Season 7, Episode 2: Porn on the Fourth of July

Episode 2: Porn on the Fourth of July

Poppi was sunbathing and writhing sensually at Miami Beach when Buster Banks offered him a part in his new movie, “All the President’s Men…ALL of Them.” Buster explained that he was looking for a new star and for someone in his heart…but they had to be two different people. The last time he fell in love with his star, it ended badly…she shot somebody and then ran away. (“It’s a good plan, to run after shooting a man.”)

Angelo Lansbury was in his office, doing some telemarketing to sell his cocaine. Simpson and Snatch arrived to investigate his shooting. Angelo explained that he’d treated his wound himself (by placing band-aids on the entrance and exit wounds) and that he didn’t intend to press charges…he’d handle the matter himself. He told Simpson and Snatch that they were the finest dirty cops on his payroll, and that he wanted them to make sure their new superior, Detective Furman, stayed in line.

Mayor Shula Goldamayer met with Dan Mandarino to discuss the upcoming ceremony presenting him with the key to the city. Dan wasn’t satisfied with just the key…he wanted her to rename the city from “Miami” to “Mandarino.” When Shula refused, the enraged Dan knocked over a table. In response, Shula jumped on Dan and started pounding away.

At Poppi’s nightclub Coconutz, Detective Furman was pontificating on the merits of generic beer, which Furman considered to be an admirable embodiment of socialist principles. However, Poppi was more interested in dancing to “Maneater” than in philosophy. After the song ended, Furman confessed that he’d lost the wig Poppi had given him. Poppi urged Furman to get it back, as it had belonged to Poppi’s grandmother…plus, it had magical powers.

Angelo was continuing his telemarketing campaign when he received a visitor…the computer expert known only as “The Commodore.” Angelo explained that he’d called in the Commodore in order to make sure that the data on his criminal empire was secure.

Simpson and Snatch were watching the fireworks when Dan Mandarino joined them, angry about the beat-down Shula had laid on him. For revenge, he planned for Simpson to disguise herself as him during the key ceremony, then, while Shula was distracted, he’d run out and blindside Shula. As he took off his jersey for Simpson’s disguise, she started babbling about a dream she’d had where Dan scored a touchdown while he was naked, emphasizing the “naked” aspect. We saw a flashback to Simpson’s dream.

Detective Furman met with Mayor Goldamayer to discuss the police department’s performance. After protesting that he didn’t have the budget to hire more than two cops, Furman revealed what was really troubling him…he felt like only half a man without the wig. Shula told him that she’d seen the wig in Dan Mandarino’s apartment. Consumed by jealousy and rage, Furman drew his gun and stormed out.

Buster Banks was on the set of his new movie, “A Funny Threesome Happened on the Way to the Forum,” when the Commodore entered. Buster and the Commodore believed that computer programmers and porn-makers had a bright future together (“Someday, my friend, computers and porn will go together like guns and bullets”). They planned to double-cross Angelo by installing a special program that would suck Angelo’s soul into the computer…and then, Buster could use Angelo’s body for his next movie, a comedy about two guys who have to make it look like a dead guy is still alive. He was thinking of calling it “Weekend at…”—well, he hadn’t decided on the name.

Detective Furman went to Dan Mandarino’s apartment, offering him 7/8 of a kilo of cocaine in exchange for the wig. Unimpressed, Dan named his own price…complete immunity from prosecution for ANYTHING. Furman agreed, and Dan handed over the wig. They both laughed maniacally.

Angelo came to the Commodore’s office to pick up his computer. As part of his payment, the Commodore requested a meeting with Dan Mandarino. Angelo was surprised, since he didn’t expect a computer nerd to be into sports. The Commodore replied that he knew all about football. (“Football is played with a ball.”)

Buster Banks was planning such future projects as “All Coming on Her Western Front” and “Much Ado about Stuffing” when Poppi arrived, eager to do either “Manlet” or “Two Gentlemen of the Boner.” In the course of their discussion, Poppi mentioned his relationship with Dan Mandarino. Stunned by this revelation, Buster started contemplating how many people would pay to see a football hero in a porn film. They decided to plant a hidden camera and catch Dan in the act.

Mad with wig-power, Detective Furman took the stage at Coconutz, singing about his dream of being a princess. Surveying the nightclub, Furman contemplated revoking Poppi’s liquor license in order to take over the club himself.

Mayor Shula Goldamayer was preparing to present the key to the city to Officer Simpson, who was disguised as Dan Mandarino. As Simpson delivered her acceptance speech, the real Dan (dressed in Simpson’s clothes) snuck up and tackled Shula. In the struggle, Shula accidentally stabbed Officer Snatch in the neck with her eyeglasses. Victorious, Dan took the podium and informed the people of Miami that “you belong to me now!”

Having set up the hidden camera in Dan’s apartment, Buster hid when Dan returned. Poppi tried to seduce Dan for the new movie, but Dan wasn’t interested in sex, what with all the changes happening in his life. (“I think I might have declared myself mayor.”) Dan revealed that he’d done so much in his short time in Miami, he was now ready to “trade himself” and move on to new challenges. As Poppi insisted on talking about their sex life, Dan grew suspicious. Dan discovered the hidden camera.

Now that his computer was all set up, Angelo Lansbury called up the Commodore for tech support. The Commodore instructed Angelo how to turn on his computer, but Angelo just couldn’t find the right keys. Frustrated with Angelo’s inability to follow simple directions, the Commodore rushed into Angelo’s office to do it himself. Without thinking, the Commodore activated the computer, which sucked in the Commodore’s soul and left his body a mindless husk. Puzzled by this strange turn of events, Angelo looked through the Commodore’s computer disks and discovered his “Angelo Mind-Control” program.

TO BE CONTINUED…