Episode 18: Heads of State
During last week’s battle with the elfin army, King Plough had accidentally decapitated Chambliss Tucker with the Dual Sword of Destiny, but thanks to the sword’s enchanted nature, Chambliss’ head and body were still alive, if separate. Plough promised Chambliss that he would get Magic Jones to put her back together. However, Baron Üterrüs informed the King that Magic Jones was dead, having given his life to save Eileve. Üterrüs suggested that they resort to the dark arts to heal Chambliss.
Tarquin the Gangly was stunned to learn of Magic Jones’ death. Tarquin told Francis that he and Jones were closer than anyone suspected…Jones had recently revealed that he was Tarquin’s father. Learning that Baron Üterrüs was responsible for Jones’ death, Tarquin vowed to kill him with the bag of explosives he had prepared for the elfin invasion. Francis mentioned that the elfin army was all dead as well. Tarquin was stunned…again.
Eileve explained to his grandfather, King Plough, how he had been brought back from death by Jones’ sacrifice. Eileve revealed that, when he was at death’s door, his only thoughts were of Plough.
Tarquin confronted Baron Üterrüs at Linens Und Thïngs. As Tarquin ranted, Üterrüs suggested that Tarquin give in to his rage and use it in the service of darkness. Unable to help himself, Tarquin agreed (in a hypnotized monotone) to do the Baron’s bidding.
Chambliss’ head was sitting in her Lincoln Navigator when a mysterious stranger entered…Lady Guinevere of the Chattahoochee. Guinevere explained that she was a water spirit; her father was an undersea giant and her mother was a catfish. Guinevere told her not to try to visualize how that conception happened, but Chambliss replied that she’d seen stranger things on the internet.
Francis was wandering through the forest when he met Eileve. Eileve explained that, since he came back from death, he now felt purer, wiser, and cleaner. Francis theorized that part of Magic Jones’ essence lived on in Eileve…which meant that they might be able to combat the dark forces in the kingdom. Francis proposed that they kill Baron Üterrüs, but Eileve pointed out that the last time they tried, Üterrüs took Eileve’s soul.
EILEVE: “And as my father, Kalgon, said: Take my soul, you take my hands. Take my hands, you take my craft. Take my craft, you take my soul. Take my soul, you take my hands…”
Three days later, Francis finally interrupted the motto.
Baron Üterrüs and King Plough were drinking at the Slop Bucket. Üterrüs told Plough that he had gathered the ingredients for Chambliss’ necromantic surgery. Plough expressed surprise that Üterrüs was still helping him even after revealing his evil nature.
ÜTERRÜS: “Perhaps even in evil, there can still be friendship. Perhaps. I’m leaving a loophole there.”
Eileve was sitting by a campfire, talking to his dead father Kalgon. Eileve explained that he was trying to honor Kalgon’s memory, and was even taking on his mannerisms. As Eileve lay down to sleep, a voice in the wind whispered “Good night, son.”
Francis visited Chambliss’ Lincoln Navigator, only to run off screaming in terror at the sight of her severed head. He eventually came back and apologized for his reaction. He urged Chambliss not to turn to the dark arts to restore herself, but she pointed out that she didn’t have much choice. Francis informed her that he was training Eileve in the ways of white magic, and that they would heal her with goodness. The race was on to see who could restore her first.
Lady Guinevere paid a visit to Tarquin’s treehouse. She revealed that she had not been to Ye Little Points of Five in a long time…not since her wonderful affair with Magic Jones. She explained that, many centuries ago, she emerged from the waters and met a young wizard. (“He made me his scribe…and by scribe, I mean f*ck-toy.”) Tarquin asked whether this affair had produced a child, and she confessed that she was indeed Tarquin’s mother. Tarquin realized that, since his father was a human wizard and his mother was a water spirit, that meant that he had no elfin blood at all. All this time, he’s just been a human/water spirit with freakish ears, living among the elves. No wonder he always felt out of place.
King Plough paid one last visit to Chambliss’ headless body. (“I wanted to tell you a few things I couldn’t tell your ears.”) He told her that, although she was not his first queen, and probably wouldn’t be his last, he considered her his ONLY queen.
Francis was training Eileve by making him chase a chicken, among other unusual methods. When Eileve was able to snatch a cricket from Francis’ hand, they knew he was ready.
Baron Üterrüs and his new apprentice, Tarquin, were gathering ingredients for the necromantic ritual. Üterrüs told Tarquin to drop the hypnotized zombie voice, explaining that evil is more effective when it isn’t so obvious. Üterrüs revealed that he had taken the invisible sword Soulcrusher X from the fallen Keblaar on the battlefield, then handed the weapon to Tarquin. Taruin realized that he could now not only kill his enemies, but suck up the souls that emerge from the body, and grow even more powerful.
King Plough was polishing and admiring the Dual Sword of Destiny when Lady Guinevere entered and introduced herself. She explained that Magic Jones had summoned her with his dying thoughts, telling her to take the Sword of Destiny and return it to the river. Plough refused to give up his weapon, until he heard the voice of Magic Jones repeat the request from beyond (also pointing out that Plough still had a whole rack full of weapons).
Chambliss’ two halves, attended by Tarquin and Francis, were waiting to be healed. Eileve arrived carrying Magic Jones’ staff, and performed the spell to make her whole. Meanwhile, elsewhere, Lady Guinevere was preparing to return the Dual Sword of Destiny to the Chattahoochee, when Baron Üterrüs suddenly arrived and killed her with his “soul kiss.” Chambliss was healed, but Baron Üterrüs now held the Dual Sword of Destiny.
TO BE CONTINUED…