Tuesday, July 28, 2009

Season 14, Episode 13: CG I, Robot

Episode 13: CG I, Robot

Robbie ‘Bad Decisions’ Knisions confronted Babs Bunkler over her plans, telling her he wouldn’t let her take over the “circlus” (which he then defined as the circle of friends within the circus). When she made a move towards him, he was knocked down before she even made contact. She then proceeded to beat him up without ever touching him.

Meanwhile, Deb Henderson and Sasha were working out their own plan to kill Babs. They decided to wait outside Babs’ window, blending into the night be pretending to be animals: Sasha would be a lion, and Deb would be an eagle with a snake in her mouth. Then, Sasha would tear open Babs’ chest, pull out her implants, juggle them, and then rip out Babs’ heart and eat it on white bread.

The CGI robot Reggie told the CGI robot Viktoria about Babs’ latest orders for them: They were to fire the entire circus staff, and dig a pit for them to fall into on the way out. Viktoria agreed, then confessed that since learning her true nature, she felt a great hunger all the time…but now that she knows she’s not human, food does nothing for her.

Michel Jacquesonne was explaining (in mime) to Stoolts that Reggie, Viktoria, and Sealman had been replaced by CGI robots. Stoolts figured that he might be able to defeat them, since his prosthetic legs make him sort of a cyborg. In fact, since his “robot” parts are wood, he’s the ORIGINAL cyborg. Michel compared Stoolts to the Trojan Horse, which gave him an idea on how to defeat Babs and her minions: Michel would hide inside Stoolts’ clown suit, then jump out and attack them.

Truck Tarkenton was in his workshop when Sealman came in, looking for CGI oil. Sealman confessed that he was not what he seemed…and he’d been programmed to do things he didn’t want to do.

Robbie was surprised to see Reggie still walking around, and apologized for mistreating him when he thought Reggie was dead. Reggie replied that there were no hard feelings, but fired Robbie anyway. Robbie protested that it was Babs’ influence that was making Reggie do this, but Reggie wouldn’t hear a bad word against her. When Robbie called Babs a “cooterscab,” the viciousness of the insult short-circuited Reggie. After collapsing, Reggie informed Robbie that there was one way to stop Babs: Robbie would have to get inside her mainframe.

Sasha and Michel ran into each other, and each explained their own plan to kill Babs.

Stoolts ran into Deb, who was practicing being an eagle. Stoolts explained that he was going to kill Babs with a plan right out of the Iliad. He then recounted a confused version of the myth of Icarus, only in his version, two women flew away by making wings out of their labia. Deb then explained her own plan, in which she would be riding on Sasha while holding a snake in her mouth. Stoolts marveled that her plan was more sexual than his own.

Babs Bunkler was lounging in her boudoir, rejoicing in her evil, when Sealman came in. He was ready to get nasty with her, but she worried that she wouldn’t be satisfied with desire that was only in his programming. She wanted him to want her of his own free will. Sealman used flowery praise to convince her that his passion was real, then embraced her—and immediately broke off. (“Well, I’m done.”)

Viktoria was gazing at the food in the snack car when Truck came in. Viktoria asked him how he felt about Babs’ plan to sell the circus. Taken aback (as this was the first he’d heard about it), Truck swore to stop her at all costs.

VIKTORIA: “So you would resort to violence?”
TRUCK: “Resort? It’s my first option!”

Since the threat against Babs had given Viktoria a reason to carry out her programming, Viktoria fired Truck, then carried him over to the pit. During the struggle, Truck’s hair fell off.

Deb found the maimed CGI-robot Reggie, who told her that he didn’t have much longer…he would soon be going to the Halls of Spielberg. He urged her to defeat Babs, and she assured him that there were all kinds of plans going on.

Robbie found the maimed Truck holding his hair in his hands. Robbie tried to reassure him that it could be reattached, but Truck knew it was too far gone. They paid tribute to Truck’s hair by singing Boyz II Men’s “It’s So Hard to Say Goodbye.”

Babs Bunkler called Viktoria into her office, because she’d noticed that one of her robots was no longer responding on the monitor. Viktoria checked the computer, suggesting that Babs take a look at the Task Manager. When the computer still couldn’t find Reggie, Babs ordered Viktoria to go out and physically locate him, then put him on Extra Powerful Overload. Viktoria warned that this may drain the entire system, but agreed to do it if Babs would return the favor by installing the plug-in that would let Viktoria enjoy food once again. Babs did so, then gave Viktoria a SweeTart to test her taste buds. Viktoria was delighted to be able to taste again. Babs laughed uproariously at her little prank, as the “SweeTart” had actually been a Tums.

Sasha found Sealman and discovered that his skin was peeling off. Sealman explained that he was shedding like a snake, then went off on a lengthy extended metaphor. Sasha remarked “There’s a reason I don’t come to your poetry nights.”

Michel climbed into Stoolts’ suit, and the two of them practiced walking as one person. Michel figured that it would take them 18 years to get to Babs’ office.

Reggie’s spirit arose from his CGI body. He saw a kindly bearded man beckoning him into the light…Steven Spielberg. Spielberg’s voice informed Reggie that he had earned his reward: He would spend eternity at the bottom of the sea with Haley Joel Osment (which is where the movie should have ended). Prompted by this observation, Reggie asked what the deal was with that tacked-on ending, and Spielberg explained that sometimes, when you get too powerful, nobody will tell you when you’ve had a bad idea. Spielberg then asked if his pants made him look fat, and Reggie admitted that they did. Impressed by Reggie’s honesty, Spielberg granted him eternity at Spielberg’s right hand.

Robbie broke into Babs’ office Mission: Impossible style. Hovering over her computer, his plan was stymied when he couldn’t figure out how to get out of Task Manager.

The Stoolts/Michel duo ran into Deb, who explained that she couldn’t see Stoolts or Truck was going to cut her open. Stoolts suggested that she hide from Truck by getting into his suit. Since she already had a baby inside her, she’d be like a Trojan Horse inside another Trojan Horse.

Truck crawled over to Sasha, carrying his hair. He asked her to give his hair a proper funeral, since she had the only working toilet in the circus. She said a prayer over the hair, then flushed it. Truck lamented that he’d never have hair again, since he never learned how to grow it. As a show of solidarity, Sasha took off her own wig and gave it to him. As Truck put it on, he realized that he’d now gained Sasha’s acrobatic abilities. To repay her for her sacrifice, Truck peeled off his mustache and placed it on Sasha (who now had his mechanical prowess as well). Newly empowered, they set out to kill Babs.

Viktoria was preparing to put the system on Extra Powerful Overload when Sealman came in and asked him to stop. Sealman explained that, despite his programming from Babs, he didn’t want to see the circus destroyed.

Babs found Robbie in her office. To explain his presence, Robbie said he’d come to make a peace offering. He told her that he found her attractive, and he believed there was still a good person inside her. She admitted that there once had been, but she squelched her good side because it was so boring. Robbie reassured her that being good doesn’t have to be boring, then started seducing her by doing a striptease. While Babs was distracted by his dance, the Stoolts/Michel Trojan Horse arrived, followed by Truck, followed by the Deb/Sasha eagle-lion. Everybody attacked in a gruesome spectacle that ended with Sasha eating Babs’ heart on white bread.


Thursday, July 23, 2009

Season 14, Episode 12: Everybody Dies

Episode 12: Everybody Dies

Reggie Bunkler’s wife, Babs Bunkler, came into Reggie’s office…where Reggie’s dead body had been lying ever since Sasha killed him two episodes ago. Babs reflected on their life together, and how Reggie had spent all her money on this circus to fulfill his family’s dreams. Now, she was going to live HER dream by selling the circus and turning it into expensive lofts.

Gunther Gayfer-Wilhelm and Viktoria Busliftor were relaxing in the spa and contemplating the future of the circus. Viktoria proposed that they could break off from the Bunkler Brothers and form their own circus, if they could get Sasha to join them as their star. Viktoria worried that Gunther could never tame Sasha’s ego, but Gunther replied “It’s the challenge that makes it so challenging.”

Truck Tarkenton and Sasha were shopping for flowers for Reggie’s funeral, as Sasha reflected on the feeling of power it gave her to take Reggie’s life. Truck led her into Reggie’s office so she could make her peace with him. (“Don’t do anything weird…but if you do, there’s a webcam right there.”) Left alone with Reggie’s body, she confessed her attraction to him.

Robbie ‘Bad Decisions’ Knisions and Sealman Rushdie were planning a tribute act for Reggie—Robbie would jump his bike over Reggie’s flaming body as he’s being cremated. Robbie reflected on how he’d never liked Reggie, but his death put those feelings in perspective. He then contemplated the finality of death, saying how ridiculous it would be if Reggie suddenly came back to life. Sealman said that if that happened, he would kill Reggie all over again.

Michel Jacquesonne was showing Babs around the circus and telling her how much he missed Reggie. (“That man treated me like an employee. My own parents didn’t treat me like an employee.”) Babs asked him exactly what happened to Reggie. After going on and on about his own problems, Michel finally told her that Sasha had twisted Reggie’s neck until it clicked.

Viktoria invited Sasha to join their new circus, but Sasha didn’t see any difference between working at either circus. Viktoria then said that she didn’t really have much of a choice…they’d already taken most of the Bunkler Brothers’ equipment, so there wouldn’t be a circus left to go on anyway. Sasha warned Viktoria that she had killed before and would kill again. Viktoria offered to let her kill Gunther if she’d join their circus.

Truck was driving Deb to the doctor to check on her baby. He suggested that they could prove whether the baby was his or Stoolts’ by seeing whether it had stools for feet. As Deb pointed out that stool-feet weren’t a hereditary trait, Truck proposed that they could check for themselves by cutting her open. Deb suggested an ultrasound instead, but Truck didn’t believe in them. (“That’s CGI, it’s not real.”) Stopping the truck in the woods, Truck led Deb to a cabin to reveal…the REAL Reggie Bunkler’s body! When Deb asked about the body in the office, Truck explained that the other body was CGI. She suggested that they could use the fake body for a ventriloquist act. Pleased by the idea, Truck told her he’d put off cutting her open until they saw how the new act goes over. Deb pleaded with him not to cut her open at all, and they came to an agreement: She promised not to let Stoolts near the baby, and Truck promised not to slice her open.

Robbie, Sealman, and Gunther dragged the fake Reggie’s body out of the office to practice Robbie’s jump. As they did so, Robbie pulled down Reggie’s pants to make him more aerodynamic for the stunt.

GUNTHER: “Everybody says I’m gay, and I’d like to point out that you two are the ones undressing a dead man.”

Babs went out to the cabin to visit her husband’s real body. She gloated that she’d substituted the CGI robot a long time ago, and nobody had noticed the difference. Everything was going according to her plan. Just then, Gunther and Viktoria came through the woods, scouting for locations for their new circus. As Babs hid, Gunther and Viktoria discovered Reggie’s body, and were thoroughly confused.

Back at the circus, Deb was practicing her ventriloquist act with the CGI-robot Reggie’s body. Much to her surprise, the “dummy” began speaking on its own: “My wife is trying to destroy the circus! I’m in the woods!”

Sealman and Michel were planning their act, as Michel ranted about how he was molested by clowns his entire life. Sealman protested that his life had been saved by clowns…an elite band of military clowns who had rescued him from Japanese fishermen. Sealman urged Michel to find it in his heart to mime forgiveness, but after Michel went into sickening detail about what had been done to him, Sealman agreed that he should mime revenge instead.

Sasha came into Reggie’s office to visit his body, when Babs entered and revealed that it wasn’t the real Reggie. Babs demonstrated by running a program to make the CGI-robot move its arms and pat its head. Babs and Sasha then revealed the reason for their rivalry: They’re sisters. All their life, Sasha had been the talented one, while Babs was only good at giving blowjobs…so Babs had gotten rid of her sister by sending her to Bolivia, where Sasha was raised by acrobats. But fate had drawn them together once again, as Sasha had come to America and joined the Bunkler Brothers Circus, not knowing its connection to her long-lost sister. After explaining their backstory, Babs began strangling Sasha with a scarf (knocking off Sasha’s wig in the process).

Truck and Robbie were watching porn on the internet when they stumbled across some of the circus’ security-camera footage. Playing the video, they saw Sealman performing for Reggie to distract him, as Viktoria (while she was still “Viktor”) snuck up from behind and snapped Reggie’s neck. Checking the date on the footage, they realized that the real Reggie had been dead for months, and they’d been working with a robot all along. They suspected that Michael Bay was somehow responsible.

The dewigged Sasha managed to crawl to Deb’s trailer, where she explained her family history to Deb. She revealed that Babs had gone mad with jealousy after discovering that Sasha was part of the circus that Babs had married into. Deb agreed to help Sasha get her revenge.

Searching for clues in the woods, Gunther came across the murdered bodies of the real Sealman and Viktor, along with Sasha’s wig. Gunther wondered what kind of power it would take to kill someone as strong as Viktor, but despite the danger, he swore to find out who was responsible.

In her office, Babs Bunkler had gathered her CGI-robot minions: Reggie, Viktoria, and Sealman. She sent Reggie to fire all the performers. She then instructed Viktoria to remember the love she had for Sasha (back when Viktoria was still Viktor), and to turn that love to hate. After a moment of robotic confusion (“How do I remember love when I am ones and zeros?”), Viktoria went to to kill Sasha. Left alone with Sealman, Babs began flirting with the CGI-robot talking sea lion. (“I love it when you say big words.”)


Thursday, July 16, 2009

Season 14, Episode 11: Are You Confronting Me?

Episode 11: Are You Confronting Me?

Stoolts attempted to make peace with the mime Michel Jacquesonne, despite the longstanding mime/clown rivalry. Michel wanted no part of Stoolts’ reconciliation, explaing that his mind is full of demons, fire, and hate. Nevertheless, Stoolts suggested that they go into business together, making sexy Popsicles with flirty messages on the sticks. The thought of capitalism relieved the demons in Michel’s head.

Seeking advice on her pregnancy, bearded lady Deb Henderson consulted the circus doctor, Dr. Root, and the circus vet, Dr. Sally Seditizer. Dr. Seditizer attempted to shoot Deb with a tranq gun (her recommended treatment for everything), but Deb dodged the darts. Dr. Root examined her and announced that she had tubercucirculosis, a rare ailment transmitted from circus animals to performers and then back again. He warned her that either she or her baby would die.

Truck Tarkenton gathered the performers together to prepare them for the upcoming Super Family Night performance. When Michel asked if that meant the audience would be made up of super-heroes, Deb mime-slapped him. When Truck asked Deb to bake cookies for the patrons, she informed everybody about her diagnosis. Stoolts pondered how she might have contracted the disease and whether she’d passed it on to him…then he marveled at the fact that he’d just had a complex, relevant thought. Dr. Root recommended that they cancel Super Family Night and have a quarantine, but Truck argued that the circus couldn’t afford to cancel a performance.

Daredevil Robbie ‘Bad Decisions’ Knisions met his old friend, Las Vegas entertainer Danny Gams. They reminisced about Danny’s last performance, when he dove into a glass of water for an audience of cancer-ridden kids. Although the spectacle cured the kids, it had so damaged Danny’s kneecaps that it would be fatal for him to ever dance again…but he was willing to take that risk.

Stoolts went to consult Dr. Root with his concerns about Deb’s pregnancy and his impending fatherhood. When Stoolts explained that he feared he was too dumb to be a good father, Root reassured him that he could be the worst father in the world because kids don’t know when they’re being mistreated. Stoolts suggested making “Kids Don’t Know Any Better” the theme for Super Family Night.

Truck Tarkenton and Dr. Seditizer reflected on their secret past together…after their break-up, she left the country to forget Truck, then wound up killing seven men in Tokyo. She resolved to put him behind her, even if she had to sleep with everybody else. Truck suggested they make an act out of that.

Deb was baking some Super Family Cookies when Michel Jacquesson came by . She asked why he was so hostile towards Stoolts, and he explained that he’d been molested by clowns since childhood, so he hated all clowns. Just then, Stoolts arrived and greeted Michel warmly. When Deb expressed confusion over why Stoolts thought Michel was his friend, Michel tried to shut her up by making a sexist remark about women always talking. She responded by mime-slapping him. Seeing how Michel reacted to the imaginary slap, Stoolts tried pulling a mime-noose and was greatly amused as Michel began choking. Changing the subject, Stoolts asked Deb why there was always a man in her trailer every time he stops by. Just then, Truck came in for his nooner.

Later, Truck was getting ready for the show when Dr. Root came in to inform him that he had enough antidote for all but one person. When Truck asked if that meant it boiled down to choosing between Deb and her baby, Root realized he hadn’t figured the baby into his calculations, which meant it was out of luck in any case. Just then, Robbie came in. Examining him, Dr. Root declared that Robbie’s temperature was so high that he could spontaneously combust at any moment. Truck considered working that into the act. Robbie then asked Truck to cut Danny from the show for the sake of Danny’s life, just as Danny came in and overheard. Furious, Danny insisted that he be allowed to perform even if it kills him.

Dr. Root and Dr. Seditizer were practicing their interpretive-dance act, while simultaneously Robbie and Danny were having a heart-to-heart talk. Robbie confessed that he had slept with Danny’s wife in an effort to make Danny too sad to perform. Danny replied that he wanted Robbie and his wife to be together…in fact, he’d left her to Robbie in his will. Danny had also put in his will that if he comes back as a zombie, he wants Robbie to kill him. Danny was at peace with the thought of dying…he just wanted to go out on the most spectacular performance ever.

Truck and Stoolts had the shortest confrontation in history. (“Are you confronting me, motherfucker?”)

After performing his mime routine and taking a bow, Michel Jacquesson informed the audience that they’d been infected with tubercucirculosis. Truck rushed in to confront Michel for giving away the secret. (“You better not be fucking confronting me.”)

Deb was distributing her cookies to the audience when Stoolts arrived, jealous that she was giving her attention to crowds now. Angrily, she informed him that he was terrible in bed, so she had to go elsewhere for satisfaction. Stoolts declared that he wanted her to see his real self, as he rubbed off his make-up and threw down his nose and helmet.

Preparing for his final number, Danny Gams picked up Stoolts’ red nose and reflected on how his late father always wanted him to be a clown. He broke into a song about his father and his own impending death.

Dr. Root brought everyone together to discuss the medical situation. (“Are you confronting us, motherfucker?”) Root revealed that Stoolts was going to die…and not only that, Stoolts’ sperm was toxic and everyone who’s come in contact with it was contaminated. Robbie suggested that, like snakebite, the venom could be sucked out. Deb did so. Furious, Truck shouted that Root had broken their deal; he was supposed to make sure that the disease only killed Deb’s baby. As Deb and Stoolts reeled from this shocking news, Truck strangled Dr. Root with his wrench. In his death throes, Root dropped his vial of antidote to the ground…but since it was an unbreakable plastic bottle, everyone could still be cured.

Danny Gams went out for his final dance, with Robbie backing him up. At the climax of his routine, Danny clutched at his chest for a moment…then went on dancing. Robbie warned Danny that he would die if he continued. Danny replied that he HAD just died…he was now a zombie. He begged Robbie to finish him off, just as he’d put in his will. As Danny tearfully complied, Dr. Seditizer ran in, pursued by the zombie Dr. Root. Just as Dr. Root caught her and ate her brains, Michel Jacquesson rushed in and destroyed Dr. Root with a mime shotgun.

Deb was packing up her baking supplies and reflecting on how her appetite for sex had messed up her life. She’d decided to go back home to Chatsworth, where she couldn’t hurt anything. Meanwhile, Stoolts was packing up his own stuff and pondering his own life. Since they were in adjoining tents, they heard each other’s monologues and decided to turn them into a dialogue. Stoolts told her that he understood her sexual desires, and if he couldn’t satisfy them, he’d be happy to let her turn to other people (as long as he could watch). They declared their love for each other. Truck, overhearing their reconciliation, began his own monologue about his plan to claim Deb’s baby for himself…even if he has to take it out of her.


Tuesday, July 7, 2009

Season 14, Episode 10: You Blight Up My Life

Episode 10: You Blight Up My Life

Reggie Bunkler was sitting in his office when a new act came knocking on his door…the French-Canadian mime artist Michel Jacquesonne. Reggie warned him that the circus’ budget was too tight to pay him much, but Michel replied that he worked not for money, but for the love of mime. Of course, that wouldn’t stop him from taking whatever money he could get…

Sealman Rushdie and Viktoria Busliftor were changing the baby-thing, which called Viktoria “Mama.” Viktoria marveled at how quickly it was maturing.

Bearded lady Deb Henderson, worried about the July 4th fireworks show and its effects on her unborn child, consulted Gunther Gayfer-Wilhelm as the circus’ resident expert on danger. Gunther assured her that there was nothing to worry about, because babies love loud noises. Feeling the baby kick, Gunther declared “He’s like a little Pele…or some more relevant soccer player.” Deb then revealed that Stoolts had seen her kissing Truck, and she was afraid Stoolts might do something drastic. Gunther advised her to face her fears for the sake of her baby. Finally remembering a more contemporary reference, Gunther encouraged the baby to “Bend it like Beckham.”

Far away, on top of the dump on Moreland Avenue, Sasha was looking over the city and contemplating her decision to leave the circus. Knowing no other trade but acrobatics, she had been reduced to contorting her body in the street for 50 cents a pop.

In his fireworks lab, Stoolts was plotting his revenge. He’d acquired a sample of American Red Elm Blight, which he would spray on everybody else. He gloated that the blight, while fatal to trees, would have a different effect on humans: when combined with fireworks, it would drive everyone insane. (“Now THAT’S an evil plan!”)

Reggie found Viktoria cradling the parasite-baby. Reggie warned that the baby was the result of the curse Viktoria’s mother had placed on Reggie, but Viktoria countered that babies shouldn’t be blamed for where they came from. The baby began revealing Reggie’s deepest secrets, and Reggie threatened to drown it in the bathtub. The baby sinisterly replied “Let him try.” Changing the subject to lighten the mood, Viktoria remarked how much she was looking forward to the fireworks display. (“There’s nothing more American than explosions.”) Reggie told Viktoria that they’d arranged the perfect soundtrack to accompany the fireworks—The Spin Doctors.

Deb informed Sealman that she was pregnant, and asked him to be her midwife. Sealman felt her belly and declared that the baby was going to be a little Vitas Gerulitas, or some other outdated tennis player. Then he broke into a song about the wonders and joys of childbirth.

As Sasha gazed at the circus from her vantage point on the dump, Gunther came climbing through the garbage to join her. He wanted to watch the fireworks with her, and to prove once and for all that he’s not gay. Sasha replied that she knew from their lovemaking that he wasn’t gay…although she suspected his penis might be.

Michel Jacquesonne was performing his mime act in the center ring, narrating his actions aloud for the audience. Stoolts came in, and the age-old rivalry between clowns and mimes reared its ugly head. Stoolts squirted Michel with his blight-spray, then continued threatening him. In response, Michel created an imaginary wall between himself and Stoolts.

Reggie took the baby-thing to the elephant-wash station in an attempt to destroy it. He asked the baby what it wanted, and the baby revealed that it planned to take over the circus. The Bunkler Brothers Family Circus would soon be the Baby Brothers Family Circus, as soon as Deb’s baby arrived. The baby revealed that he, not Stoolts, had impregnated Deb…he had climbed up Stoolts’ pants leg and gotten in between them. (“So, technically, it’ll be my son, but ‘Baby Brothers’ sounds better.”) Horrified, Reggie carried the baby into his office and stuffed it in the Swear Jar.

Stoolts found Viktoria looking through a Viewmaster, entranced by the pictures of the Florida mermaids. Viktoria remarked that she had noticed Stoolts squirting people with his spray-bottle. Thinking the clown was simply spraying water as a playful way to cool people off, Viktoria asked to be sprayed. Since Viktoria was one of the few people who had always been nice to Stoolts, Stoolts refused to spray her with the blight. Viktoria then grabbed the bottle and squirted herself.

Sasha and Gunther were celebrating their happiness in the dump when Stoolts came by. He told them about the American Red Elm Blight and what it did to trees, but before he could continue as to its effects on humans, Sasha and Gunther began crying over the dead trees and orphaned saplings. Confused, Stoolts started to explain that he’d had an epiphany. Sasha asked if this was going to turn into another of his long-winded Cosby Show stories.

Sealman was swimming in his tank when Stoolts came by. Complimenting him on his fitness, Stoolts compared him to Jack LaLanne and other out-of-date exercise gurus. Then he sprayed Sealman with the blight.

Returning to the circus, Sasha came to Reggie’s office. Feeling confident that the circus had suffered in her absence, she demanded a raise. Fed up with her diva attitude, Reggie finally told her off. In a fit of rage, she threw Reggie’s bottle of Tums across the room. A vicious battle ensued, with Sasha wrecking the office. (In the process, she knocked the Swear Jar off the desk, and the evil baby took the opportunity to escape.) After smashing Reggie across the back with a chair, Sasha went to Stoolts and told him that he’d turned her into a superhuman killing machine with his blight-spray. She demanded that he spray her with an antidote.

Returning from the dump, Gunther ran into Viktoria. The lingering smell of dirty diapers reminded Viktoria that she had misplaced the baby-thing. Gunther realized that they were all in grave danger.

Michel, Sealman, Gunther, and Viktoria gathered outside Reggie’s office to watch the fireworks. Seeing Reggie lying on the ground, Viktoria remarked “I hear with a spine injury, you should move them immediately.” As they did so, Sasha, Deb, and Stoolts arrived. Stoolts confessed to Deb that he’d done something terrible and now felt deep remorse. Meanwhile, Reggie warned everybody else that the baby-thing had impregnated not only Deb, but Sasha as well. Just then, the sound of the Spin Doctors filled the air, and the fireworks began. The pyrotechnics combined with Stoolts’ spray, and everybody began behaving in more-than-usually bizarre ways. Gunther, the only one who had not been sprayed, attempted to reason with Stoolts by discussing the Cosby Show and asking “What would Rudy do?” Moved by Gunther’s plea, Stoolts urged everybody to snap out of it, helping them to shake off the effects by complimenting each of them and boosting their self-confidence. Deb congratulated Stoolts for saving the day, although Sasha pointed out that he had started the trouble in the first place.


Thursday, July 2, 2009

Season 14, Episode 9: Three-Alarm Three-Ring

Episode 9: Three-Alarm Three-Ring

Stoolts had accidentally set fire to the circus by rubbing his wooden stool-legs together during a passionate encounter with bearded lady Deb Henderson. Circus owner Reggie Bunkler rushed into his office, where he found roadie Truck Tarkenton putting out the flames by beating them with his wrench. Truck declared that he would save the circus, but first he wanted to be repaid for having detached the symbiotic baby-thing from Reggie’s body.

Meanwhile, Sealman Rushdie was trying to herd all the circus’ animals to safety, as Sasha cried that she couldn’t leave—if the circus was destroyed, she’d have nothing else to live for. Sealman told her to snap out if it, then told her about the time he survived the Great Antarctic Fire of ’06.

While putting some mementos in a fireproof safe, Gunther and Viktoria discussed their relationship. Viktoria worried that, despite her vow not to fall in love her first time, she may be becoming too attached to Gunther. Gunther confessed that it had been his first time as well—he’d never had sex before, because every woman assumed he was gay. Gunther looked deeply into Viktoria’s eyes and saw her experience and wisdom.

Panicked, Deb climbed to the top of the Big Top and screamed for an incredibly long time. Stoolts rushed (as much as he can “rush”) to her rescue. As he approached, Deb informed him that she was already pregnant from their encounter. (“It happens really fast in my family.”) Thrilled by the news, Stoolts was infused with the strength of ten men and easily saved Deb.

Reggie and Sealman addressed the audience, assuring them that everything was under control while also getting them to sign releases. They decided to make the evacuation part of the show by shooting all the audience members out of a cannon.

Sasha told Gunther that the danger of imminent death had made her realize how much Gunther meant to her. Gunther regretfully informed her that he had found somebody else. Breaking down, Sasha told him to leave her to die. Gunther declared that he wouldn’t let her die—he would teach her to jump through fire, just as he trained his tigers.

Deb rushed to her trailer to salvage her beard-brush, only to find Viktoria snooping through her things. Viktoria explained that, since becoming a woman, he’d developed an uncontrollable curiosity. Reading Deb’s diary, Viktoria had learned about her incredible fertility and her family’s history of giving children up for adoption.

Stoolts was heroically holding up the ceiling as the patrons escaped. Seeing the fire rising up Stoolts’ body, Truck “rescued” him by beating out the flames with his wrench.

While training Sasha to jump through the flames, Gunther admitted that his feelings for Viktoria had only been a temporary infatuation. Gunther explained his love for Sasha through a zombie metaphor, and Sasha agreed that they should let their passion rise from the grave.

Reggie was searching through the inferno for the baby-creature. Sealman suggested that it would be best to let the monstrous thing die, even though that goes against Sealman’s Catholic upbringing. Shocked, Reggie informed him that this was a Protestant circus. As they debated religion, the baby-thing emerged from the flames and leaped upon Reggie. Sealman pried the baby off of Reggie and declared “Goodnight Moon” in a vaguely disturbing manner.

Gunther and Sasha were in the throes of sex when they realized that Viktoria was listening from outside. Sasha feared that Viktoria would kill them both in a jealous rage, but Viktoria assured her that there was nothing to worry about…her encounter with Gunther meant as little to her as it had to him.

Stoolts asked Sealman for some salve to treat his burns. Sealman informed him that it would cost extra, now that Sealman has an evil baby to support. Stoolts attempted to bond with Sealman over fatherhood, but his efforts were blocked when Sealman started wondering what the big deal is about being a father.

Deb was sifting through the smoldering wreckage when Truck came to confront her about her pregnancy. He expressed concern for her safety, worrying that Stoolts might harm her or the baby—thus planting the seeds of doubt and making an opening for himself.

Viktoria was crying to herself when Reggie walked by. Having only known her as “Viktor” before, Reggie was stunned and disturbed by Viktoria’s new persona. Still, he reluctantly consoled her. Viktoria confessed that, despite her reassurance to Gunther that it meant nothing, she really HAD fallen in love with him. Reggie warned her that workplace romances never turn out well.

Fearing that Viktoria might kill her, Sasha went to Sealman for help. Sealman simply said that she had to deal with the consequences of her love for Gunther, telling her “You can’t harvest a field and not expect corn to grow.” Then he broke into an agricultural-based song about love and its results, including pregnancy.

As Reggie continued to console Viktoria, Gunther entered and declared his love for Sasha. He announced that he would rather quit the circus than give up Sasha, and Reggie was all too glad to accept his resignation. Just then, Sasha arrived and announced that she was quitting too…and that she’s pregnant. Stunned, Gunther informed Sasha that he had made sure long ago that he could never have children.

Stoolts walked in just as Truck kissed Deb.

Explaining that she had to get away and get her thoughts together, Sasha said goodbye to Gunther. Setting out on the road, she had brief flashbacks to her fondest memories of each of her circus friends.

Stung by Deb’s apparent betrayal, Stoolts contemplated drastic action. He pulled off his red nose and prepared to toss it in the air, declaring “Heads, everybody lives…tails, they die.” With that, he flipped his nose.


Thursday, June 25, 2009

Season 14, Episode 8: Trapeze Porn

Episode 8: Trapeze Porn

Returning from the circus managers’ conference, Reggie Bunkler found himself locked out of his office. Truck explained that he’d changed the locks now that it was HIS office, but let Reggie in as a visitor. Reggie asked what had happened while Truck was in charge, and Truck reported that two people had died and Viktor Busliftor had given himself a sex-change operation.

On an ice-cream date with Deb Henderson, Stoolts informed her that he had taken an on-line real estate course so he could support her even if they left the circus…and he’d also taken on-line self-defense classes to protect her from Truck. As they planned their future, Deb suggested that Stoolts also get an on-line GED, seeing as how he was only 15 and had spent his entire life in the circus. Stoolts took offense, thinking she was suggesting he wasn’t smart enough for her.

Robbie ‘Bad Decisions’ Knisions was crying over the death of his biological father (Jack Lightning Jr.) when Gunther Gayfer-Wilhelm came in to console him. Gunther suggested that perhaps Jack wasn’t really dead, and might come back from the grave. Robbie was not comforted.

Viktor (or “Viktoria”) came to Sasha’s trailer for some beauty tips, explaining that he was now a woman. Sasha warned her that there was only room for one beautiful woman in this circus. Viktoria replied that she knew she could never compete with Sasha, but only wanted to feel better about herself. Sasha suggested that Viktoria start by shaving her mustache.

Stoolts confronted Truck, who threatened to knock Stoolts’ wooden stool-legs out from under him. In turn, Stoolts warned that he would rub his wooden legs together really fast and set Truck on fire. Unexpectedly, Truck apologized, explaining that he’d grown sick of violence. He wanted to make it up to Stoolts…perhaps by helping him pass the GED.

Reggie asked Robbie to help him get past Truck’s security system so he could reclaim his own office. Despite his dislike of Reggie, Robbie agreed out of respect for Reggie’s father. This prompted Reggie to reveal that he resented his father because the family circus robbed him of a normal childhood. After a bit more conversation, Robbie noticed the bulge under Reggie’s shirt. Reggie revealed that the baby that had been growing out of his chest had almost fully emerged. Reggie warned that the “baby” whispered to him in the night.

Meeting in the center ring, Deb asked Sasha for advice on her relationship with Stoolts, since she was worried about his drinking and their age difference—she’s 40 and he’s 15. (“If we weren’t in the circus, it’d be illegal.”) Sasha asked if they had actually had sex yet, and Deb replied that they hadn’t yet figured out the logistics of it. Sasha offered to let Deb use her trapeze system to fly onto Stoolts’ weiner.

Gunther ran into Viktoria, and complimented her on her new look. Gunther revealed that, now that Viktoria was a woman, he could admit his attraction to her. Viktoria thanked Gunther for the compliment, but explained that she wasn’t a lesbian. (Viktor had always thought that the long-haired Gunther was a woman.) After clearing up Viktoria’s confusion, Gunther asked her out on a date.

Reggie and Robbie broke into Reggie’s office, where Reggie revealed his plan to somehow get rid of the baby-thing growing from him. Outraged, Robbie informed Reggie that he would care for the baby if Robbie wouldn’t. Then he started breast-feeding it, much to Reggie’s disgust. (“Oh God, I can taste it!”)

Truck was helping Stoolts prepare for the GED, but the questions he asked were deliberately designed to prey on Stoolts’ insecurities. (“If a train is going West at 70 miles per hour, how far away will a man’s girlfriend go to cheat on him because he’s too dumb for her?”) Stoolts started to confront Truck about his insinuations, but then went off on a tangent about The Cosby Show.

Sasha was instructing Deb on how to use the aerial system, telling her to dismount the trapeze and immediately mount Stoolts—which would require both precision timing and great control of her “kenkel” muscles. Sasha then informed Deb that they were going to make their consummation into the circus’ main attraction of the night.

Reggie went to Truck for help in getting rid of the baby-thing. As Truck examined Reggie’s conjoined symbiote, the baby-thing intoned that Truck would die a fiery death. Truck contemplated the financial potential of a baby that could foresee the future, then resumed his examination. Truck informed Reggie that the only tool that could detach the parasite was Truck’s trusty wrench. (“I’m gonna beat you in the face until that baby falls off.”)

Sasha informed Stoolts that she’d prepared a wonderful new act for him and Deb…but first, she’d need to cut a hole in his pants. She then explained the facts of life and “special hugging” to him.

Robbie gave Deb a pep talk to prepare her for the big moment, but grossed her out when he compared it to a ring-toss.

Gunther and Viktoria were out on the town, taking a walk through downtown Atlanta. As traffic passed around them, Viktoria contemplated how romantic it would be to die like Margaret Mitchell. Viktoria then confessed that, for all the wild sexual shenanigans that go on at the circus, she was still a virgin. As “Time After Time” swelled in the background, Viktoria explained that she wanted her first time to be special…but not so special that she’d mistake it for true love. Gunther agreed to take her behind a dumpster.

In Reggie’s office, Truck prepared to remove the baby-thing…by hitting Reggie in the crotch with the wrench.

The time of the big show had arrived, with Deb in the trapeze and Stoolts in the center ring, as the ringmaster announced “The Greatest Statutory Rape on Earth.” After some spectacular aerial maneuvers, Deb swung onto Stoolts and held onto him. Immediately afterwards, Stoolts realized that, during the act, he’d been so excited that he rubbed his wooden legs together too fast…he’d accidentally set fire to himself!


Wednesday, June 17, 2009

Season 14, Episode 7: Strange Magic

Episode 7: Strange Magic

Having been left in charge of the circus while Reggie Bunkler is away, roadie Truck Tarkenton was preparing to interview new acts when magician Artemus Jinx suddenly materialized out of nowhere. Artemus explained that his performance was no mere magic act…it was genuine magic. Artemus boasted that his staff had dabbed the tears of Satan.

Another prospective new act, daredevil Jack Lightning Jr., was inspecting the cannon for his human cannonball act. Just then, the circus’ current daredevil Robbie ‘Bad Decisions’ Knisions came by, furious that Jack was looking to replace him. Jack proposed a stunt-challenge to see who would stay and who would go. For his part, Jack planned to superglue himself to a rogue elephant and then be fired into a herd of female elephants.

Strongman Viktor Busliftor went out to throw out his trash when he discovered Billie the Goat Lady grazing nearby. Viktor introduced himself and invited her in for borscht. Billie explained that she had come to join the circus, since losing her job at Popeye’s.

Contortionist Etzel the Human Pretzel was limbering up when Truck came by. Etzel greeted Truck as an old friend, mussing his hair and teasing him about how lousy his circus is.

Robbie went to Artemus Jinx for magical assistance in winning the stunt challenge. Robbie knew that he couldn’t outdo Jack, so he asked Artemus to change the truth that Jack was the better stuntman. Artemus asked if Robbie was willing to deal with the forces of darkness; when Robbie agreed, Artemus stabbed Robbie’s hand with his staff to draw blood. Robbie was immediately infused with great power.

Billie the Goat Lady met Jack Lightning Jr., who was slightly freaked out by her appearance. Billie told Jack that she was his greatest fan, and had his posters hanging on her walls. Jack invited her to his bedroom to see the posters he had on his walls.

Viktor and Etzel were playing foosball and reflecting on the concept of masculinity. Viktor had noticed that the circus turns traditional roles on end, with the bearded ladies, goat-women, and manly men in feminine costumes. Viktor had come to realize that he felt like a woman trapped in a superhuman male body, and he broke into a song about his gender confusion.

Jack Lightning Jr. and Bilie the Goat Lady were relaxing in the afterglow in Jack’s trailer. She asked if he wanted to see her udders.

In his lair, Artemus Jinx sensed that the axis of time had gone askew. He feared that by granting the power to Robbie, he may have unleashed forces that would doom the world.

In the center ring, Etzel the Human Pretzel presented the climax of his act by attempting to fit his entire body through an unstrung tennis racket. He failed miserably.

Jack Lightning Jr. came to Truck’s office regarding his new act. Truck revealed that, after Etzel’s horrible performance, he was rethinking the idea of hiring new talent. Desperate to be in the show, Jack offered a deal: If he dies during his act, Truck doesn’t have to revive him. He broke into a song pleading to prove himself the #1 stunt performer. Truck agreed, knowing that it would bring in a huge audience if Jack dies.

Robbie was preparing his new act, declaring in a deep demonic voice that his newest stunt will make the world run red with the blood of mortals. He noticed Billie the Goat Lady spying on him, and he told her how much he admired her cloven hooves. She explained that they came in handy for her tap-dancing act, which she then demonstrated. She went into the audience and turned the tap-dance into a lap-dance.

Viktor, now wearing a dress to reflect his inner woman, came to see Artemus Jinx. Artemus declared that he hadn’t seen Viktor since that time in Moscow, when he magically cured Viktor’s Chernobyl radiation poisoning by converting it into strength. Viktor thanked him for the “favor,” prompting Artemus to ask why he was using air-quotes. Viktor explained that used them for emphasis, and Artemus informed him that he’d been doing it wrong all those years. Getting back on track, Viktor asked another favor of Artemus: He wanted the sorcerer to make him a real woman. Artemus lamented that he had expended too much power when he helped Robbie, and could not grant Viktor’s wish. Taking matters into his own hands, Viktor castrated himself with Artemus’ staff.

Jack Lightning Jr. and Etzel were reminiscing about how Jack had taken in the orphaned Etzel as a child. Jack revealed that he had a confession: He may have been a father figure to Etzel, but he truly was the father of one of the other performers…namely, Robbie ‘Bad Decisions’ Knisions.

In his trailer, Robbie was sitting in the lotus position and chanting backwards. Truck came in to confront him about his devil-worshipping, and Robbie declared that he was not worshipping Satan, he IS Satan. Truck warned Robbie that he knew from reading Chick tracts what this path leads to…it may start off with heavy-metal music and D&D games, but the next thing you know, you’re snorting coke off of a hooker’s labia. Reverting to his normal voice, Robbie asked “Really?”

In his trailer, Viktor was admiring his new female self, as he talked to his testicles (preserved in a jar on the shelf next to a bonsai tree).

The possessed Robbie was preparing his act when Jack came in and confessed that he was Robbie’s biological father. Though he acknowledged that Robbie’s REAL father was the man who raised and loved him all those years, Jack confessed that he still felt great paternal pride in Robbie’s accomplishments. In fact, he had kept clippings and posters of Robbie’s career on his walls. In response, Robbie asked “You know what I’ve got on my wall? YOUR SOUL!” With that, he snapped Jack’s neck.

Truck came to confront Artemus about his unleashing the devil on the circus. Artemus explained that he could set things right again, but it would require a sacrifice.

TRUCK: “Don’t tell me it’s a goat-lady.”
ARTEMUS: “That’s pretty much where I was going.”

Etzel was complaining about life in general to Billie when Truck passed by, leaving a trail of tin cans. As Billie was compelled to follow the trail, Etzel kept on ranting without noticing her absence.

The trail led Billie back to Artemus’ lair, who apologized for what he was about to do. The possessed Robbie entered just as Artemus slit Billie’s throat. Artemus then took his staff and literally beat the devil out of Robbie. When he came back to his senses, the unpossessed Robbie saw Billie’s body and asked whether he had done that. Artemus replied “Yes, you did,” then shouted for the police.


Wednesday, June 10, 2009

Season 14, Episode 6: You Say It's Your Birthday

Episode 6: You Say It’s Your Birthday

Circus owner Reggie Bunkler, who now has a baby arm growing out of his chest, was teaching it how to write when Stoolts came back. As Reggie got up from his desk, we saw that he was also growing a leg out of his crotch. After recovering from this shocking sight, Stoolts explained that roadie Truck Tarkenton had attacked him. (“He knocked me down…and it takes me five minutes to fall down!”) Stoolts threatened to kill Truck; when Reggie protested, Stoolts countered “Well, he killed me first!”

Sasha was prettying herself up in front of her birthday mirror when Gunther Gayfer-Wilhelm came in with a gift for her. After warning him that her accepting the gift did not mean they were in a relationship, she opened it to discover it was his tiger cub Schatzi. Gunther explained that, after Schatzi’s death, he had her stuffed by the finest German engineers, who put in a special microchip. Sasha cried that she couldn’t take Schatzi, fearing that she would destroy her all over again. She then did an interpretive dance which ended with her drop-kicking and then stomping on Schatzi.

Bearded lady Deb Henderson came to Truck’s workshop to confront him about his attack on Stoolts. He explained that he did it because he loved her…and the ultimate expression of love is killing a guy and taking his girl. Deb was disturbed by this talk of killing, but Truck reassured her that he would never kill her…unless she left him.

Since his mother had placed a curse on the circus, Viktor Busliftor had set up a laboratory and had managed to concoct a crystalline formula to absorb the curse like kitty litter. A drunken Stoolts wandered by and assumed Viktor had made a meth lab.

Sasha told Reggie that she had devised a special act for her birthday, which would end with the release of 100 white doves. Reggie protested that that was too expensive…at $483 per dove, that would be four grand. Sasha pointed out the error in his math. (“And you wonder why the circus is in trouble!”)

Gunther came to see Truck for advice on his relationship with Sasha. Gunther confessed that he was so smitten by Sasha, he had let his own act suffer so he wouldn’t outshine her. He used to have an act even more spectacular than hers…tigers on the high wire! Truck had no memory of this act, but then he was drunk most of the time. Truck advised Gunther to stop taking a backseat to her, and instead show her who’s the man.

Viktor was spreading the curse-bait around the perimeter of the circus when Sasha came by. Out of nowhere, Viktor confessed that he’d like to start experiencing all that life has to offer, starting with marijuana. She told him he could get some from Truck. Viktor then explained about his curse-bait, and warned her to stay away from it. She suggested he should put up a warning sign. (“No, then the curse will know it is there!”)

Deb came to see Reggie, terrified that somebody was going to be killed. Reggie told her that it was all her fault for leading on Truck. She lamented that she couldn’t break Stoolts’ heart, especially since it was his birthday as well (and nobody had noticed because Sasha was getting all the attention). Reggie suggested that she could bake Stoolts a special cake, and warn him about Truck’s threat by writing a secret message in the icing.

Sasha was practicing in the center ring when Stoolts came by, furious that her birthday was outshining his. He was so upset, he yanked off his red nose and threw it at her.

Truck was building a bomb in his workshop when Viktor came by to score some weed. Truck offered him some of his finest Siamese Kush, grown by Siamese twins. Truck explained that smoking this would let him see the future with one eye and the past with the other. When Viktor remarked that that seemed like a pretty heavy trip for his first time, Truck told him that he needs to see the future and the past in order to live in the now. Viktor bought the dope.

Gunther found the despondent Stoolts lamenting the loss of his nose. Gunther assuring the clown that no matter what else Stoolts may have lost, he had at least one true friend in him. (“I’d take a bullet for you.” “For me or from me?”)

Deb came to Sasha’s trailer to wish her a happy birthday and possibly bury the hatchet. Sasha accepted Deb’s peace offering, and in return, she let Deb look into her special Bolivian birthday mirror, which makes everything look more beautiful.

Reggie informed Truck that he would be leaving town for a circus managers’ conference, and he would be leaving Truck in charge during his absence. Truck declared that he had some changes in mind. Seeing the gleam in Truck’s eyes, Reggie demanded that he turn in his wrench so that he couldn’t do too much damage. Truck protested that he’d inherited that wrench from his grandfather, who went down on the Titanic. Reggie pointed out that the Titanic’s sinking only proved that a wrench can’t fix everything.

Viktor was getting high in the park when a passing stoner asked for a hit. The stoner then saw his childhood and his future offspring simultaneously, freaked out, and left. Gunther came by and took a puff, but he was okay with it. Gunther attempted warn Viktor that Stoolts might hurt somebody, but he was so stoned that he had to say his punctuation out loud as he spoke. Then they started playing hackey-sack with Stoolts’ red nose.

Truck brought Sasha a flatiron for her eyelashes, and wished her a happy birthday. Sasha replied by saying “Happy birthday” in turn, then went into a stand-up routine about saying the same thing back to people even when it’s an inappropriate response.

Stoolts was wandering around when Reggie came by to wish him a happy birthday. The drunken Stoolts mistook Reggie for Truck and hit him with his helmet. Stoolts complained about always getting the shitty end of the birthday cake—that last piece from the corner with the too-sugary rose. Ironically, Reggie had brought that very piece. Just then, Deb came in with a gift for Stoolts—his nose. As she put it back on his face, Stoolts realized it was true love. He proposed by placing his beer bottle on her finger.


Wednesday, June 3, 2009

Season 14, Episode 5: Arms and the Man

Episode 5: Arms and the Man

Daredevil Robbie ‘Bad Decisions’ Knisions and Sealman Rushdie were recuperating from their respective injuries in the circus’ infirmary. Having been clubbed by Irina Busliftor, Sealman needed a skull transplant—or, failing that, he could take Robbie’s helmet. Robbie explained that, after his numerous head injuries, his helmet was the only thing holding his brain inside his head…just as his spandex jumpsuit was the only thing holding his body together (having donated all his skin for grafts for all the kids he’d burned in his last stunt). Robbie lamented that he could never be naked again.

Circus owner Reggie Bunkler was in his office when Robbie came in and punched him for not visiting him in the infirmary. After Robbie left, Mrs. Busliftor entered and took all the money from the Swear Jar. She informed him that she had come to take her son Viktor back to Russia, explaining that her homeland needed a strong man to take charge, so she was going to reinstate him as the new Czar. She then revealed that she was prepared to buy Viktor’s freedom with sex, placing her leg on Reggie’s desk Mrs. Robinson-style. Reggie was repulsed yet transfixed by her attempt to seduce him.

Truck Tarkenton was apologizing to Stoolts for having dinner with Stoolts’ girlfriend Deb Henderson, explaining that it was a blind date and that he didn’t know he was being fixed up with Deb. Stoolts warned that he would kill Truck if Truck saw Deb again.

Deb and Viktor were having tea together. Viktor rhapsodized on the superiority of Asian tea to European tea, explaining that Oolong was “honest tea.” Deb replied that she admired honesty.

Reggie ran to the infirmary, panicked by his encounter with Mrs. Busliftor. He started to tell Sealman about it, but found he could only express his dismay by breaking into a song titled “I Feel So Dirty.”

Viktor looked in his refrigerator for some water and was shocked to discover a bottle of vodka and a box of condoms. He confronted his mother about her drinking and whoring, and she explained that she had done it for the sake of his freedom. He retorted that he didn’t want to go back to Russia—if she wants to take him back, she would have to drag him there until he dies. He continued by explaining that he didn’t want to rule Russia; he was content with the small pleasure that came from an audience’s applause. She proposed that they compromise by taking over America instead.

Deb was giving Robbie a shoulder rub (as therapy for his injury, nothing else) and asking advice on her relationship with Stoolts. Robbie, true to his ‘Bad Decisions’ nickname, recommended that she keep moving from one relationship to the next before they get stale. Just then, Stoolts came in to break the news about Reggie’s encounter with Mrs. Busliftor. Seeing Deb with her hands on Robbie’s shoulders, he called her a “bearded hooker.”

Truck came to Reggie’s office and found Reggie in a state of shock. When Reggie explained how Mrs. Busliftor had seduced him, Truck was awestruck. He explained that he’d heard rumors about Mrs. Busliftor’s amazing sexual powers—her vagina was a healer. Truck reported that the one-armed Def Leppard drummer used to have no arms at all before he slept with her. When Reggie protested that he didn’t feel healed, Truck reassured him that in the morning, Reggie would wake up as a brand new man, “Reggie 2.0.”

The next morning, Reggie woke up to discover a baby arm growing out of his chest. He screamed in anguish.

Viktor came to see Sealman to discuss what to do about Viktor’s mother. They realized that they needed to get rid of her, but couldn’t figure out how to do it. Sealman suggested that they could arrange an “accident” by using the most accident-prone person in the circus: Robbie ‘Bad Decisions’ Knisions.

Fed up with Stoolts’ jealousy, Deb ran to Truck for help. Truck informed her that Stoolts had threatened his life, and that he might have to kill Stoolts first for their own protection. Deb was outwardly dismayed, but secretly attracted by Truck’s dangerous bad-boy persona. (“Your mouth says no, but your breasts say yes.”)

Irina Busliftor encountered Stoolts and was impressed by his stature. Since her son was unwilling to take up the mantle of Czar, she asked Stoolts to come to Russia and take power with her. Confused, Stoolts started asking many questions about how the Russian election process worked, until Irina cut him off by saying that he was thinking too much. Stoolts took that as a compliment.

Robbie was practicing his newest stunt, riding his bike while lifting a barbell. Viktor and Sealman came to see him and were surprised to see Robbie stealing Viktor’s act. Robbie boasted that he could do the work of everybody in the circus: He has Viktor’s strength, Sealman’s musical talent, and Deb’s facial hair. And he toured with the Scorpions, just like Truck.

Reggie came to Deb’s trailer, hoping that Truck could help him with his new third arm. As Reggie and Deb talked, she opened up about her relationship problems. Reggie advised her to ignore Robbie’s advice and follow her heart. In turn, she suggested that Reggie follow his baby arm. The baby arm gripped Reggie’s finger, and he was suddenly filled with parental pride.

In preparation for his new position as Czar, Stoolts was practicing Russian jokes. Caught up in his monologue, he failed to notice Truck sneaking up behind him with a wrench. Truck swung the wrench, and Stoolts went down like a giant redwood.

Irina Busliftor was sitting in the empty center ring, singing Russian songs and basking in the imaginary applause. Sealman and Robbie sneaked in to eliminate her, but upon seeing her, Robbie was instantly smitten. Robbie took her in his arms and blew on her pinwheel (no, that’s not a metaphor). Just then, Viktor entered, shocked by the sight. Irina broke away from Robbie’s embrace, fed up with all the craziness. She placed a Russian curse on the entire circus: “May your child’s arms grow out of your chests, and may death befall you all!” With that, she vanished in a puff of smoke, to Robbie’s dismay and Viktor’s relief.


Tuesday, May 26, 2009

Season 14, Episode 4: Mother Russia

Episode 4: Mother Russia

Circus owner Reggie Bunkler called a meeting of the entire staff, explaining that the circus needed to change its name to duck all the lawsuits against it. Everyone began brainstorming new names. Viktor suggested “Smokey and the Bandit.” Truck proposed “The Guaranteed Somebody’s Gonna Die Circus.” Sasha offered “The Sasha Experience.” Deb countered with “The Sasha’s a Big Bitch Experience.”

Stoolts asked Gunther Gayfer-Wilhelm for advice on his girl troubles, explaining that Deb had caught him talking to Sasha and getting an erection. (“Now she’s gonna leave me, and we were gonna open a pizza place someday!”) The conversation drifted onto the subject of pizza.

Sasha and Sealman were having ice cream together and discussing the circus’ new name. Sealman considered a meaningless, one-word name like upscale restaurants use. When Sasha suggested that he write down his ideas, he confessed that he couldn’t read or write…and he needed to learn so that he could realize his dream of joining the Atlanta Sympathy Orchestra. Sasha told him that he first needed to get rid of his defeatist attitude.

Strongman Viktor Busliftor came to Truck’s workshop, where Truck was sawing off the end of a shotgun. Truck proposed a new act, where Viktor would set his mustache on fire, and Truck would put it out with a shotgun. Viktor replied that he had done that before—that was how his face got the way it is now. They discussed the possibility of Viktor getting a face transplant.

Reggie called Deb into his office to discuss the decline in her customer-service skills. She explained that she’d been preoccupied with her relationship with Stoolts. When Reggie pointed out that fraternization between co-workers was against the rules, she protested “I’m a bearded lady! If I don’t get any here, I’m not gonna get any anywhere!” She then explained that her jealousy over Sasha had driven her into a murderous rage, and she suggested that she put that rage to good use by becoming the circus’ official hitman. Reggie replied that he didn’t need anyone killed, then tried to calm her down by setting her up on a blind date.

Sasha and Gunther had a heart-to-heart about their love/hate relationship. She explained that she could not deal with his beauty, as it drew attention away from her. As they bickered, the sexual tension grew until they threw themselves into each other’s arms.

Sealman and Truck were watching girls walk by, making lewd comments.

Deb was in her train car, angrily baking rat-poison treats, when Stoolts came by to apologize for his encounter with Sasha. (“It wasn’t like my pants were down…because I can’t take my clothes off.”) He then explained that he couldn’t help it if Sasha’s attracted to him—after all, he’s tall, sensitive, and has read all the ‘Twilight’ novels.

Reggie called Viktor to his office, where Viktor asked Reggie the purpose of Reggie’s ‘Swear Jar.’ Reggie explained that he kept the circus clean by making everybody put in money when they use profanity, and that money would go to the performers (in the form of a skee-ball party) at the end of the year. They then turned to a more pressing matter—the impending visit by Viktor’s mother. Just then, Mrs. Busliftor arrived, screeching her son’s name. Reggie mistook the shrill, blaring cry for an elephant’s death rattle.

Later, Viktor was showing his mother around the circus, though she was unimpressed. She wanted him to return to Russia, declaring that he’s wasting away and becoming a decadent American. As proof, she pointed out that he now smells of Old Spice.

In Gunther’s train car, Sasha and Gunther were attempting to keep their passion under control. She declared that it would never work out, as she knows from his flamboyant costumes and luxurious hair that he’s gay. When he protested that she was stereotyping him, she pointed out that his very name is “Gayfer.” He insisted that his attraction for her was real, and they lay down upon Gunther’s tiny bed. Having to assume a contorted pose to fit on the bed, Sasha worried that everybody could see her butt.

Deb was prettying herself up when her blind date arrived—Truck Tarkenton. Truck gave her some flowers, and she served her special Chicken Royale recipe (chicken and green beans). Just then, Stoolts came by to share the news that Sasha had shown her butt to everyone. Seeing Deb and Truck together, Stoolts shouted “What the fuck’s going on?” Then he threw some money towards the Swear Jar, since he couldn’t walk that far.

Afterwards, Stoolts poured out his heart to Sealman, who declared that he was going to make a man of Stoolts by finding another woman for him. Just then, Irina Busliftor walked by. When Sealman approached her to fix her up with Stoolts, she clubbed Sealman with a large bone.

Leaving their respective liaisons, Sasha and Deb ran into each other. They argued and insulted each other viciously.

Viktor and Gunther were playing ping-pong and discussing Mrs. Busliftor’s visit. When Viktor complained that his mother drives him crazy, Gunther sympathetically replied that he doesn’t love his parents either. Viktor clarified that he wasn’t going that far—he never said he didn’t love his mother, just that she drove him crazy. Gunther further explained that he and his parents were emotionally cut off from each other—Gunther is carrying on his family lion-taming tradition, though his father isn’t there to see it. Viktor suggested that Gunther mend fences with his parents, then realized he should take his own advice. They then came up with an idea for a new act—Gunther would move from lion-taming to mother-taming.

Truck was telling Reggie about his date with Deb. (“We had chicken and green beans from a can, then she got in a fight with her boyfriend. Best date ever.”) Grateful for Reggie fixing them up, Truck said that he owed Reggie a big debt and would do anything to pay him back. Reggie immediately called in that favor, explaining that Sealman had been clubbed…and since the circus couldn’t afford a vet, they needed Truck to check him for brain damage.

Reggie revealed the circus’ new name: “The Smokey and the Bandit Imminent Death Family Circus.”

Stoolts picked up Mrs. Busliftor for their date, hoping that she would soon segue into speaking English like in ‘Hunt for Red October.’

Taking the stage for his big number, the injured Sealman sang a chorus of “Sunday Bloody Sunday,” then immediately collapsed.


Wednesday, May 20, 2009

Season 14, Episode 3: Mail Call

Episode 3: Mail Call

Daredevil Robbie ‘Bad Decisions’ Kniesions prepared for his greatest stunt ever: jumping his bike over eight burning short buses full of special-needs kids. While the jump itself went off without a hitch, the fire-extinguishing foam in his exhaust pipe failed to go off.

One week later, circus owner Reggie Bunkler was in his office looking over the many lawsuits filed by the kids’ families. Roadie Truck Tarkenton pointed out that Robbie’s stunt was fundamentally flawed, in that motorcycle exhaust pipes are not fire extinguishers. Truck then took the list of the plaintiffs’ names and addresses, telling Reggie that he’s better off not knowing what Truck plans to do.

Animal trainer Gunther Gayfer-Wilhelm was attempting to train Sealman Rushdie to jump through a hoop, despite Sealman’s protests that he’s a musician, not a stunt performer. Gunther cried that he needed a new act to overcome his heartbreak over the loss of his tiger cub Schatzi (whose death Gunther still believed to be an accident). Sealman tried to inspire Gunther with a ballad about life: “You Swim With the Current, Swim Against the Tide.”

Bearded lady Deb Henderson and strongman Viktor Busliftor were working the crowd with their “Guess Your Wallet” game (with Deb using her X-ray vision to scan the contents of a volunteer’s purse). When Deb guessed incorrectly, Viktor called off the act as Deb wondered how her powers could have failed. Just then, Truck brought them some mail. Deb’s letter was from her mother, Delta Burke, demanding that Deb stop using her name and bringing shame to the family. Viktor’s letter was even worse news—his mother is coming to visit.

Stoolts and Robbie were having coffee together. Never having tasted coffee before, Stoolts didn’t know not to down five shots of espresso in one gulp. Hopped-up on caffeine, Stoolts began moving so fast that it was as if Robbie was in slow-motion.

Aerialist Sasha was meditating in her train cart when Truck came in to bring her a letter. She angrily scolded him for interrupting her meditation. (“Don’t you know I could have gotten stuck in another dimension?”) He explained that, even though he’s been screening her fan-mail, he believed this one was personal. Sasha read the letter, which turned out to be from a morbidly obese 12-year-old girl who idolizes Sasha and wants to be like her. Sasha ranted even more furiously over his bringing her a fan letter.

Viktor came into Reggie’s office to warn him about the impending visit from Viktor’s mother. Viktor explains that once she comes, she will never leave until she takes over the circus as its new star attraction. When Reggie asked what makes her such a big deal, Viktor explained “She glows in the dark, to begin with.”

Sealman was practicing his moves when Truck came in with a letter. Since Sealman couldn’t open it with his flippers, Truck read it for him: “Sealman, your days are numbered. I will eat you. Frank.” To explain this threat, Sealman dropped some mysterious hints about his past:

SEALMAN: “There’s a reason they call it the deadliest catch.”
TRUCK: “Crabs?”

Having taken Sealman’s song to heart, Gunther decided to leave the circus and go off to “swim with the current.” Truck came by with a letter, but Gunther just walked on by.

Deb was baking cookies when Stoolts ran in, still on his caffeine high. Deb told him about the letter from her mother, lamenting “Delta Burke doesn’t want a freak for a daughter.” Stoolts replied “Well, I want a freak for a wife.” They discussed going on the run together, like Bonnie and Clyde (or maybe Clyde and Clyde).

Sasha and Robbie were bickering, though they knew their mutual dislike was based on his sexual frustration. He’d lost his penis in a stunt, jumping over angry crabs, and since then he could only get phantom-limb erections. Just then, Truck brought in a letter for Robbie, reading “Please jump over the ice-cream man. He’s weird.” Comparing the handwriting on their letters, Sasha deduced that the same obese child had written Robbie’s letter, presumably so she could steal the ice cream after Robbie’s stunt scares off the ice-cream man.

Sealman came into Reggie’s office, gripped with fear for the first time in his life. He explained that Frank was after him…then stated that FRANK wasn’t a person, but an acronym.

Viktor went to see Stoolts for advice about his mother’s upcoming visit. Stoolts shared something his father had told him: “If you’re ever in a situation where your life is in danger, you better have lived a good life.” When Viktor explained that it wasn’t their lives so much as their livelihoods that were threatened, Stoolts said that in that case, it’s time to fuck people up.

As he walked away, Gunther realized that he couldn’t leave without saying goodbye to Truck. He turned around and returned to the circus.

Robbie and Sasha asked Truck to help them get into the mail train so they could find out where these crazy letters were coming from. Robbie kept interrupting as Sasha tried to explain the situation, until she got fed up and cut him out of the plan. Robbie replied that he’d been deliberately inept so that she’d leave him out of it.

Sasha then went to Viktor to enlist his help with her mail-train scheme. When Viktor told her about his own letter, she asked to see the handwriting on it. Unfortunately, he didn’t have it on him.

Stoolts was practicing some jokes when Deb came by to tell him that, despite his proposal, she was upset that he’d called her a freak. When he said “Chill out, ZZ Top,” she got even angrier. Stoolts was excited and aroused by the fact that they were having their first fight.

Robbie snuck into Reggie’s office to get back his bike (which Reggie had confiscated after the disastrous stunt). When the noise woke up Reggie, Reggie warned Robbie that he’d have to pay for disfiguring those 300 kids. Reggie then explained that he had made a deal to settle the suit…all the kids’ skin grafts would come from Robbie himself. Faced with the choice of losing his skin or being cut from the show, Robbie agreed to give up his skin.

Gunther came to say goodbye to Truck, but after speaking to him, Gunther decided to stay with the circus after all. Truck started to confess that he had killed Schatzi, but then remembered he still had a letter for Gunther. Gunther read it: “Meow! Help me! Isabelle, the white tiger from the Dunwoody Circus.” Realizing that Isabelle (Schatzi’s grandmother) was in trouble, Gunther swore to rescue her. Truck agreed to help, to make up for killing Schatzi.

Sasha talked Stoolts into helping her break into the mail train, and they began flirting with each other. Just then, Deb walked in and saw them together. Playing innocent, Stoolts turned to Sasha and shouted “Get away from me, you hooker!”


Tuesday, May 12, 2009

Season 14, Episode 2: Bad Decisions

Episode 2: Bad Decisions

Talking sea lion Sealman Rushdie were relaxing by the pool as the bearded lady Deb Henderson congratulated him on his performance. He explained that every time he plays the horns, he puts his sould into it, and a little bit of his soul drifts out into the troposphere. Worried that he might lose his soul entirely, Deb suggested that he quit and go back to the sea. When he replied that it wasn’t safe for him to return, she sympathized, explaining that she could no longer go back home to Chatsworth since she was part of a prostitution ring there. Sealman was impressed (and attracted) by the revelation of her dark side.

Daredevil Robbie “Bad Decisions” Kniesions was preparing to jump his bike over a dozen angry porcupines when circus owner Reggie Bunkler came by to discuss the budget. Robbie suggested an idea that could get them grant money: He would jump his bike over 8 buses full of special-needs kids, with the buses set on fire; his bike would then spray fire-extinguisher foam on them, and then the circus would be rewarded for saving the children. Reggie warned Robbie that the stunt was too dangerous for a man in Robbie’s condition—he’d had so many head injuries that his helmet was the only thing holding his brains in. Robbie angrily insisted that nobody would stop him.

Strongman Viktor Busliftor was holding up the big top as roadie Truck Tarkenton repaired the bolts. Viktor asked Truck for a favor…he needed Truck to mail a card to his mother in Russia. Viktor warned that if he doesn’t get the card in the mailbox today, the entire circus could die.

Animal trainer Gunther Gayfer-Wilhelm and trapeze artist Sasha were shopping in the Food Lion and arguing about their billing status. Tired of the bickering, Sasha decided they should have a final showdown to decide who is the better performer.

Robbie and Sealman were recruiting special kids for the stunt, when Robbie made a bigoted anti-sea-lion remark and a fight broke out. After the melee, Robbie explained that his father had died when he swerved his bike to avoid a seal, then crashed into a box of glass. Ever since then, he’s held a grudge against aquatic mammals…but he wants to change. Sealman accepted his apology…but when Robbie referred to the special kids as “tards,” Sealman started beating him up again.

Sasha was rehearsing on the trapeze when Truck swung by on a zip-line to work on the lights. Impressed by his skill, she told him about her challenge to Gunther. She could see two ways of outdoing Gunther’s act—either she and Truck could work out an incredible aerial act together, or Truck could kill Gunther’s star tiger cub Schatzi. (“I could just twist its neck like a pickle jar…a furry pickle jar that coughs up blood.”)

Reggie Bunkler called a meeting of the entire circus, informing them that their fairground permit had been revoked, and they would have to perform at an abandoned chemical storage plant. Sasha proposed that the circus could save money by firing everybody except her. A massive argument broke out among everybody, until Reggie pulled them all together with an inspirational speech.

Deb had baked some borscht pastries for Viktor, who was amazed by the taste of Russia. As they discussed the circus’ future, Viktor explained that he wasn’t worried about anything, as long as his mother gets her card. Just then, Truck ran by the thent in a panic. When Deb remarked on Truck’s speed, Viktor realized that she could see through the tent. He suggested that she use her X-ray vision to help the circus, by guessing the contents of the patrons’ wallets (then claiming it as a prize for guessing correctly). Deb protested that she didn’t want her super-powers to be known, because she was afraid of scientists cutting her brain open.

Truck ran to Gunther for help, explaining that he needed to get to the post office super-fast before it was too late. Gunther told him to ride his tiger Schatzi. (“Her backbone is strong, though her neck is weak.”) Torn between his earlier discussion with Sasha and the trust Gunther had placed in him, Truck tearfully rode off.

When Robbie mocked Sealman’s performance of “Stairway to Heaven,” Sealman retorted by insulting Robbie’s spandex-clad physique. (“I have a thyroid condition!”) Robbie began a monologue on the stressful life of a daredevil, and his constant attempts to live up to his father’s reputation through more and more dangerous stunts.

At the Food Lion, Gunther and Sasha faced off for their challenge. Gunther suggested that, rather than fight each other, they unite against a common enemy—the circus itself. Just then, Reggie rushed in to stop the fight, and they confronted him about their pay. Viktor and Deb came in to do some shopping, buying sirloin and arugala for Deb’s latest recipe. Reggie was shocked that they could afford it, and Viktor explained their new “Guess Your Wallet” game.

Sasha confessed to Gunther that she had urged Truck to kill Schatzi. Just then, Truck wandered by, staring in shock at his hands. Assuming the worst, Sasha offered to replace Schatzi by dressing in a cat costume and becoming part of his act. Suddenly, Sealman Rushdie rushed in and declared that he had solved the circus’ financial woes—he had raised $34,000 by pickpocketing all the special-needs kids.


Sunday, May 3, 2009

Season 14, Episode 1: Here Comes the Circus

Episode 1: Here Comes the Circus

Reggie Bunkler, recent inheritor of the Bunkler Brothers Family Circus, was going over some paperwork in his office when Mr. Bibby the clown knocked on the door. Bibby revealed that he was in desperate need of new kidneys, and needed help from Bunkler because the circus doesn’t provide health insurance. Bunkler explained that he couldn’t afford to help him, because the circus was a half a million dollars in debt. Bibby responded with a sad note on his slide-whistle.

Sasha, the circus’ star acrobat/trapeze artist was stretching in her trailer when Russian strongman Viktor Busliftor knocked on the door. They engaged in a little flirtation, finally proposing a picnic with champagne and strawberries (“nature’s kidneys”).

In the tiger’s den, animal trainer Gunther Gayfer-Wilhelm had just finished delivering a new tiger cub, whom he named Schatzi. He informed the cub that it would be replacing its mother as the circus’ new attraction—sadly, he would soon have to put down the mother tiger to harvest a replacement kidney for Mr. Bibby. Just then, the bearded lady Deb Henderson arrived, complaining about Bibby’s return. (“He only comes around when he wants something!”) Gunther let her hold the newborn cub.

Stoolts the clown was preparing for his act, as Truck the roadie did some adjustments to his stool-stilts. Stoolts reminisced about his humble beginnings, explaining that when he was a child, his mother put him in a crate of cherry bombs, accidentally blowing off his legs. To replace his lost limbs, his father attached two stools to his stumps, and since then, he’s made himself an inspiration to legless kids everywhere.

Sealman Rushdie, the talking sea lion, was rehearsing his new act: a rousing rendition of “All Along the Watchtower.” Mr. Bibby arrived and informed Sealman that he needed a new kidney…and he was willing to resort to desperate measures. (“Sometimes it’s an eat-world-eat world. It’s an eye for an eat!”) Sealman and Bibby began fighting, with Sealman finally knocking the clown down.

Viktor and Sasha were walking the tightrope, as Viktor reflected that this was a bad idea after a champagne picnic. However, it was the only way he could work up the nerve to win her heart. Upset by his presumptiousness, Sasha declared that her heart was not for the taking.

Truck and Deb complimented each other on their facial hair.

Gunther Gayfer-Wilhelm entered Bunkler’s trailer to inform him that he had harvested his tiger’s kidney for Mr. Bibby. Shocked, Bunkler exclaimed that he didn’t have to do that…he’d explained before that it was a 50/50 chance they’d need it. Tragically, with Gunther’s poor grasp of English, he had thought Bibby needed 50 kidneys, of which this would be the first. Despondent, Gunther sang a song about how much his tiger meant to him.

Sasha ran into Mr. Bibby and asked him about his condition. (“I have about 45-60 minutes left.”) She informed him that she had three kidneys, and that she would gladly give him one—if he could find it. Bibby searched her, and finally realized that the kidney was in her kiss. As they embraced, Viktor walked in.

Sealman and Stoolts were racing to get the last fish sandwich in the snack bar. Sealman easily beat Stoolts, but decided to share the sandwich because Stoolts was the only human who truly understood him.

Victor asked why Sasha had left him on the high wire, especially since he couldn’t turn around to see she had left. She apologized, explaining that she flees whenever things get intense. Interrupting, Bibby observed how muscular Viktor’s kidney area was. He challenged Viktor for his kidney, and they played tug-of-war by grabbing Sasha’s arms. In the end, Viktor released his grip, and Bibby mocked Viktor’s “weakness.”

Gunther came to see Truck, in need of his mechanical expertise. Gunther explained that he had removed his tiger’s kidney, and he needed a robotic replacement. After an extended period of confusion as to whether he needed a replacement kidney or a replacement tiger, Gunther pointed out that a kidney wouldn’t provide much of a show for the audience, so he needed an entire robotic tiger. When Truck pointed out that the weight of a robot tiger would surely crush him, Gunther contemplated some way of getting Viktor’s strength.

Stoolts went to visit Deb in her trailer.

DEB: “Guess what I made for you?”
STOOLTS: “A baby?”

She replied that, despite their night of passion, that wasn’t what she was talking about. Instead, she’d baked him a Coca-Cola cake. He declared it delicious, THEN took a bite. (“Yeah, I was right!”)

Sealman Rushdie came into Reggie Bunkler’s office to request vacation time for the upcoming mating season. Bunkler replied that, with the circus’ financial situation, the best he could do would be to give him upaid leave. Furious, Sealman accused Bunkler of discriminating against him because he’s an animal. (As if to prove the point, Viktor interrupted and asked for the rest of the week off, and Bunkler agreed.) Sealman threatened to quit, saying that he’d been working out some new moves to audition for Cirque du Soleil. Sealman then demonstrated his new act.

Viktor was standing on top of the circus train, contemplating his loss of the tug-of-war and considering suicide. He speculated that the Chernobyl radiation that had given him his strength was wearing off, and decided to go through airport security and get too many X-rays. Just then, Stoolts walked by to offer a sympathetic ear. After assuring Viktor that he was the strongest man both inside and out, Stoolts went on to explain that suicide was no solution: “I tried jumping off the train myself. It didn’t work…I was taller than it.”

Basking in the afterglow with Mr. Bibby, Sasha suddenly realized that Bibby had taken her third kidney during their passionate encounter. Furious, she accused him of using her, and he readily agreed. Now that he had what he wanted, it was time for him to move on. He left her his hat as a parting gift, and said that perhaps one day he’d return and fix this circus. Sasha angrily replied “This fircus is unsixable!”


The New Season Begins!

The new season of SCANDAL! has just begun at Dad's Garage Theatre Company, so let the synopses begin!

This season, SCANDAL! takes us under the big top, at the Bunkler Brothers Family Circus. And now, our cast of characters:

REGGIE BUNKLER, "The Owner" (Matt Horgan)
Reggie Bunkler very recently inherited the ownership and General Manager duties for the Bunkler Bros. Family Circus due to an unfortunate and not-well-thought-out deathbed promise to his father. He left 24 years and a directorship at FedEx to come here and not a day goes by that he doesn't kick himself in the nuts about it. But now that he is here, he might as well whip this motley crew of addicts, freaks, and pervers into business shape!

SASHA, "The Star" (Amber Nash)
Sasha dazzles audiences weekly with her high flying, heart pounding, hormone dripping, humanly impossible feats. Whether on the trapeze or contorting her body on the back of an elephant that has been set ablaze, it's a show not to be missed.

GUNTHER GAYFER-WILHELM, "The Lion Tamer" (Rene Dellefont)
Born in the small town of Wiener-Neustadt, Austria, Gunther Gayfer-Wilhelm always had an incredible rapport with animals, especially cats. Gunther joined the world of the circus in 1969 when he ran off with the Herzog Zirkus of Dusseldorf. A self-taught pussy tamer, Gayfer-Wilhelm's fame peaked in the late '70s after joining the Bunkler Bros. Family Circus. After Sasha the sizzling new trapeze artist joined the Bunkler Bros., Gayfer-Wilhelm found his top-billing status decline to second-billing.

COREY CLARK a.k.a. STOOLTS, "The Clown" (Mike Schatz)
Corey Clark from Cartersville, Georgia refers to himself as a "Circus Spectacle." As a child, Corey lost both of his legs when his mother placed him in a crate of cherry bombs in the family-owned fireworks sotre. Now he stands high above his fellow performers as the clown on stilts--or in Corey's case, two stools that are not only the main feature of his act, but also serve as his prosthetic legs. Corey is as friendly as he can be and completely content with the world he lives in, despite the fact that he cannot sit or lay down...probably due to the years of pain pills. He loves his view of the world and it is his innocence that leads people to take advantage of him. He is often talked into doing things that go against his better judgment so as not to let anyone down.

SEALMAN RUSHDIE, "The Circus Sea Lion" (Dan Triandiflou)
Sealman Rushdie is a nomad; a gypsy soul. His real name? Wouldn't you like to know? He lost his Mom at an early age (to a Grape Shasta six-pack holder) and he never knew his Dad. He goes wherever the current or music takes him. A virtuoso of the horns, his repertoire crosses all genres and preconceived notions. Whether it's Mozart or Mos Def, it's all a hot, wet jam! After being dragged to land in a trawl net that was owned by an underground Japanese poaching syndicate, he convinced his captors to let him live by playing Baba O'Riley on an assortment of empty Coca-Cola bottles. They agreed, at which point he mauled them to death. Soon, he was persued all over the ocean as a vigilante, a renegade. He emerged every now and then to play gigs and make some fish. He was discovered at Blind Willie's, and was lured to the circus by the prospect of a steady herring supply in a landlocked city. However, deep down Sealman knows that in his world, the peace never lasts long.

DEBORAH 'DEB' HENDERSON, "The Beared Lady" (Megan Leahy)
Deb was on her way to becoming a bright beauty queen in the world of child pageantry when that most dreaded of life's challenges--puberty--hit. Deb's once bright future quickly became darker when the mixture of hormones and Eastern European heritage created a hairy cocktail. To avoid the pain and shame this would bring to her mother, Delta Burke (a former beauty queen herself), Deb decided to find a place she could belon--and a sideshow star was born! Deb has found a wonderful family with the Bunkler Bros. Family Circus and likes to act as its mother hen. There's always a shoulder to cry on and a freshly baked cookie in her train car. Although most of the sideshow acts have been eliminated by the management, Deb is sure her place in the circus is safe. She's been around a long time and though she may not be a star, she still shines brightly.

VIKTOR BUSLIFTOR, "The Strongman" (Matt Stanton)
Viktor, age 44, escaped capitalist Russia in 2003. His quest to lift entire families in SUVs led Viktor to Atlanta, where he first manually operated the sky lift at Stone Mountain. He is found of a challenge, sporting his onesie 24/7 and can be counted on to help anyone move into a new place. Smelling of sports cream and onions, the Busliftor trailer has seen some wild times. Will he ever regain his youth?

TRUCKSTOP TARKENTON a.k.a. TRUCK, "The Roadie" (Randy Havens)
Truck is a professional roadie. He's toured with Maiden, the Nuge...all the greats. In the mid-'80s he left the rock world behind and began his search for "something magical." The Bunkler Bros. Family Circus is where he's ended up. He considers himself a sort of peace-keeper at the circus, playing mediator in all manner of circus disputes. He's also in charge of giving backstage passes to audience members that the performers want to f***.

HORATIO BARNSWALLOW, "The Ringmaster" (Lucky Yates)
Horatio Barnswallow has been with the Bunkler Bros. Family Circus for 35 years. He started out as a "scoop boy" following Dolly the Elephant everywhere she went. Soon he became a clown's assistant, then a Junior Cannonballer, and finally after Ezekial Kretch suffered a heart attack mid-show, Horatio took the reins as Ringmaster and never looked back. Sure, there might be some more expensive, fancy-pants circuses out there, but Horatio thinks that the Bunkler Bros. Family Circus is as good as it should get.

Friday, March 27, 2009

Season 12, Episode 14: Full House/Two Pair

And now, the final episode of Season 12...and since I started off this archive with Season 13, we are now all caught up with the past SCANDAL! summaries. Season 14 begins in May, so I'll return with the new synopses then. See you at Dad's Garage!

Episode 14: Full House/Two Pair

In the great room, Bixie Biederback was preparing to announce which of the contestants had won Iceland, when producer Vivian LaDouche burst in with an announcement. The network had been bought by Spike TV, and to conform to Spike standards, they would need to have 42 nut-kicks, 20 sexual encounters, and 10 fires before the end of the show…so get cracking. This would have to be the most outrageous episode ever, or they were all finished. Poncey Highland responded by kicking Vivian in the crotch. (“41 more!”)

Cameraman Lance Belligui was filming Miller at work at Hello Pizza Kitty, discussing Vivian’s new demands. Lance assured Miller that he didn’t have anything to worry about…all Miller had to do is get high, and outrageous stuff is bound to happen.

Dorothy was doing some spring cleaning in her trash can when Poncey came by. She explained that she wasn’t worried about satisfying Vivian and winning the prize, since she could get along just fine without Iceland. Poncey pointed out that Iceland has magical powers, but she responded that she had powers of her own, and demonstrated by wishing her umbrella to come to her. Poncey asked if she could grant his wish of getting his pet-grooming salon back, and she told him that the power was within himself.

In her office, Bixie was arguing with Vivian about his interference with the show, but Vivian was too busy talking with the Spike executives on his cell phone. After finishing the call, Vivian let her in on his big secret: He never intended to give away Iceland at all; instead, he planned a REAL big finish. When all the contestants are gathered in the sauna for the “announcement,” they’ll be gassed to death…a sure-fire ratings-grabber. When Bixie objected, he knocked her out and stole her glasses.

Miller and Dorothy were up on the roof, discussing their plans for the future. Miller figured that, once the show was over, he could go back to medical school, perhaps in Iceland…and he’d be happy to let her live in the dumpster behind his dorm. Touched by his offer, Dorothy offered him a can of chicken in gravy.

Wandering blindly through the halls, Bixie ran into Poncey. She told him about Vivian’s plans to kill everybody, and he angrily blamed her for leading them to this situation. After calming down, Poncey agreed to guide Bixie to her office. As she walked off in the direction Poncey had pointed her, ominous music played…

Vivian and Lance were in the editing room, going over the footage of Poncey kicking Vivian in the nuts. Just then, they got a phone call from Bob Saget, offering to do funny voice-overs for the nut-kick scene. (“Hang up, he’s tracing the call!”) Vivian then informed Lance that he was planning an ice-cream party in the sauna; he asked Lance to bring the ice-cream…and some 30-weight iron chains to wrap around the doors.

Miller went to Poncey’s room to forge an alliance, and discovered Bixie trapped underneath Poncey’s bed. Poncey told Miller that he’d learned something very important about Bixie. Trying to guess what the secret could be, Miller asked “Bixie, do you have a penis?” She answered “Yes”…she’d been a man all along, but nobody had ever bothered to ask.

Dorothy was in the kitchen when Lance entered. Dorothy confronted him for breaking her heart…she appreciated that he killed his wife for her, but was upset that he hadn’t given her a ring. He told her that he wanted to her to settle down with his family in Iceland, but he needed money to make that happen. She revealed that she had plenty of money saved up, but she never mentioned it because she didn’t want him to love her for her millions. With his financial future secured, Lance proposed…and she accepted.

Vivian LaDouche was up on the roof, talking on the phone with the other network executives about his plans for the finale. Just then, he got another call, which turned out to be…Bob Saget. (“You can’t escape me, LaDouche. Saget knows everything!”) Vivian hung up and returned to his bosses, only to be interrupted by yet another call. (“Saget, you’re fucking dead! Oh, sorry, Mom.”)

In the confession booth, Poncey told Lance that he was having strange feelings now that he’d learned something surprising about Bixie. Before Poncey could explain that Bixie was really a man, the confused Lance attempted to clarify how Poncey should feel by comparing Poncey and Bixie to bears. When that metaphor failed, Lance suggested using monkeys instead.

Dorothy ran into Bixie and gave her the good news about her engagement, explaining that she and Lance were going to be wed in the sauna room. Bixie warned her to stay away from the sauna, explaining all about Vivian’s plan to kill everybody. Bixie offered to stay behind and sacrifice herself to give Dorothy and Lance a chance to escape (“I’ve got nothing to live for anyway”). Dorothy announced that nobody was going to die today. (“I fought in the Korean War, motherfucker!”) Nevertheless, just in case they never saw each other again, Bixie had a farewell gift for Dorothy. With that, Bixie reached into her blouse and pulled out one of her fake boobs. (Dorothy: “Well, I certainly need these!”)

Miller went to Vivian’s office and offered to forge an alliance with him. Vivian agreed (“I’m sure the alliance of an idiotic dopehead will make all the difference”), then instructed Miller how to fulfill his end of the alliance. When everyone is gathered in the sauna, Vivian will announce that Miller is the winner, which will be Miller’s cue to let Vivian out, then bar the door so the other contestants will be a captive audience for Miller’s gloating. They toasted their partnership, with Miller drinking his bongwater.

Bixie ran down to the basement and informed Lance that she’d chartered a bus for him to escape with Dorothy. Lance replied that he would have to check with Dorothy before changing their wedding plans, but Bixie told him to make a decision for himself. She then reached into her blouse and pulled out her other boob.

BIXIE: “Let it give you strength.”
LANCE: “I’ll give it to Dorothy, she really needs it!”

Poncey was relaxing in the hot tub when Dorothy suddenly surfaced, showing off her new breasts. She asked Poncey to plan her wedding, and he replied that he’d do better than that…he’s actually an ordained minister, and would perform the wedding for her. Poncey told her how happy he was for her, though he confessed being sad that he didn’t have anyone for himself. Dorothy replied that God had brought them all together in the same house for a reason…then they broke into a chorus of “Somewhere Out There.”

In his bedroom, Miller was attempting to forge an alliance with himself, but soon found that his stoner misunderstandings made it impossible for anybody to talk to Miller (even Miller himself).

Poncey ran into Bixie’s office, only to find Vivian LaDouche. Vivian was surprised to see a gay man carrying a Bible (“Shouldn’t that be burning you like acid?”). Brushing aside the homophobic comment, Poncey declared that he needed to tell Bixie that he loves him. Vivian was startled to hear Poncey refer to Bixie as “him,” especially since Vivian had slept with Bixie. Just then, the phone rang…it was Bob Saget, telling Vivian that he was watching them right now.

Dorothy and Lance were in the chapel, preparing their vows. He promised to be a good husband, saying that he knew she would love his kids. Dorothy sensed that Lance knew about some kind of danger; remembering Bixie’s escape plan, Lance insisted that they leave right now. Dorothy still had her heart set on getting married in the sauna, but said she might reconsider if Lance gave her a kiss. After some hesitation, Lance gave her a quick little kiss. (“Well, that was very unfulfilling for the audience.”)

Preparing for his trip to Iceland, Miller was packing his bong when Bixie ran in. Bixie attempted to warn him about Vivian’s plan to kill everybody, but Miller kept interrupting with amazed comments about Bixie being a man. Fed up, Bixie told him to go ahead and go to the sauna.

Vivian LaDouche was outside in the hedge maze, trying to escape the surveillance of Bob Saget. Vivian boasted to Saget that he would pull off the biggest stunt ever, and then Saget would see who was the king of reality TV. In response, Bob Saget put Dave Coulier on the line.

By the pool, Poncey and Bixie were discussing the upcoming wedding. Bixie suggested that they accept their true feelings for one another, and make it a double wedding.

BIXIE: “Why did it take us so long? Did it really matter what my gender is?”
PONCEY: “Yes.”

Soon afterwards, everybody was gathered in the sauna for the ceremony. Vivian announced that the winner of Iceland was…everybody! Bixie warned them that he was lying, but Vivian asked if they were going to believe a person who’d lied to everybody about his gender. Poncey went ahead with the ceremony, pronouncing Lance and Dorothy man and wife. After Lance and Dorothy kissed, Poncey married himself to Bixie. As everybody was rejoicing, Miller let Vivian out and then chained the doors shut. Realizing that Vivian’s plan was actually happening, everybody started panicking. Dorothy restored order by announcing that she hadn’t been totally honest with everyone. Dorothy then removed her wig, revealing herself as…Bob Saget!

Saget explained that he had warned Dorothy about Vivian’s plan, and had switched places with her before the ceremony. The real Dorothy was safe outside the house. As the poison gas began to come through the vents, Saget instructed everyone to use their unique talents to save the day. Saget destroyed the lock by making fart noises; Poncey and Miller used their expertise in sucking on things to siphon off the gas; Lance filmed the operation; and Bixie used his power of telephoning the police. Once they were saved, they climbed up on the roof to face Vivian LaDouche. Vivian warned them that he still had one vial of poison gas left and would kill them all. Poncey threw his Bible at Vivian, knocking the vial into Vivian’s mouth and causing him to swallow it. With Vivian dead and everybody else safe, the housemates hailed Bob Saget as a hero. Saget told them that Dorothy would be rejoining them shortly, but he was needed elsewhere. (“Wherever there’s trouble, Bob Saget will be there.”) With that, Bob Saget flew off into the sky.