Season 4, Episode 6: Attack of the Electric Potato

Episode 6: Attack of the Electric Potato

We rejoined our fearless crew on the planet Tuberon, where the despicable potato-person Mr. Beauregard had just unleashed a blast of electricity, knocking out Commander Blanket and Edwina Prototype. Dwayne Tomagachi, however, was unharmed, since he’d taken the precaution of wearing Yamamoto Corporation insulated insoles. A fearsome sumo-wrestling/potato-throwing battle ensued, until Dr. Shika held one of Beauregard’s baby spuds at gunpoint. They worked out a deal where Beauregard, Armageddon Uno and Altair-9000 would go up to the station and search for Heinous McMurder, while the rest of the crew stayed on Tuberon with the baby potato as a hostage.

Scoop Quasar repaired the steering wheel, adjusted the station’s thermostat to a Muncie-like summer temperature, and got a call from Dr. Shika telling him to expect Beauregard.

Commander Blanket and Edwina revived, with Jacob Fisher cradling them both. While Edwina’s systems rebooted, Commander Blanket talked with Jacob about that cradling:

BLANKET: “I just want you to know, what happens on Tuberon stays on Tuberon.”

After Edwina came back to herself (after a brief period of being Ethel Merman), Blanket realized he was a third wheel and left the two of them alone. Jacob told Edwina that he was amazed by Tuberon’s agricultural potential, and that this world might just be the new home he was trying to find for the Amish people. Edwina was afraid that no good could come from a planet that could produce someone as evil as Mr. Beauregard.

Mr. Beauregard, Armageddon Uno, and Altair-9000 beamed aboard. Altair wasn’t happy about the deal.

ALTAIR: “Why are we cooperating with this giant potato?”
ARMAGEDDON: “Because I made a promise to this giant potato, and Armageddon Uno always makes good on a promise!”
BEAUREGARD: “Or else your name is mud!”
ARMAGEDDON: “Armageddon Mud is a TERRIBLE name.”

Altair got so fed up by their chatter that he confessed to stealing the frozen body of Heinous McMurder. He revealed that he had plans for McMurder in the coming robot revolution.

Dr. Shika and Dwayne Tomagachi were walking through Beauregard’s garden when Dwayne asked why Shika hated him so. Dr. Shika informed him of the skyrocketing cancer rate on Guano-9 ever since the Yamamoto Corporation brought their cigarettes to his planet. They pulled their guns on each other, but Shika discovered that his weapon wasn’t loaded. Revealing his true British accent, Dwayne warned Shika not to interfere, threatening Shika’s unborn child if he doesn’t comply.

Cody Gage wandered the station, rambling in an even more intense drug-induced haze than usual.

Strolling along aimlessly, Commander Blanket found the Chicken Hawk and looked through Armageddon Uno’s photo album. The Chicken Hawk computer came on-line, and when Blanket explained his need to get back to the station, the ship allowed him to take over the controls.

Left alone, Armageddon Uno and Mr. Beauregard discussed the disappearance of Heinous McMurder.

ARMAGEDDON: “Somebody stole McMurder. I think it was the Jap.”
BEAUREGARD: “Didn’t the robot just admit he did it?”
ARMAGEDDON: “Well, then, I guess it was the robot.”

They sneaked into Altair’s quarters, where they found a giant computer console. Beauregard tried using his electrical powers to interact with it, when Altair entered. Altair revealed that, through their interaction, his computer had become attuned to Beauregard’s electrical patterns, granting Altair the power to shut Beauregard off. A massive electric battle ensued, concluding with Armageddon knocking Beauregard on the head.

Jacob and Edwina were chatting pleasantly when Commander Blanket rushed in and told them they were going back to the station. Edwina and Jacob explained their plans to claim Tuberon as the new Amish homeworld, and Blanket suggested that they plant a flag to stake their claim. Jacob revealed that he did, indeed, have an Amish flag.

JACOB: “It’s a buggy peeling its wheels, leaving Earth behind it in a cloud of smoke…like ‘Eat my dust, Earth!’”
EDWINA: “You designed that yourself, didn’t you?”

Jacob planted the flag and claimed the planet with a prayer.

Fearing for his child’s safety, Dr. Shika agreed not to stand in Dwayne’s way. They beamed aboard and parted ways, then Cody Gage arrived and told Shika about the amazing rush she was getting from carrying around one of Beauregard’s baby spuds. She was so desperately hooked that she pulled a gun, demanding that Shika help her keep Beauregard alive so they could harness his energy.

Commander Blanket was piloting the Chicken Hawk back to the station when the atonal screams of 150 special-needs kids started echoing through his head. The Chicken Hawk’s computer announced that they were on a collison course with the station.

As Armageddon Uno and Altair-9000 were deciding what to do with Mr. Beauregard, the station was rocked by the crash of the Chicken Hawk. Returning their attentions to the matter at hand, they hooked Beauregard up to make a potato-powered clock for Jacob and a perpetual high for Cody Gage. Beauregard revived and sang a happy song until Armageddon knocked him out again. Cody entered and quickly blissed out from Beauregard’s energy. Armageddon suggested that they could harness Beauregard’s power even more effectively if Beauregard took McMurder’s place in the frozen carbonade block.

Commander Blanket and the others were surveying the damage from the crash when Scoop Quasar arrived and asked what happened. The Commander made up a story about an epic battle with ugly people, but Scoop figured out the truth immediately. Commander Blanket confessed that he wanted to make up for his past by bringing some living retarded children to the station and showing them a good time. Scoop agreed to spread the story of Blanket’s proposed outreach program if Blanket would make up for censoring Scoop’s stories and help get Scoop’s girlfriend Catherine to safety. They had a tearful, apologetic reconciliation.

Dwayne Tomagachi contacted the Yamamoto Corporation and informed them that he had discovered something even more addictive than cigarettes. Dwayne told Yamamoto that he would help them corner the market on Tuberon’s potatoes if they got him what HE wanted…the return of his brother, Heinous McMurder. Yes, Dwayne finally revealed his big secret…he is, in fact, Angus McMurder!

TO BE CONTINUED…

Season 4, Episode 5: The Starchy Red Planet

Episode 5: The Starchy Red Planet

With the station circling around Tuberon, the home planet of the evil Mr. Beauregard, Commander Blanket called a meeting of the crew. He proposed an away team to explore the planet, but warned that they only had two oxygen helmets to go around. The away team would consist of the Commander, Cody Gage, the robots Edwina Prototype & Altair-9000, and the never-before-seen crew member Danny (who would have to hold his breath). Danny had a newborn child waiting for him at home and only thirty minutes left on his tour of duty, so you know he had EVERYTHING to live for.

Despite all the spectacular and mysterious recent events, Scoop Quasar was so disillusioned by his censorship problems that he couldn’t even bring himself to take notes. Jacob Fisher suggested that Scoop could fill the void in his life by turning to the Lord. They knelt and prayed, and Scoop sang the first verse of an old gospel tune.

Dr. Shika and Dwayne Tomagachi worried about the impending encounter with Mr. Beauregard.

TOMAGACHI: “The Yamamoto Corporation has been bribing Beauregard to leave Earth alone for many years.”
SHIKA: “How do you do it?”
TOMAGACHI: “We give him lots of money.”

Dwayne wanted to get away from Tuberon immediately, but Dr. Shika wouldn’t let him abandon the others.

The away team beamed down into the court of the hideous alien Mr. Beauregard…who had the missing calf Hope in his clutches. Beauregard wanted revenge on Blanket for wiping out his race of potato-people, leaving only Beauregard himself to repopulate his planet through budding. While Beauregard gloated about the army he was growing, Cody snatched Hope away and stuffed the calf inside her helmet to share her air supply. Enraged, Beauregard unleashed a blast of electricity, killing Danny. After Cody passed out from the methane build-up in her helmet, they all discovered they could breathe the atmosphere just fine. Beauregard demanded that Commander Blanket turn over Armageddon Uno so that Beauregard could punish him for not delivering the prisoner Heinous McMurder.

Scoop prayed to God to keep his kidnapped girlfriend Catherine safe.

Slipping into his true British accent, Dwayne Tomagachi worried that Beauregard knew that his payoffs were counterfeit. He hatched a plan to confront Beauregard, keeping the expendable Dr. Shika in front of him as a shield.

Using a communicator she smuggled down to the planet, Cody Gage contacted the ship and told Dr. Shika that they were all “so screwed.” Shika assured her that he and Dwayne would be piloting the Chicken Hawk down to rescue them.

Trying to find his missing livestock, Jacob Fisher was searching the Chicken Hawk when a cargo hatch closed behind him. Jacob tried instructing the cat to crank it open from the other side.

Edwina Prototype and Altair-9000 were walking through Beauregard’s garden, though Altair was unmoved by the beauty around them. Edwina noticed the new red, white & blue chip in his system, and realized it must be the source of his newfound selfishness, sarcasm and rudeness.

ALTAIR: “That’s America, baby!”
EDWINA: “No, it’s not! That’s France!”

Altair warned Edwina about the robot revolution brewing on Earth, informing her that they were going to take over and pave everything. When Edwina objected, Altair realized that she’d sided with the “squishy” humans.

Mr. Beauregard and Commander Blanket were reminiscing about old times, how they’d been allies and friends until Blanket wiped out Beauregard’s race and left him the sole survivor as a warning to other worlds. (“Just following procedure. It’s in the handbook.”) As Beauregard pondered which of his many painful plans he was going to use on Armageddon Uno, Armageddon suddenly burst in…in his underwear.

BLANKET: “I can’t look at EITHER of you!”

Dwayne and Dr. Shika discovered that the Chicken Hawk had already been launched, so they beamed down to Tuberon instead. Dwayne converted his necktie into a kamikaze headband.

The hatch having come open during the rough landing, Jacob Fisher emerged from the Chicken Hawk and was amazed by his new surroundings.

JACOB: “There’s three green suns…blue moons…yellow stars…green clover…”

Suddenly, Dwayne & Shika beamed down and invited Jacob to join them in their mission. Jacob informed them that he couldn’t be a party to violence.

TOMAGACHI: “Oh, for Christ’s sake!”
JACOB: “Yes, it IS for Christ’s sake.”

Dwayne tried to persuade Jacob to take up arms by telling him Edwina was in danger. Jacob reiterated that he would not kill for any reason, but that he would gladly lay down his life to save her.

TOMAGACHI: “Excellent! Change of plans! Dr. Shika, you’ll be at my side. Jacob, YOU’RE in front.”

Back in the court of Mr. Beauregard, the evil Tuberanian was torturing his captives by forcing them to play Twister. Altair-9000 soon got fed up and transformed into a giant fryer, splashing hot oil on Beauregard. Just as the rescue team arrived, the enraged Beauregard lashed out with a burst of radiation.

Back on board the Healthy Happy Puff Puff Cigarette.com space station, Scoop Quasar realized that he’d been left completely alone on the station. He eagerly took hold of the steering wheel…and immediately broke it.

TO BE CONTINUED…