Season 6, Episode 20: The Age of Aquilius

Episode 20: The Age of Aquilius

At the Slop Bucket, Eileve had an important revelation for King Plough. Eileve explained that, after he and Chambliss Tucker magically swapped genitals, Eileve became pregnant. What’s more, when Chambliss died, their parts switched back…so now, Eileve would have to deliver his baby through his penis. However, Eileve saw a solution. Using his magical powers, he could take the new life inside him and transfer it to someone unliving…in other words, they could change Baron Üterrüs from an undead lich into a living man, and then kill him. King Plough didn’t like the idea of sacrificing Eileve’s unborn child, even to defeat Üterrüs.

Francis of the Rock People was out in the forest when Friar Kack arrived with terrible news: the people of Kack Island had been wiped out by Baron Üterrüs. Kack pleaded with Francis to protect him…and also to set him up with a woman so that the Kack race could continue.

At Linens Und Thïngs, Baron Üterrüs was slashing prices for his End of Civilization Sale. He gloated about slaughtering the Kacks and stealing the mystical eye of the Dragon God, Püff DeMagik. The peasant Nort entered, and Üterrüs recognized him. Many years past, the Baron explained, he was passing through a village when he encountered a child with great powers of insight. Üterrüs then killed the child’s parents so that the tragedy would make his power even stronger. Using his powers, the vengeful Nort learned the only thing that could destroy the Baron was the legendary Book of Black Souls…the Negronomicon. Üterrüs laughed that no mortal could retrieve the book.

Searching through a cornfield, Eileve encountered the talking Magic Mirror. Eileve explained his dilemma, having to choose between his child’s life and saving the entire kingdom. The Mirror informed him that “The answer is within yourself.”

Francis encountered Tarquin the Gangly, who had degenerated into a rotting zombie after being stabbed by King Plough. Tarquin was puzzled by Francis’ horrified reaction, so Francis showed him a shiny shield so he could see his reflection. Aghast, Tarquin sought advice by contacting the spirit of his father, Magic Jones, but only got a spiritual answering machine.

King Plough was taking inventory of the castle’s weapons rack when he was visited by Aquilius, the barely-clad King of the Sea. Aquilius explained that his daughter Guinevere had come to the surface to retrieve the Dual Sword of Destiny, but when she failed to return, he left the sea to search for her. He found his daughter dead, and no sign of the sword. Plough and Aquilius agreed to join forces and find the sword. Aquilius vowed to destroy the sword with the very hammer he used to forge it. Hearing of Aquilius’ prowess as a smith, Plough asked him to forge a mechanical arm to replace his missing limb.

Walking down the street, Baron Üterrüs met the last remaining Friar Kack and casually killed him.

Nort and Tarquin ran into each other in the cornfield while searching for the Magic Mirror. Nort explained that he needed to go to the 10th level of Hades in order to find the Negronomicon. The Mirror told him that Hades was right in front of his face. Nort and Tarquin looked down and saw the Golden Road to Hell. They joined hands and sang a merry song as they followed the Golden Road. When they arrived at the 10th level, they were greeted by the spirit of Friar Kack, who had been placed in charge of the Negronomicon. Kack offered them a choice of three books: A large bound volume, a clipped-together stack of papers, or a 3x5 index card. If they chose the wrong book, their souls were lost forever. Tarquin contacted the spirit of Magic Jones, who told him “Bigger is better.” They chose the big book, which was indeed the Negronomicon. Friar Kack stamped the enchanted book and told them to bring it back by the 12th.

Eileve was mopping up in the Slop Bucket when Francis came in. Francis told Eileve how much he was looking forward to the birth of their child, but Eileve explained that he was going to sacrifice it to save the kingdom. Francis was stunned. Eileve assured him that the baby would want what was best for everybody…which meant kicking Baron Üterrüs’ ass.

King Plough brought the Magic Mirror to the castle and hung it on the wall. Plough asked if he had what it took to reclaim his throne…and if there were a spell to make his penis bigger.

Aquilius was hammering away at his anvil when Baron Üterrüs entered. Aquilius pointed out that his great-grandfather Kriembak had defeated Üterrüs once before, but the Baron retorted that he returned, slew Kriembak, then made a pun of his name by creaming on his back. The Baron boasted that “in the real world, the bad guys usually win.”

Eileve paid a visit to Tarquin’s treehouse and explained his situation. Learning that Eileve had inherited some of Magic Jones’ essence and powers, Tarquin asked if Eileve could de-zombify him. Eileve noticed that Tarquin had been gnawing on a human arm…which he recognized as King Plough’s missing limb.

Nort went to Linens Und Thïngs carrying the Negronomicon. Baron Üterrüs pointed out that, since the book was the one thing that could destroy him, bringing it to his headquarters was a very foolish decision indeed.

NORT: “I’m not an educated man…and I’m drunk.”

Nort lamented that he had screwed up once again. The Baron offered him a chance to prove himself on the side of evil. Üterrüs was so confident that Nort would join him that he left the book in Nort’s possession while he considered the offer.

Francis stopped by the workshop and admired Aquilius’ handiwork. Aquilius demonstrated the artificial arm he had created by attaching it to Francis. Francis was thrilled by the experience of having an opposable thumb instead of just a stone fist. Francis asked to keep the arm, but Aquilius replied that it was intended for King Plough. Suddenly, Francis noticed that Aquilius had made a right arm, whereas Plough was missing his left.

King Plough was drinking and reminiscing with the Magic Mirror when Eileve rushed in carrying Plough’s severed arm. Before Eileve could explain, his water broke. Plough rushed to his grandson’s side, but he couldn’t do anything with just one arm. Despite the agonizing labor pains, Eileve managed to cast the spell to restore Plough’s arm. Whole once again, King Plough prepared to deliver the baby.

TO BE CONTINUED…

Season 6, Episode 19: Everybody Dies...Yet Again

Episode 19: Everybody Dies…Yet Again

Chambliss Tucker met her son Eileve at the Slop Bucket. Eileve observed that Chambliss was more preoccupied with ordering the soup than with the fact that he had saved her by reuniting her head with her body. Chambliss explained that she appreciated his effort, but that the spell had changed something else about her body…she now had a penis. Eileve was horrified to learn that his spell had gone wrong. He checked himself and discovered that he now had a vagina.

After a friendly game of basketsphere with Francis of the Rock People, King Plough complained that, having lost an eye and an arm, he now felt like less than a man. Francis told Plough that Eileve was learning the ways of white magic, and might be able to heal Plough. However, since Eileve was still learning, there might be great danger.

PLOUGH: “Danger is my middle name.”
FRANCIS: “I thought it was Yancy.”
PLOUGH: “You got me.”

Atop Skank Mountain, Baron Üterrüs was giving instructions to his new apprentice, Tarquin the Gangly. He told Tarquin to go back to his treehouse and fetch King Plough’s throne, then divest Plough of his kingly garments and dress him as a peasant, and finally chain him in the dungeon. As Tarquin left, the voice of his late father, Magic Jones, suddenly spoke through him. Jones asked Tarquin to set off the bag of explosives he had left in Üterrüs’ shop.

Chambliss returned to her Lincoln Navigator and found Francis waiting for her. She sat back and started talking sports. Francis could tell she was hiding something. She was reluctant to reveal her secret, but finally sang him a song about her new penis.

King Plough paid a visit to Tarquin’s treehouse. Since he had lost his sword, Plough wanted Tarquin to instruct him in the elfin art of archery. Tarquin told him that, in order to learn the bow and arrow, he would need to dress as a peasant and be shackled in a dungeon. Plough accepted Tarquin’s instructions.

Eileve went to Linens Und Thïngs to buy some gingham. As he entered, Baron Üterrüs was puzzled to sense the presence of the god Menstratus. Eileve explained that he had magically swapped genitals with Chambliss, and that he needed some advice. Now that Eileve was female, he was considering a relationship with the one person in town he wasn’t related to…Francis of the Rock People.

Francis was walking through the village when he met a strange peasant, who introduced himself as Nort. When Francis told him about the evil afoot in the kingdom, Nort replied that he had sensed it. Nort explained that he knew all and could foresee the future, although his “prophecy” for Francis was so vague, it could apply to anyone. Nort told Francis that Üterrüs’ power was weakening, and that he knew how to defeat him.

King Plough was waiting without pants in the Dungeon of Filth, wondering when Tarquin would come back to continue the archery lesson. Feeling vulnerable and alone, he concluded that this must be a lesson to teach him the meaning of being a king…he must rely on himself, not hide behind armor and weapons. Suddenly, Baron Üterrüs entered holding the Dual Sword of Destiny. The Baron informed Plough that he had reclaimed what was his…and now had only to take one last thing: Plough’s boxer shorts.

Nort told Eileve and Francis that the secret to defeating Baron Üterrüs was “Simply love.” Taking this as a cue, Eileve asked Francis to be the father of his child. When Francis didn’t understand, Eileve explained that he was now a woman. Francis paused to consider the matter, then immediately agreed.

Tarquin went to the castle and found Chambliss admiring the weapons rack, picking out the most manly bow. She asked where King Plough was, and Tarquin told her that he was in the dungeon. Tarquin suggested that she might want to take her bow and arrows and shoot Plough. He assured her that they were enchanted elfin arrows that wouldn’t actually hurt the king, but would be an amusing practical joke.

Nort released King Plough from the dungeon. Plough told Nort that he needed a weapon to fight Üterrüs, and Nort handed him a feather. (“They do say that the pen is mightier than the sword.”) Impressed by Nort’s wisdom, Plough offered to make the peasant a Duke, or an Earl, or maybe even the Duke of Earl.

Francis and Eileve were engaging in some pillow talk after their encounter. Francis was concerned that things would be weird between them now. They assured each other that this didn’t mean that they were gay, and that they would go back to their old friendship once Eileve got his penis back. Eileve told Francis that soon there would be a new rock person to carry on their line.

FRANCIS: “Not just a rock person, but a rock person/lich person/thief person/elf person/cheetah person/regular person person.”

Chambliss and Baron Üterrüs were walking through the park. The Baron informed her that he had deposed King Plough. If she still wanted to be queen, she would have to marry him. Chambliss refused, having finally had enough of his evil ways. He gave her a choice…be his queen or die. She told him to go ahead and kill her. When he hesitated, she told him to give her the sword. He gave it to her…blade-first.

King Plough and Nort burst into Tarquin’s treehouse. Plough attempted to stab Tarquin with the feather, with less than effective results. Tarquin drew his invisible sword Soulcrusher X and mocked the unarmed Plough. Suddenly, Plough reached behind his back and pulled out a gold dagger, which he had been keeping up his ass ever since he and the dagger’s owner had been prisoners together in Chietnam. Plough lifted his shirt and flashed Tarquin, then stabbed him while he was distracted.

The badly wounded Chambliss was lying in her Lincoln Navigator when Eileve rushed in. Shocked to find his mother in this state, he told her that she had to live to see the birth of her grandchild. He asked who had done this to her, but she “didn’t want to point fingers at anybody tall and evil.” She asked to be buried in the Navigator. Eileve agreed, and she fell silent. Eileve covered her face with Plough’s boxer shorts.

TO BE CONTINUED…

Season 6, Episode 18: Heads of State

Episode 18: Heads of State

During last week’s battle with the elfin army, King Plough had accidentally decapitated Chambliss Tucker with the Dual Sword of Destiny, but thanks to the sword’s enchanted nature, Chambliss’ head and body were still alive, if separate. Plough promised Chambliss that he would get Magic Jones to put her back together. However, Baron Üterrüs informed the King that Magic Jones was dead, having given his life to save Eileve. Üterrüs suggested that they resort to the dark arts to heal Chambliss.

Tarquin the Gangly was stunned to learn of Magic Jones’ death. Tarquin told Francis that he and Jones were closer than anyone suspected…Jones had recently revealed that he was Tarquin’s father. Learning that Baron Üterrüs was responsible for Jones’ death, Tarquin vowed to kill him with the bag of explosives he had prepared for the elfin invasion. Francis mentioned that the elfin army was all dead as well. Tarquin was stunned…again.

Eileve explained to his grandfather, King Plough, how he had been brought back from death by Jones’ sacrifice. Eileve revealed that, when he was at death’s door, his only thoughts were of Plough.

Tarquin confronted Baron Üterrüs at Linens Und Thïngs. As Tarquin ranted, Üterrüs suggested that Tarquin give in to his rage and use it in the service of darkness. Unable to help himself, Tarquin agreed (in a hypnotized monotone) to do the Baron’s bidding.

Chambliss’ head was sitting in her Lincoln Navigator when a mysterious stranger entered…Lady Guinevere of the Chattahoochee. Guinevere explained that she was a water spirit; her father was an undersea giant and her mother was a catfish. Guinevere told her not to try to visualize how that conception happened, but Chambliss replied that she’d seen stranger things on the internet.

Francis was wandering through the forest when he met Eileve. Eileve explained that, since he came back from death, he now felt purer, wiser, and cleaner. Francis theorized that part of Magic Jones’ essence lived on in Eileve…which meant that they might be able to combat the dark forces in the kingdom. Francis proposed that they kill Baron Üterrüs, but Eileve pointed out that the last time they tried, Üterrüs took Eileve’s soul.

EILEVE: “And as my father, Kalgon, said: Take my soul, you take my hands. Take my hands, you take my craft. Take my craft, you take my soul. Take my soul, you take my hands…”

Three days later, Francis finally interrupted the motto.

Baron Üterrüs and King Plough were drinking at the Slop Bucket. Üterrüs told Plough that he had gathered the ingredients for Chambliss’ necromantic surgery. Plough expressed surprise that Üterrüs was still helping him even after revealing his evil nature.

ÜTERRÜS: “Perhaps even in evil, there can still be friendship. Perhaps. I’m leaving a loophole there.”

Eileve was sitting by a campfire, talking to his dead father Kalgon. Eileve explained that he was trying to honor Kalgon’s memory, and was even taking on his mannerisms. As Eileve lay down to sleep, a voice in the wind whispered “Good night, son.”

Francis visited Chambliss’ Lincoln Navigator, only to run off screaming in terror at the sight of her severed head. He eventually came back and apologized for his reaction. He urged Chambliss not to turn to the dark arts to restore herself, but she pointed out that she didn’t have much choice. Francis informed her that he was training Eileve in the ways of white magic, and that they would heal her with goodness. The race was on to see who could restore her first.

Lady Guinevere paid a visit to Tarquin’s treehouse. She revealed that she had not been to Ye Little Points of Five in a long time…not since her wonderful affair with Magic Jones. She explained that, many centuries ago, she emerged from the waters and met a young wizard. (“He made me his scribe…and by scribe, I mean f*ck-toy.”) Tarquin asked whether this affair had produced a child, and she confessed that she was indeed Tarquin’s mother. Tarquin realized that, since his father was a human wizard and his mother was a water spirit, that meant that he had no elfin blood at all. All this time, he’s just been a human/water spirit with freakish ears, living among the elves. No wonder he always felt out of place.

King Plough paid one last visit to Chambliss’ headless body. (“I wanted to tell you a few things I couldn’t tell your ears.”) He told her that, although she was not his first queen, and probably wouldn’t be his last, he considered her his ONLY queen.

Francis was training Eileve by making him chase a chicken, among other unusual methods. When Eileve was able to snatch a cricket from Francis’ hand, they knew he was ready.

Baron Üterrüs and his new apprentice, Tarquin, were gathering ingredients for the necromantic ritual. Üterrüs told Tarquin to drop the hypnotized zombie voice, explaining that evil is more effective when it isn’t so obvious. Üterrüs revealed that he had taken the invisible sword Soulcrusher X from the fallen Keblaar on the battlefield, then handed the weapon to Tarquin. Taruin realized that he could now not only kill his enemies, but suck up the souls that emerge from the body, and grow even more powerful.

King Plough was polishing and admiring the Dual Sword of Destiny when Lady Guinevere entered and introduced herself. She explained that Magic Jones had summoned her with his dying thoughts, telling her to take the Sword of Destiny and return it to the river. Plough refused to give up his weapon, until he heard the voice of Magic Jones repeat the request from beyond (also pointing out that Plough still had a whole rack full of weapons).

Chambliss’ two halves, attended by Tarquin and Francis, were waiting to be healed. Eileve arrived carrying Magic Jones’ staff, and performed the spell to make her whole. Meanwhile, elsewhere, Lady Guinevere was preparing to return the Dual Sword of Destiny to the Chattahoochee, when Baron Üterrüs suddenly arrived and killed her with his “soul kiss.” Chambliss was healed, but Baron Üterrüs now held the Dual Sword of Destiny.

TO BE CONTINUED…

Season 6, Episode 17: Everybody Dies...Again...Maybe...Sort of...

Episode 17: Everybody Dies…Again…Maybe…Sort of…

In the aftermath of the big ballgame and the collapse of Mount Francis, King Plough had won the game but lost an eye. Eileve had taken possession of both Magic Jones’ and Baron Üterrüs’ magic staffs. Plough noticed that the skull on the Baron’s staff resembled that of Plough’s great-great-great-etc.-grandfather, who was killed by an evil undead lich many centuries ago. Eileve suggested that the Baron WAS that lich, but the king scoffed at this notion. As Eileve tried to convince his grandfather about Üterrüs’ true nature, the cheetah-skin on Eileve’s legs suddenly slipped down. They realized that Eileve was reaching puberty.

Francis of the Rock People consulted Magic Jones about Francis’ recent shrinking down from mountain-size. Jones explained that Francis had shrunk because he couldn’t maintain the energy needed for his immense size. Francis suggested that he might get that energy back by eating a lot, but Jones replied that that would just make him expand horizontally. However, Jones pointed out that Francis’ heart had grown three sizes, and he still had the compassion and wisdom of a mountain.

Chambliss Tucker was wearing the rabbit-head mask she had used as a mascot for the defunct ChamblissTuckerLand. Baron Üterrüs asked her why she kept hiding herself under rabbit masks and elf ears, then theorized that she was constantly trying out new personas because she is out of place in this world. He suggested that she should return to Marietta for her own safety. Chambliss insisted that she belonged here, and that she could infiltrate the elves and be accepted as one of their own. Üterrüs warned her once more (this time in song), but since she refused to listen, he turned his back and walked away.

Tarquin and Keblaar were in the Slop Bucket, preparing for the elfin invasion. Keblaar thanked Tarquin for joining them despite being exiled from their tribe. When Keblaar mentioned that he had helped write the order of exile, Tarquin was outraged. They started arguing, and Keblaar drew his enchanted invisible sword Soulcrusher X. Tarquin didn’t believe the sword was there until Keblaar knocked an arrow from Tarquin’s hand.

Francis and Eileve met in the forest. When Eileve explained that Baron Üterrüs had killed Kalgon, Francis swore to help Eileve in his quest for vengeance. As Eileve puzzled over how to kill the undead, Francis got an idea.

King Plough summoned Magic Jones to the throne room for his monthly review, and asked Jones to rate his own job performance. Jones rated himself a 5 out of 5 in every department, until Plough cut him off and pointed out just how incompetent he was. Plough pointed out that Jones had lost his magic staff, leaving him powerless. Jones argued that he still had some power without the staff, then demonstrated by rapping a spell to make it rain.

Baron Üterrüs offered his services to the elfin army, explaing that he was an expert at baby-mutilating, uniform-tailoring, soul-removal, and various fix-it jobs. In exchange for his services, Üterrüs demanded the enchanted double-sword held by King Plough.

Chambliss Tucker visisted Tarquin’s treehouse, where he was preparing an elfin explosive device consisting of various natural substances in a large back. Tarquin tested the bomb by igniting it, but it turned out to be a dud.

Baron Üterrüs was closing up at Linens Und Thïngs, bidding goodbye to his flowers as he prepared to go to war. Suddenly, Francis and Eileve burst in and confronted him about Kalgon’s murder.

EILEVE: “Hello. My name is Eileve the Gangly Üterrüs, the slighter of hand, fleeter of foot, heir to the throne of Ye Little Points of Five. You killed my father. Prepare to die.”

The Baron asked for one last request, then suddenly planted a “soul kiss” on Eileve.

Keblaar informed King Plough that he was quitting his post as Royal Secretary in order to lead the elf army. Plough was enraged, pointing out that Keblaar hadn’t given him two weeks’ notice. As they argued, Keblaar drew Soulcrusher X, but Plough didn’t believe Keblaar actually had an invisible sword. Keblaar officially declared war on behalf of the elfin army.

Magic Jones found a tearful Baron Üterrüs outside Linens Und Thïngs. The Baron told Jones that inside the store, he would find the shriveled husk of a boy on the brink of death. Üterrüs asked Jones to nurse Eileve back to health, but not to reveal that Üterrüs had asked him to do so. Jones pointed out that Eileve was a threat to both of them, and that he SHOULD be destroyed. Nevertheless, Jones agreed to honor the Baron’s request out of respect.

Inside, Francis was cradling Eileve’s limp body. Magic Jones rushed in and checked Eileve’s pulse, but it was too late. Eileve was dead. Jones heard Baron Üterrüs’ voice, reminding him that there was a spell to bring back Eileve…but at the cost of the spellcaster’s own life. Jones chanted the spell, then collapsed as Eileve sat up once again.

Keblaar and Tarquin were putting the final touches on the invasion plan. Tarquin showed Keblaar his bag of explosives, explaining that he would plant it in the keystone of the castle, bringing the whole thing down. Chambliss arrived, telling them she was on the side of the elfin army. As they celebrated, Chambliss “accidentally” knocked the bag of explosives onto the campfire. As they ran for cover, Chambliss gloated that her plan to blow up the elves had worked…not realizing that the bomb had been another dud, and that Tarquin and Keblaar were still behind her, hearing every word she said.

Despite having lost his left arm in the swordfight with Keblaar, King Plough was preparing for battle when Baron Üterrüs entered and warned him that they were on opposite sides of this war. As a mark of their mutual respect, they told each other their true full names (“King Yancy Plough” and “Baron Portnoy Üterrüs”). They parted as old friends turned honored foes. After Üterrüs’ departure, King Plough delivered a rousing speech to his people. Chambliss ran in and declared her allegiance to King Plough, tearing off her elf ears. Üterrüs returned and defected to Plough’s side. The battle was joined (seen in silhouette), and the forces of Ye Little Points of Five emerged victorious…but Chambliss was struck in the head by King Plough’s sword in the melee.

TO BE CONTINUED…

Season 6, Episode 16: Take Me Up to the Ballgame

Episode 16: Take Me Up to the Ballgame

For the grand opening of FrancisWorld, a ballgame had been planned. King Plough and his grandson Eileve were practicing, though Plough didn’t feel very confident. Eileve told Plough that even if Plough’s abilities were lacking, his presence would inspire Eileve to snatch victory from the jaws of defeat. Eileve demonstrated his speed by running around the castle and back before Plough noticed his absence. This gave Plough an idea.

At Linens Und Thïngs, Baron Üterrüs and Magic Jones discussed the sorry state of business, then turned their attention to the upcoming ballgame. Üterrüs’ strategy involved knocking the opponents’ heads off with their bats, but Jones suggested that they instead fill the bats with bird cork. (“It’s cheating, but not necessarily killing them.”) The Baron liked the idea of cheating, then suggested that they make the match more interesting by wagering their magic staffs against Plough’s enchanted sword.

JONES: “Very well, my staff against yours!”
ÜTERRÜS: “We’re on the same team! Haven’t you been paying any attention?”

Keblaar of the Riverdale elves was stringing the silveril cables across the mountain-sized Francis of the Rock People. They introduced themselves, and Keblaar explained that he’d been appointed the Royal Secretary. Francis listened politely, but explained that he couldn’t really take an interest because, as a mountain, mortal concerns were beneath him.

Tarquin the Gangly came to ask Chambliss what was going on with all the cables being strung across Mount Francis. She explained that she was planning on running cable cars up FrancisWorld (or, as she called it, “ChamblissTuckerLand”), and asked Tarquin to hollow out several trees to make the cable cars, making sure to carve grates in the floors as a drain for spilled beverages. Tarquin agreed to all her ideas.

King Plough and Baron Üterrüs were in the Slop Bucket, talking smack before the big game. Plough suggested that the Baron’s team should be called “The Pussies,” and Üterrüs agreed that his team was no match for Plough’s. Plough was disappointed, explaining that Üterrüs was taking all the fun out of smack-talk by not fighting back. Üterrüs proposed his wager to Plough, and the King accepted. The Baron asked Plough what his team’s name was, and Eileve dubbed them “The Ass-Kickers.”

Magic Jones and Eileve talked about the upcoming game. Eileve reassured the wizard that the game was all in friendly competition, and that he still looked up to Jones. As they conversed, Jones noticed that Eileve smelled really nice. Eileve explained that that was his own natural scent, resulting from his being part-cheetah. They discussed the idea of bottling Eileve’s scent and selling it at Linens Und Thïngs under the brand name “Brute.”

Tarquin and Keblaar had a conversation in Elvish (occasionally slipping back into English). During one of the English moments, Tarquin explained that he had designed the cable car’s grate so that not only would drinks fall through, but so would the human passengers.

Chambliss was putting the finishing touches in ChamblissTuckerLand, and Francis asked her why she had become so ruthless lately. She explained that she was modeling herself on her idol, Oprah Winfrey. Suddenly, Chambliss started thinking about Oprah and realized that she wasn’t such a great role model after all. Chambliss apologized and agreed to try being nicer. Now that she’d agreed to change her ways, Francis allowed Chambliss to climb him so she could see the elf army in the distance, carving trees into weapons (but planting new trees for every one they cut down).

Keblaar visited Linens Und Thïngs and found Baron Üterrüs practicing for the ballgame. The Baron complained that his latest shipment of elfin silks had not arrived, and that it was unlike the elves to be late. Keblaar explained that he had been busy with all his latest responsibilities: being Royal Secretary, helping prepare FrancisWorld, and preparing the elfin invasion. This last item piqued Üterrüs’ interest, and he offered his services to the elves.

Magic Jones was coaching King Plough for the ballgame; even though they were on different teams, Jones was still Plough’s advisor and companion. Plough started reminiscing about his Uncle Stu and his lifetime companion Bruce.

Tarquin attempted to string up the cable cars to ChamblissTuckerLand, but the car kept falling off the cable. Tarquin finally noticed that the mountain was his old friend Francis, and he reassured Francis that he hadn’t forgotten the revolution, and that the elf army was coming to help. Francis reminded Tarquin that the revolution wasn’t about killing everybody, but making life better. Francis was worried about the elf army, but Tarquin’s incompetence in building the cable car reassured him that the elves were no threat.

Chambliss visited the Slop Bucket and complained that her plans for ChamblissTuckerLand were not going as well as she’d hoped. Eileve noticed that she was carrying a giant rabbit-head mask, and suggested that she wear the mask to greet people. He assured her that she could get more customers by being a friendly cartoon rabbit than by demanding money from them.

Tarquin’s sabotaged cable-car having failed (big surprise there), everybody was gathered atop Mount Francis for the ballgame. It was the bottom of the somethingth inning, and the Asskickers were down 2 to 0. Plough instructed Eileve to use the secret strategy they had devised earlier. By running around the world at super-speed, Eileve turned back time to the start of the game. As the game started over, Baron Üterrüs suggested that they make it a one-pitch, all-or-nothing game. As Üterrüs prepared to throw his lardball, Plough stabbed Eileve in the side, just to make the game more dramatic. As the Baron hurled his pitch, the scene went into slow-motion. Eileve hit the ball and staggered around the bases, reaching home plate just as he was tagged. Francis, being the umpire (as well as the playing field), was asked to make the call. However, before he could rule, something unforeseen occurred. Eileve’s time-reversal had undone the enchantment that turned Francis into a mountain, and he shrank back to his original size with everybody still on top of him.

TO BE CONTINUED…

Season 6, Episode 15: Go Tell It to the Mountain (Or: Two Elves and a Funeral)

Episode 15: Go Tell It to the Mountain (Or: Two Elves and a Funeral)

At the funeral for Kalgon, the master thief and singing waiter, everybody came by to pay their respects. Amongst all the remembrances, Kalgon’s demi-son Eileve swore to carry on Kalgon’s work, which he did by stealing the gravestone.

Having grown to forty times his original size (as a result of being struck by two enchanted swords), Francis of the Rock People was imprisoned in a special dungeon. Eileve snuck in and offered Francis the key to the dungeon, but Francis considered himself a political prisoner and would only accept freedom if the king agreed to his demands.

Tarquin was hanging out with Chambliss Tucker, who had undergone elfin plastic surgery to fit in with his people. When she complained about the painful procedure, Tarquin started pontificating about all the pain that comes with being an elf. As Tarquin spoke, Chambliss suddenly came up behind him and held a Lady Schick to his throat. Tarquin turned the tables by threatening her with the enchanted pillow. Chambliss turned the tables yet again by throwing her cloak over his head.

Magic Jones visited Baron Üterrüs to discuss what to do about Eileve and his magic wand. The two old enemies reminisced about their past battles, complete with flashbacks.

King Plough was claiming some land in the forest when her ran into the wandering elf Keblaar. Keblaar explained that he had come to visit his old friend Tarquin, who had been banished from their tribe. They got to know each other, and Plough told Keblaar about the murder of his son Kalgon.

PLOUGH: “I will take his killer’s entrails and serve them on a steaming plate! That is, the entrails will be steaming…the plate will be room temperature.”

Chambliss visited Francis in the dungeon. When he asked if she considered him a monster, she reassured him that his size didn’t make him a monster…it made him a mountain. She told him that people loved mountains, and that he could be loved if he let people climb him, build skylifts to get to the top of him, and set up slushie stands on him.

Tarquin was lying unconscious in Chambliss’ Lincoln Navigator when Magic Jones and Baron Üterrüs burst in. Tarquin woke up and told them that Chambliss had tried to kill him “by smoth…suff…not being able to breathe under this thing!” Üterrüs explained that they were searching for Eileve, the mutual son of both Üterrüs and Tarquin (as well as Kalgon and Dewey Claw). Tarquin used his elfin powers to locate Eileve, who was with King Plough in the Slop Bucket. When the Baron revealed that they were planning to destroy Eileve, Tarquin assumed a fighting stance, but Magic Jones used his powers to make Tarquin forget that information.

At the Slop Bucket, Eileve met King Plough and introduced himself as Kalgon’s son, making him Plough’s grandson. Plough was overjoyed to learn that he had a grandson, and declared Eileve his heir to the throne. Keblaar the elf was amazed to witness such a historic occasion. Plough offered Keblaar the post of Royal Secretary and told him to take notes about this meeting. Eileve explained the plan to bring joy to the kingdom by turning Francis into a mountain park. Plough liked the idea, and ordered Francis’ release.

Shortly afterwards, King Plough visited Francis’ dungeon. He officially declared Francis a political prisoner, then pardoned him. The King asked Francis to become a mountain theme park, and Francis eagerly accepted.

Keblaar was compiling data when Chambliss came in and introduced herself as the Queen. Keblaar was amazed to see an elf-eared queen in a human kingdom, remarking that it would make it that much easier when the elves take over. She thanked him for the information, then asked him to put that plan on hold. She ordered him to find two miles of steel (or, as the elves call it, “silveril”) cable to build cable cars for the mountain park.

Tarquin stopped by the Slop Bucket and found Eileve, who explained that he had taken over Kalgon’s position as the waiter. As Eileve set the table, Kalgon noticed that it was covered with notes written in Elvish. Alerted by the notes, Tarquin sensed the presence of Keblaar, his old childhood friend (and romantic rival). Tarquin sang a song recounting how Keblaar won the hearts of Tarquin’s two girlfriends, Betty and Veronica.

Magic Jones and Baron Üterrüs’ search for Eileve was shown in a series of paintings.

Chambliss Tucker christened Francis the new Heritage Mountain Park. Francis found this the most rewarding experience of his entire existence. When Chambliss started making plans to dig into Francis and build high-priced vacation lodges, Francis started to have second thoughts. When she started fantasizing about building a water park where she could sleep with all the nubile male lifeguards, Francis REALLY got cold feet.

FRANCIS: “It sounds like you’re just using me…and a lot of young men.”

Tarquin was relaxing in his treehouse when his old friend Keblaar came to visit. Tarquin loaned Keblaar a couple of miles of silveril cable, and they reminisced about old times. Tarquin’s ox Thacko ran up and greeted his former master. It was revealed that Tarquin had won Thacko in a poker game, and the ox was still upset about that. To make amends, Tarquin returned Thacko to Keblaar.

Magic Jones and Baron Üterrüs found Eileve relieving himself in the woods. King Plough emerged from doing his own business in the bushes, then invited them all to FrancisWorld. Plough’s manner grew serious as he asked the Baron to help him avenge Kalgon’s murder (not knowing that Üterrüs WAS Kalgon’s killer). Then Plough immediately lightened up again and repeated “C’mon, let’s go to FrancisWorld!”

TO BE CONTINUED…

Season 6, Episode 14: Everybody Dies

Episode 14: Everybody Dies

Kalgon, the fleet of foot and sleight of hand, gave Esmerizizelda the magical artifact he had stolen for her: the Flowers of Algernon. She explained that she would use their power to switch bodies with Chambliss Tucker. When Kalgon asked for the sack of gold she had promised him, she gave him his “just reward” by casting a spell of clumsiness upon him, thus destroying his skills as a master thief.

Magic Jones was wandering through the forest when he the as-yet-nameless son of Chambliss Tucker and three fathers. The human-elf-cheetah man-child lamented his freakish existence, and Jones reassured him that everybody feels like a freak when they’re young.

As a result of their collision, King Plough’s alabaster sword and Baron Üterrüs’ onyx sword had merged into a single weapon. Plough and Üterrüs discussed an arrangement to alternate ownership of the sword, then turned to the more pressing matter of what to do with Francis, who was being held in the dungeon. Üterrüs thought that Francis should be hewn into gravel for his treachery, while Plough worried how the people would react to such a severe punishment. The Baron argued that a king shouldn’t be influenced by his subjects, but should rule them with an iron fist. Plough realized that the merged sword was influencing him, tearing him between its two sides. (“There’s dark, and there’s light…and yet, alas, there’s no creamy center.”)

Esmerizizelda paid a visit to Tarquin’s treehouse. Tarquin lamented that his ox, Thacko, had grown distant since Tarquin had been transformed from elf to human. Esmerizizelda told him that she could restore him if he helped her abduct Chambliss for her ritual.

Magic Jones brought the nameless child to Linens Und Thïngs to meet one of his fathers, Baron Üterrüs. The Baron was impressed by his demi-son’s growth, noting that the child had the prowess of a cheetah, the immortality of an elf, and the blood of kings. All that was left was for the Baron to teach him in the ways of the undead. The child agreed to join him, on one condition: “I want Magic Jones to name me…or I leave.” Thus, the old wizard christened the child “Eileve.”

At the Slop Bucket, King Plough asked his son, Kalgon, to read the menu for him, since Plough could not read. As Kalgon described the blue-plate special, Plough reiterated his confession of illiteracy, hoping that Kalgon would get the point this time. Plough was concerned because he had signed all manner of documents without knowing what they were, relying on Magic Jones’ judgment on the legislation.

KALGON: “I wouldn’t trust him to name a baby!”

Kalgon’s curse of clumsiness rendered him unable to serve Plough’s meal. He explained that he had committed a theft for a sack of gold, wanting to earn the gold on his own terms rather than ask his father. Plough revealed that he was proud of Kalgon’s self-sufficiency. Plough sang a song praising Kalgon’s skill as a waiter.

Esmerizizelda paid another visit to Tarquin, promising to turn him back into an elf after he completes the abduction of Chambliss. Tarquin demanded to be restored immediately, but the witch protested that he might back out of the agreement afterwards. Tarquin pointed out that elves never broke their word. She accepted that, but warned him that if he DID cross her, she’d turn him into something horrible, though she couldn’t decide what. Suddenly, Eileve knocked on the door. Tarquin saw his elfin parentage in the child, and greeted him warmly. Tarquin confided that Esmerizizelda’s evil plan was his only hope of becoming an elf again, but Eileve had an alternate plan: he distracted Esmerizizelda and stole her wand.

Magic Jones was wandering about when Eileve entered, holding the wand in one hand and his detached tail in the other. Eileve explained that he had idly commented that he hated his tail, and it fell off. Jones realized that the wand responded to its owner’s desires…a terrible responsibility for a one-week-old.

King Plough summoned Esmerizizelda to the castle, pointing out that she had been banished by his great-grandfather, and the banishment was still in effect. She broke down in tears, lamenting her wretched herpes-ridded existence. Plough confessed that he too knew the heartbreak of herpes (“Why do you think I grew this ridiculous mustache?”). She offered to transplant his soul into a herpes-free body. Torn by the influence of the sword, Plough agreed, giving her one hour to prove her powers by curing herself.

Kalgon went to Linens Und Thïngs, crawling very carefully to avoid knocking anything over. Kalgon told Baron Üterrüs about the curse of clumsiness, and the Baron offered to help him. Üterrüs started gathering the ingredients for the remedy, then realized that the Flowers of Algernon had vanished. Kalgon remorsefully confessed to the theft. Enraged, Üterrüs dealt Kalgon a heavy blow with his mace.

Tarquin and Esmerizizelda snuck into Chambliss Tucker’s Lincoln Navigator and abducted the sleeping, blanket-covered Chambliss, after Tarquin knocked her out by whacking her with a cushy pillow.

Eileve found Kalgon lying motionless in his cave. Eileve attempted to wake up his demi-father, but the flies buzzing around the body proved that he was dead. Eileve’s elfin heritage allowed him to speak to the flies and learn what had happened. (“My father’s killed my father!”) Eileve swore to avenge Kalgon’s death.

Magic Jones castigated Baron Üterrüs for not watching Eileve, thus allowing Eileve to get Esmerizizelda’s wand. Jones warned that the combination of unlimited power and a child’s immaturity could blow a hole in the space-time continuum. Baron Üterrüs agreed that the danger was serious enough for the two of them to set aside their differences and join forces.

Tarquin and Esmerizizelda were preparing for the deherpification ritual when the witch suddenly remembered that Eileve had stolen her wand. (“You fool! This is my fault, but I blame you!”) Tarquin suggested that the cushy pillow must have some magical powers of its own, since it had somehow knocked out Chambliss. The witch tested the pillow’s powers by casting a spell on Tarquin. Suddenly, his elfin locks reappeared as he was restored to his true self. Before Esmerizizelda could proceed to transferring her soul into Chambliss’ body, King Plough entered, shouting that the hour was up. Seeing that the witch had failed to cure herself, Plough stabbed her with his sword.

TO BE CONTINUED…