Episode 23 – The Final Chapter
After doing a rockin’ musical number to celebrate their new careers as social workers, Commander Blanket smashed his guitar. Blanket noticed that Shika’s face was now patterned instead of solid blue, and Shika explained that it was a chameleon-like change cause by his great sadness at leaving the Keeton-2 behind. Blanket revealed some unfortunate news…a telegram from Spaceforce informed them that, due to budget cuts, they had abandoned their plans to pick up the crew and bring the station down to earth. Instead, they’re just going to let the Keeton-2 and the entire expendable crew burn up on re-entry.
Altair-3 (the right arm of the giant composite Altair robot) was giving Edwina attitude over her transformation from android to human. She defended herself by pointing out that, while Altair-3 was only a part of a whole, she was now complete in a way Altair-3 would never understand.
As Armageddon Uno did a final check on the butter-churn rocket, Scoopella entered. She explained who she was, and told him that she loved him.
In the station’s centrally located park, Elder Amos Fisher prayed for God’s blessing on the butter-churn rocket. Suddenly, Amos clutched at his chest and collapsed. Jacob entered and saw his fallen adoptive father.
AMOS: “Jacob…I think it’s my ticker…my pumper…my lub-a-dub-dubber…”
Amos told Jacob that he wouldn’t be able to help him anymore…and that Jacob was now the leader of the Amish people. As a symbol of leadership, Amos handed his red suspenders over to Jacob. As the end neared, Amos cried out:
AMOS: “Jacob! I see the Kingdom!”
JACOB: “What’s it like?”
AMOS: “It’s like…Tuberon!”
And with that, Elder Amos Fisher died.
Cody Gage and Dwayne McLifegiver (formerly known as…oh, come on, you know who he is by now) were packing up to start their new life. Dwayne told her that his vast wealth would enable them to go anywhere they wanted, but Cody insisted that she had to actually accomplish something with her life…and she could do that by opening a storage facility for the special-needs people on Tuberon. Dwayne proposed that they not stop there, but open a whole chain of storage facilities. As Dwayne planned their life together, Cody tearfully confessed that she couldn’t burden Dwayne with her terrible medical condition…irritable bowel syndrome. Dwayne tenderly revealed that he shared her affliction.
Altair-4 searched for the other robots. Just as he left, Altair-5 entered. Altair-5 left, and Altair-2 arrived.
ALTAIR-2: “This is like a bad Keystone Kops scene!”
Armageddon and Scoopella took a shower with their clothes on. Scoopella told Armageddon that she’d loved him ever since he took her to Detroit.
ARMAGEDDON: “Wait a minute! Last time I saw you, you were 12. Now, I’m no Paula Poundstone…”
They considered combining her powers and his know-how to start an unprecedented crime wave. Scoopella revealed that, while she was being tested in Dwayne’s Catacombs of Diabolical Nonsense, she found a box containing a billion dollars, which they could use to finance their spree. Tempting as the offer was, Armageddon confessed that his mission to pilot the Amish to Tuberon had taught him an important lesson…it feels good to do good.
Jacob Fisher eulogized his adoptive father, with Dr. Shika in attendance for the impromptu funeral. After the ceremony, Shika gave Jacob even more bad news, telling him about Spaceforce leaving everyone to die. Shika pleaded with Jacob to take them along in the butter-churn rocket. After some quick calculations, they learned that the butter-churn rocket could hold all of Earth’s Amish population, all of Earth’s retarded people, and the entire Keeton-2 crew…except for one person.
Altair-3 got a message from the other Altair robots informing him that they were all outside the station, ready to fulfill their purpose. Altair-3 went out, and we witnessed the awesome spectacle of the five Altairs forming one giant robot (courtesy of the station’s monitor projection screen).
Edwina took a reluctant Scoopella to see her father Jacob. Jacob was ill at ease at being reunited with the destroyer of Detroit, but Edwina urged him to forgive their daughter. Edwina explained Scoopella’s origin, then pointed out her own transformation.
EDWINA: “I’m all human now! I’m still British…I hope we can get past that.”
Jacob confessed his own secret, that he was actually an alien rocketed to Earth as an infant. He opened his shirt to reveal the “A” logo (for Amish-Man) on his super-hero costume underneath. They realized that they were all misfits, and could draw strength from belonging together. Jacob apologized for trying too hard to mold Scoopella into the Amish way of life, and Scoopella apologized for slaughtering Detroit.
Commander Blanket presented Cody Gage with an honorable discharge, then gave her a bag full of his most prized badges and buttons. As Cody reeled from the honor, Dwayne McLifegiver stormed in, enraged over the theft of a billion dollars and 37 cents, which he had packed in a box marked “Tomatoes.” Commander Blanket smoothed things over by offering them the millions he won betting of the Detroit Tigers back in a long-forgotten plot point from Episode 11.
Armageddon Uno stood between his two ships, torn between the freedom and adventure of the Chicken Hawk and the duty and heroism of the butter-churn rocket. Armageddon also felt guilty about taking the billion dollars from Dwayne McLifegiver, the man who truly cares for Armageddon’s sister Cody. Just then, Cody entered, and Armageddon thanked her for fixing his ship…and fixing his heart. Suddenly, a furious Dwayne entered with a gun. Luckily, before things could escalate, the assembled giant Altair robot (now known as “Valtair”) spoke up from outside the station to stop the violence. Calmed down, Dwayne apologized for losing his temper. He told Armageddon that, since Commander Blanket had generously given them his millions, he was going to follow suit and give Armageddon HIS billions.
Suddenly, Commander Blanket arrived, hustling everybody aboard the butter-churn rocket. Just as everyone else boarded, Blanket shut the door behind them. Since one person had to stay behind, Commander James Tranquility Blanket was prepared to sacrifice himself and go down with the ship. (Plus, the Chicken Hawk’s auto-pilot took off to rendezvous with Armageddon later, so scratch that mode of escape.) Moved by Blanket’s heroism, Jacob called out through the portal:
JACOB: “I’ll carve a statue of you on Tuberon!”
BLANKET: “Make me skinnier!”
As everyone bid farewell, Valtair suddenly spoke up, offering to rescue Blanket from the doomed station.
VALTAIR: “Come with us! What do you say?”
BLANKET: “I say…take me down to the Paradise City, where the grass is green and the girls are pretty…”
Everyone began singing along with Commander Blanket as the two vessels separated. As the Keeton-2 went down in flames, the butter-churn rocket arrived at Tuberon. Our heroes’ old home was gone…but a new one lay ahead of them.
THE END
Showing posts with label scoopella. Show all posts
Showing posts with label scoopella. Show all posts
Tuesday, November 25, 2008
Monday, November 24, 2008
Season 4, Episode 22: Go Altair Force!
Episode 22: Go Altair Force!
Dwayne McLifegiver (formerly known as Dwayne Tomagachi and Angus McMurder) and Cody Gage were packing up the equipment from the Dwayne’s Catacombs of Diabolical Nonsense. Coming across his Torture Droid, the now-reformed Dwayne urged Cody to destroy it along with all his other evil devices. After pondering how much money she might get for pawning it, Cody put the Droid away and said she’d destroy it later. They practiced for their new jobs at the storage facility with a bit of role-playing. When Cody, playing a customer, approached Dwayne about storing some toxic materials, Dwayne suggested some evil ideas but quickly stopped himself. Cody decided to handle the customer service herself. As Cody calculated how much they’d make in their new jobs, Dwayne mentioned that he was a billionaire.
Altair-9000 told Armageddon Uno about his past, explaining that his creator, Dr. Bob Frapples, created five Altair robots capable of forming one giant robot.
ALTAIR: “Then we realized there’s no earthly use for a giant robot, so we split up.”
Jacob Fisher’s adoptive father, Amos Fisher, explained more about Jacob’s true origins. Amos found Jacob as an infant in a butter-churn launched from space…proof that there is Amish intelligence elsewhere in the universe. Amos told Jacob that he was the hope of the Amish people.
Commander Blanket reflected on his last week in command of the station. Dr. Shika arrived, and Blanket revealed what he wanted to do with his life. Commander Blanket’s great ambition was to become a social worker and help special children. And, in keeping with the spirit of the Golden Age of Social Work, Blanket adopted a new ’70s outfit. Blanket invited Shika to help him out in his new career, and Shika promised to stop by whenever he’s not spending time with his family on Guano-9.
Edwina was cleaning up in the commissary when her daughter Scoopella entered, fully grown, fashionably dressed, and bearing a strange resemblance to the late Scoop Quasar. Scoopella explained that, after her rampage destroyed Detroit, a nice woman named Catherine Shamrock found her and took her to the Queen Pretty Reform School for Girls, where they turned her into a real lady. Scoopella asked who her father really was, and Edwina decided to take her to Dr. Shika for a DNA test.
Altair-9000 received a radio message from the rapidly approaching Altair-3, who would form the left leg of the giant Altair robot.
On their way to Dr. Shika, Edwina and Scoopella ran into Dwayne Tomagachi. Edwina introduced them.
EDWINA: “This is Scoopella.”
DWAYNE: “No, that’s definitely Scoop Quasar in a ridiculous wig!”
Edwina managed to convince Dwayne that it was indeed Scoopella. Dwayne started to suggest that Scoopella take over the world, but stopped himself. Scoopella suggested that perhaps the Queen Pretty Reform School could help him change his evil ways. Dwayne proposed that they run the necessary tests on Scoopella in his Catacombs of Diabolical Nonsense, since Dr. Shika would probably just foul the tests up.
Cody Gage ran into Dr. Shika, sporting his new ’70s outfit. When Shika explained that he was going to help Commander Blanket help special-needs children, Cody began feeling that her own plans for the storage facility were insignificant. She and Dr. Shika came up with a way that she could make a difference, too—opening a storage facility for retarded people!
Altair-3 approached the station, eager to finally fulfill his purpose.
Commander Blanket visited Amos Fisher in the barn. Amos initially shunned Blanket’s new “hippie” getup, but they smoothed that over. Amos had realized a flaw in Jacob’s plan…the butter-churn rocket would carry all the Amish people, but couldn’t hold their belongings. The Amish, especially the special-needs Amish, need a place to store their stuff. When Blanket learned that 75% of the Amish are retarded, he suggested that they expand their plan to create a homeworld for ALL of Earth’s retarded people as well.
As Jacob Fisher and Armageddon Uno did a last-minute check on the butter-churn rocket, Jacob revealed that the entire barn section of the station was part of his ship, and would detach from the rest of the Keeton-2. Armageddon was amazed that a simple Amish farmer could accomplish all this, and Jacob explained about his extraterrestrial origins. Speculating as to whether Jacob had any powers besides his advanced knowledge, Armageddon recalled how hard Jacob had hit him a couple of weeks ago. Testing Jacob’s strength, they discovered that Jacob could lift a cow with one hand.
Altair-4 arose from the wreckage of Detroit and flew towards the station.
After testing Scoopella’s DNA, Dwayne discovered that Scoopella was 1/3 Jacob, 1/3 Edwina, and 1/3 Scoop…a perfect hybrid of human, android, and Amish alien. As they wondered what this could mean, Dwayne sent Edwina through a shining portal to fetch some Frusen Gladje. When Edwina returned, Dwayne slapped her. Edwina felt the pain…then realized she was now fully human. Amazed and grateful, Edwina wondered how Dwayne had done it, since she hadn’t been able to contact her creator Gary Petto. Dwayne revealed that he WAS Gary Petto. A flashback revealed that Dwayne/Petto’s daughter had been hit by a car while he was too busy building Edwina, and that he had engineered the entire chain of events to create Scoopella as a replacement for his dead child. Upset by Dwayne’s manipulations, Edwina got into a shouting match with him.
EDWINA: “You may be able to scream louder, but I can scream shriller!”
They stopped when they realized that their fighting was traumatizing Scoopella. Dwayne explained that now that Edwina was human, Jacob could finally embrace her without going against his Amish beliefs. Suddenly, Altair-2 arrived. Recognizing Scoopella as the destroyer of Detroit, Altair-2 backed out of the room.
Cody Gage & Dr. Shika told Commander Blanket & Jacob Fisher about their plans for the pro bono retarded storage facility. Blanket then told Jacob about his own plan to bring all Earth’s retarded people along with the Amish to planet Tuberon. Taken aback, Jacob revealed that he had only planned on taking the healthiest of the Amish, leaving inbreeding behind. Shocked by Jacob’s uncharacteristic insensitivity, Blanket reminded him of the lessons of helping others instead of judging them.
TO BE CONCLUDED…
Dwayne McLifegiver (formerly known as Dwayne Tomagachi and Angus McMurder) and Cody Gage were packing up the equipment from the Dwayne’s Catacombs of Diabolical Nonsense. Coming across his Torture Droid, the now-reformed Dwayne urged Cody to destroy it along with all his other evil devices. After pondering how much money she might get for pawning it, Cody put the Droid away and said she’d destroy it later. They practiced for their new jobs at the storage facility with a bit of role-playing. When Cody, playing a customer, approached Dwayne about storing some toxic materials, Dwayne suggested some evil ideas but quickly stopped himself. Cody decided to handle the customer service herself. As Cody calculated how much they’d make in their new jobs, Dwayne mentioned that he was a billionaire.
Altair-9000 told Armageddon Uno about his past, explaining that his creator, Dr. Bob Frapples, created five Altair robots capable of forming one giant robot.
ALTAIR: “Then we realized there’s no earthly use for a giant robot, so we split up.”
Jacob Fisher’s adoptive father, Amos Fisher, explained more about Jacob’s true origins. Amos found Jacob as an infant in a butter-churn launched from space…proof that there is Amish intelligence elsewhere in the universe. Amos told Jacob that he was the hope of the Amish people.
Commander Blanket reflected on his last week in command of the station. Dr. Shika arrived, and Blanket revealed what he wanted to do with his life. Commander Blanket’s great ambition was to become a social worker and help special children. And, in keeping with the spirit of the Golden Age of Social Work, Blanket adopted a new ’70s outfit. Blanket invited Shika to help him out in his new career, and Shika promised to stop by whenever he’s not spending time with his family on Guano-9.
Edwina was cleaning up in the commissary when her daughter Scoopella entered, fully grown, fashionably dressed, and bearing a strange resemblance to the late Scoop Quasar. Scoopella explained that, after her rampage destroyed Detroit, a nice woman named Catherine Shamrock found her and took her to the Queen Pretty Reform School for Girls, where they turned her into a real lady. Scoopella asked who her father really was, and Edwina decided to take her to Dr. Shika for a DNA test.
Altair-9000 received a radio message from the rapidly approaching Altair-3, who would form the left leg of the giant Altair robot.
On their way to Dr. Shika, Edwina and Scoopella ran into Dwayne Tomagachi. Edwina introduced them.
EDWINA: “This is Scoopella.”
DWAYNE: “No, that’s definitely Scoop Quasar in a ridiculous wig!”
Edwina managed to convince Dwayne that it was indeed Scoopella. Dwayne started to suggest that Scoopella take over the world, but stopped himself. Scoopella suggested that perhaps the Queen Pretty Reform School could help him change his evil ways. Dwayne proposed that they run the necessary tests on Scoopella in his Catacombs of Diabolical Nonsense, since Dr. Shika would probably just foul the tests up.
Cody Gage ran into Dr. Shika, sporting his new ’70s outfit. When Shika explained that he was going to help Commander Blanket help special-needs children, Cody began feeling that her own plans for the storage facility were insignificant. She and Dr. Shika came up with a way that she could make a difference, too—opening a storage facility for retarded people!
Altair-3 approached the station, eager to finally fulfill his purpose.
Commander Blanket visited Amos Fisher in the barn. Amos initially shunned Blanket’s new “hippie” getup, but they smoothed that over. Amos had realized a flaw in Jacob’s plan…the butter-churn rocket would carry all the Amish people, but couldn’t hold their belongings. The Amish, especially the special-needs Amish, need a place to store their stuff. When Blanket learned that 75% of the Amish are retarded, he suggested that they expand their plan to create a homeworld for ALL of Earth’s retarded people as well.
As Jacob Fisher and Armageddon Uno did a last-minute check on the butter-churn rocket, Jacob revealed that the entire barn section of the station was part of his ship, and would detach from the rest of the Keeton-2. Armageddon was amazed that a simple Amish farmer could accomplish all this, and Jacob explained about his extraterrestrial origins. Speculating as to whether Jacob had any powers besides his advanced knowledge, Armageddon recalled how hard Jacob had hit him a couple of weeks ago. Testing Jacob’s strength, they discovered that Jacob could lift a cow with one hand.
Altair-4 arose from the wreckage of Detroit and flew towards the station.
After testing Scoopella’s DNA, Dwayne discovered that Scoopella was 1/3 Jacob, 1/3 Edwina, and 1/3 Scoop…a perfect hybrid of human, android, and Amish alien. As they wondered what this could mean, Dwayne sent Edwina through a shining portal to fetch some Frusen Gladje. When Edwina returned, Dwayne slapped her. Edwina felt the pain…then realized she was now fully human. Amazed and grateful, Edwina wondered how Dwayne had done it, since she hadn’t been able to contact her creator Gary Petto. Dwayne revealed that he WAS Gary Petto. A flashback revealed that Dwayne/Petto’s daughter had been hit by a car while he was too busy building Edwina, and that he had engineered the entire chain of events to create Scoopella as a replacement for his dead child. Upset by Dwayne’s manipulations, Edwina got into a shouting match with him.
EDWINA: “You may be able to scream louder, but I can scream shriller!”
They stopped when they realized that their fighting was traumatizing Scoopella. Dwayne explained that now that Edwina was human, Jacob could finally embrace her without going against his Amish beliefs. Suddenly, Altair-2 arrived. Recognizing Scoopella as the destroyer of Detroit, Altair-2 backed out of the room.
Cody Gage & Dr. Shika told Commander Blanket & Jacob Fisher about their plans for the pro bono retarded storage facility. Blanket then told Jacob about his own plan to bring all Earth’s retarded people along with the Amish to planet Tuberon. Taken aback, Jacob revealed that he had only planned on taking the healthiest of the Amish, leaving inbreeding behind. Shocked by Jacob’s uncharacteristic insensitivity, Blanket reminded him of the lessons of helping others instead of judging them.
TO BE CONCLUDED…
Wednesday, November 19, 2008
Season 4, Episode 17: Raising Scoopella
Episode 17: Raising Scoopella
Cody Gage was looking over some old love notes from her boyfriend Dwayne Tomagachi (a.k.a. Angus McMurder). Dwayne entered, informing her that he was still going down to Pleasure-9 despite last week’s disastrous briefing session. Dwayne mentioned that his brother, Heinous McMurder, had disappeared after they killed Darren Johnson. Dwayne feared that the carbonade freezing had caused his bloodthirsty twin to develop a conscience. Cody told Dwayne that nobody had ever cared for her strongly enough to kill somebody over her. They sang a karaoke duet of Meat Loaf’s “I Would Do Anything for Love.”
Jacob was teaching his “daughter” Scoopella (who was now physically and emotionally 11 years old, thanks to her half-android growth rate) about life on the farm. He started telling her the story of Noah’s ark, comparing it to his own calling to lead the Amish into space in his butter-churn rocket. Scoopella just couldn’t get past the oxymoron of Amish astronauts. When Jacob gave her a little monkey bookmark he had made, Scoopella lashed out at the childish gift. Jacob exclaimed that Edwina must have poisoned Scoopella against his Amish ways.
Commander Blanket told Altair-9000 he was worried about the upcoming mission to Pleasure-9, then illustrated his fears through modern dance. Afterwards, Blanket told Altair that the McMurder brothers were too evil to live, and instructed the robot to make sure they don’t make it back.
ALTAIR: “All right, sir. I’ve killed before…out of sheer stupidity.”
BLANKET: “So have I. That’s why I can talk to you.”
Blanket explained that Altair’s soft dough-filled mitts could be heated in an oven until they harden into deadly weapons (“but not too long, or they’ll get brittle & fall off”).
Edwina Prototype and Armageddon Uno were shopping for fish and discussing Scoopella. Edwina worried that Jacob was going too far in raising her in the Amish tradition. Armageddon suggested that he talk to Scoopella and encourage her to be herself. (Incidentally, Armageddon’s right hand was grotesquely swollen from a recurring after-effect of an old trip to Chlamydia-6…but let’s not get into that.)
As Commander Blanket began briefing the away team, Altair couldn’t resist nibbling on his baked cookie-hands.
Jacob was lecturing Scoopella about humility when Armageddon Uno arrived and told Jacob Edwina wanted to see him. Once they were alone, Armageddon asked Scoopella if she enjoyed being Amish. She didn’t. Scoopella told him that she wanted to go to Earth. Armageddon replied that he was going to take her to the greatest city on the planet, and launched into a stirring speech on the wonders of Detroit, Michigan.
Arriving on Pleasure-9, Commander Blanket was surprised to find that the planet, usually populated by gorgeous women, was completely deserted. The explorers discovered “The Diary of Fan Bank” and learned that an evil force had invaded the place. Altair (now one-handed) sensed something approaching.
After a brief stop at the medical center to take care of his hand, Armageddon headed to Earth with Scoopella. He noticed that the girl was developing a real attitude, and realized that she must’ve just hit puberty.
Cody Gage found the “Back in 15 Minutes” note that Commander Blanket left on the bridge.
Edwina told Jacob that she’d asked Armageddon to babysit Scoopella so they could have a romantic evening. Then she abruptly demanded sex. Jacob insisted that he couldn’t “soil” Edwina again until they were married. When Edwina realized that Jacob wasn’t giving in this time, she arranged to have the ceremony right away.
On Pleasure-9, Commander Blanket sent Dwayne Tomagachi to scout out the scene. Immediately afterwards, Blanket ordered Altair to follow Dwayne and kill him (warning the robot not to eat his other hand before finishing the job).
Just as it dawned on Cody that the note didn’t say when the 15 minutes started, Edwina rushed in, looking for Commander Blanket so he could perform the wedding. Checking the monitors, Edwina discovered that the Commander was on Pleasure-9, and that Armageddon had taken Scoopella to Detroit in the Chicken Hawk. Her maternal instincts kicking into overdrive, Edwina started steering the station back to Earth.
In Detroit, Armageddon & Scoopella were playing basketball when they got involved in a drive-by shooting. Armageddon handed Scoopella his gun. She returned fire and liked it. Armageddon decided to give Scoopella more kicks by taking her to rob a casino.
Jacob arrived on the bridge and found Edwina at the helm. When Edwina explained that Armageddon had taken their daughter to Detroit, Jacob was filled with horror.
EDWINA: “Calm down! It’s all right!”
JACOB: “It’s NOT all right! It’s NEVER all right in Detroit!”
Jacob confessed that Detroit was the site of his youthful indiscretions…the place where he saw “The Crying Game.” On the monitors, they saw Armageddon and Scoopella making their getaway from the robbery, guns a-blazin’.
As Altair grabbed Dwayne, Commander Blanket realized that the station was no longer circling Pleasure-9. He called off the attack, explaining that they may need Dwayne alive while they’re stranded there. Checking the supplies, they discovered that the only food they had was Altair’s cookie-dough hands.
TO BE CONTINUED….
Cody Gage was looking over some old love notes from her boyfriend Dwayne Tomagachi (a.k.a. Angus McMurder). Dwayne entered, informing her that he was still going down to Pleasure-9 despite last week’s disastrous briefing session. Dwayne mentioned that his brother, Heinous McMurder, had disappeared after they killed Darren Johnson. Dwayne feared that the carbonade freezing had caused his bloodthirsty twin to develop a conscience. Cody told Dwayne that nobody had ever cared for her strongly enough to kill somebody over her. They sang a karaoke duet of Meat Loaf’s “I Would Do Anything for Love.”
Jacob was teaching his “daughter” Scoopella (who was now physically and emotionally 11 years old, thanks to her half-android growth rate) about life on the farm. He started telling her the story of Noah’s ark, comparing it to his own calling to lead the Amish into space in his butter-churn rocket. Scoopella just couldn’t get past the oxymoron of Amish astronauts. When Jacob gave her a little monkey bookmark he had made, Scoopella lashed out at the childish gift. Jacob exclaimed that Edwina must have poisoned Scoopella against his Amish ways.
Commander Blanket told Altair-9000 he was worried about the upcoming mission to Pleasure-9, then illustrated his fears through modern dance. Afterwards, Blanket told Altair that the McMurder brothers were too evil to live, and instructed the robot to make sure they don’t make it back.
ALTAIR: “All right, sir. I’ve killed before…out of sheer stupidity.”
BLANKET: “So have I. That’s why I can talk to you.”
Blanket explained that Altair’s soft dough-filled mitts could be heated in an oven until they harden into deadly weapons (“but not too long, or they’ll get brittle & fall off”).
Edwina Prototype and Armageddon Uno were shopping for fish and discussing Scoopella. Edwina worried that Jacob was going too far in raising her in the Amish tradition. Armageddon suggested that he talk to Scoopella and encourage her to be herself. (Incidentally, Armageddon’s right hand was grotesquely swollen from a recurring after-effect of an old trip to Chlamydia-6…but let’s not get into that.)
As Commander Blanket began briefing the away team, Altair couldn’t resist nibbling on his baked cookie-hands.
Jacob was lecturing Scoopella about humility when Armageddon Uno arrived and told Jacob Edwina wanted to see him. Once they were alone, Armageddon asked Scoopella if she enjoyed being Amish. She didn’t. Scoopella told him that she wanted to go to Earth. Armageddon replied that he was going to take her to the greatest city on the planet, and launched into a stirring speech on the wonders of Detroit, Michigan.
Arriving on Pleasure-9, Commander Blanket was surprised to find that the planet, usually populated by gorgeous women, was completely deserted. The explorers discovered “The Diary of Fan Bank” and learned that an evil force had invaded the place. Altair (now one-handed) sensed something approaching.
After a brief stop at the medical center to take care of his hand, Armageddon headed to Earth with Scoopella. He noticed that the girl was developing a real attitude, and realized that she must’ve just hit puberty.
Cody Gage found the “Back in 15 Minutes” note that Commander Blanket left on the bridge.
Edwina told Jacob that she’d asked Armageddon to babysit Scoopella so they could have a romantic evening. Then she abruptly demanded sex. Jacob insisted that he couldn’t “soil” Edwina again until they were married. When Edwina realized that Jacob wasn’t giving in this time, she arranged to have the ceremony right away.
On Pleasure-9, Commander Blanket sent Dwayne Tomagachi to scout out the scene. Immediately afterwards, Blanket ordered Altair to follow Dwayne and kill him (warning the robot not to eat his other hand before finishing the job).
Just as it dawned on Cody that the note didn’t say when the 15 minutes started, Edwina rushed in, looking for Commander Blanket so he could perform the wedding. Checking the monitors, Edwina discovered that the Commander was on Pleasure-9, and that Armageddon had taken Scoopella to Detroit in the Chicken Hawk. Her maternal instincts kicking into overdrive, Edwina started steering the station back to Earth.
In Detroit, Armageddon & Scoopella were playing basketball when they got involved in a drive-by shooting. Armageddon handed Scoopella his gun. She returned fire and liked it. Armageddon decided to give Scoopella more kicks by taking her to rob a casino.
Jacob arrived on the bridge and found Edwina at the helm. When Edwina explained that Armageddon had taken their daughter to Detroit, Jacob was filled with horror.
EDWINA: “Calm down! It’s all right!”
JACOB: “It’s NOT all right! It’s NEVER all right in Detroit!”
Jacob confessed that Detroit was the site of his youthful indiscretions…the place where he saw “The Crying Game.” On the monitors, they saw Armageddon and Scoopella making their getaway from the robbery, guns a-blazin’.
As Altair grabbed Dwayne, Commander Blanket realized that the station was no longer circling Pleasure-9. He called off the attack, explaining that they may need Dwayne alive while they’re stranded there. Checking the supplies, they discovered that the only food they had was Altair’s cookie-dough hands.
TO BE CONTINUED….
Tuesday, November 18, 2008
Season 4, Episode 16: Altair Cookiehands
Episode 16: Altair Cookiehands
As the station approached Pleasure-9, Commander James T. Blanket was having nightmares about the crew dying horribly on the planet.
Edwina & Jacob held the newborn Scoopella. Edwina warned Jacob that her half-android nature would cause the baby to grow up very quickly. When Jacob mentioned that he’d be raising Scoopella in the Amish tradition, Edwina was upset that he hadn’t included her in such an important decision. She told Jacob that, whatever the actual parentage may be, they had to think of her as THEIR daughter.
Dwayne Tomagachi (a.k.a. Angus McMurder) held Armageddon Uno prisoner, forcing him to watch reruns of “Golden Girls.” Releasing Armageddon from the force field, Dwayne admitted that his heart hadn’t been in his evil plans since falling in love with Armageddon’s sister Cody Gage.
DWAYNE: “There’s a certain purity about her…that stoned naiveté…”
Armageddon offered to swear a blood oath with Dwayne, promising that he wouldn’t give Dwayne away if Dwayne would look after Cody. Dwayne agreed, on the condition that Armageddon take a blood test first.
Cody was explaining her duties to Dwayne’s twin brother Heinous McMurder. The conversation turned to Cody’s engagement to Dwayne/Angus, and Heinous revealed that the last girl Angus had been engaged to had broken his heart. Cody gave a more-than-usually incoherent reply involving Dr. Laura, but the gist of it was that she would never do that to Dwayne. Cody and Heinous hugged, despite Heinous’ difficulty expressing himself non-violently.
Commander Blanket met Darren Johnson, the winner of a radio contest to visit the space station. Blanket suddenly realized that he didn’t need to risk his crew’s lives on Pleasure-9 when he could sacrifice an innocent civilian instead. He offered to put Darren through a rigorous training montage.
Wracked with guilt over killing Scoop, Altair-9000 had replaced his hands with dough-filled oven mitts to make sure he couldn’t hurt anyone again. Dr. Shika talked with Altair about his grief, then gave the robot a copy of Judy Blume’s “Super Fudge” to help him with these difficult feelings.
Darren Johnson’s training montage began.
Cody and Edwina went over the plans for Edwina’s wedding to Jacob. When Cody started crying about wanting a wedding of her own, Edwina assured her that “happiness begets happiness,” and her own wedding might just follow. Cody told Edwina about her fiancé, but her description was so garbled that Edwina didn’t realize she was talking about Dwayne Tomagachi. Cody sang a peppy upbeat song about her relationship.
The training montage concluded.
BLANKET: “All right! You’ve learned how to attract, kiss, seduce, push aside, kill, and seduce women.”
Darren confessed that he’d never had much time for women due to his work as producer of the horror movies Retarded Death-Stalkers I through III. As the atonal screams of the people of Retardo-Montalban 6 echoed through his head, Blanket urged Darren to stop exploiting special-needs people, and instead make films to help them. Darren was inspired to develop two new ideas: Retarded Flower Girl and Retarded Driving Instructor.
That night, Commander Blanket had an even more disturbing, inexplicable nightmare involving a naked Blue Man (not to be confused with Blue Man Group or Dr. Shika).
Cody and Darren talked shop about the station’s engines. Darren tried his newly-learned seduction techniques on Cody.
DARREN: “There’s three types of girls in this world. There’s fine-looking girls, there’s finer-looking girls, and, well, there’s the finest-looking girl!”
The McMurder brothers waited to ambush Commander Blanket on the bridge. Ensign Boggess entered and was immediately killed by Heinous McMurder. Blanket arrived and found the crewman murdered, just like in his nightmare. As Dwayne spun the station’s steering wheel out of control, Ensign Armit entered and was (you guessed it) immediately killed by Heinous McMurder. Commander Blanket told the brothers that the station wasn’t even orbiting Earth anymore, but had arrived at Pleasure-9.
BLANKET: “If you love evil, you’ll love a planet full of women.”
As Jacob cradled Scoopella, Armageddon Uno came in, still holding a grudge. Armageddon’s anger subsided when he saw the baby. Jacob gave Armageddon a Bible Bar (“Based on a recipe from Deuteronomy 8:8”) to celebrate the birth. After taking a bite, Armageddon quickly “fed” his chewed-up mouthful to Scoopella.
Commander Blanket held a staff meeting, while Jacob handed out Bible Bars to everybody. (The Commander gave his own bar to Darren as part of his “training.”) From their hiding spot behind the computer, the McMurder brothers saw Darren flirting with Cody. Blanket informed everybody about the dangerous mission to Pleasure-9, explaining that the away team would consist of the McMurders and Darren Johnson—the most expendable people on board. As Cody pleaded for Dwayne to stay safely on board, a fight broke out between Dwayne and Darren. Altair tried to intervene, but his dough-hands were useless. Heinous McMurder brought the fight to an end by stabbing Darren.
TO BE CONTINUED…
As the station approached Pleasure-9, Commander James T. Blanket was having nightmares about the crew dying horribly on the planet.
Edwina & Jacob held the newborn Scoopella. Edwina warned Jacob that her half-android nature would cause the baby to grow up very quickly. When Jacob mentioned that he’d be raising Scoopella in the Amish tradition, Edwina was upset that he hadn’t included her in such an important decision. She told Jacob that, whatever the actual parentage may be, they had to think of her as THEIR daughter.
Dwayne Tomagachi (a.k.a. Angus McMurder) held Armageddon Uno prisoner, forcing him to watch reruns of “Golden Girls.” Releasing Armageddon from the force field, Dwayne admitted that his heart hadn’t been in his evil plans since falling in love with Armageddon’s sister Cody Gage.
DWAYNE: “There’s a certain purity about her…that stoned naiveté…”
Armageddon offered to swear a blood oath with Dwayne, promising that he wouldn’t give Dwayne away if Dwayne would look after Cody. Dwayne agreed, on the condition that Armageddon take a blood test first.
Cody was explaining her duties to Dwayne’s twin brother Heinous McMurder. The conversation turned to Cody’s engagement to Dwayne/Angus, and Heinous revealed that the last girl Angus had been engaged to had broken his heart. Cody gave a more-than-usually incoherent reply involving Dr. Laura, but the gist of it was that she would never do that to Dwayne. Cody and Heinous hugged, despite Heinous’ difficulty expressing himself non-violently.
Commander Blanket met Darren Johnson, the winner of a radio contest to visit the space station. Blanket suddenly realized that he didn’t need to risk his crew’s lives on Pleasure-9 when he could sacrifice an innocent civilian instead. He offered to put Darren through a rigorous training montage.
Wracked with guilt over killing Scoop, Altair-9000 had replaced his hands with dough-filled oven mitts to make sure he couldn’t hurt anyone again. Dr. Shika talked with Altair about his grief, then gave the robot a copy of Judy Blume’s “Super Fudge” to help him with these difficult feelings.
Darren Johnson’s training montage began.
Cody and Edwina went over the plans for Edwina’s wedding to Jacob. When Cody started crying about wanting a wedding of her own, Edwina assured her that “happiness begets happiness,” and her own wedding might just follow. Cody told Edwina about her fiancé, but her description was so garbled that Edwina didn’t realize she was talking about Dwayne Tomagachi. Cody sang a peppy upbeat song about her relationship.
The training montage concluded.
BLANKET: “All right! You’ve learned how to attract, kiss, seduce, push aside, kill, and seduce women.”
Darren confessed that he’d never had much time for women due to his work as producer of the horror movies Retarded Death-Stalkers I through III. As the atonal screams of the people of Retardo-Montalban 6 echoed through his head, Blanket urged Darren to stop exploiting special-needs people, and instead make films to help them. Darren was inspired to develop two new ideas: Retarded Flower Girl and Retarded Driving Instructor.
That night, Commander Blanket had an even more disturbing, inexplicable nightmare involving a naked Blue Man (not to be confused with Blue Man Group or Dr. Shika).
Cody and Darren talked shop about the station’s engines. Darren tried his newly-learned seduction techniques on Cody.
DARREN: “There’s three types of girls in this world. There’s fine-looking girls, there’s finer-looking girls, and, well, there’s the finest-looking girl!”
The McMurder brothers waited to ambush Commander Blanket on the bridge. Ensign Boggess entered and was immediately killed by Heinous McMurder. Blanket arrived and found the crewman murdered, just like in his nightmare. As Dwayne spun the station’s steering wheel out of control, Ensign Armit entered and was (you guessed it) immediately killed by Heinous McMurder. Commander Blanket told the brothers that the station wasn’t even orbiting Earth anymore, but had arrived at Pleasure-9.
BLANKET: “If you love evil, you’ll love a planet full of women.”
As Jacob cradled Scoopella, Armageddon Uno came in, still holding a grudge. Armageddon’s anger subsided when he saw the baby. Jacob gave Armageddon a Bible Bar (“Based on a recipe from Deuteronomy 8:8”) to celebrate the birth. After taking a bite, Armageddon quickly “fed” his chewed-up mouthful to Scoopella.
Commander Blanket held a staff meeting, while Jacob handed out Bible Bars to everybody. (The Commander gave his own bar to Darren as part of his “training.”) From their hiding spot behind the computer, the McMurder brothers saw Darren flirting with Cody. Blanket informed everybody about the dangerous mission to Pleasure-9, explaining that the away team would consist of the McMurders and Darren Johnson—the most expendable people on board. As Cody pleaded for Dwayne to stay safely on board, a fight broke out between Dwayne and Darren. Altair tried to intervene, but his dough-hands were useless. Heinous McMurder brought the fight to an end by stabbing Darren.
TO BE CONTINUED…
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