Season 9. Episode 4: Don't They Know It's the End of the World

Episode 4: Don’t They Know It’s the End of the World

Prince Schmultan of the Hawk-People met with the moonbase’s new self-appointed commander, Stephan Fechet…who promptly announced that he had destroyed the Earth. Understandably horrified, Schmultan pointed out that, without the Earth’s gravity, the moon would go drifting through space until it falls into the sun.

Having escaped from the brig, the deposed Captain Flash Buckstar and Gortex the Klingon attempted to get into the command center, but were thwarted by the changed passcodes.

Dmitri Turnankoff was drinking vodka with his wife Svetlana (the mysterious woman from last episode), apologizing for not recognizing her at first. He told her that he had gotten her two tickets for a pleasure cruise to Uranus, as a second honeymoon. She confessed that she had been sent by the KGB to kill him…but with the Earth destroyed, her mission now seemed pointless. Dmitri was shocked to hear the news of the Earth’s destruction, and even more shocked that she was so casual about it.

Professional gambler Peck Calhoun had come to the satellite for a few games, but was stunned when Altair informed him of the Earth’s destruction, then showed him the monitor to confirm it. Checking the monitors and computer systems, Calhoun discovered that the station’s illusion-ray had been aimed at the Earth. Relieved, Altair examined the system, then discovered that an illusion-ray had been fired on top of the illusion-ray.

Armageddon Uno called his secretary Sarah and discovered that the Earth had been destroyed. Nonplussed, he informed her that he was continuing with his plan to kill Dmitri Turnankoff. Overhearing his plan, Svetlana approached Uno and offered to help.

In the base’s Laundromat, Gortex asked Schmultan for assistance in getting into the command center. Schmultan offered to help him find an alternate route through the dangerous Worm-Tunnels of Glybesia…as soon as the laundry’s done.

Dmitri went to Stephan to request a vacation to Uranus, but Stephan informed him that he had Uranus slated for destruction next. Driven mad by the power of the Mustache of Authority, Stephan ordered Dmitri to assume some provocative boudoir poses.

Captain Buckstar approached Altair to figure out a solution to the moon’s drifting through space. Altair calculated that, if all the Hawk-People pooped in one direction simultaneously, it would allow them to steer the moon into a new orbit around Mars.

Armageddon Uno was working in the casino’s cashier booth when Peck Calhoun stopped by to pick up some chips. Calhoun confessed that he had built his life on his reputation as the greatest gambler on Earth…and with Earth gone, now he needed a new challenge. Uno offered to fly him to new planets to test his gambling skills…right after he finished his business there by killing Dmitri.

Summoning Altair to the command center, Stephan clarified that he hadn’t so much destroyed the Earth as he had burned it up, so the moon was in no danger of losing its orbit. Altair told him just how fucked-up that was, and Stephan agreed. Realizing that he was being corrupted by power, Stephan had a moment of clarity and turned the mustache over to Altair.

While Gortex was off exploring the tunnels, Schmultan read a letter from Tamborina. He learned that she had gone to Earth for a while to get her head together before she would be ready to start a relationship with him. Fearing the worst, Schmultan swore to avenge her fiery death, then shouted his fearsome multi-syllabic battle cry.

Dmitri and Svetlana were in bed together, and she tearfully complained that he didn’t think her attractive. They flashed back to their first meeting on the banks of the Volga river, then returned to the present. Dmitri explained that her looks didn’t matter to him, because he loved her for her inner beauty. She did not take it as a compliment. She then informed him that she had poisoned his dinner.

Peck Calhoun was playing solitaire when Gortex burst in. Peck exclaimed that he’d always wanted a Klingon of his very own, then offered to buy Gortex. Gortex revealed that there was one way to gain his servitude: He needed somebody with knowledge of the moonbase’s design to lead him to the command center.

Armageddon Uno burst into Dmitri’s quarters and found him lying curled up on the floor. Uno announced himself, and Dmitri remembered that his brother Yeltsin had called Armageddon Uno the only American pilot who was worth anything…before Uno killed him. Uno found himself unable to kill Dmitri in his helpless state, and offered to help him. He remembered that the antidote could be found only one place…in the mushrooms that grow on Planet Fred.

Stephan was alone in his office, rehearsing how he would tell Dr. Gaye Hoelikker that he had given up the Mustache of Authority. Suddenly, Gortex, Flash Buckstar, and Prince Schmultan all burst in simultaneously, looking for revenge. Stephan suddenly grabbed a stool like a steering wheel, declared “I’m a race-car driver!”, and fled. Using the Computron, Gortex determined that Altair had the mustache, so they called him in. They demanded the mustache, but Altair said that none of them were worthy of it. Altair attempted to swallow the mustache, but Gortex applied the Heimlich maneuver. Schmultan seized the mustache and flew away.

Armageddon Uno, Peck Calhoun, and Dmitri Turnankoff boarded Uno’s ship, The Warmonger, and set a course for Planet Fred to save Dmitri’s life.

CALHOUN: “I thought you were going to kill him.”
UNO: “It’s very complicated. You can read the notes next week.”

TO BE CONTINUED…