Episode 3: The Almost Perfect Storm
Assistant Coach Damon was frantically driving the critically injured Lewis von Kemia to the emergency room. Along the way, Damon had a confession: The last time Lewis was in a coma, Damon harvested some cells from his lower genital region. Lewis was, in fact, the biological father of nine of Damon’s children.
School football star Todd Schrader was admiring his trophies when Owen Tasker walked by in his hockey gear. Admiring the letter on Todd’s varsity jacket, Owen revealed that he only needed to earn five more letters himself and he could get into any college he wanted. Demanding a letter in football, he warned Todd that when things don’t go Owen’s way, things happen…people get cancer.
Undercover cop Joe Luderman was snooping around the custodian’s closet when Sterling Schremerhorn entered. As they discussed their suspicions that Mr. Cook was stealing from their lockers, Joe jokingly accused Sterling of having a crush on Mr. Cook. She responded that she actually had a crush on Joe.
Miller and Mr. Cook were hanging out by that spinning thing that’s on the roof of every high school. Cook warned Miller that he needed to graduate this year, because next year Miller’s son would be getting out of middle school, and it would be just too weird for them to be in the same school together. Suddenly, Ms. Munsen-Meyer rushed up to warn them that a cyclone was coming.
Lewis von Kemia was recuperating in the hospital when Owen Tasker came in. Lewis only vaguely remembered the accident, but Owen persuaded him that Sterling had run him down deliberately, then showed him pictures of Sterling making out with other guys. As Lewis broke down crying, Owen pressured him to turn over the presidency of the Cancer Society so that Owen could letter in it.
After dodgeball practice, Assistant Coach Damon took Joe Luderman aside, explaining that Lewis was suffering terribly and asking Joe to hook him up with some painkillers. Joe’s sympathy for Lewis overcame his dedication to law enforcement, and he agreed to help. Suddenly, Ms. Munsen-Meyer made a panicked announcement over the intercom about the cyclone.
Ms. Munsen-Meyer and Mr. Cook were in the custodian’s closet, gathering emergency supplies. Cook assured her that the generator would be okay as long as water didn’t seep in and short it out. Just then, water seeped in and shorted it out.
Sterling, Todd and Miller had taken refuge in the basement. As Sterling started freaking out and screaming that they were all going to die, Miller suggested that they engage in some end-of-the-world sex.
Owen was driving the unconscious Lewis back to school through the storm. As Owen pondered how to kill Lewis, he suddenly lost control of the car and crashed. Waking up and smelling the gas leak, Lewis realized he had to save Owen.
As Assistant Coach Damon and Joe Luderman struggled through the storm, Damon complimented Joe on his self-confidence and maturity, remarking that he seemed more like an authority figure than a high-school kid.
Having sandbagged themselves in the basement, Ms. Munsen-Meyer and Mr. Cook proposed some end-of-the-world sex.
Sterling Schremerhorn walked back into the basement and announced that she was ready for that end-of-the-world sex. Miller asked “Wait, didn’t we already do it?” Miller and Todd looked at each other. An awkward pause ensued.
As Lewis carried Owen Tasker through the wind and rain, Owen came to and confessed to causing Lewis’ cancer.
Damon and Joe pleaded with Munsen-Meyer and Cook to let them in. As Munsen-Meyer finally relented, the water started coming into the basement, making it a moot point.
As the storm raged, Lewis scaled the wall of the school building with Owen slung over his shoulder. Lewis told Owen that he was only saving him so that the law could prosecute him.
Miller was clinging to his locker as Assistant Coach Damon floated by, using a desk as a makeshift raft. Miller confessed that, in all the darkness and confusion, he had sex with Todd Schrader. Suddenly, the waters started to subside.
With the danger past, Ms. Munsen-Meyer and Sterling were gossiping in Munsen-Meyer’s office. Sterling revealed that Miller and Todd had had sex. Since Todd was always calling people “fag,” they savored the irony.
A despondent Todd went to see Mr. Cook about this twist of fate, since he’d always assumed that Cook was gay. Cook admitted that he used to be a principal at a different school, but lost his job when he had an affair with a coach.
Lewis von Kemia and Joe Luderman stood on the roof, reflecting on the day’s events. Lewis revealed that Owen had given him cancer. (“I wish I knew somebody in law enforcement, so I could see him get what’s coming to him!”)
Assistant Coach Damon lectured Sterling Schremerhorn for leaving Miller and Todd in the lurch and causing them to have sex with each other. Sterling protested that she was saving her virginity. Damon replied that he could respect that, but not when it hurts a man’s ego.
Todd went to see Ms. Munsen-Meyer about his sexual identity crisis. Since he couldn’t bring himself to talk to her, she had him speak to her hand puppet “Grandma Munsen-Meyer.”
Seeing an opportunity for another letter, Owen Tasker asked Miller about the school sculpture Miller was designing. Miller agreed to use Owen as his apprentice and model.
NEXT WEEK: Lewis confronts Owen.
Thursday, January 29, 2009
Wednesday, January 28, 2009
Season 8, Episode 2: Officially the Worst Day
Episode 2: Officially the Worst Day
Lewis von Kemia met Joe Luderman in the hall and asked Joe if he could have his old locker (which had been reassigned to Joe) back. Joe opened the locker and discovered that everything in it had been cleared out. They were both appalled by this invasion of privacy, and suspected that custodian Mr. Cook was to blame.
Sterling Schremerhorn complained to Mr. Huggins about his failing her last art project, a Polaroid collage of other students naked in the girls’ locker room.
Assistant Coach Damon was in Ms. Munsen-Meyer’s office, pleading his case for a promotion to Coach. As he talked, his natural pheromones started to affect her, and she struggled to resist temptation.
Gwendolyn Pinchot and Miller were spending study hall in Miller’s van, sharing some “weedshroom” brownies. After some small talk, they had sex (or at least attempted to).
Mr. Huggins and Assistant Coach Damon were eating in the cafeteria and discussing their respective jobs. Damon pointed out the similarities between athletics and the arts, comparing dodgeball to a ballet. Huggins struggled to contain himself during Damon’s double-entendre-filled discourse about balls.
Ms. Munsen-Meyer brought the students together for a special lecture, in which she revealed that one of the students was pregnant, though she wasn’t naming names. Joe Luderman asked to be excused, since he knew it wasn’t him.
Lewis von Kemia ran into Gwen in the hallway. They both found each other’s new appearance to be incredibly hot. As they tried to have a heartfelt conversation, the Fighting Panhandler wandered by and started begging for change. Gwen slugged the Panhandler, and the Panhandler retaliated by snatching Lewis’ walker. Lewis tried to make the Panhandler face up to whatever inner turmoil made him lash out.
LEWIS: “You don’t have to fight. You don’t have to be rich. You just have to BE. Now fuck off, I’m talking to Gwendolyn!”
Joe was at his first day on the job at the Crash Pad when Miller came in with a case of the munchies. Unfortunately, since Gwen hadn’t told him where anything was, all Joe could offer was salt and pepper. Joe suggested that Miller could make the place better by coming on board as a cook, but Miller couldn’t figure out how to cook without food. Nevertheless, Miller took the job.
Gwen came to Ms. Munsen-Meyer’s office to start work as her assistant/filer. Munsen-Meyer sat Gwen down and started to talk about Gwen’s appearance. Gwen was furious that Munsen-Meyer was judging her look, but Munsen-Meyer explained that she was only pointing out how much they had in common. Munsen-Meyer explained that, twenty years ago, she was just like Gwen (coming to school in a “Welcome Back Kotter” T-shirt). Gwen didn’t want to be like Munsen-Meyer in twenty years. Suddenly, Lewis von Kemia entered, asking for his old filer position back. Lewis took Gwen into the privacy of his walker, and they each offered to step aside and let the other have the job.
Joe Luderman was by the lockers, looking for evidence of drugs. Suddenly, overachiever student Owen Tasker arrived, wearing only a scarf and black bikini briefs. (Sterling rushed in and snapped a picture of Owen for her art project.) Owen explained that he was forming a skin-diving club, on top of being the head of the chess club, football team, word-game club, and Cancer Society. Owen confessed that all his activities were conflicting with each other, and asked Joe to fill in for him at football practice.
Mr. Huggins was straightening up after art class when Miller arrived and asked if he could make up for his “F.” Huggins gave him a pop quiz, and was astounded by how knowledgeable Miller really was. (“You have the equivalent of a master’s degree in your head!”) Huggins asked Miller if he would create a sculpture for the front of the school.
At the Crash Pad, Sterling Schremerhorn was gossiping with Owen Tasker about Gwen’s sister being a carny. Gwen revealed that she’d been behind the counter the whole time, and had heard everything. Gwen said that she’d thought Sterling was her friend, when she was really just an asshole. Owen proposed that they start an Asshole Club.
Assistant Coach Damon was talking to Lewis von Kemia, expressing his admiration for Lewis’ courage. Lewis used his walker to block Damon’s dodgeball, so Damon offered him a position as goalie. Suddenly, Lewis remembered that he needed a kidney transplant within the next 5 hours, so they set out to look for somebody with an extra kidney. Just then, Joe stopped by and asked if they’d seen his “3-kidney pills.”
Sterling Schremerhorn was taking a driver’s ed lesson, taught by the Fighting Panhandler. As they shared some Boone’s Farm and continued the driving lesson, Sterling suddenly ran over Lewis von Kemia.
Mr. Huggins was watching “Spartacus” at home when Ms. Munsen-Meyer paid him a surprise visit to make an important confession.
MUNSEN-MEYER: “I’ve put something of somebody else’s inside my special place.”
HUGGINS: “Okay, you could be talking about your filing cabinet, but I don’t think so.”
At the Crash Pad, Gwendolyn told Joe that he shouldn’t have hired Miller, since things were very awkward between them. In turn, Joe replied that she should have shown him the ropes before leaving him alone on the job. Gwen complained that this was officially the worst day of her life, when Miller, Sterling, and the Panhandler walked in…making it even worse.
NEXT WEEK: Assistant Coach Damon vows to repair Lewis’ broken body.
Lewis von Kemia met Joe Luderman in the hall and asked Joe if he could have his old locker (which had been reassigned to Joe) back. Joe opened the locker and discovered that everything in it had been cleared out. They were both appalled by this invasion of privacy, and suspected that custodian Mr. Cook was to blame.
Sterling Schremerhorn complained to Mr. Huggins about his failing her last art project, a Polaroid collage of other students naked in the girls’ locker room.
Assistant Coach Damon was in Ms. Munsen-Meyer’s office, pleading his case for a promotion to Coach. As he talked, his natural pheromones started to affect her, and she struggled to resist temptation.
Gwendolyn Pinchot and Miller were spending study hall in Miller’s van, sharing some “weedshroom” brownies. After some small talk, they had sex (or at least attempted to).
Mr. Huggins and Assistant Coach Damon were eating in the cafeteria and discussing their respective jobs. Damon pointed out the similarities between athletics and the arts, comparing dodgeball to a ballet. Huggins struggled to contain himself during Damon’s double-entendre-filled discourse about balls.
Ms. Munsen-Meyer brought the students together for a special lecture, in which she revealed that one of the students was pregnant, though she wasn’t naming names. Joe Luderman asked to be excused, since he knew it wasn’t him.
Lewis von Kemia ran into Gwen in the hallway. They both found each other’s new appearance to be incredibly hot. As they tried to have a heartfelt conversation, the Fighting Panhandler wandered by and started begging for change. Gwen slugged the Panhandler, and the Panhandler retaliated by snatching Lewis’ walker. Lewis tried to make the Panhandler face up to whatever inner turmoil made him lash out.
LEWIS: “You don’t have to fight. You don’t have to be rich. You just have to BE. Now fuck off, I’m talking to Gwendolyn!”
Joe was at his first day on the job at the Crash Pad when Miller came in with a case of the munchies. Unfortunately, since Gwen hadn’t told him where anything was, all Joe could offer was salt and pepper. Joe suggested that Miller could make the place better by coming on board as a cook, but Miller couldn’t figure out how to cook without food. Nevertheless, Miller took the job.
Gwen came to Ms. Munsen-Meyer’s office to start work as her assistant/filer. Munsen-Meyer sat Gwen down and started to talk about Gwen’s appearance. Gwen was furious that Munsen-Meyer was judging her look, but Munsen-Meyer explained that she was only pointing out how much they had in common. Munsen-Meyer explained that, twenty years ago, she was just like Gwen (coming to school in a “Welcome Back Kotter” T-shirt). Gwen didn’t want to be like Munsen-Meyer in twenty years. Suddenly, Lewis von Kemia entered, asking for his old filer position back. Lewis took Gwen into the privacy of his walker, and they each offered to step aside and let the other have the job.
Joe Luderman was by the lockers, looking for evidence of drugs. Suddenly, overachiever student Owen Tasker arrived, wearing only a scarf and black bikini briefs. (Sterling rushed in and snapped a picture of Owen for her art project.) Owen explained that he was forming a skin-diving club, on top of being the head of the chess club, football team, word-game club, and Cancer Society. Owen confessed that all his activities were conflicting with each other, and asked Joe to fill in for him at football practice.
Mr. Huggins was straightening up after art class when Miller arrived and asked if he could make up for his “F.” Huggins gave him a pop quiz, and was astounded by how knowledgeable Miller really was. (“You have the equivalent of a master’s degree in your head!”) Huggins asked Miller if he would create a sculpture for the front of the school.
At the Crash Pad, Sterling Schremerhorn was gossiping with Owen Tasker about Gwen’s sister being a carny. Gwen revealed that she’d been behind the counter the whole time, and had heard everything. Gwen said that she’d thought Sterling was her friend, when she was really just an asshole. Owen proposed that they start an Asshole Club.
Assistant Coach Damon was talking to Lewis von Kemia, expressing his admiration for Lewis’ courage. Lewis used his walker to block Damon’s dodgeball, so Damon offered him a position as goalie. Suddenly, Lewis remembered that he needed a kidney transplant within the next 5 hours, so they set out to look for somebody with an extra kidney. Just then, Joe stopped by and asked if they’d seen his “3-kidney pills.”
Sterling Schremerhorn was taking a driver’s ed lesson, taught by the Fighting Panhandler. As they shared some Boone’s Farm and continued the driving lesson, Sterling suddenly ran over Lewis von Kemia.
Mr. Huggins was watching “Spartacus” at home when Ms. Munsen-Meyer paid him a surprise visit to make an important confession.
MUNSEN-MEYER: “I’ve put something of somebody else’s inside my special place.”
HUGGINS: “Okay, you could be talking about your filing cabinet, but I don’t think so.”
At the Crash Pad, Gwendolyn told Joe that he shouldn’t have hired Miller, since things were very awkward between them. In turn, Joe replied that she should have shown him the ropes before leaving him alone on the job. Gwen complained that this was officially the worst day of her life, when Miller, Sterling, and the Panhandler walked in…making it even worse.
NEXT WEEK: Assistant Coach Damon vows to repair Lewis’ broken body.
Tuesday, January 27, 2009
Season 8, Episode 1: Back to School
A new season, a new setting: SCANDAL! now goes to high school!
Episode 1: Back to School
Our story begins outside Little Five Points High on the first day of school, where the popular cheerleader Sterling Schremerhorn ran into her best friend, Gwendolyn Pinchot, and was taken aback by Gwen’s new punk look. Gwen told Sterling that they couldn’t be seen together, since it would be bad for her new image…but they could still be friends secretly.
Art teacher Randy Huggins asked new student Joe Luderman to stay after class. Mr. Huggins had sensed that Joe was holding in some secret inner turmoil, and reassured Joe that he could confide in him. However, since Joe’s inner secret was that he’s really an undercover cop sent to infiltrate the school’s drug trade, he couldn’t confide in anybody.
Guidance counselor Ms. Munsen-Meyer was going through some files when Miller, the school stoner, arrived for his 10:30 appointment. She explained how proud she was of him for reaching his senior year after only 8 years. She warned him that there were some people in the school that still wanted to hold him back.
Assistant Coach Carl Damon and custodian Mr. Cook were hanging out by the lockers, discussing their suspicions about the new kid, Joe Luderman. Damon worried that Joe was on the marijuana, so when Joe stopped by his locker, Mr. Cook tried to lull him into a false sense of security by assuring Joe that he could store & distribute anything in his locker with complete privacy. Joe thought that Cook was trying to make a business deal.
Gwendolyn Pinchot was at her after-school job at the local coffee shop The Crash Pad when Ms. Munsen-Meyer entered. Gwendolyn asked if she could help out in Ms. Munsen-Meyer’s office after school, and Munsen-Meyer eagerly accepted. As a show of good faith, Gwen offered to cover up the obscenities on her T-shirt when she’s in the office.
Miller was asleep in art class when Mr. Huggins woke him up and gave him an F. Miller defended himself by explaining that he was dreaming about art, and we saw the dream with Miller as Picasso, painting and smoking a chorus line of dancing joints. Huggins would not budge on the F, explaining that he doesn’t believe in rubber-stamping students just to move them along. If Miller wants a passing grade, he’ll have to earn it.
In the auditorium, Assistant Coach Damon and Sterling Schremerhorn were leading a pep rally for the lacrosse team. Suddenly, the school mascot, the Fighting Panhandler, arrived and wandered into the audience, begging for change. Damon explained that this was how they raised money for the school’s woefully-underfunded athletic programs.
STERLING: “I’m the cheerleader AND the team! Please give money!”
After the pep rally, Damon took the Fighting Panhandler aside to offer some tips on his begging technique. The Panhandler showed off his new moves, proving that he doesn’t need any advice. Upset by the Panhandler’s snub, Damon threw his dodgeball at the Panhandler. Damon was stunned that the Panhandler could survive a direct hit without injury, and was left to wonder who was inside the costume.
Ms. Munsen-Meyer and Mr. Cook were in her office, discussing cleaning techniques. They were surprised by the unexpected arrival of Munsen-Meyer’s star assistant from last year, Lewis von Kemia, who had just left the hospital and was ready to start school again. Lewis told her that, during his coma, the only thing that gave him the will to live was his deep subconscious need to file.
At the Crash Pad, Gwendolyn was tallying up the day’s receipts when Joe Luderman entered, looking for a job. Sterling Schremerhorn arrived and invited Joe to her birthday party. (“Gwendolyn, I would invite you, but we’re ‘not friends,’ wink-wink.”) Sterling asked if she could hire Gwen’s boyfriend’s band, The Dead Bunnies, to play at the party. Sterling told Joe that Miller would be providing the Coors and “party favors,” whatever that meant. After Sterling left, Joe asked Gwen if she knew anything about the drug traffic in the school. Joe explained that he thought Mr. Cook was trying to recruit him as a dealer. Gwen remembered that Cook once got her into a pyramid scheme selling moisturizer, so she wouldn’t put it past him.
Mr. Huggins was alone in his classroom, grading the students’ self-portrait kites, when his former star pupil Lewis von Kemia arrived. Huggins was thrilled to see Lewis again, and expressed his admiration for Lewis keeping his sense of humor in the face of his life-threatening illness. (“Well, if you can’t laugh at it, it just kills you.”) Suddenly, Sterling Schremerhorn entered and was startled to see her old boyfriend Lewis, now devoid of his former flowing golden tresses. They hugged, but she was reluctant to return his embrace. She explained that her hesitation wasn’t due to his changed appearance, but because she was afraid of hurting him. Lewis and Sterling had a musical montage/flashback to happier times, culminating in Lewis kicking the shit out of Miller.
Mr. Cook was eyeing Joe’s locker when Miller arrived and offered Cook some 9-year-old daiquiri mix. Cook started to explain his suspicions about Joe, when the Fighting Panhandler wandered by and started hassling Miller for change. A scuffle ensued.
Assistant Coach Damon was eating his Hot Pockets in the cafeteria when Ms. Munsen-Meyer entered. She told him how much she admired his struggling to get by on his experience in the real world, without the benefit of her Ivy League education. Then she broke the bad news that his application to become a full-fledged Coach had been declined, even though the Coach position was vacant. Damon angrily complained about his workload, holding down five jobs and enduring a hellish commute to make ends meet, and the strain it was putting on his marriage…not to mention his medical condition of priapism (look it up). As Damon ranted, Munsen-Meyer held up her hand to silence him. Suddenly, Damon touched his palm to hers.
NEXT WEEK: Lewis delivers the good news to Gwendolyn.
Episode 1: Back to School
Our story begins outside Little Five Points High on the first day of school, where the popular cheerleader Sterling Schremerhorn ran into her best friend, Gwendolyn Pinchot, and was taken aback by Gwen’s new punk look. Gwen told Sterling that they couldn’t be seen together, since it would be bad for her new image…but they could still be friends secretly.
Art teacher Randy Huggins asked new student Joe Luderman to stay after class. Mr. Huggins had sensed that Joe was holding in some secret inner turmoil, and reassured Joe that he could confide in him. However, since Joe’s inner secret was that he’s really an undercover cop sent to infiltrate the school’s drug trade, he couldn’t confide in anybody.
Guidance counselor Ms. Munsen-Meyer was going through some files when Miller, the school stoner, arrived for his 10:30 appointment. She explained how proud she was of him for reaching his senior year after only 8 years. She warned him that there were some people in the school that still wanted to hold him back.
Assistant Coach Carl Damon and custodian Mr. Cook were hanging out by the lockers, discussing their suspicions about the new kid, Joe Luderman. Damon worried that Joe was on the marijuana, so when Joe stopped by his locker, Mr. Cook tried to lull him into a false sense of security by assuring Joe that he could store & distribute anything in his locker with complete privacy. Joe thought that Cook was trying to make a business deal.
Gwendolyn Pinchot was at her after-school job at the local coffee shop The Crash Pad when Ms. Munsen-Meyer entered. Gwendolyn asked if she could help out in Ms. Munsen-Meyer’s office after school, and Munsen-Meyer eagerly accepted. As a show of good faith, Gwen offered to cover up the obscenities on her T-shirt when she’s in the office.
Miller was asleep in art class when Mr. Huggins woke him up and gave him an F. Miller defended himself by explaining that he was dreaming about art, and we saw the dream with Miller as Picasso, painting and smoking a chorus line of dancing joints. Huggins would not budge on the F, explaining that he doesn’t believe in rubber-stamping students just to move them along. If Miller wants a passing grade, he’ll have to earn it.
In the auditorium, Assistant Coach Damon and Sterling Schremerhorn were leading a pep rally for the lacrosse team. Suddenly, the school mascot, the Fighting Panhandler, arrived and wandered into the audience, begging for change. Damon explained that this was how they raised money for the school’s woefully-underfunded athletic programs.
STERLING: “I’m the cheerleader AND the team! Please give money!”
After the pep rally, Damon took the Fighting Panhandler aside to offer some tips on his begging technique. The Panhandler showed off his new moves, proving that he doesn’t need any advice. Upset by the Panhandler’s snub, Damon threw his dodgeball at the Panhandler. Damon was stunned that the Panhandler could survive a direct hit without injury, and was left to wonder who was inside the costume.
Ms. Munsen-Meyer and Mr. Cook were in her office, discussing cleaning techniques. They were surprised by the unexpected arrival of Munsen-Meyer’s star assistant from last year, Lewis von Kemia, who had just left the hospital and was ready to start school again. Lewis told her that, during his coma, the only thing that gave him the will to live was his deep subconscious need to file.
At the Crash Pad, Gwendolyn was tallying up the day’s receipts when Joe Luderman entered, looking for a job. Sterling Schremerhorn arrived and invited Joe to her birthday party. (“Gwendolyn, I would invite you, but we’re ‘not friends,’ wink-wink.”) Sterling asked if she could hire Gwen’s boyfriend’s band, The Dead Bunnies, to play at the party. Sterling told Joe that Miller would be providing the Coors and “party favors,” whatever that meant. After Sterling left, Joe asked Gwen if she knew anything about the drug traffic in the school. Joe explained that he thought Mr. Cook was trying to recruit him as a dealer. Gwen remembered that Cook once got her into a pyramid scheme selling moisturizer, so she wouldn’t put it past him.
Mr. Huggins was alone in his classroom, grading the students’ self-portrait kites, when his former star pupil Lewis von Kemia arrived. Huggins was thrilled to see Lewis again, and expressed his admiration for Lewis keeping his sense of humor in the face of his life-threatening illness. (“Well, if you can’t laugh at it, it just kills you.”) Suddenly, Sterling Schremerhorn entered and was startled to see her old boyfriend Lewis, now devoid of his former flowing golden tresses. They hugged, but she was reluctant to return his embrace. She explained that her hesitation wasn’t due to his changed appearance, but because she was afraid of hurting him. Lewis and Sterling had a musical montage/flashback to happier times, culminating in Lewis kicking the shit out of Miller.
Mr. Cook was eyeing Joe’s locker when Miller arrived and offered Cook some 9-year-old daiquiri mix. Cook started to explain his suspicions about Joe, when the Fighting Panhandler wandered by and started hassling Miller for change. A scuffle ensued.
Assistant Coach Damon was eating his Hot Pockets in the cafeteria when Ms. Munsen-Meyer entered. She told him how much she admired his struggling to get by on his experience in the real world, without the benefit of her Ivy League education. Then she broke the bad news that his application to become a full-fledged Coach had been declined, even though the Coach position was vacant. Damon angrily complained about his workload, holding down five jobs and enduring a hellish commute to make ends meet, and the strain it was putting on his marriage…not to mention his medical condition of priapism (look it up). As Damon ranted, Munsen-Meyer held up her hand to silence him. Suddenly, Damon touched his palm to hers.
NEXT WEEK: Lewis delivers the good news to Gwendolyn.
Monday, January 26, 2009
Season 7, Episode 9: Everybody Dies
And now, the final episode of the Miami season!
Episode 9: Everybody Dies
Mayoral candidates Dan Mandarino and Jim McMayonnaise met for a debate, with the Commodore moderating. Jim revealed that he was running for a sympathy vote, explaining that he not only had just a few months to live, but on top of that he was going blind. The only thing he wanted before his death was to be mayor. Dan started his rebuttal, but the Commodore declared that time was up as soon as Dan opened his mouth.
At a homeless mission, a bedraggled figure was trying to open a can of beans with his teeth when Sir John Holmes entered. Using his astounding powers of deduction, he calculated that this shabby vagabond was either the Captain (of The Captain & Tennille) or Angelo Lansbury. Angelo explained that, after he lost all his cocaine, the rest of his fortune went with it. Holmes warned Angelo that he still blamed him for introducing cocaine to England…and causing the death of Holmes’ son. Angelo pleaded for mercy, explaining that he knew who now had his cocaine. Reluctantly, Holmes and Angelo agreed to work together to track down Miami’s new druglord, Orville Furman.
Outgoing Mayor Shula Goldamayer was going over some last-minute paperwork, distraught over the recall election. She couldn’t believe that such an important race had been reduced to a dog-and-pony show with two football stars and other celebrities vying for attention. The Commodore entered to ask why she hadn’t entered the debate. She replied “What’s the point of debating morons?” The Commodore urged her not to give up, and she revealed that she wasn’t giving up her fight against evil…she was only giving up the mayor’s office so she wouldn’t be bound by legal restraints. Once she’s free from office, she can fight evil on her own terms, and live up to her middle name…Shula Ramberg Goldamayer.
The newly-wealthy Detective Orville Furman was compensating Simpson and Snatch for all their years of lousy pay, taking them shopping for new shoes. When they asked where he got all this money, he told them he “inherited” it. They decided to go out and get messed up. (Since Snatch was pregnant, Simpson agreed to get messed up enough for both of them.)
At Pepino’s, Dan was drowning his sorrows while Snatch was drinking near-beer. He asked her why she was siding with Jim McMayonnaise when she was carrying Dan’s child. She replied that Jim truly cared about her, whereas Dan just kept throwing footballs and daiquiris at her. She told Dan that she had good news and bad news.
DAN: “Gimme the bad news first, then gimme the good news twice.”
SNATCH: “Well, the good news and the bad news is really the same thing, so…Jim McMayonnaise is marrying me, Jim McMayonnaise is marrying me, Jim McMayonnaise is marrying me.”
DAN: “I think Jim McMayonnaise just signed his own death warrant.”
Jim McMayonnaise was filming a public service announcement with Angelo Lansbury to fight hunger (by feeding Angelo a Touchdown Honey Bun). Suddenly, a football flew through the air, narrowly missing Jim. Shrugging off the incident, Jim bragged that the election was in the bag…he had fixed the election by telling the Make-a-Wish Foundation that he was dying and going blind, and they were going to make his wish of being mayor come true. Angelo warned Jim that he’d made a big mistake by lying to the Make-a-Wish Foundation…if you tell them you’re dying, and you don’t die, they kill you anyway. Jim realized that his only hope of surviving was to develop a terminal illness. Suddenly, another football narrowly missed Jim.
Sir John Holmes and Officer Simpson were practicing at the firing range when Holmes tried to break the news that Detective Furman was engaged in illegal activities. She couldn’t believe what he was saying about her “soul-mate,” then offered to show off her marksmanship by shooting the corncob pipe out of Holmes’ mouth.
Detective Furman was in his new high-rise apartment when Shula smashed down the door. Furman once again tried to accuse Shula of being the real druglord (having planted more cocaine in her desk), but she wasn’t having any part of it. She pulled out her Throwing Star of David.
The Commodore went to say goodbye to Snatch, explaining that he’d been offered a position at Langley University, to work on the most advanced computer program in existence…the Altair Project, creating artificial intelligence in a clunky robot body. Snatch replied that it was probably for the best, since she was going to marry Jim McMayonnaise anyway. They would each find their own happiness, Snatch with Jim and the Commodore with his project.
Detective Furman was weighing out his cocaine in his high-rise when Angelo entered. As Furman gloated over taking over Angelo’s business, Angelo presented him with one of the “perks” of the business…a bill for all the cocaine Furman had stolen, along with moving expenses. When Furman protested, Angelo threatened to take him to The People’s Court.
Snatch was trying on bridal gowns (and admiring her ass in the mirror) when Poppi arrived, wearing a beautiful gown. He explained that he had returned to Miami to be her bridesmaid. He presented her with something old (his old Village People biker cap), something new (a Reese’s peanut butter cup), something borrowed (a condom he borrowed from a friend), and something blue (a picture of a guy he blew).
At Pepino’s, Jim McMayonnaise’s bachelor party was in full swing. The Commodore presented Jim with a program he’d written where a woman takes off her pixilated clothing…he called it “Leisure Suit Larry.” Sir John Holmes suggested that they employ the services of a lady of the evening. Suddenly, a football flew through the air and narrowly missed Jim.
Dan Mandarino told Simpson about his plan to kill Jim McMayonnaise and then marry Snatch himself. He showed her the ring he’d gotten for Snatch, containing the densest diamond known to man (“It’s the God-Ring”). When Simpson asked what was in this plan for her, he replied that HE was in it for her.
Angelo Lansbury and Detective Furman went on The People’s Court, presided over by special guest judge Tony Danza. Furman argued that when Angelo gave him a kilo of cocaine as a gift back in the first episode, that meant that he was entitled to the rest of Angelo’s cocaine. Unimpressed, Tony Danza ruled in Angelo’s favor. Suddenly, Shula burst in, shirtless (but thankfully still wearing a bra), wearing a headband, and carrying a huge machine-gun. No longer was she Mayor Goldamayer…now, she was RAMBERG! Ramberg struck a blow for justice by shooting Detective Furman repeatedly. Tony Danza used his “Who’s the Boss” housekeeping skills to clean up the mess.
The wedding of Officer Snatch and Jim McMayonnaise was about to begin, with the Commodore conducting the service, Poppi as the bridesmaid, and Tony Danza as the best man. Suddenly, a football flew through the air and narrowly missed Jim, but the ceremony continued. More footballs struck, this time actually hitting Jim. The Commodore spotted the assassin, Dan Mandarino. The Commodore took a football, but wrestled Dan to the ground. Despite having killed the groom, Dan asked Snatch to forgive him and marry him instead. Before she could reply, the mortally-injured Commodore threw one of Dan’s own footballs at him. With almost everybody else dead, Snatch asked Tony Danza to marry her.
Ramberg prepared to announce the results of the election, even though both candidates had just died. Opening the envelope, she was stunned to discover that the winner was a write-in candidate…Ramberg! Suddenly, the spirits of Detective Furman, Dan Mandarino, and Jim McMayonnaise appeared, swearing to haunt her. Luckily, being Jewish, she didn’t believe in them. The spirits departed, and Angelo Lansbury arrived. He explained that losing his fortune had made him see the error of his ways, and he wanted to atone for his past. He revealed that he had organized the write-in campaign that restored her to office. Suddenly, Sir John Holmes arrived, still seeking revenge for his son’s death. Angelo calmly walked up to Holmes, explaining his new program of forgiveness, which he called “Hugs, Not Drugs.” Angelo hugged Holmes, who dropped his billy club and broke down crying.
POPPI: “This is the Miami I’ve come to know and love!”
THE END
Episode 9: Everybody Dies
Mayoral candidates Dan Mandarino and Jim McMayonnaise met for a debate, with the Commodore moderating. Jim revealed that he was running for a sympathy vote, explaining that he not only had just a few months to live, but on top of that he was going blind. The only thing he wanted before his death was to be mayor. Dan started his rebuttal, but the Commodore declared that time was up as soon as Dan opened his mouth.
At a homeless mission, a bedraggled figure was trying to open a can of beans with his teeth when Sir John Holmes entered. Using his astounding powers of deduction, he calculated that this shabby vagabond was either the Captain (of The Captain & Tennille) or Angelo Lansbury. Angelo explained that, after he lost all his cocaine, the rest of his fortune went with it. Holmes warned Angelo that he still blamed him for introducing cocaine to England…and causing the death of Holmes’ son. Angelo pleaded for mercy, explaining that he knew who now had his cocaine. Reluctantly, Holmes and Angelo agreed to work together to track down Miami’s new druglord, Orville Furman.
Outgoing Mayor Shula Goldamayer was going over some last-minute paperwork, distraught over the recall election. She couldn’t believe that such an important race had been reduced to a dog-and-pony show with two football stars and other celebrities vying for attention. The Commodore entered to ask why she hadn’t entered the debate. She replied “What’s the point of debating morons?” The Commodore urged her not to give up, and she revealed that she wasn’t giving up her fight against evil…she was only giving up the mayor’s office so she wouldn’t be bound by legal restraints. Once she’s free from office, she can fight evil on her own terms, and live up to her middle name…Shula Ramberg Goldamayer.
The newly-wealthy Detective Orville Furman was compensating Simpson and Snatch for all their years of lousy pay, taking them shopping for new shoes. When they asked where he got all this money, he told them he “inherited” it. They decided to go out and get messed up. (Since Snatch was pregnant, Simpson agreed to get messed up enough for both of them.)
At Pepino’s, Dan was drowning his sorrows while Snatch was drinking near-beer. He asked her why she was siding with Jim McMayonnaise when she was carrying Dan’s child. She replied that Jim truly cared about her, whereas Dan just kept throwing footballs and daiquiris at her. She told Dan that she had good news and bad news.
DAN: “Gimme the bad news first, then gimme the good news twice.”
SNATCH: “Well, the good news and the bad news is really the same thing, so…Jim McMayonnaise is marrying me, Jim McMayonnaise is marrying me, Jim McMayonnaise is marrying me.”
DAN: “I think Jim McMayonnaise just signed his own death warrant.”
Jim McMayonnaise was filming a public service announcement with Angelo Lansbury to fight hunger (by feeding Angelo a Touchdown Honey Bun). Suddenly, a football flew through the air, narrowly missing Jim. Shrugging off the incident, Jim bragged that the election was in the bag…he had fixed the election by telling the Make-a-Wish Foundation that he was dying and going blind, and they were going to make his wish of being mayor come true. Angelo warned Jim that he’d made a big mistake by lying to the Make-a-Wish Foundation…if you tell them you’re dying, and you don’t die, they kill you anyway. Jim realized that his only hope of surviving was to develop a terminal illness. Suddenly, another football narrowly missed Jim.
Sir John Holmes and Officer Simpson were practicing at the firing range when Holmes tried to break the news that Detective Furman was engaged in illegal activities. She couldn’t believe what he was saying about her “soul-mate,” then offered to show off her marksmanship by shooting the corncob pipe out of Holmes’ mouth.
Detective Furman was in his new high-rise apartment when Shula smashed down the door. Furman once again tried to accuse Shula of being the real druglord (having planted more cocaine in her desk), but she wasn’t having any part of it. She pulled out her Throwing Star of David.
The Commodore went to say goodbye to Snatch, explaining that he’d been offered a position at Langley University, to work on the most advanced computer program in existence…the Altair Project, creating artificial intelligence in a clunky robot body. Snatch replied that it was probably for the best, since she was going to marry Jim McMayonnaise anyway. They would each find their own happiness, Snatch with Jim and the Commodore with his project.
Detective Furman was weighing out his cocaine in his high-rise when Angelo entered. As Furman gloated over taking over Angelo’s business, Angelo presented him with one of the “perks” of the business…a bill for all the cocaine Furman had stolen, along with moving expenses. When Furman protested, Angelo threatened to take him to The People’s Court.
Snatch was trying on bridal gowns (and admiring her ass in the mirror) when Poppi arrived, wearing a beautiful gown. He explained that he had returned to Miami to be her bridesmaid. He presented her with something old (his old Village People biker cap), something new (a Reese’s peanut butter cup), something borrowed (a condom he borrowed from a friend), and something blue (a picture of a guy he blew).
At Pepino’s, Jim McMayonnaise’s bachelor party was in full swing. The Commodore presented Jim with a program he’d written where a woman takes off her pixilated clothing…he called it “Leisure Suit Larry.” Sir John Holmes suggested that they employ the services of a lady of the evening. Suddenly, a football flew through the air and narrowly missed Jim.
Dan Mandarino told Simpson about his plan to kill Jim McMayonnaise and then marry Snatch himself. He showed her the ring he’d gotten for Snatch, containing the densest diamond known to man (“It’s the God-Ring”). When Simpson asked what was in this plan for her, he replied that HE was in it for her.
Angelo Lansbury and Detective Furman went on The People’s Court, presided over by special guest judge Tony Danza. Furman argued that when Angelo gave him a kilo of cocaine as a gift back in the first episode, that meant that he was entitled to the rest of Angelo’s cocaine. Unimpressed, Tony Danza ruled in Angelo’s favor. Suddenly, Shula burst in, shirtless (but thankfully still wearing a bra), wearing a headband, and carrying a huge machine-gun. No longer was she Mayor Goldamayer…now, she was RAMBERG! Ramberg struck a blow for justice by shooting Detective Furman repeatedly. Tony Danza used his “Who’s the Boss” housekeeping skills to clean up the mess.
The wedding of Officer Snatch and Jim McMayonnaise was about to begin, with the Commodore conducting the service, Poppi as the bridesmaid, and Tony Danza as the best man. Suddenly, a football flew through the air and narrowly missed Jim, but the ceremony continued. More footballs struck, this time actually hitting Jim. The Commodore spotted the assassin, Dan Mandarino. The Commodore took a football, but wrestled Dan to the ground. Despite having killed the groom, Dan asked Snatch to forgive him and marry him instead. Before she could reply, the mortally-injured Commodore threw one of Dan’s own footballs at him. With almost everybody else dead, Snatch asked Tony Danza to marry her.
Ramberg prepared to announce the results of the election, even though both candidates had just died. Opening the envelope, she was stunned to discover that the winner was a write-in candidate…Ramberg! Suddenly, the spirits of Detective Furman, Dan Mandarino, and Jim McMayonnaise appeared, swearing to haunt her. Luckily, being Jewish, she didn’t believe in them. The spirits departed, and Angelo Lansbury arrived. He explained that losing his fortune had made him see the error of his ways, and he wanted to atone for his past. He revealed that he had organized the write-in campaign that restored her to office. Suddenly, Sir John Holmes arrived, still seeking revenge for his son’s death. Angelo calmly walked up to Holmes, explaining his new program of forgiveness, which he called “Hugs, Not Drugs.” Angelo hugged Holmes, who dropped his billy club and broke down crying.
POPPI: “This is the Miami I’ve come to know and love!”
THE END
Sunday, January 25, 2009
Season 7, Episode 8: Misery and Company
Episode 8: Misery and Company
Shula Goldamayer was holding Angelo Lansbury captive in a remote mountain cabin, as revenge for his shooting her foot off. (She now had a prosthetic leg.) Angelo apologized, but Shula said that wasn’t enough…she demanded that he shoot himself to make up for it.
In his office, Orville Furman delivered a Shakespearean soliloquy on the loss of his cocaine. Walking past, Sir John Holmes overheard the monologue and entered, suggesting that Furman pursue a career in the theatre. Furman introduced himself, though he couldn’t remember whether he was Chief, Captain, or Detective. Suddenly, Holmes’ keen deductive senses kicked into high gear. Finding a pop-top on the floor, Holmes and Furman set out on a mission to find the litterbug.
Dan Mandarino and the pregnant Officer Snatch were sharing some quality time in Snatch’s apartment, when they were interrupted by the unexpected arrival of Snatch’s old flame and Dan’s longtime rival, Jim McMayonnaise.
The Commodore was in the office at Pepino’s, working at the computer, when Officer Simpson returned to the scene of her kidnapping. The Commodore explained that he was writing a program to set things in motion, and asked Simpson what she had done with the futuristic 3¼ inch diskette he had given her. She couldn’t remember, but thought she might have put it with her cassette tapes.
Jim McMayonnaise revealed that he had been traded to Miami, and was going to replace Dan as the superstar player. Jim and Dan one-upped each other’s career highlights.
Having followed Shula’s demand by shooting himself in the hand, Angelo Lansbury pleaded for his life. She made him beg in a baby voice, which suddenly awoke her womanly instincts. Shula took Angelo in her arms.
Furman and Holmes were on the trail of the litterbug when Furman recognized the footprints as belonging to the supplier of his “sinus medicine.” Holmes realized that Furman was talking about Angelo Robespierre Lansbury, and Furman was amazed that Holmes had been able to learn Angelo’s middle name. Holmes explained that only a few short years ago, England was completely cocaine-free, until Angelo flooded the market with his product, causing the decline of the British Empire.
As Shula Goldamayer was sleeping in the afterglow, Angelo picked up the phone and called for a car to pick him up. He hurriedly hung up as Shula woke up and offered him latkes. She informed Angelo that the sex changed nothing between them, and that she was still going to take as much revenge as she could within the confines of the law. (“I can’t kill you, but I can ask you to shoot yourself.”) Angelo threatened to use his money and influence to replace her as mayor, and she in turn threatened to burn his cocaine fields. Angelo cut the strap to her prosthetic leg and made his getaway.
After returning to his office, Angelo checked his inventory and discovered that all of his cocaine was gone. He called the warehouse and spoke to his foreman, Reynaldo. In the course of several hours of explanation and pleading, Reynaldo revealed that somebody had come in and taken all the cocaine. Angelo told Reynaldo not to worry, and reassured him that somebody would come around to kill him shortly.
Simpson broke into Buster Banks’ abandoned porn studio, thrilling in the smell of sex. She set up Buster’s camera and got onto the couch, filming her own “big scene” as she sang a ballad about her troubles. Hearing the disturbance, Snatch burst into the studio. They argued about Snatch’s affair with the Commodore, and Simpson shot Snatch in the foot again. (If it weren’t for her full-body armor and bulletproof pantyhose, Snatch would be in really bad shape.)
Dan Mandarino called Angelo’s office, but the receptionist refused to take his call. Shula Goldamayer burst in, and Dan explained that nobody would give him the time of day since Jim McMayonnaise replaced him as Miami’s football hero. Shula tried to rouse Jim’s confidence by reciting a Styx song. Dan came up with a plan to destroy Jim by elevating him to the mayor’s office, then bringing him down. But to do that, he’d need to get rid of the current mayor. He shoved a gag in Shula’s mouth.
Sir John Holmes led Detective Furman to the cabin where Angelo had been held captive, only to discover the Commodore already there. Holmes fulfilled his promise from last week by giving the Commodore the key to the UNIX operating system. Furman changed the subject by revealing that he had used his authority to raid Angelo’s warehouse and load the entire supply of cocaine into a U-Haul. Holmes asked Furman why he had gone through that whole withdrawal ordeal when he had a U-Haul full of coke.
Dan Mandarino was putting up campaign posters when Jim McMayonnaise came by. Jim informed Dan that he had the sex tape of Dan’s affair with Poppi, and threatened to make the tape public unless Dan left town and transferred to the Detroit Lions.
Angelo was putting up “Lost Cocaine” posters when Detective Furman walked by, rubbing Angelo’s nose in his loss before walking on.
Simpson and Snatch had worked out their problems and come to an arrangement regarding the Commodore and Snatch’s babies. When the Commodore arrived, they asked him to join them in a three-way marriage. The Commodore then revealed his own plan. Since Snatch was carrying twins, one fathered by the Commodore and one by Dan Mandarino, the Commodore had devised a method to combine the twins into a single baby. (“Think of it! A baby that is as smart as a nerd, but with the social skills of a quarterback! A superbaby that can survive high school!”)
Out on the streets, Angelo was looking for his lost cocaine when Jim McMayonnaise arrived. Jim repeated some advice that Mike Ditka had given him: “When in doubt, take down everybody around you.” Jim explained that he would use Dan’s sex tape (“Road House of Ass”) to ruin Dan’s career, use the momentum to run Jim for mayor, then legalize cocaine and appoint Angelo the Secretary of Cocaine and the Interior. Jim revealed that he had already set his plan in motion, then turned on a TV to show that the sex tape was being played on every news program.
TO BE CONTINUED…
Shula Goldamayer was holding Angelo Lansbury captive in a remote mountain cabin, as revenge for his shooting her foot off. (She now had a prosthetic leg.) Angelo apologized, but Shula said that wasn’t enough…she demanded that he shoot himself to make up for it.
In his office, Orville Furman delivered a Shakespearean soliloquy on the loss of his cocaine. Walking past, Sir John Holmes overheard the monologue and entered, suggesting that Furman pursue a career in the theatre. Furman introduced himself, though he couldn’t remember whether he was Chief, Captain, or Detective. Suddenly, Holmes’ keen deductive senses kicked into high gear. Finding a pop-top on the floor, Holmes and Furman set out on a mission to find the litterbug.
Dan Mandarino and the pregnant Officer Snatch were sharing some quality time in Snatch’s apartment, when they were interrupted by the unexpected arrival of Snatch’s old flame and Dan’s longtime rival, Jim McMayonnaise.
The Commodore was in the office at Pepino’s, working at the computer, when Officer Simpson returned to the scene of her kidnapping. The Commodore explained that he was writing a program to set things in motion, and asked Simpson what she had done with the futuristic 3¼ inch diskette he had given her. She couldn’t remember, but thought she might have put it with her cassette tapes.
Jim McMayonnaise revealed that he had been traded to Miami, and was going to replace Dan as the superstar player. Jim and Dan one-upped each other’s career highlights.
Having followed Shula’s demand by shooting himself in the hand, Angelo Lansbury pleaded for his life. She made him beg in a baby voice, which suddenly awoke her womanly instincts. Shula took Angelo in her arms.
Furman and Holmes were on the trail of the litterbug when Furman recognized the footprints as belonging to the supplier of his “sinus medicine.” Holmes realized that Furman was talking about Angelo Robespierre Lansbury, and Furman was amazed that Holmes had been able to learn Angelo’s middle name. Holmes explained that only a few short years ago, England was completely cocaine-free, until Angelo flooded the market with his product, causing the decline of the British Empire.
As Shula Goldamayer was sleeping in the afterglow, Angelo picked up the phone and called for a car to pick him up. He hurriedly hung up as Shula woke up and offered him latkes. She informed Angelo that the sex changed nothing between them, and that she was still going to take as much revenge as she could within the confines of the law. (“I can’t kill you, but I can ask you to shoot yourself.”) Angelo threatened to use his money and influence to replace her as mayor, and she in turn threatened to burn his cocaine fields. Angelo cut the strap to her prosthetic leg and made his getaway.
After returning to his office, Angelo checked his inventory and discovered that all of his cocaine was gone. He called the warehouse and spoke to his foreman, Reynaldo. In the course of several hours of explanation and pleading, Reynaldo revealed that somebody had come in and taken all the cocaine. Angelo told Reynaldo not to worry, and reassured him that somebody would come around to kill him shortly.
Simpson broke into Buster Banks’ abandoned porn studio, thrilling in the smell of sex. She set up Buster’s camera and got onto the couch, filming her own “big scene” as she sang a ballad about her troubles. Hearing the disturbance, Snatch burst into the studio. They argued about Snatch’s affair with the Commodore, and Simpson shot Snatch in the foot again. (If it weren’t for her full-body armor and bulletproof pantyhose, Snatch would be in really bad shape.)
Dan Mandarino called Angelo’s office, but the receptionist refused to take his call. Shula Goldamayer burst in, and Dan explained that nobody would give him the time of day since Jim McMayonnaise replaced him as Miami’s football hero. Shula tried to rouse Jim’s confidence by reciting a Styx song. Dan came up with a plan to destroy Jim by elevating him to the mayor’s office, then bringing him down. But to do that, he’d need to get rid of the current mayor. He shoved a gag in Shula’s mouth.
Sir John Holmes led Detective Furman to the cabin where Angelo had been held captive, only to discover the Commodore already there. Holmes fulfilled his promise from last week by giving the Commodore the key to the UNIX operating system. Furman changed the subject by revealing that he had used his authority to raid Angelo’s warehouse and load the entire supply of cocaine into a U-Haul. Holmes asked Furman why he had gone through that whole withdrawal ordeal when he had a U-Haul full of coke.
Dan Mandarino was putting up campaign posters when Jim McMayonnaise came by. Jim informed Dan that he had the sex tape of Dan’s affair with Poppi, and threatened to make the tape public unless Dan left town and transferred to the Detroit Lions.
Angelo was putting up “Lost Cocaine” posters when Detective Furman walked by, rubbing Angelo’s nose in his loss before walking on.
Simpson and Snatch had worked out their problems and come to an arrangement regarding the Commodore and Snatch’s babies. When the Commodore arrived, they asked him to join them in a three-way marriage. The Commodore then revealed his own plan. Since Snatch was carrying twins, one fathered by the Commodore and one by Dan Mandarino, the Commodore had devised a method to combine the twins into a single baby. (“Think of it! A baby that is as smart as a nerd, but with the social skills of a quarterback! A superbaby that can survive high school!”)
Out on the streets, Angelo was looking for his lost cocaine when Jim McMayonnaise arrived. Jim repeated some advice that Mike Ditka had given him: “When in doubt, take down everybody around you.” Jim explained that he would use Dan’s sex tape (“Road House of Ass”) to ruin Dan’s career, use the momentum to run Jim for mayor, then legalize cocaine and appoint Angelo the Secretary of Cocaine and the Interior. Jim revealed that he had already set his plan in motion, then turned on a TV to show that the sex tape was being played on every news program.
TO BE CONTINUED…
Saturday, January 24, 2009
Season 7, Episode 7: The Foot-Shooting Party
Episode 7: The Foot-Shooting Party
Snatch informed the Commodore that she was carrying his child. The Commodore was confused, since only a couple of weeks ago it was Simpson who thought she was pregnant with his baby, but she turned out to be mistaken. Snatch assured him that there was no mistake this time…she was going to have twins; one fathered by the Commodore, the other by Dan Mandarino.
In the back room of Pepino’s, Snatch’s renegade sister Patch had Simpson tied up. Patch had taken Simpson’s clothes and hair in order to impersonate her. By disguising herself as Simpson, Patch would worm her way into Snatch’s life and take her revenge.
Mayor Shula Goldamayer was going over some paperwork in her office when she was visited by Sir John Holmes, a detective from Scotland Yard who had transferred to Miami as part of an exchange program. Shula knew Holmes by reputation (“You have the biggest billy club in England!”), and eagerly welcomed him. She told him that she needed his help against Angelo Lansbury.
On the docks, Angelo Lansbury (during contractual negotiations, the part of Angelo Lansbury will be played by Tom Wopat) was selling cocaine when Detective Orville Furman rowed by. Furman angrily explained that he had spent two weeks in rehab, only to return and find himself demoted to Private First Ass. (“When I get my hands on Shula Goldamayer, I’m gonna twist her a new tit!”) Angelo offered to help Furman get revenge and take over the mayor’s office himself. Angelo immediately realized that having Furman as mayor would be a bad idea, then offered to just get Furman’s old job back.
Snatch was on patrol with Patch (disguised as Simpson). Snatch said that, now that she was pregnant, she wanted to be responsible and do some REAL police work. (“Let’s go on a crime spree, but, like, the opposite.”) Patch/Simpson told Snatch about a very dangerous criminal who had arrived in town…years ago, Snatch had a twin sister from whom she was separated at birth. That sister grew up in a life of crime, killing her first man at age three, and became a mistress of disguise. Amazed by this news, Snatch was eager to track down her evil sister. Patch told her she didn’t have to look very far…then took off her Simpson wig.
Sir John Holmes paid a visit to the Commodore to commission some special weapons against crime, such as those provided by Scotland Yard’s “Q.” (“I want an Aston-Martin, a pen that can kill a man from 300 yards, spectacles that can see through a woman’s clothing, and a shoe. Just a shoe, that’s all.”) In return, Holmes would provide the Commodore with the secrets of the UNIX computer system.
Private First Ass Furman came to his old office and found Shula waiting for him. He insisted that he was cured of his drug habit, and she tested him by pulling some cocaine out of his desk drawer and pouring it in his in-box. He accused her of planting the drugs in his desk, and in turn, she accused him of leaving the cocaine just so he could accuse HER of planting it. They both got so confused, neither one could remember whose cocaine it was. (“You see how ridiculous this is going to sound in court!”)
At Pepino’s, the bound and scalped Simpson sang a song about her plight.
The Commodore showed Sir John Holmes his new weapon…a “pen” the size and shape of a rocket launcher. As promised, Holmes gave the Commodore an advanced microchip. Holmes then demonstrated his deductive skills by explaining the ridiculously elaborate process by which he had figured out the Commodore’s real name, Gerald Jameson.
Furman and Angelo Lansbury had placed Shula Goldamayer in a jail cell. Shula protested this unauthorized incarceration (“What are you going to do, arrest me for cocaine?”), then uncrossed her legs Sharon Stone-style. Furman demanded the return of his old job and his cocaine habit. When Shula refused, Angelo shot her foot off. Shocked, Furman pulled out his own gun and leveled it at Angelo, starting a Mexican stand-off.
Sir John entered Pepino’s just as Simpson crawled up from the basement. After Holmes freed her, she asked him to come with her as back-up to rescue Snatch.
On the pier, Snatch and Patch were in their own Mexican stand-off, when they decided to put their guns away and just talk out their problems. Patch explained that she and Snatch were twins fathered by two different men, just like the babies Snatch was now carrying. Patch said that those babies were the only reason she didn’t kill Snatch right away. (“One of them is mine! I don’t mean I’m the father, I mean I’m taking one!”)
To track down Patch, Holmes and Simpson enlisted the assistance of sketch artist Lebbie Gibson. Holmes observed that Lebbie reminded him a lot of his own country’s Samantha Fox. While describing her kidnapper, Simpson remembered that one of Patch’s eyes wasn’t real. Hearing Simpson’s description, Holmes realized that Patch fit the description of his own arch-nemesis, Lady Chandelier Moriarty.
The stand-off between Angelo and Furman continued. Angelo sneezed, causing him to accidentally shoot Furman in the arm. Taking advantage of this twist of fate, Angelo picked up Furman’s fallen gun. Suddenly, the Commodore rushed in, looking for a shoe. Everybody tried to explain their side of the story, but the Commodore accepted Angelo’s version, since Angelo was the one pointing a gun at him.
Patch continued telling her life story to Snatch, including the time she became a master spy in England, when Sir John Holmes and Simpson rushed in to the rescue. In the struggle, Patch shot Snatch in the butt. Simpson retaliated by shooting Patch, while Holmes saved Snatch by performing mouth-to-ass resuscitation. Suddenly, the Commodore arrived. (“Sorry, I was totally at the wrong Mexican stand-off!”) Sir John declared that Snatch and both of her babies were all right. Because the Commodore had come to her rescue and Dan wasn’t even there, Snatch decided to keep the Commodore’s baby and give Dan’s to Patch. After hearing that Snatch had slept with the Commodore, the jealous Simpson shot off Snatch’s foot. Patch grabbed Sir John’s billy club and kneecapped Simpson. The only ones left standing, Sir John Holmes and Patch/Lady Chandelier Moriarty faced off for a final showdown. Although Patch had the drop on Holmes, Holmes seized the advantage by exposing himself. While she was awestruck, Holmes grabbed the Commodore’s “pen” and took Patch down.
TO BE CONTINUED…
Snatch informed the Commodore that she was carrying his child. The Commodore was confused, since only a couple of weeks ago it was Simpson who thought she was pregnant with his baby, but she turned out to be mistaken. Snatch assured him that there was no mistake this time…she was going to have twins; one fathered by the Commodore, the other by Dan Mandarino.
In the back room of Pepino’s, Snatch’s renegade sister Patch had Simpson tied up. Patch had taken Simpson’s clothes and hair in order to impersonate her. By disguising herself as Simpson, Patch would worm her way into Snatch’s life and take her revenge.
Mayor Shula Goldamayer was going over some paperwork in her office when she was visited by Sir John Holmes, a detective from Scotland Yard who had transferred to Miami as part of an exchange program. Shula knew Holmes by reputation (“You have the biggest billy club in England!”), and eagerly welcomed him. She told him that she needed his help against Angelo Lansbury.
On the docks, Angelo Lansbury (during contractual negotiations, the part of Angelo Lansbury will be played by Tom Wopat) was selling cocaine when Detective Orville Furman rowed by. Furman angrily explained that he had spent two weeks in rehab, only to return and find himself demoted to Private First Ass. (“When I get my hands on Shula Goldamayer, I’m gonna twist her a new tit!”) Angelo offered to help Furman get revenge and take over the mayor’s office himself. Angelo immediately realized that having Furman as mayor would be a bad idea, then offered to just get Furman’s old job back.
Snatch was on patrol with Patch (disguised as Simpson). Snatch said that, now that she was pregnant, she wanted to be responsible and do some REAL police work. (“Let’s go on a crime spree, but, like, the opposite.”) Patch/Simpson told Snatch about a very dangerous criminal who had arrived in town…years ago, Snatch had a twin sister from whom she was separated at birth. That sister grew up in a life of crime, killing her first man at age three, and became a mistress of disguise. Amazed by this news, Snatch was eager to track down her evil sister. Patch told her she didn’t have to look very far…then took off her Simpson wig.
Sir John Holmes paid a visit to the Commodore to commission some special weapons against crime, such as those provided by Scotland Yard’s “Q.” (“I want an Aston-Martin, a pen that can kill a man from 300 yards, spectacles that can see through a woman’s clothing, and a shoe. Just a shoe, that’s all.”) In return, Holmes would provide the Commodore with the secrets of the UNIX computer system.
Private First Ass Furman came to his old office and found Shula waiting for him. He insisted that he was cured of his drug habit, and she tested him by pulling some cocaine out of his desk drawer and pouring it in his in-box. He accused her of planting the drugs in his desk, and in turn, she accused him of leaving the cocaine just so he could accuse HER of planting it. They both got so confused, neither one could remember whose cocaine it was. (“You see how ridiculous this is going to sound in court!”)
At Pepino’s, the bound and scalped Simpson sang a song about her plight.
The Commodore showed Sir John Holmes his new weapon…a “pen” the size and shape of a rocket launcher. As promised, Holmes gave the Commodore an advanced microchip. Holmes then demonstrated his deductive skills by explaining the ridiculously elaborate process by which he had figured out the Commodore’s real name, Gerald Jameson.
Furman and Angelo Lansbury had placed Shula Goldamayer in a jail cell. Shula protested this unauthorized incarceration (“What are you going to do, arrest me for cocaine?”), then uncrossed her legs Sharon Stone-style. Furman demanded the return of his old job and his cocaine habit. When Shula refused, Angelo shot her foot off. Shocked, Furman pulled out his own gun and leveled it at Angelo, starting a Mexican stand-off.
Sir John entered Pepino’s just as Simpson crawled up from the basement. After Holmes freed her, she asked him to come with her as back-up to rescue Snatch.
On the pier, Snatch and Patch were in their own Mexican stand-off, when they decided to put their guns away and just talk out their problems. Patch explained that she and Snatch were twins fathered by two different men, just like the babies Snatch was now carrying. Patch said that those babies were the only reason she didn’t kill Snatch right away. (“One of them is mine! I don’t mean I’m the father, I mean I’m taking one!”)
To track down Patch, Holmes and Simpson enlisted the assistance of sketch artist Lebbie Gibson. Holmes observed that Lebbie reminded him a lot of his own country’s Samantha Fox. While describing her kidnapper, Simpson remembered that one of Patch’s eyes wasn’t real. Hearing Simpson’s description, Holmes realized that Patch fit the description of his own arch-nemesis, Lady Chandelier Moriarty.
The stand-off between Angelo and Furman continued. Angelo sneezed, causing him to accidentally shoot Furman in the arm. Taking advantage of this twist of fate, Angelo picked up Furman’s fallen gun. Suddenly, the Commodore rushed in, looking for a shoe. Everybody tried to explain their side of the story, but the Commodore accepted Angelo’s version, since Angelo was the one pointing a gun at him.
Patch continued telling her life story to Snatch, including the time she became a master spy in England, when Sir John Holmes and Simpson rushed in to the rescue. In the struggle, Patch shot Snatch in the butt. Simpson retaliated by shooting Patch, while Holmes saved Snatch by performing mouth-to-ass resuscitation. Suddenly, the Commodore arrived. (“Sorry, I was totally at the wrong Mexican stand-off!”) Sir John declared that Snatch and both of her babies were all right. Because the Commodore had come to her rescue and Dan wasn’t even there, Snatch decided to keep the Commodore’s baby and give Dan’s to Patch. After hearing that Snatch had slept with the Commodore, the jealous Simpson shot off Snatch’s foot. Patch grabbed Sir John’s billy club and kneecapped Simpson. The only ones left standing, Sir John Holmes and Patch/Lady Chandelier Moriarty faced off for a final showdown. Although Patch had the drop on Holmes, Holmes seized the advantage by exposing himself. While she was awestruck, Holmes grabbed the Commodore’s “pen” and took Patch down.
TO BE CONTINUED…
Friday, January 23, 2009
Season 7, Episode 6: Hot Salsa
Episode 6: Hot Salsa
Angelo Lansbury offered his condolences to Buster Banks over Dixie Greenflag’s death. (“Even though I would have killed her myself, I’m sorry for your loss.”) Buster informed Angelo that he had killed Dixie’s murderer, Rodriguez Philbin. However, before he died, Rodriguez had called Buster “brother”…which would mean that Angelo is Buster’s father. They headed out to get a paternity test.
Poppi was preparing for a busy night at his nightclub, Coconutz, when a mysterious and beautiful woman entered. Introducing herself as Claudia, she explained that she had come to Miami from Colombia, and was opening her own Salsa nightclub two blocks away. Poppi was so shaken by the competition that his theme music failed him.
At City Hall, Mayor Shula Goldamayer promoted Officer Simpson to be the new chief of police in Detective Furman’s absence. She asked Simpson to take down Angelo Lansbury by hitting him where it hurts the most…in his testicles.
Officer Snatch was cooking up some Cap’n Crunch for breakfast in Dan Mandarino’s apartment. Dan woke up and reflected on how good life was as a swinging bachelor with nothing to tie him down. Snatch informed him that “There’s a biscuit in the proverbial toaster-oven that is my uterus.” She wasn’t sure whether the baby was Dan’s, Buster’s, Rodriguez’, or even Poppi’s. Stunned, Dan asked her to take a paternity test.
After sinking all his money into “Weekend at Bernie’s,” Buster was down to his last $3.00. Shula Goldamayer entered and offered him a job filming a campaign commercial for her. (“I’ve been a big fan of your work ever since ‘Diddler on the Roof.’”) Suddenly, Buster got a phone call from the paternity clinic…he was indeed Angelo Lansbury’s son.
Dan Mandarino was signing autographs at the mall when Poppi rushed in with the news that Claudia was planning to run Poppi out of business. Dan promised to use his authority as a newly-appointed police officer, as well as his “inimmunity” from prosecution, to run Claudia out of town. In return, Dan asked Poppi for a blood sample for Snatch’s paternity test.
Simpson and Snatch set off to carry out Simpson’s assignment of testicular punishment for Angelo. Arriving in Angelo’s office, Simpson informed him that, as the new chief of police, she had to be tough on crime and take him in. When Angelo protested that they needed him to provide them with cocaine, they informed him that they had a new connection, “a new lady in town.” Simpson ordered Angelo to drop his pants. When he complied, Simpson and Snatch were awestruck by the sight, and decided that Angelo belonged in one of Buster Banks’ porn movies.
It was opening night at Claudia’s new Salsa nightclub, Pepino’s, and everybody who’s anybody was there. (Even the guy who writes these summaries got in on the action.) When Angelo Lansbury arrived, Shula punched him in the nuts. Buster retaliated by punching Shula. However, not even the brawl could dampen the spirits of the other partyers. Outside, a despondent Poppi looked in through the window.
The next day, Chief Simpson came to make sure Claudia’s beer and wine license was in order. Claudia explained that she was expecting the license in the mail. In the meantime, Claudia prepared her specialty, a “Hot Passion shooter,” then offered Simpson some Salsa dance lessons to make her irresistible to men. (“Imagine that every time you move your body, you’re having tiny little orgasms all over.”) As Claudia stood behind Simpson for the lesson, Simpson felt something odd.
SIMPSON: “Is that a gun in your crotch?”
CLAUDIA: “As a matter of fact, it is.”
Suddenly, Claudia chloroformed Simpson.
After the world premiere of “Weekend at Bernie’s,” Buster and Shula were having a drink to apologize to each other for the brawl. Buster revealed that the premiere had gone so well that he’d gotten job offers from Steven Spielberg and George Lucas. The opportunity was too good for him to pass up, so he’d have to leave. Shula and Buster had a tearful farewell, then ran off to have “crying sex.”
With Coconutz gone out of business, Poppi headed out on the road, carrying a bindlestiff (you know, those bag-on-a-stick hobo things…). Officer Snatch came by to say goodbye, and asked him where he was going. Poppi explained that he was planning to become a theatre critic in “the only city gayer than Miami…Atlanta, Georgia.” He said goodbye to Snatch. (“You are the only woman who could get me to stick my penis in a natural vagina.”) Taking that as a cue, Snatch asked Poppi for a blood sample for the paternity test. Anticipating her request, Poppi presented her with a poem he had written in his own blood: “It’s a Marshmallow World in the Winter.”
Buster told Angelo that he was going to L.A. to work as an assistant director on “Howard the Duck”…and that the paternity test confirmed that Angelo was his father. Angelo and Buster caught up on their relationship by having all the usual father-son arguments in under a minute. As a farewell present, Angelo presented Buster with a ring that had been passed down through his family since the days of the cocaine Vikings.
Dan and Snatch brought the blood samples to the Mayor’s office, where Shula ran them through her DNA-anator. After getting the results, Shula informed Snatch that she was carrying twins. One was Dan’s, and the other… (Dramatic musical sting as the scene ends before she completes the sentence.)
Simpson regained consciousness in the back room of Pepino’s, where Claudia stood over her gloating. Claudia dropped her accent and confessed that her true purpose in coming to Miami was not just to run Poppi out of business, but to get revenge on Simpson and Snatch. When Simpson asked why, Claudia took off her wig and revealed her true identity…she’s Snatch’s sister, Patch.
TO BE CONTINUED…
Angelo Lansbury offered his condolences to Buster Banks over Dixie Greenflag’s death. (“Even though I would have killed her myself, I’m sorry for your loss.”) Buster informed Angelo that he had killed Dixie’s murderer, Rodriguez Philbin. However, before he died, Rodriguez had called Buster “brother”…which would mean that Angelo is Buster’s father. They headed out to get a paternity test.
Poppi was preparing for a busy night at his nightclub, Coconutz, when a mysterious and beautiful woman entered. Introducing herself as Claudia, she explained that she had come to Miami from Colombia, and was opening her own Salsa nightclub two blocks away. Poppi was so shaken by the competition that his theme music failed him.
At City Hall, Mayor Shula Goldamayer promoted Officer Simpson to be the new chief of police in Detective Furman’s absence. She asked Simpson to take down Angelo Lansbury by hitting him where it hurts the most…in his testicles.
Officer Snatch was cooking up some Cap’n Crunch for breakfast in Dan Mandarino’s apartment. Dan woke up and reflected on how good life was as a swinging bachelor with nothing to tie him down. Snatch informed him that “There’s a biscuit in the proverbial toaster-oven that is my uterus.” She wasn’t sure whether the baby was Dan’s, Buster’s, Rodriguez’, or even Poppi’s. Stunned, Dan asked her to take a paternity test.
After sinking all his money into “Weekend at Bernie’s,” Buster was down to his last $3.00. Shula Goldamayer entered and offered him a job filming a campaign commercial for her. (“I’ve been a big fan of your work ever since ‘Diddler on the Roof.’”) Suddenly, Buster got a phone call from the paternity clinic…he was indeed Angelo Lansbury’s son.
Dan Mandarino was signing autographs at the mall when Poppi rushed in with the news that Claudia was planning to run Poppi out of business. Dan promised to use his authority as a newly-appointed police officer, as well as his “inimmunity” from prosecution, to run Claudia out of town. In return, Dan asked Poppi for a blood sample for Snatch’s paternity test.
Simpson and Snatch set off to carry out Simpson’s assignment of testicular punishment for Angelo. Arriving in Angelo’s office, Simpson informed him that, as the new chief of police, she had to be tough on crime and take him in. When Angelo protested that they needed him to provide them with cocaine, they informed him that they had a new connection, “a new lady in town.” Simpson ordered Angelo to drop his pants. When he complied, Simpson and Snatch were awestruck by the sight, and decided that Angelo belonged in one of Buster Banks’ porn movies.
It was opening night at Claudia’s new Salsa nightclub, Pepino’s, and everybody who’s anybody was there. (Even the guy who writes these summaries got in on the action.) When Angelo Lansbury arrived, Shula punched him in the nuts. Buster retaliated by punching Shula. However, not even the brawl could dampen the spirits of the other partyers. Outside, a despondent Poppi looked in through the window.
The next day, Chief Simpson came to make sure Claudia’s beer and wine license was in order. Claudia explained that she was expecting the license in the mail. In the meantime, Claudia prepared her specialty, a “Hot Passion shooter,” then offered Simpson some Salsa dance lessons to make her irresistible to men. (“Imagine that every time you move your body, you’re having tiny little orgasms all over.”) As Claudia stood behind Simpson for the lesson, Simpson felt something odd.
SIMPSON: “Is that a gun in your crotch?”
CLAUDIA: “As a matter of fact, it is.”
Suddenly, Claudia chloroformed Simpson.
After the world premiere of “Weekend at Bernie’s,” Buster and Shula were having a drink to apologize to each other for the brawl. Buster revealed that the premiere had gone so well that he’d gotten job offers from Steven Spielberg and George Lucas. The opportunity was too good for him to pass up, so he’d have to leave. Shula and Buster had a tearful farewell, then ran off to have “crying sex.”
With Coconutz gone out of business, Poppi headed out on the road, carrying a bindlestiff (you know, those bag-on-a-stick hobo things…). Officer Snatch came by to say goodbye, and asked him where he was going. Poppi explained that he was planning to become a theatre critic in “the only city gayer than Miami…Atlanta, Georgia.” He said goodbye to Snatch. (“You are the only woman who could get me to stick my penis in a natural vagina.”) Taking that as a cue, Snatch asked Poppi for a blood sample for the paternity test. Anticipating her request, Poppi presented her with a poem he had written in his own blood: “It’s a Marshmallow World in the Winter.”
Buster told Angelo that he was going to L.A. to work as an assistant director on “Howard the Duck”…and that the paternity test confirmed that Angelo was his father. Angelo and Buster caught up on their relationship by having all the usual father-son arguments in under a minute. As a farewell present, Angelo presented Buster with a ring that had been passed down through his family since the days of the cocaine Vikings.
Dan and Snatch brought the blood samples to the Mayor’s office, where Shula ran them through her DNA-anator. After getting the results, Shula informed Snatch that she was carrying twins. One was Dan’s, and the other… (Dramatic musical sting as the scene ends before she completes the sentence.)
Simpson regained consciousness in the back room of Pepino’s, where Claudia stood over her gloating. Claudia dropped her accent and confessed that her true purpose in coming to Miami was not just to run Poppi out of business, but to get revenge on Simpson and Snatch. When Simpson asked why, Claudia took off her wig and revealed her true identity…she’s Snatch’s sister, Patch.
TO BE CONTINUED…
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