Season 7, Episode 9: Everybody Dies

And now, the final episode of the Miami season!

Episode 9: Everybody Dies

Mayoral candidates Dan Mandarino and Jim McMayonnaise met for a debate, with the Commodore moderating. Jim revealed that he was running for a sympathy vote, explaining that he not only had just a few months to live, but on top of that he was going blind. The only thing he wanted before his death was to be mayor. Dan started his rebuttal, but the Commodore declared that time was up as soon as Dan opened his mouth.

At a homeless mission, a bedraggled figure was trying to open a can of beans with his teeth when Sir John Holmes entered. Using his astounding powers of deduction, he calculated that this shabby vagabond was either the Captain (of The Captain & Tennille) or Angelo Lansbury. Angelo explained that, after he lost all his cocaine, the rest of his fortune went with it. Holmes warned Angelo that he still blamed him for introducing cocaine to England…and causing the death of Holmes’ son. Angelo pleaded for mercy, explaining that he knew who now had his cocaine. Reluctantly, Holmes and Angelo agreed to work together to track down Miami’s new druglord, Orville Furman.

Outgoing Mayor Shula Goldamayer was going over some last-minute paperwork, distraught over the recall election. She couldn’t believe that such an important race had been reduced to a dog-and-pony show with two football stars and other celebrities vying for attention. The Commodore entered to ask why she hadn’t entered the debate. She replied “What’s the point of debating morons?” The Commodore urged her not to give up, and she revealed that she wasn’t giving up her fight against evil…she was only giving up the mayor’s office so she wouldn’t be bound by legal restraints. Once she’s free from office, she can fight evil on her own terms, and live up to her middle name…Shula Ramberg Goldamayer.

The newly-wealthy Detective Orville Furman was compensating Simpson and Snatch for all their years of lousy pay, taking them shopping for new shoes. When they asked where he got all this money, he told them he “inherited” it. They decided to go out and get messed up. (Since Snatch was pregnant, Simpson agreed to get messed up enough for both of them.)

At Pepino’s, Dan was drowning his sorrows while Snatch was drinking near-beer. He asked her why she was siding with Jim McMayonnaise when she was carrying Dan’s child. She replied that Jim truly cared about her, whereas Dan just kept throwing footballs and daiquiris at her. She told Dan that she had good news and bad news.

DAN: “Gimme the bad news first, then gimme the good news twice.”
SNATCH: “Well, the good news and the bad news is really the same thing, so…Jim McMayonnaise is marrying me, Jim McMayonnaise is marrying me, Jim McMayonnaise is marrying me.”
DAN: “I think Jim McMayonnaise just signed his own death warrant.”

Jim McMayonnaise was filming a public service announcement with Angelo Lansbury to fight hunger (by feeding Angelo a Touchdown Honey Bun). Suddenly, a football flew through the air, narrowly missing Jim. Shrugging off the incident, Jim bragged that the election was in the bag…he had fixed the election by telling the Make-a-Wish Foundation that he was dying and going blind, and they were going to make his wish of being mayor come true. Angelo warned Jim that he’d made a big mistake by lying to the Make-a-Wish Foundation…if you tell them you’re dying, and you don’t die, they kill you anyway. Jim realized that his only hope of surviving was to develop a terminal illness. Suddenly, another football narrowly missed Jim.

Sir John Holmes and Officer Simpson were practicing at the firing range when Holmes tried to break the news that Detective Furman was engaged in illegal activities. She couldn’t believe what he was saying about her “soul-mate,” then offered to show off her marksmanship by shooting the corncob pipe out of Holmes’ mouth.

Detective Furman was in his new high-rise apartment when Shula smashed down the door. Furman once again tried to accuse Shula of being the real druglord (having planted more cocaine in her desk), but she wasn’t having any part of it. She pulled out her Throwing Star of David.

The Commodore went to say goodbye to Snatch, explaining that he’d been offered a position at Langley University, to work on the most advanced computer program in existence…the Altair Project, creating artificial intelligence in a clunky robot body. Snatch replied that it was probably for the best, since she was going to marry Jim McMayonnaise anyway. They would each find their own happiness, Snatch with Jim and the Commodore with his project.

Detective Furman was weighing out his cocaine in his high-rise when Angelo entered. As Furman gloated over taking over Angelo’s business, Angelo presented him with one of the “perks” of the business…a bill for all the cocaine Furman had stolen, along with moving expenses. When Furman protested, Angelo threatened to take him to The People’s Court.

Snatch was trying on bridal gowns (and admiring her ass in the mirror) when Poppi arrived, wearing a beautiful gown. He explained that he had returned to Miami to be her bridesmaid. He presented her with something old (his old Village People biker cap), something new (a Reese’s peanut butter cup), something borrowed (a condom he borrowed from a friend), and something blue (a picture of a guy he blew).

At Pepino’s, Jim McMayonnaise’s bachelor party was in full swing. The Commodore presented Jim with a program he’d written where a woman takes off her pixilated clothing…he called it “Leisure Suit Larry.” Sir John Holmes suggested that they employ the services of a lady of the evening. Suddenly, a football flew through the air and narrowly missed Jim.

Dan Mandarino told Simpson about his plan to kill Jim McMayonnaise and then marry Snatch himself. He showed her the ring he’d gotten for Snatch, containing the densest diamond known to man (“It’s the God-Ring”). When Simpson asked what was in this plan for her, he replied that HE was in it for her.

Angelo Lansbury and Detective Furman went on The People’s Court, presided over by special guest judge Tony Danza. Furman argued that when Angelo gave him a kilo of cocaine as a gift back in the first episode, that meant that he was entitled to the rest of Angelo’s cocaine. Unimpressed, Tony Danza ruled in Angelo’s favor. Suddenly, Shula burst in, shirtless (but thankfully still wearing a bra), wearing a headband, and carrying a huge machine-gun. No longer was she Mayor Goldamayer…now, she was RAMBERG! Ramberg struck a blow for justice by shooting Detective Furman repeatedly. Tony Danza used his “Who’s the Boss” housekeeping skills to clean up the mess.

The wedding of Officer Snatch and Jim McMayonnaise was about to begin, with the Commodore conducting the service, Poppi as the bridesmaid, and Tony Danza as the best man. Suddenly, a football flew through the air and narrowly missed Jim, but the ceremony continued. More footballs struck, this time actually hitting Jim. The Commodore spotted the assassin, Dan Mandarino. The Commodore took a football, but wrestled Dan to the ground. Despite having killed the groom, Dan asked Snatch to forgive him and marry him instead. Before she could reply, the mortally-injured Commodore threw one of Dan’s own footballs at him. With almost everybody else dead, Snatch asked Tony Danza to marry her.

Ramberg prepared to announce the results of the election, even though both candidates had just died. Opening the envelope, she was stunned to discover that the winner was a write-in candidate…Ramberg! Suddenly, the spirits of Detective Furman, Dan Mandarino, and Jim McMayonnaise appeared, swearing to haunt her. Luckily, being Jewish, she didn’t believe in them. The spirits departed, and Angelo Lansbury arrived. He explained that losing his fortune had made him see the error of his ways, and he wanted to atone for his past. He revealed that he had organized the write-in campaign that restored her to office. Suddenly, Sir John Holmes arrived, still seeking revenge for his son’s death. Angelo calmly walked up to Holmes, explaining his new program of forgiveness, which he called “Hugs, Not Drugs.” Angelo hugged Holmes, who dropped his billy club and broke down crying.

POPPI: “This is the Miami I’ve come to know and love!”

THE END