Episode 7: Something Pricky This Way Comes
Mortally injured by a blow to the head, King Plough lay dying on the battlefield when Francis of the Rock People brought him the enchanted alabaster sword. As the sword was placed in Plough’s hand, its magicks instantly brought him back from the brink of death. However, as soon as he opened his mouth, it became apparent that the sword had not healed the damage to his brain.
Magic Jones held a ceremony to reward Tarquin the Gangly for his bravery in combat, although the actual award (whatever form it may take) was not ready yet. Tarquin confessed that he was now constantly filled with rage and bloodlust, and Jones prescribed some new medicine for him to smoke. Tarquin’s condition was only partially remedied…he still felt an unquenchable urge to kill, but at least he wasn’t angry about it anymore.
At Linens Und Thïngs, Baron Üterrüs informed Chambliss Tucker that he was thinking of diversifying his business interests, and was going to open a pub (or, as he pronounced it, a püb) called “The Poisoned Patron.” Chambliss agreed to run the püb on the condition that Üterrüs learn to pronounce it correctly.
Left alone in the aftermath of the battle, Francis was reflecting on his solitude when he remembered the mystic phrase “Get on down here now!” Friar Kack immediately arrived in answer to the summons. Francis informed Kack that the king’s condition had left them without a leader. Friar Kack revealed that he had gazed into the future using the Kack Ring, and had foreseen that Francis would become a great leader. He had also seen that a new menace would soon come to the kingdom…something even worse than the orcs.
Magic Jones and Prince Kalgon were discussing what to do about King Plough’s sudden retardation. Jones wanted to re-educate the king and restore him to his former self. However, Kalgon wondered whether it was worth keeping an incompetent monarch in power, when it would be so much easier for an “unfortunate accident” to free up the throne for a more capable leader. Jones warned Kalgon that “Those that get too greedy might find themselves on the short end of the greedy stick.”
Baron Üterrüs was up on Skank Mountain, preparing a pentagram to summon a demon.
ÜTERRÜS: “While I am conquering the world fiscally, my demon will be conquering the world physically! Ah, wordplay!”
While Üterrüs was rummaging for the spell’s final ingredient, King Plough wandered through unnoticed, disrupting the pentagram. After Plough wandered off again, Üterrüs returned to his spell, unaware of the damage Plough had done. The Baron summoned forth the greatest, most powerful demon in hell…and was answered by the sudden appearance of a small, floating red imp. This was not quite as impressive as Üterrüs had expected. The creature introduced itself as the demon Prick. The Baron asked Prick to go forth and confirm the reports that the king was ill. Misunderstanding, the demon set out to find out whether the king was an eel.
Francis and Friar Kack journeyed to Castle Post to nominate Francis as the interim King while Plough is incapacitated. Friar Kack informed Francis that he had consulted with his fellow friars, and that they had decreed that the quest for vengeance on the slayer of the dragon Schmegma took precedence over their obedience to Francis. So, although they would still obey Francis, they still had to kill somebody. Since Francis didn’t realize they were talking about Chambliss, he accepted that. King Plough wandered by, followed by Magic Jones. Francis demanded the throne from Jones, warning him that he would take it by force if necessary.
Kalgon snuck into the new pub, where Chambliss greeted him as her first customer offered him a drink of red stuff (“This might be the blood of something!”). Kalgon explained that Plough was unable to rule, but that nobody could succeed him as long as he still lived. Kalgon claimed that his previous reluctance to accept the crown was only an act, that he was secretly eager to become king. Chambliss was upset by this news, since Plough had promised her that she could be his queen. As they argued, King Plough wandered in unnoticed and drank the red stuff.
Tarquin and his ox Thacko were hunting tree-rats inside Chambliss’ Lincoln Navigator, when Tarquin was suddenly alerted by a strange noise coming from an odd instrument. Picking up Chambliss’ cell phone, Tarquin was puzzled by the mysterious voices coming from it…the voices of Chambliss’ husband and children. Not knowing what to make of the strange device, Tarquin decided to take it back to Chambliss.
Baron Üterrüs visited Magic Jones and mocked Jones’ fading powers. Üterrüs recalled how Jones had been his teacher many centuries ago, and they had a flashback to Üterrüs’ childhood. When the young Üterrüs asked to learn about evil wizards and dark magicks, Jones reluctantly agreed that it could be useful to learn evil magic in order to guard against it. Back in the present, Üterrüs pointed out that Jones was thus responsible for sending him down the path of evil.
Francis and Kalgon confronted each other about their ambitions to become the new king. Kalgon argued that the throne was his by right of blood, while Francis insisted that it was his by decree of the monks of Kack Island. The argument went on and on, with neither one budging an inch.
The demon Prick encountered the mentally challenged King Plough wandering through the woods. Prick asked if Plough was the king, but Plough couldn’t remember. Plough showed Prick the dead cat he had found at the side of the road, and Prick suggested that they play a game of “Eat the Cat.” (Prick won.) Prick was impressed that Plough showed no fear of him, and asked Plough to be his friend. Since Prick had just eaten Plough’s only other friend, Plough agreed.
Chambliss was tending bar when Friar Kack came in, explaining that he was looking for the slayer of Schmegma the dragon. Chambliss tried to convince him that Schmegma had died of natural causes, but eventually admitted that she had killed it. As Kack prepared to take his vengeance, Tarquin rushed in to give Chambliss her cell phone. Seeing Chambliss in danger, Tarquin knocked Kack out, then chained him to the wall until they could decide what to do with him.
TO BE CONTINUED…