Episode 11: The Catacombs of Diabolical Nonsense
Commander Blanket used the station’s computers to contact the children of Retardo-Montalban 6, who were on tour promoting their record. He informed them that he had blown up their homeworld, but that his outreach program had gotten a $15,000 grant, which he would use to build them a new planet out of wood. While he was on-line, he also placed a bet on the Detroit Tigers at 999 to 1.
BLANKET: “I bet on retarded kids and they came through for me. The Tigers’ll do the same!”
Having removed the chip that Altair-9000 had implanted in him, Dwayne Tomagachi (a.k.a. Angus McMurder) had turned the tables and now had the robot under HIS control. After admiring the redesign job he had done on Altair’s new streamlined body, Dwayne told Altair the true story of his origin. Many years ago, a Scottish mercenary fell in love with a Japanese assassin. Dwayne and his brother Heinous McMurder were the offspring of that union. Dwayne and Altair conspired to turn Edwina Prototype into a breeder-factory to create an army of dispensable beings.
Edwina and Dr. Shika returned from visiting Shika’s newborn daughter Mozambique on Guano-9. Edwina poured out her heart about her argument with Jacob and her fears that Altair was after her unborn child for nefarious purposes. They decided to hide the baby on Guano-9, where they would assume new identities as the rapper DJ Tastee Taste and his MC Edwina.
Armageddon Uno was regaling Jacob Fisher with tales of his sexual exploits with the women of Vagil-8 (who have 8 “coopappies”). Jacob explained that the Amish regarded sex as a sacred, solemn affair, not taken lightly or for fun. He started explaining about Edwina’s miraculous pregnancy.
ARMAGEDDON: “You mean Jesus came down and banged that android chick?”
JACOB: “Mr. Uno, you offend my sensibilities.”
Jacob worried that Edwina’s fall might have endangered the son of God. Armageddon was fascinated by the concept of a brain-damaged Messiah (“What kind of church do you think would come out of that?”).
Scoop Quasar read a letter from his girlfriend Catherine, telling him about her exciting travels and “a little man who dances for quarters made of pies.” Commander Blanket entered and offered Scoop a fuzzy-navel-flavored malt beverage. When Scoop told Blanket about the letter, Blanket figured Catherine was probably sleeping with the pie-man. Scoop had a confession to make to the commander…Scoop suspected that he himself might be the father of Edwina’s baby! Scoop explained that he had an “accident” when Edwina was straddling his lap to adjust his tie back in Episode 8, and that the sperm might have swum into Edwina’s womb.
BLANKET: “Wow, this is more of a virgin birth than we realized! TWO virgins are having a baby!”
After deciding to get a DNA test on Edwina’s baby, Blanket told Scoop that he needed his help in getting rid of the “bad eggs” on the station. Scoop agreed, offering to put his martial-arts training to use.
As they practiced their rap act, Edwina asked Shika if these new identities were really necessary. Shika admitted that they weren’t…he just needed something to relieve his boredom. Shika then told Edwina that he’d just confirmed a surprising discovery. When Edwina fell against the table, the baby broke in half and immediately healed. Edwina was now pregnant with twins.
Commander Blanket and his new “enforcer” Scoop ran into Armageddon Uno. Armageddon asked Scoop if he had had any Spaceforce combat training. When Scoop said he hadn’t, Armageddon taught him the traditional pantsless Greco-Roman wrestling moves. Surprised to learn that Armageddon served in Spaceforce, Blanket asked him about his experience.
ARMAGEDDON: “Oh, uh, I was stationed at the Battle of Tartan-114.”
BLANKET: “I thought everybody was wiped out at the Battle of Tartan-114.”
ARMAGEDDON: “Uh…um…we were! Gotta run!”
In his Catacombs of Diabolical Nonsense, Dwayne Tomagachi sang a rousing karaoke version of Rod Stewart’s “Maggie May.”
Blanket & Scoop ran into Jacob and explained how Scoop’s accident had cast doubt on how Edwina’s child had been conceived. They explained that a DNA test would show whether it was Scoop’s child or God’s. (“If the DNA is shaped like a cross, then it’s His.”) Suddenly, a hysterical, pantsless Armageddon Uno ran by.
Cleaning the commissary, Edwina found a book of hymns and began reading it. Although she had never believed in God, she began to understand how people could draw strength from faith. She started singing a moving rendition of “Amazing Grace.” Hearing her song, Jacob entered and asked for her forgiveness. He realized that it was indeed possible for an android to have a soul.
Scoop and Blanket were about to enter Dwayne’s Catacombs when Altair-9000 burst through the door. Scoop put up a noble (if ineffectual) fight, but Altair tossed him aside effortlessly.
In the restroom, Dr. Shika counseled Armageddon about his problems with intimacy & commitment. Shika suggested that Armageddon imagine his mother’s face on a woman because “you wouldn’t dump your mother, would you?” Armageddon was repulsed by this suggestion because of all the OTHER things he wouldn’t do with his mother. Jacob came in to use the urinal. Shika tried to gently break the news about Edwina’s twins.
SHIKA: “Think of how happy you are right now, then multiply it by two. What’s that?”
JACOB: “Still a little disturbed.”
After Shika explained about the twins, Armageddon worried that they might be one good & one evil. Jacob declared that they might just have to drown the bad one.
With Scoop down, Blanket prepared to deliver his double-handed back punch, but was distracted by Scoop bleating in pain. Inside his Catacombs, Dwayne heard the fight, but couldn’t tear himself away from his self-massaging session.
In the barn, Jacob prayed and apologized to God for turning his back on Edwina and nearly abandoning the baby. He realized that what mattered was his love for Edwina.
Dwayne came out of his Catacombs and laughed at the fallen heroes, revealing his true identity as Angus McMurder. As Altair drove a fist into Scoop’s stomach, Commander Blanket rose to his feet for one final battle. Suddenly, Dwayne activated a switch to freeze the commander in carbonade.
TO BE CONTINUED…