Season 15, Episode 2: The Weird and the Wired

Episode 2: The Weird and the Wired

W.T. Friday’s manager Michael Cash was going over last night’s business with Perry Fippler, when Perry noticed a stain on Michael’s desk. Thinking it was chocolate, Perry tasted it, then realized it was blood. Michael attempted to explain the bloodstain by claiming that he’d been holding dogfights in his office, but finally admitted that Sam Friday was dead and that he’d thrown Sam’s body into the swamp.

Nipsey the waitress brought some dishes to the dishwasher Santiago, who appeared distracted. Guilt-ridden over his part in Sam’s death, Santiago asked Nipsey if she’d ever made a huge mistake. She confessed that she’d accidentally killed her brother in high school. (“It was a slumber party that got out of hand. He went to freeze a girl’s bra, and wound up hanging from the ceiling fan.”) Moved by her confession, Santiago admitted that he’d cut the brakes on Michael’s car, thinking it would just result in a slapstick chase.

Police Chief Cornelius Barto was having dinner with Patrick Anderson, explaining that budget cuts had forced the chief to work out of the restaurant. They reminisced about Pat’s days on the force, when he worked undercover and earned the nickname “Deep Beard.” Cornelius asked Pat to return to the job and track down Sam Friday.

Having switched places for a week, Lois and the Professor were comparing notes; he’d never realized how complex her salad-bar job actually was. The Professor wanted to switch back, but Lois would rather stay homeless than go back to work in the restaurant…mainly because she just couldn’t take the birthday song any more. Finally, they agreed to go back to their original positions. The Professor informed her that his fortunes should soon be changing…he’d used the ’80s cell phone to call his past self and told him to invest in Apple. The Professor figured his new past should be catching up with him any second now.

While doing her closing tasks, Nipsey noticed that Michael appeared troubled. He asked if she believed that time heals all wounds, and she replied that she lived by those words…she even had a tramp-stamp tattoo of her motto. He told her about all the problems he’d been having with the restaurant, and she assured him “If you need to dump on someone, I’m here for you.” Misunderstanding, Michael said he didn’t know she was into that.

Santiago went out to the alley and found the Professor, who explained that this alley is his summer home. Santiago envied his living arrangements, revealing that he shared an apartment with 25 other people. (“We sleep in bunk beds with no beds.”) The Professor sympathized, saying that he knew what it was like to be a stranger in a strange land. (“I fought in Vietnam…not for America.”)

Chief Barto greeted Lois at the salad bar, recognizing her from her time in prison. He asked her how many people she’d killed lately, but she informed him that she’d resisted the temptation to kill the customers. She picked up Barto’s yellow phone, but he warned her that this phone calls anybody in the government except the President. (“Because that would be the red phone”) Lois made a prank call to the Surgeon General, then reminisced about the time Barto came into her cell and shanked her. Barto confessed that that wasn’t a knife…it was just that his penis had been sharpened in a horrible accident. They quickly changed the subject.

Noticing that a kitchen hose had been unwound, Perry followed it to find Pat washing his car in the parking lot. When Perry informed Pat that he was using the restaurant’s water, Pat went off on a rant about water belonging to everybody, then switched gears by accusing Perry of killing Sam. When Pat described Sam as “harmless as a Teddy Ruxpin,” Perry recalled the time he put a Weird Al Yankovic tape in his Teddy Ruxpin, explaining at length who Weird Al is. Perry then noticed that Pat was wearing a wire, and started following the cord back to its source.

After closing time, Michael, Pat, and Santiago were playing a friendly game of cards…which stopped being friendly when Pat remarked on Santiago’s accent and accused him of being from Belize. Just then, Perry came in following the wire; realizing he’d just traced it back to Pat, he left. As Pat tried to press Michael and Santiago for information on Sam’s disappearance, Michael warned him to stop snooping or he’d revoke Pat’s senior discount.

Nipsey and Lois were having a Girls’ Night In when Perry arrived, following the wire. Nipsey asked Perry if he’d ever been to a slumber party before; he replied that he had, but he wound up hanging from the ceiling. As Lois reminisced about the slumber parties of her youth, Perry pushed her out of the room so he could be alone with Nipsey. He began reading her a speech he’d prepared for their wedding, then broke down in tears.

Chief Barto greeted the Professor. The Professor lamented that his attempt to change the past had failed…turned out the phone really was just a phone FROM the ’80s, not TO the ’80s. The Professor and the Chief reminisced about their past as partners, until it all went bad. The Professor took the fall and got kicked off the force, leaving it open for Barto to become Chief. Barto offered to reinstate the Professor and put him on the Sam Friday case. (“We need men like you, who don’t expect to be paid.”)

Michael called Lois to his office for her evaluation, informing her that she’s the best employee he has. She replied that she didn’t want a raise or promotion…she just wanted to go back to jail. Michael replied that he knew she hated it here, but the restaurant needed her. (“Without you, these people would have no salads!”) He offered to renegotiate her contract, asking what it would take to make her want to stay. Lois started thinking…

Santiago was about to start his car when Pat popped up in the back seat. Just then, Perry came along following the wire, then left in a huff when he saw he’d just come back to Pat again. Pat explained to Santiago that he was trying to frustrate Perry into confessing. Pat then tried to get Santiago to admit his part in the cover-up by bribing him with a dollar.

Nipsey woke up to the sound of Perry singing “Like a Surgeon.” Realizing that she’d spent the night with Perry, Nipsey was appalled by her mistake…even moreso when Perry mentioned that they hadn’t used protection. Nipsey insisted that she could never be drunk enough to sleep with Perry, and demanded to know what had happened. Perry explained that he’d read her some of his love poems, which made her lose control. (“My poetry is like Rohypnol.”) He then began reciting another verse.

TO BE CONTINUED…