Episode 15: Go Tell It to the Mountain (Or: Two Elves and a Funeral)
At the funeral for Kalgon, the master thief and singing waiter, everybody came by to pay their respects. Amongst all the remembrances, Kalgon’s demi-son Eileve swore to carry on Kalgon’s work, which he did by stealing the gravestone.
Having grown to forty times his original size (as a result of being struck by two enchanted swords), Francis of the Rock People was imprisoned in a special dungeon. Eileve snuck in and offered Francis the key to the dungeon, but Francis considered himself a political prisoner and would only accept freedom if the king agreed to his demands.
Tarquin was hanging out with Chambliss Tucker, who had undergone elfin plastic surgery to fit in with his people. When she complained about the painful procedure, Tarquin started pontificating about all the pain that comes with being an elf. As Tarquin spoke, Chambliss suddenly came up behind him and held a Lady Schick to his throat. Tarquin turned the tables by threatening her with the enchanted pillow. Chambliss turned the tables yet again by throwing her cloak over his head.
Magic Jones visited Baron Üterrüs to discuss what to do about Eileve and his magic wand. The two old enemies reminisced about their past battles, complete with flashbacks.
King Plough was claiming some land in the forest when her ran into the wandering elf Keblaar. Keblaar explained that he had come to visit his old friend Tarquin, who had been banished from their tribe. They got to know each other, and Plough told Keblaar about the murder of his son Kalgon.
PLOUGH: “I will take his killer’s entrails and serve them on a steaming plate! That is, the entrails will be steaming…the plate will be room temperature.”
Chambliss visited Francis in the dungeon. When he asked if she considered him a monster, she reassured him that his size didn’t make him a monster…it made him a mountain. She told him that people loved mountains, and that he could be loved if he let people climb him, build skylifts to get to the top of him, and set up slushie stands on him.
Tarquin was lying unconscious in Chambliss’ Lincoln Navigator when Magic Jones and Baron Üterrüs burst in. Tarquin woke up and told them that Chambliss had tried to kill him “by smoth…suff…not being able to breathe under this thing!” Üterrüs explained that they were searching for Eileve, the mutual son of both Üterrüs and Tarquin (as well as Kalgon and Dewey Claw). Tarquin used his elfin powers to locate Eileve, who was with King Plough in the Slop Bucket. When the Baron revealed that they were planning to destroy Eileve, Tarquin assumed a fighting stance, but Magic Jones used his powers to make Tarquin forget that information.
At the Slop Bucket, Eileve met King Plough and introduced himself as Kalgon’s son, making him Plough’s grandson. Plough was overjoyed to learn that he had a grandson, and declared Eileve his heir to the throne. Keblaar the elf was amazed to witness such a historic occasion. Plough offered Keblaar the post of Royal Secretary and told him to take notes about this meeting. Eileve explained the plan to bring joy to the kingdom by turning Francis into a mountain park. Plough liked the idea, and ordered Francis’ release.
Shortly afterwards, King Plough visited Francis’ dungeon. He officially declared Francis a political prisoner, then pardoned him. The King asked Francis to become a mountain theme park, and Francis eagerly accepted.
Keblaar was compiling data when Chambliss came in and introduced herself as the Queen. Keblaar was amazed to see an elf-eared queen in a human kingdom, remarking that it would make it that much easier when the elves take over. She thanked him for the information, then asked him to put that plan on hold. She ordered him to find two miles of steel (or, as the elves call it, “silveril”) cable to build cable cars for the mountain park.
Tarquin stopped by the Slop Bucket and found Eileve, who explained that he had taken over Kalgon’s position as the waiter. As Eileve set the table, Kalgon noticed that it was covered with notes written in Elvish. Alerted by the notes, Tarquin sensed the presence of Keblaar, his old childhood friend (and romantic rival). Tarquin sang a song recounting how Keblaar won the hearts of Tarquin’s two girlfriends, Betty and Veronica.
Magic Jones and Baron Üterrüs’ search for Eileve was shown in a series of paintings.
Chambliss Tucker christened Francis the new Heritage Mountain Park. Francis found this the most rewarding experience of his entire existence. When Chambliss started making plans to dig into Francis and build high-priced vacation lodges, Francis started to have second thoughts. When she started fantasizing about building a water park where she could sleep with all the nubile male lifeguards, Francis REALLY got cold feet.
FRANCIS: “It sounds like you’re just using me…and a lot of young men.”
Tarquin was relaxing in his treehouse when his old friend Keblaar came to visit. Tarquin loaned Keblaar a couple of miles of silveril cable, and they reminisced about old times. Tarquin’s ox Thacko ran up and greeted his former master. It was revealed that Tarquin had won Thacko in a poker game, and the ox was still upset about that. To make amends, Tarquin returned Thacko to Keblaar.
Magic Jones and Baron Üterrüs found Eileve relieving himself in the woods. King Plough emerged from doing his own business in the bushes, then invited them all to FrancisWorld. Plough’s manner grew serious as he asked the Baron to help him avenge Kalgon’s murder (not knowing that Üterrüs WAS Kalgon’s killer). Then Plough immediately lightened up again and repeated “C’mon, let’s go to FrancisWorld!”
TO BE CONTINUED…