And now, the final episode of the Prison season!
Episode 9: Love in Bloom and Lovin’ Dublooms
Picking up right after last episode’s cliffhanger, when Ronni Peterson asked Dexter Dewey if he’d enjoyed having sex with Rusty Trombonz, Dexter apologized for the dramatic pause and assured her that he didn’t enjoy it one bit. With that out of the way, they tried to figure out how they could circumvent Bruce Brüce’s ban on straight marriage.
Wayne Bo Casey, having sneaked through the electric gate by wearing a suit made of hot dogs, had finally gotten hold of Rusty’s treasure case. When Rusty ran into him, Wayne launched into a lengthy list of things that COULD be in the case (such as Lysol or 17 eyeballs), but finally admitted that it was indeed the dublooms. However, now that Wayne had heard the call of the dublooms, he couldn’t give them up. He said that Rusty would have to kill him to get the dublooms. Rusty had no problem with that.
Self-appointed warden Bruce Brüce called Corrections Officer Hoss Hardacre into his office. The door played “I’m Comin’ Out” as Hoss opened it, and Bruce explained that he’d modified all the fixtures to play gay anthems. Hoss warned Bruce that people weren’t happy with his ban on straight marriage, but Bruce protested that the ban was necessary to preserve the sanctity of the institution.
BRUCE: “Do you know how many straight marriages end in divorce?”
HOSS: “There must be hundreds. It’s an epidermis!”
Bruce and Hoss then broke into a duet concerning their friendship for each other, with Hoss explaining how hard it was for him, as a straight man, to love a gay man.
In the laundry room, deposed warden Otis Barker was sneaking in supplies for the wedding, when Dexter came in to discuss what to do about Bruce. Dexter resolved by the Librarian’s Code (“set down by Conan the Librarian”) to destroy Bruce. He explained that, as the librarian, he controlled the records of all the books and websites used by each inmate. He had altered Bruce’s on-line records so that it looked like he’d been visiting sleazydream.com, the web’s top free straight porn site. Once the gay community found out, Bruce would be excommunicated and killed. After listening to the elaborate plot, Barker suggested that they come up with a Plan B.
Being an internet-ordained minister, Wayne was getting ready to perform the wedding ceremony. Ronni told Wayne how much she’d admired him since she was 4 years old, and that all she’d ever wanted was to be just like him. (She’d even outdone him by racking up a bigger bodycount.) Moved by her declaration, Wayne told her the unfortunate news that, after he performed the ceremony, he’d also be the one carrying out the execution. (“It’s my month.”) Ronni replied that she’d be honored to be killed by her idol.
RONNI: “You’re almost like a father figure to me.”
WAYNE: “I AM your father.”
In the exercise yard, Hoss and Rusty were both depressed: Hoss by his sexual confusion and Rusty by the loss of his dublooms. Hoss explained his situation, and Rusty began to offer some advice…but before he could, he clutched his chest and collapsed.
Ex-Warden Barker figured out his “Plan B” to destroy Bruce. He explained to Dexter that they would decorate the electric chair in a festive manner, tell Bruce that it was the Seat of Honor, and get him to sit in it. The only problem was, where were they going to find another gay man to be the decorator?
Meanwhile, Bruce had just finished adjusting the chair to play gay music when Wayne Bo Casey came by to ask a favor. Wayne explained that Ronni is his daughter, and that he’d pulled strings to have her brought to Little Five Points Penitentiary so he could be with her. He asked to be executed in Ronni’s place, offering Bruce the dublooms as a bribe.
In the visiting room, Barker met Hoss, who had accepted his sexuality and taken to wearing a leather biker cap and MC Hammer sunglasses. Hoss explained that his love for Bruce Brüce had finally brought him happiness. Barker suggested that Hoss demonstrate his love by decorating the electric chair as a present for Bruce.
Still lying prostrate in the exercise yard, Rusty Trombonz drifted in and out of consciousness before finally rising to his feet, calling out for his lost dublooms.
Dexter and Ronni were going over their pre-nup agreement. Dexter explained that, in the unlikely event that he dies before her execution, she would get his manuscript…a book he’d written all about her, the most beautiful girl in prison. They began slow-dancing as he revealed that he’d written a happy ending for them, going off to live in a beautiful barn together. She told him that she would build that barn for him in heaven.
Wayne was sitting in his cell when he heard Rusty’s distant cry of “Dublooms!” Rusty finally made his way to Wayne’s cell, only to be sucker-punched by Wayne. Wayne informed him that the dublooms had been spent and there was nothing he could do about it.
Hoss was decorating the electric chair in red silk and gold streamers, while dancing to “Material Girl.” Wayne, Barker, and Rusty suddenly materialized as his backup dancers.
Bruce Brüce was in his office, gazing at the dublooms, when Rusty entered. Demanding his treasure back, Rusty knocked everything off of Bruce’s desk. Bruce replied that he didn’t want the gold, since it was blood money. He’d realized that love was what was important…his love for Hoss, and Dexter and Ronni’s love for each other. Rusty sat down to consider this. As he settled into the chair, loud gay music suddenly blared. Rusty immediately keeled over.
Bruce rushed into the execution chamber to inform Hoss of Rusty’s heart attack, but was distracted by the sight of the newly-decorated chair. Bruce told Hoss that he no longer wanted to be warden. (“I don’t want to be the boss of you, I want you.”) Just then, Wayne, Dexter, Ronni and Barker all filed in for the wedding and execution. Bruce informed them that he was resigning, and his last official act as warden was to pardon both Ronni and Dexter.
BRUCE: “Most of the time, it’s the governor who does that, but in Georgia, that’s Sonny Perdue, so that’d be ridiculous.”
Bruce then offered Ronni and Dexter the case of dublooms as a wedding present, but Rusty suddenly rushed in and snatched the case away. Unfazed, Bruce offered them a check and a gun instead. Dexter loudly called out “Oh, look, there’s a dubloom on the floor here.” Rusty immediately ran back in, and Dexter shot him. Bruce congratulated Dexter on his first kill.
Bruce changed out of his warden’s outfit and returned it to Barker. Barker’s first act as returning warden was to order a DOUBLE wedding. Wayne performed the ceremony for not only Dexter & Ronni, but for Bruce & Hoss as well. Just as Wayne pronounced them all married, the chair went off while Bruce and Hoss were sitting in it, giving their honeymoon some real spark. (Sorry…)
THE END
Showing posts with label wayne bo casey. Show all posts
Showing posts with label wayne bo casey. Show all posts
Friday, March 13, 2009
Wednesday, March 11, 2009
Season 11, Episode 7: The Never-Ending Dance
Episode 7: The Never-Ending Dance
In his office, Warden Otis Barker congratulated Bruce Brüce on having killed Superintendent Chauncey Weaver in a basketball deathmatch, thus ensuring that Washington would never receive Weaver’s report on the prison’s other violations.
BRUCE: “It’s weird how murder cancels out another crime. The PATRIOT Act changes things!”
Bruce cautioned that Barker owed him for this…big time.
Wayne Bo Casey was running around in circles in his cell when Corrections Officer Hoss Hardacre arrived. Wayne noticed that Hoss was bandaged, and Hoss explained that Arman Redder had shivved him in the gut. Hoss admitted that he’d been supplying Arman with steroids so that the team could win the basketball tournament, and Little Five Points Penitentiary could finally make a name for itself.
In the visitation room, Arman Redder finally met his wife, whom he’d married through correspondence. The visit got off to a rocky start when Arman greeted her as “Hot Tits,” so Rusty Trombonz offered some advice on how to talk to a woman. She soon began speaking directly to Rusty, ignoring Arman completely. Rusty asked if she’d carried out the errand they mentioned in their last letter, retrieving his dublooms from Medieval Times. She replied that she’d brought them in her car, but couldn’t bring them into the prison because they were too big. Rusty told her to leave the car in the parking lot, and they’d figure out how to get them in.
In Warden Barker’s office, Bruce issued a list of demands, including having rose petals scattered before him wherever he walks. When Barker hesitated, Bruce sang “Don’t Stop Me Now,” then threatened to sing more Queen songs until Barker gave in. When Barker protested that he wouldn’t have time for his other duties, Bruce replied that he would simply take over those duties himself…as the new Warden.
Rusty Trombonz was making his way to the parking lot when Wayne rushed past, hurrying to catch “The Price Is Right.” Seeing that Rusty was trying to get past the electrified gates, Wayne warned him that he’d be killed. Rusty decided to test it by throwing a quarter through the gateway, and we heard a crackling buzz. Wayne then tossed a baloney sandwich through, and again the gate buzzed. But when Rusty tossed a footlong hot dog through, nothing happened.
Arman was working out in the exercise yard when Hoss came by. After a tense standoff, they began fighting Star Trek-style. Overpowering Arman, Hoss ordered him to win the tournament, or he’s a dead man.
Barker was settling into Bruce’s cell as word spread through the prison grapevine about their switch. Wayne Bo Casey walked in, yodeling like the little Alpine hiker on “The Price Is Right.” Not noticing the change, Wayne informed “Bruce” of his plan to tie 18,000 hot dogs into a lasso and use it to pull the car through the gate. When Barker pointed out that he wasn’t Bruce, Wayne theorized that Bruce and Barker had switched brains. Wayne illustrated his theory by beginning a pelvic-thrusting dance, then found that he couldn’t stop.
In a secret lair deep inside the prison, Dexter Dewey regained consciousness and found himself tied up with Ronni Peterson, who was not dead after all. Ronni explained that they’d been held captive for a week, but had been provided with enough pudding to survive. Rusty Trombonz entered and explained why he’d done this…because Ronni reminded him so of his long-lost love Stacy. When Ronni protested that he was old enough to be her great-great-grandfather, Rusty insisted that love knows no boundaries.
Meanwhile, Wayne still couldn’t stop dancing.
Bruce had just finished redecorating the Warden’s office when Arman entered. Arman lamented that he longed to taste the air of freedom, especially now that he’d been rejected by his pen-pal wife. (“You’d think a woman would be flattered when you call her ‘Hot Tits.’”) Using his new authority, Bruce gave Arman a one-day pass to Six Flags. Bruce explained that this was the best he could do…if he could grant freedom, he’d be out himself.
Otis Barker finally stopped Wayne’s dance. Looking under Bruce’s bed, Wayne found a supply of hot dogs, already tied together. Wayne explained that he’d discovered the flaw in the electric gate that allowed hot dogs to get through. He then used the hot dogs to hypnotize Barker into forgetting his plan.
Making his rounds, Hoss Hardacre found Dexter Dewey’s cell empty. As he pondered the situation, Bruce entered (with rose petals scattered before him). They broke into a duet, with Bruce singing about the feelings that he’d developed for Hoss during their escape. When Hoss sang that he wasn’t gay, Bruce sang that his feelings weren’t sexual, just friendship…and if Hoss rejected that friendship, he’d have to bring the hammer down. All the inmates joined in the song.
Deep in the secret lair, Dexter and Ronni heard the song and were inspired to try escaping. The escape was quickly ended when Rusty beat Dexter senseless with his cane. Taking a seat on Dexter’s prone body, Rusty told Ronni how much she reminded him of his Stacy. In flashback, we saw how Stacy rejected Rusty for being poor, though he promised to have great wealth for her one day. And now, with his dublooms almost within his grasp, he’d finally lived up to that promise. As Rusty gloated about his treasure, Dexter managed to free himself from his ropes and used it to strangle Rusty. Stopping short of killing him, Dexter explained his plan to Ronni.
DEXTER: “You ever see ‘Reservoir Dogs’? If only I had a cool radio station to listen to while I do it.”
TO BE CONTINUED…
In his office, Warden Otis Barker congratulated Bruce Brüce on having killed Superintendent Chauncey Weaver in a basketball deathmatch, thus ensuring that Washington would never receive Weaver’s report on the prison’s other violations.
BRUCE: “It’s weird how murder cancels out another crime. The PATRIOT Act changes things!”
Bruce cautioned that Barker owed him for this…big time.
Wayne Bo Casey was running around in circles in his cell when Corrections Officer Hoss Hardacre arrived. Wayne noticed that Hoss was bandaged, and Hoss explained that Arman Redder had shivved him in the gut. Hoss admitted that he’d been supplying Arman with steroids so that the team could win the basketball tournament, and Little Five Points Penitentiary could finally make a name for itself.
In the visitation room, Arman Redder finally met his wife, whom he’d married through correspondence. The visit got off to a rocky start when Arman greeted her as “Hot Tits,” so Rusty Trombonz offered some advice on how to talk to a woman. She soon began speaking directly to Rusty, ignoring Arman completely. Rusty asked if she’d carried out the errand they mentioned in their last letter, retrieving his dublooms from Medieval Times. She replied that she’d brought them in her car, but couldn’t bring them into the prison because they were too big. Rusty told her to leave the car in the parking lot, and they’d figure out how to get them in.
In Warden Barker’s office, Bruce issued a list of demands, including having rose petals scattered before him wherever he walks. When Barker hesitated, Bruce sang “Don’t Stop Me Now,” then threatened to sing more Queen songs until Barker gave in. When Barker protested that he wouldn’t have time for his other duties, Bruce replied that he would simply take over those duties himself…as the new Warden.
Rusty Trombonz was making his way to the parking lot when Wayne rushed past, hurrying to catch “The Price Is Right.” Seeing that Rusty was trying to get past the electrified gates, Wayne warned him that he’d be killed. Rusty decided to test it by throwing a quarter through the gateway, and we heard a crackling buzz. Wayne then tossed a baloney sandwich through, and again the gate buzzed. But when Rusty tossed a footlong hot dog through, nothing happened.
Arman was working out in the exercise yard when Hoss came by. After a tense standoff, they began fighting Star Trek-style. Overpowering Arman, Hoss ordered him to win the tournament, or he’s a dead man.
Barker was settling into Bruce’s cell as word spread through the prison grapevine about their switch. Wayne Bo Casey walked in, yodeling like the little Alpine hiker on “The Price Is Right.” Not noticing the change, Wayne informed “Bruce” of his plan to tie 18,000 hot dogs into a lasso and use it to pull the car through the gate. When Barker pointed out that he wasn’t Bruce, Wayne theorized that Bruce and Barker had switched brains. Wayne illustrated his theory by beginning a pelvic-thrusting dance, then found that he couldn’t stop.
In a secret lair deep inside the prison, Dexter Dewey regained consciousness and found himself tied up with Ronni Peterson, who was not dead after all. Ronni explained that they’d been held captive for a week, but had been provided with enough pudding to survive. Rusty Trombonz entered and explained why he’d done this…because Ronni reminded him so of his long-lost love Stacy. When Ronni protested that he was old enough to be her great-great-grandfather, Rusty insisted that love knows no boundaries.
Meanwhile, Wayne still couldn’t stop dancing.
Bruce had just finished redecorating the Warden’s office when Arman entered. Arman lamented that he longed to taste the air of freedom, especially now that he’d been rejected by his pen-pal wife. (“You’d think a woman would be flattered when you call her ‘Hot Tits.’”) Using his new authority, Bruce gave Arman a one-day pass to Six Flags. Bruce explained that this was the best he could do…if he could grant freedom, he’d be out himself.
Otis Barker finally stopped Wayne’s dance. Looking under Bruce’s bed, Wayne found a supply of hot dogs, already tied together. Wayne explained that he’d discovered the flaw in the electric gate that allowed hot dogs to get through. He then used the hot dogs to hypnotize Barker into forgetting his plan.
Making his rounds, Hoss Hardacre found Dexter Dewey’s cell empty. As he pondered the situation, Bruce entered (with rose petals scattered before him). They broke into a duet, with Bruce singing about the feelings that he’d developed for Hoss during their escape. When Hoss sang that he wasn’t gay, Bruce sang that his feelings weren’t sexual, just friendship…and if Hoss rejected that friendship, he’d have to bring the hammer down. All the inmates joined in the song.
Deep in the secret lair, Dexter and Ronni heard the song and were inspired to try escaping. The escape was quickly ended when Rusty beat Dexter senseless with his cane. Taking a seat on Dexter’s prone body, Rusty told Ronni how much she reminded him of his Stacy. In flashback, we saw how Stacy rejected Rusty for being poor, though he promised to have great wealth for her one day. And now, with his dublooms almost within his grasp, he’d finally lived up to that promise. As Rusty gloated about his treasure, Dexter managed to free himself from his ropes and used it to strangle Rusty. Stopping short of killing him, Dexter explained his plan to Ronni.
DEXTER: “You ever see ‘Reservoir Dogs’? If only I had a cool radio station to listen to while I do it.”
TO BE CONTINUED…
Tuesday, March 10, 2009
Season 11, Episode 6: Ronni's Specter
Episode 6: Ronni’s Specter
In his cell, Rusty Trombonz pulled out his secret map to his treasure of dublooms and was looking over it when Corrections Officer Hoss Hardacre entered. Hoss explained that he was the acting warden while Warden Barker was refereeing the basketball deathmatch between Bruce Brüce and Chauncey Weaver. Hoss told Rusty that, in exchange for a share of the dublooms, he could make things a lot better for Rusty…like making sure he gets clean sheets.
In the execution chamber, Ronni Peterson was enjoying some private time with Dexter Dewey by striking erotic poses in the chair. Ronni declared her love for Dexter, pleading for him to marry her immediately…not because she’s pregnant, but because she’s going to be executed in two weeks. Dexter joyfully agreed. Since Wayne Bo Casey had been ordained a minister through mail-order, he could perform the ceremony. Breaking into song, Dexter informed Ronni that he needed her to teach him all about sex, since he’d never even seen a ’gina.
Working out in the weight room, Arman Redder thanked Wayne for giving him a second chance, assuring him (untruthfully) that he’d been off drugs for two days now. Wayne warned him that the steroids were still in his system and that he was still in the Danger Zone. They then began an elaborate role-playing exercise, portraying Loggins and Messina to symbolize their relationship.
Hoss told Rusty that all his treasure wouldn’t do him any good while it was out there, past the prison walls, minefields, and wolverine dens. However, he could arrange for 25% of that treasure to do Rusty some good now.
RUSTY: “So you’re saying you get 75% and I get a quarter?”
HOSS: “No, I’m saying you get 25% and I get the rest.”
RUSTY: “Duck season?”
In the chapel, Ronni asked Dexter not to think about her impending execution, but to focus on the happiness they have now. (“When you find your soulmate, it hits you like a ton of books.”) Dexter launched into a passionate monologue using library shelves as a metaphor for his heart, and was so moved that he finally rose from his wheelchair and stood on his feet once again (albeit unsteadily).
Running into Hoss Hardacre, Wayne Bo Casey immediately sensed that Hoss had a heavy burden on his mind. Hoss replied that he couldn’t tell anybody else about it. Wayne suggested that he write it down, just to let it out without revealing the secret to anybody else. When Hoss confessed that he was illiterate, Wayne offered to write it down for him. Agreeing, Hoss dictated his plan to arrange a jailbreak for Rusty Trombonz. Hoss explained that a Medieval Times restaurant had been built over the spot where Rusty buried his dublooms, and Wayne devised an elaborate plot to uncover the treasure during a joust.
When Arman Redder confronted Hoss Hardacre about his drug-pushing, Hoss broke into a song explaining how hard life was for a prison guard, and that all he asked in return was for Arman to make him proud on the basketball court. To make that happen, he needed performance-enhancing drugs.
Dexter and Wayne were in the commissary, going over the plans for Dexter’s wedding. Dexter explained that, instead of a wedding cake, he’d always dreamed of having a huge pile of wedding pudding. They began sampling different flavors to figure out which one to use.
Blissfully skipping through the halls, Ronni made her way to the Warden’s office and announced over the PA how much in love she was. As she did, a mysterious hooded figure in black appeared behind her. As soon as the figure spoke, she recognized him as Rusty Trombonz. Thinking she was after his dublooms, Rusty hit her in the knee with his cane.
Meanwhile, Dexter and Wayne continued the pudding-tasting. Somehow, Wayne segued into a monologue about his mother’s health problems. Dexter complimented Wayne on his unique thought processes.
Arman went up before the parole board, explaining that he was convicted under an unjust law for aiding and abetting his parents’ crime while he was in the womb. Unfortunately, he lost the board’s sympathy when he made some slurs against the Irish.
Hoss found the injured Ronni in the hall and informed her that a broken knee was no excuse for being out of her cell. She cried that she needed a wheelchair, and Hoss informed her that the only wheelchair in the prison was the one recently vacated by Dexter. When Ronni remarked on the irony of the situation, Hoss went into a lengthy explanation about the difference between irony and coincidence.
Dexter and Wayne were still going over the wedding plans. Wayne warned him that this was the first wedding he’d ever performed, and he had to have confidence that they were serious about her, and that the marriage wouldn’t fall apart due to adultery. Dexter assured him that, since Ronni had only two weeks to live, the chances of either of them finding time for an affair were pretty slim.
Returning to the prison yard, Arman informed Hoss that his parole had been denied due to failing his drug test. Hoss revealed that he’d provided the drugs for just that purpose, because he needed Arman in jail for the basketball tournament. Arman remarked how ironic that was. After defining “irony” for five minutes, Hoss warned Arman that he would cut off the drug supply if Arman refused to play ball for him. Arman responded by stabbing Hoss with a sharpened recorder.
Wobbling through the halls, Dexter Dewey found the critically-injured Ronni lying on the ground. Realizing that she was losing blood rapidly, Dexter begged her to hold on. The shadowy hooded figure of Rusty Trombonz appeared behind them. Mistaking the dark phantom for God, Dexter offered to give his own life if Ronni could have the last two weeks of hers.
RUSTY: “Don’t worry, she’s fine.”
DEXTER: “She’s fine? You hear that, honey? You’re fine!”
RUSTY: “Fine-ally DEAD!”
TO BE CONTINUED…
In his cell, Rusty Trombonz pulled out his secret map to his treasure of dublooms and was looking over it when Corrections Officer Hoss Hardacre entered. Hoss explained that he was the acting warden while Warden Barker was refereeing the basketball deathmatch between Bruce Brüce and Chauncey Weaver. Hoss told Rusty that, in exchange for a share of the dublooms, he could make things a lot better for Rusty…like making sure he gets clean sheets.
In the execution chamber, Ronni Peterson was enjoying some private time with Dexter Dewey by striking erotic poses in the chair. Ronni declared her love for Dexter, pleading for him to marry her immediately…not because she’s pregnant, but because she’s going to be executed in two weeks. Dexter joyfully agreed. Since Wayne Bo Casey had been ordained a minister through mail-order, he could perform the ceremony. Breaking into song, Dexter informed Ronni that he needed her to teach him all about sex, since he’d never even seen a ’gina.
Working out in the weight room, Arman Redder thanked Wayne for giving him a second chance, assuring him (untruthfully) that he’d been off drugs for two days now. Wayne warned him that the steroids were still in his system and that he was still in the Danger Zone. They then began an elaborate role-playing exercise, portraying Loggins and Messina to symbolize their relationship.
Hoss told Rusty that all his treasure wouldn’t do him any good while it was out there, past the prison walls, minefields, and wolverine dens. However, he could arrange for 25% of that treasure to do Rusty some good now.
RUSTY: “So you’re saying you get 75% and I get a quarter?”
HOSS: “No, I’m saying you get 25% and I get the rest.”
RUSTY: “Duck season?”
In the chapel, Ronni asked Dexter not to think about her impending execution, but to focus on the happiness they have now. (“When you find your soulmate, it hits you like a ton of books.”) Dexter launched into a passionate monologue using library shelves as a metaphor for his heart, and was so moved that he finally rose from his wheelchair and stood on his feet once again (albeit unsteadily).
Running into Hoss Hardacre, Wayne Bo Casey immediately sensed that Hoss had a heavy burden on his mind. Hoss replied that he couldn’t tell anybody else about it. Wayne suggested that he write it down, just to let it out without revealing the secret to anybody else. When Hoss confessed that he was illiterate, Wayne offered to write it down for him. Agreeing, Hoss dictated his plan to arrange a jailbreak for Rusty Trombonz. Hoss explained that a Medieval Times restaurant had been built over the spot where Rusty buried his dublooms, and Wayne devised an elaborate plot to uncover the treasure during a joust.
When Arman Redder confronted Hoss Hardacre about his drug-pushing, Hoss broke into a song explaining how hard life was for a prison guard, and that all he asked in return was for Arman to make him proud on the basketball court. To make that happen, he needed performance-enhancing drugs.
Dexter and Wayne were in the commissary, going over the plans for Dexter’s wedding. Dexter explained that, instead of a wedding cake, he’d always dreamed of having a huge pile of wedding pudding. They began sampling different flavors to figure out which one to use.
Blissfully skipping through the halls, Ronni made her way to the Warden’s office and announced over the PA how much in love she was. As she did, a mysterious hooded figure in black appeared behind her. As soon as the figure spoke, she recognized him as Rusty Trombonz. Thinking she was after his dublooms, Rusty hit her in the knee with his cane.
Meanwhile, Dexter and Wayne continued the pudding-tasting. Somehow, Wayne segued into a monologue about his mother’s health problems. Dexter complimented Wayne on his unique thought processes.
Arman went up before the parole board, explaining that he was convicted under an unjust law for aiding and abetting his parents’ crime while he was in the womb. Unfortunately, he lost the board’s sympathy when he made some slurs against the Irish.
Hoss found the injured Ronni in the hall and informed her that a broken knee was no excuse for being out of her cell. She cried that she needed a wheelchair, and Hoss informed her that the only wheelchair in the prison was the one recently vacated by Dexter. When Ronni remarked on the irony of the situation, Hoss went into a lengthy explanation about the difference between irony and coincidence.
Dexter and Wayne were still going over the wedding plans. Wayne warned him that this was the first wedding he’d ever performed, and he had to have confidence that they were serious about her, and that the marriage wouldn’t fall apart due to adultery. Dexter assured him that, since Ronni had only two weeks to live, the chances of either of them finding time for an affair were pretty slim.
Returning to the prison yard, Arman informed Hoss that his parole had been denied due to failing his drug test. Hoss revealed that he’d provided the drugs for just that purpose, because he needed Arman in jail for the basketball tournament. Arman remarked how ironic that was. After defining “irony” for five minutes, Hoss warned Arman that he would cut off the drug supply if Arman refused to play ball for him. Arman responded by stabbing Hoss with a sharpened recorder.
Wobbling through the halls, Dexter Dewey found the critically-injured Ronni lying on the ground. Realizing that she was losing blood rapidly, Dexter begged her to hold on. The shadowy hooded figure of Rusty Trombonz appeared behind them. Mistaking the dark phantom for God, Dexter offered to give his own life if Ronni could have the last two weeks of hers.
RUSTY: “Don’t worry, she’s fine.”
DEXTER: “She’s fine? You hear that, honey? You’re fine!”
RUSTY: “Fine-ally DEAD!”
TO BE CONTINUED…
Monday, March 9, 2009
Season 11, Episode 5: The Toilet-Themed Episode
Episode 5: The Toilet-Themed Episode
Having reclaimed his office by force, Warden Otis Barker informed Superintendent Chauncey Weaver that he couldn’t allow him to return to Washington and report him…so he was keeping Weaver prisoner as the new prison janitor.
New inmate Ronni Peterson (temporarily held at L5P Penitentiary until she could be transferred to the Agnes Scott Women’s Prison) was eating in the cafeteria with Bruce Brüce. Bruce confessed that, during his escape with Officer Hoss Hardacre, he’d felt something he’d never felt before…he’d never been around a man who wasn’t interested in him, and it was breaking his heart. Bruce’s discussion of his love life prompted Ronni to reminisce about all her victims.
RONNI: “I like to come at ’em when they’re sleeping.”
BRUCE: “Really? I like to come ON them when they’re sleeping.”
Of course, this remark got Bruce sent to the hole.
Raymond Milk was doing some research about the puffin (“the misunderstood penguin”) in the library when Dexter Dewey rolled in. Dewey complained about Raymond’s good fortune: Raymond got stabbed 14 ½ times with no lasting effects, but one shiv to the gut put Dewey in a wheelchair. (“Life deals you a pair of aces, life deals me a pair of plegics.”) Raymond tried to cheer up Dewey by reminding him that he had knowledge, and knowledge is real power. Dewey replied that nobody valued intellect anymore, as demonstrated by the last election.
Hoss was overseeing Arman Redder’s physical therapy, helping him to regain the use of his broken finger in time for the basketball tournament. Playing to Arman’s racist instincts, Hoss told him to think of the pain as a minority group, like Lithuanians, and to deal with it the way he would with them. Arman pleaded with Hoss to get him some meds so that he could play again.
Wayne Bo Casey was singing REO Speedwagon in his cell when Janitor Weaver came in to clean the toilet. As Weaver went about his janitorial duties, he gave Wayne a feedback form to rate his service on a scale of 1 to 5. Wayne saw his chance to pay Weaver back for turning him into a psychotic killer…plus taking a cut of all the Wayne Bo Casey T-shirts that were sold. Wayne ordered Weaver to dance for him; when Weaver demonstrated some breakdancing moves, Wayne was so impressed that he gave him all 5s on his report.
Warden Barker released Bruce from the hole, then asked a favor from him. Barker explained that he couldn’t allow Weaver to make his report to Washington, so he needed to ruin Weaver’s reputation and credibility. Bruce assured him that he could use his outside connections with the Rainbow Mafia to make the world think that Weaver was gay…just like they did to Rock Hudson. In exchange, Bruce wanted a solid gold toilet.
Ronni Peterson was stalking Dewey through the prison. When he finally noticed her, he praised her beauty. (“Your skin is porcelain, like a beautiful, beautiful toilet…I know we talk about toilets a lot here, sorry.”) They made a date for Dewey to come by her cell later on, and he’d bring so much pudding they wouldn’t be able to breathe.
Wayne and Arman were practicing their basketball moves in the courtyard when Wayne noticed that Arman’s eye was dilated. Finding Arman’s drug paraphernalia, Wayne informed him that he couldn’t trust his escape plan to a junkie. Wayne announced that he had a new partner for the team…Bruce Brüce. Angrily, Arman demanded that they play a match to see who would make the cut; Arman immediately lost.
Afterwards, Bruce was in the shower when Janitor Weaver came in to clean the drains. Weaver was repulsed by Bruce’s obvious gayness, but went about his duties in hope of good customer-service feedback. Bruce began asking Weaver some questions, while holding a bar of soap up to Weaver’s face. (“It’s all right, it’s just a bar of soap, it’s not a tape recorder or anything.”) Seeing through the charade, Weaver snatched away the bar and attempted to snap it in half. Failing that, he broke the bar by biting into it…discovering that it was indeed just a bar of soap.
Stopping by Ronni Peterson’s cell, Warden Barker saw that she was getting ready for a date. When she explained that she was waiting for Dexter Dewey, Barker was initially taken aback, but told her what a nice gesture it was to give Dewey a pity date (just as Dewey arrived). Ronni and Dewey informed him that it was not a pity date; sensing the awkwardness of the moment, Barker went back to his office.
In the office, Hoss informed Barker that he’d had Ronni’s cell under constant surveillance (although they’d have to take the hidden cameras to Eckerd’s to get them developed). As Barker rhapsodized how good it was to see romance blooming in his prison, Hoss warned him that having a woman there would lead to jealousy and riots. Barker saw his point, but couldn’t bring himself to break them up…so Hoss set out to do it himself.
On his way to Ronni’s cell, Hoss ran into Arman Redder, who hit him up for a fix. Hoss gave him some more pills, warning him that these meds had better pay off on the basketball court.
On their date, Ronni was feeding pudding to Dewey when she asked why he was in jail. Dewey was reluctant to tell her, fearing that she’d turn against him, but he eventually confessed: “I had sex with a bus full of children. Now, before you judge me, I didn’t have sex with the children…I just had sex with the bus.” Ronni replied that she doesn’t judge him, and continued feeding him pudding. Just then, Janitor Weaver came by to clean the toilet. He screamed in horror, mistaking the pudding for…um, something else.
Fleeing in disgust, Weaver went up to the roof, where he found Wayne lost in thought. Weaver apologized for trying to cancel the basketball game back when he had the authority to do so. Weaver asked if he could be Wayne’s new partner, if the current one should happen to die. After a bit of practice so Wayne could see Weaver’s moves, Wayne agreed to kill Bruce so that Weaver could take his place. They’d win the tournament, escape, and start a speakeasy.
TO BE CONTINUED…
Having reclaimed his office by force, Warden Otis Barker informed Superintendent Chauncey Weaver that he couldn’t allow him to return to Washington and report him…so he was keeping Weaver prisoner as the new prison janitor.
New inmate Ronni Peterson (temporarily held at L5P Penitentiary until she could be transferred to the Agnes Scott Women’s Prison) was eating in the cafeteria with Bruce Brüce. Bruce confessed that, during his escape with Officer Hoss Hardacre, he’d felt something he’d never felt before…he’d never been around a man who wasn’t interested in him, and it was breaking his heart. Bruce’s discussion of his love life prompted Ronni to reminisce about all her victims.
RONNI: “I like to come at ’em when they’re sleeping.”
BRUCE: “Really? I like to come ON them when they’re sleeping.”
Of course, this remark got Bruce sent to the hole.
Raymond Milk was doing some research about the puffin (“the misunderstood penguin”) in the library when Dexter Dewey rolled in. Dewey complained about Raymond’s good fortune: Raymond got stabbed 14 ½ times with no lasting effects, but one shiv to the gut put Dewey in a wheelchair. (“Life deals you a pair of aces, life deals me a pair of plegics.”) Raymond tried to cheer up Dewey by reminding him that he had knowledge, and knowledge is real power. Dewey replied that nobody valued intellect anymore, as demonstrated by the last election.
Hoss was overseeing Arman Redder’s physical therapy, helping him to regain the use of his broken finger in time for the basketball tournament. Playing to Arman’s racist instincts, Hoss told him to think of the pain as a minority group, like Lithuanians, and to deal with it the way he would with them. Arman pleaded with Hoss to get him some meds so that he could play again.
Wayne Bo Casey was singing REO Speedwagon in his cell when Janitor Weaver came in to clean the toilet. As Weaver went about his janitorial duties, he gave Wayne a feedback form to rate his service on a scale of 1 to 5. Wayne saw his chance to pay Weaver back for turning him into a psychotic killer…plus taking a cut of all the Wayne Bo Casey T-shirts that were sold. Wayne ordered Weaver to dance for him; when Weaver demonstrated some breakdancing moves, Wayne was so impressed that he gave him all 5s on his report.
Warden Barker released Bruce from the hole, then asked a favor from him. Barker explained that he couldn’t allow Weaver to make his report to Washington, so he needed to ruin Weaver’s reputation and credibility. Bruce assured him that he could use his outside connections with the Rainbow Mafia to make the world think that Weaver was gay…just like they did to Rock Hudson. In exchange, Bruce wanted a solid gold toilet.
Ronni Peterson was stalking Dewey through the prison. When he finally noticed her, he praised her beauty. (“Your skin is porcelain, like a beautiful, beautiful toilet…I know we talk about toilets a lot here, sorry.”) They made a date for Dewey to come by her cell later on, and he’d bring so much pudding they wouldn’t be able to breathe.
Wayne and Arman were practicing their basketball moves in the courtyard when Wayne noticed that Arman’s eye was dilated. Finding Arman’s drug paraphernalia, Wayne informed him that he couldn’t trust his escape plan to a junkie. Wayne announced that he had a new partner for the team…Bruce Brüce. Angrily, Arman demanded that they play a match to see who would make the cut; Arman immediately lost.
Afterwards, Bruce was in the shower when Janitor Weaver came in to clean the drains. Weaver was repulsed by Bruce’s obvious gayness, but went about his duties in hope of good customer-service feedback. Bruce began asking Weaver some questions, while holding a bar of soap up to Weaver’s face. (“It’s all right, it’s just a bar of soap, it’s not a tape recorder or anything.”) Seeing through the charade, Weaver snatched away the bar and attempted to snap it in half. Failing that, he broke the bar by biting into it…discovering that it was indeed just a bar of soap.
Stopping by Ronni Peterson’s cell, Warden Barker saw that she was getting ready for a date. When she explained that she was waiting for Dexter Dewey, Barker was initially taken aback, but told her what a nice gesture it was to give Dewey a pity date (just as Dewey arrived). Ronni and Dewey informed him that it was not a pity date; sensing the awkwardness of the moment, Barker went back to his office.
In the office, Hoss informed Barker that he’d had Ronni’s cell under constant surveillance (although they’d have to take the hidden cameras to Eckerd’s to get them developed). As Barker rhapsodized how good it was to see romance blooming in his prison, Hoss warned him that having a woman there would lead to jealousy and riots. Barker saw his point, but couldn’t bring himself to break them up…so Hoss set out to do it himself.
On his way to Ronni’s cell, Hoss ran into Arman Redder, who hit him up for a fix. Hoss gave him some more pills, warning him that these meds had better pay off on the basketball court.
On their date, Ronni was feeding pudding to Dewey when she asked why he was in jail. Dewey was reluctant to tell her, fearing that she’d turn against him, but he eventually confessed: “I had sex with a bus full of children. Now, before you judge me, I didn’t have sex with the children…I just had sex with the bus.” Ronni replied that she doesn’t judge him, and continued feeding him pudding. Just then, Janitor Weaver came by to clean the toilet. He screamed in horror, mistaking the pudding for…um, something else.
Fleeing in disgust, Weaver went up to the roof, where he found Wayne lost in thought. Weaver apologized for trying to cancel the basketball game back when he had the authority to do so. Weaver asked if he could be Wayne’s new partner, if the current one should happen to die. After a bit of practice so Wayne could see Weaver’s moves, Wayne agreed to kill Bruce so that Weaver could take his place. They’d win the tournament, escape, and start a speakeasy.
TO BE CONTINUED…
Sunday, March 8, 2009
Season 11, Episode 4: And That's a Lesson Learned
Episode 4: And That’s a Lesson Learned
As the new head of the prison, Superintendent Weaver issued his first orders, revoking the inmates’ eating and sleeping privileges, plus ordering twice as much ass-raping for Rusty Trombonz and Dexter Dewey. When Corrections Officer Hoss Hardacre entered, Weaver chewed him out for helping Bruce Brüce to escape. Hoss wasn’t intimidated, since he remembered Weaver’s first day on the job as a guard, when Weaver pissed his pants in fear.
Arman Redder was in his cell, recording his Aryan-supremacy public-access show “Everything’s Going to Be All White” (this episode being devoted to demonizing the Irish), when his “special guest” Rusty Trombonz entered. Rusty had no idea what Arman’s show was all about.
Wayne Bo Casey came into the commissary and discovered ex-Warden Barker dishing out the whipped potatoes. Barker explained that he’d been demoted, but was still just as dedicated to this job as he’d been to his old one. Wayne suggested that he think back to the happy times, then shared a childhood memory of the time his father pushed him on the swing before abandoning him. Wayne then explained that even though the prisoners never respected Barker before, now that they’d had a taste of Weaver’s sadism, they wanted him back. (“So I’m slightly better than the worst-case scenario?”)
Dexter Dewey went to Weaver’s office to register a complaint. (“Wait, you’re filing complaints against me…TO me?”) Dewey angrily protested Weaver’s constant profanity and the ordered increase in anal rape, and then started kicking over the furniture.
As Hoss Hardacre gave Rusty Trombonz a makeover in the prison barbershop, Rusty told Hoss that his recent multiple stabbings by Dexter Dewey had made him realize he needed protection. In return, he’d give Hoss a share of the dublooms from his train robbery. As Hoss contemplated the things he could buy for his wife, Rusty reminisced about his own wife Stacy. In a flashback, young Rusty sang a love song to Stacy…at which point, Dexter’s grandfather rushed in and stabbed him.
Arman and Wayne were in the showers, practicing their smack talk for the upcoming basketball game. Wayne boasted that, once they win the championship and escape, they’d be scot free due to triple jeopardy: “You can’t be jailed if you’re a basketball champion!”
Ex-Warden Barker was tarring the roof over when Dewey arrived and remarked on the “retarred” roof. Dewey was immediately thrown into the hole for making such an awful pun, and Barker was thrown in as well after discovering that he’d been using human waste instead of tar. In the hole, Dewey told Barker a secret he could use to take down Weaver: Weaver was the one who turned Wayne Bo Casey from an ordinary citizen into a psychotic killer.
Wayne was rifling through Rusty’s cell when Hoss entered. Wayne explained that he was searching for the key to open Rusty’s trunk full of dublooms. Hoss asked Wayne what he would do with Rusty’s treasure, and Wayne explained that he would look up his friend on the outside, Dr. Cotton Fitzsimmons. Wayne launched into an ambitious monologue of his plan to have Dr. Fitzsimmons clone him and make a new Wayne who’d avoid all of his old mistakes. Hoss replied that Wayne didn’t need to clone himself to make a new start; he could do that by himself…without the dublooms.
Superintendent Weaver was going over some figures in his office when Arman Redder came in to talk with him. Weaver warned Arman that he would have no part of Arman’s racism. (“I hate everyone indiscriminately!”) They began arguing and throwing things around, actually breaking the telephone. Furious, Weaver cancelled the basketball tour, then broke Arman’s finger.
Released from the hole, Dewey was all by himself at the prison dance when Rusty approached him. As they danced, Dewey apologized for stabbing Rusty so many times, explaining that he just can’t stand it when old people sing. They made amends to the tune of “Making Love Out of Nothing At All.”
Ex-Warden Barker was cleaning up the officers’ lounge when Hoss came in. Appalled to see his former boss reduced to this, Hoss told Barker to stand up to Weaver…then reluctantly informed him that Weaver had revoked Barker’s not-being-beaten privileges. When Barker protested that Weaver was so much bigger and stronger than him, Hoss reminded him of the time the midget inmate Pepe Lopez killed a 6’8” opponent. Hoss then began spraying Barker with mace to build him up into a man.
Arman was in the library, consulting medical books to treat his broken finger. When he made an anti-Semitic remark about the medical establishment, Dewey indignantly called him on it.
ARMAN: “Why? What have the Jews ever done for you?”
DEWEY: “They gave birth to me.”
Dewey informed Arman that he needed to look at himself instead of blaming other groups for his problems. (“It’s not our differences that make us different!”) When Arman refused to give an inch on his bigotry, a fight broke out. Rusty and Hoss rushed in, but Dewey told them to stay out of it, insisting that it was his fight. After an intense struggle, Dewey strangled Arman with the telephone cord, but was critically injured himself. Gasping, Dewey told Rusty that he would find some vital information in his cell, but collapsed before he could explain further.
In his cell, Wayne was practicing his stand-up act, demonstrating the observational humor of a deranged mind. (“You ever notice that when you lick an envelope, it taste like shit? They used to taste like raspberries, but now they taste like sheeeeiiit!”)
Weaver was in is office when Barker stormed in, demanding his job back. Wayne came in to back Barker up, followed shortly by Arman, Hoss, Rusty, and even Dewey (in a wheelchair). They explained that they were holding an intervention for Weaver’s addiction to power. The shock was too much for Weaver, who immediately had a heart attack. Rusty performed his own brand of CPR…with a shiv.
TO BE CONTINUED…
As the new head of the prison, Superintendent Weaver issued his first orders, revoking the inmates’ eating and sleeping privileges, plus ordering twice as much ass-raping for Rusty Trombonz and Dexter Dewey. When Corrections Officer Hoss Hardacre entered, Weaver chewed him out for helping Bruce Brüce to escape. Hoss wasn’t intimidated, since he remembered Weaver’s first day on the job as a guard, when Weaver pissed his pants in fear.
Arman Redder was in his cell, recording his Aryan-supremacy public-access show “Everything’s Going to Be All White” (this episode being devoted to demonizing the Irish), when his “special guest” Rusty Trombonz entered. Rusty had no idea what Arman’s show was all about.
Wayne Bo Casey came into the commissary and discovered ex-Warden Barker dishing out the whipped potatoes. Barker explained that he’d been demoted, but was still just as dedicated to this job as he’d been to his old one. Wayne suggested that he think back to the happy times, then shared a childhood memory of the time his father pushed him on the swing before abandoning him. Wayne then explained that even though the prisoners never respected Barker before, now that they’d had a taste of Weaver’s sadism, they wanted him back. (“So I’m slightly better than the worst-case scenario?”)
Dexter Dewey went to Weaver’s office to register a complaint. (“Wait, you’re filing complaints against me…TO me?”) Dewey angrily protested Weaver’s constant profanity and the ordered increase in anal rape, and then started kicking over the furniture.
As Hoss Hardacre gave Rusty Trombonz a makeover in the prison barbershop, Rusty told Hoss that his recent multiple stabbings by Dexter Dewey had made him realize he needed protection. In return, he’d give Hoss a share of the dublooms from his train robbery. As Hoss contemplated the things he could buy for his wife, Rusty reminisced about his own wife Stacy. In a flashback, young Rusty sang a love song to Stacy…at which point, Dexter’s grandfather rushed in and stabbed him.
Arman and Wayne were in the showers, practicing their smack talk for the upcoming basketball game. Wayne boasted that, once they win the championship and escape, they’d be scot free due to triple jeopardy: “You can’t be jailed if you’re a basketball champion!”
Ex-Warden Barker was tarring the roof over when Dewey arrived and remarked on the “retarred” roof. Dewey was immediately thrown into the hole for making such an awful pun, and Barker was thrown in as well after discovering that he’d been using human waste instead of tar. In the hole, Dewey told Barker a secret he could use to take down Weaver: Weaver was the one who turned Wayne Bo Casey from an ordinary citizen into a psychotic killer.
Wayne was rifling through Rusty’s cell when Hoss entered. Wayne explained that he was searching for the key to open Rusty’s trunk full of dublooms. Hoss asked Wayne what he would do with Rusty’s treasure, and Wayne explained that he would look up his friend on the outside, Dr. Cotton Fitzsimmons. Wayne launched into an ambitious monologue of his plan to have Dr. Fitzsimmons clone him and make a new Wayne who’d avoid all of his old mistakes. Hoss replied that Wayne didn’t need to clone himself to make a new start; he could do that by himself…without the dublooms.
Superintendent Weaver was going over some figures in his office when Arman Redder came in to talk with him. Weaver warned Arman that he would have no part of Arman’s racism. (“I hate everyone indiscriminately!”) They began arguing and throwing things around, actually breaking the telephone. Furious, Weaver cancelled the basketball tour, then broke Arman’s finger.
Released from the hole, Dewey was all by himself at the prison dance when Rusty approached him. As they danced, Dewey apologized for stabbing Rusty so many times, explaining that he just can’t stand it when old people sing. They made amends to the tune of “Making Love Out of Nothing At All.”
Ex-Warden Barker was cleaning up the officers’ lounge when Hoss came in. Appalled to see his former boss reduced to this, Hoss told Barker to stand up to Weaver…then reluctantly informed him that Weaver had revoked Barker’s not-being-beaten privileges. When Barker protested that Weaver was so much bigger and stronger than him, Hoss reminded him of the time the midget inmate Pepe Lopez killed a 6’8” opponent. Hoss then began spraying Barker with mace to build him up into a man.
Arman was in the library, consulting medical books to treat his broken finger. When he made an anti-Semitic remark about the medical establishment, Dewey indignantly called him on it.
ARMAN: “Why? What have the Jews ever done for you?”
DEWEY: “They gave birth to me.”
Dewey informed Arman that he needed to look at himself instead of blaming other groups for his problems. (“It’s not our differences that make us different!”) When Arman refused to give an inch on his bigotry, a fight broke out. Rusty and Hoss rushed in, but Dewey told them to stay out of it, insisting that it was his fight. After an intense struggle, Dewey strangled Arman with the telephone cord, but was critically injured himself. Gasping, Dewey told Rusty that he would find some vital information in his cell, but collapsed before he could explain further.
In his cell, Wayne was practicing his stand-up act, demonstrating the observational humor of a deranged mind. (“You ever notice that when you lick an envelope, it taste like shit? They used to taste like raspberries, but now they taste like sheeeeiiit!”)
Weaver was in is office when Barker stormed in, demanding his job back. Wayne came in to back Barker up, followed shortly by Arman, Hoss, Rusty, and even Dewey (in a wheelchair). They explained that they were holding an intervention for Weaver’s addiction to power. The shock was too much for Weaver, who immediately had a heart attack. Rusty performed his own brand of CPR…with a shiv.
TO BE CONTINUED…
Saturday, March 7, 2009
Season 11, Episode 3: With a Song (and a Knife) in My Heart
Episode 3: With a Song (and a Knife) in My Heart
Raymond Milk (recovering from 14 ½ stab wounds) told Warden Otis Barker all about the riot that had gone down during Barker’s absence. Barker assured Raymond that there would be no repercussions over the death of Substitute Warden Linda Strunck, since she wasn’t the real warden anyway. Barker then told Raymond about his trip to Washington, where his superiors had ordered him to get tougher. Barker boasted that he’d told Superintendent Weaver where to get off…just as Weaver entered the office.
In the prison library, Rusty Trombonz was consumed with guilt over stabbing Raymond during the riot. He broke into song explaining that, in his long career as a robber, he had never committed an act of violence before. In his despair, he began stabbing the dictionary…which prompted librarian Dexter Dewey to rush in and stab Rusty’s hand to the table. Dewey warned Rusty that if he ever heard him singing again, there’d be more of the same.
Bruce Brüce and Corrections Officer Hoss Hardacre had broken out of jail and were making their way to Hoss’ home in Noonan, to prevent the murder of Hoss’ wife Martha.
Playing basketball in the exercise yard, Wayne Bo Casey and Arman Redder devised an elaborate scheme: By winning the Inmate-Guard games, they could parlay their success into a tour until they play the Harlem Globetrotters in Madison Square Garden. Once there, they could disguise themselves as concessionaires. Arman intended this as an opportunity to escape, but Wayne just saw it as a chance to slit patrons’ throats at random.
Superintendent Weaver was chewing out Barker while throwing furniture around. Weaver grabbed the PA and informed everybody that Warden Barker was fired, and declared himself King Shit of the prison.
In the cafeteria, Raymond asked Wayne to help him kill Rusty Trombonz in revenge for his stabbing. Wayne launched into a lecture about karma, explaining that Raymond deserved those 14 ½ wounds for snitching about the riot.
Ex-Warden Barker stopped by Rusty’s cell, despondent over his firing. Rusty began to offer him some advice, but when his speech segued into a song, Dexter immediately rushed in and stabbed him.
Hoss and Bruce were on the run in Midtown. Bruce told Hoss that he had to be inconspicuous and blend in by acting gay, but Hoss couldn’t figure out how to do that. Hoss decided that he wouldn’t feel gay if he pretended that Bruce was a woman. They took each other’s hand and began walking along.
Raymond was sitting in his cell when Arman Redder came by, complaining that Raymond hadn’t come through on his promise to provide a woman to bear Arman’s child. Raymond pointed out that he had indeed fulfilled his obligation by hooking Arman up with the substitute warden; it wasn’t his fault that she was burned to death in the riot. Arman warned Raymond that their business wasn’t over yet, then left as Ex-Warden Barker arrived. Raymond expressed his sympathy, reminiscing over all the good things Barker had done for the inmates…like Brownie Thursday, when Brownie troops would visit the prison to be “Scared Straight.” After Raymond made one too many suggestive comments about the Brownies, Superintendent Weaver stormed in and threw Raymond in the hole. After Weaver stormed out again, Barker went over to the hole and urged Raymond to find out Weaver’s dark secrets and deepest fear so that Barker could use it against him.
In the showers, Arman told Dewey that he’d heard about the dictionary-stabbing incident, and offered his protective services to Dewey. In return, he wanted Dewey to provide him with books about basketball…and to file a complaint against the warden.
Even the fearless Wayne Bo Casey was terrified when Superintendent Weaver visited his cell. Wayne screamed “You created me,” explaining that he’d been a normal, ordinary man until 15 years ago, when he was arrested for a traffic violation. It was Weaver’s brutality that turned Wayne into the psychotic white-faced maniac he was today.
WAYNE: “Now, I kill child stars for a living.”
WEAVER: “How do you make money off of that?”
Weaver retorted that Wayne should be grateful that Weaver transformed him from a nobody into a man known and feared by the entire world. Wayne snapped and knocked the mug from Weaver’s hand. Weaver shouted that that “coffee” mug was really filled with his favorite whiskey, then started strangling Wayne.
Hoss and Bruce arrived at Hoss’ house, then split up to prevent the murder. Bruce found the hitman and asked him to call off the hit. The hitman agreed, surprising Bruce by being so easy-going about it. Hoss found his wife and apologized for taking out a contract on her by mistake, reassuring her that he truly did still love her. As Hoss tearfully explained that he was on the run and hade to leave once again, Bruce gave the hitman a new assignment as Martha’s bodyguard. As they left, Hoss thanked Bruce for his help, but informed him that he still had to fulfill his duty as a guard and take Bruce back to jail.
Rusty was up on the roof, alone with his thoughts. Looking around to make sure Dewey was nowhere in sight, he began to sing about his feelings. Dewey immediately rushed in and attacked Rusty with a knife. Still trying to sing throughout the struggle, Rusty managed to get hold of the knife. Superintendent Weaver stomped in, shouting that nobody but him could kill anybody in his prison. Rusty threw the knife at Weaver, hitting him in the crotch (handle-first, luckily for Weaver). As Weaver doubled up, Dewey grabbed his cup and took a swig, only to discover that it was indeed real whiskey.
TO BE CONTINUED…
Raymond Milk (recovering from 14 ½ stab wounds) told Warden Otis Barker all about the riot that had gone down during Barker’s absence. Barker assured Raymond that there would be no repercussions over the death of Substitute Warden Linda Strunck, since she wasn’t the real warden anyway. Barker then told Raymond about his trip to Washington, where his superiors had ordered him to get tougher. Barker boasted that he’d told Superintendent Weaver where to get off…just as Weaver entered the office.
In the prison library, Rusty Trombonz was consumed with guilt over stabbing Raymond during the riot. He broke into song explaining that, in his long career as a robber, he had never committed an act of violence before. In his despair, he began stabbing the dictionary…which prompted librarian Dexter Dewey to rush in and stab Rusty’s hand to the table. Dewey warned Rusty that if he ever heard him singing again, there’d be more of the same.
Bruce Brüce and Corrections Officer Hoss Hardacre had broken out of jail and were making their way to Hoss’ home in Noonan, to prevent the murder of Hoss’ wife Martha.
Playing basketball in the exercise yard, Wayne Bo Casey and Arman Redder devised an elaborate scheme: By winning the Inmate-Guard games, they could parlay their success into a tour until they play the Harlem Globetrotters in Madison Square Garden. Once there, they could disguise themselves as concessionaires. Arman intended this as an opportunity to escape, but Wayne just saw it as a chance to slit patrons’ throats at random.
Superintendent Weaver was chewing out Barker while throwing furniture around. Weaver grabbed the PA and informed everybody that Warden Barker was fired, and declared himself King Shit of the prison.
In the cafeteria, Raymond asked Wayne to help him kill Rusty Trombonz in revenge for his stabbing. Wayne launched into a lecture about karma, explaining that Raymond deserved those 14 ½ wounds for snitching about the riot.
Ex-Warden Barker stopped by Rusty’s cell, despondent over his firing. Rusty began to offer him some advice, but when his speech segued into a song, Dexter immediately rushed in and stabbed him.
Hoss and Bruce were on the run in Midtown. Bruce told Hoss that he had to be inconspicuous and blend in by acting gay, but Hoss couldn’t figure out how to do that. Hoss decided that he wouldn’t feel gay if he pretended that Bruce was a woman. They took each other’s hand and began walking along.
Raymond was sitting in his cell when Arman Redder came by, complaining that Raymond hadn’t come through on his promise to provide a woman to bear Arman’s child. Raymond pointed out that he had indeed fulfilled his obligation by hooking Arman up with the substitute warden; it wasn’t his fault that she was burned to death in the riot. Arman warned Raymond that their business wasn’t over yet, then left as Ex-Warden Barker arrived. Raymond expressed his sympathy, reminiscing over all the good things Barker had done for the inmates…like Brownie Thursday, when Brownie troops would visit the prison to be “Scared Straight.” After Raymond made one too many suggestive comments about the Brownies, Superintendent Weaver stormed in and threw Raymond in the hole. After Weaver stormed out again, Barker went over to the hole and urged Raymond to find out Weaver’s dark secrets and deepest fear so that Barker could use it against him.
In the showers, Arman told Dewey that he’d heard about the dictionary-stabbing incident, and offered his protective services to Dewey. In return, he wanted Dewey to provide him with books about basketball…and to file a complaint against the warden.
Even the fearless Wayne Bo Casey was terrified when Superintendent Weaver visited his cell. Wayne screamed “You created me,” explaining that he’d been a normal, ordinary man until 15 years ago, when he was arrested for a traffic violation. It was Weaver’s brutality that turned Wayne into the psychotic white-faced maniac he was today.
WAYNE: “Now, I kill child stars for a living.”
WEAVER: “How do you make money off of that?”
Weaver retorted that Wayne should be grateful that Weaver transformed him from a nobody into a man known and feared by the entire world. Wayne snapped and knocked the mug from Weaver’s hand. Weaver shouted that that “coffee” mug was really filled with his favorite whiskey, then started strangling Wayne.
Hoss and Bruce arrived at Hoss’ house, then split up to prevent the murder. Bruce found the hitman and asked him to call off the hit. The hitman agreed, surprising Bruce by being so easy-going about it. Hoss found his wife and apologized for taking out a contract on her by mistake, reassuring her that he truly did still love her. As Hoss tearfully explained that he was on the run and hade to leave once again, Bruce gave the hitman a new assignment as Martha’s bodyguard. As they left, Hoss thanked Bruce for his help, but informed him that he still had to fulfill his duty as a guard and take Bruce back to jail.
Rusty was up on the roof, alone with his thoughts. Looking around to make sure Dewey was nowhere in sight, he began to sing about his feelings. Dewey immediately rushed in and attacked Rusty with a knife. Still trying to sing throughout the struggle, Rusty managed to get hold of the knife. Superintendent Weaver stomped in, shouting that nobody but him could kill anybody in his prison. Rusty threw the knife at Weaver, hitting him in the crotch (handle-first, luckily for Weaver). As Weaver doubled up, Dewey grabbed his cup and took a swig, only to discover that it was indeed real whiskey.
TO BE CONTINUED…
Friday, March 6, 2009
Season 11, Episode 2: The Riot Act
Episode 2: The Riot Act
Corrections Officer Hoss Hardacre had switched uniforms with inmate Dexter Dewey so that Dewey could take the SAT test for him, and was now offering some tips to Dewey on how to act like a guard. When Dewey attempted an intimidating shout, his teeth flew out of his mouth.
Bruce Brüce met Linda Strunck, the visiting substitute warden on loan from Sue Helmsly Women’s Penitentiary (where Bruce had once been an inmate due to a paperwork error). Bruce informed her that, while she may be the acting warden, he was the one who really ran the place.
In the exercise yard, psychotic clown Wayne Bo Casey lamented to Raymond Milk that he might have to cancel the annual riot, since nobody had answered his e-vites. Wayne was so stressed that his multi-colored hair was starting to fall out. Raymond calmed him down by offering him a bag of pre-packaged meatballs.
Linda Strunck was settling into the warden’s office when Dexter Dewey (impersonating Hoss) entered. After the introductions, “Hoss” told her that he was the one who ran the place. He warned her that the inmate “Dexter Dewey” was a troublemaker who should be transferred or electrocuted at the first opportunity.
Arman Redder stopped by Rusty Trombonz’ cell to recruit the elderly prisoner for his Aryan brotherhood, explaining that the group offered such activities as playing the recorder and rewriting the Bible. Rusty replied that he hadn’t served in the Great War so that the country could come to this, then explained in song how he lost his ass in combat. Arman broke into a song of his own explaining his desire to purify the country, or at least get a woman.
Bruce and Hoss Hardacre (disguised as Dewey) were in the laundry room discussing the special birthday present Bruce had arranged for Hoss’ wife: Death. Bruce reassured Hoss that everything had been arranged and that somebody on the outside was on their way to kill her that night. Shocked and horrified, Hoss explained that he’d been talking about “Death,” the new fragrance from Calvin Klein.
Wayne Bo Casey called a staff meeting/pep talk for all the prisoners, going over the plans for this year’s riot. They agreed that Wayne would signal the start of the riot by setting the new warden on fire.
Hoss pleaded with Dewey to switch places again so that Hoss could save his wife. However, now that he’d tasted power, Dewey wasn’t about to go back to being an inmate. When Hoss attempted to take back his uniform by force, Dewey beat him with his nightstick and sprayed his ass with mace.
Raymond Milk informed Substitute Warden Strunck that there was a riot being planned, and promised more information if she would do something in return for him. When she agreed, Raymond explained that he’d promised to get a woman for Arman Redder…so she needed to take one for the team.
Wayne laid out the plan for the riot…while entertaining everybody with his magic act, he would light his own fart, thus setting the warden on fire, and on that signal, everybody would get butt-naked. Bruce talked him out of it, explaining that he needed to escape and prevent Martha Hardacre’s murder, and a butt-naked riot might be too tempting for him to leave.
Still disguised as Hoss, Dexter Dewey took the SAT, acing it by correctly answering how many licks it takes to get to the Tootsie-Roll center of a Tootsie Pop. (No, it’s not three.)
Arman Redder was reading a letter from his girlfriend/kinfolk Tiffany when Linda Strunck entered his cell. As much as it disgusted her to do it, she told Arman that she was going to sleep with him for the good of the prison.
Hoss was sitting in the hole (where Dewey had thrown him) when Bruce arrived and informed him that they were going to escape during the riot. They’d need to take out the “guard” Dewey and take his keys. Hoss told Bruce he could handle that, since he’d been building up an immunity to mace for years.
Linda Strunck and Arman Redder were spooning in the afterglow, with Linda marveling at what she’d been missing all those years. Arman, on the other hand, was feeling rather nauseous.
Carried away with his role as a guard, Dewey/“Hoss” began harassing Bruce, beating him with his nightstick and spraying his ass with mace (which didn’t phase him in the least). Bruce went all gay-kung-fu on Dewey and easily overpowered him, telling him to remember which side he’s really on when the riot goes down.
Rusty Trombonz and Raymond Milk were carving weapons out of soap when the guilt-ridden Raymond confessed that he’d ratted out a fellow prisoner. Rusty told him that in the old days, they’d string a rat up by his toes and cover him in mayonnaise.
Arman was trying to wash the sex off in the shower, but Linda was still clinging to him. She informed him that, as the warden, she could arrange for his release…or she could keep him with her forever. Arman felt like a piece of meat.
Hoss was standing by the phone, waiting for his wife to call so that he could warn her. Hoss asked Wayne to help him escape during the riot…in exchange for which, Hoss would let Wayne ride the ponies out back of the prison.
Bruce told Rusty that he needed a favor for his escape. During the riot, he needed Rusty to create a distraction and get blood on the floor by stabbing somebody. Rusty could decide for himself who to stab and how severely.
The staff and inmates filed in for Wayne’s magic show. As Linda Strunck remarked how glad she was that those rumors of a riot were unfounded, Wayne lit his fart and set her on fire. In the ensuing riot, Rusty stabbed Raymond repeatedly, Arman threw himself onto Linda to save their baby, and Hoss stripped Dewey of his uniform before escaping with Bruce. Wayne declared it to be the “Best riot ever!”
TO BE CONTINUED…
Corrections Officer Hoss Hardacre had switched uniforms with inmate Dexter Dewey so that Dewey could take the SAT test for him, and was now offering some tips to Dewey on how to act like a guard. When Dewey attempted an intimidating shout, his teeth flew out of his mouth.
Bruce Brüce met Linda Strunck, the visiting substitute warden on loan from Sue Helmsly Women’s Penitentiary (where Bruce had once been an inmate due to a paperwork error). Bruce informed her that, while she may be the acting warden, he was the one who really ran the place.
In the exercise yard, psychotic clown Wayne Bo Casey lamented to Raymond Milk that he might have to cancel the annual riot, since nobody had answered his e-vites. Wayne was so stressed that his multi-colored hair was starting to fall out. Raymond calmed him down by offering him a bag of pre-packaged meatballs.
Linda Strunck was settling into the warden’s office when Dexter Dewey (impersonating Hoss) entered. After the introductions, “Hoss” told her that he was the one who ran the place. He warned her that the inmate “Dexter Dewey” was a troublemaker who should be transferred or electrocuted at the first opportunity.
Arman Redder stopped by Rusty Trombonz’ cell to recruit the elderly prisoner for his Aryan brotherhood, explaining that the group offered such activities as playing the recorder and rewriting the Bible. Rusty replied that he hadn’t served in the Great War so that the country could come to this, then explained in song how he lost his ass in combat. Arman broke into a song of his own explaining his desire to purify the country, or at least get a woman.
Bruce and Hoss Hardacre (disguised as Dewey) were in the laundry room discussing the special birthday present Bruce had arranged for Hoss’ wife: Death. Bruce reassured Hoss that everything had been arranged and that somebody on the outside was on their way to kill her that night. Shocked and horrified, Hoss explained that he’d been talking about “Death,” the new fragrance from Calvin Klein.
Wayne Bo Casey called a staff meeting/pep talk for all the prisoners, going over the plans for this year’s riot. They agreed that Wayne would signal the start of the riot by setting the new warden on fire.
Hoss pleaded with Dewey to switch places again so that Hoss could save his wife. However, now that he’d tasted power, Dewey wasn’t about to go back to being an inmate. When Hoss attempted to take back his uniform by force, Dewey beat him with his nightstick and sprayed his ass with mace.
Raymond Milk informed Substitute Warden Strunck that there was a riot being planned, and promised more information if she would do something in return for him. When she agreed, Raymond explained that he’d promised to get a woman for Arman Redder…so she needed to take one for the team.
Wayne laid out the plan for the riot…while entertaining everybody with his magic act, he would light his own fart, thus setting the warden on fire, and on that signal, everybody would get butt-naked. Bruce talked him out of it, explaining that he needed to escape and prevent Martha Hardacre’s murder, and a butt-naked riot might be too tempting for him to leave.
Still disguised as Hoss, Dexter Dewey took the SAT, acing it by correctly answering how many licks it takes to get to the Tootsie-Roll center of a Tootsie Pop. (No, it’s not three.)
Arman Redder was reading a letter from his girlfriend/kinfolk Tiffany when Linda Strunck entered his cell. As much as it disgusted her to do it, she told Arman that she was going to sleep with him for the good of the prison.
Hoss was sitting in the hole (where Dewey had thrown him) when Bruce arrived and informed him that they were going to escape during the riot. They’d need to take out the “guard” Dewey and take his keys. Hoss told Bruce he could handle that, since he’d been building up an immunity to mace for years.
Linda Strunck and Arman Redder were spooning in the afterglow, with Linda marveling at what she’d been missing all those years. Arman, on the other hand, was feeling rather nauseous.
Carried away with his role as a guard, Dewey/“Hoss” began harassing Bruce, beating him with his nightstick and spraying his ass with mace (which didn’t phase him in the least). Bruce went all gay-kung-fu on Dewey and easily overpowered him, telling him to remember which side he’s really on when the riot goes down.
Rusty Trombonz and Raymond Milk were carving weapons out of soap when the guilt-ridden Raymond confessed that he’d ratted out a fellow prisoner. Rusty told him that in the old days, they’d string a rat up by his toes and cover him in mayonnaise.
Arman was trying to wash the sex off in the shower, but Linda was still clinging to him. She informed him that, as the warden, she could arrange for his release…or she could keep him with her forever. Arman felt like a piece of meat.
Hoss was standing by the phone, waiting for his wife to call so that he could warn her. Hoss asked Wayne to help him escape during the riot…in exchange for which, Hoss would let Wayne ride the ponies out back of the prison.
Bruce told Rusty that he needed a favor for his escape. During the riot, he needed Rusty to create a distraction and get blood on the floor by stabbing somebody. Rusty could decide for himself who to stab and how severely.
The staff and inmates filed in for Wayne’s magic show. As Linda Strunck remarked how glad she was that those rumors of a riot were unfounded, Wayne lit his fart and set her on fire. In the ensuing riot, Rusty stabbed Raymond repeatedly, Arman threw himself onto Linda to save their baby, and Hoss stripped Dewey of his uniform before escaping with Bruce. Wayne declared it to be the “Best riot ever!”
TO BE CONTINUED…
Thursday, March 5, 2009
Season 11, Episode 1: Big House, Big Trouble
Yet another new season and new setting...this time around, SCANDAL! goes to jail.
Episode 1: Big House, Big Trouble
Warden Barker began a typical day at Little Five Points Penitentiary by making the morning announcements, concluding on a personal note by informing the prisoners that today was his 24th wedding anniversary to his lovely wife Candice.
In the prison kennels, Bruce Brüce was on dog duty, with Corrections Officer Hoss Hardacre overseeing. Taking Bruce aside, Hoss asked if Bruce could use his connections with the Rainbow Mafia to do him a favor. Hoss explained that his wife’s birthday was coming up, and he’d like to get her a special surprise gift…like maybe death.
Raymond Milk, the cellblock black marketeer, was sitting in his cell when Aryan supremacist Arman Redder came by to pick up some Crest WhiteStrips (to make himself even whiter). Arman marveled at Raymond’s luxuriously furnished cell, complete with NASA-designed Thermapedic mattress. When Arman asked where Raymond gets all his stuff, Raymond slapped him for being so nosy.
Prison librarian Dexter Dewey was getting a book for the ancient convict Rusty Trombonz, while Rusty reminisced about the old days before libraries. Searching for his library card, Rusty found a deck of playing cards instead, so he proceeded to teach Dexter the basics of poker (without much success).
The deranged clown Wayne Bo Casey was making a telephone call to his bookie when Warden Barker walked by; Casey immediately pretended to be talking to his mother. After Casey hung up, the warden informed him that his electrocution would be delayed due to a malfunction in the chair. Casey angrily complained that he needed those electric shocks to treat his tics. Barker admitted that he had other problems on his mind: They’d ranked dead last as the worst prison in the country. To improve their rating, everyone in the prison needs to bring up their SAT scores immediately.
Bruce Brüce repaired the electric chair with a MacGyver-like procedure using toilet paper, a turtle, and a tin of Altoids, while Raymond offered to dedicate the new chair by reading aloud from either the Bible or an issue of Hustler featuring Jenna Jameson. At the conclusion of the ceremony, they tested the chair, giving Raymond the shock of his life.
Rusty Trombonz was eagerly anticipating his upcoming release, after serving a 63-year sentence. Hoss Hardacre warned Rusty that his enemies would be gunning for him, but offered him protection…in return for a cut of the hidden fortune from Rusty’s great train robbery.
Wayne Bo Casey asked Warden Barker for some more soap, explaining that he’d eaten his ration to stop the aliens from homing in on its transmitting device. Barker pointed out that, if Casey had pled insanity at his trial, he could have been sent to a cushy mental facility instead. Offended by Barker’s implication that he’s crazy, Casey attacked. Hoss Hardacre rushed in and broke up the fight. When the Warden apologetically explained that it was his own fault for calling Wayne crazy, Hoss took them both into the hole.
Afterwards, Hoss consulted with Dexter Dewey regarding the prison’s terrible SAT scores. Hoss explained that he was terrible at standardized tests…but since the testers had never seen him, he could switch uniforms with Dewey and have Dewey take the test in his place.
Warden Barker (having been released from the hole) called Arman Redder into his office to discuss the SAT problem. Arman explained that he had no experience with the outside world, having lived in prison his whole life (sentenced for a crime his parents committed while he was in the womb). He also believed that math tests were a conspiracy controlled by the Italians, trying to put the country under the Pope’s control. However, he agreed to help out by bringing in a bunch of his genius buddies from Texas to take the tests.
After Bruce complained about the prison food, Raymond offered to bring in some Omaha Steaks…for $2,000. Raymond confided that he knew Bruce could afford that much for food, since he was secretly a leader of the Rainbow Mafia. In the course of their conversation, Raymond finally made one innuendo too many, and Bruce attacked him with a spoon.
In his cell, Wayne Bo Casey read a letter from a pen-pal, then launched into a monologue about his dreams of freedom.
Having switched uniforms with Hoss, Dewey got carried away with the role and started barking and bellowing at everyone in his path, then began beating “prisoner” Hoss with his nightstick. The warden passed by and complimented the “guard” on the good work.
To help boost the SAT scores, Rusty Trombonz was teaching the other inmates about the 32nd President, Woodrow Wilson (telling them that Wilson was only in office for thirty seconds). Bruce asked Rusty a history question about Rusty’s great train robbery, then realized that Rusty had hidden the gold in the grave of Woodrow Wilson.
Warden Barker checked in on Dewey’s cell, where Hoss was disguised in a convict’s uniform. When Barker greeted “Dewey,” Hoss asked the warden just how stupid he really was.
While Wayne and Arman were cleaning the Warden’s office, Wayne picked up the intercom and made a prank announcement promising the convicts a field trip to Six Flags. We heard the noise of countless prisoners rushing into the yard and being gunned down by guards.
Bruce asked Rusty if he could get a gun to somebody on the outside and take out Martha Hardacre. Rusty agreed, if Bruce didn’t tell anyone about his hidden dublooms. When Bruce corrected his pronunciation, Rusty explained that these weren’t doubloons, but the even rarer Portuguese gold dublooms.
Warden Barker lamented to Arman about the riot sparked by the false announcement, complaining that everything was going wrong…and what’s worse, the country-fried steak had been taken off the menu.
Hoss was sitting in Dewey’s cell when Wayne came by to say goodnight. Hoss confessed that, having been on the receiving end of a beating, he now felt conflicted about his use of force. As Wayne expressed his sympathy, Hoss asked a favor. He explained that his son’s 7th birthday was coming up soon, and asked Wayne to perform at the party (as long as he doesn’t kill anyone). Wayne was enraged at being called a clown, insisting that he was actually an undercover FBI agent. However, he agreed to swallow his pride as a favor to Hoss.
TO BE CONTINUED…
Episode 1: Big House, Big Trouble
Warden Barker began a typical day at Little Five Points Penitentiary by making the morning announcements, concluding on a personal note by informing the prisoners that today was his 24th wedding anniversary to his lovely wife Candice.
In the prison kennels, Bruce Brüce was on dog duty, with Corrections Officer Hoss Hardacre overseeing. Taking Bruce aside, Hoss asked if Bruce could use his connections with the Rainbow Mafia to do him a favor. Hoss explained that his wife’s birthday was coming up, and he’d like to get her a special surprise gift…like maybe death.
Raymond Milk, the cellblock black marketeer, was sitting in his cell when Aryan supremacist Arman Redder came by to pick up some Crest WhiteStrips (to make himself even whiter). Arman marveled at Raymond’s luxuriously furnished cell, complete with NASA-designed Thermapedic mattress. When Arman asked where Raymond gets all his stuff, Raymond slapped him for being so nosy.
Prison librarian Dexter Dewey was getting a book for the ancient convict Rusty Trombonz, while Rusty reminisced about the old days before libraries. Searching for his library card, Rusty found a deck of playing cards instead, so he proceeded to teach Dexter the basics of poker (without much success).
The deranged clown Wayne Bo Casey was making a telephone call to his bookie when Warden Barker walked by; Casey immediately pretended to be talking to his mother. After Casey hung up, the warden informed him that his electrocution would be delayed due to a malfunction in the chair. Casey angrily complained that he needed those electric shocks to treat his tics. Barker admitted that he had other problems on his mind: They’d ranked dead last as the worst prison in the country. To improve their rating, everyone in the prison needs to bring up their SAT scores immediately.
Bruce Brüce repaired the electric chair with a MacGyver-like procedure using toilet paper, a turtle, and a tin of Altoids, while Raymond offered to dedicate the new chair by reading aloud from either the Bible or an issue of Hustler featuring Jenna Jameson. At the conclusion of the ceremony, they tested the chair, giving Raymond the shock of his life.
Rusty Trombonz was eagerly anticipating his upcoming release, after serving a 63-year sentence. Hoss Hardacre warned Rusty that his enemies would be gunning for him, but offered him protection…in return for a cut of the hidden fortune from Rusty’s great train robbery.
Wayne Bo Casey asked Warden Barker for some more soap, explaining that he’d eaten his ration to stop the aliens from homing in on its transmitting device. Barker pointed out that, if Casey had pled insanity at his trial, he could have been sent to a cushy mental facility instead. Offended by Barker’s implication that he’s crazy, Casey attacked. Hoss Hardacre rushed in and broke up the fight. When the Warden apologetically explained that it was his own fault for calling Wayne crazy, Hoss took them both into the hole.
Afterwards, Hoss consulted with Dexter Dewey regarding the prison’s terrible SAT scores. Hoss explained that he was terrible at standardized tests…but since the testers had never seen him, he could switch uniforms with Dewey and have Dewey take the test in his place.
Warden Barker (having been released from the hole) called Arman Redder into his office to discuss the SAT problem. Arman explained that he had no experience with the outside world, having lived in prison his whole life (sentenced for a crime his parents committed while he was in the womb). He also believed that math tests were a conspiracy controlled by the Italians, trying to put the country under the Pope’s control. However, he agreed to help out by bringing in a bunch of his genius buddies from Texas to take the tests.
After Bruce complained about the prison food, Raymond offered to bring in some Omaha Steaks…for $2,000. Raymond confided that he knew Bruce could afford that much for food, since he was secretly a leader of the Rainbow Mafia. In the course of their conversation, Raymond finally made one innuendo too many, and Bruce attacked him with a spoon.
In his cell, Wayne Bo Casey read a letter from a pen-pal, then launched into a monologue about his dreams of freedom.
Having switched uniforms with Hoss, Dewey got carried away with the role and started barking and bellowing at everyone in his path, then began beating “prisoner” Hoss with his nightstick. The warden passed by and complimented the “guard” on the good work.
To help boost the SAT scores, Rusty Trombonz was teaching the other inmates about the 32nd President, Woodrow Wilson (telling them that Wilson was only in office for thirty seconds). Bruce asked Rusty a history question about Rusty’s great train robbery, then realized that Rusty had hidden the gold in the grave of Woodrow Wilson.
Warden Barker checked in on Dewey’s cell, where Hoss was disguised in a convict’s uniform. When Barker greeted “Dewey,” Hoss asked the warden just how stupid he really was.
While Wayne and Arman were cleaning the Warden’s office, Wayne picked up the intercom and made a prank announcement promising the convicts a field trip to Six Flags. We heard the noise of countless prisoners rushing into the yard and being gunned down by guards.
Bruce asked Rusty if he could get a gun to somebody on the outside and take out Martha Hardacre. Rusty agreed, if Bruce didn’t tell anyone about his hidden dublooms. When Bruce corrected his pronunciation, Rusty explained that these weren’t doubloons, but the even rarer Portuguese gold dublooms.
Warden Barker lamented to Arman about the riot sparked by the false announcement, complaining that everything was going wrong…and what’s worse, the country-fried steak had been taken off the menu.
Hoss was sitting in Dewey’s cell when Wayne came by to say goodnight. Hoss confessed that, having been on the receiving end of a beating, he now felt conflicted about his use of force. As Wayne expressed his sympathy, Hoss asked a favor. He explained that his son’s 7th birthday was coming up soon, and asked Wayne to perform at the party (as long as he doesn’t kill anyone). Wayne was enraged at being called a clown, insisting that he was actually an undercover FBI agent. However, he agreed to swallow his pride as a favor to Hoss.
TO BE CONTINUED…
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