Season 9, Episode 5: Goodbye, Fish & Chips

Episode 5: Goodbye, Fish & Chips

Having gained possession of the Mustache of Authority, Prince Schmultan was flying over the moon’s surface searching for a volcano to destroy it. He felt the power of the mustache tempting him (and even began speaking in a Gollumesque voice), but resisted and managed to hurl the mustache into the Crack of Doom.

Having served his sentence for attempting to destroy the Earth, Stephan Fechet was released from the brig by Altair-9000. Stephan complained about his harsh treatment, asking why he wasn’t given a second chance to learn from his mistakes.

ALTAIR: “Stephan, you were in jail for nine days for singeing the entire Earth.”
STEPHAN: “Well, don’t that seem a little fuckin’ steep?”

Dr. Gaye Hoelikker had Gortex run the medical scanner over her fetus, explaining that she had developed an ectopic pregnancy…so ectopic, in fact, that the baby was growing in her thigh. Gortex marveled that this phenomenon was unheard of in Klingon society. He explained that Klingon semen is so potent, it cuts the female into five pieces, and those pieces become babies. Impressed by the Klingons’ emphasis on strong father figures, Gaye asked Gortex to be her child’s father.

Captain Flash Buckstar and hotshot gambler Peck Calhoun were bonding over a game of Twenty-One. Buckstar confessed that he no longer felt like a man since losing his mustache.

Prince Schmultan was in the docking bay, waiting for the shuttle from Earth and news of Tamborina. Much to his surprise, the passenger who emerged from the shuttle was Tamborina’s sister Harmonica. She had good news and bad news…Tamborina had survived the scorching of the Earth, but she was seeing another man. Relieved yet heartbroken, Schmultan asked Harmonica to have a drink with him.

After installing a new memory chip in Altair-9000, Captain Buckstar told the robot that he’d lost his confidence to lead. (“All great leaders have mustaches, like Stalin and Wilford Brimley!”) Altair suggested that Buckstar start a self-improvement course, and find the mustache in his heart.

Peck Calhoun met with Gortex to draw up a contract regarding Peck’s ownership of Gortex. Gortex related his history to Peck: He was on a Klingon surveyor study, when a Russian cosmonaut fired a missile at their craft, stranding him on the moon. Gortex was so shamed by this defeat that he could not contact his people until he redeems himself by taking control of the base. Peck told him that he could control anything with money, and offered to help.

PECK: “I’ve got the brains, you’ve got the brawn.”
GORTEX: “Let’s make lots of money?”
PECK: “Damn, you got bad taste in music.”

Running into Stephan as he went about his janitorial duties, Dr. Gaye Hoelikker launched into a Shakespearean soliloquy about his fall to such a lowly station. Stephan blamed her for his actions, claiming that he never would have taken the Mustache of Authority if not for the tonic she gave him.

Prince Schmultan had a dream of the Mustache of Authority flying around his head, tempting him. He refused, and began battling the mustache. When he awoke, he discovered that his room had been wrecked. (“No dream could have turned over furniture!”)

Taking over her sister’s club, Harmonica was auditioning new talent. Altair tried out as an impressionist. (“Here’s my Bill Cosby… ‘I’m wearing a sweater!’”) Despite his lack of talent, Harmonica hired him. Since he serves as the station’s ATM, Altair suggested that he simply retain his pay inside himself.

Flash Buckstar went to Dr. Hoelikker’s office, wearing a thick fake beard to restore his authority…but it was only a temporary measure. Gaye gave him a serum to restore his facial hair, though she warned him that it had the side effect of periodic, uncontrollable urges to sing. (“Hair and power always come at a price.”)

Having been selected Klingon Hunk of the Year, Gortex was getting some photos taken by Stephan, in a sexy “Blow Up”-style montage. Gortex told Stephan how much he respected him for attempting to destroy the Earth. Stephan explained that he’d simply wanted to free the Earth from the oppressors and give it back to the people. Gortex pointed out the flaw in Stephan’s plan…the oppressors ARE people.

Prince Schmultan was giving Peck Calhoun a tour of the moon. Peck revealed that his Texas-senses had detected that the moon’s center was made entirely of oil. He offered to buy the moon, assuring Schmultan that the drilling would do no harm to the moon or Schmultan’s people…except for a few that he might have to kill over religious differences.

In the bar, Stephan Fechet and Harmonica started a conversation, but they kept talking at cross-purposes and nothing much came of it except that Harmonica established that her necklace was the secret to the moon’s survival.

Dr. Gaye Hoelikker poured her tonic into one of Altair’s ports, instilling in him great ambition and a desire for Limburger cheese. With Altair firmly under her influence, she sent him out to kill Stephan.

Gortex and Schmultan were fishing in one of the moon’s canals. Unused to fly-fishing, Gortex explained the Klingon way of fishing: They hurl their ultra-powerful sperm into the water, killing the fish and causing them to float to the surface. When Schmultan remarked how disgusting that was, Gortex realized that he’d never really thought about it before. He immediately lost his taste for fish & chips.

In the casino, Flash Buckstar and Peck Calhoun proposed a game for the ultimate stakes. Peck put up his mustache, and Buckstar staked the base’s cache of weapons. Playing High-Low at ten paces, Buckstar drew a 9…but Peck drew an ace.

TO BE CONTINUED…