Season 5, Episode 25: The Long Good Friday

Episode 25: The Long Good Friday

Since Will McGotnuthin had left town with his sisters, Constance Snell was teaching the class about Good Friday (despite her own lack of education). Titsy McJugpuddles entered and panicked at the sight of Constance (remembering their vicious catfight from Episode 22). Constance was surprised that Titsy was still going on about that incident. Constance explained that she had found Jesus, let go of the past, and forgiven Titsy for stealing the bar.

TITSY: “So what you’re saying is, you forgive me for repeatedly mashing my face into your fists?”

Titsy eventually forgave Constance, and they hugged. The embrace went on longer than was comfortable.

Brigham Young returned from Utah and paid a visit to the general store. Jesus Christ emerged from the restroom and was surprised by how much Brigham had changed. For Brigham, 40 years had passed, while only a few weeks had gone by in Little One Point. Jesus told Brigham that He needed to hide, because bad things always happen to Him on Good Friday. Brigham offered to help Jesus hide (“I have 27 wives. No one knows more about disguises than me”), if Jesus would help Brigham get his son back.

Trapper Jean was lounging around, forcing the mind-controlled Roswell Diabolicus to wait on him hand and foot. Jean ordered Roswell to change the baby’s diapers, but Roswell did such a bad job that Jean decided to do it himself. As he undressed the baby, he discovered the words “Love” and “Hate” written on the baby’s bottom.

Madeline Clementine and her brother, Ass Masterson, were still recuperating from the shock of the McGotnuthin sisters robbing them and raping Ass. Madeline told Ass that she needed his help reclaiming her badge from Roswell Diabolicus. Ass was somewhat distracted because he felt naked without his hat.

Jesus Christ paid a visit to Constance Snell, who has distraught over the strange feelings she’d developed when Titsy hugged her. She thought that perhaps becoming mayor would keep her too busy for these homosexual urges. Jesus told her that He didn’t object to anybody being gay, as long as they had love and not just lust in their hearts. He also offered to help her throw a campaign fund-raiser, supplying wine, loaves and fishes for refreshments.

Brigham Young went to the bar and met Titsy McJugpuddles. He asked Titsy to help him spread the word of Mormonism by using her feminine charms to lure converts. Titsy feared that she wouldn’t be accepted, but Brigham urged her to follow her heart. Brigham balanced a Bible on Titsy’s breasts, and she was amazed by how right it felt.

Constance and Trapper Jean held a debate at City Hall. Constance told the voters that Little One Point needed a mayor who knows the city, speaks the language, and didn’t kill the previous mayor. Trapper Jean reminded everybody that, as far as they knew, Hop Hop simply left town. He then argued that Constance shouldn’t be mayor because she’s a woman, and women can’t even vote. Constance turned the all-male voter pool to her advantage by promising free blowjobs if she’s elected.

Having been brought up on her family history, the amnesiac Madeline paid a visit to her biological father, Roswell Diabolicus. As they conversed, Madeline snatched the badge away from him. As she congratulated herself on her feat, Roswell shot her in the foot.

Brigham and Titsy were having a conversation over ice cream. She confessed that “Titsy McJugpuddles” was a stage name, and that her real name was Irina Perogies. He asked her if she’d thought about a future beyond her fan-dancing days, and she remembered the decrepit old women she’s seen in the old fan-dancers’ home. Brigham assured her that she didn’t have to end up like that, then proposed to her.

TITSY: “You’d want to marry a lesbian?”
BRIGHAM: “I’ve ALWAYS wanted to.”

Ass Masterson and Jesus (disguised as Little Red Riding Hood) were putting up flyers for Constance’s campaign. In the process, Ass accidentally nailed Jesus’ hand to the wall. Jesus reassured Ass that it wasn’t Ass’ fault…that this sort of thing always happens on Good Friday, and that He always comes back more powerful than before..

Constance Snell was taking a nap, with visions of Titsy dancing in her dreams. Wracked with guilt when she awoke, Constance prayed for guidance. God told her she already had all the knowledge she needed to make her decision…she just had to follow her heart.

Roswell Diabolicus was working at the general store when Brigham came back to reclaim the baby. Roswell engaged in some elaborate speculation about Brigham’s advanced age, but Brigham suggested that he not think too hard about it. Roswell handed over the baby, warning Brigham that Jean would be upset. Roswell then pointed out the baby’s “Masterson birthmark.” These words on the child’s cheeks meant that the baby was destined to display his ass proudly and be invulnerable, just as Ass Masterson went around pantsless and survived a gunfight without flinching. As Brigham took his son in his arms, he realized that Roswell had committed a good, selfless act. Brigham assured Roswell that he could repent and earn forgiveness from God. Roswell put his hand on the Bible, and Brigham and Roswell spoke in one voice to pray for salvation.

After the election, Madeline counted the ballots, with Jean looking on to assure an accurate count. In the end, the ballots came out to a tie, so Madeline polled the crowd to vote for their candidate by applause. Constance was narrowly elected, but as she began her victory speech, Jean warned her “Remember what happened to Lincoln.”

TO BE CONTINUED…

Season 5, Episode 24: Enter (and Exit) the Kissing Bandit

Episode 24: Enter (and Exit) the Kissing Bandit

Will McGotnuthin dismissed his class, telling the children that he may not be around to teach them anymore, since his sisters had come to town. As the kids left, Crab and Carnita McGotnuthin entered and confronted their brother. They lectured him about his leaving them to rot in jail…then handed him a script. Whether he liked it or not, he was joining the family Shakespeare troupe again…mainly because Crab was sick of playing all the men’s parts.

Madeline Clementine wandered on the outskirts of town. Though she was still suffering from amnesia, her horrible facial wounds had been repaired by the herbal remedies of the old Indian woman She-Heals-So-Good. Suddenly, Jesus Christ came by, riding on the Easter Bunny. They discussed her amnesia, and Madeline admitted that her loss of memory had filled her with a sense of purpose to find out both her own identity and that of her true love. Jesus explained that her amnesia was a blessing in disguise, since it had rid her of all her emotional baggage.

Constance Snell was starstruck after meeting the McGotnuthin sisters. She told them that she had done some performing of her own, and gave them a sample of her stand-up comedy act. They invited her to join their troupe.

In an attempt to add more variety to her fan-dancing act, Titsy McJugpuddles was practicing the “Who’s on First” routine with Ass Masterson. Suddenly, a mysterious masked stranger entered. He announced that he was the notorious Kissing Bandit, and that his kiss reveals the heart’s desires. He kissed Titsy, who immediately broke into song (something about becoming half-fish). The Bandit then kissed Ass Masterson, who revealed that his heart’s desire was to be an uncle (“all the joys of parenthood without all the bitching & moaning”).

In Madeline’s absence, Roswell Diabolicus had appointed himself sheriff. Mayor Trapper Jean came to his door, campaigning for re-election. Roswell noticed Jean’s new upbeat personality, but Jean feebly claimed that he was still the same old evil Jean. Roswell suggested that Jean prove his evilness by signing an affidavit confessing to killing Hop Hop. Jean refused to sign, but did admit his guilt in the presence of the baby…who, besides being invulnerable, could also record and play back anything he heard. As sheriff, Roswell arrested Trapper Jean. Knowing that no ordinary cell could hold Jean, Roswell announced that he had designed a special “Trapper Keeper.”

The McGotnuthin family and Constance were rehearsing their show. As Will and Apollonia practiced a love scene, Apollonia went off script and revealed that she truly did feel a forbidden love for her brother. Everybody in the room was freaked out by this revelation, but before they could discuss it, the Kissing Bandit entered and started kissing everyone. One by one, they revealed their deepest wishes. Crab wanted to go to New York and work with the greatest actor of all: John Wilkes Booth. Apollonia wanted to stop robbing & raping every man she met, and just settle down and rape the same man every night. Carnita wanted to stop wandering from town to town, and to establish a permanent Shakespeare festival in Atlanta. And Constance just wanted to see Carnita’s breasts pop out of her bodice.

Trapper Jean was struggling to escape from the binder that shackled his hands. (“If you think these chains can bind me…you’re pretty much correct.”) Suddenly, the Kissing Bandit arrived and kissed Jean. Jean realized that his true heart’s desire was to continue his evil ways, and that he was only fooling himself by trying to reform. Filled with a renewed sense of purpose, Jean burst free from the Trapper Keeper and swore revenge on Roswell.

Will McGotnuthin was packing up his belongings when he looked out the window and saw Madeline Clementine wandering in the street. He rushed out and hurriedly explained that the Kissing Bandit had made him realize that his heart’s desire was to be with her, but he CAN’T be with her or else his sisters would kill her, so he had to run away for her own protection. He then rushed off before Madeline could explain about her amnesia or ask him who he was.

MADELINE: “I feel a tremendous sense of loss, but its source is unclear to me.”

Jesus Christ and Ass Masterson had just finished constructing the stage for the McGotnuthins’ performance. Suddenly, Trapper Jean ran across the stage.

ASS: “Well, we know it can withstand the running of a man.”
JESUS: “But can it withstand Shakespearean acting?”
ASS: “NOTHING can withstand Shakespearean acting.”

Roswell Diabolicus was in the sheriff’s office, contemplating what he would do with his authority. He came up with a plan to arrest everybody in town, appoint himself mayor, and then secede from the Union. With Little One Point as his own sovereign nation, and with the power of the Rhode Island Cannon, Roswell would soon dominate the world. Suddenly, the Kissing Bandit rushed in and kissed Roswell (his most passionate kiss yet). Roswell realized that all his evil plans were just a cry for the attention he desired…the attention that his brother, Jesus Christ, always got. Roswell then informed the Kissing Bandit that he had one more desire… “Your brains as wallpaper!” With that, Roswell shot the Kissing Bandit.

Seeking revenge on Roswell, Trapper Jean was running to Castle Gayskull in slow-motion. He passed by Titsy’s Place and decided to stop in for a slow-motion quickie. Titsy (still in slow-motion) explained that she’d realized she preferred the intimate company of women. This only got Trapper Jean even more turned on.

Roswell Diabolicus was randomly shooting people in the street when Trapper Jean ran up at normal speed. Roswell tried to raise his gun to defend himself, but dropped it. Jean grabbed Roswell’s gun and declared that, with Roswell out of the way, now HE would carry out all of Roswell’s evil plans. Roswell pointed out that Jean probably couldn’t kill him, since he’d survived so many seemingly certain-death situations. Jean explained that he wasn’t going to kill him…he was simply going to shoot him with the mind-control bullets that Roswell himself had invented!

As the Shakespeare festival ended, the McGotnuthin sisters drew their weapons to hold up the audience. Madeline and Jesus pled with Will not to go through with it, but he couldn’t defy his sisters. After the rape & robbery were complete, the McGotnuthins made their escape with Will in tow as part of the gang again.

TO BE CONTINUED…

Season 5, Episode 23: The Georgia Shakespeare Festival

Episode 23: The Georgia Shakespeare Festival

With the election coming up, Sheriff Madeline Clementine tried to persuade Will McGotnuthin to run for mayor. She assured him that his shady past with his sisters’ criminal Shakespeare troupe was a safe secret, since the only other person who knew (Brigham Young) had left town. Will was comforted by her reassurance…until he discovered a flyer announcing the arrival of the McGotnuthin Family Shaxspur Jubilee.

Titsy McJugpuddles was doing a lap-fan-dance as part of a private party for Roswell Diabolicus. Roswell stopped her, partly because he wasn’t attracted to the 6-foot Titsy, but mostly so that they could talk business. Impressed by Titsy’s ambition in taking over the saloon, Roswell wanted her to take Trapper Jean’s place as his new partner-in-crime. To seal the deal, Roswell demonstrated what a lap-dance is SUPPOSED to look like.

Jesus Christ and Ass Masterson were playing checkers, but Jesus could sense that Ass was troubled. Ass explained that he wanted to fulfill his father’s last wish by giving his dad’s lover, Roswell Diabolicus, an operation to make Roswell a complete woman. Jesus suggested that Ass would better serve his father’s memory by planting a tree in his name. Ass confessed that he didn’t know his father’s name, but simply called him “Sir.” Jesus suggested that Ass open a Christmas tree farm and name it “Sir’s Firs.”

Trapper Jean was at the bar, preparing his re-election acceptance speech, when the McGotnuthin sisters (Carnita, Apollonia, and Crab) entered. Jean couldn’t help but gawk and ogle at the beautiful sisters.

CARNITA: “My eyes are up here.”
JEAN: “Well, I am not interested in your eyes.”

After they explained about their Shakespeare festival, Jean suggested that he might sponsor it, since being a patron of the arts would help his image for the election. Carnita turned down his offer. Impressed (and aroused) by her severe manner, Jean agreed to give them the best suite in the hotel, then explained an elaborate password procedure. Crab took Carnita aside and confessed that she had misgivings about their plans to rob the audience and rape the men at the end of the show.

After a long day of baby-sitting, Madeline came to the general store to return the baby to Roswell Diabolicus’ dubious care. She noticed that Roswell had built a separate stockroom, so that the cases of dynamite would no longer have to be kept in the classroom with the children. Roswell admitted that he had developed a bit more concern for others since he started taking care of the baby. In turn, Madeline confessed that she had fallen in love with Will McGotnuthin. Roswell approved of their relationship, but urged Madeline to dissuade Will from running for mayor. He explained that the power of office would corrupt Will, and that he was only thinking of her happiness. Madeline was reluctant to accept this explanation, so Roswell switched tactics and started beating her with the baby.

Titsy McJugpuddles showed Carnita McGotnuthin to her room. Titsy was upset that the Shakespeare festival would be stealing the spotlight from her fan-dance act, and was also jealous that Carnita had attracted Trapper Jean’s attention. However, Carnita suggested that they could join forces to play Trapper Jean for all he’s worth. And to make sure the money keeps coming in, they needed to make sure Jean stays in office.

Will McGotnuthin had just finished teaching the children about llamas (“Never forget… they spit!”), when Roswell Diabolicus entered disguised as Madeline Clementine. Roswell/Madeline urged Will to drop out of the mayoral race, launching into an impassioned, twisted speech about the dangers of power. Being completely whipped, Will agreed to do as “she” said.

Meanwhile, the real Madeline regained consciousness. Ass Masterson passed by, dragging a tree behind him, when he noticed that his sister had been badly disfigured. When he asked what had happened, he discovered that Madeline was now suffering from amnesia.

Trapper Jean was explaining his mayoral campaign to Crab McGotnuthin. Crab was intrigued by the political process, explaining that in Shakespeare’s plays, power was seized by assassination. Jean replied that that was precisely what he had done, by shooting Hop Hop and declaring himself mayor. Jean asked Crab for a sample of Shakespeare, and she recited the “What a piece of work is man” speech from “Hamlet.” Moved to tears, Jean realized that he had lost touch with his own humanity, shielding himself behind his guns and pelts. Jean resolved to turn over a new leaf and run his campaign on a strong moral stand. Crab advised him not to mention his killing the former mayor.

Jesus Christ and Apollonia McGotnuthin were discussing their favorite rabbit recipes, and realized they had a lot in common. Apollonia offered Jesus a rose. When Jesus pointed out that she’d given him two roses, she broke down in embarrassment and confessed that she didn’t know how to count. Jesus taught her math, and in return, she taught him about Shakespeare. They performed the balcony scene from “Romeo & Juliet,” and Jesus went way off script. Just as they were about to kiss, Will McGotnuthin walked by and was stunned to find himself face-to-face with his twin sister once again. Will urged Apollonia to come clean about her criminal activities.

WILL: “Go on, confess to Jesus! That’s what he’s for!”
JESUS: “Hey, I’d like to think that’s not ALL I’m here for…”

Apollonia admitted that she and her sisters always rob and rape the audience after each performance. Jesus was shocked that Apollonia would do such a thing. (“I don’t even know you anymore!”) Feeling hurt and betrayed, Jesus walked away.

APOLLONIA: “Every time I meet a nice guy, THIS happens!”

TO BE CONTINUED…

Season 5, Episode 22: St. Jubal's Day Jubilee

Episode 22: St. Jubal’s Day Jubilee

Will McGotnuthin returned to the school to discover that Titsy McJugpuddles, acting as substitute teacher, had misunderstood the Montessori system and was letting the children do whatever they wanted. She explained that she was trying to avoid the mistakes of her own repressive childhood, which led her to the degraded life of a fan-dancer, prostitute, and worst of all, a cleaning woman. Sympathizing, Will agreed to keep her on as an assistant teacher as long as she stops sending the children out into blizzards.

Having been gravely wounded in her gunfight with Roswell Diabolicus, Sheriff Madeline Clementine was being patched up by Constance Snell. Constance started going on about the lawlessness of the city, and her voice took on a preaching quality. She explained that she felt the presence of Jesus in her (and Jesus appeared behind her to illustrate the point), urging her to save Little One Point. She started to sing.

After going through two gunfights in quick succession, Roswell Diabolicus was now a severed head, kept alive by his Diabolitank. Jesus Christ appeared and ordered Roswell to bow his head (which Roswell couldn’t do, of course). Then Jesus brightened up, explaining that the Old Testament act was just a St. Jubal’s Day prank. Jesus was impressed by Roswell’s Diabolitank, and asked him several questions about how it worked. Roswell grew irritated by this digression, and brought the conversation around to the principle of forgiveness. Jesus explained that He would forgive any sin if the sinner asked for redemption. Roswell belligerently asked Jesus to forgive him and restore his body. Jesus refused, since He knew that Roswell’s plea was not motivated by sincere remorse. Jesus told Roswell he needed to find the love within himself to earn forgiveness.

Trapper Jean and Ass Masterson were preparing a float for the St. Jubal’s Day parade. Carelessly swinging around Constance’s baby, Jean explained that he had stolen the baby by catching it in a bear-trap baited with pudding (“But if you have been watching ‘Scandal,’ you would know the baby is indestructible”). Jean told Ass that he wanted to give the baby a special St. Jubal’s Day. Ass remembered his first St. Jubal’s Day, when the woman he loved pulled a prank on his heart by leaving him. Jean enlisted Ass’ help in pulling off the greatest St. Jubal’s Day prank of all.

Titsy McJugpuddles was going over her plans for “Titsy’s Place” when Constance tried to enter (and found her key wouldn’t open the door). When Titsy explained that she had taken over the saloon, Constance thought it was just an elaborate St. Jubal’s Day prank. When Constance realized that Titsy was serious, she refused to give up the saloon. Constance and Titsy each tried to kick the other out, and the confrontation soon escalated into a full-scale catfight. Trapper Jean arrived and sat down to watch the action.

Will and Madeline were building a St. Jubal’s Day float while Madeline brought Will up to date on what had happened while he was still in Cumming. Will offered his sympathies for Madeline’s wounds, then told her “I like a woman with scars.” Madeline realized that Will had scars, too…internal, emotional scars. They kissed passionately.

Roswell Diabolicus was working at the general store when Ass Masterson entered. Roswell was amazed that Ass had apparently gotten through their gunfight without a scratch. Ass explained that all of Roswell’s bullets were still inside him…that’s just how tough he was. Ass revealed that he had a secret to tell Roswell. After much prodding, Ass informed Roswell that the reason Ass’ father had been panning for gold (just before his untimely end) was to save up for an operation to make the hermaphroditic Roswell a complete woman. Yes, Ass’ father was Roswell’s lover. Because Ass respected his father’s love, he forgave Roswell. Suddenly, Jesus appeared and told Roswell that he’d finally found that spark of love inside himself. Jesus healed Roswell and restored his body.

Titsy McJugpuddles was grumbling about her dress getting ripped in the fight with Constance. Jesus Christ appeared and took her to task for her language. Titsy demanded to know why Jesus hadn’t intervened in the fight, and Jesus pointed out that Constance had won because she was in the right. Jesus scolded Titsy for trying to take over the bar that Constance had worked her whole life to build. Titsy cried that she just wanted to be the greatest, most celebrated fan-dancer in the world. (“Well then, FAN-DANCE! Don’t steal bars!”) Jesus conjured a stage for her to dance on. Tearing off her dress to reveal a skimpy, sparkly outfit underneath, Titsy put on the greatest fan-dancing show of her life. Trapper Jean arrived and was awestruck by the spectacle. Jean was now even more turned on than he was by the catfight. Jesus suggested that Jean become Titsy’s manager and lead her to stardom, using his cunning for good instead of evil. Constance entered, and Titsy tearfully urged Jean to shoot her. Jesus attempted to make peace, but Jean refused to listen. Jean explained that he did not believe in Jesus, so Jesus had no power over him. In response, Jesus proved his power by bringing Jean’s skunk-skin cap back to life. The enraged skunk attacked Jean.

Later that day, the St. Jubal’s Day parade finally got underway. Madeline and Will rode their float, while Ass Masterson and Constance dragged Jean’s body through the street. Jesus noted that Jean’s death was putting a damper on the festivities. Titsy tearfully cried that Jesus had killed Jean, but Jesus protested that Jean’s death was the skunk’s doing. Roswell Diabolicus urged Madeline to arrest Jesus for murder. Madeline didn’t want to arrest the Savior, but Jesus told her that He’d accepted His fate. Suddenly, Roswell shouted “Happy St. Jubal’s Day!” Roswell and Ass hadn’t forgiven each other after all…it was just a prank to get Jesus to heal Roswell. What’s more, Trapper Jean was all right…he’d only been playing dead as his own prank, and Jesus had fallen for it completely! Everybody laughed, and Jesus declared this to be the greatest St. Jubal’s Day ever.

TO BE CONTINUED…

Season 5, Episode 21: The Devil Went Down to Georgia

Episode 21: The Devil Went Down to Georgia

As a snowstorm raged outside, Sheriff Madeline Clementine read her father’s journal. Sensing she was troubled, Jesus Christ paid her a visit. She admitted that she was puzzled by the journal’s revelation that there is “another Clementine.” She was both thrilled and apprehensive about the possibility of having a long-lost sibling. She explained that, since she grew up with three brothers (now sheriffs in other towns) and without a mother, she grew up without any feminine influence and had to learn ladylike behavior from magazines. Jesus speculated that the “other Clementine” might refer to Madeline’s true inner self.

Since Will McGotnuthin hadn’t gotten back from Cumming yet, Titsy McJugpuddles was teaching the children about female anatomy. As she dismissed class due to the snowstorm, Trapper Jean strutted in, filled with renewed self-confidence. Titsy told Jean that she was not a one-man woman, but Jean replied that he could be more than one man if she wanted. Titsy pressured Jean to get her the saloon so that she could turn it into a man-dancing emporium and shopping center.

Ass Masterson wandered back into town. As Constance led him to his room at the hotel, Ass told her his life story. Years ago, Ass’ father gave his sheriff’s badge to his only daughter, causing his sons to split up. Ass wandered out into the desert, stripped off his clothes and dug himself a hole…but now he’s come out of the hole and come back to town. Constance was slightly disconcerted by Masterson’s bare-assed nature, but decided to overlook it. She told Ass that she’d just gotten a brand new vagina that “hadn’t been opened yet.” He offered to help her unwrap that present.

At Castle Gayskull, Roswell Diabolicus huddled against the cold. Suddenly, he was struck by an inspiration: By firing the Rhode Island Cannon at Florida and setting the state ablaze, the northbound winds would carry the warmth to him. Roswell did so, gleefully listening to the destruction of Florida.

Hewitt P. Quagmire went to see Trapper Jean in the mayor’s office. Jean begged for more of Quagmire’s miraculous elixir, which looked different this time. (“It looks different EVERY time!”) Quagmire warned him that the elixir had a new price: someday, Quagmire will ask a favor, and Jean must do as he asks. (“Think of the multiple plot points I can set up.”) Jean accepted.

At the bar, Constance was stocking up in a snowstorm panic when Madeline arrived, followed shortly by Ass Masterson. Madeline and Ass recognized each other as their long-lost siblings, and they had a heartfelt reunion. Ass confessed that he blamed himself for their father’s death. Their daddy was not killed in a vicious slapfight, as Madeline always believed. What actually happened was that Roswell Diabolicus blew up the carriage that Ass was supposed to be coming home in, and their father witnessed the explosion and had a heart attack. Madeline reassured Ass that their daddy’s death wasn’t Ass’ fault. Madeline swore revenge on Roswell, and this time she REALLY meant it.

Basking in the heat from the Great Florida Fire, Roswell Diabolicus checked the synopsis writer’s notes to find out what was going on elsewhere in town. So, when Madeline arrived, he was ready for her. She confronted him about his part in her father’s death, and he admitted it. (“To you, it was a tragic event…to me, it was Tuesday.”) Madeline and Roswell started shooting it out, and eventually both lay motionless on the floor.

Hewitt P. Quagmire strolled along the beach that had formed since Florida’s destruction. Jesus Christ walked by and healed a fallen palm tree. Jesus complimented Quagmire on his hairstyle.

QUAGMIRE: “My hair is like my life…full and sexy in the front, short and wanting in the back.”

Quagmire offered Jesus a sample of his formula. Taking a sniff, Jesus remarked that the elixir smelled of sulfur, death, and darkness…but he took a swig anyway. Jesus’ stigmata suddenly healed, but his memory started fading away.

Titsy McJugpuddles proudly surveyed her new saloon, since Trapper Jean had turned it over to her. Wandering troubadour Slim Talley entered, looking for a job as Titsy’s musical accompaniment. He auditioned by playing a flamenco number while Titsy danced. She agreed to hire him if he didn’t reveal the secret of her fake breasts. The scene was interrupted by Trapper Jean’s handsomeness.

Roswell Diabolicus limped his way over to Ass Masterson, blaming him for his disfiguring injury. (“The heat from the bullet permanently fused my hand to my foot!”) Ass told Roswell that, unless he found the strength to rip his hand free, Roswell was going to die. Roswell demanded that Ass apologize for getting him into this predicament, and Ass started laughing hysterically until Roswell pulled out his gun. Ass and Roswell started shooting it out, and eventually both lay motionless on the floor.

Drifting in and out of amnesia, Jesus Christ wandered the streets of Little One Point in a daze. His Father and the Holy Spirit (also known as Percy) warned Jesus that Hewitt P. Quagmire was “the man of a thousand lies.” (“Lon Chaney?”) Quagmire arrived and admitted that he was, in fact, Satan. Quagmire bragged that this sinful city had strengthened him even as it weakened Jesus. Undaunted, Jesus challenged Quagmire to a slapfight. If Quagmire wins, Atlanta would be his. If Jesus wins, Quagmire would flee to Austin, Texas. The fight began, and Jesus easily defeated Quagmire. Slim Talley entered and sang a song about Jesus’ triumph. (“Well, the devil bowed his head ’cause he knew that he’d been beat…”)

TO BE CONTINUED…

Season 5, Episode 20: Quagmire's Miracle Elixir

Episode 20: Quagmire’s Miracle Elixir

Sheriff Madeline Clementine was going over some paperwork when self-appointed Mayor Trapper Jean entered, distraught over Titsy McJugpuddles’ walking out on him.

MADELINE: “If you hadn’t treated me as shabbily as that woman treated you, you might find some sympathy here.”

Jean wanted to declare Tuesdays “Titsy McJugpuddles Day” to win her back, but Madeline advised him that desperation and pity wouldn’t get her…self-confidence would. Jean tried to put on his old brave face, but couldn’t.

Jesus Christ came back to town to help Constance take care of the baby. Constance confessed that she couldn’t handle the stress of parenthood, but mentioned that she’d invented a new kind of baby food by grinding peanuts into a butter-like consistency (and that she’d sent the recipe to her friend George Washington Carver). Constance cried that she wanted to put her vagina back in and start enjoying herself again. Jesus advised her to be true to herself and do what was best for her.

Titsy McJugpuddles went to the schoolhouse as class let out. She explained to Will that she wanted to resume her education and needed a tutor. Will showed her the Book of Knowledge, and she flirtatiously asked him to read the definition of “pleasure.” Too distracted to teach, Will told Titsy that she was “carbonating his hormones,” then invited her out. Titsy replied that they could just stay in instead.

Traveling medicine-show salesman Hewitt P. Quagmire walked into town and entered the general store. Meeting Roswell Diabolicus, Hewitt diagnosed him with artichoke lips and pelican skin, then recommended Quagmire’s Snakeskin Ointment as treatment. Hewitt offered him a free sample sip, though the price would be jacked up considerably after that. Roswell took a sip, then collapsed behind the counter, gasping. Seconds later, Roswell re-emerged…young, beardless, and prepared to pay any price for more ointment.

Madeline Clementine and Will McGotnuthin took off on the road to Cumming, in search of Madeline’s father’s journal. After singing a trail song, they stopped to rest. The horses whined until Will whipped his into submission. Madeline tried to tell Will about her attraction to him, but the conversation kept getting disrupted by the distracting noise of furry-headed crickets.

Constance Snell went to Castle Gayskull to try to get child-support payments from Roswell Diabolicus. Constance was very surprised when the now-youthful Roswell opened the door. He explained that his miraculous transformation wasn’t brought on by any of his own experiments, but by Hewitt P. Quagmire’s elixir. Constance was so awestruck that she almost forgot why she came in the first place. As she asked for money, Roswell suddenly started aging again and pooped his pants.

At the bar, Titsy McJugpuddle met Jesus and introduced herself as the town’s new erotic fan-dancer. Jesus reminisced about his friend John, whose head was cut off by an erotic dancer. Titsy demonstrated her dance moves. Jesus observed that her dance would probably be more effective if she actually took some clothes off. He advised her that her dance shouldn’t be about what she thinks men want, but about what makes her feel good.

Constance Snell was tending bar and playing with the baby when Hewitt P. Quagmire entered. Remembering Roswell’s transformation, Constance gave him a drink on the house and offered him a free room in exchange for Quagmire’s Snakeskin Ointment. After Constance took a sip, her hair suddenly became shorter and less brassy. She then gave a sip to the baby, who started speaking in an urbane, vaguely European accent. The baby offered to take care of the saloon while Constance and Hewitt went out together.

Back at Castle Gayskull, Roswell’s bushy eyebrows had grown back as the formula slowly wore off (though his beard hadn’t come back yet). Trapper Jean came to the castle to ask Roswell’s advice on restoring his self-confidence. Roswell reminded Jean of his prowess in killing animals, and Jean proudly reminisced about some of his favorite kills…Mr. Toesy the bobcat, Robespierre the ferret, Hop Hop the mayor… Jean’s happy memories prompted Roswell to recall some of his own evil deeds, including the plan to destroy the world with the Rhode Island Cannon.

Will and Madeline arrived in Cumming. Consulting the map Hop Hop had left them, they soon found her father’s journal. Inside, they found her father’s last letter to Madeline. He wrote that he had found gold and was afraid for his life, and that he planned on appointing his daughter as his successor. Madeline was thrilled to learn that her father’s dying act, pinning his badge on her, was a deliberate choice and not a confused, delirious mistake. The letter revealed that there was one other Clementine child that she didn’t know about. Unfortunately, Madeline’s father was interrupted and killed before he could finish the letter and reveal the secret. Awestruck, Madeline vowed to set out and discover her lost sibling. Will promised to accompany her, and demonstrated his devotion by giving her a furry-headed cricket as a pet.

That night, at the bar, the whole town had gathered to see Titsy McJugpuddles’ debut performance. Trapper Jean had dressed up for the occasion in his Foreign Legion uniform. As Titsy danced, Hewitt P. Quagmire offered Jean a sip of Quagmire’s Snakeskin Ointment to cure his heartbreak and restore his confidence. Revitalized, Jean strode forward and started dancing with Titsy.

TO BE CONTINUED…

Season 5, Episode 19: Exit Brigham, Enter Titsy

Episode 19: Exit Brigham, Enter Titsy

Brigham Young and Will McGotnuthin buried Judge X, eliminating the only other person who knew about Will’s past. And now that Will’s secret was safe, Brigham was finally going to leave town, as he’d been promising to do for several weeks now.

WILL: “You’re a man of your word, Brigham Young…eventually.”

Despite their past as enemies, Will and Brigham had come to respect and like each other…so much so that Brigham asked Will to help raise his son. Brigham suggested that Will pass himself off as Brigham to the baby, so the baby won’t know the difference if Brigham ever comes back.

Madeline was looking for her father’s journal, when her search was interrupted by Roswell Diabolicus. Roswell explained that, before he resorts to destroying the world, he was going to give the law a chance to help him reclaim the baby. Madeline pointed out that, although Roswell did technically give birth to the child, he was using Constance’s vagina, and thus was only a surrogate. She agreed to see what she could do, if Roswell would help her find the journal. Roswell warned her that she might not like the answers contained therein.

Having escaped from jail, Trapper Jean returned to the mayor’s office. Suddenly, a mysterious and voluptuous woman entered, introducing herself as the celebrated erotic fan dancer Titsy McJugpuddles. Jean asked her to prove her identity with a sample of her dancing, then invited her to dinner.

Madeline went to see Constance Snell to try to work out some kind of joint-custody deal for the baby (which Constance still hadn’t named yet). As Madeline talked about the importance of family, Constance was haunted by the painful memory of her own family being killed by bees. Constance explained that she was keeping the baby with her at all times, even when she goes about her business at the bar. Madeline was shocked by the bad example Constance was setting. Suddenly, the baby said his first words: “Bourbon.”

Roswell Diabolicus was working at the store when Trapper Jean came in to buy some flowers for his date with Titsy. Roswell sold him some maize for 15 cents, but offered to let him have it on credit if Jean would help him steal the baby.

JEAN: “You want me to help you steal a baby for 15 cents of credit? What’s the APR?”

Outside Little One Point, Brigham Young had just started making his way to Utah when he ran into the Mexican wanderer Dirty Sanchez. When Brigham explained that Jesus had sent him on a holy mission to Utah, Sanchez was amazed that Brigham spoke to Christ. Brigham demonstrated by starting a conversation with Jesus, but Sanchez couldn’t hear Him. Nevertheless, Sanchez agreed to join Brigham on his journey.

Will came into the bar and saw the baby sitting on the bar as Constance poured the drinks. Constance explained that she was trying to teach the baby to tap-dance as an attraction to draw in customers. Shocked by her irresponsibility, Will explained that he had been appointed by Brigham to be the baby’s substitute father. This came as a surprise to Constance, who hadn’t known that Brigham had already left. Suddenly, Titsy McJugpuddles entered, looking for work as a dancer. Titsy confessed that she was worried that people might look down on her, and asked about the town’s moral standards. When the baby blurted out “bourbon,” Titsy knew she would fit right in.

On the road, Brigham Young and Dirty Sanchez got to know each other. Brigham showed Sanchez a stick he had made by grabbing a snake and transforming it. As Brigham discussed his mission to create the Mormons, they realized that he wouldn’t be able to do that without women.

Roswell Diabolicus begged Constance to let him hold the baby. (“I swear to God…a God that I do not believe in, nor do I care about…that I will give him right back.”) Constance relented and handed over the baby. Roswell grew increasingly frustrated that he would only say “Mama” and not “Papa,” until Constance snatched the baby back. Constance tried to explain the importance of family by telling Roswell about her parents’ deaths. Roswell recalled that they died about the same time he invented the beehive-launcher.

Trapper Jean and Titsy McJugpuddles enjoyed a romantic dinner at the Bridgetown Grill. Titsy explained that she had been thrown out of Jersey City for her “prurient” dancing, and Jean assured her that would never happen here, even if he had to rewrite the laws to eliminate any moral legislation. She asked Jean about his past as a war hero.

JEAN: “The war, she is a cruel goddess. She gives and she takes. Mostly, she gives death and takes life.”

Madeline and Will discussed the recent upheavals in Little One Point. Will was depressed because he had lost so many friends with Sam’s death, Brigham’s leaving, and Hop Hop’s disappearance. Suddenly, Will remembered a letter that Hop Hop had left with him a long time ago. In the letter, Hop Hop declared Will as his successor, and he also included a map to Madeline’s father’s journal…hidden in that den of iniquity known as Cumming, Georgia.

MADELINE: “Will you help me get to Cumming? ’Cause I need some help getting to Cumming.”

We saw a montage of Brigham and Sanchez on the road.

As the dinner date progressed and Jean and Titsy both got very drunk, they dove behind the bar to enjoy each other’s carnal charms. Two hours later, Titsy thanked Jean for a lovely evening and left. Jean was distraught by her departure…he had loved and left many women in his time, but never before had a woman left him. He felt used and dirty.

TO BE CONTINUED…