Episode 12: The Jumping-the-Shark Hawaii Episode
Five lucky students (accompanied by Mr. Huggins and Ms. Munsen-Meyer) were chosen for an exchange program with Little Five Volcanoes High in Hawaii. They were greeted by the L5V student council president, Leilotti. Ms. Munsen-Meyer cautioned the students to be on their best behavior, warning them that sharks are attracted to the scent of sex.
Ms. Munsen-Meyer stopped by the office of L5V principal Lou Wana’a’a’a to discuss the students’ itinerary. Suddenly, a rainstorm broke out, threatening to strand everybody indoors for the entire trip.
Leilotti introduced herself to Owen Tasker, explaining that she was the school’s most popular, wealthiest, and bustiest student. Realizing that Leilotti was a Hawaiian mirror-image of Sterling, Owen was immediately attracted. Leilotti continued by confessing that her boyfriend broke up with her because she was saving her virginity, and Owen lost interest. She mentioned that she was reconsidering; Owen regained interest.
Sterling Schremerhorn and Gwendolyn Pinchot met their new Hawaiian teacher, the bare-chested, face-painted houngan Maui Zartan.
Dustin Pollack was walking along the side of the volcano when he ran into Miller, who had made his own way to Hawaii by becoming the new mascot for Little Five Volcanoes High. Miller angrily asked how Dustin managed to beat him out of the Hawaii civics competition, and Dustin gave a demonstration of his dance moves.
“Joe Luderman” (a.k.a. Glenn Wilfong, the evil German music teacher) and Mr. Huggins were out walking on the beach. Huggins marveled at the majesty and beauty of Hawaii, remarking that it made his own existence feel small and pathetic. “Joe” pointed out that Huggins’ existence WAS small and pathetic. Huggins resolved to change that immediately.
At the local hangout, The Harbor Pearl, Gwen was cleaning up out of habit. Principal Wana’a’a’a stopped in and urged her to go out and experience the wonders of Hawaii: sushi, sake, and karaoke. He sang the Hawaiian Bender Song.
In his secret cave lair under the volcano, Maui Zartan devised a plan to turn the students into müles for his drüg-rünning operation. He called in his servant Leilotti and gave her “fourteen munites” to put all of the visitors under her spell. A montage followed Leilotti as she seduced and/or charmed all the students, depending on their genders and orientations.
Mr. Huggins and Ms. Munsen-Meyer were relaxing in the lounge. They realized that they had no idea where the kids were…but the spirit of Hawaii kept them from worrying about it.
Hungover from his bender, Principal Wana’a’a’a asked Leilotti where the other students were. She replied that her wealthy father had invited them on a sandcastle-building excursion to the neighboring island, Honokuku.
Maui Zartan gloated over his captives in his cave, ordering them to chain themselves to the wall. Zartan tortured them by tossing sushi into their mouths, and “Joe” began critiquing his torture techniques. To demonstrate the proper procedure, “Joe” switched places with Zartan, then stabbed him. However, Zartan’s magic prevented the blade from piercing his skin (though he remarked that it would leave a nasty bruise). Suddenly, Zartan recognized “Joe” as the undercover cop who’d been plaguing his operation.
In the hotel lounge, Huggins and Munsen-Meyer were enjoying a show by Don Ho. Suddenly, Principal Wana’a’a’a burst in with the news that the students were missing. Sensing a disturbance in the Hawaiian Force, Don Ho agreed to put aside his differences with Wana’a’a’a and help find them.
Searching alongside the side of the volcano, Miller noticed a single set of footprints: his own. Realizing that he’d been going in a circle, Miller began to despair when he heard the voice of Jesus explaining that those footprints were from when He was carrying Miller. Miller suddenly noticed a trail of white objects leading to the cave.
Trapped in a cell with Owen, Sterling explained that she’d left a Hansel-and-Gretel trail of her tampons, so hopefully somebody would rescue them soon. Fearing that they wouldn’t make it out alive, Owen had two confessions for Sterling: (1) He loves her, and (2) he killed Lewis von Kemia. Sterling was stunned, as she thought that SHE had killed Lewis. Owen explained that, while Sterling did run him over with the driver’s-ed car, he actually finished Lewis off in the hospital.
Left alone with “Joe,” Zartan revealed that he’d seen through the “Joe Luderman” disguise and recognized his old cohort Glenn Wilfong. They reminisced about their past capers, flashing back to the time Zartan got a snakebite on his penis and Wilfong had to suck out the poison. Back in the present, Wilfong agreed to help Zartan with his drug-smuggling plan, on the condition that Zartan leave Gwen out of it. Zartan refused, saying that he’d chosen Gwen for his personal slave.
On the beach, Munsen-Meyer invited Huggins to experiment with heterosexuality.
Miller burst into one of the underground caves, where Gwen explained that they’d been captured by Maui Zartan. Miller recognized the name, and swore to settle the score.
Rushing to the rescue, Don Ho informed Principal Wana’a’a’a that the students could be saved by a sacrifice to the volcano god. As they discussed which of them would sacrifice themselves, a snake suddenly bit Don Ho on the crotch.
Torn between his commitment to evil and his love for Gwen, Wilfong sang a song about his miserable existence as an Adolf Hitler clone.
Maui Zartan brought Owen, Sterling, and Dustin to the edge of the molten volcano, trying to decide which of them to sacrifice. Owen settled the matter by throwing Dustin into the lava. Suddenly, Miller rushed in to the rescue, followed immediately by Gwen, Wana’a’a’a, Don Ho, and Leilotti. Distracted by Leilotti’s hotness, Miller forgot his mission of vengeance long enough for Zartan to activate a detonator, sending Miller plunging into the volcano. As Zartan gloated, Sterling grabbed his mystical staff and compelled Zartan to throw himself in as well.
NEXT WEEK: Sterling’s deep, dark secret.