Episode 20: The Age of Aquilius
At the Slop Bucket, Eileve had an important revelation for King Plough. Eileve explained that, after he and Chambliss Tucker magically swapped genitals, Eileve became pregnant. What’s more, when Chambliss died, their parts switched back…so now, Eileve would have to deliver his baby through his penis. However, Eileve saw a solution. Using his magical powers, he could take the new life inside him and transfer it to someone unliving…in other words, they could change Baron Üterrüs from an undead lich into a living man, and then kill him. King Plough didn’t like the idea of sacrificing Eileve’s unborn child, even to defeat Üterrüs.
Francis of the Rock People was out in the forest when Friar Kack arrived with terrible news: the people of Kack Island had been wiped out by Baron Üterrüs. Kack pleaded with Francis to protect him…and also to set him up with a woman so that the Kack race could continue.
At Linens Und Thïngs, Baron Üterrüs was slashing prices for his End of Civilization Sale. He gloated about slaughtering the Kacks and stealing the mystical eye of the Dragon God, Püff DeMagik. The peasant Nort entered, and Üterrüs recognized him. Many years past, the Baron explained, he was passing through a village when he encountered a child with great powers of insight. Üterrüs then killed the child’s parents so that the tragedy would make his power even stronger. Using his powers, the vengeful Nort learned the only thing that could destroy the Baron was the legendary Book of Black Souls…the Negronomicon. Üterrüs laughed that no mortal could retrieve the book.
Searching through a cornfield, Eileve encountered the talking Magic Mirror. Eileve explained his dilemma, having to choose between his child’s life and saving the entire kingdom. The Mirror informed him that “The answer is within yourself.”
Francis encountered Tarquin the Gangly, who had degenerated into a rotting zombie after being stabbed by King Plough. Tarquin was puzzled by Francis’ horrified reaction, so Francis showed him a shiny shield so he could see his reflection. Aghast, Tarquin sought advice by contacting the spirit of his father, Magic Jones, but only got a spiritual answering machine.
King Plough was taking inventory of the castle’s weapons rack when he was visited by Aquilius, the barely-clad King of the Sea. Aquilius explained that his daughter Guinevere had come to the surface to retrieve the Dual Sword of Destiny, but when she failed to return, he left the sea to search for her. He found his daughter dead, and no sign of the sword. Plough and Aquilius agreed to join forces and find the sword. Aquilius vowed to destroy the sword with the very hammer he used to forge it. Hearing of Aquilius’ prowess as a smith, Plough asked him to forge a mechanical arm to replace his missing limb.
Walking down the street, Baron Üterrüs met the last remaining Friar Kack and casually killed him.
Nort and Tarquin ran into each other in the cornfield while searching for the Magic Mirror. Nort explained that he needed to go to the 10th level of Hades in order to find the Negronomicon. The Mirror told him that Hades was right in front of his face. Nort and Tarquin looked down and saw the Golden Road to Hell. They joined hands and sang a merry song as they followed the Golden Road. When they arrived at the 10th level, they were greeted by the spirit of Friar Kack, who had been placed in charge of the Negronomicon. Kack offered them a choice of three books: A large bound volume, a clipped-together stack of papers, or a 3x5 index card. If they chose the wrong book, their souls were lost forever. Tarquin contacted the spirit of Magic Jones, who told him “Bigger is better.” They chose the big book, which was indeed the Negronomicon. Friar Kack stamped the enchanted book and told them to bring it back by the 12th.
Eileve was mopping up in the Slop Bucket when Francis came in. Francis told Eileve how much he was looking forward to the birth of their child, but Eileve explained that he was going to sacrifice it to save the kingdom. Francis was stunned. Eileve assured him that the baby would want what was best for everybody…which meant kicking Baron Üterrüs’ ass.
King Plough brought the Magic Mirror to the castle and hung it on the wall. Plough asked if he had what it took to reclaim his throne…and if there were a spell to make his penis bigger.
Aquilius was hammering away at his anvil when Baron Üterrüs entered. Aquilius pointed out that his great-grandfather Kriembak had defeated Üterrüs once before, but the Baron retorted that he returned, slew Kriembak, then made a pun of his name by creaming on his back. The Baron boasted that “in the real world, the bad guys usually win.”
Eileve paid a visit to Tarquin’s treehouse and explained his situation. Learning that Eileve had inherited some of Magic Jones’ essence and powers, Tarquin asked if Eileve could de-zombify him. Eileve noticed that Tarquin had been gnawing on a human arm…which he recognized as King Plough’s missing limb.
Nort went to Linens Und Thïngs carrying the Negronomicon. Baron Üterrüs pointed out that, since the book was the one thing that could destroy him, bringing it to his headquarters was a very foolish decision indeed.
NORT: “I’m not an educated man…and I’m drunk.”
Nort lamented that he had screwed up once again. The Baron offered him a chance to prove himself on the side of evil. Üterrüs was so confident that Nort would join him that he left the book in Nort’s possession while he considered the offer.
Francis stopped by the workshop and admired Aquilius’ handiwork. Aquilius demonstrated the artificial arm he had created by attaching it to Francis. Francis was thrilled by the experience of having an opposable thumb instead of just a stone fist. Francis asked to keep the arm, but Aquilius replied that it was intended for King Plough. Suddenly, Francis noticed that Aquilius had made a right arm, whereas Plough was missing his left.
King Plough was drinking and reminiscing with the Magic Mirror when Eileve rushed in carrying Plough’s severed arm. Before Eileve could explain, his water broke. Plough rushed to his grandson’s side, but he couldn’t do anything with just one arm. Despite the agonizing labor pains, Eileve managed to cast the spell to restore Plough’s arm. Whole once again, King Plough prepared to deliver the baby.
TO BE CONTINUED…