Monday, October 27, 2008

Season 3, Episode 23: Sometimes Jokes Come True

And now, the thrilling finale!

Episode 23: Sometimes Jokes Come True

The real Cecil Caponé returned, revealing that something had gone wrong with the anesthesia during his plastic surgery, putting him in a coma for three months. He woke up penniless, with all of his identification stolen, but now he was back to reclaim his birthright.

Celeste was cleaning up in the lobby when record producer Danny Corntaster came in, looking for ShiShi. He introduced himself and explained that he wanted to sign ShiShi to his label, Cracktone Records. Celeste was thrilled by the good news. She offered a little demonstration of her own musical talents by singing “The Girl from Ipanema,” and asked Corntaster to keep her in mind as a possible backup singer.

Meanwhile, ShiShi finished her set in the lounge. Dennis congratulated her on her brilliant performance, and observed that true love seemed to inspire better songs than broken hearts. ShiShi agreed that love is “soft as an easy chair,” and used that as a springboard for an elaborate metaphor about her relationship with Dr. Weeds. ShiShi explained that she always sang to work through her pain, and with her upcoming wedding plans, soon she’d have no pain to work through. ShiShi said that she used music to “prey on people’s pain and sadness,” comparing herself to the vulture. Then she tickled Dennis’ tummy.

Bert was talking to MovieFone when the real Cecil arrived. Bert was shocked to see his son back with his original face. Cecil explained what had happened to him, and in turn, Bert explained that an impostor had taken Cecil’s place and was running the Caponé empire. Bert brought Cecil up to speed on some of the important things he’d missed: his mother’s death, Mad Dog’s death, and the temporary destruction of the sun. Bert questioned whether the person he was talking to was really Cecil or another impostor. Cecil tried to prove his identity by recounting a childhood incident when he threw up on Bert’s shoes after riding the Tilt-a-Whirl at Seven Flags over Denver.

Dr. Weeds was booking a room at the Luxor Hotel for his honeymoon, when Dr. Buddy and the other Cecil (The Chosen One) entered. Dr. Weeds told them all about his wedding plans, then showed them the humongous diamond ring he had gotten for ShiShi. He invited them both to the wedding, and asked the Chosen One if he would perform the ceremony. The Chosen One was so moved that he had to leave the room.

Danny Corntaster finally found ShiShi and told her he’d heard her demo tape. He explained that he’d had trouble finding her because her return address in Brunswick no longer existed, but now that he’d tracked her down, he wanted to offer her a “standard celebrity contract” for five albums with Cracktone Records. ShiShi was too thrilled for words.

Celeste was talking to Bert about their plans to have a baby. She explained that she’d read that the chances of conception were better when the man’s blood pressure was elevated. She continued explaining that, while she had her sight back, Sandra and ShiShi had taken her to the Clermont Lounge for her bachelorette party. Celeste showed Bert the moves she’d picked up, and then they rushed to the bedroom to make a baby.

Dr. Buddy visited Dennis’ birdhouse. Buddy explained that he’d heard that Dennis was going to be Dr. Weeds’ best man, and he wanted Dennis to pass along Buddy’s wedding present to Weeds. He showed Dennis a hologram of Dr. Weeds, then asked “Doesn’t it remind you of an icebox?” Dennis was puzzled until Dr. Buddy reminded him about the post-hypnotic command Buddy gave him back in episode 18, to kill the first person he saw after he heard the word “icebox.” The command took effect, and Dennis obeyed it…by lunging at Dr. Buddy’s throat.

Hanging around outside the Matchlight Theatre, the Chosen One overheard a few conversations among the Season One characters. The real Cecil arrived and confronted him about his theft of Cecil’s identity. The Chosen One reminded Cecil of all those times Cecil had wished to be someone else, and explained that he had granted that wish. He’d given Cecil the opportunity to start over, but now he’s just come back to his old life instead. “What are you, the Trophy Genie?” Cecil asked. The Chosen One said “Yes.” Cecil said that if that was true, then he had one wish left. He wanted to take over the Caponé empire like he was supposed to. The Chosen One replied: “You’ve had thirty years to do that! I did it in six months!” The Chosen One was perfectly willing to depart, but warned Cecil: “You’ll have to deal with your life.”

Dr. Weeds and ShiShi were going over china patterns for their wedding. Weeds gave ShiShi the huge diamond ring, and she was awestruck. Suddenly, Danny Corntaster knocked on the door. ShiShi explained to Weeds that Cracktone Records had offered her an incredible contract, but if she took it, she would have to move to L.A. Even worse, Corntaster didn’t think being married would suit ShiShi’s image. Rather than stand in the way of her lifelong dream, Dr. Weeds reluctantly stepped aside.

Bert and Celeste were basking in the afterglow when the two Cecils arrived. The real Cecil told his father that the impostor had some kind of mind-clouding power, that he had even made him believe that ridiculous “Trophy Genie” story. Bert revealed that all he’d ever wanted was for Cecil to take his proper place in the Caponé family…then he took out the trophy and thanked the Chosen One. Yes, the Chosen One truly was the Trophy Genie.

The Real Cecil: “But I was just joking!”
Bert: “Sometimes jokes come true.”

The whole switch had been in answer to Bert’s wish, not Cecil’s. Since Cecil had never proven capable of taking over, the Chosen One had done it in his place, and now he was ready for Cecil to move into the opening. Cecil accepted. The Chosen One prepared to depart, but Bert stopped him and mentioned all the things that needed to be fixed: the destruction of Brunswick, the death of Mad Dog Maddox…oh, and Vladimir, too.

The Chosen One: “I AM all-powerful, but just to teach you a lesson, you can choose only one.”

The responsibility of the final wish fell on Cecil’s shoulders. After struggling with the decision, Cecil chose to restore Brunswick. The Chosen One phoned up some unknown powers and said “Yeah, bring it back.” The Chosen One vanished, leaving only his robe behind.

Dennis dragged Dr. Buddy back to Dr. Weeds’ garden and explained about Buddy’s plan to make Dennis kill Weeds. Dr. Buddy denied it, claiming he only wanted to show Weeds the hologram as a wedding present. Dr. Weeds informed them there wasn’t going to be a wedding, since he wasn’t going to stand in the way of ShiShi’s fame. Dr. Buddy suggested that they force ShiShi into the marriage. Dennis scolded Dr. Buddy, reminding him that he used to be a caring psychotherapist, and that Dr. Weeds needed the old Dr. Buddy now. Dr. Weeds said that he’d forced many people to do many things in the past, but now he wanted ShiShi to want him for herself. In response to this statement, Dennis started singing “I Want You to Want Me.” Dr. Weeds glared at Dennis. Dennis shut up, but the audience kept on singing.

ShiShi and Danny Corntaster were on the bus to L.A. when Dr. Weeds came running up alongside it. Dr. Weeds shot out the tires to stop the bus. Inside, ShiShi was deeply torn between singing stardom and the man she loved. Outside, Dr. Weeds reminded ShiShi how he had put on his eyepatch in response to his wife’s death, because he thought he’d never look at anything beautiful again. Then he yanked off his patch and declared that he wanted to look at her for the rest of his life. ShiShi told Corntaster that she now realized she didn’t need the love of the masses…just the love of one man. She tore up the contract, got off the bus and had an emotional reunion with Dr. Weeds. Suddenly, Bert and Cecil ran up to the bus and yanked Danny Corntaster out at gunpoint. The Caponés then executed Corntaster for having produced “The Thong Song.”

Nine months later, ShiShi and Celeste gave birth simultaneously. As a tribute to his feathered friend, Dr. Weeds announced that they were naming their child “Dennis Jr.” (ShiShi: “She’ll get over it in time.”) Bert and Celeste named their son “Christian.”


Coming up next: The Space Station Season!

Monday, October 20, 2008

Season 3, Episode 22: Domo Arigato, Mr. Botto

Episode 22: Domo Arigato, Mr. Botto

Dr. Weeds showed Cecil a slideshow of his secret mission to Harvard, concluding with his discovery of his long-lost twin sister. Cecil may be the all-knowing Chosen One, but even HE was surprised by what Weeds and his sister got up to.

Vladimir was at the front desk when he met Botto the Bandito-Bot, the last of a race of Mexican robots created by the ancient Mayan astronauts. Vladimir invited Botto to join his revolution against Dr. Buddy Flowers. Botto accepted, explaining that Dr. Buddy (or, as his people knew him, “Dr. Amigo Flores”) had wiped out his own planet. Botto explained that Dr. Buddy moved from world to world, devouring the populace and escaping by means of “The Vortex Portal,” a device resembling a giant skull with swirling eyes.

Bert & Celeste were having a quiet evening at home, trying on matching sailor caps and planning their trip in the Winnebago. Bert tried to sound happy, but couldn’t hide the fact that he was having trouble adjusting to a peaceful life. The conversation drifted to Cecil, and Celeste agreed to try to make peace with her new stepson. Celeste suggested inviting Cecil along on the honeymoon so she could get to know him. Bert couldn’t figure out a delicate way to explain why this was a bad idea.

Colonel Buttry Butts arrived at the hotel and found Dennis disguised as a dog. Dennis explained that the guests felt more comfortable dealing with a puppy than a vulture. The Colonel told Dennis that the Butts family fortune had been lost, and that he was reduced to actually looking for a job. Dennis hired Col. Butts to take over Mad Dog’s post as the Gregorio’s bartender.

Dr. Weeds took ShiShi out to Speed Zone. After Weeds won a plastic spider ring for her, ShiShi muttered “There’d better be a diamond in it.” She then poured out her heart about how Celeste’s wedding had rekindled her own desire for marriage. When Weeds brought up his first wife’s death, ShiShi assured him she would never leave him: “Even if I die on you, I’ll haunt you!” Dr. Weeds got down on his knee and proposed, suggesting they get married in Vegas.

Cecil confronted Dr. Buddy. Buddy knew Cecil had foretold his death, but he believed his new cybernetic arm would enable him to thwart the prophecy. Buddy and Cecil fought for a while, then Buddy revealed that he had secretly transformed the entire hotel into a battle station. Buddy pressed a button at the front desk.

After intermission, we picked up where we left off. Dr. Buddy revealed that that button had just destroyed Brunswick, as payback for ShiShi’s rejection of him. Buddy explained that Cecil’s powers were raw and untrained. He attempted (and failed) to strike a dramatic pose on top of the front desk, then invited Cecil to join him. Cecil accepted, sealing the bargain with a passionate kiss.

ShiShi entered the bar and met Col. Butts. After getting over the initial shock of the Colonel’s resemblance to Mad Dog, ShiShi introduced herself, and they bonded as fellow small-town Southerners. (ShiShi: “You’d love Brunswick. It’s such a peaceful town…they have no weapons!”) Col. Butts offered ShiShi some Dickel whiskey, then regaled her with the story of George Dickel (despite an interruption from the announcer).

Dr. Weeds went to his garden and discovered a letter from Dr. Buddy, informing him that Vladimir had prepared the salad that killed Weeds’ wife.

Approaching Dr. Buddy’s lair, Botto sensed that the Chosen One had turned to the Gay side of the Force. Botto told Vladimir that he was prepared to sacrifice himself to destroy the Vortex Portal. Botto struggled to express the new, unfamiliar feeling he was experiencing for Vladimir…a feeling called “friendship.” They prepared for the final battle, crying “FREEDOM!”

Going through the radio stations in their Winnebago, Bert and Celeste were shocked to hear the news of Brunswick’s destruction.

Bert: “The people of Brunswick are a peace-loving people! They have no weapons of destruction!”
Celeste: “I don’t know, have you ever tried pork rinds?”

Bert felt a sense of obligation to do something for Brunswick and Georgia. Celeste suggested that they have a baby. Bert agreed: “If you’ll let me find out about Brunswick, I’ll knock you up.”

Dennis showed Col. Butts to Mad Dog’s secret liquor vault. Col. Butts confessed his deep feelings of despair at his fall to the lowly station of bartender, his utter poverty, and his inability to fit in the modern world. Butts told Dennis that he planned to end it all. Dennis respected his decision, and asked Butts’ permission to feed upon his carcass.

Dr. Buddy and Cecil were completing their training when Botto & Vladimir burst in. Cecil and Buddy prepared for combat, but Botto revealed that, rather than attempt to take them on directly, he was going to defeat them by destroying their escape route. Botto announced that he was going to throw himself into the Vortex and “blow it all to fuck!” Cecil used his powers to force Vladimir to shoot the Bandito-Bot. Vladimir resisted Cecil’s influence just long enough for Botto to destroy the Vortex, then Vladimir lost control and opened fire, shooting everything in sight…including himself.

Bert and Celeste arrived at ShiShi’s place and told her they’d heard “the terrible news.” Thinking they were referring to her engagement to Dr. Weeds, she replied that it was the most wonderful news ever. Bert and Celeste were appalled by ShiShi’s callousness, and they argued for quite some time before they realized they weren’t talking about the same thing. To explain what was going on, Bert turned on the TV to a Ted Koppel report about the destruction of Brunswick.

Dr. Weeds was drinking in the lounge with two guys when Dennis came in. Weeds told Dennis the good news about his upcoming wedding, and invited Dennis to be his best man. To demonstrate his sincerity, Dr. Weeds killed the two guys and offered them to Dennis as a pre-wedding banquet. Suddenly, the mortally wounded Vladimir staggered in. Dr. Weeds told Vladimir that he knew his wife’s death was Vladimir’s fault…then he thanked him for releasing him from that passionless marriage and freeing him to find his true love, ShiShi. Vladimir told Weeds that he and “Mexibot” (“That’s Botto!”) had sacrificed themselves to stop Dr. Buddy. Vladimir was about to tell one last thing to Dennis, but collapsed before he could say it. Dr. Weeds decided to honor Vladimir’s heroism by burying him in the garden, rather than letting Dennis feed on him.

Colonel Buttry Butts stood on the roof of the Hotel Gregorio, watching the sunset. The ghosts of Vladimir and Botto appeared, beckoning him. The Colonel saw Dennis rubbing his stomach and smacking his beak. He wished Dennis “Bon appetit,” then jumped.


Monday, October 13, 2008

Season 3, Episode 21: A New Hope

Episode 21: A New Hope

Cecil, the Chosen One, sent his new disciple Dr. Weeds on a holy mission to Harvard.

Dr. Buddy revealed that he had emerged victorious from his swordfight with Colonel Buttry Butts, but at a terrible price: he had lost his left arm and half his mustache.

Vladimir and Dennis were playing darts in the lounge. Dennis asked Vladimir about Tillie’s absence, and Vladimir responded that he was over his broken heart and was once again a studly man with the ladies. They exchanged some advice about the opposite sex.

ShiShi and Celeste went to visit the comatose Bert in the hospital. ShiShi suddenly noticed the bandaged wounds on Celeste’s wrists, and urged her not to take the coward’s way out. She reminded Celeste that she was a strong person, and told her to use that strength to go on living. She then tried to tell Celeste that Bert wasn’t worth it, being a mob boss, killer, and all-around terrible person. When Celeste pointed out that ShiShi’s own boyfriend, Dr. Weeds, was equally terrible, ShiShi realized she had no right to interfere with their relationship. Vladimir stopped by and put some flowers in Bert’s hand. ShiShi tried to lighten the mood by blowing bubbles.

Leaving the hospital, Vladimir ran into Cecil, who was wearing the traditional black Tiki robes. Cecil told Vladimir about his powers and duties as the Chosen One, explaining the burden of seeing the future and knowing when everybody around him is going to die. Vladimir was curious about his own death, but knew to leave well enough alone and not ask. Cecil told Vladimir that he had to kill the alien Dr. Buddy, but had no experience with such revolutionary matters. Luckily, Vladimir knew all about revolutions.

ShiShi met the dejected Dr. Buddy in a bar. Buddy poured out his heart about losing Mad Dog, 111x9, and his arm, concluding “Now I have nothing.” ShiShi replied “Maybe nothing is all you deserve.” As ShiShi pointed out all his evil deeds and gloated over his comeuppance, Dr. Buddy inexplicably began stripping.

Cecil arrived in Bert’s hotel room and laid hands upon his father, miraculously healing him. Bert asked if he had been technically dead at any point, and Cecil told him “Yes.” Bert rejoiced that his son had fulfilled the Caponé family tradition of killing his father. They hugged.

Vladimir ran into Dr. Buddy in line at the grocery store. Buddy told Vladimir that he believed the disappearances of Tillie Feinstein and 111x9 were connected, and tried to get Vladimir to help him find them. Vladimir refused, but then Buddy revealed that he knew Vladimir’s secret…before working at the Gregorio, Vladimir was the salad-maker at the Olive Garden! Vladimir started wrestling Dr. Buddy.

Dennis was helping ShiShi paint her room, and they commiserated over their problems. Dennis suggested that ShiShi ask herself who she really is and what she really wants. ShiShi told him he was starting to sound like Dr. Buddy.

Celeste found Bert packing up and preparing to leave the hospital. Bert explained that Cecil had brought him back, adding that Cecil had only been fulfilling his family obligation by shooting him. However, Celeste was still angry that her wedding had been spoiled. Bert told her they’d have all the time they needed together now. By “killing” his father, Cecil took control of the Caponé empire. Bert was now out of the gangster business, and free to start a new life with Celeste.

Cecil materialized in ShiShi’s room. Knowing how upset she was about Dr. Weeds’ mysterious absence, Cecil explained that he had sent him on a holy quest to Harvard. He told ShiShi that she was Dr. Weeds’ anchor, the only thing that gave Weeds stability…which is why Cecil had to separate them.

Bert stopped by the hotel and talked to Dennis, who was startled by Bert’s astounding recovery. Bert explained that he was out of the family business, and that Cecil had taken his place. Dennis was worried that Cecil didn’t like him very much, but Bert reassured him that Cecil wouldn’t let those feelings get in the way because Dennis was a “cracker-jack” consigliere. Dennis was sorry to see Bert go, but wished him the best of luck.

Celeste entered Cecil’s office, presented him with a bill for all her wedding expenses, then started ranting about how he’d ruined everything. Cecil tried to explain to her that he had to “kill” Bert to gain control of the Caponé empire and use its power to save the world (besides which, he brought him back afterwards), but Celeste didn’t want to hear it.

Bert was meditating in the garden when Vladimir entered and congratulated him on his return. Vladimir asked Bert to help in the battle against Dr. Buddy, but Bert refused to be pulled back in. As a last-ditch effort, Vladimir gave Bert the puppy-dog eyes.

Vladimir: “We need your help. I am only one man. Together, we are two men!”

After telling off some Little Five Points beggars, Dennis ran into Dr. Buddy. Dennis asked Buddy where his missing arm was, since it would make a tasty snack for the vulture. Buddy observed that the two of them shared a love of human flesh, then offered Dennis his left arm if the bird would join him in his quest to conquer the Earth and use humanity as food. Dennis replied that he would never betray the Caponé family, then pointed out that Buddy was doing fine for himself without taking over the world. Dennis asked Buddy what he was living on now, and Buddy pointed to the L5P beggars. “God bless you, son!” Dennis exclaimed.

ShiShi closed out the evening with a stirring performance of “I Will Always Love You.”


Monday, October 6, 2008

Season 3, Episode 20: Wedding Bell Blues

Guest-starring Mary Kraft as Sandra Seaver and Chris Blair as Chick Starley!

Episode 20: Wedding Bell Blues

Dennis the vulture was working the front desk when Colonel Buttry Butts, Mad Dog’s long-lost, separated-at-birth conjoined twin brother arrived, looking for Mad Dog. Dennis broke the news that Mad Dog had been fired into the sun last week, but the Colonel didn’t believe him. So, Dennis gave him a ridiculously overpriced room.

Celeste was preparing for the wedding with her hearing-impaired sister Sandra Seaver, who was going to perform the ceremony as an ordained Baptist minister. Sandra was shocked to learn that Bert wasn’t Baptist, but all was forgiven once she found out he had a nice ass.

Bert and Cecil were also preparing for the wedding. Bert asked Cecil to be his best man, and assured him (or tried to, anyway) that Celeste would never replace his mother. Cecil told Bert that he’d found great confidence since becoming the Chosen One, adding that he now knew everything, including the future. Bert tried to get Cecil to tell him how the marriage would work out, but Cecil convinced him to take the future on faith.

Dr. Weeds and ShiShi were out on a date. Dr. Weeds warned ShiShi not to get too excited about the wedding, since he was plotting revenge against Bert by ruining it. ShiShi tried to persuade Weeds to give his evil ways a rest and let his enemy have a shot at happiness. Weeds began kissing ShiShi’s arm, suggesting that they ride off in Bert’s limo. ShiShi started to give in.

Dr. Buddy and 111x9 were having an argument in their alien lair. Distraught over Mad Dog’s death, Buddy blamed 111x9 for spoiling their relationship. Buddy declared “You’re no son, you’re no son of mine” and threw 111x9 out.

Dennis was still at the front desk when Chick Starley arrived. Dennis was so starstruck that he offered Chick the best room in the hotel, even though it meant kicking Col. Butts out. Chick asked about Celeste (although he couldn’t get her name right). When Dennis told him Celeste was getting married, Chick showed him a letter she sent him (in braille) telling him “No matter what happens, I’m all yours.” Dennis warned Chick that Celeste’s husband-to-be was a big man in the mafia (“Not that there is such a thing”), but Chick was unimpressed, having taken down the mob in “Danger Cop 4.”

Dr. Weeds met Col. Butts. When the Colonel asked Weeds if he had seen Mad Dog, Weeds showed him the sun and explained that Mad Dog had sacrificed himself to reignite it. This time, Col. Butts believed the story, and was heartbroken by the sad news. Dr. Weeds suggested they split a bottle of Mad Dog 20-20 in his brother’s memory.

All dressed up in her bridesmaid’s gown, ShiShi was decorating the lounge with Sandra. Sandra reminisced about the last time she visited the Gregorio, recalling how Mad Dog kept pouring liquor down her throat and then, next thing she knew, she woke up in the panhandle of Oklahoma. ShiShi sadly informed Sandra of Mad Dog’s death, and they went behind the bar to drink to his memory. Boy, did they drink to his memory!

Dr. Weeds and Col. Butts couldn’t find any Mad Dog 20-20, so they sat down with four bottles of Little Kings Creamy Brew and drank them in rapid succession.

Celeste was nervously waiting in her room when Chick Starley knocked on the door. After Chick got over the initial shock of realizing she could see, Celeste tried to shoo him out of her room. Chick showed her the letter, explaining “You sent it to my manager, Erich Mees.” Celeste denied having written the letter. Chick tried to use the patented Starley charm on Celeste, but it had no effect on her. Finally, Celeste offered to fix Chick up with her sister Sandra.

Dennis was shopping for wedding gifts with Bert. After buttering up Bert with some flattery, Dennis asked to be the best man. When Bert explained that he’d given that position to Cecil, Dennis threw a tantrum and started tossing things around. Dennis launched into a heated, emotional rant, and Bert responded with a calm, cool-headed threat. Dennis then asked “And who will feed upon YOUR carcass when you’re dead?”

Cecil was at the front desk when a tearful 111x9 came by. Being the Chosen One, Cecil knew that Dr. Buddy had thrown 111x9 out. Cecil initially gloated over 111x9’s misfortune (not to mention the head wound from when Cecil shot him last week), but his heart softened when 111x9 told him all he wanted was a little love. Cecil reassured 111x9 that Dr. Buddy was going to die soon, then he invited the boy to be the ring-bearer at the wedding.

Colonel Buttry Butts met Dr. Buddy, who mistook him for Mad Dog. After Col. Butts explained that he was Mad Dog’s brother, Dr. Buddy introduced himself as Mad Dog’s lover. The Colonel was dismayed to learn that his brother had been a “man-kisser.” Upset by Col. Butts’ homophobic attitude, Buddy exchanged some heated words with him. Finally, Dr. Buddy pulled out his lightsaber, and Col. Butts raised his cane in defense.

Cecil was waiting in the lounge when Dr. Weeds arrived. Dr. Weeds suddenly pulled a gun, explaining to Cecil that this would surely ruin Bert’s big day. Weeds fired five times, but Cecil was totally unaffected. Weeds realized that Cecil was indeed the Chosen One, and dropped to his knees in awe. Cecil explained to Weeds that he had foreseen Weeds’ disruption of the wedding, and that he approved. Just then, everybody arrived to begin the ceremony. As Bert was thanking the guests, Chick Starley came in. Consumed by jealous fury, Bert demanded to know what Chick was doing there. Dr. Weeds revealed that he had sent the letter inviting Chick. Bert ordered Cecil to kill Dr. Weeds, but Cecil shot Bert instead. Just then, Celeste began walking up the aisle. Gravely wounded but determined to go through with the wedding, Bert got to his feet and staggered up the aisle as Sandra began the ceremony. Suddenly, Dr. Buddy and Colonel Butts charged in, still engaged in their swordfight.