Tuesday, July 28, 2009

Season 14, Episode 13: CG I, Robot

Episode 13: CG I, Robot

Robbie ‘Bad Decisions’ Knisions confronted Babs Bunkler over her plans, telling her he wouldn’t let her take over the “circlus” (which he then defined as the circle of friends within the circus). When she made a move towards him, he was knocked down before she even made contact. She then proceeded to beat him up without ever touching him.

Meanwhile, Deb Henderson and Sasha were working out their own plan to kill Babs. They decided to wait outside Babs’ window, blending into the night be pretending to be animals: Sasha would be a lion, and Deb would be an eagle with a snake in her mouth. Then, Sasha would tear open Babs’ chest, pull out her implants, juggle them, and then rip out Babs’ heart and eat it on white bread.

The CGI robot Reggie told the CGI robot Viktoria about Babs’ latest orders for them: They were to fire the entire circus staff, and dig a pit for them to fall into on the way out. Viktoria agreed, then confessed that since learning her true nature, she felt a great hunger all the time…but now that she knows she’s not human, food does nothing for her.

Michel Jacquesonne was explaining (in mime) to Stoolts that Reggie, Viktoria, and Sealman had been replaced by CGI robots. Stoolts figured that he might be able to defeat them, since his prosthetic legs make him sort of a cyborg. In fact, since his “robot” parts are wood, he’s the ORIGINAL cyborg. Michel compared Stoolts to the Trojan Horse, which gave him an idea on how to defeat Babs and her minions: Michel would hide inside Stoolts’ clown suit, then jump out and attack them.

Truck Tarkenton was in his workshop when Sealman came in, looking for CGI oil. Sealman confessed that he was not what he seemed…and he’d been programmed to do things he didn’t want to do.

Robbie was surprised to see Reggie still walking around, and apologized for mistreating him when he thought Reggie was dead. Reggie replied that there were no hard feelings, but fired Robbie anyway. Robbie protested that it was Babs’ influence that was making Reggie do this, but Reggie wouldn’t hear a bad word against her. When Robbie called Babs a “cooterscab,” the viciousness of the insult short-circuited Reggie. After collapsing, Reggie informed Robbie that there was one way to stop Babs: Robbie would have to get inside her mainframe.

Sasha and Michel ran into each other, and each explained their own plan to kill Babs.

Stoolts ran into Deb, who was practicing being an eagle. Stoolts explained that he was going to kill Babs with a plan right out of the Iliad. He then recounted a confused version of the myth of Icarus, only in his version, two women flew away by making wings out of their labia. Deb then explained her own plan, in which she would be riding on Sasha while holding a snake in her mouth. Stoolts marveled that her plan was more sexual than his own.

Babs Bunkler was lounging in her boudoir, rejoicing in her evil, when Sealman came in. He was ready to get nasty with her, but she worried that she wouldn’t be satisfied with desire that was only in his programming. She wanted him to want her of his own free will. Sealman used flowery praise to convince her that his passion was real, then embraced her—and immediately broke off. (“Well, I’m done.”)

Viktoria was gazing at the food in the snack car when Truck came in. Viktoria asked him how he felt about Babs’ plan to sell the circus. Taken aback (as this was the first he’d heard about it), Truck swore to stop her at all costs.

VIKTORIA: “So you would resort to violence?”
TRUCK: “Resort? It’s my first option!”

Since the threat against Babs had given Viktoria a reason to carry out her programming, Viktoria fired Truck, then carried him over to the pit. During the struggle, Truck’s hair fell off.

Deb found the maimed CGI-robot Reggie, who told her that he didn’t have much longer…he would soon be going to the Halls of Spielberg. He urged her to defeat Babs, and she assured him that there were all kinds of plans going on.

Robbie found the maimed Truck holding his hair in his hands. Robbie tried to reassure him that it could be reattached, but Truck knew it was too far gone. They paid tribute to Truck’s hair by singing Boyz II Men’s “It’s So Hard to Say Goodbye.”

Babs Bunkler called Viktoria into her office, because she’d noticed that one of her robots was no longer responding on the monitor. Viktoria checked the computer, suggesting that Babs take a look at the Task Manager. When the computer still couldn’t find Reggie, Babs ordered Viktoria to go out and physically locate him, then put him on Extra Powerful Overload. Viktoria warned that this may drain the entire system, but agreed to do it if Babs would return the favor by installing the plug-in that would let Viktoria enjoy food once again. Babs did so, then gave Viktoria a SweeTart to test her taste buds. Viktoria was delighted to be able to taste again. Babs laughed uproariously at her little prank, as the “SweeTart” had actually been a Tums.

Sasha found Sealman and discovered that his skin was peeling off. Sealman explained that he was shedding like a snake, then went off on a lengthy extended metaphor. Sasha remarked “There’s a reason I don’t come to your poetry nights.”

Michel climbed into Stoolts’ suit, and the two of them practiced walking as one person. Michel figured that it would take them 18 years to get to Babs’ office.

Reggie’s spirit arose from his CGI body. He saw a kindly bearded man beckoning him into the light…Steven Spielberg. Spielberg’s voice informed Reggie that he had earned his reward: He would spend eternity at the bottom of the sea with Haley Joel Osment (which is where the movie should have ended). Prompted by this observation, Reggie asked what the deal was with that tacked-on ending, and Spielberg explained that sometimes, when you get too powerful, nobody will tell you when you’ve had a bad idea. Spielberg then asked if his pants made him look fat, and Reggie admitted that they did. Impressed by Reggie’s honesty, Spielberg granted him eternity at Spielberg’s right hand.

Robbie broke into Babs’ office Mission: Impossible style. Hovering over her computer, his plan was stymied when he couldn’t figure out how to get out of Task Manager.

The Stoolts/Michel duo ran into Deb, who explained that she couldn’t see Stoolts or Truck was going to cut her open. Stoolts suggested that she hide from Truck by getting into his suit. Since she already had a baby inside her, she’d be like a Trojan Horse inside another Trojan Horse.

Truck crawled over to Sasha, carrying his hair. He asked her to give his hair a proper funeral, since she had the only working toilet in the circus. She said a prayer over the hair, then flushed it. Truck lamented that he’d never have hair again, since he never learned how to grow it. As a show of solidarity, Sasha took off her own wig and gave it to him. As Truck put it on, he realized that he’d now gained Sasha’s acrobatic abilities. To repay her for her sacrifice, Truck peeled off his mustache and placed it on Sasha (who now had his mechanical prowess as well). Newly empowered, they set out to kill Babs.

Viktoria was preparing to put the system on Extra Powerful Overload when Sealman came in and asked him to stop. Sealman explained that, despite his programming from Babs, he didn’t want to see the circus destroyed.

Babs found Robbie in her office. To explain his presence, Robbie said he’d come to make a peace offering. He told her that he found her attractive, and he believed there was still a good person inside her. She admitted that there once had been, but she squelched her good side because it was so boring. Robbie reassured her that being good doesn’t have to be boring, then started seducing her by doing a striptease. While Babs was distracted by his dance, the Stoolts/Michel Trojan Horse arrived, followed by Truck, followed by the Deb/Sasha eagle-lion. Everybody attacked in a gruesome spectacle that ended with Sasha eating Babs’ heart on white bread.


Thursday, July 23, 2009

Season 14, Episode 12: Everybody Dies

Episode 12: Everybody Dies

Reggie Bunkler’s wife, Babs Bunkler, came into Reggie’s office…where Reggie’s dead body had been lying ever since Sasha killed him two episodes ago. Babs reflected on their life together, and how Reggie had spent all her money on this circus to fulfill his family’s dreams. Now, she was going to live HER dream by selling the circus and turning it into expensive lofts.

Gunther Gayfer-Wilhelm and Viktoria Busliftor were relaxing in the spa and contemplating the future of the circus. Viktoria proposed that they could break off from the Bunkler Brothers and form their own circus, if they could get Sasha to join them as their star. Viktoria worried that Gunther could never tame Sasha’s ego, but Gunther replied “It’s the challenge that makes it so challenging.”

Truck Tarkenton and Sasha were shopping for flowers for Reggie’s funeral, as Sasha reflected on the feeling of power it gave her to take Reggie’s life. Truck led her into Reggie’s office so she could make her peace with him. (“Don’t do anything weird…but if you do, there’s a webcam right there.”) Left alone with Reggie’s body, she confessed her attraction to him.

Robbie ‘Bad Decisions’ Knisions and Sealman Rushdie were planning a tribute act for Reggie—Robbie would jump his bike over Reggie’s flaming body as he’s being cremated. Robbie reflected on how he’d never liked Reggie, but his death put those feelings in perspective. He then contemplated the finality of death, saying how ridiculous it would be if Reggie suddenly came back to life. Sealman said that if that happened, he would kill Reggie all over again.

Michel Jacquesonne was showing Babs around the circus and telling her how much he missed Reggie. (“That man treated me like an employee. My own parents didn’t treat me like an employee.”) Babs asked him exactly what happened to Reggie. After going on and on about his own problems, Michel finally told her that Sasha had twisted Reggie’s neck until it clicked.

Viktoria invited Sasha to join their new circus, but Sasha didn’t see any difference between working at either circus. Viktoria then said that she didn’t really have much of a choice…they’d already taken most of the Bunkler Brothers’ equipment, so there wouldn’t be a circus left to go on anyway. Sasha warned Viktoria that she had killed before and would kill again. Viktoria offered to let her kill Gunther if she’d join their circus.

Truck was driving Deb to the doctor to check on her baby. He suggested that they could prove whether the baby was his or Stoolts’ by seeing whether it had stools for feet. As Deb pointed out that stool-feet weren’t a hereditary trait, Truck proposed that they could check for themselves by cutting her open. Deb suggested an ultrasound instead, but Truck didn’t believe in them. (“That’s CGI, it’s not real.”) Stopping the truck in the woods, Truck led Deb to a cabin to reveal…the REAL Reggie Bunkler’s body! When Deb asked about the body in the office, Truck explained that the other body was CGI. She suggested that they could use the fake body for a ventriloquist act. Pleased by the idea, Truck told her he’d put off cutting her open until they saw how the new act goes over. Deb pleaded with him not to cut her open at all, and they came to an agreement: She promised not to let Stoolts near the baby, and Truck promised not to slice her open.

Robbie, Sealman, and Gunther dragged the fake Reggie’s body out of the office to practice Robbie’s jump. As they did so, Robbie pulled down Reggie’s pants to make him more aerodynamic for the stunt.

GUNTHER: “Everybody says I’m gay, and I’d like to point out that you two are the ones undressing a dead man.”

Babs went out to the cabin to visit her husband’s real body. She gloated that she’d substituted the CGI robot a long time ago, and nobody had noticed the difference. Everything was going according to her plan. Just then, Gunther and Viktoria came through the woods, scouting for locations for their new circus. As Babs hid, Gunther and Viktoria discovered Reggie’s body, and were thoroughly confused.

Back at the circus, Deb was practicing her ventriloquist act with the CGI-robot Reggie’s body. Much to her surprise, the “dummy” began speaking on its own: “My wife is trying to destroy the circus! I’m in the woods!”

Sealman and Michel were planning their act, as Michel ranted about how he was molested by clowns his entire life. Sealman protested that his life had been saved by clowns…an elite band of military clowns who had rescued him from Japanese fishermen. Sealman urged Michel to find it in his heart to mime forgiveness, but after Michel went into sickening detail about what had been done to him, Sealman agreed that he should mime revenge instead.

Sasha came into Reggie’s office to visit his body, when Babs entered and revealed that it wasn’t the real Reggie. Babs demonstrated by running a program to make the CGI-robot move its arms and pat its head. Babs and Sasha then revealed the reason for their rivalry: They’re sisters. All their life, Sasha had been the talented one, while Babs was only good at giving blowjobs…so Babs had gotten rid of her sister by sending her to Bolivia, where Sasha was raised by acrobats. But fate had drawn them together once again, as Sasha had come to America and joined the Bunkler Brothers Circus, not knowing its connection to her long-lost sister. After explaining their backstory, Babs began strangling Sasha with a scarf (knocking off Sasha’s wig in the process).

Truck and Robbie were watching porn on the internet when they stumbled across some of the circus’ security-camera footage. Playing the video, they saw Sealman performing for Reggie to distract him, as Viktoria (while she was still “Viktor”) snuck up from behind and snapped Reggie’s neck. Checking the date on the footage, they realized that the real Reggie had been dead for months, and they’d been working with a robot all along. They suspected that Michael Bay was somehow responsible.

The dewigged Sasha managed to crawl to Deb’s trailer, where she explained her family history to Deb. She revealed that Babs had gone mad with jealousy after discovering that Sasha was part of the circus that Babs had married into. Deb agreed to help Sasha get her revenge.

Searching for clues in the woods, Gunther came across the murdered bodies of the real Sealman and Viktor, along with Sasha’s wig. Gunther wondered what kind of power it would take to kill someone as strong as Viktor, but despite the danger, he swore to find out who was responsible.

In her office, Babs Bunkler had gathered her CGI-robot minions: Reggie, Viktoria, and Sealman. She sent Reggie to fire all the performers. She then instructed Viktoria to remember the love she had for Sasha (back when Viktoria was still Viktor), and to turn that love to hate. After a moment of robotic confusion (“How do I remember love when I am ones and zeros?”), Viktoria went to to kill Sasha. Left alone with Sealman, Babs began flirting with the CGI-robot talking sea lion. (“I love it when you say big words.”)


Thursday, July 16, 2009

Season 14, Episode 11: Are You Confronting Me?

Episode 11: Are You Confronting Me?

Stoolts attempted to make peace with the mime Michel Jacquesonne, despite the longstanding mime/clown rivalry. Michel wanted no part of Stoolts’ reconciliation, explaing that his mind is full of demons, fire, and hate. Nevertheless, Stoolts suggested that they go into business together, making sexy Popsicles with flirty messages on the sticks. The thought of capitalism relieved the demons in Michel’s head.

Seeking advice on her pregnancy, bearded lady Deb Henderson consulted the circus doctor, Dr. Root, and the circus vet, Dr. Sally Seditizer. Dr. Seditizer attempted to shoot Deb with a tranq gun (her recommended treatment for everything), but Deb dodged the darts. Dr. Root examined her and announced that she had tubercucirculosis, a rare ailment transmitted from circus animals to performers and then back again. He warned her that either she or her baby would die.

Truck Tarkenton gathered the performers together to prepare them for the upcoming Super Family Night performance. When Michel asked if that meant the audience would be made up of super-heroes, Deb mime-slapped him. When Truck asked Deb to bake cookies for the patrons, she informed everybody about her diagnosis. Stoolts pondered how she might have contracted the disease and whether she’d passed it on to him…then he marveled at the fact that he’d just had a complex, relevant thought. Dr. Root recommended that they cancel Super Family Night and have a quarantine, but Truck argued that the circus couldn’t afford to cancel a performance.

Daredevil Robbie ‘Bad Decisions’ Knisions met his old friend, Las Vegas entertainer Danny Gams. They reminisced about Danny’s last performance, when he dove into a glass of water for an audience of cancer-ridden kids. Although the spectacle cured the kids, it had so damaged Danny’s kneecaps that it would be fatal for him to ever dance again…but he was willing to take that risk.

Stoolts went to consult Dr. Root with his concerns about Deb’s pregnancy and his impending fatherhood. When Stoolts explained that he feared he was too dumb to be a good father, Root reassured him that he could be the worst father in the world because kids don’t know when they’re being mistreated. Stoolts suggested making “Kids Don’t Know Any Better” the theme for Super Family Night.

Truck Tarkenton and Dr. Seditizer reflected on their secret past together…after their break-up, she left the country to forget Truck, then wound up killing seven men in Tokyo. She resolved to put him behind her, even if she had to sleep with everybody else. Truck suggested they make an act out of that.

Deb was baking some Super Family Cookies when Michel Jacquesson came by . She asked why he was so hostile towards Stoolts, and he explained that he’d been molested by clowns since childhood, so he hated all clowns. Just then, Stoolts arrived and greeted Michel warmly. When Deb expressed confusion over why Stoolts thought Michel was his friend, Michel tried to shut her up by making a sexist remark about women always talking. She responded by mime-slapping him. Seeing how Michel reacted to the imaginary slap, Stoolts tried pulling a mime-noose and was greatly amused as Michel began choking. Changing the subject, Stoolts asked Deb why there was always a man in her trailer every time he stops by. Just then, Truck came in for his nooner.

Later, Truck was getting ready for the show when Dr. Root came in to inform him that he had enough antidote for all but one person. When Truck asked if that meant it boiled down to choosing between Deb and her baby, Root realized he hadn’t figured the baby into his calculations, which meant it was out of luck in any case. Just then, Robbie came in. Examining him, Dr. Root declared that Robbie’s temperature was so high that he could spontaneously combust at any moment. Truck considered working that into the act. Robbie then asked Truck to cut Danny from the show for the sake of Danny’s life, just as Danny came in and overheard. Furious, Danny insisted that he be allowed to perform even if it kills him.

Dr. Root and Dr. Seditizer were practicing their interpretive-dance act, while simultaneously Robbie and Danny were having a heart-to-heart talk. Robbie confessed that he had slept with Danny’s wife in an effort to make Danny too sad to perform. Danny replied that he wanted Robbie and his wife to be together…in fact, he’d left her to Robbie in his will. Danny had also put in his will that if he comes back as a zombie, he wants Robbie to kill him. Danny was at peace with the thought of dying…he just wanted to go out on the most spectacular performance ever.

Truck and Stoolts had the shortest confrontation in history. (“Are you confronting me, motherfucker?”)

After performing his mime routine and taking a bow, Michel Jacquesson informed the audience that they’d been infected with tubercucirculosis. Truck rushed in to confront Michel for giving away the secret. (“You better not be fucking confronting me.”)

Deb was distributing her cookies to the audience when Stoolts arrived, jealous that she was giving her attention to crowds now. Angrily, she informed him that he was terrible in bed, so she had to go elsewhere for satisfaction. Stoolts declared that he wanted her to see his real self, as he rubbed off his make-up and threw down his nose and helmet.

Preparing for his final number, Danny Gams picked up Stoolts’ red nose and reflected on how his late father always wanted him to be a clown. He broke into a song about his father and his own impending death.

Dr. Root brought everyone together to discuss the medical situation. (“Are you confronting us, motherfucker?”) Root revealed that Stoolts was going to die…and not only that, Stoolts’ sperm was toxic and everyone who’s come in contact with it was contaminated. Robbie suggested that, like snakebite, the venom could be sucked out. Deb did so. Furious, Truck shouted that Root had broken their deal; he was supposed to make sure that the disease only killed Deb’s baby. As Deb and Stoolts reeled from this shocking news, Truck strangled Dr. Root with his wrench. In his death throes, Root dropped his vial of antidote to the ground…but since it was an unbreakable plastic bottle, everyone could still be cured.

Danny Gams went out for his final dance, with Robbie backing him up. At the climax of his routine, Danny clutched at his chest for a moment…then went on dancing. Robbie warned Danny that he would die if he continued. Danny replied that he HAD just died…he was now a zombie. He begged Robbie to finish him off, just as he’d put in his will. As Danny tearfully complied, Dr. Seditizer ran in, pursued by the zombie Dr. Root. Just as Dr. Root caught her and ate her brains, Michel Jacquesson rushed in and destroyed Dr. Root with a mime shotgun.

Deb was packing up her baking supplies and reflecting on how her appetite for sex had messed up her life. She’d decided to go back home to Chatsworth, where she couldn’t hurt anything. Meanwhile, Stoolts was packing up his own stuff and pondering his own life. Since they were in adjoining tents, they heard each other’s monologues and decided to turn them into a dialogue. Stoolts told her that he understood her sexual desires, and if he couldn’t satisfy them, he’d be happy to let her turn to other people (as long as he could watch). They declared their love for each other. Truck, overhearing their reconciliation, began his own monologue about his plan to claim Deb’s baby for himself…even if he has to take it out of her.


Tuesday, July 7, 2009

Season 14, Episode 10: You Blight Up My Life

Episode 10: You Blight Up My Life

Reggie Bunkler was sitting in his office when a new act came knocking on his door…the French-Canadian mime artist Michel Jacquesonne. Reggie warned him that the circus’ budget was too tight to pay him much, but Michel replied that he worked not for money, but for the love of mime. Of course, that wouldn’t stop him from taking whatever money he could get…

Sealman Rushdie and Viktoria Busliftor were changing the baby-thing, which called Viktoria “Mama.” Viktoria marveled at how quickly it was maturing.

Bearded lady Deb Henderson, worried about the July 4th fireworks show and its effects on her unborn child, consulted Gunther Gayfer-Wilhelm as the circus’ resident expert on danger. Gunther assured her that there was nothing to worry about, because babies love loud noises. Feeling the baby kick, Gunther declared “He’s like a little Pele…or some more relevant soccer player.” Deb then revealed that Stoolts had seen her kissing Truck, and she was afraid Stoolts might do something drastic. Gunther advised her to face her fears for the sake of her baby. Finally remembering a more contemporary reference, Gunther encouraged the baby to “Bend it like Beckham.”

Far away, on top of the dump on Moreland Avenue, Sasha was looking over the city and contemplating her decision to leave the circus. Knowing no other trade but acrobatics, she had been reduced to contorting her body in the street for 50 cents a pop.

In his fireworks lab, Stoolts was plotting his revenge. He’d acquired a sample of American Red Elm Blight, which he would spray on everybody else. He gloated that the blight, while fatal to trees, would have a different effect on humans: when combined with fireworks, it would drive everyone insane. (“Now THAT’S an evil plan!”)

Reggie found Viktoria cradling the parasite-baby. Reggie warned that the baby was the result of the curse Viktoria’s mother had placed on Reggie, but Viktoria countered that babies shouldn’t be blamed for where they came from. The baby began revealing Reggie’s deepest secrets, and Reggie threatened to drown it in the bathtub. The baby sinisterly replied “Let him try.” Changing the subject to lighten the mood, Viktoria remarked how much she was looking forward to the fireworks display. (“There’s nothing more American than explosions.”) Reggie told Viktoria that they’d arranged the perfect soundtrack to accompany the fireworks—The Spin Doctors.

Deb informed Sealman that she was pregnant, and asked him to be her midwife. Sealman felt her belly and declared that the baby was going to be a little Vitas Gerulitas, or some other outdated tennis player. Then he broke into a song about the wonders and joys of childbirth.

As Sasha gazed at the circus from her vantage point on the dump, Gunther came climbing through the garbage to join her. He wanted to watch the fireworks with her, and to prove once and for all that he’s not gay. Sasha replied that she knew from their lovemaking that he wasn’t gay…although she suspected his penis might be.

Michel Jacquesonne was performing his mime act in the center ring, narrating his actions aloud for the audience. Stoolts came in, and the age-old rivalry between clowns and mimes reared its ugly head. Stoolts squirted Michel with his blight-spray, then continued threatening him. In response, Michel created an imaginary wall between himself and Stoolts.

Reggie took the baby-thing to the elephant-wash station in an attempt to destroy it. He asked the baby what it wanted, and the baby revealed that it planned to take over the circus. The Bunkler Brothers Family Circus would soon be the Baby Brothers Family Circus, as soon as Deb’s baby arrived. The baby revealed that he, not Stoolts, had impregnated Deb…he had climbed up Stoolts’ pants leg and gotten in between them. (“So, technically, it’ll be my son, but ‘Baby Brothers’ sounds better.”) Horrified, Reggie carried the baby into his office and stuffed it in the Swear Jar.

Stoolts found Viktoria looking through a Viewmaster, entranced by the pictures of the Florida mermaids. Viktoria remarked that she had noticed Stoolts squirting people with his spray-bottle. Thinking the clown was simply spraying water as a playful way to cool people off, Viktoria asked to be sprayed. Since Viktoria was one of the few people who had always been nice to Stoolts, Stoolts refused to spray her with the blight. Viktoria then grabbed the bottle and squirted herself.

Sasha and Gunther were celebrating their happiness in the dump when Stoolts came by. He told them about the American Red Elm Blight and what it did to trees, but before he could continue as to its effects on humans, Sasha and Gunther began crying over the dead trees and orphaned saplings. Confused, Stoolts started to explain that he’d had an epiphany. Sasha asked if this was going to turn into another of his long-winded Cosby Show stories.

Sealman was swimming in his tank when Stoolts came by. Complimenting him on his fitness, Stoolts compared him to Jack LaLanne and other out-of-date exercise gurus. Then he sprayed Sealman with the blight.

Returning to the circus, Sasha came to Reggie’s office. Feeling confident that the circus had suffered in her absence, she demanded a raise. Fed up with her diva attitude, Reggie finally told her off. In a fit of rage, she threw Reggie’s bottle of Tums across the room. A vicious battle ensued, with Sasha wrecking the office. (In the process, she knocked the Swear Jar off the desk, and the evil baby took the opportunity to escape.) After smashing Reggie across the back with a chair, Sasha went to Stoolts and told him that he’d turned her into a superhuman killing machine with his blight-spray. She demanded that he spray her with an antidote.

Returning from the dump, Gunther ran into Viktoria. The lingering smell of dirty diapers reminded Viktoria that she had misplaced the baby-thing. Gunther realized that they were all in grave danger.

Michel, Sealman, Gunther, and Viktoria gathered outside Reggie’s office to watch the fireworks. Seeing Reggie lying on the ground, Viktoria remarked “I hear with a spine injury, you should move them immediately.” As they did so, Sasha, Deb, and Stoolts arrived. Stoolts confessed to Deb that he’d done something terrible and now felt deep remorse. Meanwhile, Reggie warned everybody else that the baby-thing had impregnated not only Deb, but Sasha as well. Just then, the sound of the Spin Doctors filled the air, and the fireworks began. The pyrotechnics combined with Stoolts’ spray, and everybody began behaving in more-than-usually bizarre ways. Gunther, the only one who had not been sprayed, attempted to reason with Stoolts by discussing the Cosby Show and asking “What would Rudy do?” Moved by Gunther’s plea, Stoolts urged everybody to snap out of it, helping them to shake off the effects by complimenting each of them and boosting their self-confidence. Deb congratulated Stoolts for saving the day, although Sasha pointed out that he had started the trouble in the first place.


Thursday, July 2, 2009

Season 14, Episode 9: Three-Alarm Three-Ring

Episode 9: Three-Alarm Three-Ring

Stoolts had accidentally set fire to the circus by rubbing his wooden stool-legs together during a passionate encounter with bearded lady Deb Henderson. Circus owner Reggie Bunkler rushed into his office, where he found roadie Truck Tarkenton putting out the flames by beating them with his wrench. Truck declared that he would save the circus, but first he wanted to be repaid for having detached the symbiotic baby-thing from Reggie’s body.

Meanwhile, Sealman Rushdie was trying to herd all the circus’ animals to safety, as Sasha cried that she couldn’t leave—if the circus was destroyed, she’d have nothing else to live for. Sealman told her to snap out if it, then told her about the time he survived the Great Antarctic Fire of ’06.

While putting some mementos in a fireproof safe, Gunther and Viktoria discussed their relationship. Viktoria worried that, despite her vow not to fall in love her first time, she may be becoming too attached to Gunther. Gunther confessed that it had been his first time as well—he’d never had sex before, because every woman assumed he was gay. Gunther looked deeply into Viktoria’s eyes and saw her experience and wisdom.

Panicked, Deb climbed to the top of the Big Top and screamed for an incredibly long time. Stoolts rushed (as much as he can “rush”) to her rescue. As he approached, Deb informed him that she was already pregnant from their encounter. (“It happens really fast in my family.”) Thrilled by the news, Stoolts was infused with the strength of ten men and easily saved Deb.

Reggie and Sealman addressed the audience, assuring them that everything was under control while also getting them to sign releases. They decided to make the evacuation part of the show by shooting all the audience members out of a cannon.

Sasha told Gunther that the danger of imminent death had made her realize how much Gunther meant to her. Gunther regretfully informed her that he had found somebody else. Breaking down, Sasha told him to leave her to die. Gunther declared that he wouldn’t let her die—he would teach her to jump through fire, just as he trained his tigers.

Deb rushed to her trailer to salvage her beard-brush, only to find Viktoria snooping through her things. Viktoria explained that, since becoming a woman, he’d developed an uncontrollable curiosity. Reading Deb’s diary, Viktoria had learned about her incredible fertility and her family’s history of giving children up for adoption.

Stoolts was heroically holding up the ceiling as the patrons escaped. Seeing the fire rising up Stoolts’ body, Truck “rescued” him by beating out the flames with his wrench.

While training Sasha to jump through the flames, Gunther admitted that his feelings for Viktoria had only been a temporary infatuation. Gunther explained his love for Sasha through a zombie metaphor, and Sasha agreed that they should let their passion rise from the grave.

Reggie was searching through the inferno for the baby-creature. Sealman suggested that it would be best to let the monstrous thing die, even though that goes against Sealman’s Catholic upbringing. Shocked, Reggie informed him that this was a Protestant circus. As they debated religion, the baby-thing emerged from the flames and leaped upon Reggie. Sealman pried the baby off of Reggie and declared “Goodnight Moon” in a vaguely disturbing manner.

Gunther and Sasha were in the throes of sex when they realized that Viktoria was listening from outside. Sasha feared that Viktoria would kill them both in a jealous rage, but Viktoria assured her that there was nothing to worry about…her encounter with Gunther meant as little to her as it had to him.

Stoolts asked Sealman for some salve to treat his burns. Sealman informed him that it would cost extra, now that Sealman has an evil baby to support. Stoolts attempted to bond with Sealman over fatherhood, but his efforts were blocked when Sealman started wondering what the big deal is about being a father.

Deb was sifting through the smoldering wreckage when Truck came to confront her about her pregnancy. He expressed concern for her safety, worrying that Stoolts might harm her or the baby—thus planting the seeds of doubt and making an opening for himself.

Viktoria was crying to herself when Reggie walked by. Having only known her as “Viktor” before, Reggie was stunned and disturbed by Viktoria’s new persona. Still, he reluctantly consoled her. Viktoria confessed that, despite her reassurance to Gunther that it meant nothing, she really HAD fallen in love with him. Reggie warned her that workplace romances never turn out well.

Fearing that Viktoria might kill her, Sasha went to Sealman for help. Sealman simply said that she had to deal with the consequences of her love for Gunther, telling her “You can’t harvest a field and not expect corn to grow.” Then he broke into an agricultural-based song about love and its results, including pregnancy.

As Reggie continued to console Viktoria, Gunther entered and declared his love for Sasha. He announced that he would rather quit the circus than give up Sasha, and Reggie was all too glad to accept his resignation. Just then, Sasha arrived and announced that she was quitting too…and that she’s pregnant. Stunned, Gunther informed Sasha that he had made sure long ago that he could never have children.

Stoolts walked in just as Truck kissed Deb.

Explaining that she had to get away and get her thoughts together, Sasha said goodbye to Gunther. Setting out on the road, she had brief flashbacks to her fondest memories of each of her circus friends.

Stung by Deb’s apparent betrayal, Stoolts contemplated drastic action. He pulled off his red nose and prepared to toss it in the air, declaring “Heads, everybody lives…tails, they die.” With that, he flipped his nose.