Season 5, Episode 18: Another Day, Another Shooting

Episode 18: Another Day, Another Shooting

Constance was cleaning up the bar with her new invention, something she called “paper towels.” Jesus Christ entered and ordered a glass of water, which he immediately turned into wine. Realizing that she was in the presence of the savior, Constance fell at his feet. Constance told Jesus that she has no longer whoring since she removed her vagina. Jesus replied that he didn’t object to her former profession, reminding her that his girlfriend was a whore. Jesus then asked her to think about the child she conceived with Brigham Young. Constance admitted that she didn’t feel any connection to it, since Roswell Diabolicus had actually carried and given birth to the child. Jesus urged Constance to get the baby back and find that connection.

Brigham Young had just finished putting metal plates in the street (as part of Roswell’s diabolical invention “traffic”), when Judge X walked by. Judge X explained that he was aiming to take down Will McGotnuthin. However, being bound by the law, Judge X couldn’t take action unless Will actually broke the law. Brigham suggested provoking a duel with Will, so that Judge X could shoot Will after Will shoots Brigham.

Having previously taken over the mayor’s office, Trapper Jean expanded his power base by claiming the general store. Roswell Diabolicus arrived and accused Jean of betraying their alliance by moving in on Roswell’s territory. Jean explained that he was upset and neglected because they weren’t spending any quality evil time together. Suddenly, the mysterious stranger entered, and Roswell recognized him as his old arch-nemesis, Ass Masterson! Roswell had thought Ass had died years ago in a carriage explosion, but Ass replied that he had missed that carriage. Jean desperately demanded to know who really died in that explosion.

Will was teaching class, as Judge X watched through a hole in the wall. Trapper Jean strolled by and told Judge X that he was peeking through the wrong wall to see the boys’ locker room. Inside, Madeline entered to discuss the Judge X situation with Will. Madeline resented the Judge coming into town and overriding her authority. Will replied that she didn’t need to worry about Judge X. (MADELINE: “I wasn’t worried, I was getting ready to kick ass!”) Will explained that he was leaving town so that Judge X would leave Little One Point alone. Outside, Constance walked by and informed Judge X that word was getting around about his peeping-tom ways.

Constance was sitting around at home, singing “Happy Birthday” to herself. Brigham entered, and Constance told him about Jesus’ admonition to get the baby back from Roswell Diabolicus. Brigham revealed that he’d been thinking the same thing, and showed her the birthday present he’d brought…a little purple cowboy outfit for the baby. Brigham explained that he’d joined Roswell to dull the pain of his broken heart, but that he now realized he needed his child. He told her that they should raise the baby together and let it know both its parents…at least until Brigham leaves for Utah.

Trapper Jean continued to expand his empire by claiming the jail. Madeline entered and told him he couldn’t just waltz in and take things over. When Jean mockingly asked what she was going to do about it, she responded by locking him up.

Judge X followed relentlessly as Will went about his daily routine: the ice cream store, the dog track, the methadone clinic…

At Castle Gayskull, Roswell Diabolicus was bonding with the baby when Constance arrived, on the pretext of showing Roswell her new invention. As she explained the concept of “paper towels,” Roswell pointed out how wasteful her invention was. Suddenly, Roswell realized that the potential damage to the environment would make Constance’s invention a great tool for evil. Roswell gave Constance a hug to congratulate her, and Constance took advantage of the distraction to snatch the baby.

Brigham Young was at the bar, all set to say his farewells to the town…except nobody was there to hear him. Jesus Christ entered and revealed his identity to Brigham. Brigham was still reeling from this revelation when Jesus explained that Brigham was chosen to be a prophet as well. Brigham confessed that his faith had been shaky recently. He used to talk to God constantly, but hadn’t heard from Him since Brigham started his relationship with Red Clay (a relationship now referred to as “the unpleasantness”). Jesus told Brigham that God still had a place in His heart for Brigham, and that Brigham still had a destiny to fulfill. Moved by Jesus’ words (especially after Jesus told him he’d be able to marry as many broads as he wanted), Brigham resolved to go to Utah and found the Mormons.

Now that Constance had taken the baby away, Roswell Diabolicus was freaking out. Since he couldn’t use the baby’s divine powers to conquer the world, Roswell resolved to destroy the world instead. Gloating maniacally to himself, Roswell recalled that, back when he was hopped up on caffeine from Constance-Cola, he managed to construct his greatest weapon: The Rhode Island Cannon (as mentioned in the first two episodes, and completely forgotten since then). With a cannon capable of firing Rhode Island-sized cannonballs, he would only need 500 shots to destroy all the land mass on Earth. Roswell laughed diabolically.

Judge X was sleeping when Will McGotnuthin snuck into his room, cracking his whip to wake the Judge. Judge X was thrilled that Will, by breaking & entering, had finally given the Judge an excuse to put him away. Will replied that the Judge couldn’t put him away if he was dead…then threatened to hang himself with his whip.

JUDGE X: “No! Don’t throw it all away now! You’ve got many years ahead of you behind bars.”

Will realized that killing Judge X would be more beneficial than killing himself. Judge X warned Will that if he killed him, it only meant that Judge XI would take over the job, then Judge XII, then back again to Judge I, and so on. Suddenly, Brigham Young entered and pulled a gun on Judge X. Brigham explained that he realized that Will had turned his life around, and he couldn’t let Will throw his new life away. Since Brigham was leaving town anyway, he might as well take the heat off Will. With that, Brigham shot Judge X.

TO BE CONTINUED…

Season 5, Episode 17: And There Shall Come a Savior

Episode 17: And There Shall Come a Savior

Having killed Hop Hop and disposed of the body, self-appointed Mayor Trapper Jean was going over some paperwork in his office. Sheriff Madeline Clementine arrived, looking for Hop Hop. Jean told her that Hop Hop had traveled further West to pursue his destiny. This explanation surprised Madeline, since she couldn’t imagine Hop Hop leaving so soon after starting his theater. Madeline was equally puzzled by the fact that Jean had declared himself mayor. She suggested that perhaps the mayor should be chosen by election, but then realized that was just foolish talk.

Constance was tending bar when the mysterious Judge X entered, searching for Will McGotnuthin. He explained that he was the tenth in a posse of the twelve toughest judges in the West, scouring the land to hunt down the country’s most notorious outlaws. Constance couldn’t believe that Will was a wanted man.

Roswell was singing “Rock-a-Bye Baby” to Brigham Young’s baby, which he had kidnapped in utero and given birth to himself. Brigham entered with a delivery of baby supplies from the general store. Since Brigham had lost the love of his life when he was forced to kill Red Clay, Brigham explained that he had nothing left to lose by joining Roswell. If joining the forces of evil was the price of being with his son, then so be it. Eagerly accepting his new ally, Roswell explained his latest evil plan…a new concept he called “traffic.”

Will McGotnuthin was teaching a French lesson when a mysterious heavenly music resounded through the room. Immediately afterwards, Jesus Christ entered. Not realizing the visitor’s identity, Will was initially hostile towards the stranger, but warmed up when Jesus spoke approvingly of the Montessori system. Will and Jesus came up with an idea of teaching lessons through metaphorical stories with animals. As an example, Jesus told a story involving a pair of bulls.

Judge X paid a visit to the mayor’s office, still searching for Will. Remembering the legend of the Twelve Judges, Jean was intimidated, but still told Judge X that he believed that Will was a changed man.

JUDGE X: “A horse doesn’t change its spots…unless you paint it.”
JEAN: “But zat is a horse of a different color.”

At high noon, a mysterious stranger arrived in Little One Point…a stranger wearing seatless pants, with the words “Love” and “Hate” tattooed on his cheeks.

Constance was napping in her room when Roswell Diabolicus entered and woke her up. Roswell explained that he needed her advice on taking care of the baby. He offered to return Constance’s reproductive system, since he was done with it now. However, since Constance had removed Roswell’s vagina (which he had switched with hers), she was now completely genital-free, and happy that way. She explained that it would be a lot easier for her to quit whoring now that she didn’t have a vagina. (Roswell’s response: “You’ve still got a mouth!”)

After launching Roswell’s evil “traffic” plan by filling the streets with carriages, holes, and metal plates, Brigham Young paid a visit to Red Clay’s campfire to mourn his loss. Jesus arrived (introducing himself as “Jessie Christianson”) and tried to make Brigham realize that he hadn’t yet lost EVERYTHING. Jesus told Brigham that he still had that joy deep inside his heart, but Brigham replied that he wanted to kill that joy, so it wouldn’t hurt him anymore. Jesus assured Brigham that he was still on the right path. Jesus touched Brigham’s forehead, and Brigham suddenly realized that he WASN’T supposed to go to Iowa (“NOBODY should go to Iowa!”).

Trying to figure out what to do about Trapper Jean’s seizing power, Madeline thought back over the town’s history. She realized that, if she could find the town charter, she’d learn how to take over the town herself and run it HER way…with lots of shops.

Trapper Jean was at the bar when the mysterious bare-assed stranger arrived. They shared a drink, and the stranger asked Jean if he was truly happy. Jean suddenly realized just how empty his life was. (“It is like you are reaching inside my brain and reading it like some kind of brain-book!”) The stranger explained that he had grown up in Little One Point, but it was even smaller then. At this point, Jean finally saw the stranger’s pantslessness and exclaimed “Jesus Christ!” Hearing his name, Jesus rushed in.

Will McGotnuthin was going over the lesson plans when Judge X entered. Judge X explained that he’d had a hard time finding him, thanks to Will’s clever disguise of changing the pronunciation (though not the spelling) of his name. Will recognized Judge X as the man who had sent Will’s sisters to jail. Will informed the judge that he had changed his ways and was on the straight and narrow. Judge X warned Will that he was watching and waiting for Will to make just one little misstep. Judge X “tested” Will by dropping a ten-dollar bill on the floor and waiting for him to steal it. When one of Will’s students picked it up instead, the judge whacked little Timmy with his gavel.

Roswell Diabolicus was doing some housework with Brigham’s baby when Jesus entered. Facing his arch-nemesis, Roswell bragged that neither Jesus nor his father had been able to stop his evil plans to date. Jesus told Roswell that there was still hope for him to find the path of righteousness. After all, if Roswell were truly as evil as he claimed, he would have simply smashed the baby’s skull. Roswell replied that he HAD tried that, but the baby was invulnerable. Roswell demonstrated with some wrestling moves.

TO BE CONTINUED…

Season 5, Episode 16: Everybody Dies

Episode 16: Everybody Dies

Having stolen Constance’s reproductive system, Roswell Diabolicus was now carrying Brigham Young’s child. Brigham demanded his baby back, explaining that he had conceived that child for the divinely-ordained purpose of fathering the Mormons. In effect, that child was God’s child. This information only made Roswell more determined to keep the baby himself, so that he could corrupt it.

The revelation of Brigham’s infidelity had driven Red Clay onto the warpath, so he visited the general store to pick up some more war paint. Fantastic Sam came in and told Red Clay that he, too, was feeling a murderous mood. Suddenly, they heard an eerie noise and rushed outside to see some strange lights in the sky. Just as suddenly, the mysterious flying object disappeared, and they went back to their original conversation. Red Clay and Sam decided to steal a bunch of TNT from the store and blow up Little One Point.

Having been kicked out of office by Trapper Jean, ex-mayor Hop Hop was reduced to begging for change (and beer) on the street. Sheriff Madeline Clementine strolled by, her face covered with hideous sores. Madeline explained that, when God sent the plague of syphilis, she caught it…then she caught a double-dose when she slept with Trapper Jean. As she explained that the syphilis would soon drive her insane, Madeline suddenly started tap-dancing for no apparent reason. Fantastic Sam walked by, carrying a bundle of stolen supplies. Hop Hop begged for some spare food, and Sam gave him some moldy oranges. Hop Hop shared the oranges with the reluctant Madeline.

At the school, Will McGotnuthin was teaching atheism to his sole remaining student, Timmy. Trapper Jean entered and dismissed the class. Jean explained that he had appointed himself Mayor by claiming Hop Hop’s office in the name of French Canada.

WILL: “Then, I could claim it in the name of Willsville?”
JEAN: “Yes, but then I would likely shoot you dead, and it would revert to me.”

Jean told Will that he should start teaching about the wonders of France, but the school didn’t have an ‘F’ encyclopedia yet. Jean informed Will that he could provide the school with a complete set of encyclopedias. Impressed by Jean’s erudition, Will agreed to teach whatever Jean tells him to.

Hauling his bag of loot, Fantastic Sam was stopped by Roswell Diabolicus. Roswell tried to take the supplies back, but didn’t have the strength to lift it. Sam mocked Roswell’s weakness and pulled a gun on him. In retaliation, Roswell harangued Sam for his cowardice and lack of commitment, until Sam broke down and turned the gun on himself. Roswell wrestled Sam to the ground, pinning him down until Sam passed out. Roswell put a case of TNT on Sam’s back and lit the fuse.

Madeline was recuperating at home, feeling slightly better since eating the moldy oranges. Trapper Jean entered, and Madeline bitterly complained that she had lived a decent, clean life until her liaison with Jean, whereas Jean had lived a dissolute life…and now she was dying, while Jean seemed as hale and hearty as ever. The madness came on her again, and she voiced her complaints in a musical number. (“There’s no one to blame but God and you, and God’s not here!”) Jean explained that he appeared so healthy because he knew two methods to stop the symptoms of syphilis. Madeline would need to find either the silver blood of a unicorn (unfortunately, they only live in France), or the placenta from a newborn child.

Red Clay consulted the Chipapoo spirits for advice on his warpath. Hop Hop passed by, and they commiserated over their betrayals by the white man. Red Clay told Hop Hop that he would burn Little One Point to the ground (since, according to the treaty, the town was his property anyway).

Brigham went to the saloon and told Will about his problems (“I got a woman pregnant, and my husband’s not happy about it”). Brigham feared that the jealous Red Clay would kill him and the whole town. Will reluctantly agreed to form yet another temporary alliance with Brigham. Will warned Brigham that this time, they would have to take out Red Clay permanently, or he would just come back stronger and angrier.

Fantastic Sam woke up and discovered the burning TNT on his back. He tried to kick it away, but was caught in the blast and apparently lost several limbs.

Madeline went to Castle Gayskull to ask Roswell Diabolicus for help with her illness.

ROSWELL: “You look like someone punched you in the face with a fistful of keys!”
MADELINE: “Worse than that…someone punched me in the crotch with a fistful of syphilis.”

Madeline was about to ask Roswell for a favor, when Roswell suddenly went into labor.

Trapper Jean was settling into his new home in the mayor’s office when Hop Hop arrived at the door. Discovering that the locks had changed, Hop Hop tricked his way in with a cunning ruse.

HOP HOP: “It’s the prumber! I’ve come to fix the sink!”
JEAN: “I did not know we had indoor plumbing!”

Once he was in the office, Hop Hop put on an impressive display of martial-arts prowess, skillfully and menacingly wielding his staff. In response, Trapper Jean simply shot Hop Hop.

Red Clay was setting fire to the town when Brigham Young and Will McGotnuthin confronted him. Brigham tried to make amends with Red Clay, but Red Clay was too angry to accept his apology. His people had been betrayed by the white man too often for Red Clay to forgive. Red Clay drew his bow, and Brigham and Will drew their gun and whip (respectively) in response. Red Clay’s arrow missed, but Brigham’s bullet didn’t. Mortally wounded, Red Clay apologized for carrying his passion too far. Hearing the Chipapoo spirits calling him, Red Clay knew that he was dying. Brigham and Red Clay declared their love for each other one last time. Red Clay wanted to give Brigham the treaty that would grant him ownership of Little One Point, but died before he could reveal where it was hidden. Moved by the tender scene, Will (pausing only long enough to put out the fire) handed Red Clay’s arrow to Brigham. (“He meant for you to have this.”)

TO BE CONTINUED…

Season 5, Episode 15: The Wedding of the (19th) Century

Episode 15: The Wedding of the (19th) Century

Brigham Young visited the school to ask Will McGotnuthin for a favor.

BRIGHAM: “I know, every time I ask a favor, I promise I’ll leave town. Then I come back and ask for another favor.”
WILL: “Good thing I’m not up on pattern recognition.”

Brigham asked Will to perform the wedding ritual for him and Red Clay, since Will’s background as an actor made him the closest thing the town had to a preacher. Brigham promised (yet again) that after the wedding, they’d leave for Iowa.

After the lovin’, Hop Hop started singing to Constance. However, Constance had developed an extreme dislike for noise and light, as well as becoming disturbingly pale. Constance told Hop Hop that, since she recovered her stolen vagina from Roswell Diabolicus, it had been telling her to kill. Hop Hop examined her vagina, and reported that there were cobwebs, bats, and a little hunchbacked man inside.

Unbeknownst to Constance and Hop Hop, their encounter had been viewed by Roswell Diabolicus through his crystal ball. Roswell congratulated himself on substituting his vagina for Constance’s. Suddenly, Trapper Jean knocked on the castle door. They revealed their past history together: 15 years ago, Roswell won the castle from Trapper Jean, changing the name from Skank Mountain to Castle Gayskull. However, the castle still held one secret only Jean knew: the legendary Gray Sword, hidden and protected by Trapper Jean’s traps. Roswell noticed that Jean’s collection of pelts included Roswell’s previous pet bobcat, Mr. Toesy (Mr. Nosy’s predecessor). As the two old rivals faced each other, Jean suggested that, rather than waste time fighting, they should work to rule the world together.

Red Clay consulted with the Chipapoo spirits for advice on the wedding ritual. He had the bull to sacrifice, a thousand doves to set free, and a wine glass to stomp on. All that was left was his gift for Brigham.

At the saloon, Constance told Will McGotnuthin that she’d started to grow apathetic to all her former interests. Suddenly, her vagina started telling her to kill him. She pulled a gun on him, but her vagina changed its mind and told her to seduce him instead. Will screamed as Constance straddled him.

After Hop Hop and Trapper Jean rehearsed a musical number for the ceremony, Jean told Hop Hop that he was thinking of settling down in Little One Point. Hop Hop suggested that Jean find a place to live in the classic American way…find a place, kick out the occupants, and stake a claim. Taking his advice, Jean knocked out Hop Hop.

Trying to decide on a place for the wedding, Red Clay suggested they hold it over the Chipapoo burial ground, where the general store now stands. Red Clay explained that they would need two medicine men to perform the ceremony. Will would be Brigham’s minister, and Trapper Jean would be Red Clay’s. He then explained that they would need to reveal their “secret names” (usually discovered during the peyote ritual). Brigham didn’t have time to take peyote, but did have an embarrassing nickname from his youth…”The Purple Poke,” or “Pokey” for short. Red Clay’s secret name was “Dog Eating Its Own Poo.”

Roswell walked by the unconscious Hop Hop…and kept on walking.

Trapper Jean and Will were going over the service, though Will was feeling strange since his encounter with Constance. (Plus, half of his face had gone pale.) As Jean explained the ceremony, a voice from Will’s crotch told him to kiss Jean.

WILL: “I’m not gay…but my penis is telling me to kiss you.”
JEAN: “I fear that my penis is telling me not to let that happen.”

At the store, Roswell Diabolicus was doing inventory when Constance entered. Since Roswell switched vaginas with her, they were assuming each other’s personality traits…plus, Constance had started to grow a beard like Roswell’s. Roswell informed her that he’d taken not only her vagina, but her entire reproductive system…and was now carrying her baby. Constance pulled a gun and demanded her vagina back. Roswell grabbed the gun, shoved it down his pants, and declared “If I can’t have your vagina, no one will!” Then he fired.

Red Clay and Brigham were going over the ceremony with the two preachers, though Brigham was distracted by Will’s bizarre transformation. Suddenly, Will’s penis ordered him to kiss Red Clay. Will did so, right in front of Brigham.

Hop Hop threw a bachelor party for Brigham, presenting him with a wedding fortune cookie (“You must look into people as well as at them.”). The party stripper, Constance, arrived. Brigham was dismayed by the debauchery, not to mention Constance’s beard. Hop Hop suggested that Brigham follow the cookie’s advice and look into Constance.

Finally, the big moment arrived. Trapper Jean and Will (whose face had cleared up since kissing Red Clay) began the ceremony. Red Clay arrived, walking up the aisle in a dress and veil. After exchanging rings (cock rings, actually), Jean pronounced them man and man. Red Clay and Brigham kissed. Suddenly, Roswell Diabolicus stormed in, announcing that the baby he’s carrying is Brigham’s child!

TO BE CONTINUED…

Season 5, Episode 14: The Case of the Missing...Well, Just Read It for Yourself

Episode 14: The Case of the Missing…Well, Just Read It for Yourself

Sheriff Madeline Clementine went to see Roswell Diabolicus to inform her biological father about her new ambition to be an actress. Roswell replied that he knew about her role in “Our Chinese Cousin,” as he was the play’s producer. He explained that he had funded Hop Hop’s play as part of an elaborate plan to get revenge on Abraham Lincoln by shooting him while he was distracted by the show. Madeline pointed out that, besides it being a bad idea to confess his criminal plans to the sheriff, somebody else had already beaten him to it. Roswell has distraught that his first truly evil plan in ages had been spoiled.

Brigham was out in the woods when Trapper Jean wandered by. Trapper Jean could see that Brigham was troubled, and Brigham explained that he has having difficulties with his relationship with Red Clay, complicated by the fact that they were both hiding from their gods. When Trapper Jean realized that Brigham’s life partner was Native American, Jean warned him that the Indians betrayed Jean’s people during the French & Indian War. However, he was willing to give Red Clay the benefit of the doubt.

Red Clay snuck into the saloon to pick up supplies. Constance Snell gladly provided them, even though she disapproved of Red Clay’s gay lifestyle. She told Red Clay about the life of Jesus, and Red Clay remarked that Jesus sounded very similar to Brigham. Red Clay then extolled Brigham’s virtues in a song.

Fantastic Sam stopped by the general store and told Roswell that he had been terrible in the play, having forgotten all his lines. Roswell and Sam went off on a discourse about the history of theater, and the way their lives seemed to play out like the same scene repeated over and over. Sam resolved to break the pattern by going “outside the lines” and stepping out into the audience.

Madeline ran into Trapper Jean in the woods, and was quickly charmed by his Gallic charm. They went inside his tent, and he offered her a seat on his fainting couch.

MADELINE: “I don’t faint, but I recline with the best of them.”

Hop Hop gave Will McGotnuthin a check for 14 cents as payment for his work on the play. Will gratefully replied that he would use the money to buy a ‘D’ encyclopedia for the school. Hop Hop was taken aback to learn that they still didn’t have that volume, and asked how the kids could get ‘D’ grades if they didn’t understand the concept of ‘D.’ Will explained that there were no grades in the Montessori system, and Hop Hop was horrified. Without grades, their school couldn’t be ranked against other schools, and Hop Hop couldn’t get kickbacks. Hop Hop insisted that Will institute a grading system, but Will stood by his principles.

Later that night, Will McGotnuthin secretly visited Abraham Lincoln’s grave and started digging. Fantastic Sam arrived, having had the same idea. Sam believed that Lincoln had arranged the shooting in order to fake his own death. As they dug, a ghostly voice asked, “Who disturbs the grave of Babraham Crinklin?” Realizing that the grave was not Lincoln’s, Sam warned Will that the real Lincoln may be anywhere…possibly having changed his appearance and assumed a new name.

Trapper Jean sang a post-coital ballad to Madeline, then left.

Beside the campfire, Brigham Young and Red Clay started to argue about Brigham’s difficulty in adjusting to their new lifestyle in the woods. Trapper Jean arrived, but when he saw Red Clay, he pulled his gun. As far as Jean was concerned, the French & Indian War was still on. Red Clay pulled his bow on Jean. Confused as to how to handle the situation, Brigham pulled his guns on both of them.

Hop Hop paid a visit to Constance, but was surprised when her greeting lacked its usual enthusiasm. Constance explained that she just didn’t have any passion anymore…somehow, she had lost her fantastic vagina! Hop Hop speculated that her new ambitions as an inventor and actress might have dulled her interest in her old trade, but she insisted that she had literally lost her vagina. Hop Hop pulled out a fortune cookie to find out what to do, and learned that “Silence is sometimes the best answer.”

The three-way standoff between Brigham, Red Clay, and Trapper Jean was interrupted when Constance and Hop Hop rode by, searching for Constance’s vagina. The bizarre intrusion defused the tension, and everyone put down their weapons. Jean advised Red Clay and Brigham to get their issues out in the open in order to revitalize their relationship. Jean suggested they spice up their love life with role-playing, or by making love in unusual places (such as Castle Gayskull). Brigham remained unconvinced that their relationship could be salvaged.

Constance arrived at Castle Gayskull and discovered that Roswell Diabolicus had stolen her vagina. Roswell explained that his life had been ruined by his addiction to the beverage she’d invented, Constance Cola. He wanted her to destroy the formula so it couldn’t do any more damage, and was holding her vagina hostage until she met his demands. Undaunted, Constance whistled, and her vagina came rushing back under her skirt.

CONSTANCE: “If you want a vagina so much, maybe you should make yourself one in this lab of yours!”
ROSWELL: “Well, if you’d remember from a few weeks ago, I HAVE a vagina! I’m a hermaphrodite, with a penis and a vagina. Have you forgotten?”

Disheartened by Constance’s victory, Roswell dismissed her…pausing only to cast doubt on whether it was really HER vagina she’d reclaimed.

Trapper Jean was sleeping in his tent when Madeline Clementine entered, royally pissed-off by his leaving her earlier. Vindictively, she arrested him for shooting Lincoln. Jean grabbed Madeline’s gun “Priscilla,” but Priscilla remained loyal to her owner…even in Jean’s hand, the gun stayed pointed at Jean. Pleading for his life, Jean explained that the shooting was a hoax planned by Lincoln himself. Madeline apologized for believing that Jean was a killer. Then she informed him that he now had syphilis.

As Red Clay sat by the campfire, Brigham arrived, dressed in a French maid outfit (provided by Trapper Jean). Brigham was prepared to put aside his doubts and work to save their relationship. Touched by Brigham’s devotion, Red Clay got down on one knee and asked to marry Brigham in a traditional Chipapoo ceremony. Brigham accepted.

TO BE CONTINUED…

Season 5, Episode 13: Sockdologizing Old Mantrap

Episode 13: Sockdologizing Old Mantrap

Will McGotnuthin pled with Hop Hop to give him back his teaching position. Hop Hop agreed, even though Will had never actually LOST his job.

HOP HOP: “I don’t remember firing you…I remember kicking your ass!”
WILL: “I interpreted that as firing.”

Now that that was cleared up, Hop Hop asked Will to star in Hop Hop’s new play, “Our Chinese Cousin,” the story of an emperor who changes places with his identical cousin in order to experience common life. As soon as Hop Hop offered him the part, Will had a flashback to his days with his sisters’ criminal Shakespeare troupe.

In the jail, Red Clay gave Brigham Young some flowers he’d picked through the window. Brigham was torn with guilt over the plagues God was sending over their forbidden love, but Red Clay didn’t care. They decided to escape and leave Little One Point together.

Since Fantastic Sam’s barbershop burned down, Constance came to Sam’s house to trim her braid. Afterwards, Constance remarked that she couldn’t pay him with money. Sam wasn’t concerned, since he’d gotten $61 from his insurance. Constance explained that she’d been offering to pay him another way, reminding him of their times together when she thought he was a horse.

Abraham Lincoln visited Roswell Diabolicus, explaining that he’d had to drop Sam’s lawsuit against Roswell when he learned that Sam was lying about being a horse. However, Lincoln was bringing a new case against him on general principles (not to mention the fact that Roswell abandoned Lincoln after fathering him).

Sheriff Madeline Clementine was strolling along when Hop Hop arrived and offered her a part in “Our Chinese Cousin.” She would be playing the palace courtesan who finds true love with the substitute emperor. Madeline was intrigued with the idea of playing someone so unlike herself, and started improvising some dialogue. The rehearsal was overheard by a mysterious stranger, who introduced himself as the French fur trapper Trapper Jean.

Having snuck out of his cell once again, Brigham Young visited Will McGotnuthin at the general store. Brigham asked Will to help break Red Clay out of jail too, but Will was upset that Brigham didn’t follow through with taking revenge on Roswell Diabolicus after last week’s jailbreak. Brigham promised Will that if he helped Red Clay escape, the two of them would leave Little One Point and never return. Will accepted the offer.

Fantastic Sam was strolling down 2nd Avenue, reveling in his new wealth and pimpin’ threads. Sam explained to a puzzled Abraham Lincoln that he’d found a loophole in the law, and was insuring things that weren’t even his. Deeply disappointed by his former client’s behavior, Lincoln told Sam that they couldn’t be friends anymore. Lincoln then served Sam with a subpoena for insurance fraud.

Constance was tending bar when Trapper Jean entered. She poured him a drink of her new invention, Constance Cola. Jean was impressed (“Zut alors! Zat is, how you say, tasty fucking beverage!”), but could see that she was troubled. Constance explained that she wrote to her family to share the good news of her success, but they wrote back calling her a whore. Jean sympathized with her plight.

TRAPPER JEAN: “Ah, ma cherie…if ravens had not eaten my tear ducts, I would cry.”

Hop Hop paid a visit to Roswell Diabolicus, inviting him to produce the play. Roswell agreed, if Hop Hop would help him with a project of his own. Roswell explained that the plagues were God’s punishment on homosexuality, and he’d devised a plan to put all the gays in one place so the rest of the town would be safe. Showing Hop Hop a map, Roswell pointed out an area shaped like a buck’s head, and proposed sending all the gays there. Hop Hop suggested they instead put all the gays in the middle of the city…mid-town, as it were.

Madeline visited Red Clay’s cell to see whether Red Clay was willing to leave Brigham to her in exchange for his freedom. Before Red Clay could answer, Brigham snuck back into his cell and found himself face to face with Madeline. Madeline pled with Brigham to take things back to the way they were before Brigham left her for Red Clay. However, Brigham stood by his love for Red Clay. Heartbroken, Madeline opened their cells and told the two of them to leave.

Fantastic Sam and Constance were rehearsing a scene from “Our Chinese Cousin,” with Hop Hop directing and Lincoln watching from a balcony seat. Lincoln kept disrupting the rehearsal with his constant side-coaching, until Hop Hop yelled at him to leave the directing to him. As Sam and Constance rehearsed their scene, Trapper Jean quietly snuck up behind Lincoln and shot him in the head. As everyone reacted in shock, the assassin revealed his full name…Trapper Jean Wilkes Booth!

TO BE CONTINUED…

Season 5, Episode 12: It's the Real Thing

Episode 12: It’s the Real Thing

Sheriff Madeline Clementine led Red Clay back to his cell, where he was being held for public indecency for going around without pants. Red Clay defended himself by explaining that in Chipapoo culture, pants are indecent. Madeline offered to free Red Clay if he’d promise never to see Brigham Young again.

RED CLAY: “Sheriff, your motives painfully clear now.”
MADELINE: “Were they not clear before?”

Will McGotnuthin returned to the school just as substitute teacher Fantastic Sam dismissed the class. Sam explained that he’s just not cut out for teaching, but Will urged him to hang in there until Will got his job back. Sam agreed, as long as Will would stop teaching the theory of “evilution,” and start teaching that man is intrinsically good. However, Will had seen too much evil up close (in the form of his evil sisters) to believe that.

At the bar, Constance was tremendously excited because she’d just invented a new beverage. When Roswell Diabolicus came in to find out what all the noise was about, Constance explained her new concoction. When she got a stomachache, she fixed herself some bicarbonate of soda & water, then added sugar and syrup for flavor. As a finishing touch, she added some coffee for a caffeine kick. Roswell sampled her invention and declared it to be “fucking delicious!”

Hop Hop paid a visit to Brigham Young in his prison cell, where Brigham was also doing time for public indecency.

BRIGHAM: “I’m in jail for love.”
HOP HOP: “You in jail for running around with you man-boobs hanging out!”

Brigham explained that his love for Red Clay had led him to turn his back on his mission from God. As punishment, God had cursed Little One Point with plagues of buzzards, frogs, and wine (though they weren’t sure that last one was meant as a plague). The fourth plague of syphilis would be coming soon.

Will went to Madeline’s office. He explained that, during his drinking days, he’d been fired for messing up the kids’ heads. Now that he’d sobered up, he had two dreams… going back to teaching, and getting revenge on Roswell Diabolicus. He needed a posse to get Roswell, and he needed a sharpshooter for that posse. Will pleaded with Madeline to release Brigham Young.

Around the abandoned campfire, the Chipapoo spirits called out to Red Clay. They were joined by the voice of God, who was searching for Brigham. Despite being omniscient, for some reason they couldn’t find Brigham and Red Clay. To make matters worse, God was running out of ideas for plagues. Finally, they decided to burn Atlanta unless Brigham and Red Clay called off their love.

Hopped up on caffeine, Roswell Diabolicus was stocking the store’s shelves at super-speed. His mind was racing with plans for Constance’s new beverage, such as adding cocaine to make it even more addictive. Fantastic Sam arrived to buy supplies. The father and son argued over Roswell’s commitment to evil, and Sam’s lack of commitment to anything. Eventually, the fight turned into a teary-eyed moment.

Later on, Roswell was cleaning up at Castle Gayskull when Constance arrived, asking for more bicarbonate of soda for her recipe. Roswell agreed to supply her with all the ingredients she needs, in return for which he’ll own the rights to the beverage and get all the profits. They tossed around some possible names for the drink, including “Constance Cola.”

Red Clay was passing the time in his cell by singing a traditional Chipapoo hunting song, when Hop Hop rode in (throwing away his horse afterwards). As Hop Hop explained about the plagues besetting Little One Point, a buzzard fell from the sky. Hop Hop took the buzzard and started nursing it back to health. Hop Hop pointed out the contradiction between Red Clay’s disdain for the white man and his love of Brigham Young (similar to the contradiction of Hop Hop’s caring for the buzzard and disregard for the horse). Hop Hop gave Red Clay a fortune cookie to determine the future: “You will have a lot of fun this weekend.”

Madeline was relaxing in her room when a distraught Fantastic Sam entered. Sam explained that he wanted revenge on Roswell, but didn’t want to side with Will. As he pondered coming up with a plan to double-cross Will, Madeline took him to task for being so self-centered.

MADELINE: “Sam, why is it always about YOU?”
SAM: “I’m at the center of my universe!”

Brigham Young was singing in his cell when Will McGotnuthin entered. They agreed to put aside their feud and have an uneasy truce while they hunt down Roswell. Will used his whip to yank the window out of the wall. Brigham escaped his cell, but explained that he needed to be back by evening to reunite with Red Clay.

The hyperactive Roswell had just finished writing his third book of really bad poetry when he started to come down from his caffeine high. Roswell ordered his new companion/power pet, Dreidel Boy, to guard the castle during his weakness. Suddenly, Brigham and Will burst in and shot Dreidel Boy. Before they could confront Roswell, Constance arrived with a six-pack of “Constance Cola.” Lying helpless on the floor, Roswell pleaded with her to pour a bottle into his mouth. She did so, and the revitalized Roswell leapt to his feet.

TO BE CONTINUED…