Episode 22: To All Things an Ending
King Plough and Duke Nort were preparing for the upcoming battle with the forces of evil. Nort was afraid that he would freeze up when the battle began, but Plough offered him a tip to ease his combat anxiety: Imagine the enemy naked. He also urged Nort to bite his tongue and taste his own blood in order to draw on his hidden powers as a berserker. Plough explained that he had looked in the Annals of Nort (“It’s a book, don’t worry”) and learned that Nort had an ancestor who was a legendary berserker.
In modern-day Smyrna, Chambliss Tucker was buying a Propel bottled water and a Slushee at the 7-11, when a rip in the space-time continuum opened up and sucked her in.
Magic Jones was putting the finishing touches on his new headquarters, the Evil Fortress of Lost Souls. Baron Üterrüs entered, disappointed that Jones wasn’t satisfied with their old evil headquarters atop Skank Mountain. Üterrüs was also concerned about Jones’ plans to divide up the conquered world, as Jones had laid claim to some of the areas Üterrüs wanted. The Baron pondered the irony: He had always wanted Jones to join him in his evil, but now he could not trust him. Magic Jones persuaded Üterrüs to trust him by singing a ragtime tune.
Francis of the Rock People and Eileve were in the forest, discussing the impending conflict. Suddenly, Chambliss Tucker fell through a rip in the space-time continuum and landed at their feet. Francis and Eileve were amazed to see Chambliss back from the dead. She explained that when she died in this realm, she simply reappeared at her home in Smyrna.
FRANCIS: “This ‘Smyrna’…is it Heaven?”
CHAMBLISS: “It’s as close to heaven as you can get in the state of Georgia!”
King Plough and Baron Üterrüs met on neutral ground. Üterrüs explained that, although they were on opposite sides, he still had great respect for Plough. He offered Plough a chance to avoid the battle by fleeing to another kingdom and continuing his rule elsewhere. Plough angrily protested that he knew his limitations, and that he was incapable of ruling any land other than Ye Little Points of Five.
PLOUGH: “This fucking piss-ant kingdom, with its hippies and its graffiti, is MY fucking piss-ant kingdom!”
Francis paid a visit to Nort, seeking advice on parenting. Francis explained that his son, the reborn Magic Jones, was the embodiment of all evil, and Francis was concerned that he had failed as a parent. Nort replied that he had a lot of experience in this field: in his travels, he had fathered 62 children, and he loved every one of them (even if he couldn’t remember all their names). Nort explained what being a father was all about:
NORT: “It’s not about being there…it’s about being there AFTER the fact, so you can tell them what they did wrong.”
Eileve was gathering firewood when Magic Jones materialized beside him. Eileve asked his son why he had gone down the path of evil…but then he admitted that he respected Jones for choosing his own path and not simply following in his shadow.
EILEVE: “Whatever happens, know that I love you.”
JONES: “And whatever happens to you, know that I warned you.”
Baron Üterrüs was stocking the shelves at Linens Und Thïngs when Chambliss Tucker entered. The Baron was shocked to see her alive again, and told her how much he had missed her. (“The fact that I killed you does not diminish how sad I was!”) He explained that she was the one good thing in his life, the one thing that might make him turn away from evil. Chambliss replied that she couldn’t be with him because she needed a man who was already good. Üterrüs warned her that, by rejecting him, she had doomed the entire world.
King Plough, Francis, Eileve and Nort were girding their loins for battle. (“Most of the time, evil goes for the loins.”) Plough provided Eileve with a pie-plate to protect his loin area, but he didn’t have one for Nort. Eileve offered to shield Nort’s area with his hand. In preparation for the battle, King Plough removed his crown. (“I only take this crown off for two reasons…making love and kicking ass. And I’m ready to kick some ass.”)
Watching the heroes through their crystal ball, Magic Jones and Baron Üterrüs mocked their pie-plate loin-guards. Üterrüs declared that he would eat those pie-plates…in a cannibalistic sense, nothing gay. The Baron then showed Jones a surprise…he unlocked a chamber and revealed Chambliss Tucker chained to the wall. Üterrüs explained that he had harnessed Chambliss to his secret weapon, the Destroyanator. Suddenly, Chambliss announced that she needed to pee. Üterrüs obligingly released her and let her find her own way to the bathroom.
King Plough and Francis were standing guard outside the castle. Francis informed Plough that he was armed with the most powerful weapon ever devised by the Rock People. (“A weapon so powerful, it can kill…things that are slightly less powerful.”)
Eileve and Nort were attacked by a giant purple worm. Nort froze, but then remembered King Plough’s advice and bit his tongue. Driven into a berserker frenzy by the taste of blood, Nort rushed into the fray and lay a savage beatdown on the worm. Nort and the worm disappeared from view. When all was quiet, Eileve was dismayed by Nort’s failure to return.
Chambliss had locked herself in a tower to escape Üterrüs’ clutches. Üterrüs pounded on the door and demanded that she come out. Chambliss offered to marry him if he’d call off the war. Üterrüs accepted her offer.
Francis of the Rock People saw Magic Jones approaching, riding on the back of an orc. As the father and son faced off, Jones’ orc attacked, but Francis quickly stabbed it and returned to his discussion with Jones. Jones acknowledged that he had been a bad son. Suddenly, the orc attacked again, and Francis clobbered it yet again. Jones and Francis drew their weapons for a final duel; Jones removed the crystal ball from his staff, and Francis pulled out a rock (“the most powerful weapon my people have”).
King Plough was in the midst of battle when Eileve rushed up and informed him that Nort had been slain fighting the giant worm. Eileve cried over his failure to protect Nort, but Plough assured him that he was not to blame. Plough presented Eileve with a golden dagger (“a sword to match your stature”) to fight the enemy. Suddenly, an orc attacked, and Eileve killed it.
Chambliss Tucker and Baron Üterrüs were going over the terms of their prenatal (or prenuptial) agreement. Üterrüs offered to make his proposal official by giving her a ring…four rings, in fact. To be more specific, four shackles to chain her to the wall. Üterrüs explained that he had been attracted to her due to her resemblance to his lost love Ilsabetta, but he could no longer put up with Chambliss’ irritating manner. Chambliss taunted the Baron by mocking his obsession with Ilsabetta. These insults so enraged Üterrüs that he prepared to activate the Destroyanator.
As Francis hurled his rock, Magic Jones’ orc rose up once again and got right in its path. The rock went through the orc’s skull and struck Magic Jones in the head. However, the orc’s interference had slowed the rock down so that it only gave Jones a shiner. Suddenly, Eileve rushed in and stabbed Jones, but in the course of the struggle, the blade went through Jones and into Eileve’s own body. Francis knelt down beside Eileve and pleaded with him to live. Amazingly, Eileve stood up, explaining that he had cast a spell of protection on himself beforehand, so he was all right. Francis and Eileve declared their love for each other.
King Plough was rushing towards the Evil Fortress of Lost Souls when the bloodied, battered Duke Nort suddenly staggered onto the battlefield. Nort explained that the worm had swallowed him, but he managed to survive, and slew the worm after he came out the other end. Plough and Nort entered the Fortress. As they cautiously made their way through, Baron Üterrüs lurked in the background, finally revealing himself by firing a poison arrow at Nort’s ass. King Plough prepared to suck out the poison.
Eileve and Francis prepared a funeral pyre for Magic Jones, and lamented their failure to raise their son well. They resolved to raise their next child properly…and promised to try conceiving as often as possible.
Baron Üterrüs and Chambliss Tucker (still chained in the Destroyanator) were getting some marital counseling from the ghost of Magic Jones. Jones suggested that they should go on vacation together and get away from it all. The Baron offered Chambliss one last chance to save her own life by coming with him. When she rejected him once more, he pulled the lever to activate the Destroyanator. Suddenly, King Plough and Duke Nort burst in. Plough reversed the lever, but Üterrüs laughed that the machine could only be stopped by destroying its creator. Plough saw Chambliss chained to the device…and nothing makes him angry like seeing a damsel in distress. As Eileve and Francis rushed in, Plough and Üterrüs began a mighty swordfight, which ended with Plough knocking the Dual Sword of Destiny from Üterrüs’ grasp. Nort seized the sword and lunged at the Baron, but accidentally stabbed King Plough instead. As Üterrüs gloated over Plough’s mortal wound, Nort raised the sword once more and slashed Üterrüs’ throat. As he collapsed, Üterrüs thanked Nort for freeing him from his endless unliving existence, but warned him that “evil never dies.” Chambliss proved him wrong by stabbing him in the ass. With Baron Üterrüs finally vanquished, everybody turned their attention to the dying King Plough. As Eileve knelt beside Plough, the King told his grandson that he must now inherit Plough’s throne, crown, and most importantly, his mustache. After peeling off his mustache and passing it to Eileve, Plough declared “I can see the unicorns coming for me!” With that, the King died.
CHAMBLISS: “The room just got so cold!”
KING EILEVE: “I’ve got a good feeling things are going to get warmer.”