Episode 6: Orcs and Knives
The orc army gathered outside Ye Little Points of Five finally attacked, and King Plough and his son Kalgon were in the midst of the battle. They regrouped to the safety of a nearby arch, realizing that they must retreat and gather reinforcements. Kalgon thanked his father for having the integrity to go into battle himself and put his own life on the line. (“What kind of ruler would get into a war for economic gain and then send others to do the fighting?”) They had a moment of silence for their fallen knight Jam Master Jay.
Baron Üterrüs confronted Francis of the Rock People regarding Francis’ going back to his old job holding up the castle. Francis apologized for giving in to Kalgon’s request, and Üterrüs gladly took him back. Francis told Üterrüs about the battle, including the bizarre fact that all of the orcs and hobblegoblins just ignored him. The Baron explained that they had left him alone because Üterrüs had ordered it. He confided to Francis that he had orchestrated the attack in order to get back the alabaster sword which could restore his powers.
FRANCIS: “If you are the interior designer you are now, imagine what you could do at your full power!”
Tarquin the Gangly knocked on Chambliss Tucker’s door, and was startled by her car alarm. They talked about their recent three-way with Dewey Claw, and Tarquin assured her that he wouldn’t leave the way Dewey had. Tarquin explained his feelings for her by singing a song about the death of his dog, and how he’d never felt love so strongly until now. Chambliss reminded him that she was still married, and Tarquin was taken aback. He’d been planning to marry Chambliss and start a family, but Chambliss informed him that that boat had sailed, and those tubes had been tied.
On their way back, King Plough and Kalgon stopped in a cave for shelter, where they found Magic Jones living in exile. Since Plough fired him, Jones had been reading a book Chambliss gave him: “What Color Is Your Parachute?” Now that he was no longer employed as a wizard, he’d found a new calling…being a lifeguard! Plough and Kalgon realized that they could use someone to guard their lives on the battlefield. Plus, Jones’ annoying prattle might distract the orcs and get them to attack HIM instead.
PLOUGH: “Now we have a magic-user, a swordsman, and a thief! All we need is…”
JONES: “A battle-cry!”
PLOUGH: “I was going to say a cleric, but close enough.”
Chambliss Tucker came into Linens Und Thïngs drunk and late for work. She blamed her tardiness on Daylight Savings Time, but this concept was unfamiliar to the Baron. When he lectured her on her poor work performance, she countered that the store was losing business because of his high prices. She suggested that he could increase sales by lowering prices and advertising. Üterrüs was impressed by her business sense.
Returning to the kingdom, King Plough addressed the masses with a rousing speech about the battle with the orcs. Plough urged the people to support him in the war and in the upcoming primary election. Suddenly, Francis entered and grabbed the alabaster sword, inserting it into his stony body so that Plough couldn’t take it back. When Plough asked why, Francis pointed out that Plough hadn’t even noticed him fighting alongside him on the battlefield, whereas Baron Üterrüs had shown him gratitude.
Baron Üterrüs and Chambliss were about to leave to spread their advertising campaign when Tarquin burst in and declared his love for Chambliss. He threatened to commit suicide if Chambliss wouldn’t take him. Taking Tarquin aside, Chambliss told him that she couldn’t commit to saying she loved him, but urged him not to kill himself. She suggested that he take that anguish and rage and take it out on the orcs and goblins. Taking her advice, Tarquin walked away, chanting “Kill! Kill! Kill!”
Magic Jones was coaching Kalgon in the ways of war. Kalgon confessed that this was the first time he’d come face to face with his own mortality, and that he was terrified. Jones reassured him that everybody had their own personal afterlife waiting for him. Kalgon replied that he was an atheist, which meant that his afterlife would be nothingness. Jones agreed to guard Kalgon’s life so that he could reconsider his spiritual beliefs. Kalgon accidentally hit himself in the head with his sword, and Jones did his duty by healing him.
Baron Üterrüs was alone in the store when Francis burst through the wall a la Kool-Aid Man. Francis had come to return the alabaster sword, so that Üterrüs could regain his powers and become the greatest interior designer of all time. The Baron replied that he would not only be an interior designer, but an exterior designer as well…he would not only arrange people’s furniture, he would arrange their lives and thoughts as well. Üterrüs laughed maniacally.
King Plough asked Magic Jones to make him proficient with a new weapon now that the alabaster sword had been stolen once again. Jones cast a spell on his lifeguard’s whistle, then told Plough that, by blowing the whistle, he could freeze the orcs in their tracks for a brief period.
Tarquin went to Kalgon and asked to enlist in the army. Tarquin had replaced his bow with a couple of Molly hatchets so that the battle would be a more visceral, hands-on experience. Kalgon recognized Tarquin’s newfound bloodlust as the rage that only comes from a broken heart.
Chambliss Tucker worked the crowed and sang the new jingle for Linens Und Thïngs.
On the battlefield, Tarquin and Kalgon faced off against an unstoppable orc. Suddenly, King Plough entered the fray and blew his enchanted whistle. The orc froze in place, but Plough congratulated himself a little too long, allowing the orc to recover and whack him on the head. As the King fell, Tarquin’s ox Thacko managed to slay the orc by goring it. Kalgon knelt beside his father, who told him that he would have to take the crown. Kalgon protested that he was too weak to handle the responsibilities of being King, but Plough told him that he could take on his strength by taking his mustache. Kalgon pled with his father not to die; Plough replied that the only thing that could save him was the alabaster sword, but it was nowhere to be found. Suddenly, Francis rushed in with the sword. But would Plough reach it in time?
TO BE CONTINUED…