Episode 7: The Foot-Shooting Party
Snatch informed the Commodore that she was carrying his child. The Commodore was confused, since only a couple of weeks ago it was Simpson who thought she was pregnant with his baby, but she turned out to be mistaken. Snatch assured him that there was no mistake this time…she was going to have twins; one fathered by the Commodore, the other by Dan Mandarino.
In the back room of Pepino’s, Snatch’s renegade sister Patch had Simpson tied up. Patch had taken Simpson’s clothes and hair in order to impersonate her. By disguising herself as Simpson, Patch would worm her way into Snatch’s life and take her revenge.
Mayor Shula Goldamayer was going over some paperwork in her office when she was visited by Sir John Holmes, a detective from Scotland Yard who had transferred to Miami as part of an exchange program. Shula knew Holmes by reputation (“You have the biggest billy club in England!”), and eagerly welcomed him. She told him that she needed his help against Angelo Lansbury.
On the docks, Angelo Lansbury (during contractual negotiations, the part of Angelo Lansbury will be played by Tom Wopat) was selling cocaine when Detective Orville Furman rowed by. Furman angrily explained that he had spent two weeks in rehab, only to return and find himself demoted to Private First Ass. (“When I get my hands on Shula Goldamayer, I’m gonna twist her a new tit!”) Angelo offered to help Furman get revenge and take over the mayor’s office himself. Angelo immediately realized that having Furman as mayor would be a bad idea, then offered to just get Furman’s old job back.
Snatch was on patrol with Patch (disguised as Simpson). Snatch said that, now that she was pregnant, she wanted to be responsible and do some REAL police work. (“Let’s go on a crime spree, but, like, the opposite.”) Patch/Simpson told Snatch about a very dangerous criminal who had arrived in town…years ago, Snatch had a twin sister from whom she was separated at birth. That sister grew up in a life of crime, killing her first man at age three, and became a mistress of disguise. Amazed by this news, Snatch was eager to track down her evil sister. Patch told her she didn’t have to look very far…then took off her Simpson wig.
Sir John Holmes paid a visit to the Commodore to commission some special weapons against crime, such as those provided by Scotland Yard’s “Q.” (“I want an Aston-Martin, a pen that can kill a man from 300 yards, spectacles that can see through a woman’s clothing, and a shoe. Just a shoe, that’s all.”) In return, Holmes would provide the Commodore with the secrets of the UNIX computer system.
Private First Ass Furman came to his old office and found Shula waiting for him. He insisted that he was cured of his drug habit, and she tested him by pulling some cocaine out of his desk drawer and pouring it in his in-box. He accused her of planting the drugs in his desk, and in turn, she accused him of leaving the cocaine just so he could accuse HER of planting it. They both got so confused, neither one could remember whose cocaine it was. (“You see how ridiculous this is going to sound in court!”)
At Pepino’s, the bound and scalped Simpson sang a song about her plight.
The Commodore showed Sir John Holmes his new weapon…a “pen” the size and shape of a rocket launcher. As promised, Holmes gave the Commodore an advanced microchip. Holmes then demonstrated his deductive skills by explaining the ridiculously elaborate process by which he had figured out the Commodore’s real name, Gerald Jameson.
Furman and Angelo Lansbury had placed Shula Goldamayer in a jail cell. Shula protested this unauthorized incarceration (“What are you going to do, arrest me for cocaine?”), then uncrossed her legs Sharon Stone-style. Furman demanded the return of his old job and his cocaine habit. When Shula refused, Angelo shot her foot off. Shocked, Furman pulled out his own gun and leveled it at Angelo, starting a Mexican stand-off.
Sir John entered Pepino’s just as Simpson crawled up from the basement. After Holmes freed her, she asked him to come with her as back-up to rescue Snatch.
On the pier, Snatch and Patch were in their own Mexican stand-off, when they decided to put their guns away and just talk out their problems. Patch explained that she and Snatch were twins fathered by two different men, just like the babies Snatch was now carrying. Patch said that those babies were the only reason she didn’t kill Snatch right away. (“One of them is mine! I don’t mean I’m the father, I mean I’m taking one!”)
To track down Patch, Holmes and Simpson enlisted the assistance of sketch artist Lebbie Gibson. Holmes observed that Lebbie reminded him a lot of his own country’s Samantha Fox. While describing her kidnapper, Simpson remembered that one of Patch’s eyes wasn’t real. Hearing Simpson’s description, Holmes realized that Patch fit the description of his own arch-nemesis, Lady Chandelier Moriarty.
The stand-off between Angelo and Furman continued. Angelo sneezed, causing him to accidentally shoot Furman in the arm. Taking advantage of this twist of fate, Angelo picked up Furman’s fallen gun. Suddenly, the Commodore rushed in, looking for a shoe. Everybody tried to explain their side of the story, but the Commodore accepted Angelo’s version, since Angelo was the one pointing a gun at him.
Patch continued telling her life story to Snatch, including the time she became a master spy in England, when Sir John Holmes and Simpson rushed in to the rescue. In the struggle, Patch shot Snatch in the butt. Simpson retaliated by shooting Patch, while Holmes saved Snatch by performing mouth-to-ass resuscitation. Suddenly, the Commodore arrived. (“Sorry, I was totally at the wrong Mexican stand-off!”) Sir John declared that Snatch and both of her babies were all right. Because the Commodore had come to her rescue and Dan wasn’t even there, Snatch decided to keep the Commodore’s baby and give Dan’s to Patch. After hearing that Snatch had slept with the Commodore, the jealous Simpson shot off Snatch’s foot. Patch grabbed Sir John’s billy club and kneecapped Simpson. The only ones left standing, Sir John Holmes and Patch/Lady Chandelier Moriarty faced off for a final showdown. Although Patch had the drop on Holmes, Holmes seized the advantage by exposing himself. While she was awestruck, Holmes grabbed the Commodore’s “pen” and took Patch down.
TO BE CONTINUED…