Thursday, March 18, 2010

Season 15, Episode 4: Mother and Child Reunion

Episode 4: Mother and Child Reunion

The Professor, Chief Barto, and Patrick Anderson were STILL in a stand-off in the alley, with Barto and Pat confronting the Professor about his work for the Viet Cong (who gave the Professor the nickname “The Black Rambo”). The Professor admitted his past, but said that he still needed to call in a favor from Barto…he needed Barto to kill “the retard” (meaning Perry Fippler). Barto was appalled that, after killing Americans, the Professor would ask him to kill yet another American (and a mentally disabled one at that).

Nipsey was going over the online gift registry for her baby when she got a surprise visitor…her mother Caroline, whom she hadn’t seen in 20 years! Caroline explained that she’d been working on the space station for all these years, but they let her out once she found the cure for cancer. Nipsey was upset with Caroline for abandoning her in a puddle when Nipsey was 9, but Caroline explained that she just wanted her daughter to be a survivor. Caroline wanted to be a family with Nipsey once again, and hoped that Nipsey would name her baby after her (even though it’s a boy). Nipsey agreed to give her mother a chance, but warned that if Caroline disappointed her, she was prepared for matricide.

Perry went to the hospital to see the comatose Michael Cash. The doctor informed Perry that Michael had suffered “a bad boo-boo in his head.” He explained that Michael could hear what was said to him, but in his unconscious state, his mind might interpret Perry’s words in a nightmarish manner. Perry replied that he would be careful not to talk about scary things, like vampires and monsters…then went on and on and on about vampires and monsters. He then assured Michael that he would make sure Michael was awake in time for Perry and Nipsey’s wedding, even if he had to give up an organ to do it.

Elsewhere in the hospital, Santiago and Lois were waiting for news from the doctor. The doctor arrived and informed them that they’d lost the baby…in fact, he had it right there in his pocket. As Santiago cried hysterically, Lois melodramatically bemoaned that everything she touches goes wrong. Suddenly, Lois was struck by an idea: They could use the baby’s tissue to save Michael. Rather than go through all the red tape, they decided to sneak into Michael’s room and slip the baby into his IV.

The Professor placed a long-distance call to Vietnam, asking them to send over his REAL file…the one that would prove he was really a heroic double agent for the US. Thrilled to hear from “The Black Rambo,” the Vietnamese consulate acceded to his wishes.

Nipsey was helping her mother move in, while bringing Caroline up to date about her relationship with Perry. Caroline resolved to make up for lost time by being the best mom ever…until the baby comes, when Nipsey becomes the best mom. On the subject of family, Nipsey wanted to know about her own father, but Caroline refused to tell her anything about him.

Perry, Santiago and Pat were preparing a farewell song in case Michael doesn’t make it. Perry and Pat asked Santiago to compose a number in salsa style. Santiago informed them that, to be true to the salsa spirit, they must hoist him onto their shoulders as he sings. Perry accidentally gripped too high on Santiago’s inner thigh (if you know what I mean), causing Santiago to hit a high note.

The Professor attempted to explain himself to Chief Barto, but Barto refused to listen; when the Professor tried to give him the real file, Barto get-some’d it out of the Professor’s hands. The Professor said that he would lay down his life for Barto…if he could, he would pull out his own entrails and make them into a path leading to a magical place where everything was all right between them. Simultaneously touched and nauseated by the Professor’s speech, Barto embraced his old partner.

Caroline ran into Lois in the cereal aisle of the Publix. Furious, Caroline accused Lois of betraying her. Lois tried to get Caroline’s sympathy by showing Caroline her baby. Caroline responded by biting its head off. As the argument continued, the truth came out…Caroline had NOT been curing cancer on the space station all these years; she had really been in prison with Lois. When Lois got out on a work-release program to work at W.T. Friday’s, Caroline felt double-crossed and busted out. Caroline demanded to switch places with Lois…and she also insisted that Nipsey must never know the truth about her criminal past.

In Michael’s room, Santiago distracted the doctor by throwing tongs at him, then made a fake intercom announcement calling him to the second floor. Alone with Michael, Santiago confessed that he was responsible for Michael’s condition…he was so jealous over Michael’s affair with Lois that he cut his brake lines again. When the doctor returned, tongs in hand, Santiago explained his idea to implant the baby into Michael. The doctor prepared to put it in with the tongs, like a life-sized game of Operation. Santiago warned him not to touch the sides or the buzzer would go off.

Nipsey told Perry that she wanted to name their son Caroline, after her mother. They agreed that, with a name like Caroline and parents like them, their son would be sure to have a well-adjusted, problem-free childhood.

In the Jungle Room, Pat and the Professor were playing cards. Pat was glad to see that the Professor had renounced his Communist past and embraced capitalism in its purest form: gambling. They talked about changing their lives, and suggested forming a Coalition of the Changing. The Professor then changed the subject to Nipsey and Perry’s relationship; the Professor couldn’t stand to think of Nipsey marrying a “retard,” and swore not to let it happen. Pat somehow got the idea that the Professor was going to recruit Nipsey into the porn industry.

Caroline went to Chief Barto with a file full of evidence against Lois (explaining that she found it in a storage facility). Caroline explained that this proved Lois’ responsibility in a notorious kidnapping 20 years ago. Overwhelmed, Barto resolved to bring Lois to justice. Caroline offered to wear a wire. Barto said he hadn’t even begun an investigation yet, but Caroline kept on offering to wear a wire until he agreed to let her. Caroline did a happy dance.

Pat, Perry, and Santiago gathered around Michael’s bedside to sing their farewell song. For the full effect, the three of them climbed onto the bed and rocked back and forth as they sang. The doctor entered, took one look at the situation, and left.


Friday, March 12, 2010

Season 15, Episode 3: Hate-Crush

Episode 3: Hate-Crush

Michael Cash arrived in his office to find Lois waiting for their liaison (one of her demands when they renegotiated her contract). Feeling used, Michael reminded her that she could only have his body, not his heart. Suddenly, he noticed a note on his desk reading “I Know What You Did.”

Assistant night shift supervisor Perry Fippler was alphabetizing the tea when Nipsey came in with the news that she was late. Checking his watch, Perry replied that she was right on time. She explained that she wasn’t talking about work…she meant she’s pregnant. Perry was thrilled, though he warned her that his genetics meant there was a 1 in 10 chance that the baby would have lobster claws. He envisioned their life together as a family, but Nipsey wanted no part of his fantasy future.

Santiago came to the dishwashing station only to be ambushed when Patrick Anderson sprung out from underneath the sink. Pat was determined to get to the bottom of Sam Friday’s disappearance, and tried to force Santiago into cooperating by taking his washbin.

The Professor and Chief Cornelius Barto were reminiscing about their old times on the force. Barto told the Professor that he owed him a big favor for taking the fall for him years ago…if need be, he could even have someone killed for the Professor. As the Chief praised the Professor’s heroism in Vietnam, the Professor reluctantly admitted that he fought not for America, but for the Viet Cong.

Michael was trying to go over some reports with Perry, but Perry’s mind was elsewhere. When Perry explained that he was thinking about his night with Nipsey (and trying to recreate her “tugboat” orgasm noise), Michael congratulated him on getting lucky…not only with Nipsey, but with his new promotion from assistant night shift supervisor to official night shift supervisor.

Nipsey brought out some scraps to the Professor’s alley, then confessed that she was pregnant with Perry’s child…and that it might have lobster-claws. The Professor informed her that this could be a blessing in disguise. He explained that Perry was secretly wealthy, so if she married him and something happened to him, she’d get a lot of money. He then remarked that he knows somebody who owes him a favor and could have Perry killed.

Devastated by the Professor’s confession, Chief Barto lashed out, turning over tables and breaking dishes. He handed his gun to Pat Anderson and told Pat to put him out of his misery, since he couldn’t live with the shame of his mentor being a Communist. Pat suggested that they kill the Professor instead, by doing what they do best…undercover work.

Santiago and Lois were having a picnic outside the restaurant, as she recalled the picnics she and her family took when she was five years old…and her father told her to go down to the creek with a stranger. Santiago consoled her by giving her a Capri Sun. She told Santiago about her affair with Michael, explaining that she didn’t like him, but must exploit him. Despite the fact that it was a “hate-crush,” Santiago was still jealous. He confessed to Lois that he was attracted to her because she’s dangerous, and could kill him at any moment.

Disguised as elderly businessman tourists, Barto and Pat infiltrated the Professor’s alley. The Professor mistook them for fellow bums, offending Pat. Fed up, Barto pulled off his sunglasses and drew his gun, threatening to kill the Professor if he didn’t leave the country. In response, the Professor walked right up to Barto’s gun.

Nipsey and Perry went to the salad bar and asked Lois to be their child’s godmother. (“All I want is for our child to get spiritual advice from a convict.”) Lois agreed, then revealed that she was pregnant as well. They all hugged.

Michael and Santiago met to discuss their “Silencio Brothers” agreement to keep Sam Friday’s death a secret. Michael confessed that he had told Perry, while Santiago admitted that he had told Nipsey. Santiago admitted another secret…he had slept with Lois (prompting Michael to ask “WHY?”). Michael cried that he wished it was him lying in the swamp instead of Sam.

The next morning, Pat, Barto, and the Professor were still frozen in their stand-off. Barto finally dropped his gun, crying that he couldn’t kill his mentor. The Professor confessed that, while he did fight for the Viet Cong, he did it only as part of a deep-cover operation.

Perry, Nipsey, Lois and Santiago were being all glowy in their impending parenthood (slightly puzzled that Lois’ pregnancy was advancing faster than Nipsey’s). Perry was a little freaked out that Nipsey was now being nice to him, but he was reassured when he saw the hate hidden in her eyes. She confessed that she and the Professor were considering a plan to kill him. Perry was pleased that their relationship was back to normal. Santiago and Lois awkwardly excused themselves.

Leaving the restaurant, Michael discovered that his brakes weren’t working. His car crashed as he cried out “What the Friday’s?!”

In the alley, the Professor explained that while he had infiltrated the Viet Cong under orders, he still didn’t deserve to live. Pat remarked “So we’re all in agreement.”

The restaurant staff returned to Michael’s office from the hospital, carrying his remains in a pan. They discussed the future of W.T. Friday’s, wondering who should be in charge now. After they agreed that Perry was most qualified, they found a note from Michael on the desk. Michael wrote that he feared that somebody was out to get him, and if something should happen to him, he was leaving the restaurant to the one person he could trust—Lois! Just then, Lois’ water broke.


Friday, March 5, 2010

Season 15, Episode 2: The Weird and the Wired

Episode 2: The Weird and the Wired

W.T. Friday’s manager Michael Cash was going over last night’s business with Perry Fippler, when Perry noticed a stain on Michael’s desk. Thinking it was chocolate, Perry tasted it, then realized it was blood. Michael attempted to explain the bloodstain by claiming that he’d been holding dogfights in his office, but finally admitted that Sam Friday was dead and that he’d thrown Sam’s body into the swamp.

Nipsey the waitress brought some dishes to the dishwasher Santiago, who appeared distracted. Guilt-ridden over his part in Sam’s death, Santiago asked Nipsey if she’d ever made a huge mistake. She confessed that she’d accidentally killed her brother in high school. (“It was a slumber party that got out of hand. He went to freeze a girl’s bra, and wound up hanging from the ceiling fan.”) Moved by her confession, Santiago admitted that he’d cut the brakes on Michael’s car, thinking it would just result in a slapstick chase.

Police Chief Cornelius Barto was having dinner with Patrick Anderson, explaining that budget cuts had forced the chief to work out of the restaurant. They reminisced about Pat’s days on the force, when he worked undercover and earned the nickname “Deep Beard.” Cornelius asked Pat to return to the job and track down Sam Friday.

Having switched places for a week, Lois and the Professor were comparing notes; he’d never realized how complex her salad-bar job actually was. The Professor wanted to switch back, but Lois would rather stay homeless than go back to work in the restaurant…mainly because she just couldn’t take the birthday song any more. Finally, they agreed to go back to their original positions. The Professor informed her that his fortunes should soon be changing…he’d used the ’80s cell phone to call his past self and told him to invest in Apple. The Professor figured his new past should be catching up with him any second now.

While doing her closing tasks, Nipsey noticed that Michael appeared troubled. He asked if she believed that time heals all wounds, and she replied that she lived by those words…she even had a tramp-stamp tattoo of her motto. He told her about all the problems he’d been having with the restaurant, and she assured him “If you need to dump on someone, I’m here for you.” Misunderstanding, Michael said he didn’t know she was into that.

Santiago went out to the alley and found the Professor, who explained that this alley is his summer home. Santiago envied his living arrangements, revealing that he shared an apartment with 25 other people. (“We sleep in bunk beds with no beds.”) The Professor sympathized, saying that he knew what it was like to be a stranger in a strange land. (“I fought in Vietnam…not for America.”)

Chief Barto greeted Lois at the salad bar, recognizing her from her time in prison. He asked her how many people she’d killed lately, but she informed him that she’d resisted the temptation to kill the customers. She picked up Barto’s yellow phone, but he warned her that this phone calls anybody in the government except the President. (“Because that would be the red phone”) Lois made a prank call to the Surgeon General, then reminisced about the time Barto came into her cell and shanked her. Barto confessed that that wasn’t a knife…it was just that his penis had been sharpened in a horrible accident. They quickly changed the subject.

Noticing that a kitchen hose had been unwound, Perry followed it to find Pat washing his car in the parking lot. When Perry informed Pat that he was using the restaurant’s water, Pat went off on a rant about water belonging to everybody, then switched gears by accusing Perry of killing Sam. When Pat described Sam as “harmless as a Teddy Ruxpin,” Perry recalled the time he put a Weird Al Yankovic tape in his Teddy Ruxpin, explaining at length who Weird Al is. Perry then noticed that Pat was wearing a wire, and started following the cord back to its source.

After closing time, Michael, Pat, and Santiago were playing a friendly game of cards…which stopped being friendly when Pat remarked on Santiago’s accent and accused him of being from Belize. Just then, Perry came in following the wire; realizing he’d just traced it back to Pat, he left. As Pat tried to press Michael and Santiago for information on Sam’s disappearance, Michael warned him to stop snooping or he’d revoke Pat’s senior discount.

Nipsey and Lois were having a Girls’ Night In when Perry arrived, following the wire. Nipsey asked Perry if he’d ever been to a slumber party before; he replied that he had, but he wound up hanging from the ceiling. As Lois reminisced about the slumber parties of her youth, Perry pushed her out of the room so he could be alone with Nipsey. He began reading her a speech he’d prepared for their wedding, then broke down in tears.

Chief Barto greeted the Professor. The Professor lamented that his attempt to change the past had failed…turned out the phone really was just a phone FROM the ’80s, not TO the ’80s. The Professor and the Chief reminisced about their past as partners, until it all went bad. The Professor took the fall and got kicked off the force, leaving it open for Barto to become Chief. Barto offered to reinstate the Professor and put him on the Sam Friday case. (“We need men like you, who don’t expect to be paid.”)

Michael called Lois to his office for her evaluation, informing her that she’s the best employee he has. She replied that she didn’t want a raise or promotion…she just wanted to go back to jail. Michael replied that he knew she hated it here, but the restaurant needed her. (“Without you, these people would have no salads!”) He offered to renegotiate her contract, asking what it would take to make her want to stay. Lois started thinking…

Santiago was about to start his car when Pat popped up in the back seat. Just then, Perry came along following the wire, then left in a huff when he saw he’d just come back to Pat again. Pat explained to Santiago that he was trying to frustrate Perry into confessing. Pat then tried to get Santiago to admit his part in the cover-up by bribing him with a dollar.

Nipsey woke up to the sound of Perry singing “Like a Surgeon.” Realizing that she’d spent the night with Perry, Nipsey was appalled by her mistake…even moreso when Perry mentioned that they hadn’t used protection. Nipsey insisted that she could never be drunk enough to sleep with Perry, and demanded to know what had happened. Perry explained that he’d read her some of his love poems, which made her lose control. (“My poetry is like Rohypnol.”) He then began reciting another verse.