Guest-starring Carrie Ragsdale as Bitsy Caponé.
Episode 9: Meet Bitsy
Cecil and Bert were still in the middle of their Tarantino/John Woo-style stand-off, when Bitsy Caponé (Bert’s wife and Cecil’s mom) entered. Bert and Cecil put their guns away for the unexpected family reunion. Bitsy pulled her own gun on Bert, but put it away so she could give Cecil a surprise—his beloved childhood toy “Mr. Bun.” Cecil suggested that the whole family—plus Celeste—should get together for lunch.
ShiShi was in Bert’s office, waiting to find out whether she still had a job. Vladimir entered and told ShiShi (after a brief struggle with the language barrier) that there had been several messages for her from a Mr. Brannigan at Virgin Records. Stunned and thrilled, ShiShi urged Vladimir to find those messages. Then they went to Dave & Buster’s.
Tillie met Dr. Weeds in the garden. She told him that, before the hotel closed, she wanted to book one last big Jewish conference. Seeing the convention as a good opportunity to find victims, Dr. Weeds agreed. They kissed.
Celeste met Ebenezer out on the stoop. Ebenezer revealed that he was a ghost, and suggested that they dig up his physical body and take out his eyes so that Celeste could see. Celeste did not take him up on his bizarre offer. Ebenezer mentioned that his escape attempt with Tillie was unsuccessful…as soon as he got out of her K-Car, he rematerialized on the 13th floor. Celeste confided about her romantic problems with Bert, though Ebenezer initially thought she was talking about Dr. Weeds. They laughed over this little misunderstanding, and made fun of Weeds’ faggy scarf. Off in the distance, Dr. Weeds shouted “Nobody makes fun of the scarf!”
Bert arrived in his office and told ShiShi that her Kenny Rogers number didn’t do the trick—he was still firing her. He then revealed that he had “taken care” of the messages from Brannigan at Virgin Records. However, he might just consider letting her contact the record label…if she’d do a favor for him in return.
Vladimir was meditating in the garden when Dr. Weeds entered. They discussed the upcoming closing of the hotel. Vladimir thought they could keep it open, using the attractions of a real ghost and the musical mega-star ShiShi. Weeds insisted that the Gregorio WOULD close, but hinted to Vladimir that they might keep him around. Dr. Weeds warned Vladimir that if Cecil kept trying to keep the hotel open, either Bert, Weeds, or Dennis the vulture would eliminate Cecil.
Cecil and Bitsy took a walk through Inman Park. Bitsy assured Cecil that she’d keep the hotel open, since she always gets the last word with Bert. Cecil confessed that he’d been thinking about shooting his father, and Bitsy agreed that she’d often felt that way herself. They played rock-paper-scissors to decide which of them would get to kill Bert; Cecil won.
Celeste met Bert outside his office. They went inside, and Celeste poured out her heart about all her doubts and fears about their relationship, even though they were still just at a platonic stage. Bert kissed her.
Vladimir and Cecil were drinking at the Euclid Yacht Club. Vladimir warned Cecil about the threat to his life. Cecil revealed that murder was an old family tradition, and that Bert had killed his own father, Chester Caponé. (Vladimir: “So in a way, he’s looking forward to you killing him.”)
Bitsy met Dr. Weeds. Weeds told her that he found her very attractive, but warned her that if she interfered with his plans, he’d have to kill her. Bitsy pulled out her gun and stuck it in Weeds’ mouth. This was a big turn-on for both of them.
Ebenezer discovered the hotel’s library and started doing research about spooks. Celeste entered, and they discussed love and happiness using an extended train metaphor. Celeste tried to gently inform Ebenezer that he’s loud and obnoxious. Ebenezer was depressed by the revelation, but decided he must seem that way because of the blind woman’s extraordinary hearing.
Tillie was waiting in Dr. Weeds’ room when Weeds and Bitsy entered. Tillie took Weeds aside and asked him what he was doing with the shameless redhead. When Bitsy objected, Tillie insisted “This is a conference call, you’re not hearing this.”
ShiShi sang an impromptu number about her dilemma. Cecil entered, and ShiShi informed him about the “favor” Bert had demanded from her: “He wants me to maim your mama!” ShiShi couldn’t bring herself to harm anybody, but feared being thrown out on the street. Cecil assured her that she wouldn’t have to kill Bitsy. He had a destiny of his own to fulfill with Bert.
ShiShi: “Destiny? But what about free will?”
Cecil: “I’ve tried free will, and it isn’t really working out.”
Bitsy invited Vladimir to join her against Bert, and Vladimir told her he was already on her side. Vladimir showed her the many silver bullets he had been preparing, inscribing each one with a different part of Bert’s anatomy. Bitsy again tried rock-paper-scissors to determine which of them would do the honors, but Vladimir beat them all with a missile (“Welcome to international diplomacy!”).
Ebenezer tried using his newfound ghostly powers to terrorize Bert, but Bert was not impressed. Bert revealed that his great-grandfather, Chestoricus Caponé, was the person who killed Ebenezer in the first place. Ebenezer swore revenge on the entire Caponé family.
ShiShi and Tillie were drinking in the lounge. ShiShi confided all her problems, and Tillie gave her a gun.
Celeste was cleaning the lobby when Bitsy Caponé entered and introduced herself. Bitsy revealed that she knew all about Celeste’s relationship with her husband, and warned Celeste that Bert would break her heart. Celeste showed Bitsy the gift Bert had given her to prove his love—a gun. (Celeste had no idea what the gift really was, but it’s the thought that counts.) Dr. Weeds entered and tricked Celeste into leaving. Once they were alone, Weeds flirtatiously told Bitsy that he had a message for Bert.
And with that, Dr. Weeds stabbed Bitsy.
TO BE CONTINUED…
Monday, July 21, 2008
Monday, July 14, 2008
Season 3, Episode 8: Meet the New Cecil
Introducing Christian Danley as the post-reconstructive-surgery Cecil!
Episode 8: Meet the New Cecil
Bert arrived at Celeste’s home for their date. As a special treat, Celeste was preparing her own unique lasagna recipe, substituting rice for pasta. They talked a little bit about their lives, and bonded over the discussion of Celeste’s 17 cats and Bert’s 15 siblings.
Dr. Weeds removed Cecil’s bandages and revealed the results of his facial-reconstruction surgery.
Ebenezer staggered down the hall, Dr. Weeds’ knife still sticking in his chest. Vladimir eased his suffering by doing his bear-dance, then took the knife out. There was no wound on Ebenezer’s body. Ebenezer remembered a time many years ago, when he was floating down a tunnel of light lined with dancing bears, then woke up on the 13th floor. Both Vladimir and Ebenezer suddenly realized that Ebenezer was indeed a ghost.
ShiShi was drowning her sorrows with Tillie, who decided to take ShiShi for a drive. Tillie handed ShiShi a gun and told her they were going on a Thelma-and-Louise journey of empowerment.
Bert and Celeste finished dinner, and Celeste prepared to bring out dessert—teramisou made from Twinkies & Nestle Morsels. Bert told her he hadn’t enjoyed himself so much in a long time, then promised her she’d never have to clean toilets again.
Vladimir was perplexed and disturbed by Cecil’s new face. Vladimir told Cecil that Bert was planning to close the hotel. Cecil was upset by this news, not to mention the fact that his father hadn’t even bothered to come to his “unveiling.” Cecil and Vladimir plotted to take over the hotel from Bert.
Ebenezer attempted to leave the hotel, encountering a mysterious gummy resistance the closer he got to the edge of the premises.
ShiShi & Tillie were on the road, getting empowered. They put in a Billy Joel tape and had an “aerodynamic moment” by sticking their hands out the windows and “flying.”
Dr. Weeds was on the 13th floor, when Ebenezer suddenly appeared out of nowhere, surprising them both. Ebenezer explained that he was already dead, so the stabbing didn’t work.
Vladimir chastised Celeste for coming in 25 minutes late, especially since they’ve booked the Tattoo & Piercing convention and the hotel is very busy. Celeste copped an attitude, since Bert promised her she wouldn’t have to work anymore.
ShiShi was startled by Cecil’s new appearance, but thrilled to see him again. They commiserated over Bert’s mistreatment of them both.
ShiShi: “Did you know your daddy’s a rat bastard?”
Cecil: “Since I was born!”
Bert met Dr. Weeds in the garden. Dr. Weeds revealed that he had completed his laser by stealing parts from the one at Stone Mountain. As soon as they close the hotel, they’ll be ready to use it as a headquarters and hold the world for ransom. Their sole remaining obstacle was Cecil’s insistence on keeping the hotel open. Bert met (and shot at) Dr. Weeds’ pet vulture Dennis.
Ebenezer went to Tillie’s room and apologized for not believing her when she told him he was a ghost. Tillie clarified, explaining that Ebenezer was NOT a ghost, but an apparition (“that’s a bigger word”). Ebenezer needed help accepting his undead status so that he could leave the premises. Tillie helped him by driving him out of the hotel in her K-Car. (Ebenezer: “God bless Chrysler!”)
Celeste went up to Cecil’s office. Cecil confronted her about her relationship with his father, and warned her that Bert would just wind up hurting her. Celeste was unconvinced (“If he’s a rotten bastard, then give me more of that!”).
Bert told Vladimir that he was closing the hotel. Vladimir tried to change Bert’s mind by putting on his sad-clown face and doing his mime-in-a-box routine. When that didn’t work, Vladimir told Bert that the Gregorio had something no other hotel does… “I see dead people!”
Dr. Weeds visited ShiShi before her big number. She resolved that she WOULD make Bert cry and save her job. (“You’re not the only one with diabolical plans, mister!”)
Celeste pondered Cecil’s warning. And pondered…and pondered…
Finally, the moment of truth came…ShiShi’s big, career-saving number…a powerful rendition of Kenny Rogers’ “The Gambler.” It was a huge success, with the entire audience, even Dennis the vulture, joining in.
Cecil and Bert confronted each other in the office. Cecil was angry that Bert was taking away the Gregorio, Cecil’s only opportunity to make his own way in life. Bert was adamant about closing it, explaining “You served a purpose. That purpose is over.” Bert and Cecil both drew guns on each other.
TO BE CONTINUED…
Episode 8: Meet the New Cecil
Bert arrived at Celeste’s home for their date. As a special treat, Celeste was preparing her own unique lasagna recipe, substituting rice for pasta. They talked a little bit about their lives, and bonded over the discussion of Celeste’s 17 cats and Bert’s 15 siblings.
Dr. Weeds removed Cecil’s bandages and revealed the results of his facial-reconstruction surgery.
Ebenezer staggered down the hall, Dr. Weeds’ knife still sticking in his chest. Vladimir eased his suffering by doing his bear-dance, then took the knife out. There was no wound on Ebenezer’s body. Ebenezer remembered a time many years ago, when he was floating down a tunnel of light lined with dancing bears, then woke up on the 13th floor. Both Vladimir and Ebenezer suddenly realized that Ebenezer was indeed a ghost.
ShiShi was drowning her sorrows with Tillie, who decided to take ShiShi for a drive. Tillie handed ShiShi a gun and told her they were going on a Thelma-and-Louise journey of empowerment.
Bert and Celeste finished dinner, and Celeste prepared to bring out dessert—teramisou made from Twinkies & Nestle Morsels. Bert told her he hadn’t enjoyed himself so much in a long time, then promised her she’d never have to clean toilets again.
Vladimir was perplexed and disturbed by Cecil’s new face. Vladimir told Cecil that Bert was planning to close the hotel. Cecil was upset by this news, not to mention the fact that his father hadn’t even bothered to come to his “unveiling.” Cecil and Vladimir plotted to take over the hotel from Bert.
Ebenezer attempted to leave the hotel, encountering a mysterious gummy resistance the closer he got to the edge of the premises.
ShiShi & Tillie were on the road, getting empowered. They put in a Billy Joel tape and had an “aerodynamic moment” by sticking their hands out the windows and “flying.”
Dr. Weeds was on the 13th floor, when Ebenezer suddenly appeared out of nowhere, surprising them both. Ebenezer explained that he was already dead, so the stabbing didn’t work.
Vladimir chastised Celeste for coming in 25 minutes late, especially since they’ve booked the Tattoo & Piercing convention and the hotel is very busy. Celeste copped an attitude, since Bert promised her she wouldn’t have to work anymore.
ShiShi was startled by Cecil’s new appearance, but thrilled to see him again. They commiserated over Bert’s mistreatment of them both.
ShiShi: “Did you know your daddy’s a rat bastard?”
Cecil: “Since I was born!”
Bert met Dr. Weeds in the garden. Dr. Weeds revealed that he had completed his laser by stealing parts from the one at Stone Mountain. As soon as they close the hotel, they’ll be ready to use it as a headquarters and hold the world for ransom. Their sole remaining obstacle was Cecil’s insistence on keeping the hotel open. Bert met (and shot at) Dr. Weeds’ pet vulture Dennis.
Ebenezer went to Tillie’s room and apologized for not believing her when she told him he was a ghost. Tillie clarified, explaining that Ebenezer was NOT a ghost, but an apparition (“that’s a bigger word”). Ebenezer needed help accepting his undead status so that he could leave the premises. Tillie helped him by driving him out of the hotel in her K-Car. (Ebenezer: “God bless Chrysler!”)
Celeste went up to Cecil’s office. Cecil confronted her about her relationship with his father, and warned her that Bert would just wind up hurting her. Celeste was unconvinced (“If he’s a rotten bastard, then give me more of that!”).
Bert told Vladimir that he was closing the hotel. Vladimir tried to change Bert’s mind by putting on his sad-clown face and doing his mime-in-a-box routine. When that didn’t work, Vladimir told Bert that the Gregorio had something no other hotel does… “I see dead people!”
Dr. Weeds visited ShiShi before her big number. She resolved that she WOULD make Bert cry and save her job. (“You’re not the only one with diabolical plans, mister!”)
Celeste pondered Cecil’s warning. And pondered…and pondered…
Finally, the moment of truth came…ShiShi’s big, career-saving number…a powerful rendition of Kenny Rogers’ “The Gambler.” It was a huge success, with the entire audience, even Dennis the vulture, joining in.
Cecil and Bert confronted each other in the office. Cecil was angry that Bert was taking away the Gregorio, Cecil’s only opportunity to make his own way in life. Bert was adamant about closing it, explaining “You served a purpose. That purpose is over.” Bert and Cecil both drew guns on each other.
TO BE CONTINUED…
Monday, July 7, 2008
Season 3, Episode 7: Bert's the Boss
Episode 7: Bert’s the Boss
While Cecil was away, Bert Caponé was going over the hotel’s operations. Ebenezer came along, and Bert greeted him with a hearty “Who the fuck are you?” Ebenezer administered his traditional profanity-scolding slap. Bert administered his traditional severe beating.
Tillie and Mad Dog watched some of Tillie’s old movies. Mad Dog was concerned about how he stacked up to her former screen partners, especially those with shaved scrotums (scrota?).
Scarfing down Marshmallow Peeps and guzzling Sublime, ShiShi wandered out to the garden and met Dr. Weeds. Dr. Weeds questioned her about the after-effects of the drug he gave her back in Episode 1 (“Ever get dizzy since then? Ever hear voices?”). Dr. Weeds suggested they had a future together, then licked the Peep dust from her fingers.
Celeste asked Vladimir for some tips on cooking foreign food, particularly Italian. Noticing Celeste’s new perfume and barrettes, Vladimir realized she wanted to cook for her new boyfriend. Vladimir revealed that he’d always wanted to get closer to her himself. “Now you tell me!” Celeste replied, “Get in line!”
Mad Dog found the badly-beaten Ebenezer in the dumpster, and revived him with prunes.
Tillie decided to quit keeping kosher. She called Bert at the front desk and ordered a cheeseburger and milkshake. After Bert’s typically Bert-like response (“What am I, fuckin’ McDonalds?”), Tillie insisted that the “fresh” Caponé bring her food up himself. Bert admired her nerve.
Vladimir offered Bert some ideas for sprucing up the hotel (like changing the bedsheets regularly). Vladimir asked Bert for a raise. Bert agreed, if Vladimir would prove his loyalty by doing an unspecified “something” for him.
Mad Dog nursed Ebenezer back to health with yet more prunes.
Since Bert never brought her her cheeseburger, Tillie invited Celeste to come with her to Wendy’s.
Dr. Weeds brought ShiShi up to his room and confessed “When I’m around you, I don’t feel so evil.” ShiShi insisted that Weeds was only attracted to her stage persona, not the real Doris underneath. Dr. Weeds demonstrated his sincerity by showing her “something no woman’s seen in 3 years” (get your mind out of the gutter, he meant his right eye). He explained that he started wearing his eyepatch after his wife’s death, but now he’s ready to look at life with both eyes again.
Vladimir and Mad Dog were discussing the hotel’s bleak-looking future. They tossed around a few ideas for increasing revenue, including serving good liquor, charging admission for Man Night, and hiring DJ Romeo Cologne, or his cousin Romeo Cologne.
Ebenezer met Tillie in the hallway and complimented her on her radiant appearance. Tillie attributed her glow to having just gotten laid. (Ebenezer: “You went to Hawaii?”) Tillie offered to show the confused old man what she meant with a demonstration, and the two of them went up to the 13th floor.
Bert called ShiShi in to fire her. ShiShi protested that she never drew a salary, working only for tips and her room and board. Bert still insisted on firing her, but offered her one last chance if she could bring a tear to his eye at her next performance.
Tillie and Ebenezer had sex—a rewarding experience for the speedy Ebenezer, a disappointment for Tillie.
The Wendy’s biggie fries weren’t agreeing with Celeste, who sat on the front stoop groaning. Dr. Weeds came by, asked if she’d seen Ebenezer lately, and immediately regretted his choice of words. He then led Celeste to his room.
ShiShi consulted Mad Dog for advice on how to improve her act, keep her job, and save Man Night from being taken over by “rave monkeys.” Mad Dog’s primary suggestion: “More boobs!” He had other ideas, but before he shared them, he asked her for a favor in return: “Shave my balls!”
Dr. Weeds visited Ebenezer’s room. He removed Ebenezer’s glasses and questioned the perplexed, squinting old man about the shooting in Episode 5. Weeds put his arm around Ebenezer’s shoulder, took out his knife, and talked about Ebenezer’s “long, full life.” (Ebenezer: “I’ve led SEVERAL lives!”) Though he could not see Weeds’ weapon, Ebenezer was disturbed by the conversation and by Weeds’ touching him.
Ebenezer: “The way you’re caressing me…it reminds me of a woman.”
Weeds: “And just like a woman, I’m going to do THIS.”
And with that, Weeds stabbed Ebenezer.
TO BE CONTINUED…
While Cecil was away, Bert Caponé was going over the hotel’s operations. Ebenezer came along, and Bert greeted him with a hearty “Who the fuck are you?” Ebenezer administered his traditional profanity-scolding slap. Bert administered his traditional severe beating.
Tillie and Mad Dog watched some of Tillie’s old movies. Mad Dog was concerned about how he stacked up to her former screen partners, especially those with shaved scrotums (scrota?).
Scarfing down Marshmallow Peeps and guzzling Sublime, ShiShi wandered out to the garden and met Dr. Weeds. Dr. Weeds questioned her about the after-effects of the drug he gave her back in Episode 1 (“Ever get dizzy since then? Ever hear voices?”). Dr. Weeds suggested they had a future together, then licked the Peep dust from her fingers.
Celeste asked Vladimir for some tips on cooking foreign food, particularly Italian. Noticing Celeste’s new perfume and barrettes, Vladimir realized she wanted to cook for her new boyfriend. Vladimir revealed that he’d always wanted to get closer to her himself. “Now you tell me!” Celeste replied, “Get in line!”
Mad Dog found the badly-beaten Ebenezer in the dumpster, and revived him with prunes.
Tillie decided to quit keeping kosher. She called Bert at the front desk and ordered a cheeseburger and milkshake. After Bert’s typically Bert-like response (“What am I, fuckin’ McDonalds?”), Tillie insisted that the “fresh” Caponé bring her food up himself. Bert admired her nerve.
Vladimir offered Bert some ideas for sprucing up the hotel (like changing the bedsheets regularly). Vladimir asked Bert for a raise. Bert agreed, if Vladimir would prove his loyalty by doing an unspecified “something” for him.
Mad Dog nursed Ebenezer back to health with yet more prunes.
Since Bert never brought her her cheeseburger, Tillie invited Celeste to come with her to Wendy’s.
Dr. Weeds brought ShiShi up to his room and confessed “When I’m around you, I don’t feel so evil.” ShiShi insisted that Weeds was only attracted to her stage persona, not the real Doris underneath. Dr. Weeds demonstrated his sincerity by showing her “something no woman’s seen in 3 years” (get your mind out of the gutter, he meant his right eye). He explained that he started wearing his eyepatch after his wife’s death, but now he’s ready to look at life with both eyes again.
Vladimir and Mad Dog were discussing the hotel’s bleak-looking future. They tossed around a few ideas for increasing revenue, including serving good liquor, charging admission for Man Night, and hiring DJ Romeo Cologne, or his cousin Romeo Cologne.
Ebenezer met Tillie in the hallway and complimented her on her radiant appearance. Tillie attributed her glow to having just gotten laid. (Ebenezer: “You went to Hawaii?”) Tillie offered to show the confused old man what she meant with a demonstration, and the two of them went up to the 13th floor.
Bert called ShiShi in to fire her. ShiShi protested that she never drew a salary, working only for tips and her room and board. Bert still insisted on firing her, but offered her one last chance if she could bring a tear to his eye at her next performance.
Tillie and Ebenezer had sex—a rewarding experience for the speedy Ebenezer, a disappointment for Tillie.
The Wendy’s biggie fries weren’t agreeing with Celeste, who sat on the front stoop groaning. Dr. Weeds came by, asked if she’d seen Ebenezer lately, and immediately regretted his choice of words. He then led Celeste to his room.
ShiShi consulted Mad Dog for advice on how to improve her act, keep her job, and save Man Night from being taken over by “rave monkeys.” Mad Dog’s primary suggestion: “More boobs!” He had other ideas, but before he shared them, he asked her for a favor in return: “Shave my balls!”
Dr. Weeds visited Ebenezer’s room. He removed Ebenezer’s glasses and questioned the perplexed, squinting old man about the shooting in Episode 5. Weeds put his arm around Ebenezer’s shoulder, took out his knife, and talked about Ebenezer’s “long, full life.” (Ebenezer: “I’ve led SEVERAL lives!”) Though he could not see Weeds’ weapon, Ebenezer was disturbed by the conversation and by Weeds’ touching him.
Ebenezer: “The way you’re caressing me…it reminds me of a woman.”
Weeds: “And just like a woman, I’m going to do THIS.”
And with that, Weeds stabbed Ebenezer.
TO BE CONTINUED…
Monday, June 30, 2008
Season 3, Episode 6: Smells Like Desperado
Episode 6: Smells Like Desperado
Celeste met Bert Caponé outside the hotel. They exchanged some pleasant chit-chat about “Power for Living” before Bert asked about his son Cecil, and how things were going at the hotel. When Bert learned that Cecil had refused to give a $20 raise to the blind woman, he was outraged. Bert started ranting about his son’s many failings, and Celeste pointed out that Cecil’s gay as well.
Alderman Snuff had Ebenezer under house arrest for shooting at him, Cecil, and Dr. Weeds (who was mysteriously absent) at the end of episode 5. Alderman asked some questions about the Caponés and Shaky’s mysterious “fishing trip,” but didn’t get much in the way of answers. (“Ebenezer sees all…Ebenezer knows all…Ebenezer FORGETS all!”) When Alderman ordered Ebenezer to come with him, Ebenezer hinted ominously about what might happen if he left the hotel.
Tillie gave Vladimir a clown nose and asked him to do his old Moscow Circus act. Much to Tillie’s horror, he did. Vlad confessed that he ran up a huge bill on the hotel’s account while he was surfing the net. He lamented about his demanding, unappreciated duties, then asked Tillie if she’d ever seen snuff videos of old men dying. Tillie offered to start Vladimir on a new career, using her connections in the porn industry. Vladimir, on the other hand, offered to get Tillie AWAY from her porn connections.
Mad Dog and Doris/ShiShi paid a visit to Cecil, whose face was completely bandaged since his shooting. Mad Dog suggested that Cecil see Vladimir, whom Mad Dog believed to be the Messenger of God ever since last episode’s “miracle of the coins.” Bert entered, and Cecil screamed.
Mad Dog and Tillie went out to a restaurant. Mad Dog suggested that Tillie meet the new Savior Vladimir.
Cecil and Bert had a heart-to-heart talk while standing out in the rain on the roof. Bert asked Cecil who had shot him, but Cecil couldn’t answer. Bert suggested that his wife’s plastic surgeon, Dr. Horowitz, might be able to fix Cecil’s face. Bert admitted his love for his son, while simultaneously lambasting him for his many failures. Bert finally confronted Cecil about his homosexuality. Bert remembered an old lady who might have “turned” Cecil gay—Tillie almost entered during this speech, but didn’t.
Alderman Snuff led Ebenezer to the doorway. They talked about several topics, primarily love.
In the lounge, Doris sang “Smells Like Teen Spirit” while Vladimir talked on the phone.
Cecil called Celeste to his office and questioned her about the shooting. She didn’t know anything about it, so he changed the subject to the raise she asked for a while back. Celeste told him not to worry about it, since his dad was helping her out. However, she did ask Cecil to order some more cleaning supplies. Cecil offered to hire more cleaning staff to give her a break. Celeste was visibly upset, so Cecil appeased her by giving her an empty basket and telling her it was the supplies she wanted. Bert entered, saw the trick Cecil was pulling, and furiously tore into his son. Cecil broke down crying.
Mad Dog knelt and prayed before Vladimir. Vladimir offered a Russian parable to explain that “the miracle of the coins” was just a magic trick from his circus act. A devastated Mad Dog cried out to God.
Doris closed out her act with another performance of “Desperado,” then sat down with Ebenezer and talked about love. Ebenezer was trying to find love for Alderman Snuff after their discussion on the subject. When Doris realized who Ebenezer was talking about, she told Eb how Alderman had led her on, used her for information, then dumped her. Ebenezer was shocked to learn that Alderman had wronged her so cruelly, and launched into a melodramatic vow of vengeance.
Cecil and Alderman met in the bar and commiserated over their respective failures—Cecil’s perpetually disappointing his father, and Alderman’s letting Ebenezer escape. Alderman showed Cecil “Old Muskie,” Ebenezer’s heirloom blunderbuss, and told Cecil that Ebenezer had been the shooter. Alderman offered to get Cecil into the witness protection program. Cecil’s response was to pick up Old Muskie and aim it at Alderman.
Bert and Celeste had dinner at a hot dog stand outside the hotel. They were getting along great, when Cecil dragged an unconscious or dead Alderman Snuff out as a present for his dad. Bert scolded Cecil for bringing their “dirty laundy” out in public, but praised him for finally proving himself a real Caponé. Celeste remained blissfully unaware of what was going on.
Mad Dog lamented and railed against God.
TO BE CONTINUED...
Celeste met Bert Caponé outside the hotel. They exchanged some pleasant chit-chat about “Power for Living” before Bert asked about his son Cecil, and how things were going at the hotel. When Bert learned that Cecil had refused to give a $20 raise to the blind woman, he was outraged. Bert started ranting about his son’s many failings, and Celeste pointed out that Cecil’s gay as well.
Alderman Snuff had Ebenezer under house arrest for shooting at him, Cecil, and Dr. Weeds (who was mysteriously absent) at the end of episode 5. Alderman asked some questions about the Caponés and Shaky’s mysterious “fishing trip,” but didn’t get much in the way of answers. (“Ebenezer sees all…Ebenezer knows all…Ebenezer FORGETS all!”) When Alderman ordered Ebenezer to come with him, Ebenezer hinted ominously about what might happen if he left the hotel.
Tillie gave Vladimir a clown nose and asked him to do his old Moscow Circus act. Much to Tillie’s horror, he did. Vlad confessed that he ran up a huge bill on the hotel’s account while he was surfing the net. He lamented about his demanding, unappreciated duties, then asked Tillie if she’d ever seen snuff videos of old men dying. Tillie offered to start Vladimir on a new career, using her connections in the porn industry. Vladimir, on the other hand, offered to get Tillie AWAY from her porn connections.
Mad Dog and Doris/ShiShi paid a visit to Cecil, whose face was completely bandaged since his shooting. Mad Dog suggested that Cecil see Vladimir, whom Mad Dog believed to be the Messenger of God ever since last episode’s “miracle of the coins.” Bert entered, and Cecil screamed.
Mad Dog and Tillie went out to a restaurant. Mad Dog suggested that Tillie meet the new Savior Vladimir.
Cecil and Bert had a heart-to-heart talk while standing out in the rain on the roof. Bert asked Cecil who had shot him, but Cecil couldn’t answer. Bert suggested that his wife’s plastic surgeon, Dr. Horowitz, might be able to fix Cecil’s face. Bert admitted his love for his son, while simultaneously lambasting him for his many failures. Bert finally confronted Cecil about his homosexuality. Bert remembered an old lady who might have “turned” Cecil gay—Tillie almost entered during this speech, but didn’t.
Alderman Snuff led Ebenezer to the doorway. They talked about several topics, primarily love.
In the lounge, Doris sang “Smells Like Teen Spirit” while Vladimir talked on the phone.
Cecil called Celeste to his office and questioned her about the shooting. She didn’t know anything about it, so he changed the subject to the raise she asked for a while back. Celeste told him not to worry about it, since his dad was helping her out. However, she did ask Cecil to order some more cleaning supplies. Cecil offered to hire more cleaning staff to give her a break. Celeste was visibly upset, so Cecil appeased her by giving her an empty basket and telling her it was the supplies she wanted. Bert entered, saw the trick Cecil was pulling, and furiously tore into his son. Cecil broke down crying.
Mad Dog knelt and prayed before Vladimir. Vladimir offered a Russian parable to explain that “the miracle of the coins” was just a magic trick from his circus act. A devastated Mad Dog cried out to God.
Doris closed out her act with another performance of “Desperado,” then sat down with Ebenezer and talked about love. Ebenezer was trying to find love for Alderman Snuff after their discussion on the subject. When Doris realized who Ebenezer was talking about, she told Eb how Alderman had led her on, used her for information, then dumped her. Ebenezer was shocked to learn that Alderman had wronged her so cruelly, and launched into a melodramatic vow of vengeance.
Cecil and Alderman met in the bar and commiserated over their respective failures—Cecil’s perpetually disappointing his father, and Alderman’s letting Ebenezer escape. Alderman showed Cecil “Old Muskie,” Ebenezer’s heirloom blunderbuss, and told Cecil that Ebenezer had been the shooter. Alderman offered to get Cecil into the witness protection program. Cecil’s response was to pick up Old Muskie and aim it at Alderman.
Bert and Celeste had dinner at a hot dog stand outside the hotel. They were getting along great, when Cecil dragged an unconscious or dead Alderman Snuff out as a present for his dad. Bert scolded Cecil for bringing their “dirty laundy” out in public, but praised him for finally proving himself a real Caponé. Celeste remained blissfully unaware of what was going on.
Mad Dog lamented and railed against God.
TO BE CONTINUED...
Monday, June 23, 2008
Season 3, Episode 5: Of Musk and Muskie
Episode 5: Of Musk and Muskie
Cecil and Ebenezer met for the first time since Cecil’s arrival at the hotel. Ebenezer complained about the unreliable delivery of his prunes, then told Cecil he lived on the 13th floor (amusing Cecil, who remained unconvinced of the floor’s existence). Cecil asked Ebenezer whether he had told anything to Alderman Snuff, but Ebenezer couldn’t recall, since both he and Alderman were hopped-up on pills at the time. The desperate Cecil threatened Ebenezer. In response, Ebenezer pulled out his old blunderbuss “Muskie.” They came to an agreement to keep each other’s secrets:
Ebenezer: “I won’t tell anyone you’re a sissypants, and you won’t tell anyone about the 13th floor.”
Doris (a.k.a. ShiShi) and Tillie were drinking in the lounge.
Doris: “It feels like I’ve been drinking for days—probably ’cause I’ve been drinking for days.”
Tillie chided Doris for overusing her new cologne (Vanilla Fields™ from Coty®), then offered her some advice about love, drawing on her many years’ experience as a washed-up porn star/widow 8 times over/philanthropist.
Celeste was cleaning in the garden when Dr. Weeds arrived. Dr. Weeds questioned her about her blindness, suggesting that he could use his laser to perform radial keratotomy on her. She explained that that wouldn’t help—the only problem with her eyes is that she doesn’t have any. After a long digression in which Celeste related the history of her adoptive family, Dr. Weeds returned to the subject of restoring her vision. If she would arrange a meeting between Cecil and Alderman Snuff, Weeds explained, he could give her the eyes of someone in the hotel “who won’t be using them anymore.”
In the bar, the new Cyber-Vladimir was explaining his electronic parts and connections (including the keyboard port in his rectum) to Mad Dog. Mad Dog indignantly condemned the internet as a “pipeline for porn,” but Vladimir demonstrated his power by hacking into the US Treasury and transferring cash directly into Mad Dog’s pockets.
Alderman Snuff confronted Cecil about the body in the meat locker, and told Cecil he was taking him in. Cecil not-too-subtly implied that if that happened, something bad, like an explosion, might happen to the car—but only the front part, not the back seat where Cecil would be sitting, of course. Since the threat of prison didn’t seem to intimidate Cecil, Alderman revealed that he had some compromising photos he could show to Cecil’s dad.
Alderman visited Tillie in her room to ask her some questions. She explained that she lived at the Gregorio because she’d been kicked out of every nursing home her kids put her in, “because I’m fucking crazy!” Alderman’s questions took on a distinctly sexual implication, but then Doris came in, and he dropped Tillie like a hot potato.
Vladimir began literally surfing the internet, but quickly disconnected after realizing that Mad Dog was right about it being nothing but porn.
Cecil was panicking in his office when Celeste came in to clean. After a little game of “follow the bell” and a brief discussion of his cologne (a mixture of CK One™ and Drakkar Noir™), Cecil told Celeste how worried he was. She asked if he was afraid people would find out he’s gay, but that wasn’t the problem—in fact, Cecil had never thought of that as being especially secret. He explained his real dilemma: He really wants to run the hotel as a legitimate business, but he knows that his father won’t let him go straight, and that Alderman will just keep pouring on the pressure. Suddenly realizing that Cecil has mob connections, Celeste ran out of the office as quickly as she could, blurting out “Gotta clean the rooms! Please don’t kill me!”
Mad Dog was polishing up the bar and inhaling the fumes from the spray cleaner. Ebenezer snuck up behind him, wielding Old Muskie, and demanded “all the hooch you’ve got and the special keys to Man Night!” However, since “all the hooch” consisted of a single bottle, and the only “key to Man Night” was just to be a man, it was a pretty lame robbery. Ebenezer laughed at his little prank.
Dr. Weeds waited in Cecil’s room, passing the time by trying to call “Blind Date.” When Cecil arrived, he offered Weeds a deal. If Weeds disposes of Alderman, Cecil will put up the funding for Dr. Weeds’ laser—all $200,000 of it.
Vladimir bid furiously for some unknown item on eBay, but didn’t get it.
Doris showed Alderman to her room. As they exchanged some tender sweet talk, Alderman steered the conversation to the stories and secrets she could tell. Doris realized what he was trying to do.
Doris: “You think you can stick your tongue down my throat and I’ll just tell you everything about everybody?…You’re right!”
Doris promised she’d tell him all the dark secrets of the hotel, “the pedophilia, the necrophilia, the herbophilia.” These topics were a bit of a turn-off for Alderman, but he kissed her anyway.
Ebenezer and Mad Dog were drinking and huffing away in the bar. After Mad Dog said that huffing fumes was his one great vice, Ebenezer pointed out another one:
Ebenezer: “I know that the owner of this hotel is a pansy, and you’re a pedophile!”
Mad Dog: “I never rode a bike in my life!”
A panicked Vladimir sought out Dr. Weeds to share some important news he found on the internet: “Cokie Roberts says the NEA won’t be funded!” Dr. Weeds was visibly upset.
Tillie and Celeste had some ice cream at Ben & Jerry’s. After Tillie asserted that Ben & Jerry are Jewish, Celeste agreed: “This tastes so good, they gotta be Jewish!” Tillie got upset (“Tell me, how does ‘Jewish’ taste?”), but Celeste explained she was just trying to go along with Tillie’s perpetual Jewish-pride observations. Celeste then led the other patrons in a toast to Judaism.
Dr. Weeds casually ambushed Alderman Snuff in the hallway. Alderman tried to persuade Weeds to join the side of the law—after all, he did show him to the body in the meat locker. However, Weeds told Alderman that that evidence would disappear unless Alderman met his price—a price the Caponés could meet. Cecil arrived and predicted “Someone’s about to die!” Alderman pulled out his gun and agreed. Dr. Weeds objected: “I’m the killer in this show!” But from the wings, Ebenezer took careful aim with Old Muskie…and fired. But who did he hit?
TO BE CONTINUED...
Cecil and Ebenezer met for the first time since Cecil’s arrival at the hotel. Ebenezer complained about the unreliable delivery of his prunes, then told Cecil he lived on the 13th floor (amusing Cecil, who remained unconvinced of the floor’s existence). Cecil asked Ebenezer whether he had told anything to Alderman Snuff, but Ebenezer couldn’t recall, since both he and Alderman were hopped-up on pills at the time. The desperate Cecil threatened Ebenezer. In response, Ebenezer pulled out his old blunderbuss “Muskie.” They came to an agreement to keep each other’s secrets:
Ebenezer: “I won’t tell anyone you’re a sissypants, and you won’t tell anyone about the 13th floor.”
Doris (a.k.a. ShiShi) and Tillie were drinking in the lounge.
Doris: “It feels like I’ve been drinking for days—probably ’cause I’ve been drinking for days.”
Tillie chided Doris for overusing her new cologne (Vanilla Fields™ from Coty®), then offered her some advice about love, drawing on her many years’ experience as a washed-up porn star/widow 8 times over/philanthropist.
Celeste was cleaning in the garden when Dr. Weeds arrived. Dr. Weeds questioned her about her blindness, suggesting that he could use his laser to perform radial keratotomy on her. She explained that that wouldn’t help—the only problem with her eyes is that she doesn’t have any. After a long digression in which Celeste related the history of her adoptive family, Dr. Weeds returned to the subject of restoring her vision. If she would arrange a meeting between Cecil and Alderman Snuff, Weeds explained, he could give her the eyes of someone in the hotel “who won’t be using them anymore.”
In the bar, the new Cyber-Vladimir was explaining his electronic parts and connections (including the keyboard port in his rectum) to Mad Dog. Mad Dog indignantly condemned the internet as a “pipeline for porn,” but Vladimir demonstrated his power by hacking into the US Treasury and transferring cash directly into Mad Dog’s pockets.
Alderman Snuff confronted Cecil about the body in the meat locker, and told Cecil he was taking him in. Cecil not-too-subtly implied that if that happened, something bad, like an explosion, might happen to the car—but only the front part, not the back seat where Cecil would be sitting, of course. Since the threat of prison didn’t seem to intimidate Cecil, Alderman revealed that he had some compromising photos he could show to Cecil’s dad.
Alderman visited Tillie in her room to ask her some questions. She explained that she lived at the Gregorio because she’d been kicked out of every nursing home her kids put her in, “because I’m fucking crazy!” Alderman’s questions took on a distinctly sexual implication, but then Doris came in, and he dropped Tillie like a hot potato.
Vladimir began literally surfing the internet, but quickly disconnected after realizing that Mad Dog was right about it being nothing but porn.
Cecil was panicking in his office when Celeste came in to clean. After a little game of “follow the bell” and a brief discussion of his cologne (a mixture of CK One™ and Drakkar Noir™), Cecil told Celeste how worried he was. She asked if he was afraid people would find out he’s gay, but that wasn’t the problem—in fact, Cecil had never thought of that as being especially secret. He explained his real dilemma: He really wants to run the hotel as a legitimate business, but he knows that his father won’t let him go straight, and that Alderman will just keep pouring on the pressure. Suddenly realizing that Cecil has mob connections, Celeste ran out of the office as quickly as she could, blurting out “Gotta clean the rooms! Please don’t kill me!”
Mad Dog was polishing up the bar and inhaling the fumes from the spray cleaner. Ebenezer snuck up behind him, wielding Old Muskie, and demanded “all the hooch you’ve got and the special keys to Man Night!” However, since “all the hooch” consisted of a single bottle, and the only “key to Man Night” was just to be a man, it was a pretty lame robbery. Ebenezer laughed at his little prank.
Dr. Weeds waited in Cecil’s room, passing the time by trying to call “Blind Date.” When Cecil arrived, he offered Weeds a deal. If Weeds disposes of Alderman, Cecil will put up the funding for Dr. Weeds’ laser—all $200,000 of it.
Vladimir bid furiously for some unknown item on eBay, but didn’t get it.
Doris showed Alderman to her room. As they exchanged some tender sweet talk, Alderman steered the conversation to the stories and secrets she could tell. Doris realized what he was trying to do.
Doris: “You think you can stick your tongue down my throat and I’ll just tell you everything about everybody?…You’re right!”
Doris promised she’d tell him all the dark secrets of the hotel, “the pedophilia, the necrophilia, the herbophilia.” These topics were a bit of a turn-off for Alderman, but he kissed her anyway.
Ebenezer and Mad Dog were drinking and huffing away in the bar. After Mad Dog said that huffing fumes was his one great vice, Ebenezer pointed out another one:
Ebenezer: “I know that the owner of this hotel is a pansy, and you’re a pedophile!”
Mad Dog: “I never rode a bike in my life!”
A panicked Vladimir sought out Dr. Weeds to share some important news he found on the internet: “Cokie Roberts says the NEA won’t be funded!” Dr. Weeds was visibly upset.
Tillie and Celeste had some ice cream at Ben & Jerry’s. After Tillie asserted that Ben & Jerry are Jewish, Celeste agreed: “This tastes so good, they gotta be Jewish!” Tillie got upset (“Tell me, how does ‘Jewish’ taste?”), but Celeste explained she was just trying to go along with Tillie’s perpetual Jewish-pride observations. Celeste then led the other patrons in a toast to Judaism.
Dr. Weeds casually ambushed Alderman Snuff in the hallway. Alderman tried to persuade Weeds to join the side of the law—after all, he did show him to the body in the meat locker. However, Weeds told Alderman that that evidence would disappear unless Alderman met his price—a price the Caponés could meet. Cecil arrived and predicted “Someone’s about to die!” Alderman pulled out his gun and agreed. Dr. Weeds objected: “I’m the killer in this show!” But from the wings, Ebenezer took careful aim with Old Muskie…and fired. But who did he hit?
TO BE CONTINUED...
Monday, June 16, 2008
Season 3, Episode 4: Up to Snuff
Episode 4: Up to Snuff
The action began even before the introductions were finished, as Dr. Weeds was confronted by a detective investigating the mysterious disappearances at the hotel. But no sooner had the snoop started asking questions than Weeds silenced him—permanently.
Vladimir was installing the hotel’s new computer when Ebenezer stopped by the front desk. After Vladimir attempted to explain the wondrous device to the technologically-challenged old man, Ebenezer invited Vlad to the garden (as Dr. Weeds had requested last episode).
Ebenezer: “Have you ever been…to the GARDEN?”
Vladimir: “This is a metaphor, yes?”
Ebenezer: “I feel dirty for some reason now.”
Tillie and Mad Dog were in bed together, making passionate love. (Fortunately for the audience, the lights were down.) Afterwards, Mad Dog declared the depths of his passion, though he wondered whether it cast doubts on his manliness.
Celeste was cleaning up in the lobby when undercover FBI investigator Alderman Snuff entered. They summoned Vladimir to check Alderman in. As his cover, Alderman claimed to be a rubber-band salesman, but Vladimir saw through him—mainly because he signed the register “Det. Alderman Snuff.” (“Uh, that’s right, I work for the Det Rubber Band company.”) Vladimir knowingly nodded at Alderman, and they exchanged a few words in Russian. Vladimir inadvertently blurted out Alderman’s secret to Celeste.
Dr. Weeds paid a visit to Shi Shi’s room.
Dr. Weeds: “I brought you some flowers.”
Shi Shi: “But I thought you hated flowers.”
Dr. Weeds: “Well, they’ll die soon.”
Dr. Weeds revealed that he recently visited Shi Shi’s family in Brunswick, and got to know her father Trevor (a.k.a. Bubba) well. He made some veiled threats, and offered to provide protection for her family if she’ll do him a favor. He informed her that a “bad man” will be in the garden soon, and handed her a knife.
Ebenezer led Vladimir out to the garden (after some shenanigans with the hotel’s revolving door). Vladimir was profoundly moved and mellowed by the wonders of nature. He decided to take part in the gardening process by doing some digging and planting of his own. No sooner had he started digging than he made a grisly discovery—a severed arm, with a green thumb.
Alderman Snuff stopped by the bar. In response to Alderman’s request for “anything non-alcoholic,” Mad Dog served him up some Chivas Regal. 6 ½ hours later, the completely blotto Alderman started asking questions about the disappearance of the Birdman of Little Five Points. Mad Dog’s sinister, enigmatic reply: “There’s a lot of evil here.” Alderman fell off his stool.
Being in charge of the Hotel Gregorio while Cecil is away, Vladimir held a staff meeting, asking the hotel crew to brainstorm some ways to drum up business. Celeste volunteered to wear a G-shaped costume and be the hotel’s mascot. Vladimir asked if anyone could fold napkins into fun, decorative shapes (Celeste: “Is square fun?”). Shi Shi mentioned her upcoming benefit concert (to replace the Trans Am her cousin lost in the tornado), and Celeste cajoled her into singing “Windy.” Mad Dog was completely exasperated by the chaos and unmanliness of it all.
Still drunk, Alderman Snuff found his way to the 13th floor and met Ebenezer. Alderman explained his inebriation by showing Ebenezer his medication. Ebenezer poured the bottle out onto the table, and the two of them raced to gobble down all the pills. By this time, Alderman could no longer keep his cover story straight, claiming to be a veterinarian. (Ebenezer: “What war?”) Alderman soon abandoned the pretense and revealed he’s an FBI agent investigating the disappearance of the Birdman and the three guys from Man Night—all of whom were FBI operatives themselves. Ebenezer suggested that Alderman meet Dr. Weeds. At the mention of Weeds' name, Alderman immediately sobered up.
In the bar, Tillie was showing Celeste how to fold napkins. A quick study, Celeste soon produced a masterful “bird of paradise.” Tillie reminisced about her wild days with F. Scott Fitzgerald and her career in vintage porno loops. Celeste said that she’d never felt comfortable enough about her body to do anything like that, but Tillie reassured her that she’s a very attractive woman. Celeste revealed that she and a friend (who happens to be deaf) were auditioning for a local community theater production of “Our Town,” and she treated Tillie to a brief recitation.
Vladimir was digging up the garden, discovering more body parts. Dr. Weeds arrived. Vladimir explained his theory that the hotel must have been built on top of a cemetery:
Vladimir: “They moved the headstones, but they left the bodies!”
Dr. Weeds: “Yes, we all saw the movie.”
Dr. Weeds asked Vladimir how it felt to be in charge of the hotel at the staff meeting, then told him he could be in charge permanently. Vladimir wanted to be called “czar.”
In the lounge, Shi Shi began her benefit concert with an original composition of her own. Tillie and Celeste arrived and requested “Wind Beneath My Wings.” Shi Shi saw no way of getting out of singing it (even locking the doors so nobody else could get in), but luckily for her, the scene ended.
After the concert, Tillie remained in the lounge, still waiting for the song. Mad Dog worried that the FBI agent was there to investigate their illicit affair. Outside, some eager patrons pounded on the locked doors to get in for Man Night.
Ebenezer led Alderman Snuff into the garden (repeating the revolving-door antics on the way). There was no sign of the bodies, but Alderman asked Ebenezer about the Caponés (even though he never got the name right). Ebenezer remembered the hotel’s former manager Shaky, and his mysterious “fishing trip.” Mad Dog entered and asked Alderman what he was investigating. Mad Dog was relieved to learn it was just murder and not his affair with Tillie. Mad Dog accidentally spilled the beans about the Caponés’ mob ties, then launched into a lengthy, semi-coherent rant about the FBI and the War Powers Act.
Vladimir and Shi Shi tallied up the benefit’s receipts using the Gregorio’s new computer, concluding that the hotel was now “in the pink.” While counting, Vladimir began dismantling the computer. As he attached some wires to his head, he declared “Now I will have all the power I need…when I plug myself into internet.”
Alderman Snuff awoke in the garden, still puzzled by Mad Dog’s ravings. Dr. Weeds entered (avoiding the revolving door). Weeds and Alderman confronted each other, going from threatening to reminiscing to flirting. Alderman remembered Dr. Weeds’ late wife Bianca Weeds, horticulturist to the stars. (“How fitting that you would take up her name and her interests!”) Dr. Weeds led Alderman through a secret passage to room 43, the Caponés’ headquarters. Weeds attempted to lure Alderman into the meat locker, but Alderman insisted that Weeds go in first. Inside the meat locker, Weeds showed Alderman where the bodies (well, one body, anyway) were hidden.
The action began even before the introductions were finished, as Dr. Weeds was confronted by a detective investigating the mysterious disappearances at the hotel. But no sooner had the snoop started asking questions than Weeds silenced him—permanently.
Vladimir was installing the hotel’s new computer when Ebenezer stopped by the front desk. After Vladimir attempted to explain the wondrous device to the technologically-challenged old man, Ebenezer invited Vlad to the garden (as Dr. Weeds had requested last episode).
Ebenezer: “Have you ever been…to the GARDEN?”
Vladimir: “This is a metaphor, yes?”
Ebenezer: “I feel dirty for some reason now.”
Tillie and Mad Dog were in bed together, making passionate love. (Fortunately for the audience, the lights were down.) Afterwards, Mad Dog declared the depths of his passion, though he wondered whether it cast doubts on his manliness.
Celeste was cleaning up in the lobby when undercover FBI investigator Alderman Snuff entered. They summoned Vladimir to check Alderman in. As his cover, Alderman claimed to be a rubber-band salesman, but Vladimir saw through him—mainly because he signed the register “Det. Alderman Snuff.” (“Uh, that’s right, I work for the Det Rubber Band company.”) Vladimir knowingly nodded at Alderman, and they exchanged a few words in Russian. Vladimir inadvertently blurted out Alderman’s secret to Celeste.
Dr. Weeds paid a visit to Shi Shi’s room.
Dr. Weeds: “I brought you some flowers.”
Shi Shi: “But I thought you hated flowers.”
Dr. Weeds: “Well, they’ll die soon.”
Dr. Weeds revealed that he recently visited Shi Shi’s family in Brunswick, and got to know her father Trevor (a.k.a. Bubba) well. He made some veiled threats, and offered to provide protection for her family if she’ll do him a favor. He informed her that a “bad man” will be in the garden soon, and handed her a knife.
Ebenezer led Vladimir out to the garden (after some shenanigans with the hotel’s revolving door). Vladimir was profoundly moved and mellowed by the wonders of nature. He decided to take part in the gardening process by doing some digging and planting of his own. No sooner had he started digging than he made a grisly discovery—a severed arm, with a green thumb.
Alderman Snuff stopped by the bar. In response to Alderman’s request for “anything non-alcoholic,” Mad Dog served him up some Chivas Regal. 6 ½ hours later, the completely blotto Alderman started asking questions about the disappearance of the Birdman of Little Five Points. Mad Dog’s sinister, enigmatic reply: “There’s a lot of evil here.” Alderman fell off his stool.
Being in charge of the Hotel Gregorio while Cecil is away, Vladimir held a staff meeting, asking the hotel crew to brainstorm some ways to drum up business. Celeste volunteered to wear a G-shaped costume and be the hotel’s mascot. Vladimir asked if anyone could fold napkins into fun, decorative shapes (Celeste: “Is square fun?”). Shi Shi mentioned her upcoming benefit concert (to replace the Trans Am her cousin lost in the tornado), and Celeste cajoled her into singing “Windy.” Mad Dog was completely exasperated by the chaos and unmanliness of it all.
Still drunk, Alderman Snuff found his way to the 13th floor and met Ebenezer. Alderman explained his inebriation by showing Ebenezer his medication. Ebenezer poured the bottle out onto the table, and the two of them raced to gobble down all the pills. By this time, Alderman could no longer keep his cover story straight, claiming to be a veterinarian. (Ebenezer: “What war?”) Alderman soon abandoned the pretense and revealed he’s an FBI agent investigating the disappearance of the Birdman and the three guys from Man Night—all of whom were FBI operatives themselves. Ebenezer suggested that Alderman meet Dr. Weeds. At the mention of Weeds' name, Alderman immediately sobered up.
In the bar, Tillie was showing Celeste how to fold napkins. A quick study, Celeste soon produced a masterful “bird of paradise.” Tillie reminisced about her wild days with F. Scott Fitzgerald and her career in vintage porno loops. Celeste said that she’d never felt comfortable enough about her body to do anything like that, but Tillie reassured her that she’s a very attractive woman. Celeste revealed that she and a friend (who happens to be deaf) were auditioning for a local community theater production of “Our Town,” and she treated Tillie to a brief recitation.
Vladimir was digging up the garden, discovering more body parts. Dr. Weeds arrived. Vladimir explained his theory that the hotel must have been built on top of a cemetery:
Vladimir: “They moved the headstones, but they left the bodies!”
Dr. Weeds: “Yes, we all saw the movie.”
Dr. Weeds asked Vladimir how it felt to be in charge of the hotel at the staff meeting, then told him he could be in charge permanently. Vladimir wanted to be called “czar.”
In the lounge, Shi Shi began her benefit concert with an original composition of her own. Tillie and Celeste arrived and requested “Wind Beneath My Wings.” Shi Shi saw no way of getting out of singing it (even locking the doors so nobody else could get in), but luckily for her, the scene ended.
After the concert, Tillie remained in the lounge, still waiting for the song. Mad Dog worried that the FBI agent was there to investigate their illicit affair. Outside, some eager patrons pounded on the locked doors to get in for Man Night.
Ebenezer led Alderman Snuff into the garden (repeating the revolving-door antics on the way). There was no sign of the bodies, but Alderman asked Ebenezer about the Caponés (even though he never got the name right). Ebenezer remembered the hotel’s former manager Shaky, and his mysterious “fishing trip.” Mad Dog entered and asked Alderman what he was investigating. Mad Dog was relieved to learn it was just murder and not his affair with Tillie. Mad Dog accidentally spilled the beans about the Caponés’ mob ties, then launched into a lengthy, semi-coherent rant about the FBI and the War Powers Act.
Vladimir and Shi Shi tallied up the benefit’s receipts using the Gregorio’s new computer, concluding that the hotel was now “in the pink.” While counting, Vladimir began dismantling the computer. As he attached some wires to his head, he declared “Now I will have all the power I need…when I plug myself into internet.”
Alderman Snuff awoke in the garden, still puzzled by Mad Dog’s ravings. Dr. Weeds entered (avoiding the revolving door). Weeds and Alderman confronted each other, going from threatening to reminiscing to flirting. Alderman remembered Dr. Weeds’ late wife Bianca Weeds, horticulturist to the stars. (“How fitting that you would take up her name and her interests!”) Dr. Weeds led Alderman through a secret passage to room 43, the Caponés’ headquarters. Weeds attempted to lure Alderman into the meat locker, but Alderman insisted that Weeds go in first. Inside the meat locker, Weeds showed Alderman where the bodies (well, one body, anyway) were hidden.
Monday, June 9, 2008
Season 3, Episode 3: Man Night
Episode 3: Man Night
Cecil and Vladimir discussed the murder of the Birdman (and his birds, who were turned into a plate of hot wings). Then Vladimir revealed he'd raised $25,000 for the hotel last night.
Dr. Weeds paid a visit to Tillie. They had a heart-to-heart talk, and she got him to show his softer side. He confided his real name (Steven Croup) and how he got his facial scar (he fell off the teacup ride at DisneyWorld). He also revealed that he'd recently seen a woman who looked exactly like his late wife--teen singing sensation Christina Aguilera.
It was "Man Night" at the bar, with Mad Dog pouring out the drinks for Weeds, Ebenezer, Cecil, and three guys from the audience who just took it upon themselves to get up on the stage. ShiShi came out and started singing "Total Eclipse of the Heart."
Afterwards, ShiShi was talking to Celeste. Celeste told ShiShi how she and Vladimir tried selling themselves on the street last night, and how, even though she didn't get any offers on her body, the important thing was that she was willing to make that sacrifice.
Ebenezer was sitting in the lounge, waiting for Mad Dog to bring him his prunes. Dr. Weeds pulled up a chair and sat down with him. Weeds told Ebenezer that he was the one who grew the prunes, and that he can keep the prunes coming if Eb would do him a couple of favors. First, he wanted Ebenezer to bring Vladimir out to the garden. Second, he wanted Ebenezer to use his spiritual powers to summon up the spirit of his old friend Jun Denver (the Japanese John Denver impersonator). Ebenezer agreed, and was soon channeling a heavily-accented version of "Annie's Song."
After Dr. Weeds had left, ShiShi stopped by the lounge and chatted with Ebenezer about her performance and her problems. Ebenezer told her: "I don't understand you, missy...you're a lovely young woman, but you drink like a sailor, you curse like a sailor...you DRESS like a sailor once he's crossed the equator..."
Dr. Weeds called the three guys from Man Night back up on stage. He told them he could use some assistance in his laboratory...some young, strong bodies to help with his experiments. Then he slit their throats.
Cecil and Vladimir discussed the murder of the Birdman (and his birds, who were turned into a plate of hot wings). Then Vladimir revealed he'd raised $25,000 for the hotel last night.
Dr. Weeds paid a visit to Tillie. They had a heart-to-heart talk, and she got him to show his softer side. He confided his real name (Steven Croup) and how he got his facial scar (he fell off the teacup ride at DisneyWorld). He also revealed that he'd recently seen a woman who looked exactly like his late wife--teen singing sensation Christina Aguilera.
It was "Man Night" at the bar, with Mad Dog pouring out the drinks for Weeds, Ebenezer, Cecil, and three guys from the audience who just took it upon themselves to get up on the stage. ShiShi came out and started singing "Total Eclipse of the Heart."
Afterwards, ShiShi was talking to Celeste. Celeste told ShiShi how she and Vladimir tried selling themselves on the street last night, and how, even though she didn't get any offers on her body, the important thing was that she was willing to make that sacrifice.
Ebenezer was sitting in the lounge, waiting for Mad Dog to bring him his prunes. Dr. Weeds pulled up a chair and sat down with him. Weeds told Ebenezer that he was the one who grew the prunes, and that he can keep the prunes coming if Eb would do him a couple of favors. First, he wanted Ebenezer to bring Vladimir out to the garden. Second, he wanted Ebenezer to use his spiritual powers to summon up the spirit of his old friend Jun Denver (the Japanese John Denver impersonator). Ebenezer agreed, and was soon channeling a heavily-accented version of "Annie's Song."
After Dr. Weeds had left, ShiShi stopped by the lounge and chatted with Ebenezer about her performance and her problems. Ebenezer told her: "I don't understand you, missy...you're a lovely young woman, but you drink like a sailor, you curse like a sailor...you DRESS like a sailor once he's crossed the equator..."
Dr. Weeds called the three guys from Man Night back up on stage. He told them he could use some assistance in his laboratory...some young, strong bodies to help with his experiments. Then he slit their throats.
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