Season 12, Episode 14: Full House/Two Pair

And now, the final episode of Season 12...and since I started off this archive with Season 13, we are now all caught up with the past SCANDAL! summaries. Season 14 begins in May, so I'll return with the new synopses then. See you at Dad's Garage!

Episode 14: Full House/Two Pair

In the great room, Bixie Biederback was preparing to announce which of the contestants had won Iceland, when producer Vivian LaDouche burst in with an announcement. The network had been bought by Spike TV, and to conform to Spike standards, they would need to have 42 nut-kicks, 20 sexual encounters, and 10 fires before the end of the show…so get cracking. This would have to be the most outrageous episode ever, or they were all finished. Poncey Highland responded by kicking Vivian in the crotch. (“41 more!”)

Cameraman Lance Belligui was filming Miller at work at Hello Pizza Kitty, discussing Vivian’s new demands. Lance assured Miller that he didn’t have anything to worry about…all Miller had to do is get high, and outrageous stuff is bound to happen.

Dorothy was doing some spring cleaning in her trash can when Poncey came by. She explained that she wasn’t worried about satisfying Vivian and winning the prize, since she could get along just fine without Iceland. Poncey pointed out that Iceland has magical powers, but she responded that she had powers of her own, and demonstrated by wishing her umbrella to come to her. Poncey asked if she could grant his wish of getting his pet-grooming salon back, and she told him that the power was within himself.

In her office, Bixie was arguing with Vivian about his interference with the show, but Vivian was too busy talking with the Spike executives on his cell phone. After finishing the call, Vivian let her in on his big secret: He never intended to give away Iceland at all; instead, he planned a REAL big finish. When all the contestants are gathered in the sauna for the “announcement,” they’ll be gassed to death…a sure-fire ratings-grabber. When Bixie objected, he knocked her out and stole her glasses.

Miller and Dorothy were up on the roof, discussing their plans for the future. Miller figured that, once the show was over, he could go back to medical school, perhaps in Iceland…and he’d be happy to let her live in the dumpster behind his dorm. Touched by his offer, Dorothy offered him a can of chicken in gravy.

Wandering blindly through the halls, Bixie ran into Poncey. She told him about Vivian’s plans to kill everybody, and he angrily blamed her for leading them to this situation. After calming down, Poncey agreed to guide Bixie to her office. As she walked off in the direction Poncey had pointed her, ominous music played…

Vivian and Lance were in the editing room, going over the footage of Poncey kicking Vivian in the nuts. Just then, they got a phone call from Bob Saget, offering to do funny voice-overs for the nut-kick scene. (“Hang up, he’s tracing the call!”) Vivian then informed Lance that he was planning an ice-cream party in the sauna; he asked Lance to bring the ice-cream…and some 30-weight iron chains to wrap around the doors.

Miller went to Poncey’s room to forge an alliance, and discovered Bixie trapped underneath Poncey’s bed. Poncey told Miller that he’d learned something very important about Bixie. Trying to guess what the secret could be, Miller asked “Bixie, do you have a penis?” She answered “Yes”…she’d been a man all along, but nobody had ever bothered to ask.

Dorothy was in the kitchen when Lance entered. Dorothy confronted him for breaking her heart…she appreciated that he killed his wife for her, but was upset that he hadn’t given her a ring. He told her that he wanted to her to settle down with his family in Iceland, but he needed money to make that happen. She revealed that she had plenty of money saved up, but she never mentioned it because she didn’t want him to love her for her millions. With his financial future secured, Lance proposed…and she accepted.

Vivian LaDouche was up on the roof, talking on the phone with the other network executives about his plans for the finale. Just then, he got another call, which turned out to be…Bob Saget. (“You can’t escape me, LaDouche. Saget knows everything!”) Vivian hung up and returned to his bosses, only to be interrupted by yet another call. (“Saget, you’re fucking dead! Oh, sorry, Mom.”)

In the confession booth, Poncey told Lance that he was having strange feelings now that he’d learned something surprising about Bixie. Before Poncey could explain that Bixie was really a man, the confused Lance attempted to clarify how Poncey should feel by comparing Poncey and Bixie to bears. When that metaphor failed, Lance suggested using monkeys instead.

Dorothy ran into Bixie and gave her the good news about her engagement, explaining that she and Lance were going to be wed in the sauna room. Bixie warned her to stay away from the sauna, explaining all about Vivian’s plan to kill everybody. Bixie offered to stay behind and sacrifice herself to give Dorothy and Lance a chance to escape (“I’ve got nothing to live for anyway”). Dorothy announced that nobody was going to die today. (“I fought in the Korean War, motherfucker!”) Nevertheless, just in case they never saw each other again, Bixie had a farewell gift for Dorothy. With that, Bixie reached into her blouse and pulled out one of her fake boobs. (Dorothy: “Well, I certainly need these!”)

Miller went to Vivian’s office and offered to forge an alliance with him. Vivian agreed (“I’m sure the alliance of an idiotic dopehead will make all the difference”), then instructed Miller how to fulfill his end of the alliance. When everyone is gathered in the sauna, Vivian will announce that Miller is the winner, which will be Miller’s cue to let Vivian out, then bar the door so the other contestants will be a captive audience for Miller’s gloating. They toasted their partnership, with Miller drinking his bongwater.

Bixie ran down to the basement and informed Lance that she’d chartered a bus for him to escape with Dorothy. Lance replied that he would have to check with Dorothy before changing their wedding plans, but Bixie told him to make a decision for himself. She then reached into her blouse and pulled out her other boob.

BIXIE: “Let it give you strength.”
LANCE: “I’ll give it to Dorothy, she really needs it!”

Poncey was relaxing in the hot tub when Dorothy suddenly surfaced, showing off her new breasts. She asked Poncey to plan her wedding, and he replied that he’d do better than that…he’s actually an ordained minister, and would perform the wedding for her. Poncey told her how happy he was for her, though he confessed being sad that he didn’t have anyone for himself. Dorothy replied that God had brought them all together in the same house for a reason…then they broke into a chorus of “Somewhere Out There.”

In his bedroom, Miller was attempting to forge an alliance with himself, but soon found that his stoner misunderstandings made it impossible for anybody to talk to Miller (even Miller himself).

Poncey ran into Bixie’s office, only to find Vivian LaDouche. Vivian was surprised to see a gay man carrying a Bible (“Shouldn’t that be burning you like acid?”). Brushing aside the homophobic comment, Poncey declared that he needed to tell Bixie that he loves him. Vivian was startled to hear Poncey refer to Bixie as “him,” especially since Vivian had slept with Bixie. Just then, the phone rang…it was Bob Saget, telling Vivian that he was watching them right now.

Dorothy and Lance were in the chapel, preparing their vows. He promised to be a good husband, saying that he knew she would love his kids. Dorothy sensed that Lance knew about some kind of danger; remembering Bixie’s escape plan, Lance insisted that they leave right now. Dorothy still had her heart set on getting married in the sauna, but said she might reconsider if Lance gave her a kiss. After some hesitation, Lance gave her a quick little kiss. (“Well, that was very unfulfilling for the audience.”)

Preparing for his trip to Iceland, Miller was packing his bong when Bixie ran in. Bixie attempted to warn him about Vivian’s plan to kill everybody, but Miller kept interrupting with amazed comments about Bixie being a man. Fed up, Bixie told him to go ahead and go to the sauna.

Vivian LaDouche was outside in the hedge maze, trying to escape the surveillance of Bob Saget. Vivian boasted to Saget that he would pull off the biggest stunt ever, and then Saget would see who was the king of reality TV. In response, Bob Saget put Dave Coulier on the line.

By the pool, Poncey and Bixie were discussing the upcoming wedding. Bixie suggested that they accept their true feelings for one another, and make it a double wedding.

BIXIE: “Why did it take us so long? Did it really matter what my gender is?”
PONCEY: “Yes.”

Soon afterwards, everybody was gathered in the sauna for the ceremony. Vivian announced that the winner of Iceland was…everybody! Bixie warned them that he was lying, but Vivian asked if they were going to believe a person who’d lied to everybody about his gender. Poncey went ahead with the ceremony, pronouncing Lance and Dorothy man and wife. After Lance and Dorothy kissed, Poncey married himself to Bixie. As everybody was rejoicing, Miller let Vivian out and then chained the doors shut. Realizing that Vivian’s plan was actually happening, everybody started panicking. Dorothy restored order by announcing that she hadn’t been totally honest with everyone. Dorothy then removed her wig, revealing herself as…Bob Saget!

Saget explained that he had warned Dorothy about Vivian’s plan, and had switched places with her before the ceremony. The real Dorothy was safe outside the house. As the poison gas began to come through the vents, Saget instructed everyone to use their unique talents to save the day. Saget destroyed the lock by making fart noises; Poncey and Miller used their expertise in sucking on things to siphon off the gas; Lance filmed the operation; and Bixie used his power of telephoning the police. Once they were saved, they climbed up on the roof to face Vivian LaDouche. Vivian warned them that he still had one vial of poison gas left and would kill them all. Poncey threw his Bible at Vivian, knocking the vial into Vivian’s mouth and causing him to swallow it. With Vivian dead and everybody else safe, the housemates hailed Bob Saget as a hero. Saget told them that Dorothy would be rejoining them shortly, but he was needed elsewhere. (“Wherever there’s trouble, Bob Saget will be there.”) With that, Bob Saget flew off into the sky.

THE END