Season 9, Episode 1: Destination Moon

A new season, a new setting (a moonbase casino), new characters (and some old ones returning as well). Let's begin!

Episode 1: Destination Moon

In a moonbase/casino in the far future of 2006, the lounge owner Tamborina and the stranded cosmonaut Dmitri Tournenkoff were getting to know each other. He explained that he had spent his entire life since childhood training for the space program, and had never had time for an outside life, apart from his girl Svetlana back home. Dmitri was looking forward to being reunited with Svetlana as soon as Russia could afford to bring him back home…in about 5 years.

Prince Schmultan of the Hawk-People (the moon’s native race) told the robot Altair-9000 that he had noticed a rash of thefts in the casino, and asked Altair to review the security tapes. Altair agreed, and they shook hands…thus bonding them for life, in the tradition of Schmultan’s people.

The station’s medical officer, Dr. Gaye Hoelikker, was having cocktails with Captain Flash Buckstar. She explained her invention of the converter that turns the Hawk-People’s guano into energy to run the moonbase, musing on how much could be accomplished by working with the Hawk-People. Buckstar replied that he didn’t consider the Hawk-People to be people, shocking Dr. Hoelikker with his racism.

The Klingon Gortex was sunbathing on the lunar surface when the moonbase’s Canadian janitor Stephan Fechet came by, sweeping. Gortex revealed that he had devised a plan to catch the thief. He had placed a radioactive dye in the drinks at the table where the thefts were occurring…and that radioactivity would show up in the thief’s poop. In exchange for Stephan collecting the poop for analysis, Gortex rewarded him with a mind-controlling Ceti eel.

Captain Flash Buckstar was reflecting on the accident that got him busted down to his current post, when Admiral James T. Blanket beamed in. Blanket explained that High Command was very disappointed with Buckstar’s performance, so they’d sent him in to take over. Blanket sympathetically told Buckstar that he knew what it was like to have a career ruined by a tragic accident, since he had once blown up a ship full of retarded kids. Blanket told Buckstar that his depression was simply hate focused inward, then advised him to turn that hate on someone else.

Altair-9000 was dealing blackjack when Dmitri came to the table for a hand. Dmitri explained that he was stranded since the malfunction of Sputnik-84. Altair suggested that Dmitri simply use one of the base’s shuttles to return home. Dmitri replied that, since the Soviet Union re-formed and the Cold War was back on, he couldn’t accept any U.S. assistance.

Prince Schmultan applauded as Tamborina finished her dance number in the lounge. Schmultan told her that he was fascinated by her femininity, as his own race consisted entirely of men. To satisfy his curiosity about women, Tamborina explained that women liked tickling, then demonstrated by tickling under his wings. Tamborina told Schmultan how glad she was to have him as a friend, and Schmultan was crushed that she didn’t feel anything more.

Gortex kicked in the door of Dr. Hoelikker’s office, and she made him replace it and knock before he could come in. Gortex explained that he’d brought a suspicious stool sample, and asked her to analyze it. After a preliminary scan, the only thing Dr. Hoelikker could determine for certain was that it wasn’t American poop…it could be either Russian or Canadian.

Admiral Blanket and Altair-9000 were catching up on what had happened since they last saw each other. Blanket explained that he had been promoted to Admiral after saving Justin Timberlake from the horrific 2005 Grammy Fire, and Altair revealed that he had broken away from the giant Valtair robot due to creative differences. Altair confronted Blanket with his suspicions about the thief’s identity, and Blanket confessed that he had been stealing money even without being physically present. Blanket explained that he was framing Dmitri in order to have a pretext to get rid of him, then asked Altair to help.

Dmitri reported back to his Soviet superiors, who were forcing them to do their bidding by holding a gun to Svetlana’s head 24 hours a day (even when she’s out shopping). Dmitri assured them that the crew had accepted him as a harmless Yakov Smirnov-style wacky Russian.

Gortex informed Flash Buckstar that he’d determined that the thief has Russian bowels. The Captain suddenly remembered that Admiral Blanket had a bowel transplant in 2005. Owing Buckstar a blood-debt, Gortex offered to repay him by killing Blanket.

Tamborina received a cease-and-desist order from Admiral Blanket, warning her to stop her lewd dancing. Dr. Gaye Hoelikker walked by and saw that Tamborina was upset. When Tamborina explained the situation, Gaye was enraged that Blanket’s lack of appreciation for dance. Touched by Gaye’s concern, Tamborina offered to teach her some moves.

Prince Schmultan presented Stephan Fechet with an award to thank him for cleaning up after his people. Stephan delivered a heartfelt acceptance speech about his long, arduous journey from Canada to the moon.

Dmitri was curled up on his tiny sleep-cube when Admiral Blanket entered his quarters. Blanket confronted Dmitri about his work with the KGB. Before being taken away, Dmitri asked that Blanket join him for one last drink. Distracting Blanket by pointing out a nearby space-cat, Dmitri slipped something into Blanket’s drink.

Gortex was dealing a hand of Klingon blackjack when Schmultan came by for a game. Schmultan reminisced about the time he’d saved a Klingon’s life, and Gortex realized that that Klingon was his great-great-grandsire. Gortex informed Schmultan that he owed him a blood-debt, but Schmultan replied that he needed no help from a Klingon. Offended by this rejection, Gortex warned Schmultan that he’d made an enemy.

Altair came to Captain Buckstar’s quarters to accuse Dmitri of the thefts. Flash countered that he knew the real culprit was Admiral Blanket, then confused Altair’s logic circuits with a nonsensical argument.

Tamborina and Dr. Hoelikker were drunkenly dancing through the corridors when they mistakenly entered Dmitri’s room and discovered Blanket chained to the wall. Tamborina was very pleased to find Blanket in this position, explaining that it served him right for banning her dance routine. As Dr. Hoelikker amused herself by spinning Blanket around on the secret rotating-door, Dmitri returned to his quarters.

TO BE CONTINUED…