Episode 3: Geek in the Machine
Detective Furman visited Officer Snatch in the hospital, where she was recovering from a stab wound in the neck, receiving the best treatment she could get without medical insurance. Furman asked for Snatch’s help in taking down Dan Mandarino. She replied that she had a conflict of interest, since she’d gone on a date with Dan, and he brought a Care Bear to her hospital room. Furman warned her that her badge was riding on this.
Having been sucked into Angelo Lansbury’s computer, the Commodore was at Angelo’s mercy.
ANGELO: “What if I hit the Tab key?”
COMMODORE: “No! You’ll send me over five spaces!”
Buster Banks was on the set of his next picture when Dan Mandarino burst in, demanding the film Buster had taken of Dan and Poppi. Dan bragged that he would stop at nothing to get the film back, since he had complete immunity from prosecution (“I’m a god!”). Buster agreed to keep Dan’s sex tape out of circulation, if Dan would star in Buster’s dream project. (“You’re stiff enough to play the dead body in my picture.”)
Officer Simpson was taking in Mayor Shula Goldamayer for questioning in Snatch’s stabbing. Shula confessed that, during the 15 minutes that she lost her glasses during the struggle with Dan, she had an epiphany. Her brief period of impaired vision had made her realize what it was to be weak and oppressed…and now she wanted to devote her mayoral power to freedom and justice. She asked Simpson to call off the hit on Angelo Lansbury and Poppi. Since Simpson had lost her gun anyway, she agreed.
Angelo Lansbury was having a drink and a conversation with Poppi at Coconutz. After Poppi made a number of innuendo-filled come-ons, Angelo explained that he was straight, and only liked ladies. Poppi replied, “I could be a lady one day…if I get my pee-pee chopped off.”
Detective Furman was snorting coke in his office when the Commodore appeared on his computer screen. (“I didn’t know you could hallucinate through cocaine use!”) The Commodore assured him that he was real, and that he was stuck inside the world’s network of computers. (“It’s nothing like ‘Tron’ at all! There’s no motorcycle races, just green letters!”) Furman asked the Commodore if he could get into the mayor’s computer and arrange health insurance for the police department. In return, Furman would try to get the Commodore back into the real world, even though “getting a living being out of a computer is a metaphysical crisis I can’t even begin to imagine!”
Having been released from the hospital, Officer Snatch went to see Dan Mandarino. She explained that Furman had asked her to do something to Dan, though she wasn’t clear on exactly what. Dan asked what she was going to do.
SNATCH: “I’m gonna do what you’re gonna do.”
DAN: “You’re gonna play the Bengals on Sunday?”
Buster informed Poppi that he was planning on getting out of porn and into real movies. (“I don’t want to keep making ‘Jesus Christ, Pooperstar’ over and over.”) Poppi warned him that hardly anybody had ever made the transition from porn to mainstream, with the exception of Steven Spielberg.
Shula was taking a catnap in her office when the Commodore entered her computer and fixed the police department’s health insurance. When she woke up, the Commodore hid behind a menorah.
Simpson and Snatch filmed a public service announcement. (“Kids, be smart. Don’t do drugs. Stick to the alcohol and cigarettes.”)
Angelo Lansbury paid a visit to Buster’s studio. When Angelo promised to get even with Dixie Greenflag for shooting him, Buster threatened to rip out Angelo’s throat, play a tune on it and then throw it away like a used clarinet reed. In return, Angelo threatened to pull the financing from Buster’s porn operation. Buster wasn’t worried, since he was going to make a non-porn film, which he felt would be his biggest hit since “The Red Vadge of Courage.”
At Coconutz, Simpson and Snatch told Poppi that they were upset with him for taking all of the available men in Miami, e.g. Dan Mandarino. Poppi revealed that he now felt nothing for Dan, then he sang a song about his new love, Angelo Lansbury.
Dan Mandarino was sitting at the pier, reflecting on his situation, when the Commodore appeared on a nearby computer monitor. Dan soon recognized the Commodore as the nerd he used to bully in high school. Now that he was inside the world’s network of computers, the Commodore took revenge by selling Dan’s parents’ chicken farm to the Amish.
Detective Furman was drinking at Coconutz when Poppi entered and asked him why he was wearing such a ridiculous wig. Poppi informed Furman that what he was wearing was NOT the enchanted hairpiece that had belonged to Poppi’s grandmother…this wig belonged to a drag queen named Buffalo Manchilde. Furman was shocked by this revelation, since this wig had given him the confidence and inspiration to get up and sing.
The reformed Shula Goldamayer stormed into Angelo Lansbury’s office, demanding that he give up his illegal activities. Angelo offered her some coke to calm her down. (“Cocaine is a stimulant; it won’t calm me down! Quaaludes will calm me down!”) Angelo refused to abandon his dangerous but profitable business, even after Shula led him in a prayer.
Dan Mandarino informed Buster Banks that he’d have to put off starring in Buster’s movie, since he needed to go to Pittsburgh and save his family’s farm. Buster asked Dan to do one favor before he left. Buster knew that Dan’s throwing arm was so strong and accurate that he could kill a man with a football from 200 yards…which is precisely what Buster wanted Dan to do to Angelo.
Simpson and Snatch told the Commodore that they were too grateful to arrest him because he’d gotten them health insurance. When the Commodore made a condescending remark, Snatch retorted that, just because they’re sluts, that doesn’t mean they’re stupid. To prove their intelligence, Simpson and Snatch released the Commodore from the computer using a bobby pin, a 9-volt battery and a shot of Captain Morgan’s rum. Then they took the Commodore away for the best sex he’d ever have in his lifetime.
TO BE CONTINUED…