Episode 19: Everybody Dies…Yet Again
Chambliss Tucker met her son Eileve at the Slop Bucket. Eileve observed that Chambliss was more preoccupied with ordering the soup than with the fact that he had saved her by reuniting her head with her body. Chambliss explained that she appreciated his effort, but that the spell had changed something else about her body…she now had a penis. Eileve was horrified to learn that his spell had gone wrong. He checked himself and discovered that he now had a vagina.
After a friendly game of basketsphere with Francis of the Rock People, King Plough complained that, having lost an eye and an arm, he now felt like less than a man. Francis told Plough that Eileve was learning the ways of white magic, and might be able to heal Plough. However, since Eileve was still learning, there might be great danger.
PLOUGH: “Danger is my middle name.”
FRANCIS: “I thought it was Yancy.”
PLOUGH: “You got me.”
Atop Skank Mountain, Baron Üterrüs was giving instructions to his new apprentice, Tarquin the Gangly. He told Tarquin to go back to his treehouse and fetch King Plough’s throne, then divest Plough of his kingly garments and dress him as a peasant, and finally chain him in the dungeon. As Tarquin left, the voice of his late father, Magic Jones, suddenly spoke through him. Jones asked Tarquin to set off the bag of explosives he had left in Üterrüs’ shop.
Chambliss returned to her Lincoln Navigator and found Francis waiting for her. She sat back and started talking sports. Francis could tell she was hiding something. She was reluctant to reveal her secret, but finally sang him a song about her new penis.
King Plough paid a visit to Tarquin’s treehouse. Since he had lost his sword, Plough wanted Tarquin to instruct him in the elfin art of archery. Tarquin told him that, in order to learn the bow and arrow, he would need to dress as a peasant and be shackled in a dungeon. Plough accepted Tarquin’s instructions.
Eileve went to Linens Und Thïngs to buy some gingham. As he entered, Baron Üterrüs was puzzled to sense the presence of the god Menstratus. Eileve explained that he had magically swapped genitals with Chambliss, and that he needed some advice. Now that Eileve was female, he was considering a relationship with the one person in town he wasn’t related to…Francis of the Rock People.
Francis was walking through the village when he met a strange peasant, who introduced himself as Nort. When Francis told him about the evil afoot in the kingdom, Nort replied that he had sensed it. Nort explained that he knew all and could foresee the future, although his “prophecy” for Francis was so vague, it could apply to anyone. Nort told Francis that Üterrüs’ power was weakening, and that he knew how to defeat him.
King Plough was waiting without pants in the Dungeon of Filth, wondering when Tarquin would come back to continue the archery lesson. Feeling vulnerable and alone, he concluded that this must be a lesson to teach him the meaning of being a king…he must rely on himself, not hide behind armor and weapons. Suddenly, Baron Üterrüs entered holding the Dual Sword of Destiny. The Baron informed Plough that he had reclaimed what was his…and now had only to take one last thing: Plough’s boxer shorts.
Nort told Eileve and Francis that the secret to defeating Baron Üterrüs was “Simply love.” Taking this as a cue, Eileve asked Francis to be the father of his child. When Francis didn’t understand, Eileve explained that he was now a woman. Francis paused to consider the matter, then immediately agreed.
Tarquin went to the castle and found Chambliss admiring the weapons rack, picking out the most manly bow. She asked where King Plough was, and Tarquin told her that he was in the dungeon. Tarquin suggested that she might want to take her bow and arrows and shoot Plough. He assured her that they were enchanted elfin arrows that wouldn’t actually hurt the king, but would be an amusing practical joke.
Nort released King Plough from the dungeon. Plough told Nort that he needed a weapon to fight Üterrüs, and Nort handed him a feather. (“They do say that the pen is mightier than the sword.”) Impressed by Nort’s wisdom, Plough offered to make the peasant a Duke, or an Earl, or maybe even the Duke of Earl.
Francis and Eileve were engaging in some pillow talk after their encounter. Francis was concerned that things would be weird between them now. They assured each other that this didn’t mean that they were gay, and that they would go back to their old friendship once Eileve got his penis back. Eileve told Francis that soon there would be a new rock person to carry on their line.
FRANCIS: “Not just a rock person, but a rock person/lich person/thief person/elf person/cheetah person/regular person person.”
Chambliss and Baron Üterrüs were walking through the park. The Baron informed her that he had deposed King Plough. If she still wanted to be queen, she would have to marry him. Chambliss refused, having finally had enough of his evil ways. He gave her a choice…be his queen or die. She told him to go ahead and kill her. When he hesitated, she told him to give her the sword. He gave it to her…blade-first.
King Plough and Nort burst into Tarquin’s treehouse. Plough attempted to stab Tarquin with the feather, with less than effective results. Tarquin drew his invisible sword Soulcrusher X and mocked the unarmed Plough. Suddenly, Plough reached behind his back and pulled out a gold dagger, which he had been keeping up his ass ever since he and the dagger’s owner had been prisoners together in Chietnam. Plough lifted his shirt and flashed Tarquin, then stabbed him while he was distracted.
The badly wounded Chambliss was lying in her Lincoln Navigator when Eileve rushed in. Shocked to find his mother in this state, he told her that she had to live to see the birth of her grandchild. He asked who had done this to her, but she “didn’t want to point fingers at anybody tall and evil.” She asked to be buried in the Navigator. Eileve agreed, and she fell silent. Eileve covered her face with Plough’s boxer shorts.
TO BE CONTINUED…