And now, the concluding episode of the Moonbase Casino season!
Episode 10: Five Weddings and an Infanticide
As Armageddon Uno helped set up the turbo engines, Altair-9000 described a dream he had of a snail crawling on a razor blade…being cut in half just as humanity soon would be. Armageddon revealed that he’d begun to have second thoughts about sending the moon into the sun and killing everybody in the solar system.
ALTAIR: “You would be saving the human race by destroying it.”
ARMAGEDDON: “I like the puzzle that puts in my mind.”
Suddenly, the Computron reported a virus error in Engine 7, which might foil their plans. They went out to fix the problem.
Having faked their deaths during the big death-match, Dmitri Turnankoff and Gortex returned to the moonbase after running off to Saturn to get married. As they began making suggestive overtures to each other, the shuttle computer reported a virus error. They ignored it and went off to have sex.
Playing video poker with Stephan Fechet, Prince Schmultan finally realized that everything is rigged in favor of the casino. Schmultan noticed that Stephan had brought a mini-bike. Stephan explained that the moon’s gravity was going to pull the Earth’s oceans into space like a plume, and he was going to ride that trail of water down in the ultimate extreme sport. Suddenly, Schmultan’s laser-sword staff reported a virus error.
Tamborina asked Dr. Gaye Hoelikker to look after Lumpy (the baby that Gaye had given to Tamborina) while Tamborina was on her honeymoon with Schmultan. (“So, you’re asking me to look after my own child that I gave away and am going to leave forever, giving me a chance to fall in love with her all over again?”) Gaye agreed, then gave Tamborina a wedding present…an ornate treasure chest she made out of Hawkman guano. Tamborina could leave the chest to Lumpy after she dies…or, by breathing on it just right, the chest could miraculously extend her life. Having accepted her imminent death, Tamborina resented suddenly having to make a choice between her own future and her baby’s. Gaye assured Tamborina that Lumpy didn’t have much of a future, having Admiral Blanket as a father. Suddenly, Tamborina’s cigarette reported a virus error.
After deleting the virus in Engine 7, Armageddon Uno and Altair high-fived. When Altair yelled “Ow,” Armageddon was surprised to learn that Altair could actually feel physical sensations. Armageddon tested this further by tickling Altair. Armageddon began having second thoughts about their partnership, fearing that it would damage his macho reputation to work with a ticklish, sensitive robot.
Shocked to see Gortex alive and well, Schmultan explained that he’d tried to accept Gortex’ death, and had moved on to a relationship with Tamborina. After an awkward discussion of their feelings for each other, Gortex sang Schmultan a Klingon love song…in Klingon.
Out on the moon surface, Dmitri ran into Tamborina (who hadn’t even noticed that he was gone). Tamborina explained that she was going to leave Lumpy on the lunar surface to die. Dmitri was appalled that she could even consider such cruelty, but she replied that a quick death at the jaws of space-dingoes would be preferable to the suffering of life. Dmitri offered to take Lumpy and raise her in the family he was starting with Gortex. Hearing that Gortex was still alive, Tamborina feared that he might steal Schmultan’s heart back.
In preparation for the X-Games, Stephan went to Dr. Gaye Hoelikker for some performance-enhancing drugs. Amazed to see him walking again, Gaye expressed her surprise in her typically awkward manner. (“I thought you’d just be a human mollusk for the rest of your life.”) She apologized for her insensitivity, and Stephan urged her to turn her heart around. They began singing “Total Eclipse of the Heart,” then he invited her to get on his mini-bike’s handlebars and join him in getting away from there.
Tamborina went to see Schmultan to discuss the upcoming wedding, and was surprised to see Gortex there as well.
SCHMULTAN: “It’s not what you think! We were having sex, that’s all!”
In despair, Tamborina cried that she was going to give the treasure-chest’s life-extending powers to Lumpy, since she now had nothing to live for herself. Schmultan pleaded that he loved her, but she refused to believe him. (“We’ve had this conversation every week for the past 9 weeks, and I ain’t buying!”)
Dmitri was alone in the bar when Armageddon Uno burst in. After recovering from the initial shock of seeing Dmitri alive again, Armageddon explained that they had to stop Altair’s plan by turning the moon back around. They began singing a variation of “Total Eclipse of the Heart.”
Later, Armageddon and Dmitri were trying to figure out a way to reverse the moon’s path. (“We could point the engines in the other direction, but that seems to simple.”) Dmitri suggested that they get all the Hawk-people to simultaneously flap their wings in one direction while pushing against the moon. Suddenly, Dmitri remembered the doomsday device he’d planted on the base some time before.
Dr. Gaye Hoelikker and Stephan stole a shuttlecraft and set off for the planet Mystic Handjob, where they would build a new life and raise a family of babies with speech impediments and no moral center. As Gaye rhapsodized about their future together, Stephan had a spontaneous orgasm…which was a problem, since he only had one pair of pants.
Having run off in despair after her confrontation with Schmultan, Tamborina was alone with Lumpy on the lunar surface, so that they could die together.
Altair and Gortex ran into each other during their separate rampages through the moonbase. Altair informed Gortex that he had no business on the moonbase now…he’d only been there due to the blood-debt he owed to Captain Flash Buckstar, and Altair had killed Buckstar. Enraged, Gortex swore an oath of blood-vengeance…an oath that took the form of a song. Altair joined in.
Prince Schmultan addressed the Hawk-people to announce two major events: his wedding and their impending doom. Schmultan explained that his bride-to-be had run off, and that he would now marry anyone who’d have him…except that one audience member who yelled “Pick me!”
While flying overhead, Gaye and Stephan noticed Tamborina and Lumpy surrounded by space-dingoes. Gaye threw down a ladder and descended to Tamborina’s side, blasting the dingoes with her Cosmic Disemboweler. As Tamborina thanked Gaye for saving her life, Stephan suddenly shouted “See ya later, bitches!” and flew off on his own.
Searching for the doomsday device, Dmitri ran into Altair, who boasted of his plan to destroy the solar system. (“You’re dead and you don’t even know it…and not because you died a couple of weeks ago.”) Dmitri did the only thing possible to get past Altair…tickling him.
Armageddon Uno ran into Schmultan, who told him that the moon’s path could be reversed by the Hawk-people’s secret Giant Gearshift built into the moon…but they needed a huge explosion to activate it.
As Gaye carried Tamborina to safety, they suddenly realized that they’d forgotten all about Lumpy. Once again, they both fell into deep despair.
GAYE: “I think I have something to put us out of our misery.”
TAMBORINA: “Is it a big fuckin’ gun to put to my head?”
GAYE: “It’s a big secret password to a doomsday device.”
Gaye explained that her toy, Mr. Mister 4th of July, held all the moonbase’s secrets, including the password.
Stephan crashed the shuttle into the casino, utterly destroying it. Then he walked away, whooping with excitement.
Armageddon and Schmultan were in the wedding hall, searching for the doomsday device, when Dmitri arrived. Seeing the wedding cake, Dmitri remembered that he hid the doomsday device in the cake-topper. Schmultan offered to set it off, explaining that he had nothing to live for. Just then, Lumpy crawled in. They agreed that Lumpy would be the perfect person to make the sacrifice, since she had no future and nobody who’d miss her. Schmultan stuffed the cake into Lumpy’s pajamas, then threw her into a portal to the engines.
ARMAGEDDON: “Okay, everybody says I’m the asshole…I’d just like to point out that you two just strapped a bomb to a baby and threw her in a hole!”
Rampaging across the moon surface, Gortex ran into Tamborina and Gaye. Gaye angrily accused Gortex of playing around with everybody and breaking everyone’s heart. Gortex defended himself by claiming that, although he’d formed relationships with four different people, he hadn’t betrayed any of them…remember, Klingons have five genders.
The blast of the doomsday device blew Stephan into the wedding hall. Assessing the damage, Dmitri declared that, although half of the moon had been blown away (“the dark side is gone, but nobody’ll miss it”), the remaining half was restored to its rightful orbit and everything was fine. Just then, Gortex, Gaye, and Tamborina entered. Gortex demanded that Armageddon use his authority as a ship captain to perform a Klingon wedding ceremony for Gortex, Dmitri, Schmultan, Tamborina, and Gaye…the five people who would make the perfect couple. Everybody was so overjoyed that they forgave Altair for trying to destroy all life. Armageddon performed the ceremony, and the five brides and grooms performed the traditional Klingon simultaneous five-way tongue-kiss. The computer reported a virus error.
THE END
Saturday, February 21, 2009
Friday, February 20, 2009
Season 9, Episode 9: Mystery in Space
Episode 9: Mystery in Space
His spine having been broken by Altair-9000, Stephan Fechet was lying in the hospital when Dr. Gaye Hoelikker came by to treat him with another of her hawk-guano tonics. She hoped she could cure him as a farewell present before she leaves for the planet Mystic Handjob.
Armageddon Uno delivered the turbo engines that Altair had requested. As payment, Armageddon wanted Altair to find out who killed Dmitri Turnankoff last week, so that Armageddon could take the killer’s scalp in revenge.
Prince Schmultan of the Hawk-People went to Tamborina to discuss the upbringing of Lumpy, the baby that Dr. Hoelikker had given to Tamborina. Having only a short time left to live, Tamborina wanted to spend her last days with the baby. Schmultan swore to be with her as well. (“I’ll die with you…I mean, I’ll be with you when YOU die.”)
Captain Flash Buckstar was flying a kite in preparation for the upcoming Kite-Off competition. A crewman named Bob came by with some data for Buckstar to enter into the Computron. Rather than put down his kite, Buckstar told Bob his personal ID code. As Bob entered the numbers, the Computron, registering Bob as Buckstar, delivered a fatal electric shock.
Armageddon Uno was up at Inspiration Point, preparing to bury Dmitri’s shirt as a farewell ceremony, when Dr. Gaye Hoelikker came by and noticed the tears in his eyes. Reluctantly, Armageddon explained that he had lost his “best friend of three minutes,” and had sworn to kill Dmitri’s murderer. Now that he had gotten that secret off his chest, he felt it was only fair that Gaye tell him a secret of hers. When Gaye hesitated, Armageddon remembered that she’d given him “Mr. Mister 4th of July,” her toy that stored everybody’s deepest secrets. As he held the doll up to Gaye’s face, Mr. Mister 4th of July declared “I killed Dmitri Turnankoff.” Enraged, Armageddon threw the toy to the ground and began shooting it. (“Those plushies can be vicious.”) Only afterwards did the synapses in Armageddon’s brain start connecting, and he realized that Gaye was the killer.
Captain Flash Buckstar was knitting a hat for the upcoming Knit-Off competition, when a crewman named Johnny came by with a delivery of peanut butter for the Captain. When Johnny remarked that he hadn’t tasted genuine Earth peanut butter in years, Buckstar offered him some. Johnny took a taste and immediately fell dead.
Altair-9000 stopped by during Stephan’s physical therapy to apologize for breaking his back. Stephan angrily refused the robot’s apology, then began dragging himself along the floor to attack Altair. Easily sidestepping Stephan’s assault, Altair declared that he’d come to put Stephan out of his misery, but Stephan’s feeble attempts at revenge were too hilarious.
Captain Flash Buckstar and Prince Schmultan finished building a house for the Lunar Habitat for Humanity Build-Off. As Buckstar told Schmultan about the string of bad luck and mysterious deaths that had been occurring around him, another crew member walked by and offered to warm up Buckstar’s Camaro for him. Shortly afterwards, there was the sound of a huge explosion and the crewman’s screams of agony.
Stephan Fechet dragged himself into the casino on his walker. To make it easier for him, Schmultan brought the game down to the floor. Trying to encourage Stephan, Schmultan revealed that in his youth, he suffered from wingiosis, a crippling deformity of the wings. Schmultan urged Stephan to overcome his disability just as he had.
Captain Flash Buckstar was in the final frame of the Miniature Bowling Bowl-Off when Armageddon Uno came by with a hank of hair stuffed in his belt. Armageddon explained that he’d tried to scalp Dmitri’s killer as he’d sworn, but he only managed to cut off one pigtail before she ran away. As Buckstar told Armageddon about the attempts on his life, another crewman entered. (“Somebody mailed me this vial of poison and told me to give it to you. Think I’ll drink it myself.”)
Setting up the turbo engines, Altair-9000 gloated about his plan to accelerate the moon out of its orbit and into the sun. He attempted a diabolical laugh.
Tamborina went to Dr. Gaye Hoelikker’s office and was startled to see the half-scalped Gaye’s new asymmetrical hairdo. Running a medical scanner over Tamborina, Gaye confirmed that Tamborina was dying, but hinted that she might be able to do something with the DNA that’s been accumulating on the cigarette Tamborina’s had in her mouth for 50 years. Setting down for a heart-to-heart talk, Tamborina said that she thought Gaye and Schmultan would make a good couple, and that they could raise Gaye’s baby together.
Armageddon Uno was piloting Stephan Fechet to another doctor who might be able to fix Stephan’s spine. In an attempt to make it easier for Stephan to sit, Armageddon unstrapped Stephan’s backpack. Freed of its weight, Stephan suddenly stood up and began walking. (“It was the backpack the entire time!”)
Captain Flash Buckstar used the Computron to contact the world’s greatest detective, Sir John Holmes of Scotland Yard, who appeared as a holographic projection. After Buckstar explained all the attempts on his life, Holmes started his amazing deductions. Unfortunately, before he could reveal the killer’s identity, the connection was broken.
Prince Schmultan took Tamborina out to the pool for one last fling. When she asked who was taking care of the baby, he replied that he’d left her at home alone, but reassured Tamborina that she’d be fine. As she began to lecture him on parental responsibility, he explained that he was only kidding…he’d left her in Armageddon Uno’s care. Just then, Armageddon came by with Lumpy and threw her into the pool to teach her to swim. Schmultan dove in and rescued her, and Tamborina apologized for doubting him. Schmultan asked Tamborina to marry him.
Captain Flash Buckstar discovered one of the turbo engines Altair had set up, and figured that this was part of the plot to kill him. Just then, the killer finally revealed himself…it was none other than an older version of Buckstar himself! The older Buckstar explained that he’d come back in time to kill his younger self, since he’d always hated himself and what he’d done to his career. Altair-9000 and Armageddon Uno entered, and Altair revealed that the future Buckstar had promised him the secret to becoming human in exchange for killing the past Buckstar. Altair snapped the young Buckstar’s neck, and both Buckstars fell dead on top of each other. Altair and Armageddon then headed off to activate the turbo engines.
TO BE CONTINUED…
His spine having been broken by Altair-9000, Stephan Fechet was lying in the hospital when Dr. Gaye Hoelikker came by to treat him with another of her hawk-guano tonics. She hoped she could cure him as a farewell present before she leaves for the planet Mystic Handjob.
Armageddon Uno delivered the turbo engines that Altair had requested. As payment, Armageddon wanted Altair to find out who killed Dmitri Turnankoff last week, so that Armageddon could take the killer’s scalp in revenge.
Prince Schmultan of the Hawk-People went to Tamborina to discuss the upbringing of Lumpy, the baby that Dr. Hoelikker had given to Tamborina. Having only a short time left to live, Tamborina wanted to spend her last days with the baby. Schmultan swore to be with her as well. (“I’ll die with you…I mean, I’ll be with you when YOU die.”)
Captain Flash Buckstar was flying a kite in preparation for the upcoming Kite-Off competition. A crewman named Bob came by with some data for Buckstar to enter into the Computron. Rather than put down his kite, Buckstar told Bob his personal ID code. As Bob entered the numbers, the Computron, registering Bob as Buckstar, delivered a fatal electric shock.
Armageddon Uno was up at Inspiration Point, preparing to bury Dmitri’s shirt as a farewell ceremony, when Dr. Gaye Hoelikker came by and noticed the tears in his eyes. Reluctantly, Armageddon explained that he had lost his “best friend of three minutes,” and had sworn to kill Dmitri’s murderer. Now that he had gotten that secret off his chest, he felt it was only fair that Gaye tell him a secret of hers. When Gaye hesitated, Armageddon remembered that she’d given him “Mr. Mister 4th of July,” her toy that stored everybody’s deepest secrets. As he held the doll up to Gaye’s face, Mr. Mister 4th of July declared “I killed Dmitri Turnankoff.” Enraged, Armageddon threw the toy to the ground and began shooting it. (“Those plushies can be vicious.”) Only afterwards did the synapses in Armageddon’s brain start connecting, and he realized that Gaye was the killer.
Captain Flash Buckstar was knitting a hat for the upcoming Knit-Off competition, when a crewman named Johnny came by with a delivery of peanut butter for the Captain. When Johnny remarked that he hadn’t tasted genuine Earth peanut butter in years, Buckstar offered him some. Johnny took a taste and immediately fell dead.
Altair-9000 stopped by during Stephan’s physical therapy to apologize for breaking his back. Stephan angrily refused the robot’s apology, then began dragging himself along the floor to attack Altair. Easily sidestepping Stephan’s assault, Altair declared that he’d come to put Stephan out of his misery, but Stephan’s feeble attempts at revenge were too hilarious.
Captain Flash Buckstar and Prince Schmultan finished building a house for the Lunar Habitat for Humanity Build-Off. As Buckstar told Schmultan about the string of bad luck and mysterious deaths that had been occurring around him, another crew member walked by and offered to warm up Buckstar’s Camaro for him. Shortly afterwards, there was the sound of a huge explosion and the crewman’s screams of agony.
Stephan Fechet dragged himself into the casino on his walker. To make it easier for him, Schmultan brought the game down to the floor. Trying to encourage Stephan, Schmultan revealed that in his youth, he suffered from wingiosis, a crippling deformity of the wings. Schmultan urged Stephan to overcome his disability just as he had.
Captain Flash Buckstar was in the final frame of the Miniature Bowling Bowl-Off when Armageddon Uno came by with a hank of hair stuffed in his belt. Armageddon explained that he’d tried to scalp Dmitri’s killer as he’d sworn, but he only managed to cut off one pigtail before she ran away. As Buckstar told Armageddon about the attempts on his life, another crewman entered. (“Somebody mailed me this vial of poison and told me to give it to you. Think I’ll drink it myself.”)
Setting up the turbo engines, Altair-9000 gloated about his plan to accelerate the moon out of its orbit and into the sun. He attempted a diabolical laugh.
Tamborina went to Dr. Gaye Hoelikker’s office and was startled to see the half-scalped Gaye’s new asymmetrical hairdo. Running a medical scanner over Tamborina, Gaye confirmed that Tamborina was dying, but hinted that she might be able to do something with the DNA that’s been accumulating on the cigarette Tamborina’s had in her mouth for 50 years. Setting down for a heart-to-heart talk, Tamborina said that she thought Gaye and Schmultan would make a good couple, and that they could raise Gaye’s baby together.
Armageddon Uno was piloting Stephan Fechet to another doctor who might be able to fix Stephan’s spine. In an attempt to make it easier for Stephan to sit, Armageddon unstrapped Stephan’s backpack. Freed of its weight, Stephan suddenly stood up and began walking. (“It was the backpack the entire time!”)
Captain Flash Buckstar used the Computron to contact the world’s greatest detective, Sir John Holmes of Scotland Yard, who appeared as a holographic projection. After Buckstar explained all the attempts on his life, Holmes started his amazing deductions. Unfortunately, before he could reveal the killer’s identity, the connection was broken.
Prince Schmultan took Tamborina out to the pool for one last fling. When she asked who was taking care of the baby, he replied that he’d left her at home alone, but reassured Tamborina that she’d be fine. As she began to lecture him on parental responsibility, he explained that he was only kidding…he’d left her in Armageddon Uno’s care. Just then, Armageddon came by with Lumpy and threw her into the pool to teach her to swim. Schmultan dove in and rescued her, and Tamborina apologized for doubting him. Schmultan asked Tamborina to marry him.
Captain Flash Buckstar discovered one of the turbo engines Altair had set up, and figured that this was part of the plot to kill him. Just then, the killer finally revealed himself…it was none other than an older version of Buckstar himself! The older Buckstar explained that he’d come back in time to kill his younger self, since he’d always hated himself and what he’d done to his career. Altair-9000 and Armageddon Uno entered, and Altair revealed that the future Buckstar had promised him the secret to becoming human in exchange for killing the past Buckstar. Altair snapped the young Buckstar’s neck, and both Buckstars fell dead on top of each other. Altair and Armageddon then headed off to activate the turbo engines.
TO BE CONTINUED…
Thursday, February 19, 2009
Season 9, Episode 8: To the Death
Episode 8: To the Death
In the bar, Dr. Gaye Hoelikker was still hiding in a burlap sack, waiting to come out for Altair’s birthday party. Gortex arrived and informed her that she’d missed the party. (“It was quite good. He went insane and hurt people.”) Removing the sack, Gortex was stunned to see that Gaye had given birth while waiting. Gortex held the baby and began crying. (“Those aren’t tears, it’s clear blood! We call it eye plasma!”)
Back from his Officers and Gentlemen Convention, Captain Flash Buckstar summoned Altair to the command center to fill him in on what had happened during his absence. After a long conversation filled with mangled metaphors and a complete lack of information, Altair announced that he was sick of Buckstar’s incompetence.
Tamborina received a visit from her old dance partner, Sal Steinbersky. Sal informed her that he’d figured out a loophole in Earth’s gambling prohibition, and invited her to join him at his new casino. She replied that she had some issues to resolve in her relationship with Prince Schmultan. Plus, she couldn’t leave without a big show-stopper…or a killing spree.
Armageddon Uno and Dmitri Turnankoff (now healed from his near-fatal poisoning) were returning to the moonbase, following their wacky adventures through the galaxy.
DMITRI: “Our hatred has turned to grudging respect, then friendship, then creepy love, then back to friendship.”
During a Little League game between Earth children and Hawk-Children, Buckstar took Schmultan aside to discuss Schmultan’s fear-based coaching techniques, but their effectiveness was proved when a Hawk-child hit a home run. Buckstar gave the kid a congratulatory pat on the ass, much to Schmultan’s dismay.
Dr. Hoelikker introduced Tamborina to her new baby. (“I call her Lumpy, ’cause she was born in a potato sack and she’s slightly misshapen.”) Gaye confessed that she didn’t feel that she’d make a good mother, but couldn’t give the child up for adoption because Gortex wanted to be a father so badly. Tamborina suggested that Gaye give the baby to her, and she’d let Gortex have visitation rights.
Meeting Armageddon Uno at the base’s Bill Bixby film festival, Altair-9000 asked Armageddon to use his smuggling prowess to get him five turbo engines. As payment, Altair would arrange it so that Armageddon would continually win at Texas Hold ’Em.
Because Dmitri had, a long time ago, shot down Gortex’s ship and stranded him on the moon, Gortex now challenged him to a death-match in the moon arena. Dmitri could bring whatever weapons he wished, while Gortex would go unarmed. (“I AM a weapon.”)
Later, Gortex stopped by the casino and saw Tamborina with Gaye’s baby. After Tamborina explained that she’d adopted her, Gortex asked to hold the baby. Gortex stuck the baby under his shirt, explaining that, in Klingon society, it is the men who breast-feed their young. (“Klingon nursing is not like your weak, liquid nourishment…it’s solid and crunchy.”)
Dr. Hoelikker was low-gravity skydiving with Altair-9000, reveling in the freedom she’d regained since giving up her baby. Out of respect for her, Altair warned her to leave the moonbase and return to Earth “if you don’t want to go up in a flaming ball of flame.” When she asked how much time she had, Altair replied “I estimate one to three episodes.”
In the spa, Sal Steinbersky confronted Prince Schmultan about their rivalry for Tamborina’s heart. They realized that Tamborina herself was the only one who could decide which one of them she loved.
SCHMULTAN: “We let her choose. If she’s indecisive, we do paper/rock/scissors… moon style!”
At the command center, Dmitri confessed to Captain Flash Buckstar that he had been a KGB agent spying on the moonbase, but his recent brush with death had made him turn over a new leaf. He revealed that, before his change of heart, he had placed a voice-activacted doomsday device somewhere on the base…but due to his illness, he could no longer remember its location or the code-word.
Armageddon Uno was haggling with some Jawas over the turbo engines, when Dr. Gaye Hoelikker came by and told him she was leaving the moonbase. As a parting gift, she gave him her rocket-shaped toy, “Mr. Mister 4th of July,” which held the secrets of everybody on the moonbase. To demonstrate, she pressed its head, and a recorded voice announced “Armageddon Uno has one testicle.” As Armageddon accepted the remarkable gift, Gaye announced that she was heading off to the Mystic Handjob Planet.
Sal Steinbersky and Prince Schmultan asked Tamborina which one of them she loved. Without hesitation, she said that she loved Schmultan. However, she had yet another revelation for them…she only had a few days left to live. She asked Schmultan to look after the baby after she’s gone.
Dmitri Turnankoff and Gortex met in the arena for their death-match. Since Gortex had told him he could bring any weapons (plural), Dmitri brought a huge box full of armaments. Before the match begain, Gortex and Dmitri expressed their respect for each other, and Dmitri gave Gortex a swig of vodka. The match began, and they squared off to the tune of “Hangin’ Tough.” Dmitri grievously wounded Gortex with a machine-gun and rocket launcher, but before he could deal the final blow, Dr. Gaye Hoelikker suddenly grabbed a Cosmic Disemboweler and shot Dmitri.
TO BE CONTINUED…
In the bar, Dr. Gaye Hoelikker was still hiding in a burlap sack, waiting to come out for Altair’s birthday party. Gortex arrived and informed her that she’d missed the party. (“It was quite good. He went insane and hurt people.”) Removing the sack, Gortex was stunned to see that Gaye had given birth while waiting. Gortex held the baby and began crying. (“Those aren’t tears, it’s clear blood! We call it eye plasma!”)
Back from his Officers and Gentlemen Convention, Captain Flash Buckstar summoned Altair to the command center to fill him in on what had happened during his absence. After a long conversation filled with mangled metaphors and a complete lack of information, Altair announced that he was sick of Buckstar’s incompetence.
Tamborina received a visit from her old dance partner, Sal Steinbersky. Sal informed her that he’d figured out a loophole in Earth’s gambling prohibition, and invited her to join him at his new casino. She replied that she had some issues to resolve in her relationship with Prince Schmultan. Plus, she couldn’t leave without a big show-stopper…or a killing spree.
Armageddon Uno and Dmitri Turnankoff (now healed from his near-fatal poisoning) were returning to the moonbase, following their wacky adventures through the galaxy.
DMITRI: “Our hatred has turned to grudging respect, then friendship, then creepy love, then back to friendship.”
During a Little League game between Earth children and Hawk-Children, Buckstar took Schmultan aside to discuss Schmultan’s fear-based coaching techniques, but their effectiveness was proved when a Hawk-child hit a home run. Buckstar gave the kid a congratulatory pat on the ass, much to Schmultan’s dismay.
Dr. Hoelikker introduced Tamborina to her new baby. (“I call her Lumpy, ’cause she was born in a potato sack and she’s slightly misshapen.”) Gaye confessed that she didn’t feel that she’d make a good mother, but couldn’t give the child up for adoption because Gortex wanted to be a father so badly. Tamborina suggested that Gaye give the baby to her, and she’d let Gortex have visitation rights.
Meeting Armageddon Uno at the base’s Bill Bixby film festival, Altair-9000 asked Armageddon to use his smuggling prowess to get him five turbo engines. As payment, Altair would arrange it so that Armageddon would continually win at Texas Hold ’Em.
Because Dmitri had, a long time ago, shot down Gortex’s ship and stranded him on the moon, Gortex now challenged him to a death-match in the moon arena. Dmitri could bring whatever weapons he wished, while Gortex would go unarmed. (“I AM a weapon.”)
Later, Gortex stopped by the casino and saw Tamborina with Gaye’s baby. After Tamborina explained that she’d adopted her, Gortex asked to hold the baby. Gortex stuck the baby under his shirt, explaining that, in Klingon society, it is the men who breast-feed their young. (“Klingon nursing is not like your weak, liquid nourishment…it’s solid and crunchy.”)
Dr. Hoelikker was low-gravity skydiving with Altair-9000, reveling in the freedom she’d regained since giving up her baby. Out of respect for her, Altair warned her to leave the moonbase and return to Earth “if you don’t want to go up in a flaming ball of flame.” When she asked how much time she had, Altair replied “I estimate one to three episodes.”
In the spa, Sal Steinbersky confronted Prince Schmultan about their rivalry for Tamborina’s heart. They realized that Tamborina herself was the only one who could decide which one of them she loved.
SCHMULTAN: “We let her choose. If she’s indecisive, we do paper/rock/scissors… moon style!”
At the command center, Dmitri confessed to Captain Flash Buckstar that he had been a KGB agent spying on the moonbase, but his recent brush with death had made him turn over a new leaf. He revealed that, before his change of heart, he had placed a voice-activacted doomsday device somewhere on the base…but due to his illness, he could no longer remember its location or the code-word.
Armageddon Uno was haggling with some Jawas over the turbo engines, when Dr. Gaye Hoelikker came by and told him she was leaving the moonbase. As a parting gift, she gave him her rocket-shaped toy, “Mr. Mister 4th of July,” which held the secrets of everybody on the moonbase. To demonstrate, she pressed its head, and a recorded voice announced “Armageddon Uno has one testicle.” As Armageddon accepted the remarkable gift, Gaye announced that she was heading off to the Mystic Handjob Planet.
Sal Steinbersky and Prince Schmultan asked Tamborina which one of them she loved. Without hesitation, she said that she loved Schmultan. However, she had yet another revelation for them…she only had a few days left to live. She asked Schmultan to look after the baby after she’s gone.
Dmitri Turnankoff and Gortex met in the arena for their death-match. Since Gortex had told him he could bring any weapons (plural), Dmitri brought a huge box full of armaments. Before the match begain, Gortex and Dmitri expressed their respect for each other, and Dmitri gave Gortex a swig of vodka. The match began, and they squared off to the tune of “Hangin’ Tough.” Dmitri grievously wounded Gortex with a machine-gun and rocket launcher, but before he could deal the final blow, Dr. Gaye Hoelikker suddenly grabbed a Cosmic Disemboweler and shot Dmitri.
TO BE CONTINUED…
Wednesday, February 18, 2009
Season 9, Episode 7: Before a Live Studio Audience
Episode 7: Before a Live Studio Audience
Stephan Fechet stopped by Dr. Gaye Hoelikker’s lab to apologize for his failure to make the world a better place…and his failure to destroy it. They got sidetracked into a discussion of the origin of the phrase “Close but no cigar.”
Gortex the Klingon had just finished putting up some bunting for Altair’s surprise birthday party when Prince Schmultan stopped by to discuss their awkward encounters last week. Gortex insisted that he had simply been performing mouth-to-mouth resuscitation, with the characteristic Klingon passion and intensity.
Altair-9000 was taking some temperature readings when he was surprised by Babs Gage, host of “Wild On,” accompanied by her live studio audience. She began interviewing Altair about his work on the moonbase, but when she brought up his past as the head of the giant robot Valtair, he cut the interview short and stormed out.
Slightly scarred from the scorching of the Earth, Tamborina returned to the moonbase and apologized to Schmultan for leaving. She explained that she left because her feelings for him were too intense, and she needed to get her head together. Schmultan confessed that he may or may not have started a relationship with Gortex…and that he accidentally killed Tamborina’s sister Harmonica.
Gaye Hoelikker and Gortex were manning a bake sale and discussing her pregnancy. Gortex asked if she’d chosen a father figure for her child, and she replied that she was thinking of going it alone. Gortex warned her that she had a hard road ahead of her; she’d lived all 17 years of her life as a genius child prodigy, and now must leave childhood behind her. Not wanting to give up her immaturity, she suggested that she could be like those “babies having babies” from all the news stories.
Stephan Fechet was cleaning up when Babs Gage came by. Stunned to see his former wife, Stephan apologized for losing her and their child in a bet many years ago. Their reunion was made even more awkward by the presence of the live studio audience. They exchanged apologies by breaking into song.
After doing a soft-shoe number as a birthday present to Altair, Tamborina asked him how her burns looked. (“On a scale from passable to hideous, you look okay.”) Tamborina confessed that, as an entertainer, she’d relied on her looks all her life. Altair replied that he cared, not about her outward appearance, but about the heart beneath that scarred exterior.
Schmultan asked Gaye for assistance in applying sparkles to a robot cozy for Altair’s birthday. Gaye was startled by Schmultan’s interest in crafts, since she’d always thought of him as being so strong and masculine. (“If I weren’t so strong, I wouldn’t be secure enough to decorate with teddy bears playing volleyball.”)
Gortex was skipping stones in the lunar canals when Babs Gage arrived. Gortex was stunned and honored to meet her, explaining that the Klingon government was modeled after broadcasts of “Wild On.” Babs asked Gortex about his hidden talents, and he demonstrated by singing a love song to a woman from the live studio audience.
Later on, Babs and Stephan were enjoying a walk on the moon, catching up on old times. Suddenly, Dr. Gaye Hoelikker arrived, and was shocked to see Stephan with another woman (not to mention the live studio audience). Pointing out that Stephan had asked her to be his Queen of Evil, Gaye angrily asked how he could have led her on like that. Babs was appalled that Stephan would do such a thing to a 17-year-old girl, but Stephan tried to explain that he wasn’t the father of Gaye’s child.
Gortex and Schmultan were out for a swim, gazing up at the Earth. As Gortex reminisced about his harsh life on the Klingon homeworld, Tamborina swam by and told Schmultan that she couldn’t forgive him for killing her sister…not to mention sleeping with a Klingon. Schmultan tried to assure her that it was all very innocent and manly.
Moping that nobody besides Tamborina had remembered his birthday, Altair was at the moonbase’s racetrack when Gaye stopped by. After apologizing for programming him to kill, Gaye asked why she hadn’t been invited to his birthday party. Overjoyed to learn that the others were planning a birthday party for him, Altair told her that he’d be happy to invite her, but he had no say in the matter. He suggested that she could sneak into the party by putting on a burlap sack and disguising herself as a bag of potatoes.
Babs Gage and Tamborina did an elaborate dance routine for “Wild On.” Afterwards, Babs asked Tamborina for a favor…she wanted Tamborina to kill Dr. Hoelikker, the woman who stood between Babs and her husband. When Tamborina pointed out that Stephan was the one who had singed the Earth and scarred Tamborina’s face, Babs agreed that Stephan and Gaye should both die.
Gortex and Stephan were having fruity daiquiris (though Gortex, maintaining his macho image, explained that it was “frozen blood whiskey”) and discussing the opposite sex…or, in the case of Klingons, any one of the other four sexes. Stunned, Stephan asked who wears the pants in Klingon society. (“Two of the genders wear pants, one wears a skirt, one a kilt, and one is a large amorphous blob.”) Gortex confessed that he’d developed great respect for Gaye Hoelikker, and swore he’d kill anyone who stood between them. Stephan attempted to calm Gortex down by giving him a neckrub.
Altair had just arrived in his quarters when Gortex, Schmultan, Tamborina and Stephan jumped out and yelled “Surprise!” Touched by the party, Altair’s emotional functions began working as never before, and he found himself crying. Altair pondered this unfamiliar phenomenon of fluid leaking from his optics, but before he could figure it out, the tears suddenly began short-circuiting him. Blindly running amok, Altair knocked Stephan to the ground before finally collapsing.
Ending her broadcast, Babs Gage was signing off when she was interrupted by a potato sack shouting “Happy Birthday!”
TO BE CONTINUED…
Stephan Fechet stopped by Dr. Gaye Hoelikker’s lab to apologize for his failure to make the world a better place…and his failure to destroy it. They got sidetracked into a discussion of the origin of the phrase “Close but no cigar.”
Gortex the Klingon had just finished putting up some bunting for Altair’s surprise birthday party when Prince Schmultan stopped by to discuss their awkward encounters last week. Gortex insisted that he had simply been performing mouth-to-mouth resuscitation, with the characteristic Klingon passion and intensity.
Altair-9000 was taking some temperature readings when he was surprised by Babs Gage, host of “Wild On,” accompanied by her live studio audience. She began interviewing Altair about his work on the moonbase, but when she brought up his past as the head of the giant robot Valtair, he cut the interview short and stormed out.
Slightly scarred from the scorching of the Earth, Tamborina returned to the moonbase and apologized to Schmultan for leaving. She explained that she left because her feelings for him were too intense, and she needed to get her head together. Schmultan confessed that he may or may not have started a relationship with Gortex…and that he accidentally killed Tamborina’s sister Harmonica.
Gaye Hoelikker and Gortex were manning a bake sale and discussing her pregnancy. Gortex asked if she’d chosen a father figure for her child, and she replied that she was thinking of going it alone. Gortex warned her that she had a hard road ahead of her; she’d lived all 17 years of her life as a genius child prodigy, and now must leave childhood behind her. Not wanting to give up her immaturity, she suggested that she could be like those “babies having babies” from all the news stories.
Stephan Fechet was cleaning up when Babs Gage came by. Stunned to see his former wife, Stephan apologized for losing her and their child in a bet many years ago. Their reunion was made even more awkward by the presence of the live studio audience. They exchanged apologies by breaking into song.
After doing a soft-shoe number as a birthday present to Altair, Tamborina asked him how her burns looked. (“On a scale from passable to hideous, you look okay.”) Tamborina confessed that, as an entertainer, she’d relied on her looks all her life. Altair replied that he cared, not about her outward appearance, but about the heart beneath that scarred exterior.
Schmultan asked Gaye for assistance in applying sparkles to a robot cozy for Altair’s birthday. Gaye was startled by Schmultan’s interest in crafts, since she’d always thought of him as being so strong and masculine. (“If I weren’t so strong, I wouldn’t be secure enough to decorate with teddy bears playing volleyball.”)
Gortex was skipping stones in the lunar canals when Babs Gage arrived. Gortex was stunned and honored to meet her, explaining that the Klingon government was modeled after broadcasts of “Wild On.” Babs asked Gortex about his hidden talents, and he demonstrated by singing a love song to a woman from the live studio audience.
Later on, Babs and Stephan were enjoying a walk on the moon, catching up on old times. Suddenly, Dr. Gaye Hoelikker arrived, and was shocked to see Stephan with another woman (not to mention the live studio audience). Pointing out that Stephan had asked her to be his Queen of Evil, Gaye angrily asked how he could have led her on like that. Babs was appalled that Stephan would do such a thing to a 17-year-old girl, but Stephan tried to explain that he wasn’t the father of Gaye’s child.
Gortex and Schmultan were out for a swim, gazing up at the Earth. As Gortex reminisced about his harsh life on the Klingon homeworld, Tamborina swam by and told Schmultan that she couldn’t forgive him for killing her sister…not to mention sleeping with a Klingon. Schmultan tried to assure her that it was all very innocent and manly.
Moping that nobody besides Tamborina had remembered his birthday, Altair was at the moonbase’s racetrack when Gaye stopped by. After apologizing for programming him to kill, Gaye asked why she hadn’t been invited to his birthday party. Overjoyed to learn that the others were planning a birthday party for him, Altair told her that he’d be happy to invite her, but he had no say in the matter. He suggested that she could sneak into the party by putting on a burlap sack and disguising herself as a bag of potatoes.
Babs Gage and Tamborina did an elaborate dance routine for “Wild On.” Afterwards, Babs asked Tamborina for a favor…she wanted Tamborina to kill Dr. Hoelikker, the woman who stood between Babs and her husband. When Tamborina pointed out that Stephan was the one who had singed the Earth and scarred Tamborina’s face, Babs agreed that Stephan and Gaye should both die.
Gortex and Stephan were having fruity daiquiris (though Gortex, maintaining his macho image, explained that it was “frozen blood whiskey”) and discussing the opposite sex…or, in the case of Klingons, any one of the other four sexes. Stunned, Stephan asked who wears the pants in Klingon society. (“Two of the genders wear pants, one wears a skirt, one a kilt, and one is a large amorphous blob.”) Gortex confessed that he’d developed great respect for Gaye Hoelikker, and swore he’d kill anyone who stood between them. Stephan attempted to calm Gortex down by giving him a neckrub.
Altair had just arrived in his quarters when Gortex, Schmultan, Tamborina and Stephan jumped out and yelled “Surprise!” Touched by the party, Altair’s emotional functions began working as never before, and he found himself crying. Altair pondered this unfamiliar phenomenon of fluid leaking from his optics, but before he could figure it out, the tears suddenly began short-circuiting him. Blindly running amok, Altair knocked Stephan to the ground before finally collapsing.
Ending her broadcast, Babs Gage was signing off when she was interrupted by a potato sack shouting “Happy Birthday!”
TO BE CONTINUED…
Tuesday, February 17, 2009
Season 9, Episode 6: Everybody Dies
Episode 6: Everybody Dies
Captain Flash Buckstar and Harmonica were preparing for the moonbase’s upcoming Fantasy Enchantment Parade. This had to be the biggest event of the season, outdoing even the Sandy Hawkins Dance on Uranus. As they discussed the plans, they found that they could no longer hide their feelings for one another, and they decided to meet later that night…privately.
In the shuttle, Gortex was carrying a passenger to the base: Blake Cherish, former kickboxing champion turned corporate surveyor for Peck Calhoun’s oil company. Blake explained that, now that Calhoun had bought the moon’s oil supply from the Hawk-People, he’d been sent to observe and evaluate the moonbase personnel. Gortex was more interested in Blake’s martial-arts prowess, and challenged him to unarmed combat.
While preparing the drinks for the big event, Prince Schmultan told Altair-9000 how much he respected Altair for his memory and abilities. Altair replied that nobody had ever expressed appreciation for him…they were usually too busy giving him orders and reprogramming him to kill. Schmultan offered him a Restraint Restrainer to stop him from being reprogrammed again, but told him he had to decide for himself whether to install it.
Harmonica greeted Johnny Forever, the entertainer hired for the Fantasy Enchantment Parade. She told him that he’d be sharing the bill with Altair, who would be showing off his pop-and-lock dance moves. Johnny exclaimed that he’d been looking for a pop-and-lock dancer for his own act.
Flash Buckstar was at the console when Blake Cherish entered for Buckstar’s evaluation. Blake observed that Buckstar had been stripped of command several times and was never actually reappointed. However, he offered Buckstar a chance to make himself useful in the parade by sitting in a cage while kids throw wet sausages at him. Buckstar liked the idea of the cage and wet sausages, but suggested that they get drunk women instead of kids. They could make a video of it, and throw in a robot with no restraints…a Robot Gone Wild.
Johnny Forever asked Altair to dance in his shown. Altair agreed, but warned that he didn’t dare do his signature backspin move…the last time he tried it, he spun so fast that he accidentally cut off the legs of several kids. Johnny revealed that he knew all about the Backspin Massacre of Topeka…in fact, he had gone on Celebrity Jeopardy to raise money to get those kids new legs, so everything was all right now.
Schmultan and Gortex were putting the finishing touches on their parade float. Schmultan complimented Gortex on his floral arrangements and cherubs. Gortex first tried to maintain his macho Klingon image (“It’s the Flying Baby of Death!”), but finally confessed that Klingons are passionate in all things…not just war, but also decorating, baking and macramé. Johnny Forever came by and awarded their float the blue ribbon. Schmultan and Gortex hugged each other in celebration, then agreed never to mention it again.
Later, Johnny Forever ran into Gortex in the casino. Johnny reminisced about his last tour of the Klingon system, where he scored with 5 Klingon women. Gortex asked if he was sure about that, explaining that Klingons have five genders. (“Male, female, shemale, emale, and centidomingo.”) Unfazed by this revelation, Johnny offered Gortex a spot in the show: Gortex would demonstrate his talent by killing a random audience member with an empty can of Pabst Blue Ribbon.
Flash Buckstar and Harmonica went out for a picnic, flirting over peanut butter. As they held each other passionately, Flash suddenly began choking on the peanut butter. Thinking quickly, Harmonica turned their embrace into the Heimlich maneuver.
Prince Schmultan was manning the festival’s blood-drive tent when Blake Cherish came by to evaluate him. After donating a pint, Blake informed Schmultan that the Hawk-People were standing in the way of corporate progress, then ordered Schmultan to clip his wings. A fight broke out. When Schmultan accidentally got his head stuck in a bucket, Blake seized the opportunity by stripping off his jacket and strangling Schmultan with it.
After setting up a camera for his “Robots Gone Wild” video, Flash Buckstar called Altair to the bridge and offered him a beer. Buckstar asked Altair if he’d ever been in a video, then asked him to shake his stuff for the camera. Altair reluctantly opened his chest panel, then sobbed that he felt dirty. In the interest of fairness, Buckstar opened his shirt for Altair.
In the bar, Johnny Forever asked Blake Cherish to join his show. (“I admire a man in a Mary Lou Retton jacket.”) Blake offered to demonstrate his kickboxing skills by fighting Gortex to the death. Johnny replied that Gortex already had a spot in the show, and suggested that he battle Buckstar instead.
Harmonica ran into the casino and told Gortex that she feared for Buckstar’s safety. Gortex realized that he could finally repay his blood-debt by saving Buckstar’s life. Suddenly, Gortex heard a distress signal, and rushed off to find Schmultan’s still form. Gortex performed mouth-to-mouth resuscitation…and continued the mouth-to-mouth even after Schmultan recovered.
Finally, the time came for Johnny Forever’s Spectacular. Johnny started off the show by singing to a girl from the audience. Johnny then pulled a man from the audience, and Gortex killed him by pressing a PBR can against his throat. Suddenly, Schmultan burst in and demanded vengeance against Blake Cherish. Johnny announced that the deathmatch between Blake and Buckstar would now be a three-way battle. The terrible struggle began. In the course of the melee, Schmultan accidentally impaled Harmonica with his sword-staff…several times. Schmultan slashed Blake, but Blake seized the sword-staff and struck Schmultan and Buckstar before collapsing himself. Gortex rushed to Schmultan’s side for more mouth-to-mouth. Buckstar staggered to his feet and announced that he was all right…just before Altair’s backspin knocked his legs out from under him.
TO BE CONTINUED…
Captain Flash Buckstar and Harmonica were preparing for the moonbase’s upcoming Fantasy Enchantment Parade. This had to be the biggest event of the season, outdoing even the Sandy Hawkins Dance on Uranus. As they discussed the plans, they found that they could no longer hide their feelings for one another, and they decided to meet later that night…privately.
In the shuttle, Gortex was carrying a passenger to the base: Blake Cherish, former kickboxing champion turned corporate surveyor for Peck Calhoun’s oil company. Blake explained that, now that Calhoun had bought the moon’s oil supply from the Hawk-People, he’d been sent to observe and evaluate the moonbase personnel. Gortex was more interested in Blake’s martial-arts prowess, and challenged him to unarmed combat.
While preparing the drinks for the big event, Prince Schmultan told Altair-9000 how much he respected Altair for his memory and abilities. Altair replied that nobody had ever expressed appreciation for him…they were usually too busy giving him orders and reprogramming him to kill. Schmultan offered him a Restraint Restrainer to stop him from being reprogrammed again, but told him he had to decide for himself whether to install it.
Harmonica greeted Johnny Forever, the entertainer hired for the Fantasy Enchantment Parade. She told him that he’d be sharing the bill with Altair, who would be showing off his pop-and-lock dance moves. Johnny exclaimed that he’d been looking for a pop-and-lock dancer for his own act.
Flash Buckstar was at the console when Blake Cherish entered for Buckstar’s evaluation. Blake observed that Buckstar had been stripped of command several times and was never actually reappointed. However, he offered Buckstar a chance to make himself useful in the parade by sitting in a cage while kids throw wet sausages at him. Buckstar liked the idea of the cage and wet sausages, but suggested that they get drunk women instead of kids. They could make a video of it, and throw in a robot with no restraints…a Robot Gone Wild.
Johnny Forever asked Altair to dance in his shown. Altair agreed, but warned that he didn’t dare do his signature backspin move…the last time he tried it, he spun so fast that he accidentally cut off the legs of several kids. Johnny revealed that he knew all about the Backspin Massacre of Topeka…in fact, he had gone on Celebrity Jeopardy to raise money to get those kids new legs, so everything was all right now.
Schmultan and Gortex were putting the finishing touches on their parade float. Schmultan complimented Gortex on his floral arrangements and cherubs. Gortex first tried to maintain his macho Klingon image (“It’s the Flying Baby of Death!”), but finally confessed that Klingons are passionate in all things…not just war, but also decorating, baking and macramé. Johnny Forever came by and awarded their float the blue ribbon. Schmultan and Gortex hugged each other in celebration, then agreed never to mention it again.
Later, Johnny Forever ran into Gortex in the casino. Johnny reminisced about his last tour of the Klingon system, where he scored with 5 Klingon women. Gortex asked if he was sure about that, explaining that Klingons have five genders. (“Male, female, shemale, emale, and centidomingo.”) Unfazed by this revelation, Johnny offered Gortex a spot in the show: Gortex would demonstrate his talent by killing a random audience member with an empty can of Pabst Blue Ribbon.
Flash Buckstar and Harmonica went out for a picnic, flirting over peanut butter. As they held each other passionately, Flash suddenly began choking on the peanut butter. Thinking quickly, Harmonica turned their embrace into the Heimlich maneuver.
Prince Schmultan was manning the festival’s blood-drive tent when Blake Cherish came by to evaluate him. After donating a pint, Blake informed Schmultan that the Hawk-People were standing in the way of corporate progress, then ordered Schmultan to clip his wings. A fight broke out. When Schmultan accidentally got his head stuck in a bucket, Blake seized the opportunity by stripping off his jacket and strangling Schmultan with it.
After setting up a camera for his “Robots Gone Wild” video, Flash Buckstar called Altair to the bridge and offered him a beer. Buckstar asked Altair if he’d ever been in a video, then asked him to shake his stuff for the camera. Altair reluctantly opened his chest panel, then sobbed that he felt dirty. In the interest of fairness, Buckstar opened his shirt for Altair.
In the bar, Johnny Forever asked Blake Cherish to join his show. (“I admire a man in a Mary Lou Retton jacket.”) Blake offered to demonstrate his kickboxing skills by fighting Gortex to the death. Johnny replied that Gortex already had a spot in the show, and suggested that he battle Buckstar instead.
Harmonica ran into the casino and told Gortex that she feared for Buckstar’s safety. Gortex realized that he could finally repay his blood-debt by saving Buckstar’s life. Suddenly, Gortex heard a distress signal, and rushed off to find Schmultan’s still form. Gortex performed mouth-to-mouth resuscitation…and continued the mouth-to-mouth even after Schmultan recovered.
Finally, the time came for Johnny Forever’s Spectacular. Johnny started off the show by singing to a girl from the audience. Johnny then pulled a man from the audience, and Gortex killed him by pressing a PBR can against his throat. Suddenly, Schmultan burst in and demanded vengeance against Blake Cherish. Johnny announced that the deathmatch between Blake and Buckstar would now be a three-way battle. The terrible struggle began. In the course of the melee, Schmultan accidentally impaled Harmonica with his sword-staff…several times. Schmultan slashed Blake, but Blake seized the sword-staff and struck Schmultan and Buckstar before collapsing himself. Gortex rushed to Schmultan’s side for more mouth-to-mouth. Buckstar staggered to his feet and announced that he was all right…just before Altair’s backspin knocked his legs out from under him.
TO BE CONTINUED…
Monday, February 16, 2009
Season 9, Episode 5: Goodbye, Fish & Chips
Episode 5: Goodbye, Fish & Chips
Having gained possession of the Mustache of Authority, Prince Schmultan was flying over the moon’s surface searching for a volcano to destroy it. He felt the power of the mustache tempting him (and even began speaking in a Gollumesque voice), but resisted and managed to hurl the mustache into the Crack of Doom.
Having served his sentence for attempting to destroy the Earth, Stephan Fechet was released from the brig by Altair-9000. Stephan complained about his harsh treatment, asking why he wasn’t given a second chance to learn from his mistakes.
ALTAIR: “Stephan, you were in jail for nine days for singeing the entire Earth.”
STEPHAN: “Well, don’t that seem a little fuckin’ steep?”
Dr. Gaye Hoelikker had Gortex run the medical scanner over her fetus, explaining that she had developed an ectopic pregnancy…so ectopic, in fact, that the baby was growing in her thigh. Gortex marveled that this phenomenon was unheard of in Klingon society. He explained that Klingon semen is so potent, it cuts the female into five pieces, and those pieces become babies. Impressed by the Klingons’ emphasis on strong father figures, Gaye asked Gortex to be her child’s father.
Captain Flash Buckstar and hotshot gambler Peck Calhoun were bonding over a game of Twenty-One. Buckstar confessed that he no longer felt like a man since losing his mustache.
Prince Schmultan was in the docking bay, waiting for the shuttle from Earth and news of Tamborina. Much to his surprise, the passenger who emerged from the shuttle was Tamborina’s sister Harmonica. She had good news and bad news…Tamborina had survived the scorching of the Earth, but she was seeing another man. Relieved yet heartbroken, Schmultan asked Harmonica to have a drink with him.
After installing a new memory chip in Altair-9000, Captain Buckstar told the robot that he’d lost his confidence to lead. (“All great leaders have mustaches, like Stalin and Wilford Brimley!”) Altair suggested that Buckstar start a self-improvement course, and find the mustache in his heart.
Peck Calhoun met with Gortex to draw up a contract regarding Peck’s ownership of Gortex. Gortex related his history to Peck: He was on a Klingon surveyor study, when a Russian cosmonaut fired a missile at their craft, stranding him on the moon. Gortex was so shamed by this defeat that he could not contact his people until he redeems himself by taking control of the base. Peck told him that he could control anything with money, and offered to help.
PECK: “I’ve got the brains, you’ve got the brawn.”
GORTEX: “Let’s make lots of money?”
PECK: “Damn, you got bad taste in music.”
Running into Stephan as he went about his janitorial duties, Dr. Gaye Hoelikker launched into a Shakespearean soliloquy about his fall to such a lowly station. Stephan blamed her for his actions, claiming that he never would have taken the Mustache of Authority if not for the tonic she gave him.
Prince Schmultan had a dream of the Mustache of Authority flying around his head, tempting him. He refused, and began battling the mustache. When he awoke, he discovered that his room had been wrecked. (“No dream could have turned over furniture!”)
Taking over her sister’s club, Harmonica was auditioning new talent. Altair tried out as an impressionist. (“Here’s my Bill Cosby… ‘I’m wearing a sweater!’”) Despite his lack of talent, Harmonica hired him. Since he serves as the station’s ATM, Altair suggested that he simply retain his pay inside himself.
Flash Buckstar went to Dr. Hoelikker’s office, wearing a thick fake beard to restore his authority…but it was only a temporary measure. Gaye gave him a serum to restore his facial hair, though she warned him that it had the side effect of periodic, uncontrollable urges to sing. (“Hair and power always come at a price.”)
Having been selected Klingon Hunk of the Year, Gortex was getting some photos taken by Stephan, in a sexy “Blow Up”-style montage. Gortex told Stephan how much he respected him for attempting to destroy the Earth. Stephan explained that he’d simply wanted to free the Earth from the oppressors and give it back to the people. Gortex pointed out the flaw in Stephan’s plan…the oppressors ARE people.
Prince Schmultan was giving Peck Calhoun a tour of the moon. Peck revealed that his Texas-senses had detected that the moon’s center was made entirely of oil. He offered to buy the moon, assuring Schmultan that the drilling would do no harm to the moon or Schmultan’s people…except for a few that he might have to kill over religious differences.
In the bar, Stephan Fechet and Harmonica started a conversation, but they kept talking at cross-purposes and nothing much came of it except that Harmonica established that her necklace was the secret to the moon’s survival.
Dr. Gaye Hoelikker poured her tonic into one of Altair’s ports, instilling in him great ambition and a desire for Limburger cheese. With Altair firmly under her influence, she sent him out to kill Stephan.
Gortex and Schmultan were fishing in one of the moon’s canals. Unused to fly-fishing, Gortex explained the Klingon way of fishing: They hurl their ultra-powerful sperm into the water, killing the fish and causing them to float to the surface. When Schmultan remarked how disgusting that was, Gortex realized that he’d never really thought about it before. He immediately lost his taste for fish & chips.
In the casino, Flash Buckstar and Peck Calhoun proposed a game for the ultimate stakes. Peck put up his mustache, and Buckstar staked the base’s cache of weapons. Playing High-Low at ten paces, Buckstar drew a 9…but Peck drew an ace.
TO BE CONTINUED…
Having gained possession of the Mustache of Authority, Prince Schmultan was flying over the moon’s surface searching for a volcano to destroy it. He felt the power of the mustache tempting him (and even began speaking in a Gollumesque voice), but resisted and managed to hurl the mustache into the Crack of Doom.
Having served his sentence for attempting to destroy the Earth, Stephan Fechet was released from the brig by Altair-9000. Stephan complained about his harsh treatment, asking why he wasn’t given a second chance to learn from his mistakes.
ALTAIR: “Stephan, you were in jail for nine days for singeing the entire Earth.”
STEPHAN: “Well, don’t that seem a little fuckin’ steep?”
Dr. Gaye Hoelikker had Gortex run the medical scanner over her fetus, explaining that she had developed an ectopic pregnancy…so ectopic, in fact, that the baby was growing in her thigh. Gortex marveled that this phenomenon was unheard of in Klingon society. He explained that Klingon semen is so potent, it cuts the female into five pieces, and those pieces become babies. Impressed by the Klingons’ emphasis on strong father figures, Gaye asked Gortex to be her child’s father.
Captain Flash Buckstar and hotshot gambler Peck Calhoun were bonding over a game of Twenty-One. Buckstar confessed that he no longer felt like a man since losing his mustache.
Prince Schmultan was in the docking bay, waiting for the shuttle from Earth and news of Tamborina. Much to his surprise, the passenger who emerged from the shuttle was Tamborina’s sister Harmonica. She had good news and bad news…Tamborina had survived the scorching of the Earth, but she was seeing another man. Relieved yet heartbroken, Schmultan asked Harmonica to have a drink with him.
After installing a new memory chip in Altair-9000, Captain Buckstar told the robot that he’d lost his confidence to lead. (“All great leaders have mustaches, like Stalin and Wilford Brimley!”) Altair suggested that Buckstar start a self-improvement course, and find the mustache in his heart.
Peck Calhoun met with Gortex to draw up a contract regarding Peck’s ownership of Gortex. Gortex related his history to Peck: He was on a Klingon surveyor study, when a Russian cosmonaut fired a missile at their craft, stranding him on the moon. Gortex was so shamed by this defeat that he could not contact his people until he redeems himself by taking control of the base. Peck told him that he could control anything with money, and offered to help.
PECK: “I’ve got the brains, you’ve got the brawn.”
GORTEX: “Let’s make lots of money?”
PECK: “Damn, you got bad taste in music.”
Running into Stephan as he went about his janitorial duties, Dr. Gaye Hoelikker launched into a Shakespearean soliloquy about his fall to such a lowly station. Stephan blamed her for his actions, claiming that he never would have taken the Mustache of Authority if not for the tonic she gave him.
Prince Schmultan had a dream of the Mustache of Authority flying around his head, tempting him. He refused, and began battling the mustache. When he awoke, he discovered that his room had been wrecked. (“No dream could have turned over furniture!”)
Taking over her sister’s club, Harmonica was auditioning new talent. Altair tried out as an impressionist. (“Here’s my Bill Cosby… ‘I’m wearing a sweater!’”) Despite his lack of talent, Harmonica hired him. Since he serves as the station’s ATM, Altair suggested that he simply retain his pay inside himself.
Flash Buckstar went to Dr. Hoelikker’s office, wearing a thick fake beard to restore his authority…but it was only a temporary measure. Gaye gave him a serum to restore his facial hair, though she warned him that it had the side effect of periodic, uncontrollable urges to sing. (“Hair and power always come at a price.”)
Having been selected Klingon Hunk of the Year, Gortex was getting some photos taken by Stephan, in a sexy “Blow Up”-style montage. Gortex told Stephan how much he respected him for attempting to destroy the Earth. Stephan explained that he’d simply wanted to free the Earth from the oppressors and give it back to the people. Gortex pointed out the flaw in Stephan’s plan…the oppressors ARE people.
Prince Schmultan was giving Peck Calhoun a tour of the moon. Peck revealed that his Texas-senses had detected that the moon’s center was made entirely of oil. He offered to buy the moon, assuring Schmultan that the drilling would do no harm to the moon or Schmultan’s people…except for a few that he might have to kill over religious differences.
In the bar, Stephan Fechet and Harmonica started a conversation, but they kept talking at cross-purposes and nothing much came of it except that Harmonica established that her necklace was the secret to the moon’s survival.
Dr. Gaye Hoelikker poured her tonic into one of Altair’s ports, instilling in him great ambition and a desire for Limburger cheese. With Altair firmly under her influence, she sent him out to kill Stephan.
Gortex and Schmultan were fishing in one of the moon’s canals. Unused to fly-fishing, Gortex explained the Klingon way of fishing: They hurl their ultra-powerful sperm into the water, killing the fish and causing them to float to the surface. When Schmultan remarked how disgusting that was, Gortex realized that he’d never really thought about it before. He immediately lost his taste for fish & chips.
In the casino, Flash Buckstar and Peck Calhoun proposed a game for the ultimate stakes. Peck put up his mustache, and Buckstar staked the base’s cache of weapons. Playing High-Low at ten paces, Buckstar drew a 9…but Peck drew an ace.
TO BE CONTINUED…
Sunday, February 15, 2009
Season 9. Episode 4: Don't They Know It's the End of the World
Episode 4: Don’t They Know It’s the End of the World
Prince Schmultan of the Hawk-People met with the moonbase’s new self-appointed commander, Stephan Fechet…who promptly announced that he had destroyed the Earth. Understandably horrified, Schmultan pointed out that, without the Earth’s gravity, the moon would go drifting through space until it falls into the sun.
Having escaped from the brig, the deposed Captain Flash Buckstar and Gortex the Klingon attempted to get into the command center, but were thwarted by the changed passcodes.
Dmitri Turnankoff was drinking vodka with his wife Svetlana (the mysterious woman from last episode), apologizing for not recognizing her at first. He told her that he had gotten her two tickets for a pleasure cruise to Uranus, as a second honeymoon. She confessed that she had been sent by the KGB to kill him…but with the Earth destroyed, her mission now seemed pointless. Dmitri was shocked to hear the news of the Earth’s destruction, and even more shocked that she was so casual about it.
Professional gambler Peck Calhoun had come to the satellite for a few games, but was stunned when Altair informed him of the Earth’s destruction, then showed him the monitor to confirm it. Checking the monitors and computer systems, Calhoun discovered that the station’s illusion-ray had been aimed at the Earth. Relieved, Altair examined the system, then discovered that an illusion-ray had been fired on top of the illusion-ray.
Armageddon Uno called his secretary Sarah and discovered that the Earth had been destroyed. Nonplussed, he informed her that he was continuing with his plan to kill Dmitri Turnankoff. Overhearing his plan, Svetlana approached Uno and offered to help.
In the base’s Laundromat, Gortex asked Schmultan for assistance in getting into the command center. Schmultan offered to help him find an alternate route through the dangerous Worm-Tunnels of Glybesia…as soon as the laundry’s done.
Dmitri went to Stephan to request a vacation to Uranus, but Stephan informed him that he had Uranus slated for destruction next. Driven mad by the power of the Mustache of Authority, Stephan ordered Dmitri to assume some provocative boudoir poses.
Captain Buckstar approached Altair to figure out a solution to the moon’s drifting through space. Altair calculated that, if all the Hawk-People pooped in one direction simultaneously, it would allow them to steer the moon into a new orbit around Mars.
Armageddon Uno was working in the casino’s cashier booth when Peck Calhoun stopped by to pick up some chips. Calhoun confessed that he had built his life on his reputation as the greatest gambler on Earth…and with Earth gone, now he needed a new challenge. Uno offered to fly him to new planets to test his gambling skills…right after he finished his business there by killing Dmitri.
Summoning Altair to the command center, Stephan clarified that he hadn’t so much destroyed the Earth as he had burned it up, so the moon was in no danger of losing its orbit. Altair told him just how fucked-up that was, and Stephan agreed. Realizing that he was being corrupted by power, Stephan had a moment of clarity and turned the mustache over to Altair.
While Gortex was off exploring the tunnels, Schmultan read a letter from Tamborina. He learned that she had gone to Earth for a while to get her head together before she would be ready to start a relationship with him. Fearing the worst, Schmultan swore to avenge her fiery death, then shouted his fearsome multi-syllabic battle cry.
Dmitri and Svetlana were in bed together, and she tearfully complained that he didn’t think her attractive. They flashed back to their first meeting on the banks of the Volga river, then returned to the present. Dmitri explained that her looks didn’t matter to him, because he loved her for her inner beauty. She did not take it as a compliment. She then informed him that she had poisoned his dinner.
Peck Calhoun was playing solitaire when Gortex burst in. Peck exclaimed that he’d always wanted a Klingon of his very own, then offered to buy Gortex. Gortex revealed that there was one way to gain his servitude: He needed somebody with knowledge of the moonbase’s design to lead him to the command center.
Armageddon Uno burst into Dmitri’s quarters and found him lying curled up on the floor. Uno announced himself, and Dmitri remembered that his brother Yeltsin had called Armageddon Uno the only American pilot who was worth anything…before Uno killed him. Uno found himself unable to kill Dmitri in his helpless state, and offered to help him. He remembered that the antidote could be found only one place…in the mushrooms that grow on Planet Fred.
Stephan was alone in his office, rehearsing how he would tell Dr. Gaye Hoelikker that he had given up the Mustache of Authority. Suddenly, Gortex, Flash Buckstar, and Prince Schmultan all burst in simultaneously, looking for revenge. Stephan suddenly grabbed a stool like a steering wheel, declared “I’m a race-car driver!”, and fled. Using the Computron, Gortex determined that Altair had the mustache, so they called him in. They demanded the mustache, but Altair said that none of them were worthy of it. Altair attempted to swallow the mustache, but Gortex applied the Heimlich maneuver. Schmultan seized the mustache and flew away.
Armageddon Uno, Peck Calhoun, and Dmitri Turnankoff boarded Uno’s ship, The Warmonger, and set a course for Planet Fred to save Dmitri’s life.
CALHOUN: “I thought you were going to kill him.”
UNO: “It’s very complicated. You can read the notes next week.”
TO BE CONTINUED…
Prince Schmultan of the Hawk-People met with the moonbase’s new self-appointed commander, Stephan Fechet…who promptly announced that he had destroyed the Earth. Understandably horrified, Schmultan pointed out that, without the Earth’s gravity, the moon would go drifting through space until it falls into the sun.
Having escaped from the brig, the deposed Captain Flash Buckstar and Gortex the Klingon attempted to get into the command center, but were thwarted by the changed passcodes.
Dmitri Turnankoff was drinking vodka with his wife Svetlana (the mysterious woman from last episode), apologizing for not recognizing her at first. He told her that he had gotten her two tickets for a pleasure cruise to Uranus, as a second honeymoon. She confessed that she had been sent by the KGB to kill him…but with the Earth destroyed, her mission now seemed pointless. Dmitri was shocked to hear the news of the Earth’s destruction, and even more shocked that she was so casual about it.
Professional gambler Peck Calhoun had come to the satellite for a few games, but was stunned when Altair informed him of the Earth’s destruction, then showed him the monitor to confirm it. Checking the monitors and computer systems, Calhoun discovered that the station’s illusion-ray had been aimed at the Earth. Relieved, Altair examined the system, then discovered that an illusion-ray had been fired on top of the illusion-ray.
Armageddon Uno called his secretary Sarah and discovered that the Earth had been destroyed. Nonplussed, he informed her that he was continuing with his plan to kill Dmitri Turnankoff. Overhearing his plan, Svetlana approached Uno and offered to help.
In the base’s Laundromat, Gortex asked Schmultan for assistance in getting into the command center. Schmultan offered to help him find an alternate route through the dangerous Worm-Tunnels of Glybesia…as soon as the laundry’s done.
Dmitri went to Stephan to request a vacation to Uranus, but Stephan informed him that he had Uranus slated for destruction next. Driven mad by the power of the Mustache of Authority, Stephan ordered Dmitri to assume some provocative boudoir poses.
Captain Buckstar approached Altair to figure out a solution to the moon’s drifting through space. Altair calculated that, if all the Hawk-People pooped in one direction simultaneously, it would allow them to steer the moon into a new orbit around Mars.
Armageddon Uno was working in the casino’s cashier booth when Peck Calhoun stopped by to pick up some chips. Calhoun confessed that he had built his life on his reputation as the greatest gambler on Earth…and with Earth gone, now he needed a new challenge. Uno offered to fly him to new planets to test his gambling skills…right after he finished his business there by killing Dmitri.
Summoning Altair to the command center, Stephan clarified that he hadn’t so much destroyed the Earth as he had burned it up, so the moon was in no danger of losing its orbit. Altair told him just how fucked-up that was, and Stephan agreed. Realizing that he was being corrupted by power, Stephan had a moment of clarity and turned the mustache over to Altair.
While Gortex was off exploring the tunnels, Schmultan read a letter from Tamborina. He learned that she had gone to Earth for a while to get her head together before she would be ready to start a relationship with him. Fearing the worst, Schmultan swore to avenge her fiery death, then shouted his fearsome multi-syllabic battle cry.
Dmitri and Svetlana were in bed together, and she tearfully complained that he didn’t think her attractive. They flashed back to their first meeting on the banks of the Volga river, then returned to the present. Dmitri explained that her looks didn’t matter to him, because he loved her for her inner beauty. She did not take it as a compliment. She then informed him that she had poisoned his dinner.
Peck Calhoun was playing solitaire when Gortex burst in. Peck exclaimed that he’d always wanted a Klingon of his very own, then offered to buy Gortex. Gortex revealed that there was one way to gain his servitude: He needed somebody with knowledge of the moonbase’s design to lead him to the command center.
Armageddon Uno burst into Dmitri’s quarters and found him lying curled up on the floor. Uno announced himself, and Dmitri remembered that his brother Yeltsin had called Armageddon Uno the only American pilot who was worth anything…before Uno killed him. Uno found himself unable to kill Dmitri in his helpless state, and offered to help him. He remembered that the antidote could be found only one place…in the mushrooms that grow on Planet Fred.
Stephan was alone in his office, rehearsing how he would tell Dr. Gaye Hoelikker that he had given up the Mustache of Authority. Suddenly, Gortex, Flash Buckstar, and Prince Schmultan all burst in simultaneously, looking for revenge. Stephan suddenly grabbed a stool like a steering wheel, declared “I’m a race-car driver!”, and fled. Using the Computron, Gortex determined that Altair had the mustache, so they called him in. They demanded the mustache, but Altair said that none of them were worthy of it. Altair attempted to swallow the mustache, but Gortex applied the Heimlich maneuver. Schmultan seized the mustache and flew away.
Armageddon Uno, Peck Calhoun, and Dmitri Turnankoff boarded Uno’s ship, The Warmonger, and set a course for Planet Fred to save Dmitri’s life.
CALHOUN: “I thought you were going to kill him.”
UNO: “It’s very complicated. You can read the notes next week.”
TO BE CONTINUED…
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