Episode 11: The Return of the King
Possessed by the addled mind of King Plough, the body of Baron Üterrüs got hit on the head with a coconut. Plough’s mind was now returned to its full capabilities (such as they are), but was still trapped in the Baron’s body, and had no idea what was going on. Magic Jones explained about the body-switch, but Plough didn’t understand even after two days of explanation. Jones put Plough/Üterrüs under a spell of suspended animation to keep him out of trouble.
The demon Prick and Üterrüs/Plough were joking in the pub. Üterrüs dropped the pretense and revealed his true identity. He explained that he was upset because he was now enjoying more fame and power as King Plough than he ever had as himself, and he wanted to be recognized for who he really was. Prick suggested that Üterrüs could win greater support by doing GOOD things for the people. They came up with a plan to break into his subjects’ homes and leave gifts for them. To facilitate this plan, Prick would transform himself into a raindeer (a water elemental), and Baron Üterrüs would now be known as Ütüs Claus!
Francis of the Rock People informed Tarquin the Gangly that the revolution was cancelled because they just weren’t powerful enough to take on authority, even with Tarquin wielding the Bloodsword of Tallywhacker. When Tarquin pleaded with Francis not to give up the revolution, Francis confided that its “cancellation” was only a ruse…it’s only going underground.
Magic Jones called upon Queen Chambliss to bathe her. As he scrubbed her back (through her “bathing cape”), he asked whether she wasn’t carrying this demanding “queenly” behavior too far. When she ordered him to fetch the royal bedpan, he slapped her to bring her back to her senses. He suggested that she relax and take a vacation to a fairground.
Üterrüs/Plough was wandering through the woods when he came across the frozen Plough/ Üterrüs. When they came in contact, they were magically restored to their true bodies. Now back to normal, King Plough figured that the whole experience had been a prank by Magic Jones, like the time he planted an arrow in the privy and waited for Plough to sit down. Baron Üterrüs sympathized, since he too knew the pain of a weapon up the nether regions. Realizing that they had something in common, Plough suggested that they should hang out and get to know each other.
Tarquin and Chambliss were drinking in the pub, discussing her pregnancy. When Tarquin explained that he wanted to confirm whether the baby was actually his, Chambliss was offended.
CHAMBLISS: “You think I can’t get any man in this town I want?”
TARQUIN: “Oh, I know you can…and you have.”
When he explained about the curse of the Bloodsword, she urged him to go far away for the safety of her children, but he couldn’t bear to be apart from her.
Magic Jones and Prick met on the astral plane to discuss their plans for the holidays. Prick suggested that the kingdom institute a “Secret Santa” program.
Francis went to Linens Und Thïngs, asking Baron Üterrüs for his old job back. When the Baron asked about the revolution, Francis feigned ignorance. Üterrüs offered his services to the revolution, but Francis informed him that the revolution was against both Üterrüs and Plough. As Francis made a speech about the revolution, Baron Üterrüs pointed out that Francis had now joined the side of evil…he may have started the revolution with good intentions, but he was now after power for himself.
King Plough and Baron Üterrüs went to the pub for some drinking and male bonding. Üterrüs revealed that he was many centuries old, and told Plough the story of his lost love Ilsabetta. After their night of love, the Baron discovered that Ilsabetta was promised to another, and that her husband went on to raise the Baron’s child himself. Yes, Baron Üterrüs was King Plough’s great-great-etc.-grandfather!
Chambliss Tucker, carrying a small dead pig, found Prick (now with raindeer antlers on his head) floating in the woods. Prick explained that he had left the pig in her stocking as a gift for her. She told him that what she really wanted was for her unborn children to be safe. Prick agreed to become her protector.
Magic Jones went to Francis’ cave and told him about the Secret Santa program to spread holiday cheer. Francis wanted no part of commercialism or the holiday season, so Jones showed Francis what the world would be like if he’d never existed. There was no difference whatsoever.
Freaked out by the curse, Tarquin the Gangly sang a song of lust to a tree.
Chambliss went to Linens Und Thïngs to ask Baron Üterrüs for a favor. The Baron harangued her about the way she had abandoned the pub, and was just letting people come in and pour their own drinks without paying. Nevertheless, Chambliss still pleaded with him to send her back to her own time. The Baron sensed the foetuses inside her, then broke down and asked why she had been with every man except him. She explained that it wouldn’t be right because he was her boss, plus he was really scary. He asked her to make him over into the man she could want, and she accepted.
Prick confronted Tarquin about the elf’s plan to cut out Chambliss’ babies. Tarquin protested that it was the Bloodsword’s curse, not himself, that sought to harm her. Suddenly, the Bloodsword spoke to Tarquin in a redneck accent. The sword asked why Tarquin was displeased with the power it had given him.
TARQUIN: “Did you ever stop to think I don’t WANT to kill my own babies?”
BLOODSWORD: “Hell, no, I’m just a bloody sword! How would I know that?”
The sword taunted Tarquin, boasting that the illiterate elf would never figure out how to lift the curse. However, Prick had heard the sword as well, and informed Tarquin that the sword could be destroyed by being hurled into the depths of Mount Poop.
Magic Jones cast a rhyming spell to call forth an ice storm. King Plough entered and challenged the wizard to a rapping contest. King Plough won by rhyming “orange” with “door hinge.”
TO BE CONTINUED…