Episode 2: Officially the Worst Day
Lewis von Kemia met Joe Luderman in the hall and asked Joe if he could have his old locker (which had been reassigned to Joe) back. Joe opened the locker and discovered that everything in it had been cleared out. They were both appalled by this invasion of privacy, and suspected that custodian Mr. Cook was to blame.
Sterling Schremerhorn complained to Mr. Huggins about his failing her last art project, a Polaroid collage of other students naked in the girls’ locker room.
Assistant Coach Damon was in Ms. Munsen-Meyer’s office, pleading his case for a promotion to Coach. As he talked, his natural pheromones started to affect her, and she struggled to resist temptation.
Gwendolyn Pinchot and Miller were spending study hall in Miller’s van, sharing some “weedshroom” brownies. After some small talk, they had sex (or at least attempted to).
Mr. Huggins and Assistant Coach Damon were eating in the cafeteria and discussing their respective jobs. Damon pointed out the similarities between athletics and the arts, comparing dodgeball to a ballet. Huggins struggled to contain himself during Damon’s double-entendre-filled discourse about balls.
Ms. Munsen-Meyer brought the students together for a special lecture, in which she revealed that one of the students was pregnant, though she wasn’t naming names. Joe Luderman asked to be excused, since he knew it wasn’t him.
Lewis von Kemia ran into Gwen in the hallway. They both found each other’s new appearance to be incredibly hot. As they tried to have a heartfelt conversation, the Fighting Panhandler wandered by and started begging for change. Gwen slugged the Panhandler, and the Panhandler retaliated by snatching Lewis’ walker. Lewis tried to make the Panhandler face up to whatever inner turmoil made him lash out.
LEWIS: “You don’t have to fight. You don’t have to be rich. You just have to BE. Now fuck off, I’m talking to Gwendolyn!”
Joe was at his first day on the job at the Crash Pad when Miller came in with a case of the munchies. Unfortunately, since Gwen hadn’t told him where anything was, all Joe could offer was salt and pepper. Joe suggested that Miller could make the place better by coming on board as a cook, but Miller couldn’t figure out how to cook without food. Nevertheless, Miller took the job.
Gwen came to Ms. Munsen-Meyer’s office to start work as her assistant/filer. Munsen-Meyer sat Gwen down and started to talk about Gwen’s appearance. Gwen was furious that Munsen-Meyer was judging her look, but Munsen-Meyer explained that she was only pointing out how much they had in common. Munsen-Meyer explained that, twenty years ago, she was just like Gwen (coming to school in a “Welcome Back Kotter” T-shirt). Gwen didn’t want to be like Munsen-Meyer in twenty years. Suddenly, Lewis von Kemia entered, asking for his old filer position back. Lewis took Gwen into the privacy of his walker, and they each offered to step aside and let the other have the job.
Joe Luderman was by the lockers, looking for evidence of drugs. Suddenly, overachiever student Owen Tasker arrived, wearing only a scarf and black bikini briefs. (Sterling rushed in and snapped a picture of Owen for her art project.) Owen explained that he was forming a skin-diving club, on top of being the head of the chess club, football team, word-game club, and Cancer Society. Owen confessed that all his activities were conflicting with each other, and asked Joe to fill in for him at football practice.
Mr. Huggins was straightening up after art class when Miller arrived and asked if he could make up for his “F.” Huggins gave him a pop quiz, and was astounded by how knowledgeable Miller really was. (“You have the equivalent of a master’s degree in your head!”) Huggins asked Miller if he would create a sculpture for the front of the school.
At the Crash Pad, Sterling Schremerhorn was gossiping with Owen Tasker about Gwen’s sister being a carny. Gwen revealed that she’d been behind the counter the whole time, and had heard everything. Gwen said that she’d thought Sterling was her friend, when she was really just an asshole. Owen proposed that they start an Asshole Club.
Assistant Coach Damon was talking to Lewis von Kemia, expressing his admiration for Lewis’ courage. Lewis used his walker to block Damon’s dodgeball, so Damon offered him a position as goalie. Suddenly, Lewis remembered that he needed a kidney transplant within the next 5 hours, so they set out to look for somebody with an extra kidney. Just then, Joe stopped by and asked if they’d seen his “3-kidney pills.”
Sterling Schremerhorn was taking a driver’s ed lesson, taught by the Fighting Panhandler. As they shared some Boone’s Farm and continued the driving lesson, Sterling suddenly ran over Lewis von Kemia.
Mr. Huggins was watching “Spartacus” at home when Ms. Munsen-Meyer paid him a surprise visit to make an important confession.
MUNSEN-MEYER: “I’ve put something of somebody else’s inside my special place.”
HUGGINS: “Okay, you could be talking about your filing cabinet, but I don’t think so.”
At the Crash Pad, Gwendolyn told Joe that he shouldn’t have hired Miller, since things were very awkward between them. In turn, Joe replied that she should have shown him the ropes before leaving him alone on the job. Gwen complained that this was officially the worst day of her life, when Miller, Sterling, and the Panhandler walked in…making it even worse.
NEXT WEEK: Assistant Coach Damon vows to repair Lewis’ broken body.