Episode 8: Misery and Company
Shula Goldamayer was holding Angelo Lansbury captive in a remote mountain cabin, as revenge for his shooting her foot off. (She now had a prosthetic leg.) Angelo apologized, but Shula said that wasn’t enough…she demanded that he shoot himself to make up for it.
In his office, Orville Furman delivered a Shakespearean soliloquy on the loss of his cocaine. Walking past, Sir John Holmes overheard the monologue and entered, suggesting that Furman pursue a career in the theatre. Furman introduced himself, though he couldn’t remember whether he was Chief, Captain, or Detective. Suddenly, Holmes’ keen deductive senses kicked into high gear. Finding a pop-top on the floor, Holmes and Furman set out on a mission to find the litterbug.
Dan Mandarino and the pregnant Officer Snatch were sharing some quality time in Snatch’s apartment, when they were interrupted by the unexpected arrival of Snatch’s old flame and Dan’s longtime rival, Jim McMayonnaise.
The Commodore was in the office at Pepino’s, working at the computer, when Officer Simpson returned to the scene of her kidnapping. The Commodore explained that he was writing a program to set things in motion, and asked Simpson what she had done with the futuristic 3¼ inch diskette he had given her. She couldn’t remember, but thought she might have put it with her cassette tapes.
Jim McMayonnaise revealed that he had been traded to Miami, and was going to replace Dan as the superstar player. Jim and Dan one-upped each other’s career highlights.
Having followed Shula’s demand by shooting himself in the hand, Angelo Lansbury pleaded for his life. She made him beg in a baby voice, which suddenly awoke her womanly instincts. Shula took Angelo in her arms.
Furman and Holmes were on the trail of the litterbug when Furman recognized the footprints as belonging to the supplier of his “sinus medicine.” Holmes realized that Furman was talking about Angelo Robespierre Lansbury, and Furman was amazed that Holmes had been able to learn Angelo’s middle name. Holmes explained that only a few short years ago, England was completely cocaine-free, until Angelo flooded the market with his product, causing the decline of the British Empire.
As Shula Goldamayer was sleeping in the afterglow, Angelo picked up the phone and called for a car to pick him up. He hurriedly hung up as Shula woke up and offered him latkes. She informed Angelo that the sex changed nothing between them, and that she was still going to take as much revenge as she could within the confines of the law. (“I can’t kill you, but I can ask you to shoot yourself.”) Angelo threatened to use his money and influence to replace her as mayor, and she in turn threatened to burn his cocaine fields. Angelo cut the strap to her prosthetic leg and made his getaway.
After returning to his office, Angelo checked his inventory and discovered that all of his cocaine was gone. He called the warehouse and spoke to his foreman, Reynaldo. In the course of several hours of explanation and pleading, Reynaldo revealed that somebody had come in and taken all the cocaine. Angelo told Reynaldo not to worry, and reassured him that somebody would come around to kill him shortly.
Simpson broke into Buster Banks’ abandoned porn studio, thrilling in the smell of sex. She set up Buster’s camera and got onto the couch, filming her own “big scene” as she sang a ballad about her troubles. Hearing the disturbance, Snatch burst into the studio. They argued about Snatch’s affair with the Commodore, and Simpson shot Snatch in the foot again. (If it weren’t for her full-body armor and bulletproof pantyhose, Snatch would be in really bad shape.)
Dan Mandarino called Angelo’s office, but the receptionist refused to take his call. Shula Goldamayer burst in, and Dan explained that nobody would give him the time of day since Jim McMayonnaise replaced him as Miami’s football hero. Shula tried to rouse Jim’s confidence by reciting a Styx song. Dan came up with a plan to destroy Jim by elevating him to the mayor’s office, then bringing him down. But to do that, he’d need to get rid of the current mayor. He shoved a gag in Shula’s mouth.
Sir John Holmes led Detective Furman to the cabin where Angelo had been held captive, only to discover the Commodore already there. Holmes fulfilled his promise from last week by giving the Commodore the key to the UNIX operating system. Furman changed the subject by revealing that he had used his authority to raid Angelo’s warehouse and load the entire supply of cocaine into a U-Haul. Holmes asked Furman why he had gone through that whole withdrawal ordeal when he had a U-Haul full of coke.
Dan Mandarino was putting up campaign posters when Jim McMayonnaise came by. Jim informed Dan that he had the sex tape of Dan’s affair with Poppi, and threatened to make the tape public unless Dan left town and transferred to the Detroit Lions.
Angelo was putting up “Lost Cocaine” posters when Detective Furman walked by, rubbing Angelo’s nose in his loss before walking on.
Simpson and Snatch had worked out their problems and come to an arrangement regarding the Commodore and Snatch’s babies. When the Commodore arrived, they asked him to join them in a three-way marriage. The Commodore then revealed his own plan. Since Snatch was carrying twins, one fathered by the Commodore and one by Dan Mandarino, the Commodore had devised a method to combine the twins into a single baby. (“Think of it! A baby that is as smart as a nerd, but with the social skills of a quarterback! A superbaby that can survive high school!”)
Out on the streets, Angelo was looking for his lost cocaine when Jim McMayonnaise arrived. Jim repeated some advice that Mike Ditka had given him: “When in doubt, take down everybody around you.” Jim explained that he would use Dan’s sex tape (“Road House of Ass”) to ruin Dan’s career, use the momentum to run Jim for mayor, then legalize cocaine and appoint Angelo the Secretary of Cocaine and the Interior. Jim revealed that he had already set his plan in motion, then turned on a TV to show that the sex tape was being played on every news program.
TO BE CONTINUED…