Episode 5: Everybody Dies
Officer Simpson was grilling the Commodore about the murder of Mary Lou Retton. She brought in a line-up of suspects (Dan Mandarino, Officer Snatch, Buster Banks, Angelo Lansbury, and a random guy), asking the Commodore to point out the person he saw standing over Mary Lou’s body. She confessed that she believed the Commodore himself did it, but she was willing to frame whoever he picked out. Seeing a chance for revenge, the Commodore identified Dan Mandarino as the killer. They pulled Dan out of the line-up and confiscated his football. Simpson revealed the reason for her action: she’s pregnant with the Commodore’s child.
Angelo Lansbury was trying to handle his business affairs when Rodriguez Philbin entered. Rodriguez revealed that he was Angelo’s son, whom Angelo had tried to have killed by a “baby hitman.” Angelo told Rodriguez that he was at death’s door due to having his liver ejected from his body. Rodriguez immediately went from vengeful to sympathetic, and offered to kill everybody in town to find a match for his liver.
Buster Banks was in his editing room when his lost love, Dixie Greenflag, entered. She revealed that, since fleeing town after shooting Angelo, she had found religion and was putting her life as a porn star behind her. (“The only threesome I’m interested in now is the Father, the Son, and the Holy Ghost.”) She asked Buster to join her in her new life.
Dan Mandarino was working as a celebrity bartender at Coconutz, despondent without his football. (Even his career highlights were dull now.) Shula Goldamayer entered and congratulated him for blowing out Angelo’s liver. She offered him a chance to fight more crime by joining the police force. She admitted that they had a lot in common…she used to play football as well, though she played street football because she was too hardcore for the NFL. Dan suddenly recognized her as his idol, “The Shulanator.”
In Simpson & Snatch’s apartment, Simpson told Snatch that she believed she was pregnant. Snatch wanted to have a baby herself so that they could share the experience together, even though Simpson had two weeks’ headstart.
SIMPSON: “Maybe you could have your baby prematurely.”
SNATCH: “Well, I do smoke a lot.”
When Simpson revealed that the father was the Commodore, Snatch was appalled. Snatch explained how the Commodore had threatened her mother. They were both so emotionally conflicted that they decided to go out and get drunk.
The Commodore and Buster Banks were hanging out at the arcade. Buster noticed that the Commodore had Dan’s football…which was only the first part of the Commodore’s plan to get revenge on Dan. Buster suggested that they combine that with his own plan to get revenge on Rodriguez Philbin for killing Mary Lou Retton. Struck by a sudden inspiration, Buster asked the Commodore to take over Mary Lou’s role in his movie.
Angelo was in the hospital for his daily blood-cleansing when Dixie Greenflag entered. Despite their having tried to kill each other, their strange circumstances brought them to a kind of truce. Now that he’s at death’s door, Angelo asked Dixie to forgive him for getting her into porn. She asked him to repent for all his misdeeds, not just his crimes against her. He agreed, and promised not to stand in the way of her marriage with Buster.
Officer Snatch was buying donuts at a convenience store when Rodriguez Philbin entered and introduced himself. Snatch reminded him that she had arrested him last week, and tried to do so again. When Rodriguez threatened to take her liver, Snatch told him that she knew an even better match…somebody she needed to get rid of anyway. If Rodriguez would eliminate her enemy, she would provide him with a victim…Dixie Greenflag.
Shula Goldamayer was going over some new legislation when Angelo staggered in, asking her help in moving him up the list to get a new liver. Shula pointed out that she had predicted that his life of crime would lead to something like this. When he said that he regretted his evil ways, Shula opened her desk drawer and presented him with the perfect type B-Positive liver…Mary Lou Retton’s.
The Commodore went to see Simpson, ready to take responsibility as a father. She revealed that she wasn’t pregnant after all, then pulled her gun on him for threatening Snatch’s mother. She couldn’t bring herself to do it, and ordered him to go. Before he left, he gave her a gift of “the future”…a computer diskette.
At Amateur Night at Coconutz, Dixie Greenflag was singing a rockin’ song about finding religion. At the end of her song, Rodriguez Philbin came on stage and complimented her on her performance. (“I find you very attractive. Therefore, I must kill you in front of this amateur night audience.”) After strangling her, Rodriguez took a bow and announced, “I’ll be here all week.”
Buster Banks was filming Dan Mandarino in a commercial for Tiger Malt Liquor. In the course of their conversation, Buster mentioned the sex tape he had of Dan and Poppi. Dan said he would do anything to get that tape back.
At Coconutz, Simpson and Snatch investigated the crime scene. Snatch recognized Dixie as the star of her favorite porn film, “Guess Who’s Coming at Dinner?” Simpson figured that the murder was the work of Rodriguez Philbin, but Snatch made up an alibi for him, claiming he was having sex with her at the time. Simpson was appalled that Snatch might be pregnant, now that Simpson knew that she herself wasn’t. Snatch asked Simpson to be the father figure for her baby.
Rodriguez Philbin was cooking Beanie Weenies at Buster’s place, then hid when Buster arrived. Buster found a newspaper headline announcing Dixie’s murder. Before he had time to grieve, he heard the tell-tale flatulence and discovered Rodriguez. Buster grabbed his gun.
RODRIGUEZ: “You can shoot me, Buster Banks…but know that you’d be shooting your own brother!”
BUSTER: “I’ll investigate that plot point later!”
With that, Buster shot Rodriguez.
TO BE CONTINUED…
Thursday, January 22, 2009
Wednesday, January 21, 2009
Season 7, Episode 4: A Gold Medal in Murder
Episode 4: A Gold Medal in Murder
Buster Banks and Poppi were making cold calls to raise funds for Buster’s movie. When they called on a Mr. Francoise, Poppi started negotiating in French, getting Mr. Francoise to commit $250,000. When Francoise asked “Who do I make the check out to?”, they thought he was saying something about Gerard Depardieu, so they agreed to cast him.
Shula Goldamayer used her menorah to hypnotize Officer Snatch and find out her true feelings about Dan Mandarino.
SNATCH: “Dan Mandarino, he’s really hot…he really likes me…a lot.”
SHULA: “You rhymed! That means it’s true love!”
Angelo Lansbury was on the pier, pitching his cocaine to passersby, when a mysterious stranger walked by. The man introduced himself as Rodriguez Philbin, explaining that he had just come to America from Cuba to avenge his father’s murder. Angelo welcomed Rodriguez to America by giving him a bag of cocaine.
Officer Simpson was fixing breakfast for the Commodore after their night of passion. The Commodore confessed that he wasn’t comfortable with human contact, but Simpson replied that he didn’t seem to uncomfortable last night. She took off the Commodore’s glasses, telling him that he could be really attractive if he loosened up.
When Detective Furman confessed that he was in a very dark mood since losing the enchanted wig, and that he had burned the “impostor” wig, cursing it for ruining his dreams. Poppi pointed out that no hairpiece could ruin Furman’s dreams…only Furman himself did that. As they talked, Poppi’s theme song started playing, and Furman and Poppi danced to it. Poppi realized that Furman had also heard “the inner monologue of the homosexual male,” but Furman denied it.
Buster Banks was in the studio when Rodriguez Philbin knocked on the door. Buster recognized Rodriguez as his old friend from when he spent spring break in Cuba. Rodriguez asked if he and his 12 cousins could stay in Buster’s studio. Buster agreed, on the condition that Rodriguez play the dead body in his movie. When Rodriguez complimented Buster on his Mary Lou Retton-style flag-design jumpsuit, they suddenly got the brilliant idea of asking Mary Lou Retton to co-star in the movie.
Detective Furman was hanging out at Coconutz when Mayor Shula Goldamayer came in and fired him because he’d ordered Snatch to rat on Dan Mandarino. Furman started ranting about how Dan thought he could get away with anything, then Shula reminded Furman that he himself had given Dan immunity from prosecution. Noticing the cocaine on the floor, Shula realized she needed to take drastic measures to help Furman. She handcuffed herself to Furman to keep him away from drugs.
FURMAN: “I’ll die, I tell you!”
SHULA: “Then I’ll drag your dead body around and pretend you’re alive!”
At Coconutz, Poppi offered Angelo his latest drink invention, the “Pooty-Tooter.” As Angelo drank it, a football suddenly flew through the air and struck Angelo.
Out on the streets, Simpson and Snatch were placing a tape outline around a dead body (“This is like a REAL case!”). As they examined the body, Rodriguez Philbin walked up and tried to take the body away. As Simpson and Snatch prepared to arrest him for interfering with a crime scene, he explained about his quest for vengeance.
RODRIGUEZ: “I’m looking for the man who killed my father, and if I have to kill every white woman in this town to do it, I will!…Did I just say that out loud?”
In the hospital, Angelo explained to the Commodore that the football had hit him so hard, he “pooped out his liver.” He now needed a transplant. However, his blood type (B-Positive) was so rare, that the only matches were the other 9 people in the cast.
Buster went to the prison to visit Rodriguez, but was stopped by Officer Simpson at the admittance desk. He identified himself as Buster Banks (“Perhaps you’ve seen one of my movies scrambled on your TV at night”), and Simpson was awestruck. She was a big fan of his movies, but offered him some constructive criticism on the lighting. Impressed, he hired her as a lighting person. As he reached across the desk to shake hands, he accidentally knocked over Simpson’s portable siren, and she slugged him.
Having escaped from jail, Rodriguez Philbin went to Coconutz looking for a job as a cook. Poppi had so much trouble understanding him that Rodriguez finally dropped his accent and asked Poppi not to reveal that he wasn’t really Cuban. Rodriguez explained that years ago, he had seen a videotape of his father being killed, but now he believed that it was actually his father DOING the killing…and that his father was Angelo Lansbury.
Shula Goldamayer dragged Detective Furman to temple for some perspective. As she prayed, God spoke to them and told Furman to read the scroll on the altar. God told him to stare at the scroll and unfocus his eyes until the message appeared.
The Commodore called on Officer Snatch, informing her that his program had named her as the best match for Angelo’s liver. He warned her that if she didn’t donate her liver, he could make life hell for her…even worse than life without a liver.
Rodriguez Philbin was alone in Buster’s studio when Mary Lou Retton arrived, eager to start work on Buster’s movie. Consumed with bloodlust, Rodriguez killed her just as Buster walked in.
As Angelo and Poppi were shopping for funeral clothes (just in case), Poppi warned Angelo about Rodriguez’ quest for vengeance. To show his love, Poppi was prepared to save Angelo in two ways: He would donate half of his liver, plus he would disguise himself as a woman and set himself out as bait to trap Rodriguez.
The Commodore arrived at Buster’s studio and was horrified by the sight of Buster kneeling over Mary Lou Retton’s corpse. (“You’ve killed an innocent woman who looked like a child!”) Buster proclaimed his innocence, and told the Commodore that they had to find Rodriguez Philbin.
BUSTER: “Have you seen a small Hispanic man running around?”
COMMODORE: “In Miami?”
TO BE CONTINUED…
Buster Banks and Poppi were making cold calls to raise funds for Buster’s movie. When they called on a Mr. Francoise, Poppi started negotiating in French, getting Mr. Francoise to commit $250,000. When Francoise asked “Who do I make the check out to?”, they thought he was saying something about Gerard Depardieu, so they agreed to cast him.
Shula Goldamayer used her menorah to hypnotize Officer Snatch and find out her true feelings about Dan Mandarino.
SNATCH: “Dan Mandarino, he’s really hot…he really likes me…a lot.”
SHULA: “You rhymed! That means it’s true love!”
Angelo Lansbury was on the pier, pitching his cocaine to passersby, when a mysterious stranger walked by. The man introduced himself as Rodriguez Philbin, explaining that he had just come to America from Cuba to avenge his father’s murder. Angelo welcomed Rodriguez to America by giving him a bag of cocaine.
Officer Simpson was fixing breakfast for the Commodore after their night of passion. The Commodore confessed that he wasn’t comfortable with human contact, but Simpson replied that he didn’t seem to uncomfortable last night. She took off the Commodore’s glasses, telling him that he could be really attractive if he loosened up.
When Detective Furman confessed that he was in a very dark mood since losing the enchanted wig, and that he had burned the “impostor” wig, cursing it for ruining his dreams. Poppi pointed out that no hairpiece could ruin Furman’s dreams…only Furman himself did that. As they talked, Poppi’s theme song started playing, and Furman and Poppi danced to it. Poppi realized that Furman had also heard “the inner monologue of the homosexual male,” but Furman denied it.
Buster Banks was in the studio when Rodriguez Philbin knocked on the door. Buster recognized Rodriguez as his old friend from when he spent spring break in Cuba. Rodriguez asked if he and his 12 cousins could stay in Buster’s studio. Buster agreed, on the condition that Rodriguez play the dead body in his movie. When Rodriguez complimented Buster on his Mary Lou Retton-style flag-design jumpsuit, they suddenly got the brilliant idea of asking Mary Lou Retton to co-star in the movie.
Detective Furman was hanging out at Coconutz when Mayor Shula Goldamayer came in and fired him because he’d ordered Snatch to rat on Dan Mandarino. Furman started ranting about how Dan thought he could get away with anything, then Shula reminded Furman that he himself had given Dan immunity from prosecution. Noticing the cocaine on the floor, Shula realized she needed to take drastic measures to help Furman. She handcuffed herself to Furman to keep him away from drugs.
FURMAN: “I’ll die, I tell you!”
SHULA: “Then I’ll drag your dead body around and pretend you’re alive!”
At Coconutz, Poppi offered Angelo his latest drink invention, the “Pooty-Tooter.” As Angelo drank it, a football suddenly flew through the air and struck Angelo.
Out on the streets, Simpson and Snatch were placing a tape outline around a dead body (“This is like a REAL case!”). As they examined the body, Rodriguez Philbin walked up and tried to take the body away. As Simpson and Snatch prepared to arrest him for interfering with a crime scene, he explained about his quest for vengeance.
RODRIGUEZ: “I’m looking for the man who killed my father, and if I have to kill every white woman in this town to do it, I will!…Did I just say that out loud?”
In the hospital, Angelo explained to the Commodore that the football had hit him so hard, he “pooped out his liver.” He now needed a transplant. However, his blood type (B-Positive) was so rare, that the only matches were the other 9 people in the cast.
Buster went to the prison to visit Rodriguez, but was stopped by Officer Simpson at the admittance desk. He identified himself as Buster Banks (“Perhaps you’ve seen one of my movies scrambled on your TV at night”), and Simpson was awestruck. She was a big fan of his movies, but offered him some constructive criticism on the lighting. Impressed, he hired her as a lighting person. As he reached across the desk to shake hands, he accidentally knocked over Simpson’s portable siren, and she slugged him.
Having escaped from jail, Rodriguez Philbin went to Coconutz looking for a job as a cook. Poppi had so much trouble understanding him that Rodriguez finally dropped his accent and asked Poppi not to reveal that he wasn’t really Cuban. Rodriguez explained that years ago, he had seen a videotape of his father being killed, but now he believed that it was actually his father DOING the killing…and that his father was Angelo Lansbury.
Shula Goldamayer dragged Detective Furman to temple for some perspective. As she prayed, God spoke to them and told Furman to read the scroll on the altar. God told him to stare at the scroll and unfocus his eyes until the message appeared.
The Commodore called on Officer Snatch, informing her that his program had named her as the best match for Angelo’s liver. He warned her that if she didn’t donate her liver, he could make life hell for her…even worse than life without a liver.
Rodriguez Philbin was alone in Buster’s studio when Mary Lou Retton arrived, eager to start work on Buster’s movie. Consumed with bloodlust, Rodriguez killed her just as Buster walked in.
As Angelo and Poppi were shopping for funeral clothes (just in case), Poppi warned Angelo about Rodriguez’ quest for vengeance. To show his love, Poppi was prepared to save Angelo in two ways: He would donate half of his liver, plus he would disguise himself as a woman and set himself out as bait to trap Rodriguez.
The Commodore arrived at Buster’s studio and was horrified by the sight of Buster kneeling over Mary Lou Retton’s corpse. (“You’ve killed an innocent woman who looked like a child!”) Buster proclaimed his innocence, and told the Commodore that they had to find Rodriguez Philbin.
BUSTER: “Have you seen a small Hispanic man running around?”
COMMODORE: “In Miami?”
TO BE CONTINUED…
Tuesday, January 20, 2009
Season 7, Episode 3: Geek in the Machine
Episode 3: Geek in the Machine
Detective Furman visited Officer Snatch in the hospital, where she was recovering from a stab wound in the neck, receiving the best treatment she could get without medical insurance. Furman asked for Snatch’s help in taking down Dan Mandarino. She replied that she had a conflict of interest, since she’d gone on a date with Dan, and he brought a Care Bear to her hospital room. Furman warned her that her badge was riding on this.
Having been sucked into Angelo Lansbury’s computer, the Commodore was at Angelo’s mercy.
ANGELO: “What if I hit the Tab key?”
COMMODORE: “No! You’ll send me over five spaces!”
Buster Banks was on the set of his next picture when Dan Mandarino burst in, demanding the film Buster had taken of Dan and Poppi. Dan bragged that he would stop at nothing to get the film back, since he had complete immunity from prosecution (“I’m a god!”). Buster agreed to keep Dan’s sex tape out of circulation, if Dan would star in Buster’s dream project. (“You’re stiff enough to play the dead body in my picture.”)
Officer Simpson was taking in Mayor Shula Goldamayer for questioning in Snatch’s stabbing. Shula confessed that, during the 15 minutes that she lost her glasses during the struggle with Dan, she had an epiphany. Her brief period of impaired vision had made her realize what it was to be weak and oppressed…and now she wanted to devote her mayoral power to freedom and justice. She asked Simpson to call off the hit on Angelo Lansbury and Poppi. Since Simpson had lost her gun anyway, she agreed.
Angelo Lansbury was having a drink and a conversation with Poppi at Coconutz. After Poppi made a number of innuendo-filled come-ons, Angelo explained that he was straight, and only liked ladies. Poppi replied, “I could be a lady one day…if I get my pee-pee chopped off.”
Detective Furman was snorting coke in his office when the Commodore appeared on his computer screen. (“I didn’t know you could hallucinate through cocaine use!”) The Commodore assured him that he was real, and that he was stuck inside the world’s network of computers. (“It’s nothing like ‘Tron’ at all! There’s no motorcycle races, just green letters!”) Furman asked the Commodore if he could get into the mayor’s computer and arrange health insurance for the police department. In return, Furman would try to get the Commodore back into the real world, even though “getting a living being out of a computer is a metaphysical crisis I can’t even begin to imagine!”
Having been released from the hospital, Officer Snatch went to see Dan Mandarino. She explained that Furman had asked her to do something to Dan, though she wasn’t clear on exactly what. Dan asked what she was going to do.
SNATCH: “I’m gonna do what you’re gonna do.”
DAN: “You’re gonna play the Bengals on Sunday?”
Buster informed Poppi that he was planning on getting out of porn and into real movies. (“I don’t want to keep making ‘Jesus Christ, Pooperstar’ over and over.”) Poppi warned him that hardly anybody had ever made the transition from porn to mainstream, with the exception of Steven Spielberg.
Shula was taking a catnap in her office when the Commodore entered her computer and fixed the police department’s health insurance. When she woke up, the Commodore hid behind a menorah.
Simpson and Snatch filmed a public service announcement. (“Kids, be smart. Don’t do drugs. Stick to the alcohol and cigarettes.”)
Angelo Lansbury paid a visit to Buster’s studio. When Angelo promised to get even with Dixie Greenflag for shooting him, Buster threatened to rip out Angelo’s throat, play a tune on it and then throw it away like a used clarinet reed. In return, Angelo threatened to pull the financing from Buster’s porn operation. Buster wasn’t worried, since he was going to make a non-porn film, which he felt would be his biggest hit since “The Red Vadge of Courage.”
At Coconutz, Simpson and Snatch told Poppi that they were upset with him for taking all of the available men in Miami, e.g. Dan Mandarino. Poppi revealed that he now felt nothing for Dan, then he sang a song about his new love, Angelo Lansbury.
Dan Mandarino was sitting at the pier, reflecting on his situation, when the Commodore appeared on a nearby computer monitor. Dan soon recognized the Commodore as the nerd he used to bully in high school. Now that he was inside the world’s network of computers, the Commodore took revenge by selling Dan’s parents’ chicken farm to the Amish.
Detective Furman was drinking at Coconutz when Poppi entered and asked him why he was wearing such a ridiculous wig. Poppi informed Furman that what he was wearing was NOT the enchanted hairpiece that had belonged to Poppi’s grandmother…this wig belonged to a drag queen named Buffalo Manchilde. Furman was shocked by this revelation, since this wig had given him the confidence and inspiration to get up and sing.
The reformed Shula Goldamayer stormed into Angelo Lansbury’s office, demanding that he give up his illegal activities. Angelo offered her some coke to calm her down. (“Cocaine is a stimulant; it won’t calm me down! Quaaludes will calm me down!”) Angelo refused to abandon his dangerous but profitable business, even after Shula led him in a prayer.
Dan Mandarino informed Buster Banks that he’d have to put off starring in Buster’s movie, since he needed to go to Pittsburgh and save his family’s farm. Buster asked Dan to do one favor before he left. Buster knew that Dan’s throwing arm was so strong and accurate that he could kill a man with a football from 200 yards…which is precisely what Buster wanted Dan to do to Angelo.
Simpson and Snatch told the Commodore that they were too grateful to arrest him because he’d gotten them health insurance. When the Commodore made a condescending remark, Snatch retorted that, just because they’re sluts, that doesn’t mean they’re stupid. To prove their intelligence, Simpson and Snatch released the Commodore from the computer using a bobby pin, a 9-volt battery and a shot of Captain Morgan’s rum. Then they took the Commodore away for the best sex he’d ever have in his lifetime.
TO BE CONTINUED…
Detective Furman visited Officer Snatch in the hospital, where she was recovering from a stab wound in the neck, receiving the best treatment she could get without medical insurance. Furman asked for Snatch’s help in taking down Dan Mandarino. She replied that she had a conflict of interest, since she’d gone on a date with Dan, and he brought a Care Bear to her hospital room. Furman warned her that her badge was riding on this.
Having been sucked into Angelo Lansbury’s computer, the Commodore was at Angelo’s mercy.
ANGELO: “What if I hit the Tab key?”
COMMODORE: “No! You’ll send me over five spaces!”
Buster Banks was on the set of his next picture when Dan Mandarino burst in, demanding the film Buster had taken of Dan and Poppi. Dan bragged that he would stop at nothing to get the film back, since he had complete immunity from prosecution (“I’m a god!”). Buster agreed to keep Dan’s sex tape out of circulation, if Dan would star in Buster’s dream project. (“You’re stiff enough to play the dead body in my picture.”)
Officer Simpson was taking in Mayor Shula Goldamayer for questioning in Snatch’s stabbing. Shula confessed that, during the 15 minutes that she lost her glasses during the struggle with Dan, she had an epiphany. Her brief period of impaired vision had made her realize what it was to be weak and oppressed…and now she wanted to devote her mayoral power to freedom and justice. She asked Simpson to call off the hit on Angelo Lansbury and Poppi. Since Simpson had lost her gun anyway, she agreed.
Angelo Lansbury was having a drink and a conversation with Poppi at Coconutz. After Poppi made a number of innuendo-filled come-ons, Angelo explained that he was straight, and only liked ladies. Poppi replied, “I could be a lady one day…if I get my pee-pee chopped off.”
Detective Furman was snorting coke in his office when the Commodore appeared on his computer screen. (“I didn’t know you could hallucinate through cocaine use!”) The Commodore assured him that he was real, and that he was stuck inside the world’s network of computers. (“It’s nothing like ‘Tron’ at all! There’s no motorcycle races, just green letters!”) Furman asked the Commodore if he could get into the mayor’s computer and arrange health insurance for the police department. In return, Furman would try to get the Commodore back into the real world, even though “getting a living being out of a computer is a metaphysical crisis I can’t even begin to imagine!”
Having been released from the hospital, Officer Snatch went to see Dan Mandarino. She explained that Furman had asked her to do something to Dan, though she wasn’t clear on exactly what. Dan asked what she was going to do.
SNATCH: “I’m gonna do what you’re gonna do.”
DAN: “You’re gonna play the Bengals on Sunday?”
Buster informed Poppi that he was planning on getting out of porn and into real movies. (“I don’t want to keep making ‘Jesus Christ, Pooperstar’ over and over.”) Poppi warned him that hardly anybody had ever made the transition from porn to mainstream, with the exception of Steven Spielberg.
Shula was taking a catnap in her office when the Commodore entered her computer and fixed the police department’s health insurance. When she woke up, the Commodore hid behind a menorah.
Simpson and Snatch filmed a public service announcement. (“Kids, be smart. Don’t do drugs. Stick to the alcohol and cigarettes.”)
Angelo Lansbury paid a visit to Buster’s studio. When Angelo promised to get even with Dixie Greenflag for shooting him, Buster threatened to rip out Angelo’s throat, play a tune on it and then throw it away like a used clarinet reed. In return, Angelo threatened to pull the financing from Buster’s porn operation. Buster wasn’t worried, since he was going to make a non-porn film, which he felt would be his biggest hit since “The Red Vadge of Courage.”
At Coconutz, Simpson and Snatch told Poppi that they were upset with him for taking all of the available men in Miami, e.g. Dan Mandarino. Poppi revealed that he now felt nothing for Dan, then he sang a song about his new love, Angelo Lansbury.
Dan Mandarino was sitting at the pier, reflecting on his situation, when the Commodore appeared on a nearby computer monitor. Dan soon recognized the Commodore as the nerd he used to bully in high school. Now that he was inside the world’s network of computers, the Commodore took revenge by selling Dan’s parents’ chicken farm to the Amish.
Detective Furman was drinking at Coconutz when Poppi entered and asked him why he was wearing such a ridiculous wig. Poppi informed Furman that what he was wearing was NOT the enchanted hairpiece that had belonged to Poppi’s grandmother…this wig belonged to a drag queen named Buffalo Manchilde. Furman was shocked by this revelation, since this wig had given him the confidence and inspiration to get up and sing.
The reformed Shula Goldamayer stormed into Angelo Lansbury’s office, demanding that he give up his illegal activities. Angelo offered her some coke to calm her down. (“Cocaine is a stimulant; it won’t calm me down! Quaaludes will calm me down!”) Angelo refused to abandon his dangerous but profitable business, even after Shula led him in a prayer.
Dan Mandarino informed Buster Banks that he’d have to put off starring in Buster’s movie, since he needed to go to Pittsburgh and save his family’s farm. Buster asked Dan to do one favor before he left. Buster knew that Dan’s throwing arm was so strong and accurate that he could kill a man with a football from 200 yards…which is precisely what Buster wanted Dan to do to Angelo.
Simpson and Snatch told the Commodore that they were too grateful to arrest him because he’d gotten them health insurance. When the Commodore made a condescending remark, Snatch retorted that, just because they’re sluts, that doesn’t mean they’re stupid. To prove their intelligence, Simpson and Snatch released the Commodore from the computer using a bobby pin, a 9-volt battery and a shot of Captain Morgan’s rum. Then they took the Commodore away for the best sex he’d ever have in his lifetime.
TO BE CONTINUED…
Monday, January 19, 2009
Season 7, Episode 2: Porn on the Fourth of July
Episode 2: Porn on the Fourth of July
Poppi was sunbathing and writhing sensually at Miami Beach when Buster Banks offered him a part in his new movie, “All the President’s Men…ALL of Them.” Buster explained that he was looking for a new star and for someone in his heart…but they had to be two different people. The last time he fell in love with his star, it ended badly…she shot somebody and then ran away. (“It’s a good plan, to run after shooting a man.”)
Angelo Lansbury was in his office, doing some telemarketing to sell his cocaine. Simpson and Snatch arrived to investigate his shooting. Angelo explained that he’d treated his wound himself (by placing band-aids on the entrance and exit wounds) and that he didn’t intend to press charges…he’d handle the matter himself. He told Simpson and Snatch that they were the finest dirty cops on his payroll, and that he wanted them to make sure their new superior, Detective Furman, stayed in line.
Mayor Shula Goldamayer met with Dan Mandarino to discuss the upcoming ceremony presenting him with the key to the city. Dan wasn’t satisfied with just the key…he wanted her to rename the city from “Miami” to “Mandarino.” When Shula refused, the enraged Dan knocked over a table. In response, Shula jumped on Dan and started pounding away.
At Poppi’s nightclub Coconutz, Detective Furman was pontificating on the merits of generic beer, which Furman considered to be an admirable embodiment of socialist principles. However, Poppi was more interested in dancing to “Maneater” than in philosophy. After the song ended, Furman confessed that he’d lost the wig Poppi had given him. Poppi urged Furman to get it back, as it had belonged to Poppi’s grandmother…plus, it had magical powers.
Angelo was continuing his telemarketing campaign when he received a visitor…the computer expert known only as “The Commodore.” Angelo explained that he’d called in the Commodore in order to make sure that the data on his criminal empire was secure.
Simpson and Snatch were watching the fireworks when Dan Mandarino joined them, angry about the beat-down Shula had laid on him. For revenge, he planned for Simpson to disguise herself as him during the key ceremony, then, while Shula was distracted, he’d run out and blindside Shula. As he took off his jersey for Simpson’s disguise, she started babbling about a dream she’d had where Dan scored a touchdown while he was naked, emphasizing the “naked” aspect. We saw a flashback to Simpson’s dream.
Detective Furman met with Mayor Goldamayer to discuss the police department’s performance. After protesting that he didn’t have the budget to hire more than two cops, Furman revealed what was really troubling him…he felt like only half a man without the wig. Shula told him that she’d seen the wig in Dan Mandarino’s apartment. Consumed by jealousy and rage, Furman drew his gun and stormed out.
Buster Banks was on the set of his new movie, “A Funny Threesome Happened on the Way to the Forum,” when the Commodore entered. Buster and the Commodore believed that computer programmers and porn-makers had a bright future together (“Someday, my friend, computers and porn will go together like guns and bullets”). They planned to double-cross Angelo by installing a special program that would suck Angelo’s soul into the computer…and then, Buster could use Angelo’s body for his next movie, a comedy about two guys who have to make it look like a dead guy is still alive. He was thinking of calling it “Weekend at…”—well, he hadn’t decided on the name.
Detective Furman went to Dan Mandarino’s apartment, offering him 7/8 of a kilo of cocaine in exchange for the wig. Unimpressed, Dan named his own price…complete immunity from prosecution for ANYTHING. Furman agreed, and Dan handed over the wig. They both laughed maniacally.
Angelo came to the Commodore’s office to pick up his computer. As part of his payment, the Commodore requested a meeting with Dan Mandarino. Angelo was surprised, since he didn’t expect a computer nerd to be into sports. The Commodore replied that he knew all about football. (“Football is played with a ball.”)
Buster Banks was planning such future projects as “All Coming on Her Western Front” and “Much Ado about Stuffing” when Poppi arrived, eager to do either “Manlet” or “Two Gentlemen of the Boner.” In the course of their discussion, Poppi mentioned his relationship with Dan Mandarino. Stunned by this revelation, Buster started contemplating how many people would pay to see a football hero in a porn film. They decided to plant a hidden camera and catch Dan in the act.
Mad with wig-power, Detective Furman took the stage at Coconutz, singing about his dream of being a princess. Surveying the nightclub, Furman contemplated revoking Poppi’s liquor license in order to take over the club himself.
Mayor Shula Goldamayer was preparing to present the key to the city to Officer Simpson, who was disguised as Dan Mandarino. As Simpson delivered her acceptance speech, the real Dan (dressed in Simpson’s clothes) snuck up and tackled Shula. In the struggle, Shula accidentally stabbed Officer Snatch in the neck with her eyeglasses. Victorious, Dan took the podium and informed the people of Miami that “you belong to me now!”
Having set up the hidden camera in Dan’s apartment, Buster hid when Dan returned. Poppi tried to seduce Dan for the new movie, but Dan wasn’t interested in sex, what with all the changes happening in his life. (“I think I might have declared myself mayor.”) Dan revealed that he’d done so much in his short time in Miami, he was now ready to “trade himself” and move on to new challenges. As Poppi insisted on talking about their sex life, Dan grew suspicious. Dan discovered the hidden camera.
Now that his computer was all set up, Angelo Lansbury called up the Commodore for tech support. The Commodore instructed Angelo how to turn on his computer, but Angelo just couldn’t find the right keys. Frustrated with Angelo’s inability to follow simple directions, the Commodore rushed into Angelo’s office to do it himself. Without thinking, the Commodore activated the computer, which sucked in the Commodore’s soul and left his body a mindless husk. Puzzled by this strange turn of events, Angelo looked through the Commodore’s computer disks and discovered his “Angelo Mind-Control” program.
TO BE CONTINUED…
Poppi was sunbathing and writhing sensually at Miami Beach when Buster Banks offered him a part in his new movie, “All the President’s Men…ALL of Them.” Buster explained that he was looking for a new star and for someone in his heart…but they had to be two different people. The last time he fell in love with his star, it ended badly…she shot somebody and then ran away. (“It’s a good plan, to run after shooting a man.”)
Angelo Lansbury was in his office, doing some telemarketing to sell his cocaine. Simpson and Snatch arrived to investigate his shooting. Angelo explained that he’d treated his wound himself (by placing band-aids on the entrance and exit wounds) and that he didn’t intend to press charges…he’d handle the matter himself. He told Simpson and Snatch that they were the finest dirty cops on his payroll, and that he wanted them to make sure their new superior, Detective Furman, stayed in line.
Mayor Shula Goldamayer met with Dan Mandarino to discuss the upcoming ceremony presenting him with the key to the city. Dan wasn’t satisfied with just the key…he wanted her to rename the city from “Miami” to “Mandarino.” When Shula refused, the enraged Dan knocked over a table. In response, Shula jumped on Dan and started pounding away.
At Poppi’s nightclub Coconutz, Detective Furman was pontificating on the merits of generic beer, which Furman considered to be an admirable embodiment of socialist principles. However, Poppi was more interested in dancing to “Maneater” than in philosophy. After the song ended, Furman confessed that he’d lost the wig Poppi had given him. Poppi urged Furman to get it back, as it had belonged to Poppi’s grandmother…plus, it had magical powers.
Angelo was continuing his telemarketing campaign when he received a visitor…the computer expert known only as “The Commodore.” Angelo explained that he’d called in the Commodore in order to make sure that the data on his criminal empire was secure.
Simpson and Snatch were watching the fireworks when Dan Mandarino joined them, angry about the beat-down Shula had laid on him. For revenge, he planned for Simpson to disguise herself as him during the key ceremony, then, while Shula was distracted, he’d run out and blindside Shula. As he took off his jersey for Simpson’s disguise, she started babbling about a dream she’d had where Dan scored a touchdown while he was naked, emphasizing the “naked” aspect. We saw a flashback to Simpson’s dream.
Detective Furman met with Mayor Goldamayer to discuss the police department’s performance. After protesting that he didn’t have the budget to hire more than two cops, Furman revealed what was really troubling him…he felt like only half a man without the wig. Shula told him that she’d seen the wig in Dan Mandarino’s apartment. Consumed by jealousy and rage, Furman drew his gun and stormed out.
Buster Banks was on the set of his new movie, “A Funny Threesome Happened on the Way to the Forum,” when the Commodore entered. Buster and the Commodore believed that computer programmers and porn-makers had a bright future together (“Someday, my friend, computers and porn will go together like guns and bullets”). They planned to double-cross Angelo by installing a special program that would suck Angelo’s soul into the computer…and then, Buster could use Angelo’s body for his next movie, a comedy about two guys who have to make it look like a dead guy is still alive. He was thinking of calling it “Weekend at…”—well, he hadn’t decided on the name.
Detective Furman went to Dan Mandarino’s apartment, offering him 7/8 of a kilo of cocaine in exchange for the wig. Unimpressed, Dan named his own price…complete immunity from prosecution for ANYTHING. Furman agreed, and Dan handed over the wig. They both laughed maniacally.
Angelo came to the Commodore’s office to pick up his computer. As part of his payment, the Commodore requested a meeting with Dan Mandarino. Angelo was surprised, since he didn’t expect a computer nerd to be into sports. The Commodore replied that he knew all about football. (“Football is played with a ball.”)
Buster Banks was planning such future projects as “All Coming on Her Western Front” and “Much Ado about Stuffing” when Poppi arrived, eager to do either “Manlet” or “Two Gentlemen of the Boner.” In the course of their discussion, Poppi mentioned his relationship with Dan Mandarino. Stunned by this revelation, Buster started contemplating how many people would pay to see a football hero in a porn film. They decided to plant a hidden camera and catch Dan in the act.
Mad with wig-power, Detective Furman took the stage at Coconutz, singing about his dream of being a princess. Surveying the nightclub, Furman contemplated revoking Poppi’s liquor license in order to take over the club himself.
Mayor Shula Goldamayer was preparing to present the key to the city to Officer Simpson, who was disguised as Dan Mandarino. As Simpson delivered her acceptance speech, the real Dan (dressed in Simpson’s clothes) snuck up and tackled Shula. In the struggle, Shula accidentally stabbed Officer Snatch in the neck with her eyeglasses. Victorious, Dan took the podium and informed the people of Miami that “you belong to me now!”
Having set up the hidden camera in Dan’s apartment, Buster hid when Dan returned. Poppi tried to seduce Dan for the new movie, but Dan wasn’t interested in sex, what with all the changes happening in his life. (“I think I might have declared myself mayor.”) Dan revealed that he’d done so much in his short time in Miami, he was now ready to “trade himself” and move on to new challenges. As Poppi insisted on talking about their sex life, Dan grew suspicious. Dan discovered the hidden camera.
Now that his computer was all set up, Angelo Lansbury called up the Commodore for tech support. The Commodore instructed Angelo how to turn on his computer, but Angelo just couldn’t find the right keys. Frustrated with Angelo’s inability to follow simple directions, the Commodore rushed into Angelo’s office to do it himself. Without thinking, the Commodore activated the computer, which sucked in the Commodore’s soul and left his body a mindless husk. Puzzled by this strange turn of events, Angelo looked through the Commodore’s computer disks and discovered his “Angelo Mind-Control” program.
TO BE CONTINUED…
Sunday, January 18, 2009
Season 7, Episode 1: Welcome to Miami
It's a new season, and a new setting...this time, our adventures and mishaps take place in 1980s Miami...not the real Miami, but the TV Miami. And by "TV Miami," I'm talking Don Johnson, not David Caruso. Let's rock!
Episode 1: Welcome to Miami
Detective Orville Furman, newly transferred to Miami, called in undercover officers Simpson and Snatch. He informed them that a citizen had complained that, when the officers answered his 911 call, “his 10-year-old child saw nipple!” Furman explained that he accepted Simpson & Snatch having their own personal style of dress, but warned them not to expose themselves to children.
Film director Buster Banks and his leading starlet, Dixie Greenflag, were preparing to shoot their latest literary adaptation, “The Glass Menage a Trois”…their most ambitious collaboration since “Three Sisters on Sisters.” As they discussed the project, Buster grew pensive and explained that it’s always been his policy never to get personally involved with the talent…and that he wanted Dixie to quit the business so that they could pursue a relationship together. Dixie was stunned by his proposal, but reluctant to abandon her dream of starring in “The Merchant of Penis.”
Angelo Lansbury, CEO of Miami’s leading cocaine distribution company, met with football star Dan Mandarino and asked Dan to become the official spokesperson for Lansbury Cocaine. His payment would be $850 thousand, either in installments or as a lump sum. Dan replied, “I take things in lumps.”
Mayor Shula Goldamayer paid a visit to nightclub owner Poppi to discuss his liquor license. Shula demanded $3000 dollars to renew his license, so that she could pay for her next two face tucks, or else “I will close you down like a thing that gets closed down.” Poppi offered her $2000 and sexual favors instead, but Shula declined the offer.
Simpson and Snatch were out on patrol, arguing about Detective Furman’s reprimand, when they accidentally ran over a pedestrian. Continuing on their way, they decided to go to the pool. Realizing that they’d forgotten their Sun-In, they turned back and ran over the guy again.
Detective Furman went to see Angelo Lansbury, explaining that he was going around town and meeting all his constituents. Angelo offered him a welcoming gift of four bags of cocaine. Furman was shocked. He explained that he was just a simple cop from Milwaukee, and this was just too much for him to handle. He returned three bags and kept one. Furman agreed to overlook Angelo’s business dealings, as long as he didn’t cause any trouble or gun down pregnant women in public.
Dan Mandarino was having a drink at Poppi’s nightclub Coconutz, contemplating Angelo’s job offer. Poppi made some suggestive remarks to Dan, then went to talk to the DJ. Left alone, Dan began hearing the voices of all his football coaches offering him advice. When Poppi came back, Dan explained his dilemma. Poppi suddenly planted a big kiss on Dan.
Dixie Greenflag went to City Hall to see her estranged mother, Mayor Shula Goldamayer. Shula apologized for abandoning her family, but explained that Dixie’s father just wasn’t wealthy enough for her. Dixie explained that she was thinking of leaving the porn industry for love, but was conflicted. Shula gave Dixie one of her press-on nails, telling Dixie to look at the nail and think of her mother when the time came to make the decision.
Buster Banks visited Angelo Lansbury, who complimented Buster on the success of “To Fist a Mockingbird.” Buster explained his situation with Dixie, and Angelo warned Buster that Dixie was the star who brought in the profits. If Dixie quits, Angelo would stop distributing Buster’s films. Buster warned Angelo that there were a lot of porn fans with guns out there, and if necessary Buster could organize them into an army against Angelo’s thugs.
Dan Mandarino was waiting on the pier for his blind date…who turned out to be Officer Snatch. Dan told Snatch that she was prettier than any cheerleader he’d ever seen: “Your face is beautiful, and your hair’s like gold…but darker.”
Poppi paid a visit to Detective Furman’s office, explaining that Mayor Goldamayer was on the take and was shaking Poppi down. Furman urged Poppi to stay legal, then complimented Poppi on his wig. (“You flaming gay guys really know how to have fun!”) Poppi let Detective Furman try on the wig, and Furman was thrilled by the experience.
Shula Goldamayer was driving to a ribbon-cutting ceremony, with Officer Simpson as her bodyguard. Shula asked Simpson if she looked fat, explaining that a couple of people had made remarks about Shula’s weight. Simpson pulled out her gun and offered to shoot those people, and Shula gave her the names: Angelo Lansbury & Poppi. Before Simpson set out on this mission, she loaned her gun to Shula for her own protection. Shula mentioned how glad she was that she’d passed a law where each police officer’s name was inscribed on all their own bullets.
Angelo Lansbury and Dixie Greenflag met at Coconutz. He warned her that she couldn’t quit the business, since she still had a year and a half left on her three-year contract (which she didn’t remember signing, since she was high on cocaine). Dixie declared that Angelo couldn’t intimidate her, so he showed her his gun. (“That IS slightly intimidating.”) Angelo told her that Buster would find somebody else…the only love that stays is Angelo’s love of money. He pulled his gun on her.
Buster visited Mayor Goldamayer’s office, explaining that he’d been putting money aside for his masterpiece, but had instead used that money to buy a ring for Dixie. Shula advised him to get a refund, since she would provide her own ring. She handed Buster the “ring,” which bore a strange resemblance to Simpson’s gun. When Buster pointed out this resemblance, Shula was offended that he had insulted her “traditional Jewish wedding ring.”
Dan Mandarino brought Snatch back to his apartment, where he confessed that, before their date, he’d met another someone special. Suddenly, Poppi walked into the room. Dan asked Snatch to help keep his secret. She started to ask what was in it for her, but was too drunk to complete the thought.
Angelo Lansbury was holding Dixie at gunpoint when Buster entered. Dixie rushed to Buster’s side, taunting Angelo: “You’re not gonna take a potshot at your cash cow! Moo!” Seemingly accepting their decision, Angelo called in Shula Goldamayer, and asked her to perform the traditional Jewish wedding ceremony. As Shula recited the vows and Angelo leveled his gun, Dixie sensed that something was about to go wrong. She told Buster to remember that she loves him, no matter what happened next. When Buster slipped the gun/ring on Dixie’s finger, she suddenly turned and shot Angelo, then fled.
TO BE CONTINUED…
Episode 1: Welcome to Miami
Detective Orville Furman, newly transferred to Miami, called in undercover officers Simpson and Snatch. He informed them that a citizen had complained that, when the officers answered his 911 call, “his 10-year-old child saw nipple!” Furman explained that he accepted Simpson & Snatch having their own personal style of dress, but warned them not to expose themselves to children.
Film director Buster Banks and his leading starlet, Dixie Greenflag, were preparing to shoot their latest literary adaptation, “The Glass Menage a Trois”…their most ambitious collaboration since “Three Sisters on Sisters.” As they discussed the project, Buster grew pensive and explained that it’s always been his policy never to get personally involved with the talent…and that he wanted Dixie to quit the business so that they could pursue a relationship together. Dixie was stunned by his proposal, but reluctant to abandon her dream of starring in “The Merchant of Penis.”
Angelo Lansbury, CEO of Miami’s leading cocaine distribution company, met with football star Dan Mandarino and asked Dan to become the official spokesperson for Lansbury Cocaine. His payment would be $850 thousand, either in installments or as a lump sum. Dan replied, “I take things in lumps.”
Mayor Shula Goldamayer paid a visit to nightclub owner Poppi to discuss his liquor license. Shula demanded $3000 dollars to renew his license, so that she could pay for her next two face tucks, or else “I will close you down like a thing that gets closed down.” Poppi offered her $2000 and sexual favors instead, but Shula declined the offer.
Simpson and Snatch were out on patrol, arguing about Detective Furman’s reprimand, when they accidentally ran over a pedestrian. Continuing on their way, they decided to go to the pool. Realizing that they’d forgotten their Sun-In, they turned back and ran over the guy again.
Detective Furman went to see Angelo Lansbury, explaining that he was going around town and meeting all his constituents. Angelo offered him a welcoming gift of four bags of cocaine. Furman was shocked. He explained that he was just a simple cop from Milwaukee, and this was just too much for him to handle. He returned three bags and kept one. Furman agreed to overlook Angelo’s business dealings, as long as he didn’t cause any trouble or gun down pregnant women in public.
Dan Mandarino was having a drink at Poppi’s nightclub Coconutz, contemplating Angelo’s job offer. Poppi made some suggestive remarks to Dan, then went to talk to the DJ. Left alone, Dan began hearing the voices of all his football coaches offering him advice. When Poppi came back, Dan explained his dilemma. Poppi suddenly planted a big kiss on Dan.
Dixie Greenflag went to City Hall to see her estranged mother, Mayor Shula Goldamayer. Shula apologized for abandoning her family, but explained that Dixie’s father just wasn’t wealthy enough for her. Dixie explained that she was thinking of leaving the porn industry for love, but was conflicted. Shula gave Dixie one of her press-on nails, telling Dixie to look at the nail and think of her mother when the time came to make the decision.
Buster Banks visited Angelo Lansbury, who complimented Buster on the success of “To Fist a Mockingbird.” Buster explained his situation with Dixie, and Angelo warned Buster that Dixie was the star who brought in the profits. If Dixie quits, Angelo would stop distributing Buster’s films. Buster warned Angelo that there were a lot of porn fans with guns out there, and if necessary Buster could organize them into an army against Angelo’s thugs.
Dan Mandarino was waiting on the pier for his blind date…who turned out to be Officer Snatch. Dan told Snatch that she was prettier than any cheerleader he’d ever seen: “Your face is beautiful, and your hair’s like gold…but darker.”
Poppi paid a visit to Detective Furman’s office, explaining that Mayor Goldamayer was on the take and was shaking Poppi down. Furman urged Poppi to stay legal, then complimented Poppi on his wig. (“You flaming gay guys really know how to have fun!”) Poppi let Detective Furman try on the wig, and Furman was thrilled by the experience.
Shula Goldamayer was driving to a ribbon-cutting ceremony, with Officer Simpson as her bodyguard. Shula asked Simpson if she looked fat, explaining that a couple of people had made remarks about Shula’s weight. Simpson pulled out her gun and offered to shoot those people, and Shula gave her the names: Angelo Lansbury & Poppi. Before Simpson set out on this mission, she loaned her gun to Shula for her own protection. Shula mentioned how glad she was that she’d passed a law where each police officer’s name was inscribed on all their own bullets.
Angelo Lansbury and Dixie Greenflag met at Coconutz. He warned her that she couldn’t quit the business, since she still had a year and a half left on her three-year contract (which she didn’t remember signing, since she was high on cocaine). Dixie declared that Angelo couldn’t intimidate her, so he showed her his gun. (“That IS slightly intimidating.”) Angelo told her that Buster would find somebody else…the only love that stays is Angelo’s love of money. He pulled his gun on her.
Buster visited Mayor Goldamayer’s office, explaining that he’d been putting money aside for his masterpiece, but had instead used that money to buy a ring for Dixie. Shula advised him to get a refund, since she would provide her own ring. She handed Buster the “ring,” which bore a strange resemblance to Simpson’s gun. When Buster pointed out this resemblance, Shula was offended that he had insulted her “traditional Jewish wedding ring.”
Dan Mandarino brought Snatch back to his apartment, where he confessed that, before their date, he’d met another someone special. Suddenly, Poppi walked into the room. Dan asked Snatch to help keep his secret. She started to ask what was in it for her, but was too drunk to complete the thought.
Angelo Lansbury was holding Dixie at gunpoint when Buster entered. Dixie rushed to Buster’s side, taunting Angelo: “You’re not gonna take a potshot at your cash cow! Moo!” Seemingly accepting their decision, Angelo called in Shula Goldamayer, and asked her to perform the traditional Jewish wedding ceremony. As Shula recited the vows and Angelo leveled his gun, Dixie sensed that something was about to go wrong. She told Buster to remember that she loves him, no matter what happened next. When Buster slipped the gun/ring on Dixie’s finger, she suddenly turned and shot Angelo, then fled.
TO BE CONTINUED…
Friday, January 16, 2009
Season 6, Episode 22: To All Things an Ending
Episode 22: To All Things an Ending
King Plough and Duke Nort were preparing for the upcoming battle with the forces of evil. Nort was afraid that he would freeze up when the battle began, but Plough offered him a tip to ease his combat anxiety: Imagine the enemy naked. He also urged Nort to bite his tongue and taste his own blood in order to draw on his hidden powers as a berserker. Plough explained that he had looked in the Annals of Nort (“It’s a book, don’t worry”) and learned that Nort had an ancestor who was a legendary berserker.
In modern-day Smyrna, Chambliss Tucker was buying a Propel bottled water and a Slushee at the 7-11, when a rip in the space-time continuum opened up and sucked her in.
Magic Jones was putting the finishing touches on his new headquarters, the Evil Fortress of Lost Souls. Baron Üterrüs entered, disappointed that Jones wasn’t satisfied with their old evil headquarters atop Skank Mountain. Üterrüs was also concerned about Jones’ plans to divide up the conquered world, as Jones had laid claim to some of the areas Üterrüs wanted. The Baron pondered the irony: He had always wanted Jones to join him in his evil, but now he could not trust him. Magic Jones persuaded Üterrüs to trust him by singing a ragtime tune.
Francis of the Rock People and Eileve were in the forest, discussing the impending conflict. Suddenly, Chambliss Tucker fell through a rip in the space-time continuum and landed at their feet. Francis and Eileve were amazed to see Chambliss back from the dead. She explained that when she died in this realm, she simply reappeared at her home in Smyrna.
FRANCIS: “This ‘Smyrna’…is it Heaven?”
CHAMBLISS: “It’s as close to heaven as you can get in the state of Georgia!”
King Plough and Baron Üterrüs met on neutral ground. Üterrüs explained that, although they were on opposite sides, he still had great respect for Plough. He offered Plough a chance to avoid the battle by fleeing to another kingdom and continuing his rule elsewhere. Plough angrily protested that he knew his limitations, and that he was incapable of ruling any land other than Ye Little Points of Five.
PLOUGH: “This fucking piss-ant kingdom, with its hippies and its graffiti, is MY fucking piss-ant kingdom!”
Francis paid a visit to Nort, seeking advice on parenting. Francis explained that his son, the reborn Magic Jones, was the embodiment of all evil, and Francis was concerned that he had failed as a parent. Nort replied that he had a lot of experience in this field: in his travels, he had fathered 62 children, and he loved every one of them (even if he couldn’t remember all their names). Nort explained what being a father was all about:
NORT: “It’s not about being there…it’s about being there AFTER the fact, so you can tell them what they did wrong.”
Eileve was gathering firewood when Magic Jones materialized beside him. Eileve asked his son why he had gone down the path of evil…but then he admitted that he respected Jones for choosing his own path and not simply following in his shadow.
EILEVE: “Whatever happens, know that I love you.”
JONES: “And whatever happens to you, know that I warned you.”
Baron Üterrüs was stocking the shelves at Linens Und Thïngs when Chambliss Tucker entered. The Baron was shocked to see her alive again, and told her how much he had missed her. (“The fact that I killed you does not diminish how sad I was!”) He explained that she was the one good thing in his life, the one thing that might make him turn away from evil. Chambliss replied that she couldn’t be with him because she needed a man who was already good. Üterrüs warned her that, by rejecting him, she had doomed the entire world.
King Plough, Francis, Eileve and Nort were girding their loins for battle. (“Most of the time, evil goes for the loins.”) Plough provided Eileve with a pie-plate to protect his loin area, but he didn’t have one for Nort. Eileve offered to shield Nort’s area with his hand. In preparation for the battle, King Plough removed his crown. (“I only take this crown off for two reasons…making love and kicking ass. And I’m ready to kick some ass.”)
Watching the heroes through their crystal ball, Magic Jones and Baron Üterrüs mocked their pie-plate loin-guards. Üterrüs declared that he would eat those pie-plates…in a cannibalistic sense, nothing gay. The Baron then showed Jones a surprise…he unlocked a chamber and revealed Chambliss Tucker chained to the wall. Üterrüs explained that he had harnessed Chambliss to his secret weapon, the Destroyanator. Suddenly, Chambliss announced that she needed to pee. Üterrüs obligingly released her and let her find her own way to the bathroom.
King Plough and Francis were standing guard outside the castle. Francis informed Plough that he was armed with the most powerful weapon ever devised by the Rock People. (“A weapon so powerful, it can kill…things that are slightly less powerful.”)
Eileve and Nort were attacked by a giant purple worm. Nort froze, but then remembered King Plough’s advice and bit his tongue. Driven into a berserker frenzy by the taste of blood, Nort rushed into the fray and lay a savage beatdown on the worm. Nort and the worm disappeared from view. When all was quiet, Eileve was dismayed by Nort’s failure to return.
Chambliss had locked herself in a tower to escape Üterrüs’ clutches. Üterrüs pounded on the door and demanded that she come out. Chambliss offered to marry him if he’d call off the war. Üterrüs accepted her offer.
Francis of the Rock People saw Magic Jones approaching, riding on the back of an orc. As the father and son faced off, Jones’ orc attacked, but Francis quickly stabbed it and returned to his discussion with Jones. Jones acknowledged that he had been a bad son. Suddenly, the orc attacked again, and Francis clobbered it yet again. Jones and Francis drew their weapons for a final duel; Jones removed the crystal ball from his staff, and Francis pulled out a rock (“the most powerful weapon my people have”).
King Plough was in the midst of battle when Eileve rushed up and informed him that Nort had been slain fighting the giant worm. Eileve cried over his failure to protect Nort, but Plough assured him that he was not to blame. Plough presented Eileve with a golden dagger (“a sword to match your stature”) to fight the enemy. Suddenly, an orc attacked, and Eileve killed it.
Chambliss Tucker and Baron Üterrüs were going over the terms of their prenatal (or prenuptial) agreement. Üterrüs offered to make his proposal official by giving her a ring…four rings, in fact. To be more specific, four shackles to chain her to the wall. Üterrüs explained that he had been attracted to her due to her resemblance to his lost love Ilsabetta, but he could no longer put up with Chambliss’ irritating manner. Chambliss taunted the Baron by mocking his obsession with Ilsabetta. These insults so enraged Üterrüs that he prepared to activate the Destroyanator.
As Francis hurled his rock, Magic Jones’ orc rose up once again and got right in its path. The rock went through the orc’s skull and struck Magic Jones in the head. However, the orc’s interference had slowed the rock down so that it only gave Jones a shiner. Suddenly, Eileve rushed in and stabbed Jones, but in the course of the struggle, the blade went through Jones and into Eileve’s own body. Francis knelt down beside Eileve and pleaded with him to live. Amazingly, Eileve stood up, explaining that he had cast a spell of protection on himself beforehand, so he was all right. Francis and Eileve declared their love for each other.
King Plough was rushing towards the Evil Fortress of Lost Souls when the bloodied, battered Duke Nort suddenly staggered onto the battlefield. Nort explained that the worm had swallowed him, but he managed to survive, and slew the worm after he came out the other end. Plough and Nort entered the Fortress. As they cautiously made their way through, Baron Üterrüs lurked in the background, finally revealing himself by firing a poison arrow at Nort’s ass. King Plough prepared to suck out the poison.
Eileve and Francis prepared a funeral pyre for Magic Jones, and lamented their failure to raise their son well. They resolved to raise their next child properly…and promised to try conceiving as often as possible.
Baron Üterrüs and Chambliss Tucker (still chained in the Destroyanator) were getting some marital counseling from the ghost of Magic Jones. Jones suggested that they should go on vacation together and get away from it all. The Baron offered Chambliss one last chance to save her own life by coming with him. When she rejected him once more, he pulled the lever to activate the Destroyanator. Suddenly, King Plough and Duke Nort burst in. Plough reversed the lever, but Üterrüs laughed that the machine could only be stopped by destroying its creator. Plough saw Chambliss chained to the device…and nothing makes him angry like seeing a damsel in distress. As Eileve and Francis rushed in, Plough and Üterrüs began a mighty swordfight, which ended with Plough knocking the Dual Sword of Destiny from Üterrüs’ grasp. Nort seized the sword and lunged at the Baron, but accidentally stabbed King Plough instead. As Üterrüs gloated over Plough’s mortal wound, Nort raised the sword once more and slashed Üterrüs’ throat. As he collapsed, Üterrüs thanked Nort for freeing him from his endless unliving existence, but warned him that “evil never dies.” Chambliss proved him wrong by stabbing him in the ass. With Baron Üterrüs finally vanquished, everybody turned their attention to the dying King Plough. As Eileve knelt beside Plough, the King told his grandson that he must now inherit Plough’s throne, crown, and most importantly, his mustache. After peeling off his mustache and passing it to Eileve, Plough declared “I can see the unicorns coming for me!” With that, the King died.
CHAMBLISS: “The room just got so cold!”
KING EILEVE: “I’ve got a good feeling things are going to get warmer.”
THE END
King Plough and Duke Nort were preparing for the upcoming battle with the forces of evil. Nort was afraid that he would freeze up when the battle began, but Plough offered him a tip to ease his combat anxiety: Imagine the enemy naked. He also urged Nort to bite his tongue and taste his own blood in order to draw on his hidden powers as a berserker. Plough explained that he had looked in the Annals of Nort (“It’s a book, don’t worry”) and learned that Nort had an ancestor who was a legendary berserker.
In modern-day Smyrna, Chambliss Tucker was buying a Propel bottled water and a Slushee at the 7-11, when a rip in the space-time continuum opened up and sucked her in.
Magic Jones was putting the finishing touches on his new headquarters, the Evil Fortress of Lost Souls. Baron Üterrüs entered, disappointed that Jones wasn’t satisfied with their old evil headquarters atop Skank Mountain. Üterrüs was also concerned about Jones’ plans to divide up the conquered world, as Jones had laid claim to some of the areas Üterrüs wanted. The Baron pondered the irony: He had always wanted Jones to join him in his evil, but now he could not trust him. Magic Jones persuaded Üterrüs to trust him by singing a ragtime tune.
Francis of the Rock People and Eileve were in the forest, discussing the impending conflict. Suddenly, Chambliss Tucker fell through a rip in the space-time continuum and landed at their feet. Francis and Eileve were amazed to see Chambliss back from the dead. She explained that when she died in this realm, she simply reappeared at her home in Smyrna.
FRANCIS: “This ‘Smyrna’…is it Heaven?”
CHAMBLISS: “It’s as close to heaven as you can get in the state of Georgia!”
King Plough and Baron Üterrüs met on neutral ground. Üterrüs explained that, although they were on opposite sides, he still had great respect for Plough. He offered Plough a chance to avoid the battle by fleeing to another kingdom and continuing his rule elsewhere. Plough angrily protested that he knew his limitations, and that he was incapable of ruling any land other than Ye Little Points of Five.
PLOUGH: “This fucking piss-ant kingdom, with its hippies and its graffiti, is MY fucking piss-ant kingdom!”
Francis paid a visit to Nort, seeking advice on parenting. Francis explained that his son, the reborn Magic Jones, was the embodiment of all evil, and Francis was concerned that he had failed as a parent. Nort replied that he had a lot of experience in this field: in his travels, he had fathered 62 children, and he loved every one of them (even if he couldn’t remember all their names). Nort explained what being a father was all about:
NORT: “It’s not about being there…it’s about being there AFTER the fact, so you can tell them what they did wrong.”
Eileve was gathering firewood when Magic Jones materialized beside him. Eileve asked his son why he had gone down the path of evil…but then he admitted that he respected Jones for choosing his own path and not simply following in his shadow.
EILEVE: “Whatever happens, know that I love you.”
JONES: “And whatever happens to you, know that I warned you.”
Baron Üterrüs was stocking the shelves at Linens Und Thïngs when Chambliss Tucker entered. The Baron was shocked to see her alive again, and told her how much he had missed her. (“The fact that I killed you does not diminish how sad I was!”) He explained that she was the one good thing in his life, the one thing that might make him turn away from evil. Chambliss replied that she couldn’t be with him because she needed a man who was already good. Üterrüs warned her that, by rejecting him, she had doomed the entire world.
King Plough, Francis, Eileve and Nort were girding their loins for battle. (“Most of the time, evil goes for the loins.”) Plough provided Eileve with a pie-plate to protect his loin area, but he didn’t have one for Nort. Eileve offered to shield Nort’s area with his hand. In preparation for the battle, King Plough removed his crown. (“I only take this crown off for two reasons…making love and kicking ass. And I’m ready to kick some ass.”)
Watching the heroes through their crystal ball, Magic Jones and Baron Üterrüs mocked their pie-plate loin-guards. Üterrüs declared that he would eat those pie-plates…in a cannibalistic sense, nothing gay. The Baron then showed Jones a surprise…he unlocked a chamber and revealed Chambliss Tucker chained to the wall. Üterrüs explained that he had harnessed Chambliss to his secret weapon, the Destroyanator. Suddenly, Chambliss announced that she needed to pee. Üterrüs obligingly released her and let her find her own way to the bathroom.
King Plough and Francis were standing guard outside the castle. Francis informed Plough that he was armed with the most powerful weapon ever devised by the Rock People. (“A weapon so powerful, it can kill…things that are slightly less powerful.”)
Eileve and Nort were attacked by a giant purple worm. Nort froze, but then remembered King Plough’s advice and bit his tongue. Driven into a berserker frenzy by the taste of blood, Nort rushed into the fray and lay a savage beatdown on the worm. Nort and the worm disappeared from view. When all was quiet, Eileve was dismayed by Nort’s failure to return.
Chambliss had locked herself in a tower to escape Üterrüs’ clutches. Üterrüs pounded on the door and demanded that she come out. Chambliss offered to marry him if he’d call off the war. Üterrüs accepted her offer.
Francis of the Rock People saw Magic Jones approaching, riding on the back of an orc. As the father and son faced off, Jones’ orc attacked, but Francis quickly stabbed it and returned to his discussion with Jones. Jones acknowledged that he had been a bad son. Suddenly, the orc attacked again, and Francis clobbered it yet again. Jones and Francis drew their weapons for a final duel; Jones removed the crystal ball from his staff, and Francis pulled out a rock (“the most powerful weapon my people have”).
King Plough was in the midst of battle when Eileve rushed up and informed him that Nort had been slain fighting the giant worm. Eileve cried over his failure to protect Nort, but Plough assured him that he was not to blame. Plough presented Eileve with a golden dagger (“a sword to match your stature”) to fight the enemy. Suddenly, an orc attacked, and Eileve killed it.
Chambliss Tucker and Baron Üterrüs were going over the terms of their prenatal (or prenuptial) agreement. Üterrüs offered to make his proposal official by giving her a ring…four rings, in fact. To be more specific, four shackles to chain her to the wall. Üterrüs explained that he had been attracted to her due to her resemblance to his lost love Ilsabetta, but he could no longer put up with Chambliss’ irritating manner. Chambliss taunted the Baron by mocking his obsession with Ilsabetta. These insults so enraged Üterrüs that he prepared to activate the Destroyanator.
As Francis hurled his rock, Magic Jones’ orc rose up once again and got right in its path. The rock went through the orc’s skull and struck Magic Jones in the head. However, the orc’s interference had slowed the rock down so that it only gave Jones a shiner. Suddenly, Eileve rushed in and stabbed Jones, but in the course of the struggle, the blade went through Jones and into Eileve’s own body. Francis knelt down beside Eileve and pleaded with him to live. Amazingly, Eileve stood up, explaining that he had cast a spell of protection on himself beforehand, so he was all right. Francis and Eileve declared their love for each other.
King Plough was rushing towards the Evil Fortress of Lost Souls when the bloodied, battered Duke Nort suddenly staggered onto the battlefield. Nort explained that the worm had swallowed him, but he managed to survive, and slew the worm after he came out the other end. Plough and Nort entered the Fortress. As they cautiously made their way through, Baron Üterrüs lurked in the background, finally revealing himself by firing a poison arrow at Nort’s ass. King Plough prepared to suck out the poison.
Eileve and Francis prepared a funeral pyre for Magic Jones, and lamented their failure to raise their son well. They resolved to raise their next child properly…and promised to try conceiving as often as possible.
Baron Üterrüs and Chambliss Tucker (still chained in the Destroyanator) were getting some marital counseling from the ghost of Magic Jones. Jones suggested that they should go on vacation together and get away from it all. The Baron offered Chambliss one last chance to save her own life by coming with him. When she rejected him once more, he pulled the lever to activate the Destroyanator. Suddenly, King Plough and Duke Nort burst in. Plough reversed the lever, but Üterrüs laughed that the machine could only be stopped by destroying its creator. Plough saw Chambliss chained to the device…and nothing makes him angry like seeing a damsel in distress. As Eileve and Francis rushed in, Plough and Üterrüs began a mighty swordfight, which ended with Plough knocking the Dual Sword of Destiny from Üterrüs’ grasp. Nort seized the sword and lunged at the Baron, but accidentally stabbed King Plough instead. As Üterrüs gloated over Plough’s mortal wound, Nort raised the sword once more and slashed Üterrüs’ throat. As he collapsed, Üterrüs thanked Nort for freeing him from his endless unliving existence, but warned him that “evil never dies.” Chambliss proved him wrong by stabbing him in the ass. With Baron Üterrüs finally vanquished, everybody turned their attention to the dying King Plough. As Eileve knelt beside Plough, the King told his grandson that he must now inherit Plough’s throne, crown, and most importantly, his mustache. After peeling off his mustache and passing it to Eileve, Plough declared “I can see the unicorns coming for me!” With that, the King died.
CHAMBLISS: “The room just got so cold!”
KING EILEVE: “I’ve got a good feeling things are going to get warmer.”
THE END
Thursday, January 15, 2009
Season 6, Episode 21: The St. Valentine's Day Massacre
Episode 21: The St. Valentine’s Day Massacre
Francis of the Rock People was in his cave, admiring the new mechanical hand that Aquilius had fitted to his arm. The peasant Nort entered carrying the legendary magical book, the Negronomicon. Nort believe that the book held the solution to the problem of what to do with Eileve’s baby. They realized that they should both be by Eileve’s side at this crucial time, and rushed off.
Baron Üterrüs was admiring himself in the Magic Mirror. He told the Mirror that he no longer needed it to foresee the future…he KNEW that he was destined to conquer Ye Little Points of Five. However, he did have one question (which he asked in a song): What could he conquer next? The Mirror answered in an ’80s power ballad.
Aquilius, the scantily-clad King of the Sea, was admiring his physique when King Plough rushed in, demanding hot water to help deliver Eileve’s baby. Before he complied, Aquilius had a surprise for him…he had completed the mechanical arm King Plough had requested. Aquilius boasted that he had to go to the land of the Fleugelflegehibben and slay three enchanted beasts to gather the materials for it. Suddenly, he noticed that King Plough’s own arm had been reattached, so all his work had been for nothing. Plough apologized for not telling him about his arm’s restoration, and thanked Aquilius for his hard, if unnecessary, work. Plough remembered that he had come to get help for Eileve. Aquilius grabbed his magical hammer to assist with the delivery.
Alone and in labor, Eileve gave a heartfelt monologue in which he remembered his own birth, just 8 weeks ago. He realized that he couldn’t sacrifice his child to defeat Baron Üterrüs, because the principles of family and love were more important than the fate of the kingdom. Francis and Nort rushed in, followed shortly by King Plough and Aquilius. Nort read a spell to ease the delivery, while Aquilius prepared to force the baby out with his hammer. The lights went down as Aquilius struck his blow, and when the lights came back up, the child had emerged…a fully-grown Magic Jones, reborn!
Baron Üterrüs was plotting atop Skank Mountain, boasting that the only man who could have defeated him, Magic Jones, was now dead. Suddenly, Magic Jones materialized at his side. Jones informed Üterrüs that he had been reborn from a man…a loophole in the prophecy that no man born of woman could defeat the Baron. Jones surprised the Baron by asking to join him in his conquest. Together, they could remake the world into BaronÜterrüsLand.
Aquilius and the Magic Mirror set out to apologize to the Fluegelflegehibben. The Mirror sensed that Aquilius had more on his mind, and Aquilius explained that his he was grieving for his daughter Guinevere, who had been murdered by Baron Üterrüs. Aquilius announced that he was fed up with all the elaborate plots involving magic books and pregnant men, and that somebody should just go ahead and kill Üterrüs. Aquilius broke down in tears, and the Mirror comforted him.
King Plough was admiring the weapons in his armory. He wondered why, when he had such an assortment of arms, he carried such a short sword. (“Am I trying to under-compensate for something?”) Nort came in, begging for change. Plough told Nort that such panhandling was beneath him, and that he had the potential for greatness inside him. To help Nort better himself, the King made him a Duke.
Eileve and Francis were trying to adjust to life as new parents. Eileve was concerned about Magic Jones’ rushing off immediately after his rebirth, not to mention the fact that he now dressed all in black. Eileve worried that their son was rebelling already. Magic Jones arrived, and Eileve suddenly noticed that the crystal ball in Jones’ staff still contained a vision of the conquered BaronÜterrüsLand. Jones realized that his secret was out, and that he would now have to kill his parents to protect it. As Jones grasped Eileve’s neck, Francis punched Jones in the face.
Baron Üterrüs was tending his store when Aquilius arrived. He declared that he was going to destroy the Dual Sword of Destiny with the same hammer with which it was forged…the Sacred Hammer of Ghalegaar. Üterrüs and Aquilius engaged in a fierce slow-motion battle, which ended when Üterrüs smashed Aquilius’ back over his knee. The mortally injured Aquilius uttered one last enchantment to send his hammer to King Plough’s hands, before Üterrüs killed him with his “soul kiss.”
Magic Jones visited the Magic Mirror, which had been his friend ever since Jones’ first childhood, when all the other young wizards shunned Jones for his bad complexion. The Mirror remembered his own prior existence, when a witch cursed him and transformed him into a mirror. Jones assured the Mirror that he could return to his old self simply by shedding his frame. Puzzled, the Mirror lowered his frame, revealing a man in a hooded sweatshirt behind it. Jones explained that he had restored the Mirror’s humanity as one last favor before he killed him. The Mirror pleaded for his life, and Jones took pity and offered him a chance to run away. The Mirror ran away.
Duke Nort was singing about his good fortune when Eileve walked by. Nort lamented that he didn’t know what to do now that he was no longer a bum. Eileve assured Nort that he was never a bum; he always had strength & goodness inside, but was held back by his own lack of confidence. Eileve realized that he himself was also being held back by his obsession with living up to his late father Kalgon…he had even been wearing Kalgon’s hair as a wig. Eileve shed Kalgon’s wig and vest. As Eileve disrobed, Nort started sticking shekels down his shorts.
Francis was alone in his cave when the former Magic Mirror rushed in. The Mirror explained that Jones had gone over to the dark side and joined Baron Üterrüs. Although he was no longer a mirror, the Mirror still had his gifts of foresight, and planned to use them against the Baron. Francis assured the Mirror that he would fight by his side.
At Linens Und Thïngs, Baron Üterrüs had just ripped off Aquilius’ head when King Plough burst in with the Hammer of Ghalegaar. Suddenly, Aquilius’ penis began speaking from underneath his loincloth. Aquilius’ penis told Plough that he had no chance by himself, but could only defeat Üterrüs by gathering the Army of Four. Disgusted by the spectacle, the Baron cut off Aquilius’ penis. In honor of its memory, Plough promised to rename the Army of Four the Army of Foreskin. As King Plough rushed out, Francis and the former Mirror ran in. Üterrüs informed the Mirror that he no longer needed it, since Magic Jones was now giving him all his advice and plans. The Mirror asked Üterrüs to think of his love, Chambliss Tucker. The Mirror explained that, although Chambliss may be gone, her goodness still existed in the world…but it wouldn’t if Magic Jones had his way. Üterrüs suddenly realized that Magic Jones was using him.
TO BE CONTINUED…
Francis of the Rock People was in his cave, admiring the new mechanical hand that Aquilius had fitted to his arm. The peasant Nort entered carrying the legendary magical book, the Negronomicon. Nort believe that the book held the solution to the problem of what to do with Eileve’s baby. They realized that they should both be by Eileve’s side at this crucial time, and rushed off.
Baron Üterrüs was admiring himself in the Magic Mirror. He told the Mirror that he no longer needed it to foresee the future…he KNEW that he was destined to conquer Ye Little Points of Five. However, he did have one question (which he asked in a song): What could he conquer next? The Mirror answered in an ’80s power ballad.
Aquilius, the scantily-clad King of the Sea, was admiring his physique when King Plough rushed in, demanding hot water to help deliver Eileve’s baby. Before he complied, Aquilius had a surprise for him…he had completed the mechanical arm King Plough had requested. Aquilius boasted that he had to go to the land of the Fleugelflegehibben and slay three enchanted beasts to gather the materials for it. Suddenly, he noticed that King Plough’s own arm had been reattached, so all his work had been for nothing. Plough apologized for not telling him about his arm’s restoration, and thanked Aquilius for his hard, if unnecessary, work. Plough remembered that he had come to get help for Eileve. Aquilius grabbed his magical hammer to assist with the delivery.
Alone and in labor, Eileve gave a heartfelt monologue in which he remembered his own birth, just 8 weeks ago. He realized that he couldn’t sacrifice his child to defeat Baron Üterrüs, because the principles of family and love were more important than the fate of the kingdom. Francis and Nort rushed in, followed shortly by King Plough and Aquilius. Nort read a spell to ease the delivery, while Aquilius prepared to force the baby out with his hammer. The lights went down as Aquilius struck his blow, and when the lights came back up, the child had emerged…a fully-grown Magic Jones, reborn!
Baron Üterrüs was plotting atop Skank Mountain, boasting that the only man who could have defeated him, Magic Jones, was now dead. Suddenly, Magic Jones materialized at his side. Jones informed Üterrüs that he had been reborn from a man…a loophole in the prophecy that no man born of woman could defeat the Baron. Jones surprised the Baron by asking to join him in his conquest. Together, they could remake the world into BaronÜterrüsLand.
Aquilius and the Magic Mirror set out to apologize to the Fluegelflegehibben. The Mirror sensed that Aquilius had more on his mind, and Aquilius explained that his he was grieving for his daughter Guinevere, who had been murdered by Baron Üterrüs. Aquilius announced that he was fed up with all the elaborate plots involving magic books and pregnant men, and that somebody should just go ahead and kill Üterrüs. Aquilius broke down in tears, and the Mirror comforted him.
King Plough was admiring the weapons in his armory. He wondered why, when he had such an assortment of arms, he carried such a short sword. (“Am I trying to under-compensate for something?”) Nort came in, begging for change. Plough told Nort that such panhandling was beneath him, and that he had the potential for greatness inside him. To help Nort better himself, the King made him a Duke.
Eileve and Francis were trying to adjust to life as new parents. Eileve was concerned about Magic Jones’ rushing off immediately after his rebirth, not to mention the fact that he now dressed all in black. Eileve worried that their son was rebelling already. Magic Jones arrived, and Eileve suddenly noticed that the crystal ball in Jones’ staff still contained a vision of the conquered BaronÜterrüsLand. Jones realized that his secret was out, and that he would now have to kill his parents to protect it. As Jones grasped Eileve’s neck, Francis punched Jones in the face.
Baron Üterrüs was tending his store when Aquilius arrived. He declared that he was going to destroy the Dual Sword of Destiny with the same hammer with which it was forged…the Sacred Hammer of Ghalegaar. Üterrüs and Aquilius engaged in a fierce slow-motion battle, which ended when Üterrüs smashed Aquilius’ back over his knee. The mortally injured Aquilius uttered one last enchantment to send his hammer to King Plough’s hands, before Üterrüs killed him with his “soul kiss.”
Magic Jones visited the Magic Mirror, which had been his friend ever since Jones’ first childhood, when all the other young wizards shunned Jones for his bad complexion. The Mirror remembered his own prior existence, when a witch cursed him and transformed him into a mirror. Jones assured the Mirror that he could return to his old self simply by shedding his frame. Puzzled, the Mirror lowered his frame, revealing a man in a hooded sweatshirt behind it. Jones explained that he had restored the Mirror’s humanity as one last favor before he killed him. The Mirror pleaded for his life, and Jones took pity and offered him a chance to run away. The Mirror ran away.
Duke Nort was singing about his good fortune when Eileve walked by. Nort lamented that he didn’t know what to do now that he was no longer a bum. Eileve assured Nort that he was never a bum; he always had strength & goodness inside, but was held back by his own lack of confidence. Eileve realized that he himself was also being held back by his obsession with living up to his late father Kalgon…he had even been wearing Kalgon’s hair as a wig. Eileve shed Kalgon’s wig and vest. As Eileve disrobed, Nort started sticking shekels down his shorts.
Francis was alone in his cave when the former Magic Mirror rushed in. The Mirror explained that Jones had gone over to the dark side and joined Baron Üterrüs. Although he was no longer a mirror, the Mirror still had his gifts of foresight, and planned to use them against the Baron. Francis assured the Mirror that he would fight by his side.
At Linens Und Thïngs, Baron Üterrüs had just ripped off Aquilius’ head when King Plough burst in with the Hammer of Ghalegaar. Suddenly, Aquilius’ penis began speaking from underneath his loincloth. Aquilius’ penis told Plough that he had no chance by himself, but could only defeat Üterrüs by gathering the Army of Four. Disgusted by the spectacle, the Baron cut off Aquilius’ penis. In honor of its memory, Plough promised to rename the Army of Four the Army of Foreskin. As King Plough rushed out, Francis and the former Mirror ran in. Üterrüs informed the Mirror that he no longer needed it, since Magic Jones was now giving him all his advice and plans. The Mirror asked Üterrüs to think of his love, Chambliss Tucker. The Mirror explained that, although Chambliss may be gone, her goodness still existed in the world…but it wouldn’t if Magic Jones had his way. Üterrüs suddenly realized that Magic Jones was using him.
TO BE CONTINUED…
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