A new season, a new setting (a moonbase casino), new characters (and some old ones returning as well). Let's begin!
Episode 1: Destination Moon
In a moonbase/casino in the far future of 2006, the lounge owner Tamborina and the stranded cosmonaut Dmitri Tournenkoff were getting to know each other. He explained that he had spent his entire life since childhood training for the space program, and had never had time for an outside life, apart from his girl Svetlana back home. Dmitri was looking forward to being reunited with Svetlana as soon as Russia could afford to bring him back home…in about 5 years.
Prince Schmultan of the Hawk-People (the moon’s native race) told the robot Altair-9000 that he had noticed a rash of thefts in the casino, and asked Altair to review the security tapes. Altair agreed, and they shook hands…thus bonding them for life, in the tradition of Schmultan’s people.
The station’s medical officer, Dr. Gaye Hoelikker, was having cocktails with Captain Flash Buckstar. She explained her invention of the converter that turns the Hawk-People’s guano into energy to run the moonbase, musing on how much could be accomplished by working with the Hawk-People. Buckstar replied that he didn’t consider the Hawk-People to be people, shocking Dr. Hoelikker with his racism.
The Klingon Gortex was sunbathing on the lunar surface when the moonbase’s Canadian janitor Stephan Fechet came by, sweeping. Gortex revealed that he had devised a plan to catch the thief. He had placed a radioactive dye in the drinks at the table where the thefts were occurring…and that radioactivity would show up in the thief’s poop. In exchange for Stephan collecting the poop for analysis, Gortex rewarded him with a mind-controlling Ceti eel.
Captain Flash Buckstar was reflecting on the accident that got him busted down to his current post, when Admiral James T. Blanket beamed in. Blanket explained that High Command was very disappointed with Buckstar’s performance, so they’d sent him in to take over. Blanket sympathetically told Buckstar that he knew what it was like to have a career ruined by a tragic accident, since he had once blown up a ship full of retarded kids. Blanket told Buckstar that his depression was simply hate focused inward, then advised him to turn that hate on someone else.
Altair-9000 was dealing blackjack when Dmitri came to the table for a hand. Dmitri explained that he was stranded since the malfunction of Sputnik-84. Altair suggested that Dmitri simply use one of the base’s shuttles to return home. Dmitri replied that, since the Soviet Union re-formed and the Cold War was back on, he couldn’t accept any U.S. assistance.
Prince Schmultan applauded as Tamborina finished her dance number in the lounge. Schmultan told her that he was fascinated by her femininity, as his own race consisted entirely of men. To satisfy his curiosity about women, Tamborina explained that women liked tickling, then demonstrated by tickling under his wings. Tamborina told Schmultan how glad she was to have him as a friend, and Schmultan was crushed that she didn’t feel anything more.
Gortex kicked in the door of Dr. Hoelikker’s office, and she made him replace it and knock before he could come in. Gortex explained that he’d brought a suspicious stool sample, and asked her to analyze it. After a preliminary scan, the only thing Dr. Hoelikker could determine for certain was that it wasn’t American poop…it could be either Russian or Canadian.
Admiral Blanket and Altair-9000 were catching up on what had happened since they last saw each other. Blanket explained that he had been promoted to Admiral after saving Justin Timberlake from the horrific 2005 Grammy Fire, and Altair revealed that he had broken away from the giant Valtair robot due to creative differences. Altair confronted Blanket with his suspicions about the thief’s identity, and Blanket confessed that he had been stealing money even without being physically present. Blanket explained that he was framing Dmitri in order to have a pretext to get rid of him, then asked Altair to help.
Dmitri reported back to his Soviet superiors, who were forcing them to do their bidding by holding a gun to Svetlana’s head 24 hours a day (even when she’s out shopping). Dmitri assured them that the crew had accepted him as a harmless Yakov Smirnov-style wacky Russian.
Gortex informed Flash Buckstar that he’d determined that the thief has Russian bowels. The Captain suddenly remembered that Admiral Blanket had a bowel transplant in 2005. Owing Buckstar a blood-debt, Gortex offered to repay him by killing Blanket.
Tamborina received a cease-and-desist order from Admiral Blanket, warning her to stop her lewd dancing. Dr. Gaye Hoelikker walked by and saw that Tamborina was upset. When Tamborina explained the situation, Gaye was enraged that Blanket’s lack of appreciation for dance. Touched by Gaye’s concern, Tamborina offered to teach her some moves.
Prince Schmultan presented Stephan Fechet with an award to thank him for cleaning up after his people. Stephan delivered a heartfelt acceptance speech about his long, arduous journey from Canada to the moon.
Dmitri was curled up on his tiny sleep-cube when Admiral Blanket entered his quarters. Blanket confronted Dmitri about his work with the KGB. Before being taken away, Dmitri asked that Blanket join him for one last drink. Distracting Blanket by pointing out a nearby space-cat, Dmitri slipped something into Blanket’s drink.
Gortex was dealing a hand of Klingon blackjack when Schmultan came by for a game. Schmultan reminisced about the time he’d saved a Klingon’s life, and Gortex realized that that Klingon was his great-great-grandsire. Gortex informed Schmultan that he owed him a blood-debt, but Schmultan replied that he needed no help from a Klingon. Offended by this rejection, Gortex warned Schmultan that he’d made an enemy.
Altair came to Captain Buckstar’s quarters to accuse Dmitri of the thefts. Flash countered that he knew the real culprit was Admiral Blanket, then confused Altair’s logic circuits with a nonsensical argument.
Tamborina and Dr. Hoelikker were drunkenly dancing through the corridors when they mistakenly entered Dmitri’s room and discovered Blanket chained to the wall. Tamborina was very pleased to find Blanket in this position, explaining that it served him right for banning her dance routine. As Dr. Hoelikker amused herself by spinning Blanket around on the secret rotating-door, Dmitri returned to his quarters.
TO BE CONTINUED…
Thursday, February 12, 2009
Wednesday, February 11, 2009
Season 8, Episode 16: Twenty Years Later
Episode 16: Twenty Years Later
The year is 2011, and Little Five Points High is preparing for the Class of 1991’s 20-year reunion. Principal Spoon (recuperating from his latest stroke) and Mr. (formerly Ms.) Munsen-Meyer stood by the lockers, reminiscing about old times. Munsen-Meyer recalled all those years he had spent lying to himself and living as a woman, and Spoon sang a slow, sad song about the passage of time.
At the Tasker Mansion, Owen Tasker and Sterling Schremerhorn-Tasker were getting ready for the reunion. Sterling was reluctant to return to the school, and was only willing to go because Owen had promised her more Botox treatments. Owen was eager to survey the school property once more, since it was the one piece of real estate in Little Five Points he didn’t yet own. Once it was his, he would tear down the school and build a Wal-Mart.
Joe Luderman, P.I., ran into Todd Schrader, who had just flown in from Tonga and was still wearing his jungle garb. Joe and Todd hadn’t seen each other since they fought on opposite sides in the great Mustache Wars, but now greeted each other as friends. Todd explained that his wife, Gwendolyn Pinchot-Schrader, was unable to attend the reunion as she couldn’t get away from her duties teaching sign language to Tongan Death-Apes. Joe remarked that he hadn’t gone to the reunion of the high school he actually graduated from, but he couldn’t pass up this reunion because he considered his undercover days at L5PH to be his REAL high school.
Mr. Cook was reminiscing in a classroom when former Assistant Coach Damon walked in, looking considerably worse for wear. Damon explained that, after leaving the school, he had joined the Harlem Dodgeballers…or, rather, the Dodgeballers’ sister team that always played them. After 9 years of constantly losing to the Dodgeballers’ wacky antics, he finally realized that it was fixed, so he quit. He’d been just barely scraping by ever since, but he had come back because he’d heard that somebody was planning on buying Little Five Points High and eliminating the last vestige of public education in Georgia. Cook observed that, as bedraggled as Damon was, his package was larger than ever. Damon explained that he’d taken a dodgeball in the gut, forcing his intestines into his scrotum.
Sterling Schremerhorn-Tasker was on the roof, reminiscing. Just then, Oral Hanks from Josten’s arrived. Sterling was surprised to see him, and remarked that the idea of the class ring salesman coming for the reunion was just really stupid.
ORAL: “Well, one man’s stupidity is another man’s idiocy…and that man is me.”
Oral offered Sterling a treatment even better than Botox…some super-DNA that can make her immortal. His price: Half a million dollars.
STERLING: “Ha! Half a million means nothing to me!”
ORAL: “Oh, did I say half a million? I meant a million.”
STERLING: “A million and a half and that’s my final offer.”
ORAL: “You’ve haggled me into submission.”
Principal Spoon met with Owen Tasker in the Tasker Towers offices. Spoon told Owen that Little Five Points High would never be sold as long as Spoon lived. Owen replied that that wouldn’t be much longer, considering what bad shape Spoon was in…one more stroke would likely finish him off. Owen then called in somebody to change Spoon’s mind. In walked a huge, menacing red creature with a big gun. Owen introduced it as Nekon, the Wal-Monster…a new corporate mascot that more accurately reflects the company’s goals, replacing that silly smiley-face. Unable to resist Nekon, Spoon signed away the school. Owen then ordered Nekon to take Spoon away and kill him.
Todd Schrader was hanging out on the gravity-ball field (formerly the football field from his jock days), when he received an incoming transmission from Gwen in Tonga. They attempted a conversation, but Gwen didn’t appear to be able to understand Todd’s responses.
Joe Luderman and Mr. Munsen-Meyer ran into each other in the cafeteria. Joe wasn’t prepared to call Munsen-Meyer “Mr.” yet, even though it was their sexual encounter that had caused Munsen-Meyer to accept his masculinity. Joe observed that gazing at Munsen-Meyer was like looking into a mirror…especially since they now both had the same mustache. Munsen-Meyer replied that he had indeed patterned his new life after Joe. Touched, Joe agreed to have coffee with him.
Oral Hanks met with Mr. Cook to discuss the school’s future. Oral revealed that Owen’s plans didn’t stop with Little Five Points High: he was going to turn the whole of Little Five Points into a Wal-Mart, and would force all the homeless people to work as greeters…even Wolf from the corner of Ponce & Briarcliff. They agreed that he must be stopped. Oral mentioned that he’d had military training during the Mustache Wars (which were kicked off by President Kerry’s decision to grow facial hair), but he couldn’t do it alone. They needed to build a Coalition of the Willing.
In the streets of Little Five Points, there is a legend of a long-forgotten hero who would re-emerge in the city’s darkest hour. Could the time have come for…the Fighting Panhandler?
Former Assistant Coach Damon went to the penthouse of Tasker Towers to confront Owen. Damon informed Owen that, if the school closed, he would carry on the cause of education by going door-to-door as a home-schooling gym teacher. Bored with Damon’s defiance, Owen called in Nekon. Damon immediately surrendered.
Principal Spoon was languishing in the dungeon of Tasker Towers when the Fighting Panhandler suddenly burst in and rescued him.
On the roof, Oral Hanks tried to persuade Joe to join the Coalition of the Willing. Joe replied that his fighting days were over, and that he was now proud to be a pussy. However, he changed his mind when Oral described a vision of Little Five Points as a giant Wal-Mart. Oral then offered Joe a sample of super-DNA that would make him 30% invulnerable. (“Now, you might think this DNA tastes like my semen…well, that’s accurate.”)
Todd Schrader smashed down the door of Owen’s office to confront him. Todd told Owen that he didn’t care if his resistance cost him his life, as he was at peace with his jungle gods. Owen replied that he knew what Todd DID care about…and with that, he pulled out a cute and cuddly Tongan Death-Ape, then snapped its neck. Owen told Todd that he had a whole truckload of apes in captivity, and he’d snap all their necks. Then he’d fly down to Tonga and do the same to Gwen. Owen went into a happy neck-snappin’ dance.
Mr. Cook and Mr. Munsen-Meyer were reminiscing about old times. Cook told Munsen-Meyer that he’d always suspected there was something masculine about “her”…maybe it was that time he walked in on him naked in the office. Cook reflected on his own rich, full life, which included winning a Nobel Peace Prize for saving Jimmy Carter’s life. He asked Munsen-Meyer to join the Coalition of the Willing.
Principal Spoon, Oral Hanks, Joe Luderman and the Fighting Panhandler were planning their assault on Tasker Towers. Joe would dress up as a girl and create a distration, while the Panhandler drives a truck full of dynamite into the nearby power station. (The Panhandler was eager to carry out his part, even after it was pointed out that it would kill him.) Just then, Mr. Cook arrived with their secret weapon…Pepper the dodgeball. However, there was only one person who could wield Pepper efficiently: Former Assistant Coach Damon. They needed to find Damon and bring him to their side. Joe asked if he still needed to dress up as a girl.
Meanwhile, Damon confronted Sterling Schremerhorn-Tasker about her Botox dependency. She told him that Oral Hanks had offered her something even better than Botox. Damon couldn’t remember how many times he’d fallen for that trick.
Principal Spoon and Mr. Cook were scaling the walls of Tasker Towers when Todd Schrader confronted them. He explained that he had no choice but to serve Owen, as the lives of thousands of Tongan Death-Apes were at stake. Spoon turned to Cook and revealed a bizarre fact about his affliction: Whenever he has a stroke, he also passes it on to anybody he’s in contact with when it hits him. Following Spoon’s request, Cook threw Pepper the dodgeball at Spoon, simultaneously inducing a stroke and knocking him into Todd.
Joe Luderman (in drag) and Mr. Munsen-Meyer were sneaking through the tower to create a diversion when former Assistant Coach Damon appeared. Damon was initially taken aback to see that Munsen-Meyer was a man, but soon regained his composure and called upon dark forces to summon Pepper to his hand. In a slow-motion fight scene, Damon hurled Pepper at Joe’s head. Joe withstood this injury, but just as he was about to take out Damon, Pepper ricocheted and struck Joe in the back, finishing him off.
Sterling Schremerhorn-Tasker confronted her husband about his evil plans, telling him that no Wal-Mart was worth human lives. Owen replied that this wasn’t about Wal-Mart, it was about getting revenge on everybody who mistreated him in high school. Just then, a truck crashed through the window. Mr. Cook, Oral Hanks, and the Fighting Panhandler emerged from the truck. Everybody else who was still alive rushed in after hearing the crash, and the final face-off began. Sterling attempted to defuse the violence, but Owen ordered Nekon to shoot her if she got in the way of his true targets. Stunned that Owen was willing to sacrifice her, Sterling joined the Coalition of the Willing. With the battle lines drawn, chaos ensued. Nekon and the Panhandler engaged in a mascot-on-mascot struggle. The battle carried Mr. Cook and Mr. Munsen-Meyer out of the room, and shortly afterwards the detached wheels of Mr. Cook’s wheelchair rolled by, hinting at some horrific fate. Sterling was killed by a stray bullet. Distraught by her death, Damon rejoined the side of good. He tried to subdue Nekon by throwing Pepper at it, to no effect. Owen retrieved Pepper and hurled it at the stroke-afflicted Todd Schrader, killing him. In desperation, Damon reached into his shorts and pulled out his own intestines to strangle Nekon, destroying the Wal-Monster at the cost of his own life. Oral Hanks knelt beside the mortally-injured Fighting Panhandler, who passed along his oversize mascot glove-hand to Oral. Using the power of the Panhandler hand, Oral Hanks ripped out Owen’s heart. Left as the only survivor, Oral Hanks surveyed the carnage and delivered a moving speech.
ORAL: “You can’t tear out the heart of Little Five Points. Sometimes that heart smells of patchouli, sometimes it throws up on you at 3 AM…but it’s always beating. As I look at all these dead people, I know that they didn’t die in vain, because they saved the heart of Atlanta…these Little Points of Five.”
THE END
The year is 2011, and Little Five Points High is preparing for the Class of 1991’s 20-year reunion. Principal Spoon (recuperating from his latest stroke) and Mr. (formerly Ms.) Munsen-Meyer stood by the lockers, reminiscing about old times. Munsen-Meyer recalled all those years he had spent lying to himself and living as a woman, and Spoon sang a slow, sad song about the passage of time.
At the Tasker Mansion, Owen Tasker and Sterling Schremerhorn-Tasker were getting ready for the reunion. Sterling was reluctant to return to the school, and was only willing to go because Owen had promised her more Botox treatments. Owen was eager to survey the school property once more, since it was the one piece of real estate in Little Five Points he didn’t yet own. Once it was his, he would tear down the school and build a Wal-Mart.
Joe Luderman, P.I., ran into Todd Schrader, who had just flown in from Tonga and was still wearing his jungle garb. Joe and Todd hadn’t seen each other since they fought on opposite sides in the great Mustache Wars, but now greeted each other as friends. Todd explained that his wife, Gwendolyn Pinchot-Schrader, was unable to attend the reunion as she couldn’t get away from her duties teaching sign language to Tongan Death-Apes. Joe remarked that he hadn’t gone to the reunion of the high school he actually graduated from, but he couldn’t pass up this reunion because he considered his undercover days at L5PH to be his REAL high school.
Mr. Cook was reminiscing in a classroom when former Assistant Coach Damon walked in, looking considerably worse for wear. Damon explained that, after leaving the school, he had joined the Harlem Dodgeballers…or, rather, the Dodgeballers’ sister team that always played them. After 9 years of constantly losing to the Dodgeballers’ wacky antics, he finally realized that it was fixed, so he quit. He’d been just barely scraping by ever since, but he had come back because he’d heard that somebody was planning on buying Little Five Points High and eliminating the last vestige of public education in Georgia. Cook observed that, as bedraggled as Damon was, his package was larger than ever. Damon explained that he’d taken a dodgeball in the gut, forcing his intestines into his scrotum.
Sterling Schremerhorn-Tasker was on the roof, reminiscing. Just then, Oral Hanks from Josten’s arrived. Sterling was surprised to see him, and remarked that the idea of the class ring salesman coming for the reunion was just really stupid.
ORAL: “Well, one man’s stupidity is another man’s idiocy…and that man is me.”
Oral offered Sterling a treatment even better than Botox…some super-DNA that can make her immortal. His price: Half a million dollars.
STERLING: “Ha! Half a million means nothing to me!”
ORAL: “Oh, did I say half a million? I meant a million.”
STERLING: “A million and a half and that’s my final offer.”
ORAL: “You’ve haggled me into submission.”
Principal Spoon met with Owen Tasker in the Tasker Towers offices. Spoon told Owen that Little Five Points High would never be sold as long as Spoon lived. Owen replied that that wouldn’t be much longer, considering what bad shape Spoon was in…one more stroke would likely finish him off. Owen then called in somebody to change Spoon’s mind. In walked a huge, menacing red creature with a big gun. Owen introduced it as Nekon, the Wal-Monster…a new corporate mascot that more accurately reflects the company’s goals, replacing that silly smiley-face. Unable to resist Nekon, Spoon signed away the school. Owen then ordered Nekon to take Spoon away and kill him.
Todd Schrader was hanging out on the gravity-ball field (formerly the football field from his jock days), when he received an incoming transmission from Gwen in Tonga. They attempted a conversation, but Gwen didn’t appear to be able to understand Todd’s responses.
Joe Luderman and Mr. Munsen-Meyer ran into each other in the cafeteria. Joe wasn’t prepared to call Munsen-Meyer “Mr.” yet, even though it was their sexual encounter that had caused Munsen-Meyer to accept his masculinity. Joe observed that gazing at Munsen-Meyer was like looking into a mirror…especially since they now both had the same mustache. Munsen-Meyer replied that he had indeed patterned his new life after Joe. Touched, Joe agreed to have coffee with him.
Oral Hanks met with Mr. Cook to discuss the school’s future. Oral revealed that Owen’s plans didn’t stop with Little Five Points High: he was going to turn the whole of Little Five Points into a Wal-Mart, and would force all the homeless people to work as greeters…even Wolf from the corner of Ponce & Briarcliff. They agreed that he must be stopped. Oral mentioned that he’d had military training during the Mustache Wars (which were kicked off by President Kerry’s decision to grow facial hair), but he couldn’t do it alone. They needed to build a Coalition of the Willing.
In the streets of Little Five Points, there is a legend of a long-forgotten hero who would re-emerge in the city’s darkest hour. Could the time have come for…the Fighting Panhandler?
Former Assistant Coach Damon went to the penthouse of Tasker Towers to confront Owen. Damon informed Owen that, if the school closed, he would carry on the cause of education by going door-to-door as a home-schooling gym teacher. Bored with Damon’s defiance, Owen called in Nekon. Damon immediately surrendered.
Principal Spoon was languishing in the dungeon of Tasker Towers when the Fighting Panhandler suddenly burst in and rescued him.
On the roof, Oral Hanks tried to persuade Joe to join the Coalition of the Willing. Joe replied that his fighting days were over, and that he was now proud to be a pussy. However, he changed his mind when Oral described a vision of Little Five Points as a giant Wal-Mart. Oral then offered Joe a sample of super-DNA that would make him 30% invulnerable. (“Now, you might think this DNA tastes like my semen…well, that’s accurate.”)
Todd Schrader smashed down the door of Owen’s office to confront him. Todd told Owen that he didn’t care if his resistance cost him his life, as he was at peace with his jungle gods. Owen replied that he knew what Todd DID care about…and with that, he pulled out a cute and cuddly Tongan Death-Ape, then snapped its neck. Owen told Todd that he had a whole truckload of apes in captivity, and he’d snap all their necks. Then he’d fly down to Tonga and do the same to Gwen. Owen went into a happy neck-snappin’ dance.
Mr. Cook and Mr. Munsen-Meyer were reminiscing about old times. Cook told Munsen-Meyer that he’d always suspected there was something masculine about “her”…maybe it was that time he walked in on him naked in the office. Cook reflected on his own rich, full life, which included winning a Nobel Peace Prize for saving Jimmy Carter’s life. He asked Munsen-Meyer to join the Coalition of the Willing.
Principal Spoon, Oral Hanks, Joe Luderman and the Fighting Panhandler were planning their assault on Tasker Towers. Joe would dress up as a girl and create a distration, while the Panhandler drives a truck full of dynamite into the nearby power station. (The Panhandler was eager to carry out his part, even after it was pointed out that it would kill him.) Just then, Mr. Cook arrived with their secret weapon…Pepper the dodgeball. However, there was only one person who could wield Pepper efficiently: Former Assistant Coach Damon. They needed to find Damon and bring him to their side. Joe asked if he still needed to dress up as a girl.
Meanwhile, Damon confronted Sterling Schremerhorn-Tasker about her Botox dependency. She told him that Oral Hanks had offered her something even better than Botox. Damon couldn’t remember how many times he’d fallen for that trick.
Principal Spoon and Mr. Cook were scaling the walls of Tasker Towers when Todd Schrader confronted them. He explained that he had no choice but to serve Owen, as the lives of thousands of Tongan Death-Apes were at stake. Spoon turned to Cook and revealed a bizarre fact about his affliction: Whenever he has a stroke, he also passes it on to anybody he’s in contact with when it hits him. Following Spoon’s request, Cook threw Pepper the dodgeball at Spoon, simultaneously inducing a stroke and knocking him into Todd.
Joe Luderman (in drag) and Mr. Munsen-Meyer were sneaking through the tower to create a diversion when former Assistant Coach Damon appeared. Damon was initially taken aback to see that Munsen-Meyer was a man, but soon regained his composure and called upon dark forces to summon Pepper to his hand. In a slow-motion fight scene, Damon hurled Pepper at Joe’s head. Joe withstood this injury, but just as he was about to take out Damon, Pepper ricocheted and struck Joe in the back, finishing him off.
Sterling Schremerhorn-Tasker confronted her husband about his evil plans, telling him that no Wal-Mart was worth human lives. Owen replied that this wasn’t about Wal-Mart, it was about getting revenge on everybody who mistreated him in high school. Just then, a truck crashed through the window. Mr. Cook, Oral Hanks, and the Fighting Panhandler emerged from the truck. Everybody else who was still alive rushed in after hearing the crash, and the final face-off began. Sterling attempted to defuse the violence, but Owen ordered Nekon to shoot her if she got in the way of his true targets. Stunned that Owen was willing to sacrifice her, Sterling joined the Coalition of the Willing. With the battle lines drawn, chaos ensued. Nekon and the Panhandler engaged in a mascot-on-mascot struggle. The battle carried Mr. Cook and Mr. Munsen-Meyer out of the room, and shortly afterwards the detached wheels of Mr. Cook’s wheelchair rolled by, hinting at some horrific fate. Sterling was killed by a stray bullet. Distraught by her death, Damon rejoined the side of good. He tried to subdue Nekon by throwing Pepper at it, to no effect. Owen retrieved Pepper and hurled it at the stroke-afflicted Todd Schrader, killing him. In desperation, Damon reached into his shorts and pulled out his own intestines to strangle Nekon, destroying the Wal-Monster at the cost of his own life. Oral Hanks knelt beside the mortally-injured Fighting Panhandler, who passed along his oversize mascot glove-hand to Oral. Using the power of the Panhandler hand, Oral Hanks ripped out Owen’s heart. Left as the only survivor, Oral Hanks surveyed the carnage and delivered a moving speech.
ORAL: “You can’t tear out the heart of Little Five Points. Sometimes that heart smells of patchouli, sometimes it throws up on you at 3 AM…but it’s always beating. As I look at all these dead people, I know that they didn’t die in vain, because they saved the heart of Atlanta…these Little Points of Five.”
THE END
Tuesday, February 10, 2009
Season 8, Episode 15: Old West Enchantment Under Under the Sea
Episode 15: Old West Enchantment Under Under the Sea
Owen Tasker and Sterling Schremerhorn were making last-minute preparations for the prom, reflecting on how much they’d grown as people over the past year (as demonstrated by their compromise on the prom theme). Owen gave her a long-stemmed rose and confessed how nervous he was about their date, revealing that he was still a virgin. Sterling was touched by this show of vulnerability, finding it a striking contrast to his usual manipulative asshole self.
Mr. Cook was preparing for his job as prom photographer when Principal Spoon staggered in, strung out and on the lam after his run-in with Joe Luderman. Cook had a plan to help him out.
Prom chaperones Joe Luderman and Ms. Munsen-Meyer were going over the plans for the prom. (“Nobody’s gonna have sex, nobody’s gonna drink, nobody’s gonna do drugs, nobody’s gonna have fun.”) Munsen-Meyer proposed a series of whistle signals for various situations. As they talked, Joe confessed that he’d seen this undercover assignment as a chance to relive his high school days and do it right this time, only to discover that high school life still sucks. Joe and Munsen-Meyer started dancing, but she blew her whistle in his ear when he got too close.
Mr. Huggins was by himself, overseeing the prom. He went out into the crowd and asked a woman named Tammy to dance. After a bit of small talk, Huggins excused himself to ask Assistant Coach Damon for some romantic tips. (Damon’s advice: “Lead with the groin and always make eye contact.”)
Off in the corner, Todd showed Gwen a drawing he’d made of the two of them in a helicopter firing on the prom. She pinned the drawing to her dress as a corsage. Todd told her that he had a plan to ruin the prom, involving a bucket of Bavarian pig’s blood. In turn, Gwen revealed that she’d put some delayed-reaction, voice-activated itching powder down Sterling’s dress; when Principal Spoon names Sterling as Prom Queen, she’ll start itching uncontrollably, and hopefully brush against some candles and catch fire. Then they could make their getaway in Todd’s dad’s military helicopter.
Joe Luderman was patrolling the prom when he found the strung-out Principal Spoon lying under a table. He dragged Spoon over to the lounge, then returned to the prom. He asked Todd for some punch, in a strangely distorted voice. Joe explained that Ms. Munsen-Meyer had deafened him when she blew her whistle in his ear, causing him to speak like Marlee Matlin.
Owen Tasker asked Ms. Munsen-Meyer about her responsibilities counting the ballots for Prom King & Queen. Owen demanded that she name him Prom King, warning her that there’d be consequences if he wasn’t elected.
As Principal Spoon regained consciousness, Assistant Coach Damon told him that he needed to straighten out for the sake of the school. Spoon agreed, and handed over his last syringe of heroin as a show of his dedication.
Mr. Huggins took Sterling aside to offer some advice regarding her date with Owen. Much to Sterling’s surprise, he urged her to have sex with Owen and enjoy every second of it. She remarked that this was the best advice any teacher had ever given her.
The time came for Principal Spoon to name the Prom King and Queen. As soon as he announced Owen Tasker’s name, Todd Schrader implemented his plan to sabotage the prom, smashing vases and generally creating chaos before running off to his helicopter. After order was restored, Spoon announced the Prom Queen: Gwendolyn Pinchot! Sterling angrily tried to imitate Todd’s disruption by throwing down a vase, but it didn’t break. Owen and Gwen paired off for the King-and-Queen Dance, to “Arthur’s Theme.”
After the prom, Mr. Cook began cleaning up the trashed cafeteria, when he found Sterling sobbing hysterically. He consoled her about her public humiliation, reminiscing about his own high school days (“I was bald then, too.”). As they conversed, Cook’s voice activated the itching powder in Sterling’s dress.
Owen Tasker went to a convenience store to buy condoms, but the clerk refused to sell unless Owen proved that he knew how to use one by placing one on a French bread. Mr. Huggins walked in on the demonstration and immediately left in embarrassment.
Ms. Munsen-Meyer was wracked with guilt over deafening Joe, on top of everything else that had gone wrong on her watch. Joe assured her that he still loved her, and we saw a musical montage of their lovemaking. However, afterwards, Munsen-Meyer sensed that something was still amiss. (“What is it, Joe? Is it my penis?”)
Mr. Huggins brought Principal Spoon home from rehab, then put him to bed and told him a bedtime story. In his delirium, Spoon saw his students acting out the bizarre tale (involving a quest for a fabulous gem concealed in the crotch of a chimpanzee).
In the aftermath of the prom, Mr. Cook and Assistant Coach Damon were discussing the school’s future. Cook had heard rumors that the school would be torn down to build the Jimmy Carter Library. Damon was so disgusted by the recent carnage that he couldn’t care less; in any case, he was resigning to pursue his dream of auditioning for the Harlem Dodgeballers.
Owen brought the itchy, drunk and exhausted Sterling to a hotel room for sex, but found himself plagued with doubt…when he’d dreamed of this moment, he’d envisioned her as being sober and falling in love with him. Sterling confessed that she’d already lost her virginity during the prom…to Dustin Pollack. Owen began choking, so Sterling performed the Heimlich Maneuver…which turned into sex.
Gwen was standing by the helipad when Todd brought the helicopter in for a landing. Todd confessed how hurt he had been to see her dancing with Owen, but she assured him that that was just a formality and that she had no feelings for Owen…her heart belonged to Todd. Todd realized that Gwen was too special for this town. He told her that there was $50,000 in the copter…enough for them to get married and start a new life in Tonga. Todd carried Gwen across the threshold of the helicopter.
NEXT WEEK: The final episode: Mr. Cook reveals his deepest, darkest secret.
Owen Tasker and Sterling Schremerhorn were making last-minute preparations for the prom, reflecting on how much they’d grown as people over the past year (as demonstrated by their compromise on the prom theme). Owen gave her a long-stemmed rose and confessed how nervous he was about their date, revealing that he was still a virgin. Sterling was touched by this show of vulnerability, finding it a striking contrast to his usual manipulative asshole self.
Mr. Cook was preparing for his job as prom photographer when Principal Spoon staggered in, strung out and on the lam after his run-in with Joe Luderman. Cook had a plan to help him out.
Prom chaperones Joe Luderman and Ms. Munsen-Meyer were going over the plans for the prom. (“Nobody’s gonna have sex, nobody’s gonna drink, nobody’s gonna do drugs, nobody’s gonna have fun.”) Munsen-Meyer proposed a series of whistle signals for various situations. As they talked, Joe confessed that he’d seen this undercover assignment as a chance to relive his high school days and do it right this time, only to discover that high school life still sucks. Joe and Munsen-Meyer started dancing, but she blew her whistle in his ear when he got too close.
Mr. Huggins was by himself, overseeing the prom. He went out into the crowd and asked a woman named Tammy to dance. After a bit of small talk, Huggins excused himself to ask Assistant Coach Damon for some romantic tips. (Damon’s advice: “Lead with the groin and always make eye contact.”)
Off in the corner, Todd showed Gwen a drawing he’d made of the two of them in a helicopter firing on the prom. She pinned the drawing to her dress as a corsage. Todd told her that he had a plan to ruin the prom, involving a bucket of Bavarian pig’s blood. In turn, Gwen revealed that she’d put some delayed-reaction, voice-activated itching powder down Sterling’s dress; when Principal Spoon names Sterling as Prom Queen, she’ll start itching uncontrollably, and hopefully brush against some candles and catch fire. Then they could make their getaway in Todd’s dad’s military helicopter.
Joe Luderman was patrolling the prom when he found the strung-out Principal Spoon lying under a table. He dragged Spoon over to the lounge, then returned to the prom. He asked Todd for some punch, in a strangely distorted voice. Joe explained that Ms. Munsen-Meyer had deafened him when she blew her whistle in his ear, causing him to speak like Marlee Matlin.
Owen Tasker asked Ms. Munsen-Meyer about her responsibilities counting the ballots for Prom King & Queen. Owen demanded that she name him Prom King, warning her that there’d be consequences if he wasn’t elected.
As Principal Spoon regained consciousness, Assistant Coach Damon told him that he needed to straighten out for the sake of the school. Spoon agreed, and handed over his last syringe of heroin as a show of his dedication.
Mr. Huggins took Sterling aside to offer some advice regarding her date with Owen. Much to Sterling’s surprise, he urged her to have sex with Owen and enjoy every second of it. She remarked that this was the best advice any teacher had ever given her.
The time came for Principal Spoon to name the Prom King and Queen. As soon as he announced Owen Tasker’s name, Todd Schrader implemented his plan to sabotage the prom, smashing vases and generally creating chaos before running off to his helicopter. After order was restored, Spoon announced the Prom Queen: Gwendolyn Pinchot! Sterling angrily tried to imitate Todd’s disruption by throwing down a vase, but it didn’t break. Owen and Gwen paired off for the King-and-Queen Dance, to “Arthur’s Theme.”
After the prom, Mr. Cook began cleaning up the trashed cafeteria, when he found Sterling sobbing hysterically. He consoled her about her public humiliation, reminiscing about his own high school days (“I was bald then, too.”). As they conversed, Cook’s voice activated the itching powder in Sterling’s dress.
Owen Tasker went to a convenience store to buy condoms, but the clerk refused to sell unless Owen proved that he knew how to use one by placing one on a French bread. Mr. Huggins walked in on the demonstration and immediately left in embarrassment.
Ms. Munsen-Meyer was wracked with guilt over deafening Joe, on top of everything else that had gone wrong on her watch. Joe assured her that he still loved her, and we saw a musical montage of their lovemaking. However, afterwards, Munsen-Meyer sensed that something was still amiss. (“What is it, Joe? Is it my penis?”)
Mr. Huggins brought Principal Spoon home from rehab, then put him to bed and told him a bedtime story. In his delirium, Spoon saw his students acting out the bizarre tale (involving a quest for a fabulous gem concealed in the crotch of a chimpanzee).
In the aftermath of the prom, Mr. Cook and Assistant Coach Damon were discussing the school’s future. Cook had heard rumors that the school would be torn down to build the Jimmy Carter Library. Damon was so disgusted by the recent carnage that he couldn’t care less; in any case, he was resigning to pursue his dream of auditioning for the Harlem Dodgeballers.
Owen brought the itchy, drunk and exhausted Sterling to a hotel room for sex, but found himself plagued with doubt…when he’d dreamed of this moment, he’d envisioned her as being sober and falling in love with him. Sterling confessed that she’d already lost her virginity during the prom…to Dustin Pollack. Owen began choking, so Sterling performed the Heimlich Maneuver…which turned into sex.
Gwen was standing by the helipad when Todd brought the helicopter in for a landing. Todd confessed how hurt he had been to see her dancing with Owen, but she assured him that that was just a formality and that she had no feelings for Owen…her heart belonged to Todd. Todd realized that Gwen was too special for this town. He told her that there was $50,000 in the copter…enough for them to get married and start a new life in Tonga. Todd carried Gwen across the threshold of the helicopter.
NEXT WEEK: The final episode: Mr. Cook reveals his deepest, darkest secret.
Monday, February 9, 2009
Season 8, Episode 14: Prom Wars
Episode 14: Prom Wars
Mr. Cook invited Mr. Huggins to the upcoming fishing rodeo. Huggins, reveling in his newfound heterosexuality, asked if there’d be chicks there. Cook assured him that there would be, but warned him that some of those ladies who work at the VFW can be pretty wild.
Principal Spoon was going over plans for the prom when he met Oral Hanks, class ring salesman and prom consultant. Discussing the prom theme, Hanks dismissed the classic “Enchantment Under the Sea” theme as a cliché, and suggested they go with “Enchantment UNDER Under the Sea,” with the room decorated in a volcanic-cave motif and homeless people playing Morlocks.
Sterling Schremerhorn was at home, going over her ideas for an “Under the Sea” prom, when her father, Stubing Schremerhorn (the wealthiest man in Little Five Points) entered. She confided her biggest problem: Despite being the most popular girl in school and the co-chair of the Prom Planning Committee, she didn’t have a prom date. Mr. Schremerhorn offered to buy her one.
Owen Tasker, the other Prom Planning co-chair was going over his plans for an “Under the Old West” prom theme. He asked formerly-undercover cop Joe Luderman to play the sheriff and provide security. The conversation segued into Joe wondering why Todd Schrader, supposedly his friend, shot him in the foot last week. Just then, Todd entered. Todd apologized for shooting Joe, explaining that he needed to battle Wilfong hand-to-hand with no interference. Joe accepted his apology, and Todd gave Joe his last beer.
Gwendolyn Pinchot went to see Ms. Munsen-Meyer about all the bizarre occurrences in her life. She explained that she’d been having some weird dreams, and feared that the stress had given her psychic powers. She had had a vision of Sterling Schremerhorn riding on horseback in the middle of a Western-themed prom, when she fell and broke her neck. Munsen-Meyer’s only concern with this revelation was whether Gwen’s powers would affect her chances of getting into a good school.
Owen Tasker was in the cafeteria when Stubing Schremerhorn entered. Stubing explained that his daughter was upset about not having a prom date, and that he would spare no expense to buy her happiness. He offered Owen $10,000 to take Sterling to the prom and show her a good time. Owen accepted the offer, then suggested that for an additional $10,000, he’d show Sterling a REALLY good time by sleeping with her.
Sterling Schremerhorn and Oral Hanks were discussing plans for the prom music. Sterling wanted to get Wilson Phillips, but Oral warned her that brand-name bands can be costly. He told her that his company offered songs that were almost exactly like popular music, without the expense of royalties. To demonstrate, he played an excerpt from “Unfathomable” (Josten’s version of EMF’s “Unbelievable”).
Principal Spoon called in Joe Luderman to discuss prom security, warning him about the recent promjacking at Westlake High. Joe assured him that security wouldn’t be an issue, pointing to his record in eliminating the school’s drug traffic. Spoon retorted by pulling out a bag of cocaine that he had confiscated from a student whom he caught having sex with a prostitute in the boy’s room. Joe explained that the demands of simultaneously being a cop and a high-school student were just too much for him. Spoon offered Joe one more chance, but warned him that if any students got damaged, it was his ass.
Stubing Schremerhorn came by Mr. Huggins’ classroom to reminisce about old times. Stubing remembered building the school with his own two hands and a tractor…then recalled the relationship he built with Huggins.
Mr. Cook was preparing for the fishing rodeo when Assistant Coach Damon entered with the bad news that Westlike High got promjacked. Cook swore to use every item in his janitor’s arsenal to protect the students. Damon believed that the only solution was to arm all the students, and Cook replied that he was way ahead of him; he’d already given shivs to the special class. Damon worried that Principal Spoon wouldn’t approve, so they proposed a coup d’etat.
Todd and Gwen met in the cafeteria and discussed their shaky relationship. They agreed to go to the prom together, even though they both loathe the whole prom concept. Todd revealed that Owen had appointed him to the prom’s Refreshment Committee without even asking him. They decided to use Todd’s position to take down the prom from the inside by spiking the punch…and more.
Ms. Munsen-Meyer stopped by the Schremerhorn residence to discuss Sterling’s situation. She suggested that, rather than be depressed by not having a date, Sterling should go stag and be proud of her independence. Just then, Mr. Schremerhorn came home and informed Sterling that he’d fixed her up with Owen Tasker. Sterling angrily demanded to know how much he’d paid. When he replied that he’d shelled out $70,000 for her happiness, she was flattered that her father thought she was worth that much. Munsen-Meyer began to lecture Mr. Schremerhorn that money can’t buy happiness, and he broke out into hysterical laughter.
Mr. Cook and Assistant Coach Damon had brought Principal Spoon to the fishing rodeo, where they started to discuss the school’s drug problem. Pretending to be on his side, Cook and Damon eventually drew Spoon into confessing that he was high as hell at that very moment. Spoon then passed around his snorkel as a bong. Suddenly, Joe Luderman, who had been spying from the grass, emerged to arrest them all. Panicking, Cook threw his shivs at Joe.
Owen Tasker and Oral Hanks faced off over the prom theme. Oral told Owen that if he backed off and accepted Oral’s prom theme, he would arrange it so that Owen would be the only male student capable of having sex with his prom date. Oral would spike the punch with Josten’s secret “floppy juice” formula…and Owen could have any girl he wanted.
NEXT WEEK: Joe finally shoots somebody.
Mr. Cook invited Mr. Huggins to the upcoming fishing rodeo. Huggins, reveling in his newfound heterosexuality, asked if there’d be chicks there. Cook assured him that there would be, but warned him that some of those ladies who work at the VFW can be pretty wild.
Principal Spoon was going over plans for the prom when he met Oral Hanks, class ring salesman and prom consultant. Discussing the prom theme, Hanks dismissed the classic “Enchantment Under the Sea” theme as a cliché, and suggested they go with “Enchantment UNDER Under the Sea,” with the room decorated in a volcanic-cave motif and homeless people playing Morlocks.
Sterling Schremerhorn was at home, going over her ideas for an “Under the Sea” prom, when her father, Stubing Schremerhorn (the wealthiest man in Little Five Points) entered. She confided her biggest problem: Despite being the most popular girl in school and the co-chair of the Prom Planning Committee, she didn’t have a prom date. Mr. Schremerhorn offered to buy her one.
Owen Tasker, the other Prom Planning co-chair was going over his plans for an “Under the Old West” prom theme. He asked formerly-undercover cop Joe Luderman to play the sheriff and provide security. The conversation segued into Joe wondering why Todd Schrader, supposedly his friend, shot him in the foot last week. Just then, Todd entered. Todd apologized for shooting Joe, explaining that he needed to battle Wilfong hand-to-hand with no interference. Joe accepted his apology, and Todd gave Joe his last beer.
Gwendolyn Pinchot went to see Ms. Munsen-Meyer about all the bizarre occurrences in her life. She explained that she’d been having some weird dreams, and feared that the stress had given her psychic powers. She had had a vision of Sterling Schremerhorn riding on horseback in the middle of a Western-themed prom, when she fell and broke her neck. Munsen-Meyer’s only concern with this revelation was whether Gwen’s powers would affect her chances of getting into a good school.
Owen Tasker was in the cafeteria when Stubing Schremerhorn entered. Stubing explained that his daughter was upset about not having a prom date, and that he would spare no expense to buy her happiness. He offered Owen $10,000 to take Sterling to the prom and show her a good time. Owen accepted the offer, then suggested that for an additional $10,000, he’d show Sterling a REALLY good time by sleeping with her.
Sterling Schremerhorn and Oral Hanks were discussing plans for the prom music. Sterling wanted to get Wilson Phillips, but Oral warned her that brand-name bands can be costly. He told her that his company offered songs that were almost exactly like popular music, without the expense of royalties. To demonstrate, he played an excerpt from “Unfathomable” (Josten’s version of EMF’s “Unbelievable”).
Principal Spoon called in Joe Luderman to discuss prom security, warning him about the recent promjacking at Westlake High. Joe assured him that security wouldn’t be an issue, pointing to his record in eliminating the school’s drug traffic. Spoon retorted by pulling out a bag of cocaine that he had confiscated from a student whom he caught having sex with a prostitute in the boy’s room. Joe explained that the demands of simultaneously being a cop and a high-school student were just too much for him. Spoon offered Joe one more chance, but warned him that if any students got damaged, it was his ass.
Stubing Schremerhorn came by Mr. Huggins’ classroom to reminisce about old times. Stubing remembered building the school with his own two hands and a tractor…then recalled the relationship he built with Huggins.
Mr. Cook was preparing for the fishing rodeo when Assistant Coach Damon entered with the bad news that Westlike High got promjacked. Cook swore to use every item in his janitor’s arsenal to protect the students. Damon believed that the only solution was to arm all the students, and Cook replied that he was way ahead of him; he’d already given shivs to the special class. Damon worried that Principal Spoon wouldn’t approve, so they proposed a coup d’etat.
Todd and Gwen met in the cafeteria and discussed their shaky relationship. They agreed to go to the prom together, even though they both loathe the whole prom concept. Todd revealed that Owen had appointed him to the prom’s Refreshment Committee without even asking him. They decided to use Todd’s position to take down the prom from the inside by spiking the punch…and more.
Ms. Munsen-Meyer stopped by the Schremerhorn residence to discuss Sterling’s situation. She suggested that, rather than be depressed by not having a date, Sterling should go stag and be proud of her independence. Just then, Mr. Schremerhorn came home and informed Sterling that he’d fixed her up with Owen Tasker. Sterling angrily demanded to know how much he’d paid. When he replied that he’d shelled out $70,000 for her happiness, she was flattered that her father thought she was worth that much. Munsen-Meyer began to lecture Mr. Schremerhorn that money can’t buy happiness, and he broke out into hysterical laughter.
Mr. Cook and Assistant Coach Damon had brought Principal Spoon to the fishing rodeo, where they started to discuss the school’s drug problem. Pretending to be on his side, Cook and Damon eventually drew Spoon into confessing that he was high as hell at that very moment. Spoon then passed around his snorkel as a bong. Suddenly, Joe Luderman, who had been spying from the grass, emerged to arrest them all. Panicking, Cook threw his shivs at Joe.
Owen Tasker and Oral Hanks faced off over the prom theme. Oral told Owen that if he backed off and accepted Oral’s prom theme, he would arrange it so that Owen would be the only male student capable of having sex with his prom date. Oral would spike the punch with Josten’s secret “floppy juice” formula…and Owen could have any girl he wanted.
NEXT WEEK: Joe finally shoots somebody.
Sunday, February 8, 2009
Season 8, Episode 13: Introducing Dr. Dynamo
Episode 13: Introducing Dr. Dynamo
The students were gathered at a memorial service for Miller, who tragically plunged into molten lava during the class trip to Hawaii. (Dustin Pollack also fell into the lava, but as he was only severely burned, nobody was concerned with him.)
At the Crash Pad, “Joe Luderman” (secretly the evil German music teacher Glenn Wilfong) came to see Gwendolyn Pinchot. Gwen told “Joe” that she felt betrayed by the revelation that Joe (the real Joe, that is) was an undercover cop. (“Yes, you can lose trust in someone when they continuously lie to you.”) “Joe” told Gwen that even though his cover was blown, he would continue his work to make the school a better place for her benefit (and only hers).
School custodian Mr. Cook began the sad task of cleaning out Miller’s locker. Hearing a strange noise behind the lockers, Cook investigated and found a secret passage. Following the trail, Cook was surprised to discover the real Joe Luderman lurking in the shadows. Joe explained that, after Mr. Pinchot attempted to kill him, he went even deeper undercover to take out the evil mastermind behind everything…Glenn Wilfong.
Ms. Munsen-Meyer and Mr. Huggins were panicking, knowing that they, as the chaperones, would be blamed for Miller’s death. Munsen-Meyer came up with a plan: She had brought Miller’s remains over in her luggage, and she could persuade her coroner friend to declare that Miller actually died of a heart attack before he fell in the volcano. Excited by the danger, Huggins once again felt those romantic sparks reignite. He asked Munsen-Meyer to finally tell him her first name, and she did: Vivian.
On the roof, Gwen told the jealous Todd Schrader that she had only kissed “Joe” to thank him for saving her father from Wilfong. She went on to explain that even those feelings of gratitude had vanished when she learned he was a narc. Todd suddenly remembered that he’d heard the name “Joe Luderman” before: there was a Joe Luderman who served with his father, General Rip Schrader.
Principal Spoon stopped by Mr. Huggins’ classroom and offered him some Brazilian Clambeaver coffee (made from beans that had passed through the digestive systems of Brazilian Clambeavers), just to soften Huggins up before confronting him about Miller’s death. Huggins claimed that Miller had been eating fatty foods throughout the trip, then suddenly clutched his chest and fell into the lava. Spoon found this scenario plausible.
Wilfong was snooping around Miller’s van when Mr. Cook discovered him. Cook quizzed “Joe” on his history in an attempt to make him give away his true identity, until Wilfong got fed up and pulled out his gun. Cook tried to grab it with a jumper-cable clip, but the gun slipped out of its jaws.
In her office, Munsen-Meyer was preparing Miller’s body for her coroner friend when Principal Spoon stopped by to offer her some coffee.
Todd Schrader was kicking the ball around on the athletic field when the real Joe Luderman arrived. Todd recognized Joe from his dad’s military records, and Joe replied that he had a special message from General Schrader…a hug. Todd had never experienced such warmth from his father, even if it was coming by proxy. Joe then explained the reason General Schrader had sent him: the Brazilian government was producing Adolf Hitler clones and sending them into American public schools. Todd agreed to help take down the clone.
Principal Spoon was back by the dumpsters, searching for clues in Miller’s death, when the long-absent Assistant Coach Damon arrived. Spoon brought Damon up to date on recent events. Enraged by the news of Miller’s death, Damon declared that there was only one person who could help…Dr. Dynamo!
Now that he had turned heterosexual, Mr. Huggins asked “Joe” for some romantic advice. “Joe” gave him a few pick-up lines, then suggested that he offer the ladies some aphrodisiac Brazilian Clambeaver coffee.
Gwen was wistfully gazing at Miller’s locker when the real Joe Luderman arrived. She was confused by his new haircut, then looked in his eyes and realized he wasn’t the same Joe that she’d been giving her heart to these past few weeks. Joe informed her that Mr. Wilfong had been impersonating him, and Gwen broke down in hysterics. (“I’ve been through so much this semester!”)
Ms. Munsen-Meyer was cleaning up the last of Miller’s remains with a lint roller when Dr. Dynamo (Assistant Coach Damon’s gold-helmeted super-heroic alter ego) burst in, followed by Principal Spoon. Dr. Dynamo questioned Munsen-Meyer about Miller’s death, but she stuck to her heart-attack story. Todd Schrader stopped in for his guidance-counselor appointment, and was awestruck to see his hero. After five hours of fruitless interrogation, Dr. Dynamo suddenly noticed the lint roller; his powers detected teenage DNA on it.
Up on the roof, Mr. Cook and Todd Schrader were discussing the bizarre recent events and the need to get rid of Mr. Wilfong. Cook suggested that Todd put aside his differences with his father and get General Schrader to call in a precision airstrike on a three-foot radius around Wilfong. Todd preferred to settle matters himself man-to-man, but Cook warned him that all Brazilians are bred for fisticuffs, even that lady greeter at the Wal-Mart.
Wilfong was plotting in his sub-basement hideout when Joe, Todd and Cook burst in. Wilfong and Joe scuffled until Todd could no longer tell them apart. Eventually, Todd settled his confusion by shooting the real Joe in the foot, then challenged Wilfong to a fistfight. A slow-motion Matrix-style fight ensued. As Wilfong was about to finish off Todd, Gwen entered and confronted Wilfong about his deception. Confused by her rejection, Wilfong hesitated long enough for Mr. Cook to apply the jumper-cable claw to his crotch…then yank it off.
NEXT WEEK: Gwen announces the bands for the prom.
The students were gathered at a memorial service for Miller, who tragically plunged into molten lava during the class trip to Hawaii. (Dustin Pollack also fell into the lava, but as he was only severely burned, nobody was concerned with him.)
At the Crash Pad, “Joe Luderman” (secretly the evil German music teacher Glenn Wilfong) came to see Gwendolyn Pinchot. Gwen told “Joe” that she felt betrayed by the revelation that Joe (the real Joe, that is) was an undercover cop. (“Yes, you can lose trust in someone when they continuously lie to you.”) “Joe” told Gwen that even though his cover was blown, he would continue his work to make the school a better place for her benefit (and only hers).
School custodian Mr. Cook began the sad task of cleaning out Miller’s locker. Hearing a strange noise behind the lockers, Cook investigated and found a secret passage. Following the trail, Cook was surprised to discover the real Joe Luderman lurking in the shadows. Joe explained that, after Mr. Pinchot attempted to kill him, he went even deeper undercover to take out the evil mastermind behind everything…Glenn Wilfong.
Ms. Munsen-Meyer and Mr. Huggins were panicking, knowing that they, as the chaperones, would be blamed for Miller’s death. Munsen-Meyer came up with a plan: She had brought Miller’s remains over in her luggage, and she could persuade her coroner friend to declare that Miller actually died of a heart attack before he fell in the volcano. Excited by the danger, Huggins once again felt those romantic sparks reignite. He asked Munsen-Meyer to finally tell him her first name, and she did: Vivian.
On the roof, Gwen told the jealous Todd Schrader that she had only kissed “Joe” to thank him for saving her father from Wilfong. She went on to explain that even those feelings of gratitude had vanished when she learned he was a narc. Todd suddenly remembered that he’d heard the name “Joe Luderman” before: there was a Joe Luderman who served with his father, General Rip Schrader.
Principal Spoon stopped by Mr. Huggins’ classroom and offered him some Brazilian Clambeaver coffee (made from beans that had passed through the digestive systems of Brazilian Clambeavers), just to soften Huggins up before confronting him about Miller’s death. Huggins claimed that Miller had been eating fatty foods throughout the trip, then suddenly clutched his chest and fell into the lava. Spoon found this scenario plausible.
Wilfong was snooping around Miller’s van when Mr. Cook discovered him. Cook quizzed “Joe” on his history in an attempt to make him give away his true identity, until Wilfong got fed up and pulled out his gun. Cook tried to grab it with a jumper-cable clip, but the gun slipped out of its jaws.
In her office, Munsen-Meyer was preparing Miller’s body for her coroner friend when Principal Spoon stopped by to offer her some coffee.
Todd Schrader was kicking the ball around on the athletic field when the real Joe Luderman arrived. Todd recognized Joe from his dad’s military records, and Joe replied that he had a special message from General Schrader…a hug. Todd had never experienced such warmth from his father, even if it was coming by proxy. Joe then explained the reason General Schrader had sent him: the Brazilian government was producing Adolf Hitler clones and sending them into American public schools. Todd agreed to help take down the clone.
Principal Spoon was back by the dumpsters, searching for clues in Miller’s death, when the long-absent Assistant Coach Damon arrived. Spoon brought Damon up to date on recent events. Enraged by the news of Miller’s death, Damon declared that there was only one person who could help…Dr. Dynamo!
Now that he had turned heterosexual, Mr. Huggins asked “Joe” for some romantic advice. “Joe” gave him a few pick-up lines, then suggested that he offer the ladies some aphrodisiac Brazilian Clambeaver coffee.
Gwen was wistfully gazing at Miller’s locker when the real Joe Luderman arrived. She was confused by his new haircut, then looked in his eyes and realized he wasn’t the same Joe that she’d been giving her heart to these past few weeks. Joe informed her that Mr. Wilfong had been impersonating him, and Gwen broke down in hysterics. (“I’ve been through so much this semester!”)
Ms. Munsen-Meyer was cleaning up the last of Miller’s remains with a lint roller when Dr. Dynamo (Assistant Coach Damon’s gold-helmeted super-heroic alter ego) burst in, followed by Principal Spoon. Dr. Dynamo questioned Munsen-Meyer about Miller’s death, but she stuck to her heart-attack story. Todd Schrader stopped in for his guidance-counselor appointment, and was awestruck to see his hero. After five hours of fruitless interrogation, Dr. Dynamo suddenly noticed the lint roller; his powers detected teenage DNA on it.
Up on the roof, Mr. Cook and Todd Schrader were discussing the bizarre recent events and the need to get rid of Mr. Wilfong. Cook suggested that Todd put aside his differences with his father and get General Schrader to call in a precision airstrike on a three-foot radius around Wilfong. Todd preferred to settle matters himself man-to-man, but Cook warned him that all Brazilians are bred for fisticuffs, even that lady greeter at the Wal-Mart.
Wilfong was plotting in his sub-basement hideout when Joe, Todd and Cook burst in. Wilfong and Joe scuffled until Todd could no longer tell them apart. Eventually, Todd settled his confusion by shooting the real Joe in the foot, then challenged Wilfong to a fistfight. A slow-motion Matrix-style fight ensued. As Wilfong was about to finish off Todd, Gwen entered and confronted Wilfong about his deception. Confused by her rejection, Wilfong hesitated long enough for Mr. Cook to apply the jumper-cable claw to his crotch…then yank it off.
NEXT WEEK: Gwen announces the bands for the prom.
Saturday, February 7, 2009
Season 8, Episode 12: The Jumping-the-Shark Hawaii Episode
Episode 12: The Jumping-the-Shark Hawaii Episode
Five lucky students (accompanied by Mr. Huggins and Ms. Munsen-Meyer) were chosen for an exchange program with Little Five Volcanoes High in Hawaii. They were greeted by the L5V student council president, Leilotti. Ms. Munsen-Meyer cautioned the students to be on their best behavior, warning them that sharks are attracted to the scent of sex.
Ms. Munsen-Meyer stopped by the office of L5V principal Lou Wana’a’a’a to discuss the students’ itinerary. Suddenly, a rainstorm broke out, threatening to strand everybody indoors for the entire trip.
Leilotti introduced herself to Owen Tasker, explaining that she was the school’s most popular, wealthiest, and bustiest student. Realizing that Leilotti was a Hawaiian mirror-image of Sterling, Owen was immediately attracted. Leilotti continued by confessing that her boyfriend broke up with her because she was saving her virginity, and Owen lost interest. She mentioned that she was reconsidering; Owen regained interest.
Sterling Schremerhorn and Gwendolyn Pinchot met their new Hawaiian teacher, the bare-chested, face-painted houngan Maui Zartan.
Dustin Pollack was walking along the side of the volcano when he ran into Miller, who had made his own way to Hawaii by becoming the new mascot for Little Five Volcanoes High. Miller angrily asked how Dustin managed to beat him out of the Hawaii civics competition, and Dustin gave a demonstration of his dance moves.
“Joe Luderman” (a.k.a. Glenn Wilfong, the evil German music teacher) and Mr. Huggins were out walking on the beach. Huggins marveled at the majesty and beauty of Hawaii, remarking that it made his own existence feel small and pathetic. “Joe” pointed out that Huggins’ existence WAS small and pathetic. Huggins resolved to change that immediately.
At the local hangout, The Harbor Pearl, Gwen was cleaning up out of habit. Principal Wana’a’a’a stopped in and urged her to go out and experience the wonders of Hawaii: sushi, sake, and karaoke. He sang the Hawaiian Bender Song.
In his secret cave lair under the volcano, Maui Zartan devised a plan to turn the students into müles for his drüg-rünning operation. He called in his servant Leilotti and gave her “fourteen munites” to put all of the visitors under her spell. A montage followed Leilotti as she seduced and/or charmed all the students, depending on their genders and orientations.
Mr. Huggins and Ms. Munsen-Meyer were relaxing in the lounge. They realized that they had no idea where the kids were…but the spirit of Hawaii kept them from worrying about it.
Hungover from his bender, Principal Wana’a’a’a asked Leilotti where the other students were. She replied that her wealthy father had invited them on a sandcastle-building excursion to the neighboring island, Honokuku.
Maui Zartan gloated over his captives in his cave, ordering them to chain themselves to the wall. Zartan tortured them by tossing sushi into their mouths, and “Joe” began critiquing his torture techniques. To demonstrate the proper procedure, “Joe” switched places with Zartan, then stabbed him. However, Zartan’s magic prevented the blade from piercing his skin (though he remarked that it would leave a nasty bruise). Suddenly, Zartan recognized “Joe” as the undercover cop who’d been plaguing his operation.
In the hotel lounge, Huggins and Munsen-Meyer were enjoying a show by Don Ho. Suddenly, Principal Wana’a’a’a burst in with the news that the students were missing. Sensing a disturbance in the Hawaiian Force, Don Ho agreed to put aside his differences with Wana’a’a’a and help find them.
Searching alongside the side of the volcano, Miller noticed a single set of footprints: his own. Realizing that he’d been going in a circle, Miller began to despair when he heard the voice of Jesus explaining that those footprints were from when He was carrying Miller. Miller suddenly noticed a trail of white objects leading to the cave.
Trapped in a cell with Owen, Sterling explained that she’d left a Hansel-and-Gretel trail of her tampons, so hopefully somebody would rescue them soon. Fearing that they wouldn’t make it out alive, Owen had two confessions for Sterling: (1) He loves her, and (2) he killed Lewis von Kemia. Sterling was stunned, as she thought that SHE had killed Lewis. Owen explained that, while Sterling did run him over with the driver’s-ed car, he actually finished Lewis off in the hospital.
Left alone with “Joe,” Zartan revealed that he’d seen through the “Joe Luderman” disguise and recognized his old cohort Glenn Wilfong. They reminisced about their past capers, flashing back to the time Zartan got a snakebite on his penis and Wilfong had to suck out the poison. Back in the present, Wilfong agreed to help Zartan with his drug-smuggling plan, on the condition that Zartan leave Gwen out of it. Zartan refused, saying that he’d chosen Gwen for his personal slave.
On the beach, Munsen-Meyer invited Huggins to experiment with heterosexuality.
Miller burst into one of the underground caves, where Gwen explained that they’d been captured by Maui Zartan. Miller recognized the name, and swore to settle the score.
Rushing to the rescue, Don Ho informed Principal Wana’a’a’a that the students could be saved by a sacrifice to the volcano god. As they discussed which of them would sacrifice themselves, a snake suddenly bit Don Ho on the crotch.
Torn between his commitment to evil and his love for Gwen, Wilfong sang a song about his miserable existence as an Adolf Hitler clone.
Maui Zartan brought Owen, Sterling, and Dustin to the edge of the molten volcano, trying to decide which of them to sacrifice. Owen settled the matter by throwing Dustin into the lava. Suddenly, Miller rushed in to the rescue, followed immediately by Gwen, Wana’a’a’a, Don Ho, and Leilotti. Distracted by Leilotti’s hotness, Miller forgot his mission of vengeance long enough for Zartan to activate a detonator, sending Miller plunging into the volcano. As Zartan gloated, Sterling grabbed his mystical staff and compelled Zartan to throw himself in as well.
NEXT WEEK: Sterling’s deep, dark secret.
Five lucky students (accompanied by Mr. Huggins and Ms. Munsen-Meyer) were chosen for an exchange program with Little Five Volcanoes High in Hawaii. They were greeted by the L5V student council president, Leilotti. Ms. Munsen-Meyer cautioned the students to be on their best behavior, warning them that sharks are attracted to the scent of sex.
Ms. Munsen-Meyer stopped by the office of L5V principal Lou Wana’a’a’a to discuss the students’ itinerary. Suddenly, a rainstorm broke out, threatening to strand everybody indoors for the entire trip.
Leilotti introduced herself to Owen Tasker, explaining that she was the school’s most popular, wealthiest, and bustiest student. Realizing that Leilotti was a Hawaiian mirror-image of Sterling, Owen was immediately attracted. Leilotti continued by confessing that her boyfriend broke up with her because she was saving her virginity, and Owen lost interest. She mentioned that she was reconsidering; Owen regained interest.
Sterling Schremerhorn and Gwendolyn Pinchot met their new Hawaiian teacher, the bare-chested, face-painted houngan Maui Zartan.
Dustin Pollack was walking along the side of the volcano when he ran into Miller, who had made his own way to Hawaii by becoming the new mascot for Little Five Volcanoes High. Miller angrily asked how Dustin managed to beat him out of the Hawaii civics competition, and Dustin gave a demonstration of his dance moves.
“Joe Luderman” (a.k.a. Glenn Wilfong, the evil German music teacher) and Mr. Huggins were out walking on the beach. Huggins marveled at the majesty and beauty of Hawaii, remarking that it made his own existence feel small and pathetic. “Joe” pointed out that Huggins’ existence WAS small and pathetic. Huggins resolved to change that immediately.
At the local hangout, The Harbor Pearl, Gwen was cleaning up out of habit. Principal Wana’a’a’a stopped in and urged her to go out and experience the wonders of Hawaii: sushi, sake, and karaoke. He sang the Hawaiian Bender Song.
In his secret cave lair under the volcano, Maui Zartan devised a plan to turn the students into müles for his drüg-rünning operation. He called in his servant Leilotti and gave her “fourteen munites” to put all of the visitors under her spell. A montage followed Leilotti as she seduced and/or charmed all the students, depending on their genders and orientations.
Mr. Huggins and Ms. Munsen-Meyer were relaxing in the lounge. They realized that they had no idea where the kids were…but the spirit of Hawaii kept them from worrying about it.
Hungover from his bender, Principal Wana’a’a’a asked Leilotti where the other students were. She replied that her wealthy father had invited them on a sandcastle-building excursion to the neighboring island, Honokuku.
Maui Zartan gloated over his captives in his cave, ordering them to chain themselves to the wall. Zartan tortured them by tossing sushi into their mouths, and “Joe” began critiquing his torture techniques. To demonstrate the proper procedure, “Joe” switched places with Zartan, then stabbed him. However, Zartan’s magic prevented the blade from piercing his skin (though he remarked that it would leave a nasty bruise). Suddenly, Zartan recognized “Joe” as the undercover cop who’d been plaguing his operation.
In the hotel lounge, Huggins and Munsen-Meyer were enjoying a show by Don Ho. Suddenly, Principal Wana’a’a’a burst in with the news that the students were missing. Sensing a disturbance in the Hawaiian Force, Don Ho agreed to put aside his differences with Wana’a’a’a and help find them.
Searching alongside the side of the volcano, Miller noticed a single set of footprints: his own. Realizing that he’d been going in a circle, Miller began to despair when he heard the voice of Jesus explaining that those footprints were from when He was carrying Miller. Miller suddenly noticed a trail of white objects leading to the cave.
Trapped in a cell with Owen, Sterling explained that she’d left a Hansel-and-Gretel trail of her tampons, so hopefully somebody would rescue them soon. Fearing that they wouldn’t make it out alive, Owen had two confessions for Sterling: (1) He loves her, and (2) he killed Lewis von Kemia. Sterling was stunned, as she thought that SHE had killed Lewis. Owen explained that, while Sterling did run him over with the driver’s-ed car, he actually finished Lewis off in the hospital.
Left alone with “Joe,” Zartan revealed that he’d seen through the “Joe Luderman” disguise and recognized his old cohort Glenn Wilfong. They reminisced about their past capers, flashing back to the time Zartan got a snakebite on his penis and Wilfong had to suck out the poison. Back in the present, Wilfong agreed to help Zartan with his drug-smuggling plan, on the condition that Zartan leave Gwen out of it. Zartan refused, saying that he’d chosen Gwen for his personal slave.
On the beach, Munsen-Meyer invited Huggins to experiment with heterosexuality.
Miller burst into one of the underground caves, where Gwen explained that they’d been captured by Maui Zartan. Miller recognized the name, and swore to settle the score.
Rushing to the rescue, Don Ho informed Principal Wana’a’a’a that the students could be saved by a sacrifice to the volcano god. As they discussed which of them would sacrifice themselves, a snake suddenly bit Don Ho on the crotch.
Torn between his commitment to evil and his love for Gwen, Wilfong sang a song about his miserable existence as an Adolf Hitler clone.
Maui Zartan brought Owen, Sterling, and Dustin to the edge of the molten volcano, trying to decide which of them to sacrifice. Owen settled the matter by throwing Dustin into the lava. Suddenly, Miller rushed in to the rescue, followed immediately by Gwen, Wana’a’a’a, Don Ho, and Leilotti. Distracted by Leilotti’s hotness, Miller forgot his mission of vengeance long enough for Zartan to activate a detonator, sending Miller plunging into the volcano. As Zartan gloated, Sterling grabbed his mystical staff and compelled Zartan to throw himself in as well.
NEXT WEEK: Sterling’s deep, dark secret.
Friday, February 6, 2009
Season 8, Episode 11: Adios, Fuego
Episode 11: Adios, Fuego
Principal Spoon announced that the five students who earn the most credits for civic activities will get to visit Hawaii as part of an exchange program.
Mr. Pinchot had joined the school teaching staff, and was giving Sterling Schremerhorn a lesson in agriculture (with help from Fuego the duck). Sterling was looking forward to working on the school farm and earning credits for Hawaii.
Owen Tasker returned from Leadership Camp, clad only in a Speedo in anticipation of going to Hawaii. Principal Spoon told Owen about the school’s new library, and offered him a position as Librarian. Owen revealed his plan to replace the Dewey Decimal System with straightforward alphabetical order.
Gwen Pinchot was cleaning up at the Crash Pad when a mysterious message blew in: “Nothing is as it seems, especially family.” “Joe Luderman” (a.k.a. Glenn Wilfong) arrived, and Gwen gave him a basket of flowers and cookies to thank “Joe” from saving her from Wilfong. Overcome by her present, “Joe” declared “No one has ever given me anything before…of their own free will. I’ve gotta go! I’m feeling…EMOTIONS!”
Miller was blowing soap bubbles in hopes of earning civic credits for beautifying the school. Todd arrived, and they discussed the Hawaii competition and the prospect of smoking some “Maui Wowee.” Todd told Miller that he was now in love with Miller’s ex-girlfriend Gwen. Miller congratulated him, then pontificated on the dismal outlook of the typical high school relationship.
Ms. Munsen-Meyer was reflecting on the loss of her family fortune, when Principal Spoon entered and asked what was wrong. Unable to talk about her own problems, Munsen-Meyer pulled out her “Granny Munsen-Meyer” puppet to explain the situation. Spoon told her that the puppet was a crutch, and suggested that she face reality the way he did…with bourbon.
Owen Tasker broke into Principal Spoon’s office to doctor the records and give himself more civic credits. Suddenly, Mr. Pinchot burst in, sobbing hysterically and clutching a handful of feathers. In his despair, Pinchot started throwing furniture around. Principal Spoon arrived and witnessed the bizarre scene…then left without saying a word.
In the cafeteria, Todd told Gwen that he planned to win that trip to Hawaii and bring her along…but in order to do that, he’d need to become his old football-jock self again. Gwen appreciated his sacrifice, but didn’t know whether she could deal with the old Todd. At that moment, Ms. Munsen-Meyer entered and asked if they’d tried the roast duck.
“Joe”/Wilfong was in his dungeon when he discovered a mysterious message: “You may have the body, but I still have the brain.” His mind-controlled slave, the Fighting Panhandler (a.k.a. Mr. Pinchot) arrived, still clutching the duck feathers. Wilfong ordered the Panhandler to find him a Hallmark card to win Gwen’s heart.
On the school farm, a tearful Sterling Schremerhorn informed Miller that she’d accidentally run over Fuego the duck with the driver’s-ed car, just as she’d done with Lewis von Kemia and Coach Gooch. (Miller: “Woman, how many things in this school are you gonna kill?”) Miller suggested that they frame somebody else, like Gwen. Recovering her composure, Sterling told Miller about her idea to earn civic credits: Starting a program where students pledge not to drink or have sex during the prom. Miller replied that this was against everything the prom stands for.
Todd, having cut his hair and resumed his jock image, met with Principal Spoon. In return for his football prowess, Todd demanded 25 civics points. Spoon struggled with the ethical dilemma of this extortion, then gave him the points.
Gwen was in her apartment when the Fighting Panhandler knocked on the door. When the Panhandler broke down crying, she asked him to remove his mask so she could look into his real eyes. Gwen was dumbstruck when the Panhandler revealed himself as her father.
In detention, Ms. Munsen-Meyer confronted “Joe” about his records from his previous school. To explain himself, “Joe” sang a song about his scholastic resumé. She replied that she didn’t believe he was a high-school student, citing his five-o’clock shadow, his low-hanging balls, and his gray hair. He started to sing a song explaining himself.
Miller informed Principal Spoon that he knew who killed Fuego (and several of the other farm animals): Gwen Pinchot. Miller accused Gwen of deliberately running down adorable animals for sport. However, Spoon revealed that he knew Gwen was working at the Crash Pad at the time of Fuego’s death.
Owen Tasker found the unmasked Panhandler/Pinchot curled up in the fetal position in the teachers’ lounge. Pinchot explained that he blacked out in Spoon’s office, then woke up in this ridiculous outfit. Owen realized that Pinchot was under somebody’s mind-control, and offered to help him find the culprit…in exchange for civic points.
Todd told Gwen that he had enough points for them both to go to Hawaii, but Gwen had more urgent news: She’d discovered that her father was the Fighting Panhandler…and when she looked into his eyes, they were blank. She told Todd that his change of image was just too much for her to take on top of everything else. At that moment, “Joe” arrived and gave Gwen a rose.
Sterling Schremerhorn told Ms. Munsen-Meyer about her “Prom Promise” program, and Munsen-Meyer told her a cautionary tale about her own prom, at which she drank an entire bottle of Seagram’s 7 and woke up sore in a dumpster behind a Hyatt Regency.
Principal Spoon announced the five winners of the civic competition: Todd Schrader, Owen Tasker, Joe Luderman, Sterling Schremerhorn, and the never-before-seen Dustin Pollack. Angrily, Todd announced that he was giving his trip to Gwen so that she could have sex with Joe.
NEXT WEEK: The Jumping-the-Shark Hawaii Episode.
Principal Spoon announced that the five students who earn the most credits for civic activities will get to visit Hawaii as part of an exchange program.
Mr. Pinchot had joined the school teaching staff, and was giving Sterling Schremerhorn a lesson in agriculture (with help from Fuego the duck). Sterling was looking forward to working on the school farm and earning credits for Hawaii.
Owen Tasker returned from Leadership Camp, clad only in a Speedo in anticipation of going to Hawaii. Principal Spoon told Owen about the school’s new library, and offered him a position as Librarian. Owen revealed his plan to replace the Dewey Decimal System with straightforward alphabetical order.
Gwen Pinchot was cleaning up at the Crash Pad when a mysterious message blew in: “Nothing is as it seems, especially family.” “Joe Luderman” (a.k.a. Glenn Wilfong) arrived, and Gwen gave him a basket of flowers and cookies to thank “Joe” from saving her from Wilfong. Overcome by her present, “Joe” declared “No one has ever given me anything before…of their own free will. I’ve gotta go! I’m feeling…EMOTIONS!”
Miller was blowing soap bubbles in hopes of earning civic credits for beautifying the school. Todd arrived, and they discussed the Hawaii competition and the prospect of smoking some “Maui Wowee.” Todd told Miller that he was now in love with Miller’s ex-girlfriend Gwen. Miller congratulated him, then pontificated on the dismal outlook of the typical high school relationship.
Ms. Munsen-Meyer was reflecting on the loss of her family fortune, when Principal Spoon entered and asked what was wrong. Unable to talk about her own problems, Munsen-Meyer pulled out her “Granny Munsen-Meyer” puppet to explain the situation. Spoon told her that the puppet was a crutch, and suggested that she face reality the way he did…with bourbon.
Owen Tasker broke into Principal Spoon’s office to doctor the records and give himself more civic credits. Suddenly, Mr. Pinchot burst in, sobbing hysterically and clutching a handful of feathers. In his despair, Pinchot started throwing furniture around. Principal Spoon arrived and witnessed the bizarre scene…then left without saying a word.
In the cafeteria, Todd told Gwen that he planned to win that trip to Hawaii and bring her along…but in order to do that, he’d need to become his old football-jock self again. Gwen appreciated his sacrifice, but didn’t know whether she could deal with the old Todd. At that moment, Ms. Munsen-Meyer entered and asked if they’d tried the roast duck.
“Joe”/Wilfong was in his dungeon when he discovered a mysterious message: “You may have the body, but I still have the brain.” His mind-controlled slave, the Fighting Panhandler (a.k.a. Mr. Pinchot) arrived, still clutching the duck feathers. Wilfong ordered the Panhandler to find him a Hallmark card to win Gwen’s heart.
On the school farm, a tearful Sterling Schremerhorn informed Miller that she’d accidentally run over Fuego the duck with the driver’s-ed car, just as she’d done with Lewis von Kemia and Coach Gooch. (Miller: “Woman, how many things in this school are you gonna kill?”) Miller suggested that they frame somebody else, like Gwen. Recovering her composure, Sterling told Miller about her idea to earn civic credits: Starting a program where students pledge not to drink or have sex during the prom. Miller replied that this was against everything the prom stands for.
Todd, having cut his hair and resumed his jock image, met with Principal Spoon. In return for his football prowess, Todd demanded 25 civics points. Spoon struggled with the ethical dilemma of this extortion, then gave him the points.
Gwen was in her apartment when the Fighting Panhandler knocked on the door. When the Panhandler broke down crying, she asked him to remove his mask so she could look into his real eyes. Gwen was dumbstruck when the Panhandler revealed himself as her father.
In detention, Ms. Munsen-Meyer confronted “Joe” about his records from his previous school. To explain himself, “Joe” sang a song about his scholastic resumé. She replied that she didn’t believe he was a high-school student, citing his five-o’clock shadow, his low-hanging balls, and his gray hair. He started to sing a song explaining himself.
Miller informed Principal Spoon that he knew who killed Fuego (and several of the other farm animals): Gwen Pinchot. Miller accused Gwen of deliberately running down adorable animals for sport. However, Spoon revealed that he knew Gwen was working at the Crash Pad at the time of Fuego’s death.
Owen Tasker found the unmasked Panhandler/Pinchot curled up in the fetal position in the teachers’ lounge. Pinchot explained that he blacked out in Spoon’s office, then woke up in this ridiculous outfit. Owen realized that Pinchot was under somebody’s mind-control, and offered to help him find the culprit…in exchange for civic points.
Todd told Gwen that he had enough points for them both to go to Hawaii, but Gwen had more urgent news: She’d discovered that her father was the Fighting Panhandler…and when she looked into his eyes, they were blank. She told Todd that his change of image was just too much for her to take on top of everything else. At that moment, “Joe” arrived and gave Gwen a rose.
Sterling Schremerhorn told Ms. Munsen-Meyer about her “Prom Promise” program, and Munsen-Meyer told her a cautionary tale about her own prom, at which she drank an entire bottle of Seagram’s 7 and woke up sore in a dumpster behind a Hyatt Regency.
Principal Spoon announced the five winners of the civic competition: Todd Schrader, Owen Tasker, Joe Luderman, Sterling Schremerhorn, and the never-before-seen Dustin Pollack. Angrily, Todd announced that he was giving his trip to Gwen so that she could have sex with Joe.
NEXT WEEK: The Jumping-the-Shark Hawaii Episode.
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