Sunday, January 18, 2009

Season 7, Episode 1: Welcome to Miami

It's a new season, and a new setting...this time, our adventures and mishaps take place in 1980s Miami...not the real Miami, but the TV Miami. And by "TV Miami," I'm talking Don Johnson, not David Caruso. Let's rock!

Episode 1: Welcome to Miami

Detective Orville Furman, newly transferred to Miami, called in undercover officers Simpson and Snatch. He informed them that a citizen had complained that, when the officers answered his 911 call, “his 10-year-old child saw nipple!” Furman explained that he accepted Simpson & Snatch having their own personal style of dress, but warned them not to expose themselves to children.

Film director Buster Banks and his leading starlet, Dixie Greenflag, were preparing to shoot their latest literary adaptation, “The Glass Menage a Trois”…their most ambitious collaboration since “Three Sisters on Sisters.” As they discussed the project, Buster grew pensive and explained that it’s always been his policy never to get personally involved with the talent…and that he wanted Dixie to quit the business so that they could pursue a relationship together. Dixie was stunned by his proposal, but reluctant to abandon her dream of starring in “The Merchant of Penis.”

Angelo Lansbury, CEO of Miami’s leading cocaine distribution company, met with football star Dan Mandarino and asked Dan to become the official spokesperson for Lansbury Cocaine. His payment would be $850 thousand, either in installments or as a lump sum. Dan replied, “I take things in lumps.”

Mayor Shula Goldamayer paid a visit to nightclub owner Poppi to discuss his liquor license. Shula demanded $3000 dollars to renew his license, so that she could pay for her next two face tucks, or else “I will close you down like a thing that gets closed down.” Poppi offered her $2000 and sexual favors instead, but Shula declined the offer.

Simpson and Snatch were out on patrol, arguing about Detective Furman’s reprimand, when they accidentally ran over a pedestrian. Continuing on their way, they decided to go to the pool. Realizing that they’d forgotten their Sun-In, they turned back and ran over the guy again.

Detective Furman went to see Angelo Lansbury, explaining that he was going around town and meeting all his constituents. Angelo offered him a welcoming gift of four bags of cocaine. Furman was shocked. He explained that he was just a simple cop from Milwaukee, and this was just too much for him to handle. He returned three bags and kept one. Furman agreed to overlook Angelo’s business dealings, as long as he didn’t cause any trouble or gun down pregnant women in public.

Dan Mandarino was having a drink at Poppi’s nightclub Coconutz, contemplating Angelo’s job offer. Poppi made some suggestive remarks to Dan, then went to talk to the DJ. Left alone, Dan began hearing the voices of all his football coaches offering him advice. When Poppi came back, Dan explained his dilemma. Poppi suddenly planted a big kiss on Dan.

Dixie Greenflag went to City Hall to see her estranged mother, Mayor Shula Goldamayer. Shula apologized for abandoning her family, but explained that Dixie’s father just wasn’t wealthy enough for her. Dixie explained that she was thinking of leaving the porn industry for love, but was conflicted. Shula gave Dixie one of her press-on nails, telling Dixie to look at the nail and think of her mother when the time came to make the decision.

Buster Banks visited Angelo Lansbury, who complimented Buster on the success of “To Fist a Mockingbird.” Buster explained his situation with Dixie, and Angelo warned Buster that Dixie was the star who brought in the profits. If Dixie quits, Angelo would stop distributing Buster’s films. Buster warned Angelo that there were a lot of porn fans with guns out there, and if necessary Buster could organize them into an army against Angelo’s thugs.

Dan Mandarino was waiting on the pier for his blind date…who turned out to be Officer Snatch. Dan told Snatch that she was prettier than any cheerleader he’d ever seen: “Your face is beautiful, and your hair’s like gold…but darker.”

Poppi paid a visit to Detective Furman’s office, explaining that Mayor Goldamayer was on the take and was shaking Poppi down. Furman urged Poppi to stay legal, then complimented Poppi on his wig. (“You flaming gay guys really know how to have fun!”) Poppi let Detective Furman try on the wig, and Furman was thrilled by the experience.

Shula Goldamayer was driving to a ribbon-cutting ceremony, with Officer Simpson as her bodyguard. Shula asked Simpson if she looked fat, explaining that a couple of people had made remarks about Shula’s weight. Simpson pulled out her gun and offered to shoot those people, and Shula gave her the names: Angelo Lansbury & Poppi. Before Simpson set out on this mission, she loaned her gun to Shula for her own protection. Shula mentioned how glad she was that she’d passed a law where each police officer’s name was inscribed on all their own bullets.

Angelo Lansbury and Dixie Greenflag met at Coconutz. He warned her that she couldn’t quit the business, since she still had a year and a half left on her three-year contract (which she didn’t remember signing, since she was high on cocaine). Dixie declared that Angelo couldn’t intimidate her, so he showed her his gun. (“That IS slightly intimidating.”) Angelo told her that Buster would find somebody else…the only love that stays is Angelo’s love of money. He pulled his gun on her.

Buster visited Mayor Goldamayer’s office, explaining that he’d been putting money aside for his masterpiece, but had instead used that money to buy a ring for Dixie. Shula advised him to get a refund, since she would provide her own ring. She handed Buster the “ring,” which bore a strange resemblance to Simpson’s gun. When Buster pointed out this resemblance, Shula was offended that he had insulted her “traditional Jewish wedding ring.”

Dan Mandarino brought Snatch back to his apartment, where he confessed that, before their date, he’d met another someone special. Suddenly, Poppi walked into the room. Dan asked Snatch to help keep his secret. She started to ask what was in it for her, but was too drunk to complete the thought.

Angelo Lansbury was holding Dixie at gunpoint when Buster entered. Dixie rushed to Buster’s side, taunting Angelo: “You’re not gonna take a potshot at your cash cow! Moo!” Seemingly accepting their decision, Angelo called in Shula Goldamayer, and asked her to perform the traditional Jewish wedding ceremony. As Shula recited the vows and Angelo leveled his gun, Dixie sensed that something was about to go wrong. She told Buster to remember that she loves him, no matter what happened next. When Buster slipped the gun/ring on Dixie’s finger, she suddenly turned and shot Angelo, then fled.


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