Season 6, Episode 14: Everybody Dies

Episode 14: Everybody Dies

Kalgon, the fleet of foot and sleight of hand, gave Esmerizizelda the magical artifact he had stolen for her: the Flowers of Algernon. She explained that she would use their power to switch bodies with Chambliss Tucker. When Kalgon asked for the sack of gold she had promised him, she gave him his “just reward” by casting a spell of clumsiness upon him, thus destroying his skills as a master thief.

Magic Jones was wandering through the forest when he the as-yet-nameless son of Chambliss Tucker and three fathers. The human-elf-cheetah man-child lamented his freakish existence, and Jones reassured him that everybody feels like a freak when they’re young.

As a result of their collision, King Plough’s alabaster sword and Baron Üterrüs’ onyx sword had merged into a single weapon. Plough and Üterrüs discussed an arrangement to alternate ownership of the sword, then turned to the more pressing matter of what to do with Francis, who was being held in the dungeon. Üterrüs thought that Francis should be hewn into gravel for his treachery, while Plough worried how the people would react to such a severe punishment. The Baron argued that a king shouldn’t be influenced by his subjects, but should rule them with an iron fist. Plough realized that the merged sword was influencing him, tearing him between its two sides. (“There’s dark, and there’s light…and yet, alas, there’s no creamy center.”)

Esmerizizelda paid a visit to Tarquin’s treehouse. Tarquin lamented that his ox, Thacko, had grown distant since Tarquin had been transformed from elf to human. Esmerizizelda told him that she could restore him if he helped her abduct Chambliss for her ritual.

Magic Jones brought the nameless child to Linens Und Thïngs to meet one of his fathers, Baron Üterrüs. The Baron was impressed by his demi-son’s growth, noting that the child had the prowess of a cheetah, the immortality of an elf, and the blood of kings. All that was left was for the Baron to teach him in the ways of the undead. The child agreed to join him, on one condition: “I want Magic Jones to name me…or I leave.” Thus, the old wizard christened the child “Eileve.”

At the Slop Bucket, King Plough asked his son, Kalgon, to read the menu for him, since Plough could not read. As Kalgon described the blue-plate special, Plough reiterated his confession of illiteracy, hoping that Kalgon would get the point this time. Plough was concerned because he had signed all manner of documents without knowing what they were, relying on Magic Jones’ judgment on the legislation.

KALGON: “I wouldn’t trust him to name a baby!”

Kalgon’s curse of clumsiness rendered him unable to serve Plough’s meal. He explained that he had committed a theft for a sack of gold, wanting to earn the gold on his own terms rather than ask his father. Plough revealed that he was proud of Kalgon’s self-sufficiency. Plough sang a song praising Kalgon’s skill as a waiter.

Esmerizizelda paid another visit to Tarquin, promising to turn him back into an elf after he completes the abduction of Chambliss. Tarquin demanded to be restored immediately, but the witch protested that he might back out of the agreement afterwards. Tarquin pointed out that elves never broke their word. She accepted that, but warned him that if he DID cross her, she’d turn him into something horrible, though she couldn’t decide what. Suddenly, Eileve knocked on the door. Tarquin saw his elfin parentage in the child, and greeted him warmly. Tarquin confided that Esmerizizelda’s evil plan was his only hope of becoming an elf again, but Eileve had an alternate plan: he distracted Esmerizizelda and stole her wand.

Magic Jones was wandering about when Eileve entered, holding the wand in one hand and his detached tail in the other. Eileve explained that he had idly commented that he hated his tail, and it fell off. Jones realized that the wand responded to its owner’s desires…a terrible responsibility for a one-week-old.

King Plough summoned Esmerizizelda to the castle, pointing out that she had been banished by his great-grandfather, and the banishment was still in effect. She broke down in tears, lamenting her wretched herpes-ridded existence. Plough confessed that he too knew the heartbreak of herpes (“Why do you think I grew this ridiculous mustache?”). She offered to transplant his soul into a herpes-free body. Torn by the influence of the sword, Plough agreed, giving her one hour to prove her powers by curing herself.

Kalgon went to Linens Und Thïngs, crawling very carefully to avoid knocking anything over. Kalgon told Baron Üterrüs about the curse of clumsiness, and the Baron offered to help him. Üterrüs started gathering the ingredients for the remedy, then realized that the Flowers of Algernon had vanished. Kalgon remorsefully confessed to the theft. Enraged, Üterrüs dealt Kalgon a heavy blow with his mace.

Tarquin and Esmerizizelda snuck into Chambliss Tucker’s Lincoln Navigator and abducted the sleeping, blanket-covered Chambliss, after Tarquin knocked her out by whacking her with a cushy pillow.

Eileve found Kalgon lying motionless in his cave. Eileve attempted to wake up his demi-father, but the flies buzzing around the body proved that he was dead. Eileve’s elfin heritage allowed him to speak to the flies and learn what had happened. (“My father’s killed my father!”) Eileve swore to avenge Kalgon’s death.

Magic Jones castigated Baron Üterrüs for not watching Eileve, thus allowing Eileve to get Esmerizizelda’s wand. Jones warned that the combination of unlimited power and a child’s immaturity could blow a hole in the space-time continuum. Baron Üterrüs agreed that the danger was serious enough for the two of them to set aside their differences and join forces.

Tarquin and Esmerizizelda were preparing for the deherpification ritual when the witch suddenly remembered that Eileve had stolen her wand. (“You fool! This is my fault, but I blame you!”) Tarquin suggested that the cushy pillow must have some magical powers of its own, since it had somehow knocked out Chambliss. The witch tested the pillow’s powers by casting a spell on Tarquin. Suddenly, his elfin locks reappeared as he was restored to his true self. Before Esmerizizelda could proceed to transferring her soul into Chambliss’ body, King Plough entered, shouting that the hour was up. Seeing that the witch had failed to cure herself, Plough stabbed her with his sword.

TO BE CONTINUED…

Season 6, Episode 13: Rockman's Got Nards!

Episode 13: Rockman’s Got Nards!

King Plough summoned Francis of the Rock People to discuss Francis’ recent conversion to anarchy and Plough’s newfound dedication to the common people.

PLOUGH: “Francis, I walked a mile in the shoes of a peasant…which aren’t shoes at all! They’re bare feet!”

Francis didn’t believe that Plough had truly seen the light, and this attitude made them enemies. Plough warned Francis that there’d be trouble if their paths ever crossed again. Fifteen minutes later, their paths crossed again, and they began to battle. Plough accidentally discovered Francis’ one vulnerable spot…his nards.

Baron Üterrüs and Chambliss Tucker were basking in the afterglow, although Chambliss was still sore from the uncomfortable yet satisfying experience.

CHAMBLISS: “You know, your penis is a yardstick.”
ÜTERRÜS: “By which love is measured?”

Chambliss was concerned as to what effect such deep penetration might have on her unborn babies. The Baron revealed that his supernatural seed had broken down the triplets’ cellular structure and combined them into a single, extremely powerful fetus. He warned her to send for a midwife immediately, as the baby was now too developed to remain in her womb for long. Chambliss replied that it felt like the baby had already been pushed out of her womb and up into her throat.

Tarquin the Gangly stood atop Mount Poop, preparing to hurl the Bloodsword into its depths. Angered by the elf’s rejection of its power, the Bloodsword placed a curse upon him. Tarquin attempted to deflect the curse with the mystical chant of “I’m rubber, you’re glue,” but the Bloodsword easily countered his spell. The sword revealed that Tarquin was cursed to be an elf no longer, but a mere human.

Esmerizizelda, the cackling witch of the Herpenghetti, ordered a glass of spider vomit at The Slop Bucket. As Kalgon brought the beverage to her table, she sensed that he was more than a mere server. Kalgon replied that he had taken this job to show that he could go straight, explaining that he had been a master thief. Esmerizizelda offered him a sack of gold if he would steal an artifact from Baron Üterrüs’ shop, Linens Und Thïngs.

Needing assistance in his battle against Francis, King Plough asked Magic Jones for a weapon that could cut through rock. Jones replied that he had foreseen Plough’s need in a prophetic dream, and Plough asked why Jones hadn’t bothered to warn him earlier. Jones consulted the crystal ball in his staff and saw a vision of Francis storming Castle Post with an army of monks. Magic Jones offered to place an enchantment on Plough’s sword so that it would turn stone into pumice. Plough suggested that turning stone into cookie dough would be softer and tastier.

Baron Üterrüs was cleaning up at Linens Und Thïngs when Francis entered and started trashing the place again. The Baron sympathized with Francis’ destructive, rebellious urges, but warned him that he might be bringing a terrible fate upon himself. As they conversed, Kalgon (wearing his enchanted mask) snuck in unnoticed and stole the magical artifact known as the Flowers of Algernon.

At the Slop Bucket, Chambliss told Esmerizizelda about her night of passion with Baron Üterrüs and the effect it had on her baby. The witch was distraught over how this would interfere with her own sinister plans, but didn’t let on to Chambliss. Esmerizizelda checked Chambliss’ throat and saw that the baby was coming soon. As the labor pains intensified, Chambliss staggered behind the bar and coughed up the baby. As Chambliss cradled her newborn son, it said “I love you, mama.” Chambliss noticed that the baby had a cheetah’s tail and elfin markings on its face.

The distraught Tarquin informed Magic Jones that the Bloodsword’s curse was changing him from an elf to a human. Even as he explained, the pointed tips of Tarquin’s ears fell off, proving that the curse was real. Having lived 2,000 years as an elf, Tarquin was terrified of having a human lifespan. Jones was powerless to help him, as the curse could only be reversed by a witch and not a wizard. Tarquin scratched his head, and his long elfin locks fell off.

Kalgon paid a visit to Francis’ cave. Francis revealed that a fierce battle was brewing, and that he did not expect to survive. He believed he would be more powerful as a martyr than he had been as a leader, so he was prepared to die.

KALGON: “I admire your stalwartness.”
FRANCIS: “I accept that as a word.”

King Plough went to Linens Und Thïngs to enlist Baron Üterrüs’ aid in the battle against Francis. Even though Plough knew Üterrüs as a humble interior designer, he could sense that the Baron had the heart of a warrior (not to mention being 7 feet tall). The King presented Üterrüs with a weapon to use in the battle…the onyx sword, sister to Plough’s alabaster sword.

Chambliss cut the umbilical cord of her son, who was now the size of a fully-grown short man. Since he had grown so rapidly, Chambliss thought he was ready to go out on his own. The bitter man-child walked out.

Having missed her opportunity to transplant her soul into a newborn body, Esmerizizelda was drowning her sorrows in the Slop Bucket when Tarquin the Human entered. Esmerizizelda introduced herself as a witch, and he asked for her help. He joined her in a glass of spider vomit, but did a double-take when she told him what he was drinking. Esmerizizelda laughed so hard at his reaction that she fell off the stool.

At high noon, King Plough and Francis faced each other in the street. Plough taunted his opponent by munching on a cookie, warning Francis that he’d “better get used to it.” Baron Üterrüs emerged from the shadows as the battle began. Suddenly, both Plough’s and Üterrüs’ enchanted swords collided as they simultaneously struck Francis. The combination of mystical forces had an unforeseen effect on Francis, who began to grow to 40 times his original size.

TO BE CONTINUED…

Season 6, Episode 12: Esmerizizelda in Da House

Episode 12: Esmerizizelda in Da House

At Linens Und Thïngs, Chambliss Tucker put the finishing touches on her makeover of Baron Üterrüs, making him marginally more human-looking. To celebrate, the Baron invited her to The Slop Bucket, the finest restaurant in town (actually, the ONLY restaurant in town).

As a result of the rap-off between King Plough and Magic Jones, Plough was now officially the King of Rhyme. Jones and Plough reflected on their relationship: Jones promised to look out for Plough and see that he lives to the ripe old age of 102. Plough informed Jones that he had been attempting to make policy without Jones’ advice, with disastrous results. Plough wanted to show the people that he was one of them (“I bathe in rosewater, just like everyone else!”). Sensing the king’s cluelessness, Jones suggested that Plough actually go out among the common people to learn how they really live.

Kalgon was on the way to his new job at The Slop Bucket when he stopped by Francis’ cave. Francis had abandoned the revolution because he’d decided that NOBODY was any good, and was now dedicated only to anarchy and breaking stuff. Kalgon informed Francis about Plough’s plans to go out in disguise, and Kalgon wanted to show his dad that he could do an honest job. So, Kalgon asked Francis to stop by the Slop Bucket and be a customer so that Kalgon could make a good impression.

Atop the ruins of Skank Mountain, Baron Üterrüs was pontificating about the evils done in the name of love. The Baron decided to rid himself of his love for Chambliss, then transplant the love into another person. Suddenly, Esmerizizelda, the cackling witch of the Herpenghetti, came flying in. The two old villains greeted each other, and Esmerizizelda complimented the Baron on his new look. Üterrüs told her about Chambliss and her far-off home dimension. Esmerizizelda told the Baron that she had foreseen the coming of a baby…and that she planned to leave her shriveled old body and possess the newborn, to live a whole new life.

Magic Jones was having a drink at The Slop Bucket when Kalgon came to his table and sang an interminably long birthday song. Jones praised Kalgon’s skills as an entertainer and suggested that he try a career in show business. However, Kalgon was afraid of success. Suddenly, King Plough entered, disguised as a shepherd. Kalgon offered Plough a seat at Jones’ table, then began massaging the “shepherd’s” feet. Plough was impressed that he, “a simple commoner,” could receive such service. Suddenly, Francis burst in, knocking over chairs and tables. Francis shouted that “This town’s going down…in the bad way.”

Chambliss was sitting in her Lincoln Navigator when Esmerizizelda knocked on the door. Chambliss introduced herself as the queen, and Esmerizizelda bowed before her. Chambliss was surprised, since nobody else in the kingdom showed her such respect.

ESMERIZIZELDA: “Do you know what commands respect more than anything else?”
CHAMBLISS: “Huge breasts?”
ESMERIZIZELDA: “That…and a maidservant!”

Esmerizizelda offered her services as a serving wench and midwife. Chambliss was slightly disturbed by the red sores on Esmerizizelda’s lips, but hired her anyway.

Francis was wrecking stuff at Linens Und Thïngs when the “shepherd” entered. Francis started telling the stranger about everything that was wrong with the town, such as the fact that nobody seemed to notice just how obviously evil Baron Üterrüs is. Francis then started going on about the king’s failings. Francis explained that he didn’t hate King Plough, he was just disappointed that he never used his authority for the good of the people. The “shepherd” was moved to tears, and promised Francis that he would tell the king.

Chambliss Tucker and Baron Üterrüs were having a romantic dinner at The Slop Bucket. As Chambliss told the Baron that she could see the spark of warmth inside him, Kalgon came to the table with an order of baby snow peas, dropping not-so-subtle hints about his own babies inside Chambliss’ womb. Dismissing him, Üterrüs confessed to Chambliss that his “spark of warmth” was alien to his evil nature, and that he needed to get rid of it. He sang a tender love song about his evil deeds and his feelings for her.

Magic Jones was reading a book of spells when Esmerizizelda burst in. Jones was astounded to be reunited with his former fiancée. She confronted him about their past together…Jones was responsible for the infection on her lips, and yet he abandoned her because of it. Jones, in turn, accused her of leaving him for Baron Üterrüs. He explained that he had tried to make peace, sending her letters and gifts. They then realized that he’d been sending all his peace offerings to the wrong address for all those centuries. To make up for everything, Jones agreed to help her with her plan to take one of Chambliss’ babies and live anew in its younger body.

ESMERIZIZELDA: “Help me, and you will have a wife…as an infant child for quite some time.”

After closing time at The Slop Bucket, Kalgon was counting his tips when Francis burst through the wall. Kalgon lectured Francis about his destructive ways. Bummed out, Francis left in shame. Kalgon stayed up all night rebuilding the wall, only for Francis to knock it down again the next morning.

Chambliss Tucker invited Baron Üterrüs up to the Lincoln Navigator. As she went in the back to fetch some schnapps, the Baron started undressing for a night of passion. Chambliss returned, and upon seeing Baron Üterrüs with his pants down, immediately went back for more schnapps.

King Plough returned to the castle and addressed the crowd. He informed them that, now that he had walked among them and saw their lot in life, he was instituting an “open moat” policy, and would now be accessible to anybody who needed his help.

TO BE CONTINUED…

Season 6, Episode 10: Skip and a Jump Away

Episode 10: Skip and a Jump Away

Kalgon was cutting down trees to make pamphlets to spread the word of the revolution, when Tarquin the Gangly arrived, ordering him to stop (since Tarquin thought the whole point of the revolution was to stop the King from destroying the forest in the first place). Tarquin saved a tree by blocking Kalgon’s axe with the Bloodsword of Thogroth.

Chambliss Tucker sat in the castle, preparing to sing about her tortured heart.

Magic Jones and Francis of the Rock People were relaxing in the pub. Jones explained that he was too busy with work to join the revolution. Francis proposed a united force of workers where everybody could work equally hard, or equally not hard. Jones was intrigued by this “union” idea.

Chambliss finally sang her song, which consisted of the single word “Gone.” Hearing that one note, her husband Skip climbed up the trellis to visit her. Skip told her how upset he was that she’d been sleeping around and that she had forgotten how he had always provided for her. She retorted with a rant about how boring her suburban life had been.

The demon Prick found an assortment of magic potions in the back room of Linens Und Thïngs, and decided to have some fun by rearranging them. Suddenly, Kalgon rushed in. Kalgon revealed that he couldn’t join the revolution because he had to take care of Chambliss’ baby. Prick asked Kalgon to consider which was more important: individual freedom or responsibility to others. By the end of the discussion, they were both incredibly confused.

Magic Jones went to Chambliss, concerned by the absence of both King Plough and Baron Üterrüs. However, Chambliss was more concerned by her pregnancy, rumors of which had spread through Kalgon’s tabloids. Chambliss asked Jones to perform a mystical scan of her belly to determine just who fathered her baby. Jones cast the spell, then replied that she should have said “babIES.”

Francis was outside the pub when Friar Kack walked by. Francis greeted his “old friend” warmly, but Kack revealed that he was not the same Kack that Francis knew. Kack explained that all the Friars of Kack Island have the same name and look identical (all being spawned from the Kack Sack). He had come to investigate the disappearance of the other Friar Kack, who had not come home for Kackgiving.

After his argument with Chambliss, Skip Tucker was imprisoned in stocks in the dungeon. He reflected on how he had taken Chambliss for granted, and sang a song about his insensitivity.

Tarquin stood guard by a tree, pondering whether to mark it as being protected in the name of the king or of the revolution. He decided to compromise by marking it “Reserved for ham sandwich.” Suddenly, the tree fell over due to Tarquin using the Bloodsword to write the message. Tarquin realized that the sword killed everything it touched (apart from himself, King Plough, Üterrüs, and maybe a few more exceptions). Kalgon arrived, and they discovered a rock with an inscription revealing how to cure Tarquin’s curse. (“In order to remove the bloodlust, you must find the one for whom you did lust, and take out that which was inside.”) Realizing that Tarquin would have to cut the baby from Chambliss’ womb, Kalgon swore to stop him.

Francis and Kack sat by the campfire, planning a dinner meeting for all the revolutionaries. Hearing word of a dinner meeting, the demon Prick arrived in search of Bundt cake. Seeing Friar Kack, Prick was pained by the sight of Kack’s religious symbol.

Magic Jones was barbecuing his specialty dish of cowduckephant (a duck stuffed inside a cow stuffed inside an elephant) when he heard Skip Tucker weeping in the corridor. Jones invited Skip in, and they started talking about Skip’s own era. Skip didn’t like life in his own time, but Jones warned him that he was needed there…plus, he was in grave danger as long as he remained there. Jones opened an interdimensional portal. Reluctantly, Skip agreed to go home, and Jones gave him a portion of cowduckephant for the journey.

SKIP: “Tell Chambliss I don’t care how many hyenas or whatever she sleeps with, I’ll still love her.”

With that, Skip jumped through the portal.

Chambliss was at the pub, disguised as a peasant wench to hide from the tabloids. As Magic Jones welcomed her, Kalgon arrived and started discussing Skip’s departure. Not recognizing Chambliss, Kalgon expressed great relief that Skip was gone, then started insulting him mercilessly. Jones and Kalgon went out for a ham sandwich, leaving Chambliss alone. Tarquin entered, and Chambliss revealed her identity. Tarquin told her what he had learned about his curse. She suggested that, if he waited eight months, he could perform a C-section, thus fulfilling the terms of the enchantment without actually harming her or the babies. Chambliss picked up the Bloodsword and admired it. As soon as Tarquin warned her about its curse, she collapsed.

Friar Kack went to Linens Und Thïngs to pick up some supplies for the revolution. Finding nobody there, Kack took what he needed. Kack’s deity voiced his disapproval with a thunderstorm.

Prick informed Francis that his greatest dream was…to sing. Prick sang a beautiful, happy song about his life in Hell. Prick wanted no part of fighting or violence, so he walked away from the revolution. As Prick left, the guilt-ridden Friar Kack arrived. His god relieved his conscience by sending down a receipt for what he had taken. Kalgon then arrived, having decided to join the revolution after all. As they gave thanks for their blessings, Tarquin came by and was stunned to see another Friar Kack. They fought.

At the castle, Magic Jones was preparing cowduckephant soup when he sensed the death of Friar Kack. Chambliss Tucker crawled in, explaining that she might be dying from having touched the Bloodsword. Jones urged her to try the healing power of the soup.

Prick was floating merrily through the forest when he encountered a group of Rainbow People. They exchanged greetings of peace and love, and one of the Rainbow People placed an illicit substance on Prick’s tongue.

TO BE CONTINUED…

Season 6, Episode 9: You Won't Fool the Children of the Revolution

Episode 9: You Won’t Fool the Children of the Revolution

Magic Jones asked Francis of the Rock People to help him search for Baron Üterrüs (whose body was now possessed by the simple mind of King Plough). Francis, who had become an ardent revolutionary, didn’t see any downside to Üterrüs’ disappearance, but agreed to help Jones anyway.

Meanwhile, the mind of Baron Üterrüs was still in possession of King Plough’s body, and had now mastered Plough’s accent, making the impersonation complete. Üterrüs/Plough brought Tarquin up to the treehouse to show the elf how Üterrüs had redecorated. Tarquin hated what the Baron had done with the place, and vented the rage boiling inside him. Üterrüs/Plough was impressed by Tarquin’s bloodthirsty nature, and gave him a position in his cabinet (not to mention the Bloodsword of Tutenkhamun).

Chambliss Tucker told her husband Skip about everything that had happened since she arrived in this strange land. When she explained that she was now queen, Skip asked if that made him king. Chambliss told Skip that he didn’t belong here, and urged him to go back home to the kids and his OB/GYN practice. However, Skip didn’t want to go back to his old responsibilities.

Francis went to the castle printing room and told Kalgon to make some changes in the latest edition of his tabloid.

KALGON: “I cut down 40 trees to make those!”
FRANCIS: “Chop down more! We’ll never run out of trees!”

Chambliss rushed in with some changes of her own, but Francis refused to step aside, telling her that the people were tired of being pushed around. Seeing an opportunity to get rid of her husband, Chambliss told Francis that a newcomer named Skip was pushing everybody around.

In the pub, Tarquin bragged to Magic Jones how he had interrupted Friar Kack’s attempt on Chambliss’ life, then tortured the Friar mercilessly and skinned him alive.

JONES: “You know, the human body can live for three days without skin.”
TARQUIN: “Really? HE only lived for two!”

Tarquin then told Jones that Baron Üterrüs had given him the Bloodsword of Tutenkhamun (strangely, although Tarquin had been taken in by the Baron’s impersonation of King Plough at the time, he now remembered his visitor as being the Baron). Hearing that Üterrüs had been sighted, Jones rushed off to search for him.

Chambliss and Üterrüs/Plough were having an uncomfortable dinner date when Magic Jones rushed in, searching for Baron Üterrüs. Üterrüs/Plough pointed him in a random direction, and Jones was completely taken in.

Kalgon met Skip Tucker and warned him that Chambliss was not to be trusted. Kalgon told Skip that, during his absence, Chambliss had slept with a half-man/half-cheetah.

Üterrüs/Plough paid a visit to Tarquin. When Tarquin called him “Baron,” Üterrüs insisted that he was King Plough. The Baron/King informed Tarquin that he needed to cut down the forest for resources in the battle against the orcs and hobgoblins, who had formed an “axis of evil.” Tarquin explained about the cycle of nature: the trees grow fruit which we eat, then we excrete the seeds that grow into new trees, etc. Üterrüs/Plough asked whether it wouldn’t be more efficient to enslave people to excrete the seeds for us.

TARQUIN: “No wonder I confused you with Baron Üterrüs, with an attitude like that!”

Tarquin attempted to attack Üterrüs/Plough with the Bloodsword, but discovered that it couldn’t penetrate his target’s protective aura.

In the highest tower of the castle, Chambliss urged Francis to crush Skip, but not to hurt him. When Francis pointed out the paradox in those instructions, Chambliss cried that she was so confused…plus, she thought she might be pregnant.

Magic Jones and Kalgon were lounging in the pub. Kalgon invited the extremely intoxicated Jones to join Francis’ movement.

KALGON: “Are you on board? Are you with the revolution?”
JONES: “I’m revolving as we speak!”

Kalgon and Jones sang a rousing song about the revolution.

Üterrüs/Plough paid a visit to Skip Tucker in the Lincoln Navigator. They discussed the way that Chambliss had declared herself queen, and was now trying to get rid of Skip. Üterrüs/Plough invited Skip to join his cabinet, explaining that he needed a man of science to formulate chemical weapons against his enemies. When Skip protested that he didn’t want to harm anyone, Üterrüs/Plough warned Skip that Chambliss wanted him dead.

Tarquin went to Francis’ cave to ask for help with his bloodlust. Tarquin mentioned that he had disassembled a monk; Francis failed to make the connection to his friend Friar Kack, and the subject was dropped immediately. Tarquin explained that he needed to stop King Plough, but the Bloodsword couldn’t harm him. Francis suggested that he try another weapon.

Chambliss Tucker confronted Kalgon, telling him that she knew it was he who crept into her bedchamber last night. Kalgon donned his enchanted mask to escape her wrath, but he put it on inside-out, so it didn’t work. Chambliss wondered how she could face Skip now that she’d married Plough and slept with her new stepson. Kalgon sensed that Chambliss was pregnant with a new heir to the throne…yet another rival for power.

Üterrüs/Plough found Magic Jones in the pub. Taking advantage of Jones’ drunken state, Üterrüs/Plough pretended to be Jones’ old teacher, and got Jones to reconstruct his class project on the principle of forming interdimensional portals. Once Jones explained how it was done, Üterrüs/Plough whacked him on the head with a mace.

Skip Tucker went through his medical case, trying to figure out how to make Midol into a chemical weapon. Francis arrived and saw that Skip was not the pushy tyrant Chambliss had described, but a man who had been pushed around himself. Francis invited Skip to join the revolution.

TO BE CONTINUED…

Season 6, Episode 8: The Old Switcheroo

Episode 8: The Old Switcheroo

Having killed Friar Kack to protect herself, Chambliss Tucker was cleaning the brain matter up at the pub when Magic Jones entered. Jones noticed that Chambliss was wearing King Plough’s crown, and she explained that she’d taken it off his head and declared herself queen, since Plough was in no condition to rule. Jones asked if she had married the King, and she replied that she had, although Plough might not remember it. Jones warned her that the King might not want her as his queen when he recovers, but agreed to support her in the meantime.

Kalgon paid a visit to the cave of Francis of the Rock People (who had put on a great deal of weight). Kalgon explained that he wanted to rule for the good of the people, not for his own ambition; Kalgon loved his father, but needed to kill him for the greater good. They talked about the way Chambliss had seized the crown while they were both fighting over it. Kalgon noticed that people were interested in the new Queen, and suggested that there was a market for news of her doings. Francis realized that they could take Chambliss down with gossip.

The demon Prick brought the mentally-challenged King Plough to Baron Üterrüs. The Baron realized that the King was no longer in possession of his faculties…meaning that Üterrüs could possess Plough’s faculties himself!

At the castle, Magic Jones was performing a spell to relieve his angina, when an unexpected side-effect occurred: A hole opened in the space-time continuum, and Chambliss’ husband Skip Tucker suddenly appeared before him. When Jones introduced himself, Skip assumed that he’d somehow wandered into a Renaissance Festival, and decided to play along.

Kalgon visited Chambliss Tucker in her Lincoln Navigator. Kalgon jotted down notes about what Chambliss was wearing and drinking, then asked her what was the hardest part of being Queen (her reply: “Getting started.”). Kalgon decided that he’d gotten enough, and left.

Francis went to Linens Und Thïngs and met Prick. Francis asked Prick whether his rights were being respected. Prick didn’t understand this political talk, but when Francis explained what oppression was, Prick realized that he was indeed oppressed. Francis asked Prick what his dream was, and Prick replied that his heart’s desire was his own apartment, with a futon and a lamp of lava. Francis assured him that he had the right to realize that dream.

Baron Üterrüs brought King Plough up to Skank Mountain to perform the spell of possession. To prepare him for the spell, the Baron sang Plough to sleep with a sweet, sensitive lullaby about buttercups and rainbows. Once Plough was asleep, Üterrüs banished the happy music and began the spell.

Kalgon asked Magic Jones for access to the royal printing press, where he printed the first edition of his new tabloid, “Sure Talksalot.” Kalgon and Jones reminisced about old times and their ever-changing relationship.

KALGON: “Remember when we were teenagers, and we’d dress up in women’s clothes, just for fun? Y’know?”

Skip Tucker was wandering through the woods when he encountered Baron Üterrüs, whose body was now possessed by King Plough’s mind. Üterrüs/Plough offered to lead Skip to where the elf lives. Thinking he’d encountered a mentally challenged RenFest participant, Skip humored him.

Meanwhile, King Plough’s body, possessed by Üterrüs’ mind, visited Chambliss Tucker. Chambliss was amazed by Plough’s miraculous recovery, not to mention his new accent. Their conversation was interrupted when they heard Kalgon nailing his new tabloid to the door. Kalgon left before they came out and discovered the front page, featuring a naked drawing of Chambliss leaning on the hood of her car. Chambliss was aghast, protesting that she tries never to be naked if she can help it. Plough/Üterrüs swore vengeance on whomever had offended his love.

Francis led Prick to the apartment of his dreams, complete with a lamp of lava and an imp-sized futon. Moved by Francis’ dedication and generosity, Prick agreed to join him in the fight for the oppressed masses. Prick gave their movement a name (“Serfs Up”) and a motto (“I am a minion! I have an opinion!”).

Kalgon was posting the tabloid outside the castle when Skip Tucker came by and recognized the woman on the front page. (“Chambliss is here, and posing for erotic woodcuts!”) Kalgon filled Skip in on what had happened to Chambliss, but most of it went over Skip’s head. Kalgon put on his enchanted mask (last seen in episode 1) and told Skip to seek out Chambliss in the castle. When Kalgon removed the mask, Skip did not remember the conversation, but still followed his command.

King Plough/Baron Üterrüs went to see Magic Jones, explaining that he had been hit on the head once again, thus restoring his mind. However, Jones quickly saw through the ruse, recognizing Üterrüs’ accent and attitude in Plough’s body. Jones swore to use his newfound power of the press to expose the impostor and then switch them back.

Francis and Prick found Üterrüs/Plough in the forest, and attacked the “oppressor.” They were taken aback when the voice of the mentally challenged king emerged from the baron’s body. Francis realized what had happened, and they decided to make Üterrüs/Plough part of their movement; they would fight for the rights of the retarded as well as the proletariat. While Francis and Prick discussed this, Üterrüs/Plough wandered off.

Chambliss Tucker was in the throne room, plotting revenge on Kalgon, when her husband Skip came in. They had a tearful reunion, and she explained what had happened to her. Skip was upset that she’d thrown herself so wholeheartedly into this Renaissance Festival act. A unicorn wandered into the room, and Skip finally realized that this wasn’t a RenFest. The portal to Skip & Chambliss’ own time opened, and Skip begged her to come back to her family. When Chambliss couldn’t bring herself to leave, Skip agreed to stay with her. The unicorn went through the portal instead.

TO BE CONTINUED…

Season 6, Episode 7: Something Pricky This Way Comes

Episode 7: Something Pricky This Way Comes

Mortally injured by a blow to the head, King Plough lay dying on the battlefield when Francis of the Rock People brought him the enchanted alabaster sword. As the sword was placed in Plough’s hand, its magicks instantly brought him back from the brink of death. However, as soon as he opened his mouth, it became apparent that the sword had not healed the damage to his brain.

Magic Jones held a ceremony to reward Tarquin the Gangly for his bravery in combat, although the actual award (whatever form it may take) was not ready yet. Tarquin confessed that he was now constantly filled with rage and bloodlust, and Jones prescribed some new medicine for him to smoke. Tarquin’s condition was only partially remedied…he still felt an unquenchable urge to kill, but at least he wasn’t angry about it anymore.

At Linens Und Thïngs, Baron Üterrüs informed Chambliss Tucker that he was thinking of diversifying his business interests, and was going to open a pub (or, as he pronounced it, a püb) called “The Poisoned Patron.” Chambliss agreed to run the püb on the condition that Üterrüs learn to pronounce it correctly.

Left alone in the aftermath of the battle, Francis was reflecting on his solitude when he remembered the mystic phrase “Get on down here now!” Friar Kack immediately arrived in answer to the summons. Francis informed Kack that the king’s condition had left them without a leader. Friar Kack revealed that he had gazed into the future using the Kack Ring, and had foreseen that Francis would become a great leader. He had also seen that a new menace would soon come to the kingdom…something even worse than the orcs.

Magic Jones and Prince Kalgon were discussing what to do about King Plough’s sudden retardation. Jones wanted to re-educate the king and restore him to his former self. However, Kalgon wondered whether it was worth keeping an incompetent monarch in power, when it would be so much easier for an “unfortunate accident” to free up the throne for a more capable leader. Jones warned Kalgon that “Those that get too greedy might find themselves on the short end of the greedy stick.”

Baron Üterrüs was up on Skank Mountain, preparing a pentagram to summon a demon.

ÜTERRÜS: “While I am conquering the world fiscally, my demon will be conquering the world physically! Ah, wordplay!”

While Üterrüs was rummaging for the spell’s final ingredient, King Plough wandered through unnoticed, disrupting the pentagram. After Plough wandered off again, Üterrüs returned to his spell, unaware of the damage Plough had done. The Baron summoned forth the greatest, most powerful demon in hell…and was answered by the sudden appearance of a small, floating red imp. This was not quite as impressive as Üterrüs had expected. The creature introduced itself as the demon Prick. The Baron asked Prick to go forth and confirm the reports that the king was ill. Misunderstanding, the demon set out to find out whether the king was an eel.

Francis and Friar Kack journeyed to Castle Post to nominate Francis as the interim King while Plough is incapacitated. Friar Kack informed Francis that he had consulted with his fellow friars, and that they had decreed that the quest for vengeance on the slayer of the dragon Schmegma took precedence over their obedience to Francis. So, although they would still obey Francis, they still had to kill somebody. Since Francis didn’t realize they were talking about Chambliss, he accepted that. King Plough wandered by, followed by Magic Jones. Francis demanded the throne from Jones, warning him that he would take it by force if necessary.

Kalgon snuck into the new pub, where Chambliss greeted him as her first customer offered him a drink of red stuff (“This might be the blood of something!”). Kalgon explained that Plough was unable to rule, but that nobody could succeed him as long as he still lived. Kalgon claimed that his previous reluctance to accept the crown was only an act, that he was secretly eager to become king. Chambliss was upset by this news, since Plough had promised her that she could be his queen. As they argued, King Plough wandered in unnoticed and drank the red stuff.

Tarquin and his ox Thacko were hunting tree-rats inside Chambliss’ Lincoln Navigator, when Tarquin was suddenly alerted by a strange noise coming from an odd instrument. Picking up Chambliss’ cell phone, Tarquin was puzzled by the mysterious voices coming from it…the voices of Chambliss’ husband and children. Not knowing what to make of the strange device, Tarquin decided to take it back to Chambliss.

Baron Üterrüs visited Magic Jones and mocked Jones’ fading powers. Üterrüs recalled how Jones had been his teacher many centuries ago, and they had a flashback to Üterrüs’ childhood. When the young Üterrüs asked to learn about evil wizards and dark magicks, Jones reluctantly agreed that it could be useful to learn evil magic in order to guard against it. Back in the present, Üterrüs pointed out that Jones was thus responsible for sending him down the path of evil.

Francis and Kalgon confronted each other about their ambitions to become the new king. Kalgon argued that the throne was his by right of blood, while Francis insisted that it was his by decree of the monks of Kack Island. The argument went on and on, with neither one budging an inch.

The demon Prick encountered the mentally challenged King Plough wandering through the woods. Prick asked if Plough was the king, but Plough couldn’t remember. Plough showed Prick the dead cat he had found at the side of the road, and Prick suggested that they play a game of “Eat the Cat.” (Prick won.) Prick was impressed that Plough showed no fear of him, and asked Plough to be his friend. Since Prick had just eaten Plough’s only other friend, Plough agreed.

Chambliss was tending bar when Friar Kack came in, explaining that he was looking for the slayer of Schmegma the dragon. Chambliss tried to convince him that Schmegma had died of natural causes, but eventually admitted that she had killed it. As Kack prepared to take his vengeance, Tarquin rushed in to give Chambliss her cell phone. Seeing Chambliss in danger, Tarquin knocked Kack out, then chained him to the wall until they could decide what to do with him.

TO BE CONTINUED…

Season 6, Episode 6: Orcs and Knives

Episode 6: Orcs and Knives

The orc army gathered outside Ye Little Points of Five finally attacked, and King Plough and his son Kalgon were in the midst of the battle. They regrouped to the safety of a nearby arch, realizing that they must retreat and gather reinforcements. Kalgon thanked his father for having the integrity to go into battle himself and put his own life on the line. (“What kind of ruler would get into a war for economic gain and then send others to do the fighting?”) They had a moment of silence for their fallen knight Jam Master Jay.

Baron Üterrüs confronted Francis of the Rock People regarding Francis’ going back to his old job holding up the castle. Francis apologized for giving in to Kalgon’s request, and Üterrüs gladly took him back. Francis told Üterrüs about the battle, including the bizarre fact that all of the orcs and hobblegoblins just ignored him. The Baron explained that they had left him alone because Üterrüs had ordered it. He confided to Francis that he had orchestrated the attack in order to get back the alabaster sword which could restore his powers.

FRANCIS: “If you are the interior designer you are now, imagine what you could do at your full power!”

Tarquin the Gangly knocked on Chambliss Tucker’s door, and was startled by her car alarm. They talked about their recent three-way with Dewey Claw, and Tarquin assured her that he wouldn’t leave the way Dewey had. Tarquin explained his feelings for her by singing a song about the death of his dog, and how he’d never felt love so strongly until now. Chambliss reminded him that she was still married, and Tarquin was taken aback. He’d been planning to marry Chambliss and start a family, but Chambliss informed him that that boat had sailed, and those tubes had been tied.

On their way back, King Plough and Kalgon stopped in a cave for shelter, where they found Magic Jones living in exile. Since Plough fired him, Jones had been reading a book Chambliss gave him: “What Color Is Your Parachute?” Now that he was no longer employed as a wizard, he’d found a new calling…being a lifeguard! Plough and Kalgon realized that they could use someone to guard their lives on the battlefield. Plus, Jones’ annoying prattle might distract the orcs and get them to attack HIM instead.

PLOUGH: “Now we have a magic-user, a swordsman, and a thief! All we need is…”
JONES: “A battle-cry!”
PLOUGH: “I was going to say a cleric, but close enough.”

Chambliss Tucker came into Linens Und Thïngs drunk and late for work. She blamed her tardiness on Daylight Savings Time, but this concept was unfamiliar to the Baron. When he lectured her on her poor work performance, she countered that the store was losing business because of his high prices. She suggested that he could increase sales by lowering prices and advertising. Üterrüs was impressed by her business sense.

Returning to the kingdom, King Plough addressed the masses with a rousing speech about the battle with the orcs. Plough urged the people to support him in the war and in the upcoming primary election. Suddenly, Francis entered and grabbed the alabaster sword, inserting it into his stony body so that Plough couldn’t take it back. When Plough asked why, Francis pointed out that Plough hadn’t even noticed him fighting alongside him on the battlefield, whereas Baron Üterrüs had shown him gratitude.

Baron Üterrüs and Chambliss were about to leave to spread their advertising campaign when Tarquin burst in and declared his love for Chambliss. He threatened to commit suicide if Chambliss wouldn’t take him. Taking Tarquin aside, Chambliss told him that she couldn’t commit to saying she loved him, but urged him not to kill himself. She suggested that he take that anguish and rage and take it out on the orcs and goblins. Taking her advice, Tarquin walked away, chanting “Kill! Kill! Kill!”

Magic Jones was coaching Kalgon in the ways of war. Kalgon confessed that this was the first time he’d come face to face with his own mortality, and that he was terrified. Jones reassured him that everybody had their own personal afterlife waiting for him. Kalgon replied that he was an atheist, which meant that his afterlife would be nothingness. Jones agreed to guard Kalgon’s life so that he could reconsider his spiritual beliefs. Kalgon accidentally hit himself in the head with his sword, and Jones did his duty by healing him.

Baron Üterrüs was alone in the store when Francis burst through the wall a la Kool-Aid Man. Francis had come to return the alabaster sword, so that Üterrüs could regain his powers and become the greatest interior designer of all time. The Baron replied that he would not only be an interior designer, but an exterior designer as well…he would not only arrange people’s furniture, he would arrange their lives and thoughts as well. Üterrüs laughed maniacally.

King Plough asked Magic Jones to make him proficient with a new weapon now that the alabaster sword had been stolen once again. Jones cast a spell on his lifeguard’s whistle, then told Plough that, by blowing the whistle, he could freeze the orcs in their tracks for a brief period.

Tarquin went to Kalgon and asked to enlist in the army. Tarquin had replaced his bow with a couple of Molly hatchets so that the battle would be a more visceral, hands-on experience. Kalgon recognized Tarquin’s newfound bloodlust as the rage that only comes from a broken heart.

Chambliss Tucker worked the crowed and sang the new jingle for Linens Und Thïngs.

On the battlefield, Tarquin and Kalgon faced off against an unstoppable orc. Suddenly, King Plough entered the fray and blew his enchanted whistle. The orc froze in place, but Plough congratulated himself a little too long, allowing the orc to recover and whack him on the head. As the King fell, Tarquin’s ox Thacko managed to slay the orc by goring it. Kalgon knelt beside his father, who told him that he would have to take the crown. Kalgon protested that he was too weak to handle the responsibilities of being King, but Plough told him that he could take on his strength by taking his mustache. Kalgon pled with his father not to die; Plough replied that the only thing that could save him was the alabaster sword, but it was nowhere to be found. Suddenly, Francis rushed in with the sword. But would Plough reach it in time?

TO BE CONTINUED…

Season 6, Episode 5: King for a Day

Episode 5: King for a Day

At Linens Und Thïngs, Baron Üterrüs greeted a mysterious new customer…the half-man/half-cheetah Dewey Edward Claw III, who had come in search of knowledge.

DEWEY: “I would like to take in all your small town has to offer in the way of art and culture.”
ÜTERRÜS: “You’re done.”

Francis of the Rock People paid a visit to Gatormaid’s nest, and told her about his new job, working for Baron Üterrüs as an interior decorator. She asked him for some advice, and he suggested that she get rid of all the leaves. When she pointed out that the nest was MADE of leaves, Francis got very snotty, then apologized. He explained that the attitude came with the job. Gatormaid understood, since her own meanness is part of her alligator nature. Neither of them had anything more to say, so Francis left.

Having stolen the alabaster sword back from Üterrüs, Kalgon brought it to King Plough. However, rather than simply handing it over, Kalgon attempted to make a bargain for it. Kalgon wanted a taste of power, but Plough decided to teach him a lesson by giving him more than he bargained for…sentencing him to be king for 24 hours. The crown weighed heavy on Kalgon’s head.

Tarquin the Gangly climbed down from his treehouse to visit Chambliss Tucker, whose Lincoln Navigator was now embedded in the tree that had grown around it. She offered him a Capri Sun (“It’s like nectar…with more sugar!”) and showed him photos of her husband and children. Tarquin told her a little bit about the elfin way of life, then sang a ballad to seduce her.

King Kalgon attempted to persuade Francis to return to his job holding up the castle. When Francis explained about his new job and responsibilities, Kalgon started whining about the responsibilities he’d been saddled with. Francis finally agreed to come back. Rather than being pleased, Kalgon was now tortured by the guilt of having forced Francis to give up his dream.

Baron Üterrüs was foraging in the forest for rare pigments, when he ran into Gatormaid. He told her that he knew what it was like to be caught between two worlds, never to know love. He offered to help her, in exchange for an unspecified future favor. She agreed.

Chambliss Tucker and Tarquin were on the verge of a kiss when Dewey Claw walked by. Seizing the opportunity to discourage Tarquin’s affections, Chambliss invited Dewey in. Dewey noticed that Tarquin was trying too hard to seduce Chambliss, and offered him some romantic advice.

DEWEY: “You must do three things. One, look into her eyes. Two, show her your soul. Three, lie.”

Taking him literally, Tarquin called forth his soul and showed it to Chambliss.

Some time later, Chambliss wrote in her diary: “Dear Diary, I just had sex with an elf and a cheetah. Now, I just have to have sex with a baron, a king, and a thief. Till then…”

Citizen Plough was enjoying his newfound freedom when he came across Francis holding up the castle wall. Plough urged Francis to ditch his responsibilities, just as Plough had. They had a montage of irresponsible fun. However, Francis could easily see through Plough’s carefree exterior and saw the mid-life crisis brewing inside him. Francis saw that Plough truly wanted to reclaim his crown and protect the kingdom, but was being held back by his pride. Plough insisted on an apology from Kalgon.

King Kalgon was languishing in despair when Dewey Claw entered and offered to help take the weight off his head. Deeply comforted, Kalgon reminisced about a cat he once owned…a cat who was cursed by an evil sorcerer and transformed into a highbrow. Kalgon remembered how he and his cultural cat would sneak into plays and sometimes throw up in the back row. Dewey revealed that he was that same cat.

Tarquin and Gatormaid discussed the quandaries of love; Gatormaid lamented her loveless existence while Tarquin bragged about his liaison with Chambliss. Gatormaid replied that she’d had her share of mindless sex, but had learned that there’s no satisfaction without genuine love. Tarquin told her that she might just find true love with another kindred spirit. He started telling her about Dewey Claw, and Gatormaid noticed that Tarquin was just a little too enthusiastic in his praise. (“You really are part fairy, aren’t you?”)

Baron Üterrüs was tending his shop when Chambliss came in late for work. The Baron lectured her on her tardiness, particularly since she has so few responsibilities to begin with. Suddenly, he noticed the glow about her, and the familiar scent of passion. Chambliss confessed that he’d just had sex with Tarquin and then Dewey. She started to go into detail, but Üterrüs couldn’t bear to hear it (“Every word is like an alabaster shaft up my rectum!”). Üterrüs broke down and declared his love for her.

Gatormaid was moping along the street when Dewey Claw sauntered up cheerfully. They recognized each other as fellow human/animal hybrids. Gatormaid was overjoyed to meet another of her kind, not to mention being impressed by Dewey’s good manners. Dewey offered to teach her etiquette, and she was eager to learn. Dewey bade her farewell by licking his fingers and making a suggestive gesture.

Citizen Plough was gambling with some street urchins when King Kalgon approached. Kalgon wanted to be released from his burden, but Plough demanded an apology. Kalgon finally relented, and Plough lifted the crown from his brow.

PLOUGH: “Rise, my son. And when I say ‘rise, my son,’ I mean it in the most literal sense.”

King Plough revealed that he had an affair with Kalgon’s mother many years ago, and that Kalgon was indeed his son. This day had been a test, for one day Kalgon truly would be king. Kalgon was terrified by this revelation.

TO BE CONTINUED…

Season 6, Episode 4: Double-Dates and Double-Crosses

Episode 4: Double-Dates and Double-Crosses

King Plough returned from his visit to Queen Franklin of Atlantia, bringing back with him an exotic brew known as “Bud Light.” Magic Jones reluctantly informed the king that Kalgon had sold his throne and sword in a yard sale. The king was not pleased.

Francis of the Rock People apologized to Gatormaid for the destruction he brought to the forest, but she barely reacted. She explained that she was trying to suppress her gator temper and be more womanly, since Friar Kack had taken the magic emerald back to his monastery, dashing her hopes of becoming a complete alligator. Francis urged her to embrace her true nature, or at least her current one. He suggested that she indulge both her feminine and her reptilian desires; for example, having sex with a guy and then eating him.

Baron Üterrüs had brought King Plough’s throne to Tarquin’s treehouse as the first step in his redecorating scheme. The Baron told Tarquin about a wondrous invention he had devised, which he called “drywall.” However, Tarquin was thinking of forming natural walls by planting the magical seeds he had obtained, growing new trees around his house. Üterrüs was sickened by the elf’s devotion to nature, but agreed to Tarquin’s suggestion, as long as Üterrüs could install a touch of his own…wainscotting.

Kalgon snuck into Linens Und Thïngs and asked Chambliss to return the throne and sword. Chambliss was very happy with her purchase, and didn’t want her money back. Kalgon demanded to speak with her manager, and Baron Üterrüs emerged from behind the counter in a puff of smoke. Kalgon demanded the sword and the throne, threatening to use his “influence with the shadows.” Kalgon tried to punctuate his threat by smashing a vase, but it didn’t break.

Francis went to King Plough to request a vacation from his job holding up the castle, explaining that he now had additional responsibilities as the leader of Friar Kack’s order of monks. King Plough was intrigued by this revelation, and asked Francis to summon the monks. Unfortunately, being very dim, Francis had forgotten the mystic phrase to call them. The King refused to give Francis time off without proof of his new position. In response, Francis quit.

Magic Jones visited Gatormaid with a surprise…he had finally designed a chair especially for her unique anatomy. Gatormaid tried out the chair, and was amazed.

GATORMAID: “I’m sitting! I’m in great comfort! I’m…moving backwards? Is that supposed to happen?”

Looking behind her, she discovered that she was moving because Kalgon was trying to steal the chair out from under her, to use as a substitute for King Plough’s missing throne. Kalgon lamented that he was a failure both as a reformed man and as a thief. Jones and Gatormaid cheered him up with a game of crazyball.

Tarquin the Gangly planted his magic seeds around Chambliss Tucker’s Lincoln Navigator (which he still believed to be the skeleton of a dragon), praying to Gaea and Queen Titania to replenish the forest. His prayers woke up Chambliss, who came out of the car to say hello. As Tarquin explained what he was doing, several trees instantly grew around the car, blocking Chambliss from re-entering.

Kalgon confessed his crimes to King Plough, who angrily poked the thief with his substitute sword (which was too blunt and weak to do any damage). Kalgon realized that, by stealing the only effective weapon in the castle, he had left the entire kingdom defenseless. King Plough confirmed that “We are at the mercy of the dwarves, the elves, the trolls, and the smurfs!” It was only Plough’s reputation as a great warrior that held his enemies at bay; by disarming the king, Kalgon had exposed the kingdom’s weakness. However, King Plough was not angry, because “a man must fail before he succeeds.” He then ordered Kalgon to succeed in getting his stuff back.

Francis went to Linens Und Thïngs in search of a new job. Baron Üterrüs granted him a job interview, posing a very difficult decorating problem. Much to his surprise, Francis came up with a creative and intelligent solution (involving a trompe l’oeil painting). The Baron was amazed by Francis’ talent, and accepted him as his ally, his “third.” Üterrüs laughed maniacally, and Francis joined in (even though he didn’t get it).

Chambliss Tucker gave Gatormaid a makeover for her upcoming date, dressing her up in a beret and a feather boa. (“Now you look all Parisian and drunk!”) Gatormaid enthusiastically explained her plans for the evening (“I’m gonna fuck him, and then I’m gonna eat him!”). Chambliss gave Gatormaid a congratulatory smack on the arm.

Magic Jones was using his powers to hold up the castle in Francis’ absence. Francis came back to pick up some of his things, and told Jones about his new job with Baron Üterrüs. Jones was dismayed to realized that Francis had become Üterrüs’s “third.” Francis still couldn’t figure out what this meant. Jones explained that if Baron Üterrüs gathered “the four,” the entire kingdom would become one big barren uterus (“Just say his name and take out the umlauts!”). Francis refused to believe him, since Üterrüs had shown Francis the respect and appreciation that Plough and Jones never had.

At Tarquin’s treehouse, Baron Üterrüs objected to the chaotic, uncontrolled nature of the regrown forest. Tarquin admitted that there was something to be said for order. The Baron explained Tarquin’s un-elflike desire for dullness by telling him a “fable.” Many centuries ago, Üterrüs explained, a powerful wizard met an elfin woman, and they shared a love forbidden between humans and elves. The woman had a child, whose halfling nature she had to conceal. As the Baron related this “legend,” Kalgon snuck up behind him to take back King Plough’s sword.

King Plough was getting ready for his dates with Gatormaid and Chambliss Tucker, who were waiting simultaneously in two separate rooms in the castle. Plough asked Magic Jones to help him carry out this deception by taking his place with each woman whenever he was with the other. Wacky hijinks ensued as the king and the wizard raced back and forth between the two rooms. Eventually, the truth emerged. As Gatormaid and Chambliss stormed off in a huff, King Plough warned Jones that he had screwed up for the last time.

TO BE CONTINUED…

Season 6, Episode 3: The Friar This Time

Episode 3: The Friar This Time

Gatormaid was walking through the forest when the enigmatic Friar Kack arrived. He explained that he had been sent by his order to contact their master, Schmegma the Dragon. At the mention of Schmegma’s name, Gatormaid got carried away with emotion as she spoke of her connection with the dragon. Friar Kack gave her some wine to calm her down…a lot of wine, actually.

King Plough was away from the kingdom (either visiting Queen Franklin of Atlantia, or recovering from injuries sustained during his date with Gatormaid, depending on whom you believe). In his absence, Magic Jones was in charge of Castle Post. The wizard discovered Kalgon dragging the king’s throne outside the castle. Kalgon explained that, as the newly-appointed Knight Butler, he was cleaning up the castle by holding a yard sale. Magic Jones expressed his disapproval, and the two of them engaged in a brief swordfight.

Baron Üterrüs came to redecorate Tarquin’s treehouse. Tarquin received him as hospitably as possible, despite the fact that Tarquin was coming down with the Black Plague. The Baron examined Tarquin and informed him that he was ill because Francis was cursed to see his friends die around him; Tarquin was suffering from a second-hand curse. Tarquin urged the Baron to help him lift the curse, but Üterrüs replied that he was only hired as a decorator, not as a sorceror. When Tarquin learned that Kalgon was in Üterrüs’ debt for his services, Tarquin resolved to indebt himself to Kalgon.

In boulder form, Francis of the Rock People rolled up to Chambliss Tucker’s Lincoln Navigator. He told her about Tarquin’s illness, and she searched through the immense car until she found her first-aid kit. They sang a happy little jingle about first aid.

Friar Kack visited Kalgon’s yard sale in search of information. Kalgon informed Kack that Schegma had been slain by a woman from another age. Stunned by this revelation, Kack announced that his brethren would soon arrive for vengeance.

Running to spread the warning about the invading monks, Magic Jones ran into Francis. Discovering that Francis’ presence made him sneeze, Jones offered to prepare a salve (pronounced “saaaaaaalve”) to alleviate the curse. Then Jones remembered what he was doing, and warned Francis about the friars. After a very confused conversation, Magic suggested that Francis use his boulder form to roll over the friars when they arrive.

Chambliss Tucker arrived at the castle just as Kalgon was shutting down the yard sale. Kalgon insisted that the sale was over, but she finally pressured him into selling King Plough’s throne. When Kalgon quoted her a price of 10,000 gold pieces, she offered him some “treasures” from her era instead (baby powder, an asthma inhaler, etc.). When Kalgon learned that she had been sent by Baron Üterrüs, he offered to sell her the King’s sword cheap, and throw in the throne for free.

Having been told to kill the friars, Francis consulted Baron Üterrüs for advice on how to kill. The Baron noticed the emerald embedded in Francis’ fist, and they discussed the curse. Üterrüs agreed to help Francis, since Francis had done him a favor. Francis didn’t remember helping the Baron, so the Baron reminded him that two months ago, Francis was tunneling through the earth and came across a large rune-covered box, slightly larger than the Baron himself. Francis smashed through the box and went on his way, and now Üterrüs owed Francis a debt. To repay him, the Baron told Francis that he could remove the gem and lift the curse by sacrificing a life.

Gatormaid and Tarquin were preparing for the friars’ arrival and discussing Francis’ curse. Tarquin believed that the emerald could only be removed by the Queen of England, but that was probably just the plague talking.

Magic Jones met Friar Kack, informing the monk that he knew about Kack’s quest for vengeance. Jones warned the friar that he wouldn’t let Kack harm Chambliss Tucker (inadvertently revealing to Kack just who his target was). They engaged in a battle of magic, with Jones casting a spell of brain-freeze upon Kack, while Kack cast a spell of incontinence upon Jones. They realized that they were at a stand-off, so Jones made an insincere offer to lead Kack to Chambliss.

Chambliss Tucker brought King Plough’s sword to Linens Und Thïngs, where Baron Üterrüs collapsed at the sight of it. He urged her to take the sword far away, explaining that it was his weakness. Chambliss compared it to her weakness for Butterfingers, and how she faced her weakness and built up her willpower by holding the candy bar and resisting its power. She handed the sword to Üterrüs.

ÜTERRÜS: “IT BURNS! It Burns!…But now it burns a little less.”

Tarquin and Gatormaid ran into Kalgon, who was carrying his profits from the yard sale. He showed them the money that he had earned “legitimately,” and offered to share it with them. Tarquin told Kalgon that he was dying of the plague, and that his dying wish was for them to use the emerald’s power to protect the forest and undo its destruction. Kalgon realized that the emerald only had enough power to restore either the forest or Gatormaid, but not both.

Magic Jones led Friar Kack to the forest, where Francis was pretending to be Chambliss. Kack saw the enchanted emerald on Francis’ fist, and dropped to his knees in fealty. Francis dropped the ruse, since it hadn’t worked anyway. Friar Kack explained that, as Francis bore the Eye of Püff DeMagik, the dragon, Kack’s order owed Francis their obedience. Francis ordered Kack not to seek vengeance against Chambliss. Kack was torn between the two imperatives, but agreed to do as Francis said. Francis realized that, unlike Baron Üterrüs, Friar Kack had great goodness and honor in him, and that the friar could lift the curse without a blood sacrifice. Friar Kack removed the gem from Francis’ hand, freeing him from the curse. The monk told Francis that he could call on Kack’s brethren anytime by uttering the mystic phrase “Get on down here now!”

Resisting the pain of holding the sword, Baron Üterrüs plotted to summon a demon to restore his undead soul, which was stolen when the sword pierced his nether regions so many centuries ago.

TO BE CONTINUED…

Season 6, Episode 2: The Sword and the Stone

Episode 2: The Sword and the Stone

Kalgon, the fleet of foot and sleight of hand, was briefing Tarquin the Gangly and Francis of the Rock People on his plan to steal the enchanted emerald from the cave of the late Schmegma the Dragon. Francis didn’t approve of stealing, but agreed to do as Kalgon said.

Gatormaid petitioned King Plough for equal rights and fair treatment for the curse-afflicted.

PLOUGH: “Oh, and I suppose you’ll be wanting special parking places for your horse!”
GATORMAID: “I THINK I SHOULD PARK CLOSER!”
PLOUGH: “Well, since you said it louder than me, I agree.”

King Plough told Gatormaid that he understood what it was like to be alone and different from others, being a king. He invited her to his boudoir (“which, I believe, means bedroom”). Gatormaid suggested that he could visit her nest instead, but he declined.

At “Linens Und Thïngs,” Baron Üterrüs was training Chambliss Tucker in the art of flower arranging. Üterrüs observed that the King had taken to Chambliss, and proposed that she use her feminine persuasion to influence the King’s decisions.

Kalgon, Tarquin and Francis arrived at Smoke Mountain to take the emerald. Tarquin also grabbed a handful of miscellaneous treasure, but Francis shamed him into putting it back. Kalgon explained that the emerald would restore Gatormaid to her true self, and, as a side effect, would protect the forest from being turned into a parking lot. Finding the emerald embedded in the cave wall, Tarquin attempted to dislodge it with an arrow, to no effect. Francis managed to pry the emerald loose, causing an immediate thunderstorm and compelling Kalgon to sing. The adventurers discovered that the emerald was now embedded in Francis’ stone hand.

Gatormaid paid a visit to Baron Üterrüs for assistance with her curse. The Baron recalled that many years ago, when Smoke Mountain was known as Castle Gayskull, he possessed a great emerald…the eye of the Dragon God Püff DeMagik, father of Schmegma. The Baron explained that, when retrieved with the proper enchantment, the gem grants power over all things scaly. However, if it is removed with brute force, it brings a curse upon the taker.

Chambliss Tucker arrived at the King’s throne room and redecorated the window with a burlap drape. King Plough told her that, if she ever tires of working for Baron Üterrüs, she would always have a place by his side. He further explained that, since she had saved his life by slaying Schmegma, he must reward her by seeing to her comfort. She replied that she was most comfortable in her Lincoln Navigator.

Tarquin the Gangly brought Kalgon to his tree house and offered him some yak milk. Kalgon revealed that he was feeling remorse for his life of thievery, explaining that he only stole because he had nobody in his life. Tarquin understood the lengths to which loneliness can drive a man (or elf); he recalled how he had gone far north to find a companion, and wound up working at the home of a fat man in a red suit.

Unable to climb the tree and bored with waiting for Tarquin and Kalgon to come down, Francis was wandering through the forest when he came across Gatormaid cooking some raccoon stew. Gatormaid noticed the emerald stuck on Francis’ hand, and tried to tell him about the curse (though she was incoherent with panic).

Kalgon snuck into Linens Und Thïngs and shoplifted some material before greeting Baron Üterrüs. Kalgon asked the Baron for advice on sprucing up Tarquin’s treehouse, and Üterrüs began to envision his decorating scheme. Kalgon deliberately dropped the fabric he had stolen, then explained that he was having a crisis of conscience, and wanted to reform. The Baron was intrigued by the dual challenges of decorating a treehouse and re-corrupting Kalgon.

Later, King Plough consulted Baron Üterrüs for advice on decorating two different bedrooms for his separate dates with Gatormaid and Chambliss. As they conversed, the Baron began feeling unwell whenever Plough brought his sword close. The King explained the sword’s history: Many centuries ago, his ancestor, a simple ploughman named Donald Horowitz, confronted an evil tyrant whose name is long forgotten, overthrowing the villain by plunging an alabaster rod into his nether regions. The humble ploughman became King Plough the First, and commemorated his victory by turning the rod into a sword which was passed down through the ages. Baron Üterrüs had a flashback to his painful defeat.

Gatormaid and Chambliss Tucker were dishing about their upcoming dates, and eventually realized that they had both been asked out by King Plough. They started working on a scheme to teach the King a lesson.

Kalgon called upon King Plough to ask for honest employment. The King admitted that he was in need of someone to clean the castle, since he’d grown too dependent on Magic Jones’ cleaning spells. Plough dubbed Kalgon his new Knight Butler, and told him to get to work. Immediately, Kalgon quit. He explained that he just couldn’t bring himself to do honest work, since all he knew was thievery. King Plough convinced Kalgon to return by explaining that his position as butler would grant him great opportunity for stealing.

Tarquin was frolicking in the forest when Francis rushed up, greatly troubled. Because of the gem’s curse, foliage was dying wherever Francis passed. At Francis’ urging, Tarquin communed with nature in the Elvish tongue and learned all about the curse. Tarquin urged Francis to backtrack over his steps so that he won’t pass by any more plants. Francis decided to go one better, and turned himself into an immobile boulder.

Atop Smoke Mountain, Baron Üterrüs was wrestling with the problem of how to take King Plough’s sword when it’s the very thing that weakens him. He decided to manipulate the townspeople into taking the sword far away…after which, Baron Üterrüs would rule once more!

TO BE CONTINUED…

Season 6, Episode 1: The Fellowship of Ye Little Points of Five

And now, a new season, a new cast of characters, and a new setting...this time, the realms of fantasy!

Episode 1: The Fellowship of Ye Little Points of Five

Our tale begins with the master thief Kalgon entering the treasure room of the Mountain of Smoke. As the treasures were too heavy for him to haul off, he staked his claim by writing his name upon the wall. As he did so, he noticed embedded in the wall the largest gem he’d ever seen. Grabbing a nearby mallet, he pounded away at the gem but was unable to dislodge it. He decided to seek out someone he could trick into assisting him. Kalgon left, unaware that his pounding had awakened the dreaded dragon Schmegma. As the dragon read the intruder’s name upon the wall, Kalgon returned to retrieve his pencil. Kalgon immediately fled screaming at the sight of Schmegma.

In his castle, King Plough consulted with the wizard Magic Jones on how to improve Ye Little Points of Five. King Plough suggested forging his hoard of precious metals into plates to cover the holes in the roads, but Jones preferred the idea of turning the metal into artworks. King Plough snapped at Jones’ suggestion, then apologized, explaining that he was upset because Queen Franklin of Atlantia had refused his invitation to tea. Jones offered to use his staff’s enchanted crystal to spy on Queen Franklin, and they observed her taking a shower. King Plough took the wizard’s staff for “safekeeping,” and the unsupported Jones collapsed.

Out in the forest, the adventurers Tarquin the Gangly and Gatormaid were relaxing by the fire. Gatormaid’s reptilian legs and tail made it difficult for her to sit, so the elf offered himself as a chair. Suddenly, Tarquin’s ox Thacko sensed a disturbance in the distance. Alerted to danger, Tarquin and Gatormaid sniffed the air and immediately recognized the smell of Schmegma. They set off to consult the elders to find out how to defeat the dragon.

Meanwhile, the wicked Baron Üterrüs was working at his lair of evil, “Linens Und Thïngs,” when King Plough entered, seeking assistance on beautifying Castle Post. Üterrüs suggested window treatments. When Plough asked him to explain what he meant, Üterrüs looked the king in the eye and planted the vision in his head. Impressed, Plough hired the Baron as his royal decorator, giving him free rein and the keys to the castle.

Tarquin the Gangly rode to Castle Post and warned Magic Jones about Schmegma’s awakening. Tarquin recalled that his people lost 8,000 of their number in the last battle with Schmegma…of course, the elves are ALWAYS losing 8,000 of their number in some disaster or another.

Still fleeing in terror, Kalgon ran into Francis of the Rock People. Kalgon attempted to explain what he saw, gesticulating wildly. As he did so, a mask fell from Kalgon’s sleeve (or from the heavens, depending on whom you believe). Kalgon tried on the mask, and Francis was unable to recognize him, despite the fact that Kalgon had donned the mask right in front of Francis’ eyes. (“The mask has special powers! File that one away.”) Removing the mask and resuming their conversation, Kalgon reminded Francis of the time Francis attempted to hold up a collapsing dam, but let go after a stick hit him in the eye. Francis resolved not to fail again.

On his way back to the castle, King Plough was napping in the forest when Schmegma arrived. As the dragon attacked, a mysterious portal suddenly opened behind them, and a 2003 Lincoln Navigator emerged and ran over Schmegma. As the confused driver emerged from the car, King Plough thanked the mysterious savior who had slain the dragon. The woman explained that she had just been on the way to pick up her kids and was talking on her cell phone when she suddenly found herself here. Plough invited her to the castle, then celebrated Schmegma’s death with a victory song.

Baron Üterrüs was checking the windows at Castle Post when Magic Jones entered. The two old adversaries faced off, but Jones’ spells could do no more than give the Baron a very slight fever. Üterrüs gloated that Jones’ powers were weak, and that he would be no more if he exhausted his powers. The Baron then addressed Jones as “My old master.”

As Gatormaid was preparing dinner in the woods, Kalgon arrived wearing the enchanted mask. Gatormaid recognized Kalgon regardless, and permitted him to mooch some of her food. Removing the mask, Kalgon explained that he had awakened Schmegma. At the mention of the dragon’s name, Gatormaid’s interest was piqued. She revealed that, as she was of Schmegma’s kind, the jewel in his lair could restore her to her full alligator self. Kalgon explained that the gem had fallen down the mountain, then donned the mask once again. Gatormaid told him that the mask’s powers don’t fool her “gator senses,” explaining that she got a tingling feeling running down her reptile half below the legs. (“Let me get this straight. I turn on your reptilian self, but not the woman in you?”)

Francis of the Rock People ran into Tarquin the Gangly. They soon realized that they were both searching for Schmegma, and decided to join forces. Finding a weapons rack, Tarquin grabbed a bow and arrows, while Francis attempted to pick up a sword between his stone hands.

King Plough led his new acquaintance, Chambliss Tucker, to Castle Post.

PLOUGH: “I rule all you can see…unless you have really excellent vision, because I don’t rule that over there in the distance.”

Chambliss was impressed by the castle, explaining that she’d never met royalty before. Plough replied that he could make her a queen. Suddenly, Baron Üterrüs entered and was stunned by the sight of Chambliss, whom he mistook for his lost love Ilsabetta. After Plough introduced them to each other, Üterrüs offered Chambliss a position as an apprentice in his redecorating business.

Magic Jones was preparing to cast a spell to organize a parade, when Gatormaid rushed in. Jones offered her a seat, which she was unable to use comfortably. Gatormaid asked why Jones hadn’t yet found a potion to restore her. He apologized for his fading powers, and cautioned her that she might need to seek out a stronger wizard. Jones resolved to keep trying to restore her…or at least design a chair that she can actually sit in.

Searching for Schmegma, Tarquin and Francis discovered Chambliss Tucker’s Lincoln Navigator in the forest. Mistaking the strange metal chariot for a dragon, they were about to attack when Kalgon arrived and informed them that Schmegma had been slain. Tarquin was disappointed that their adventure was over before they’d even started, but Kalgon offered them a new quest to retrieve the lost gem from the dragon’s lair.

Baron Üterrüs was showing Chambliss around his shop, explaining that he was in the business of potions, spells, murder and decorating. He told Chambliss that he was strongly attracted to her, but she explained that she has a husband back home in Marietta. Besides, a relationship wouldn’t be a good idea because he was her boss (not to mention being kind of scary). Chambliss asked what there was to eat in this neighborhood, and Üterrüs suggested “elvin goodies, dwarvish tidbits, and hobbit little pies.”

CHAMBLISS: “Well, I’ll try anything once.”
ÜTERRÜS: “Really? How do you feel about necrophilia?”

TO BE CONTINUED…