Episode 20: The Age of Aquilius
At the Slop Bucket, Eileve had an important revelation for King Plough. Eileve explained that, after he and Chambliss Tucker magically swapped genitals, Eileve became pregnant. What’s more, when Chambliss died, their parts switched back…so now, Eileve would have to deliver his baby through his penis. However, Eileve saw a solution. Using his magical powers, he could take the new life inside him and transfer it to someone unliving…in other words, they could change Baron Üterrüs from an undead lich into a living man, and then kill him. King Plough didn’t like the idea of sacrificing Eileve’s unborn child, even to defeat Üterrüs.
Francis of the Rock People was out in the forest when Friar Kack arrived with terrible news: the people of Kack Island had been wiped out by Baron Üterrüs. Kack pleaded with Francis to protect him…and also to set him up with a woman so that the Kack race could continue.
At Linens Und Thïngs, Baron Üterrüs was slashing prices for his End of Civilization Sale. He gloated about slaughtering the Kacks and stealing the mystical eye of the Dragon God, Püff DeMagik. The peasant Nort entered, and Üterrüs recognized him. Many years past, the Baron explained, he was passing through a village when he encountered a child with great powers of insight. Üterrüs then killed the child’s parents so that the tragedy would make his power even stronger. Using his powers, the vengeful Nort learned the only thing that could destroy the Baron was the legendary Book of Black Souls…the Negronomicon. Üterrüs laughed that no mortal could retrieve the book.
Searching through a cornfield, Eileve encountered the talking Magic Mirror. Eileve explained his dilemma, having to choose between his child’s life and saving the entire kingdom. The Mirror informed him that “The answer is within yourself.”
Francis encountered Tarquin the Gangly, who had degenerated into a rotting zombie after being stabbed by King Plough. Tarquin was puzzled by Francis’ horrified reaction, so Francis showed him a shiny shield so he could see his reflection. Aghast, Tarquin sought advice by contacting the spirit of his father, Magic Jones, but only got a spiritual answering machine.
King Plough was taking inventory of the castle’s weapons rack when he was visited by Aquilius, the barely-clad King of the Sea. Aquilius explained that his daughter Guinevere had come to the surface to retrieve the Dual Sword of Destiny, but when she failed to return, he left the sea to search for her. He found his daughter dead, and no sign of the sword. Plough and Aquilius agreed to join forces and find the sword. Aquilius vowed to destroy the sword with the very hammer he used to forge it. Hearing of Aquilius’ prowess as a smith, Plough asked him to forge a mechanical arm to replace his missing limb.
Walking down the street, Baron Üterrüs met the last remaining Friar Kack and casually killed him.
Nort and Tarquin ran into each other in the cornfield while searching for the Magic Mirror. Nort explained that he needed to go to the 10th level of Hades in order to find the Negronomicon. The Mirror told him that Hades was right in front of his face. Nort and Tarquin looked down and saw the Golden Road to Hell. They joined hands and sang a merry song as they followed the Golden Road. When they arrived at the 10th level, they were greeted by the spirit of Friar Kack, who had been placed in charge of the Negronomicon. Kack offered them a choice of three books: A large bound volume, a clipped-together stack of papers, or a 3x5 index card. If they chose the wrong book, their souls were lost forever. Tarquin contacted the spirit of Magic Jones, who told him “Bigger is better.” They chose the big book, which was indeed the Negronomicon. Friar Kack stamped the enchanted book and told them to bring it back by the 12th.
Eileve was mopping up in the Slop Bucket when Francis came in. Francis told Eileve how much he was looking forward to the birth of their child, but Eileve explained that he was going to sacrifice it to save the kingdom. Francis was stunned. Eileve assured him that the baby would want what was best for everybody…which meant kicking Baron Üterrüs’ ass.
King Plough brought the Magic Mirror to the castle and hung it on the wall. Plough asked if he had what it took to reclaim his throne…and if there were a spell to make his penis bigger.
Aquilius was hammering away at his anvil when Baron Üterrüs entered. Aquilius pointed out that his great-grandfather Kriembak had defeated Üterrüs once before, but the Baron retorted that he returned, slew Kriembak, then made a pun of his name by creaming on his back. The Baron boasted that “in the real world, the bad guys usually win.”
Eileve paid a visit to Tarquin’s treehouse and explained his situation. Learning that Eileve had inherited some of Magic Jones’ essence and powers, Tarquin asked if Eileve could de-zombify him. Eileve noticed that Tarquin had been gnawing on a human arm…which he recognized as King Plough’s missing limb.
Nort went to Linens Und Thïngs carrying the Negronomicon. Baron Üterrüs pointed out that, since the book was the one thing that could destroy him, bringing it to his headquarters was a very foolish decision indeed.
NORT: “I’m not an educated man…and I’m drunk.”
Nort lamented that he had screwed up once again. The Baron offered him a chance to prove himself on the side of evil. Üterrüs was so confident that Nort would join him that he left the book in Nort’s possession while he considered the offer.
Francis stopped by the workshop and admired Aquilius’ handiwork. Aquilius demonstrated the artificial arm he had created by attaching it to Francis. Francis was thrilled by the experience of having an opposable thumb instead of just a stone fist. Francis asked to keep the arm, but Aquilius replied that it was intended for King Plough. Suddenly, Francis noticed that Aquilius had made a right arm, whereas Plough was missing his left.
King Plough was drinking and reminiscing with the Magic Mirror when Eileve rushed in carrying Plough’s severed arm. Before Eileve could explain, his water broke. Plough rushed to his grandson’s side, but he couldn’t do anything with just one arm. Despite the agonizing labor pains, Eileve managed to cast the spell to restore Plough’s arm. Whole once again, King Plough prepared to deliver the baby.
TO BE CONTINUED…
Showing posts with label friar kack. Show all posts
Showing posts with label friar kack. Show all posts
Wednesday, January 14, 2009
Sunday, January 4, 2009
Season 6, Episode 10: Skip and a Jump Away
Episode 10: Skip and a Jump Away
Kalgon was cutting down trees to make pamphlets to spread the word of the revolution, when Tarquin the Gangly arrived, ordering him to stop (since Tarquin thought the whole point of the revolution was to stop the King from destroying the forest in the first place). Tarquin saved a tree by blocking Kalgon’s axe with the Bloodsword of Thogroth.
Chambliss Tucker sat in the castle, preparing to sing about her tortured heart.
Magic Jones and Francis of the Rock People were relaxing in the pub. Jones explained that he was too busy with work to join the revolution. Francis proposed a united force of workers where everybody could work equally hard, or equally not hard. Jones was intrigued by this “union” idea.
Chambliss finally sang her song, which consisted of the single word “Gone.” Hearing that one note, her husband Skip climbed up the trellis to visit her. Skip told her how upset he was that she’d been sleeping around and that she had forgotten how he had always provided for her. She retorted with a rant about how boring her suburban life had been.
The demon Prick found an assortment of magic potions in the back room of Linens Und Thïngs, and decided to have some fun by rearranging them. Suddenly, Kalgon rushed in. Kalgon revealed that he couldn’t join the revolution because he had to take care of Chambliss’ baby. Prick asked Kalgon to consider which was more important: individual freedom or responsibility to others. By the end of the discussion, they were both incredibly confused.
Magic Jones went to Chambliss, concerned by the absence of both King Plough and Baron Üterrüs. However, Chambliss was more concerned by her pregnancy, rumors of which had spread through Kalgon’s tabloids. Chambliss asked Jones to perform a mystical scan of her belly to determine just who fathered her baby. Jones cast the spell, then replied that she should have said “babIES.”
Francis was outside the pub when Friar Kack walked by. Francis greeted his “old friend” warmly, but Kack revealed that he was not the same Kack that Francis knew. Kack explained that all the Friars of Kack Island have the same name and look identical (all being spawned from the Kack Sack). He had come to investigate the disappearance of the other Friar Kack, who had not come home for Kackgiving.
After his argument with Chambliss, Skip Tucker was imprisoned in stocks in the dungeon. He reflected on how he had taken Chambliss for granted, and sang a song about his insensitivity.
Tarquin stood guard by a tree, pondering whether to mark it as being protected in the name of the king or of the revolution. He decided to compromise by marking it “Reserved for ham sandwich.” Suddenly, the tree fell over due to Tarquin using the Bloodsword to write the message. Tarquin realized that the sword killed everything it touched (apart from himself, King Plough, Üterrüs, and maybe a few more exceptions). Kalgon arrived, and they discovered a rock with an inscription revealing how to cure Tarquin’s curse. (“In order to remove the bloodlust, you must find the one for whom you did lust, and take out that which was inside.”) Realizing that Tarquin would have to cut the baby from Chambliss’ womb, Kalgon swore to stop him.
Francis and Kack sat by the campfire, planning a dinner meeting for all the revolutionaries. Hearing word of a dinner meeting, the demon Prick arrived in search of Bundt cake. Seeing Friar Kack, Prick was pained by the sight of Kack’s religious symbol.
Magic Jones was barbecuing his specialty dish of cowduckephant (a duck stuffed inside a cow stuffed inside an elephant) when he heard Skip Tucker weeping in the corridor. Jones invited Skip in, and they started talking about Skip’s own era. Skip didn’t like life in his own time, but Jones warned him that he was needed there…plus, he was in grave danger as long as he remained there. Jones opened an interdimensional portal. Reluctantly, Skip agreed to go home, and Jones gave him a portion of cowduckephant for the journey.
SKIP: “Tell Chambliss I don’t care how many hyenas or whatever she sleeps with, I’ll still love her.”
With that, Skip jumped through the portal.
Chambliss was at the pub, disguised as a peasant wench to hide from the tabloids. As Magic Jones welcomed her, Kalgon arrived and started discussing Skip’s departure. Not recognizing Chambliss, Kalgon expressed great relief that Skip was gone, then started insulting him mercilessly. Jones and Kalgon went out for a ham sandwich, leaving Chambliss alone. Tarquin entered, and Chambliss revealed her identity. Tarquin told her what he had learned about his curse. She suggested that, if he waited eight months, he could perform a C-section, thus fulfilling the terms of the enchantment without actually harming her or the babies. Chambliss picked up the Bloodsword and admired it. As soon as Tarquin warned her about its curse, she collapsed.
Friar Kack went to Linens Und Thïngs to pick up some supplies for the revolution. Finding nobody there, Kack took what he needed. Kack’s deity voiced his disapproval with a thunderstorm.
Prick informed Francis that his greatest dream was…to sing. Prick sang a beautiful, happy song about his life in Hell. Prick wanted no part of fighting or violence, so he walked away from the revolution. As Prick left, the guilt-ridden Friar Kack arrived. His god relieved his conscience by sending down a receipt for what he had taken. Kalgon then arrived, having decided to join the revolution after all. As they gave thanks for their blessings, Tarquin came by and was stunned to see another Friar Kack. They fought.
At the castle, Magic Jones was preparing cowduckephant soup when he sensed the death of Friar Kack. Chambliss Tucker crawled in, explaining that she might be dying from having touched the Bloodsword. Jones urged her to try the healing power of the soup.
Prick was floating merrily through the forest when he encountered a group of Rainbow People. They exchanged greetings of peace and love, and one of the Rainbow People placed an illicit substance on Prick’s tongue.
TO BE CONTINUED…
Kalgon was cutting down trees to make pamphlets to spread the word of the revolution, when Tarquin the Gangly arrived, ordering him to stop (since Tarquin thought the whole point of the revolution was to stop the King from destroying the forest in the first place). Tarquin saved a tree by blocking Kalgon’s axe with the Bloodsword of Thogroth.
Chambliss Tucker sat in the castle, preparing to sing about her tortured heart.
Magic Jones and Francis of the Rock People were relaxing in the pub. Jones explained that he was too busy with work to join the revolution. Francis proposed a united force of workers where everybody could work equally hard, or equally not hard. Jones was intrigued by this “union” idea.
Chambliss finally sang her song, which consisted of the single word “Gone.” Hearing that one note, her husband Skip climbed up the trellis to visit her. Skip told her how upset he was that she’d been sleeping around and that she had forgotten how he had always provided for her. She retorted with a rant about how boring her suburban life had been.
The demon Prick found an assortment of magic potions in the back room of Linens Und Thïngs, and decided to have some fun by rearranging them. Suddenly, Kalgon rushed in. Kalgon revealed that he couldn’t join the revolution because he had to take care of Chambliss’ baby. Prick asked Kalgon to consider which was more important: individual freedom or responsibility to others. By the end of the discussion, they were both incredibly confused.
Magic Jones went to Chambliss, concerned by the absence of both King Plough and Baron Üterrüs. However, Chambliss was more concerned by her pregnancy, rumors of which had spread through Kalgon’s tabloids. Chambliss asked Jones to perform a mystical scan of her belly to determine just who fathered her baby. Jones cast the spell, then replied that she should have said “babIES.”
Francis was outside the pub when Friar Kack walked by. Francis greeted his “old friend” warmly, but Kack revealed that he was not the same Kack that Francis knew. Kack explained that all the Friars of Kack Island have the same name and look identical (all being spawned from the Kack Sack). He had come to investigate the disappearance of the other Friar Kack, who had not come home for Kackgiving.
After his argument with Chambliss, Skip Tucker was imprisoned in stocks in the dungeon. He reflected on how he had taken Chambliss for granted, and sang a song about his insensitivity.
Tarquin stood guard by a tree, pondering whether to mark it as being protected in the name of the king or of the revolution. He decided to compromise by marking it “Reserved for ham sandwich.” Suddenly, the tree fell over due to Tarquin using the Bloodsword to write the message. Tarquin realized that the sword killed everything it touched (apart from himself, King Plough, Üterrüs, and maybe a few more exceptions). Kalgon arrived, and they discovered a rock with an inscription revealing how to cure Tarquin’s curse. (“In order to remove the bloodlust, you must find the one for whom you did lust, and take out that which was inside.”) Realizing that Tarquin would have to cut the baby from Chambliss’ womb, Kalgon swore to stop him.
Francis and Kack sat by the campfire, planning a dinner meeting for all the revolutionaries. Hearing word of a dinner meeting, the demon Prick arrived in search of Bundt cake. Seeing Friar Kack, Prick was pained by the sight of Kack’s religious symbol.
Magic Jones was barbecuing his specialty dish of cowduckephant (a duck stuffed inside a cow stuffed inside an elephant) when he heard Skip Tucker weeping in the corridor. Jones invited Skip in, and they started talking about Skip’s own era. Skip didn’t like life in his own time, but Jones warned him that he was needed there…plus, he was in grave danger as long as he remained there. Jones opened an interdimensional portal. Reluctantly, Skip agreed to go home, and Jones gave him a portion of cowduckephant for the journey.
SKIP: “Tell Chambliss I don’t care how many hyenas or whatever she sleeps with, I’ll still love her.”
With that, Skip jumped through the portal.
Chambliss was at the pub, disguised as a peasant wench to hide from the tabloids. As Magic Jones welcomed her, Kalgon arrived and started discussing Skip’s departure. Not recognizing Chambliss, Kalgon expressed great relief that Skip was gone, then started insulting him mercilessly. Jones and Kalgon went out for a ham sandwich, leaving Chambliss alone. Tarquin entered, and Chambliss revealed her identity. Tarquin told her what he had learned about his curse. She suggested that, if he waited eight months, he could perform a C-section, thus fulfilling the terms of the enchantment without actually harming her or the babies. Chambliss picked up the Bloodsword and admired it. As soon as Tarquin warned her about its curse, she collapsed.
Friar Kack went to Linens Und Thïngs to pick up some supplies for the revolution. Finding nobody there, Kack took what he needed. Kack’s deity voiced his disapproval with a thunderstorm.
Prick informed Francis that his greatest dream was…to sing. Prick sang a beautiful, happy song about his life in Hell. Prick wanted no part of fighting or violence, so he walked away from the revolution. As Prick left, the guilt-ridden Friar Kack arrived. His god relieved his conscience by sending down a receipt for what he had taken. Kalgon then arrived, having decided to join the revolution after all. As they gave thanks for their blessings, Tarquin came by and was stunned to see another Friar Kack. They fought.
At the castle, Magic Jones was preparing cowduckephant soup when he sensed the death of Friar Kack. Chambliss Tucker crawled in, explaining that she might be dying from having touched the Bloodsword. Jones urged her to try the healing power of the soup.
Prick was floating merrily through the forest when he encountered a group of Rainbow People. They exchanged greetings of peace and love, and one of the Rainbow People placed an illicit substance on Prick’s tongue.
TO BE CONTINUED…
Thursday, January 1, 2009
Season 6, Episode 7: Something Pricky This Way Comes
Episode 7: Something Pricky This Way Comes
Mortally injured by a blow to the head, King Plough lay dying on the battlefield when Francis of the Rock People brought him the enchanted alabaster sword. As the sword was placed in Plough’s hand, its magicks instantly brought him back from the brink of death. However, as soon as he opened his mouth, it became apparent that the sword had not healed the damage to his brain.
Magic Jones held a ceremony to reward Tarquin the Gangly for his bravery in combat, although the actual award (whatever form it may take) was not ready yet. Tarquin confessed that he was now constantly filled with rage and bloodlust, and Jones prescribed some new medicine for him to smoke. Tarquin’s condition was only partially remedied…he still felt an unquenchable urge to kill, but at least he wasn’t angry about it anymore.
At Linens Und Thïngs, Baron Üterrüs informed Chambliss Tucker that he was thinking of diversifying his business interests, and was going to open a pub (or, as he pronounced it, a püb) called “The Poisoned Patron.” Chambliss agreed to run the püb on the condition that Üterrüs learn to pronounce it correctly.
Left alone in the aftermath of the battle, Francis was reflecting on his solitude when he remembered the mystic phrase “Get on down here now!” Friar Kack immediately arrived in answer to the summons. Francis informed Kack that the king’s condition had left them without a leader. Friar Kack revealed that he had gazed into the future using the Kack Ring, and had foreseen that Francis would become a great leader. He had also seen that a new menace would soon come to the kingdom…something even worse than the orcs.
Magic Jones and Prince Kalgon were discussing what to do about King Plough’s sudden retardation. Jones wanted to re-educate the king and restore him to his former self. However, Kalgon wondered whether it was worth keeping an incompetent monarch in power, when it would be so much easier for an “unfortunate accident” to free up the throne for a more capable leader. Jones warned Kalgon that “Those that get too greedy might find themselves on the short end of the greedy stick.”
Baron Üterrüs was up on Skank Mountain, preparing a pentagram to summon a demon.
ÜTERRÜS: “While I am conquering the world fiscally, my demon will be conquering the world physically! Ah, wordplay!”
While Üterrüs was rummaging for the spell’s final ingredient, King Plough wandered through unnoticed, disrupting the pentagram. After Plough wandered off again, Üterrüs returned to his spell, unaware of the damage Plough had done. The Baron summoned forth the greatest, most powerful demon in hell…and was answered by the sudden appearance of a small, floating red imp. This was not quite as impressive as Üterrüs had expected. The creature introduced itself as the demon Prick. The Baron asked Prick to go forth and confirm the reports that the king was ill. Misunderstanding, the demon set out to find out whether the king was an eel.
Francis and Friar Kack journeyed to Castle Post to nominate Francis as the interim King while Plough is incapacitated. Friar Kack informed Francis that he had consulted with his fellow friars, and that they had decreed that the quest for vengeance on the slayer of the dragon Schmegma took precedence over their obedience to Francis. So, although they would still obey Francis, they still had to kill somebody. Since Francis didn’t realize they were talking about Chambliss, he accepted that. King Plough wandered by, followed by Magic Jones. Francis demanded the throne from Jones, warning him that he would take it by force if necessary.
Kalgon snuck into the new pub, where Chambliss greeted him as her first customer offered him a drink of red stuff (“This might be the blood of something!”). Kalgon explained that Plough was unable to rule, but that nobody could succeed him as long as he still lived. Kalgon claimed that his previous reluctance to accept the crown was only an act, that he was secretly eager to become king. Chambliss was upset by this news, since Plough had promised her that she could be his queen. As they argued, King Plough wandered in unnoticed and drank the red stuff.
Tarquin and his ox Thacko were hunting tree-rats inside Chambliss’ Lincoln Navigator, when Tarquin was suddenly alerted by a strange noise coming from an odd instrument. Picking up Chambliss’ cell phone, Tarquin was puzzled by the mysterious voices coming from it…the voices of Chambliss’ husband and children. Not knowing what to make of the strange device, Tarquin decided to take it back to Chambliss.
Baron Üterrüs visited Magic Jones and mocked Jones’ fading powers. Üterrüs recalled how Jones had been his teacher many centuries ago, and they had a flashback to Üterrüs’ childhood. When the young Üterrüs asked to learn about evil wizards and dark magicks, Jones reluctantly agreed that it could be useful to learn evil magic in order to guard against it. Back in the present, Üterrüs pointed out that Jones was thus responsible for sending him down the path of evil.
Francis and Kalgon confronted each other about their ambitions to become the new king. Kalgon argued that the throne was his by right of blood, while Francis insisted that it was his by decree of the monks of Kack Island. The argument went on and on, with neither one budging an inch.
The demon Prick encountered the mentally challenged King Plough wandering through the woods. Prick asked if Plough was the king, but Plough couldn’t remember. Plough showed Prick the dead cat he had found at the side of the road, and Prick suggested that they play a game of “Eat the Cat.” (Prick won.) Prick was impressed that Plough showed no fear of him, and asked Plough to be his friend. Since Prick had just eaten Plough’s only other friend, Plough agreed.
Chambliss was tending bar when Friar Kack came in, explaining that he was looking for the slayer of Schmegma the dragon. Chambliss tried to convince him that Schmegma had died of natural causes, but eventually admitted that she had killed it. As Kack prepared to take his vengeance, Tarquin rushed in to give Chambliss her cell phone. Seeing Chambliss in danger, Tarquin knocked Kack out, then chained him to the wall until they could decide what to do with him.
TO BE CONTINUED…
Mortally injured by a blow to the head, King Plough lay dying on the battlefield when Francis of the Rock People brought him the enchanted alabaster sword. As the sword was placed in Plough’s hand, its magicks instantly brought him back from the brink of death. However, as soon as he opened his mouth, it became apparent that the sword had not healed the damage to his brain.
Magic Jones held a ceremony to reward Tarquin the Gangly for his bravery in combat, although the actual award (whatever form it may take) was not ready yet. Tarquin confessed that he was now constantly filled with rage and bloodlust, and Jones prescribed some new medicine for him to smoke. Tarquin’s condition was only partially remedied…he still felt an unquenchable urge to kill, but at least he wasn’t angry about it anymore.
At Linens Und Thïngs, Baron Üterrüs informed Chambliss Tucker that he was thinking of diversifying his business interests, and was going to open a pub (or, as he pronounced it, a püb) called “The Poisoned Patron.” Chambliss agreed to run the püb on the condition that Üterrüs learn to pronounce it correctly.
Left alone in the aftermath of the battle, Francis was reflecting on his solitude when he remembered the mystic phrase “Get on down here now!” Friar Kack immediately arrived in answer to the summons. Francis informed Kack that the king’s condition had left them without a leader. Friar Kack revealed that he had gazed into the future using the Kack Ring, and had foreseen that Francis would become a great leader. He had also seen that a new menace would soon come to the kingdom…something even worse than the orcs.
Magic Jones and Prince Kalgon were discussing what to do about King Plough’s sudden retardation. Jones wanted to re-educate the king and restore him to his former self. However, Kalgon wondered whether it was worth keeping an incompetent monarch in power, when it would be so much easier for an “unfortunate accident” to free up the throne for a more capable leader. Jones warned Kalgon that “Those that get too greedy might find themselves on the short end of the greedy stick.”
Baron Üterrüs was up on Skank Mountain, preparing a pentagram to summon a demon.
ÜTERRÜS: “While I am conquering the world fiscally, my demon will be conquering the world physically! Ah, wordplay!”
While Üterrüs was rummaging for the spell’s final ingredient, King Plough wandered through unnoticed, disrupting the pentagram. After Plough wandered off again, Üterrüs returned to his spell, unaware of the damage Plough had done. The Baron summoned forth the greatest, most powerful demon in hell…and was answered by the sudden appearance of a small, floating red imp. This was not quite as impressive as Üterrüs had expected. The creature introduced itself as the demon Prick. The Baron asked Prick to go forth and confirm the reports that the king was ill. Misunderstanding, the demon set out to find out whether the king was an eel.
Francis and Friar Kack journeyed to Castle Post to nominate Francis as the interim King while Plough is incapacitated. Friar Kack informed Francis that he had consulted with his fellow friars, and that they had decreed that the quest for vengeance on the slayer of the dragon Schmegma took precedence over their obedience to Francis. So, although they would still obey Francis, they still had to kill somebody. Since Francis didn’t realize they were talking about Chambliss, he accepted that. King Plough wandered by, followed by Magic Jones. Francis demanded the throne from Jones, warning him that he would take it by force if necessary.
Kalgon snuck into the new pub, where Chambliss greeted him as her first customer offered him a drink of red stuff (“This might be the blood of something!”). Kalgon explained that Plough was unable to rule, but that nobody could succeed him as long as he still lived. Kalgon claimed that his previous reluctance to accept the crown was only an act, that he was secretly eager to become king. Chambliss was upset by this news, since Plough had promised her that she could be his queen. As they argued, King Plough wandered in unnoticed and drank the red stuff.
Tarquin and his ox Thacko were hunting tree-rats inside Chambliss’ Lincoln Navigator, when Tarquin was suddenly alerted by a strange noise coming from an odd instrument. Picking up Chambliss’ cell phone, Tarquin was puzzled by the mysterious voices coming from it…the voices of Chambliss’ husband and children. Not knowing what to make of the strange device, Tarquin decided to take it back to Chambliss.
Baron Üterrüs visited Magic Jones and mocked Jones’ fading powers. Üterrüs recalled how Jones had been his teacher many centuries ago, and they had a flashback to Üterrüs’ childhood. When the young Üterrüs asked to learn about evil wizards and dark magicks, Jones reluctantly agreed that it could be useful to learn evil magic in order to guard against it. Back in the present, Üterrüs pointed out that Jones was thus responsible for sending him down the path of evil.
Francis and Kalgon confronted each other about their ambitions to become the new king. Kalgon argued that the throne was his by right of blood, while Francis insisted that it was his by decree of the monks of Kack Island. The argument went on and on, with neither one budging an inch.
The demon Prick encountered the mentally challenged King Plough wandering through the woods. Prick asked if Plough was the king, but Plough couldn’t remember. Plough showed Prick the dead cat he had found at the side of the road, and Prick suggested that they play a game of “Eat the Cat.” (Prick won.) Prick was impressed that Plough showed no fear of him, and asked Plough to be his friend. Since Prick had just eaten Plough’s only other friend, Plough agreed.
Chambliss was tending bar when Friar Kack came in, explaining that he was looking for the slayer of Schmegma the dragon. Chambliss tried to convince him that Schmegma had died of natural causes, but eventually admitted that she had killed it. As Kack prepared to take his vengeance, Tarquin rushed in to give Chambliss her cell phone. Seeing Chambliss in danger, Tarquin knocked Kack out, then chained him to the wall until they could decide what to do with him.
TO BE CONTINUED…
Sunday, December 28, 2008
Season 6, Episode 3: The Friar This Time
Episode 3: The Friar This Time
Gatormaid was walking through the forest when the enigmatic Friar Kack arrived. He explained that he had been sent by his order to contact their master, Schmegma the Dragon. At the mention of Schmegma’s name, Gatormaid got carried away with emotion as she spoke of her connection with the dragon. Friar Kack gave her some wine to calm her down…a lot of wine, actually.
King Plough was away from the kingdom (either visiting Queen Franklin of Atlantia, or recovering from injuries sustained during his date with Gatormaid, depending on whom you believe). In his absence, Magic Jones was in charge of Castle Post. The wizard discovered Kalgon dragging the king’s throne outside the castle. Kalgon explained that, as the newly-appointed Knight Butler, he was cleaning up the castle by holding a yard sale. Magic Jones expressed his disapproval, and the two of them engaged in a brief swordfight.
Baron Üterrüs came to redecorate Tarquin’s treehouse. Tarquin received him as hospitably as possible, despite the fact that Tarquin was coming down with the Black Plague. The Baron examined Tarquin and informed him that he was ill because Francis was cursed to see his friends die around him; Tarquin was suffering from a second-hand curse. Tarquin urged the Baron to help him lift the curse, but Üterrüs replied that he was only hired as a decorator, not as a sorceror. When Tarquin learned that Kalgon was in Üterrüs’ debt for his services, Tarquin resolved to indebt himself to Kalgon.
In boulder form, Francis of the Rock People rolled up to Chambliss Tucker’s Lincoln Navigator. He told her about Tarquin’s illness, and she searched through the immense car until she found her first-aid kit. They sang a happy little jingle about first aid.
Friar Kack visited Kalgon’s yard sale in search of information. Kalgon informed Kack that Schegma had been slain by a woman from another age. Stunned by this revelation, Kack announced that his brethren would soon arrive for vengeance.
Running to spread the warning about the invading monks, Magic Jones ran into Francis. Discovering that Francis’ presence made him sneeze, Jones offered to prepare a salve (pronounced “saaaaaaalve”) to alleviate the curse. Then Jones remembered what he was doing, and warned Francis about the friars. After a very confused conversation, Magic suggested that Francis use his boulder form to roll over the friars when they arrive.
Chambliss Tucker arrived at the castle just as Kalgon was shutting down the yard sale. Kalgon insisted that the sale was over, but she finally pressured him into selling King Plough’s throne. When Kalgon quoted her a price of 10,000 gold pieces, she offered him some “treasures” from her era instead (baby powder, an asthma inhaler, etc.). When Kalgon learned that she had been sent by Baron Üterrüs, he offered to sell her the King’s sword cheap, and throw in the throne for free.
Having been told to kill the friars, Francis consulted Baron Üterrüs for advice on how to kill. The Baron noticed the emerald embedded in Francis’ fist, and they discussed the curse. Üterrüs agreed to help Francis, since Francis had done him a favor. Francis didn’t remember helping the Baron, so the Baron reminded him that two months ago, Francis was tunneling through the earth and came across a large rune-covered box, slightly larger than the Baron himself. Francis smashed through the box and went on his way, and now Üterrüs owed Francis a debt. To repay him, the Baron told Francis that he could remove the gem and lift the curse by sacrificing a life.
Gatormaid and Tarquin were preparing for the friars’ arrival and discussing Francis’ curse. Tarquin believed that the emerald could only be removed by the Queen of England, but that was probably just the plague talking.
Magic Jones met Friar Kack, informing the monk that he knew about Kack’s quest for vengeance. Jones warned the friar that he wouldn’t let Kack harm Chambliss Tucker (inadvertently revealing to Kack just who his target was). They engaged in a battle of magic, with Jones casting a spell of brain-freeze upon Kack, while Kack cast a spell of incontinence upon Jones. They realized that they were at a stand-off, so Jones made an insincere offer to lead Kack to Chambliss.
Chambliss Tucker brought King Plough’s sword to Linens Und Thïngs, where Baron Üterrüs collapsed at the sight of it. He urged her to take the sword far away, explaining that it was his weakness. Chambliss compared it to her weakness for Butterfingers, and how she faced her weakness and built up her willpower by holding the candy bar and resisting its power. She handed the sword to Üterrüs.
ÜTERRÜS: “IT BURNS! It Burns!…But now it burns a little less.”
Tarquin and Gatormaid ran into Kalgon, who was carrying his profits from the yard sale. He showed them the money that he had earned “legitimately,” and offered to share it with them. Tarquin told Kalgon that he was dying of the plague, and that his dying wish was for them to use the emerald’s power to protect the forest and undo its destruction. Kalgon realized that the emerald only had enough power to restore either the forest or Gatormaid, but not both.
Magic Jones led Friar Kack to the forest, where Francis was pretending to be Chambliss. Kack saw the enchanted emerald on Francis’ fist, and dropped to his knees in fealty. Francis dropped the ruse, since it hadn’t worked anyway. Friar Kack explained that, as Francis bore the Eye of Püff DeMagik, the dragon, Kack’s order owed Francis their obedience. Francis ordered Kack not to seek vengeance against Chambliss. Kack was torn between the two imperatives, but agreed to do as Francis said. Francis realized that, unlike Baron Üterrüs, Friar Kack had great goodness and honor in him, and that the friar could lift the curse without a blood sacrifice. Friar Kack removed the gem from Francis’ hand, freeing him from the curse. The monk told Francis that he could call on Kack’s brethren anytime by uttering the mystic phrase “Get on down here now!”
Resisting the pain of holding the sword, Baron Üterrüs plotted to summon a demon to restore his undead soul, which was stolen when the sword pierced his nether regions so many centuries ago.
TO BE CONTINUED…
Gatormaid was walking through the forest when the enigmatic Friar Kack arrived. He explained that he had been sent by his order to contact their master, Schmegma the Dragon. At the mention of Schmegma’s name, Gatormaid got carried away with emotion as she spoke of her connection with the dragon. Friar Kack gave her some wine to calm her down…a lot of wine, actually.
King Plough was away from the kingdom (either visiting Queen Franklin of Atlantia, or recovering from injuries sustained during his date with Gatormaid, depending on whom you believe). In his absence, Magic Jones was in charge of Castle Post. The wizard discovered Kalgon dragging the king’s throne outside the castle. Kalgon explained that, as the newly-appointed Knight Butler, he was cleaning up the castle by holding a yard sale. Magic Jones expressed his disapproval, and the two of them engaged in a brief swordfight.
Baron Üterrüs came to redecorate Tarquin’s treehouse. Tarquin received him as hospitably as possible, despite the fact that Tarquin was coming down with the Black Plague. The Baron examined Tarquin and informed him that he was ill because Francis was cursed to see his friends die around him; Tarquin was suffering from a second-hand curse. Tarquin urged the Baron to help him lift the curse, but Üterrüs replied that he was only hired as a decorator, not as a sorceror. When Tarquin learned that Kalgon was in Üterrüs’ debt for his services, Tarquin resolved to indebt himself to Kalgon.
In boulder form, Francis of the Rock People rolled up to Chambliss Tucker’s Lincoln Navigator. He told her about Tarquin’s illness, and she searched through the immense car until she found her first-aid kit. They sang a happy little jingle about first aid.
Friar Kack visited Kalgon’s yard sale in search of information. Kalgon informed Kack that Schegma had been slain by a woman from another age. Stunned by this revelation, Kack announced that his brethren would soon arrive for vengeance.
Running to spread the warning about the invading monks, Magic Jones ran into Francis. Discovering that Francis’ presence made him sneeze, Jones offered to prepare a salve (pronounced “saaaaaaalve”) to alleviate the curse. Then Jones remembered what he was doing, and warned Francis about the friars. After a very confused conversation, Magic suggested that Francis use his boulder form to roll over the friars when they arrive.
Chambliss Tucker arrived at the castle just as Kalgon was shutting down the yard sale. Kalgon insisted that the sale was over, but she finally pressured him into selling King Plough’s throne. When Kalgon quoted her a price of 10,000 gold pieces, she offered him some “treasures” from her era instead (baby powder, an asthma inhaler, etc.). When Kalgon learned that she had been sent by Baron Üterrüs, he offered to sell her the King’s sword cheap, and throw in the throne for free.
Having been told to kill the friars, Francis consulted Baron Üterrüs for advice on how to kill. The Baron noticed the emerald embedded in Francis’ fist, and they discussed the curse. Üterrüs agreed to help Francis, since Francis had done him a favor. Francis didn’t remember helping the Baron, so the Baron reminded him that two months ago, Francis was tunneling through the earth and came across a large rune-covered box, slightly larger than the Baron himself. Francis smashed through the box and went on his way, and now Üterrüs owed Francis a debt. To repay him, the Baron told Francis that he could remove the gem and lift the curse by sacrificing a life.
Gatormaid and Tarquin were preparing for the friars’ arrival and discussing Francis’ curse. Tarquin believed that the emerald could only be removed by the Queen of England, but that was probably just the plague talking.
Magic Jones met Friar Kack, informing the monk that he knew about Kack’s quest for vengeance. Jones warned the friar that he wouldn’t let Kack harm Chambliss Tucker (inadvertently revealing to Kack just who his target was). They engaged in a battle of magic, with Jones casting a spell of brain-freeze upon Kack, while Kack cast a spell of incontinence upon Jones. They realized that they were at a stand-off, so Jones made an insincere offer to lead Kack to Chambliss.
Chambliss Tucker brought King Plough’s sword to Linens Und Thïngs, where Baron Üterrüs collapsed at the sight of it. He urged her to take the sword far away, explaining that it was his weakness. Chambliss compared it to her weakness for Butterfingers, and how she faced her weakness and built up her willpower by holding the candy bar and resisting its power. She handed the sword to Üterrüs.
ÜTERRÜS: “IT BURNS! It Burns!…But now it burns a little less.”
Tarquin and Gatormaid ran into Kalgon, who was carrying his profits from the yard sale. He showed them the money that he had earned “legitimately,” and offered to share it with them. Tarquin told Kalgon that he was dying of the plague, and that his dying wish was for them to use the emerald’s power to protect the forest and undo its destruction. Kalgon realized that the emerald only had enough power to restore either the forest or Gatormaid, but not both.
Magic Jones led Friar Kack to the forest, where Francis was pretending to be Chambliss. Kack saw the enchanted emerald on Francis’ fist, and dropped to his knees in fealty. Francis dropped the ruse, since it hadn’t worked anyway. Friar Kack explained that, as Francis bore the Eye of Püff DeMagik, the dragon, Kack’s order owed Francis their obedience. Francis ordered Kack not to seek vengeance against Chambliss. Kack was torn between the two imperatives, but agreed to do as Francis said. Francis realized that, unlike Baron Üterrüs, Friar Kack had great goodness and honor in him, and that the friar could lift the curse without a blood sacrifice. Friar Kack removed the gem from Francis’ hand, freeing him from the curse. The monk told Francis that he could call on Kack’s brethren anytime by uttering the mystic phrase “Get on down here now!”
Resisting the pain of holding the sword, Baron Üterrüs plotted to summon a demon to restore his undead soul, which was stolen when the sword pierced his nether regions so many centuries ago.
TO BE CONTINUED…
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