis launched into a heated, emotional rant, and Bert responded with a calm, cool-headed threat. Dennis then asked “And who will feed upon YOUR carcass when you’re dead?”

Cecil was at the front desk when a tearful 111x9 came by. Being the Chosen One, Cecil knew that Dr. Buddy had thrown 111x9 out. Cecil initially gloated over 111x9’s misfortune (not to mention the head wound from when Cecil shot him last week), but his heart softened when 111x9 told him all he wanted was a little love. Cecil reassured 111x9 that Dr. Buddy was going to die soon, then he invited the boy to be the ring-bearer at the wedding.

Colonel Buttry Butts met Dr. Buddy, who mistook him for Mad Dog. After Col. Butts explained that he was Mad Dog’s brother, Dr. Buddy introduced himself as Mad Dog’s lover. The Colonel was dismayed to learn that his brother had been a “man-kisser.” Upset by Col. Butts’ homophobic attitude, Buddy exchanged some heated words with him. Finally, Dr. Buddy pulled out his lightsaber, and Col. Butts raised his cane in defense.

Cecil was waiting in the lounge when Dr. Weeds arrived. Dr. Weeds suddenly pulled a gun, explaining to Cecil that this would surely ruin Bert’s big day. Weeds fired five times, but Cecil was totally unaffected. Weeds realized that Cecil was indeed the Chosen One, and dropped to his knees in awe. Cecil explained to Weeds that he had foreseen Weeds’ disruption of the wedding, and that he approved. Just then, everybody arrived to begin the ceremony. As Bert was thanking the guests, Chick Starley came in. Consumed by jealous fury, Bert demanded to know what Chick was doing there. Dr. Weeds revealed that he had sent the letter inviting Chick. Bert ordered Cecil to kill Dr. Weeds, but Cecil shot Bert instead. Just then, Celeste began walking up the aisle. Gravely wounded but determined to go through with the wedding, Bert got to his feet and staggered up the aisle as Sandra began the ceremony. Suddenly, Dr. Buddy and Colonel Butts charged in, still engaged in their swordfight.

TO BE CONTINUED…