Tuesday, April 29, 2008

Episode 9: In Which Seth Is Portrayed by Guest Star Chris Blair

Episode 9: In Which Seth Is Portrayed by Guest Star Chris Blair

In the burned-out ruins of the Governor’s office, Gov. Nigel Buttons Gwinnett was sleeping on his desk (the only thing left standing) when Sir Richard DeGranville arrived. DeGranville, freed from his position as Gwinnett’s assistant, thanked the governor for making his life so miserable, because he was now enjoying his freedom so much more by contrast.

In the Clermont Tavern, the Widow Cocovin was looking over the stolen British battle plans when the legendary British agent Sir Charles Norris (“The Foxhound”) burst out of the ground (having tunneled his way from England) and ordered some boiled meat. He explained that he had been sent by King George III to recover the stolen plans and to find the spy who had taken them. (“There is a mole in our midst, and I’m here to whack that mole!”) He informed Cocovin that he knew what had happened to her husband. She angrily threw the boiled meat at his face, and he caught it in his mouth.

Ridickolas Nickleby went to Princess Penelope and confessed to burning down the Governor’s mansion during the great ruckus. He feared that his punishment would be worsened…perhaps his rope would be shortened so that he’d no longer have the run of the town. Penelope proposed an escape plan, in which she would create a diversion by starting a fistfight with a piece of meat, while he slips free from his rope and attaches it to somebody else.

Seth and Hector “Macho” Gazpacho boarded the docked casino boat for some recreation; Seth worried about being carded, seeing as how he was –300 years old. Luckily, they got in with no problem. Hector showed Seth how to play pinochle, which consists of throwing a nut to a monkey and making a wish. Seth was torn between two wishes—either to get back home in time for his dying mother’s birthday, or for 24 elephants to fall from the sky.

Sir Charles Norris arrived at the wreckage of the Governor’s office to find Gwinnett asleep on the desk. Disgusted, he woke up the Governor by kicking him in the head. Norris informed Gwinnett that he had been sent for two reasons: to find the mole, and to rescue a British POW who was missing in action. Gwinnett told Norris that Nickleby isn’t missing, he just works at the Clermont Tavern.

Penelope was wandering the streets searching for meat when an elephant fell from the sky. She invited the elephant to join her in a game; she explained that she would beat him up, then her friend would put his tether around the elephant’s foot. When the elephant asked what he would get out of this arrangement, she offered to finger his trunk. The elephant agreed.

Sir Richard DeGranville was strolling through town as elephants continued to fall from the sky. He found Seth crying over having wasted his wish. DeGranville explained that the casino boat was a ghost ship, and would return in a year so that Seth could make another wish. Seth cried that his mother would be dead by then, but DeGranville pointed out that, since time travel was involved, Seth could simply wish to go back at any point to have enough time with her.

Sir Charles Norris found Nickleby’s tether in the street, and began following it. Unfortunately, he was following it in the wrong direction.

The Widow Cocovin returned to the Tavern and found Hector “Macho” Gazpacho, who now wanted to treat her as the great-great-etc.-granddaughter he never knew he had. He sat her on his knee and told her (in song) the bedtime story of Buddy the Raccoon and His Forest Pals.

Sir Charles Norris finally tracked the rope back to its source, scaling the side of a building up to the roof where it was attached to a post. On the rooftop, he found Sir Richard DeGranville. They recalled their bitter past, when DeGranville was evicted from the Assassins’ Guild for killing one of their own, and Norris refused to defend him. DeGranville revealed that, since leaving the Guild, he had learned some new tricks from the Choctaw. Norris pleaded with him to reveal his secrets…and pleading is something that Sir Charles Norris NEVER does!

The elephant having abandoned her, Princess Penelope was searching for something to beat up when the Widow Cocovin walked by, angry about an insulting letter that Penelope had sent her. As the engaged in some pre-catfight banter, Nickleby stealthily slipped his shackle on Cocovin. Once it was in place, Penelope sucker-punched Cocovin and ran.

Hector and Seth returned to the dock, 24 elephants in tow, trying to summon the ghost ship again. Soon, the boat reappeared, helmed by Ghost Pirate Captain Casino. Captain Casino offered Seth a chance to win one more wish with a game of pinochle. The scene went into slow-motion as Seth threw the peanut.

Sir Charles Norris was forcibly keeping Gov. Gwinnett awake by holding his eyelids open. He informed Gwinnett that he had narrowed the list of suspects down to seven people, so he was just going to kill them all. When Gwinnett said that seemed a little extreme, Norris countered that he could not fail in his mission, because failure was his only fear. Gwinnett responded by listing all of his fears, which boiled down to a list of long, cylindrical objects. Considering what this meant, Norris asked Gwinnett whether or not he was, in fact, a woman.

Ridickolas Nickleby was enjoying his newfound freedom when he ran into Sir Richard DeGranville. They discussed Nickleby’s future as a free man. DeGranville offered to give Nickleby a parcel of land so that he could enjoy the power of being a landowner, but warned him that one man stood in their way…Sir Charles Norris. DeGranville revealed that Norris was the man who gave him his facial scar. When Nickleby pointed out that DeGranville had previously said he got the scar from playing with his grandfather’s sword, DeGranville made another revelation…Sir Charles Norris IS his grandfather.

Princess Penelope visited Hector’s quarters with one purpose in mind: She wanted to be impregnated. Hector’s Spanish sense of romance would not let him “just get it over with,” so he explained (in a rap) how he would make love to her (a process involving a Great Dane and a hot fudge sundae). She eagerly agreed.

The tethered Cocovin returned to the Clermont Tavern, where Gwinnett was drinking while Norris was crying over his fear of failure. Upon her entrance, Norris stopped crying and reasserted his manhood by punching her in the face and setting her on fire. Gwinnett was unimpressed, so Norris put on further displays of machismo, concluding by punching the bottom of his glass. Much to his surprise, it actually broke.


Thursday, April 24, 2008

Episode 8: In Which a Ruckus Is Raised and a Building Is Razed

Episode 8: In Which a Ruckus Is Raised and a Building Is Razed

As Sir Richard DeGranville had resigned last week, Governor Nigel Buttons Gwinnett met his new temp assistant, Essex Gallard. Newly arrived from England, Essex was enchanted by the beauty and open spaces of the colonies. Sensing a kindred spirit, Gwinnett suggested a number of activities they could do together, like throwing rocks at a hornets’ nest or staring at the sun. They finally decided to go tip over cows, calling it “Operation Condor.”

Arnedict Barnold was surprised to find the Widow Cocovin at the Clermont Tavern. She explained that, during the time of her “disappearance,” she had infiltrated a group of British troops disguised as a scullery maid, and had stolen their plans to attack the Continental Army. Barnold assured her he would pass the plans on to General Washington…after he has her executed for witchcraft. He gloated that he had accused her because she knew too much about the British army’s weak points, but offered to spare her if she simply accepted that the Revolution cannot be won. Finally realizing that Barnold’s a traitor, Cocovin threw a bowl of hot soup at him and fled.

While playing horseshoes with Seth, Ridickolas Nickleby asked what sort of games they played in Seth’s time. Seth attempted to describe videogames by asking Nickleby to picture the adventures in his head. Closing his eyes, Nickleby recounted his dream of a mustachioed Italian gentleman rescuing a princess. Seth re-enacted Nickleby’s imaginary adventure, eventually turning it into a sexually explicit pantomime. Seth apologized, explaining that the Internet had warped his brain. Nickleby offered to use leeches to remove the bad thoughts, but Seth kind of liked having them there. After some more conversation, they decided to continue the fun by raising a ruckus.

Hector “Macho” Gazpacho was strolling by the harbor when Penelope rode by on Hector’s horse Cacafuego. Through Penelope, Cacafuego informed Hector that they had become too dependent on one another, and that they needed their own space. Hector wondered aloud who he could turn to; as if on cue, the Widow Cocovin arrived. Hector loudly shouted “Witch! Witch!” She threw a bowl of hot soup at him.

Essex Gallard was skulking through a pasture, searching for cows to tip over, when Ridickolas Nickleby came sneaking by, searching for cowshit to place in bags and set afire. Delighted to meet a fellow Englishman, Nickleby invited Gallard to join him in the ruckus. As they collected cowshit together, they found some mushrooms growing in the field. After eating the mushrooms, Nickleby finally understood what a videogame was.

Cocovin fled to the Governor’s office, pleading for protection because she’d been accused of witchcraft. When Gwinnett called her a witch as well, she insisted that it wasn’t true…it was just because the entire town had gone crazy from her mushroom soup. She soon realized that Gwinnett had eaten the mushrooms as well. Taking advantage of his drug-addled state, she managed to convince him that she was the Governor and that he was her assistant. As Governor, she issued an Order of Protection for the Widow Cocovin, granting her immunity from accusations of witchcraft.

Seth stopped by the Clermont Tavern and explained “Operation Ruckus” to Arnedict Barnold, who enthusiastically agreed to join. In return for his help, Barnold asked a small favor…he wanted to see this 21st-century “cellular telephone” of Seth’s. Since it didn’t work in this time anyway, Seth handed it over.

Hector regained consciousness and found himself lying on top of Penelope; seeing them in this compromising position, Cacafuego once again ran off. Penelope offered to help Hector make his relationships work, since she knows all about the heart and he knows all about the loins. Hector confessed that he had had a passionate encounter with Cocovin, only to discover that she was his direct descendant. Upon this discovery, his loins had retracted, turtle-like…and yet he still wanted her.

Atop the stone mountain, Arnedict Barnold theorized that the Fountain-of-Youth water he had saved (from the time Hector had used it to heal Barnold’s leg) might likewise be able to “heal” Seth’s strange cellular device. After placing a drop on the cell phone, Barnold managed to contact one of Seth’s 21st-century friends and asked to be brought home. Unfortunately, it was just an answering machine.

Gov. Gwinnett came to, found the decree proclaiming Cocovin’s innocence, and concluded that he must have issued it. Cacafuego galloped into the Governor’s office, and Gwinnett soon realized that the horse had split from his master. Gwinnett asked if Cacafuego would be his friend, and they rode off together.

A shellshocked Arnedict Barnold staggered into the Clermont Tavern. He tearfully informed Cocovin that he had been taken to the future and had seen that the Revolution could not be stopped. Racked with guilt over his betrayal of Washington, and appalled by the horrors that the future held, he told Cocovin that it was up to her to lead the new country onto a better path. With that, he slit his own throat. Cocovin pleaded with him not to die, and to hold on until she could fetch Hector and his healing water.

Hector and Penelope were having a picnic at Lover’s point when Cocovin ran up, begging Hector to save Barnold. Penelope angrily lashed out at Cocovin for breaking up their encounter with such a ridiculous story. Just then, Seth and Nickleby ran by and set fire to a bag of poop. Predictably, Hector stomped out the flames.

Essex Gallard was alone in the Governor’s office when Seth and Nickleby deposited a flaming bag of poop on the doorstep. Essex screamed and ran around in panic, but was too stupid to even think of stomping out the fire.

Gwinnett was out riding Cacafuego when they encountered a unicorn, which presented itself to Cacafuego. After a brief romantic encounter, they continued on their adventure until Nickleby threw a bag of poop at the Governor.

Cocovin brought Hector to the Tavern, only to discover that Barnold had vanished, leaving only a trail of blood. Thinking that she had lured him there to resume their relationship, Hector finally confessed (in song) that he was her ancestor. Attempting to form a more appropriate familial bond, he asked to bounce her on his knee. Nickleby came in and lit a bag of poop.

The Governor’s office, surrounded by flaming bags of poop, was now a raging inferno, as Essex Gallard continued to run around in panic. Arriving to find his mansion in flames, Gov. Gwinnett furiously castigated Gallard for his incompetence. Gwinnett’s clothes caught fire, and he stripped down to his underwear while continuing to argue with Gallard in the midst of the conflagration. Eventually, they both realized that it would be a better idea to resume the discussion OUTSIDE the burning building.


Wednesday, April 16, 2008

Episode 7: In Which a Mystery Unravels

Episode 7: In Which a Mystery Unravels

In the Governor’s office, Gov. Nigel Buttons Gwnnett and Sir Richard DeGranville were discussing the mysterious disappearance of the Widow Cocovin. After Gwinnett ordered a cavalry of horses (no riders, just horses) to search for her, DeGranville brought up another matter: Why was Ridickolas Nickleby, a British soldier, being held as a prisoner of war, when the British are still clearly in charge of Little Five Ports? Gwinnett explained that there’s give and take to war; he gave Nickleby to the colonists, and got Alaska in exchange. DeGranville pointed out that Alaska is Russian territory and that the colonists have no claim on it…and that the “Russian diplomat” who made the deal was simply a crazy old man who lives under the bridge.

Hector “Macho” Gazpacho was nailing up “Lost Horse” notices since his faithful steed Cacafuego had abandoned him; coming across the passed-out Arnedict Barnold, Hector (distracted by his grief) nailed a sign to Barnold’s backside, waking him up. They theorized that the disappearances of Cocovin and Cacafuego may be connected. Out of nowhere, Barnold asked “Are you saying she’s a witch?” Realizing that his relationship to Cocovin could be kept secret if she were burned at the stake, Hector agreed that she had bewitched him.

Princess Penelope went to Seth’s treehouse, afraid that she would be suspected of Cocovin’s disappearance. When Seth asked why she would be a suspect, Penelope explained that she was the last person seen with Cocovin…and also, she was stabbing her a little bit. Seth understandably freaked out.

DeGranville paid a visit to Nickleby’s barbershop for a wig-cut. DeGranville brought up the subject of Nickleby’s imprisonment, pointing out that if he were free, they could go anywhere together as friends. Nickleby replied that he could wait for his sentence to end, but DeGranville pointed out that it was a life sentence. They needed to find a way to get Nickleby’s freedom legally. (“We need to once…just once…get the governor to understand something.”)

Arnedict Barnold was gleefully anticipating the capture and execution of Cocovin, explaining that he hated all women since the sin of Eve. Hector reluctantly humored Barnold’s ranting.

BARNOLD: “Give me a platonic male hug.”
HECTOR: “This does not feel platonic.”
BARNOLD: “A lot of things happened in Plato’s time.”

Seth went to the Governor’s office to turn in Penelope, but Gov. Gwinnett was more concerned by the loss of Alaska, which he blamed on witchcraft. Seth retorted that there was no such thing as magic, and witches are just hippie chicks. Gwinnett tried to prove that magic is real by doing a silly sleight-of-hand trick.

Having left the treehouse to get food, Penelope was found by DeGranville. They went into the unattended Clermont Tavern to discuss various matters, including DeGraville’s relationship with Nickleby. (“I’m not gay! That is, I’m gay in the sense of the word in THIS time, not in Seth’s.”) He noticed the blood on Penelope’s hand, and she explained that she was only playing Stabbies with the Widow Cocovin. She warned him that if he told anyone, she would tell everyone he’s a gayfer.

Afterwards, DeGranville informed Gwinnett of his suspicions about Penelope. Gwinnett happily declared that Penelope should be rewarded as a witch-killer. DeGranville explained that the Widow Cocovin was not a witch, because she weighed more than a duck. DeGranville had one condition for bringing Penelope to justice…he wanted Nickleby’s freedom in return. When Gwinnett hesitated, DeGranville turned in his resignation, explaining that he valued friendship over duty. Gwinnett protested that he was DeGranville’s friend, but DeGranville replied that they had never been friends.

Seth returned to his treehouse to find Penelope waiting there. He was torn between his guilt over turning her in and his fear for his life. She tried to explain herself, but his panicked jabber would not let her get a word in. Finally, Seth punched her in the face and fled.

Gov. Gwinnett came into Nickleby’s barbershop and informed him that DeGranville had asked for his freedom. However, if Nickleby were set free, someone else would have to take his place at the end of the tether…and it would have to be DeGranville. Nickleby agreed to let DeGranville take his place, but only if he could stay with him as his rope-keeper.

Arnedict Barnold and Hector “Macho” Gazpacho set out in search of Cacafuego. As Barnold launched into one of his speeches, another horse leapt through the air and rammed him in the crotch. Hector realized that these flying ponies could be useful for the revolution, but Barnold was too preoccupied with his own pain to appreciate their strategic value. Barnold cried that his leg was broken, and he was now a useless cripple. He begged Hector to kill him, but instead, Hector took out his bottle of Fountain-of-Youth water and used it to heal him. Cacafuego arrived just in time to see Hector rubbing Barnold’s leg, and once again stormed off.

DeGranville tracked Penelope down. Bitter that both Seth and DeGranville had tried to turn her in, she declared that she could no longer trust anyone. Penelope and DeGranville agreed to settle matters in the traditional British manner…by playing Stabbies. As they got on the floor and leg-wrestled (because that’s what Stabbies involves), their physical contact stirred something within DeGranville. He was puzzled by how he could have feelings for both Nickleby and Penelope, but she assured him that he was simply human like everyone else. Then she offered to touch his weiner.

Wednesday, April 9, 2008

Episode 6: In Which Cats Fly

Episode 6: In Which Cats Fly

Gov. Nigel Buttons Gwinnett was engaging in his morning workout, explaining that, since talking to Seth, he was beginning a physical-fitness regimen and cutting out carbohydrates (even though he had no idea what carbohydrates are). Sir Richard DeGranville tried to bring up a more important matter; since aquiring Seth’s 21st-century hoverboard, he had been trying to figure out how it works. (Putting it in terms the governor could understand, DeGranville explained it as “magic,” prompting Gwinnett to demonstrate some incompetent sleight-of-hand.) If he could duplicate the flying machine, it could lead to victory…but he needed more funding to study it.

The Widow Cocovin had led Arnedict Barnold to the top of the stone mountain, explaining how it could provide a useful vantage point for the revolutionary army. Barnold laughingly dismissed her suggestion, asking what a woman could possibly know about strategy.

Having discovered that Cocovin was his direct descendant, from a night of passion with a farmer’s daughter nearly 300 years back, the immortal Hector “Macho” Gazpacho was preparing to leave town in shame. Cocovin found him and tried to resume their romantic liaison. Disgusted by her incestuous advances, Hector drove her away by insulting her viciously. Appalled by Hector’s behavior, his faithful steed Cacafuego galloped off.

Ridickolas Nickleby was working at the front desk of the police station (“Where prisoners are police”) when Seth came in to report his stolen hoverboard. Puzzled by Seth’s technobabble-filled description, Nickleby grew frustrated by his inability to fill out the paperwork. Seth taught him how to express his frustration by shouting “Attica! Attica!” After they calmed down, Nickleby offered Seth a cupcake that Nickleby had baked for his own birthday.

Gov. Gwinnett was searching for doubloons to fund DeGranville’s research when he ran into Princess Penelope. He asked her what that thing on her face was, and she explained that it was a beauty mark. He wondered why anything so ugly would be called that. Getting back to the issue of money, Penelope explained that it could be earned through the exchange of goods or services. (“I could do magic.” “No, you can’t.”)

DeGranville was trying to recruit soldiers for his proposed flying army (“the Hawkmen”) when Arnedict Barnold came by, pointing out that he was being very public about his secret force. Barnold launched into a speech about man not being meant to fly, and DeGranville got on the hoverboard and flew away to escape from Barnold’s verbosity.

Nickleby and Seth went to the Governor’s office to arrest DeGranville for the hoverboard theft. Breaking in and finding it empty, they engaged in a little bit of role-playing, impersonating Gwinnett and DeGranville. They immediately realized how miserable Gwinnett and DeGranville’s lives were.

Hector “Macho” Gazpacho, despondent over his situation, sang about his fatal flaw (“I’m too horny!”).

After nightfall, Gov. Gwinnett and Penelope tried to break into the Clermont Tavern for doubloons; as they crawled towards the entrance, Penelope realized that she couldn’t get up again due to her corset. Gwinnett snuck in while Penelope stayed outside. Startled by a cat, the panicky Gwinnett immediately killed and ate it. He was soon set upon by a horde of vengeful cats; running out, he shouted to the cats “Take her! Take her!” Furious that he would abandon her, Penelope began arguing with him. The noise woke up the Widow Cocovin, who cheerfully invited them both inside.

The next morning, Gwinnett (having spent all the stolen doubloons on booze) presented DeGranville with an attack kitten, whom he named Gary. DeGranville tried to point out that kittens would be useless in fighting the revolution, and that they should be focusing on using the hoverboard as a weapon. Gary suddenly jumped onto the hoverboard and flew off.

At the Clermont Tavern, Cocovin confessed her heartbreak over Hector’s rejecting her, using interpretive dance to express what her words couldn’t. Penelope suggested that Cocovin play hard-to-get, then offered to be her go-between.

Hector, Barnold, and Seth met in Seth’s treehouse to plan a surprise birthday party for Nickleby, including baking a REAL cake for him. (Which they did in a montage sequence.)

DeGranville came to the police station to report the theft of his stolen hoverboard. As he reported it to Nickleby, Gary suddenly flew by. Depressed by the latest setback, DeGranville wondered why nobody liked him. Nickleby pointed out that DeGranville’s black clothes, sword-cane, and scar didn’t exactly make for a good first impression. DeGranville explained that he was allergic to pigmentation, the sword-cane was given to him on his grandfather’s deathbed, and the scar came from playing with the sword as a child (and he’d never sharpened the sword since). Nickleby realized that, for all his fearsomeness, DeGranville hadn’t actually done anything evil. He embraced DeGranville as a friend.

Hector went to Penelope’s Advice And/Or Lovemaking booth for counseling. He confessed to numerous sins in his long lifetime, but before he could explain about his inadvertent incest, Gov. Gwinnett came in for the Lovemaking booth and started trying to hump Hector.

The dejected Nickleby came home, sad that nobody had remembered his birthday. Suddenly, everybody jumped out and yelled “Surprise!” Nickleby thanked everybody for the party and the cake, then informed them that, despite it being his birthday, HE had a present to give…to celebrate their new friendship, he offered his red coat to DeGranville (assuring him that the dirt would insulate him from the color). Gary the kitten flew by, and Nickleby snatched the hoverboard from under him. DeGranville had a choice…he could either take the coat as a symbol of friendship, or the hoverboard that could be a powerful weapon. After a moment’s decision, he took the coat. Nickleby proclaimed that, with all of them united in celebration, nothing could possibly go wrong.

Wednesday, April 2, 2008

Episode 5: In Which There Is a Revelation About the Revolution

Episode 5: In Which There Is a Revelation About the Revolution

In the Governor’s office, Sir Richard DeGranville informed Gov. Nigel Buttons Gwinnett of the latest crisis: a plague was striking Little Five Ports. Before DeGranville could describe what the symptoms were, Gwinnett came up with his own list of symptoms, like shifty eyes and touching one’s hat. When DeGranville pointed out that Gwinnett was just listing DeGranville’s own habits, Gwinnett shouted that DeGranville had the plague. Gwinnett pulled a gun, and DeGranville took out his sword-cane.

Princess Penelope wrote a letter to Sir Dale Carnegie asking for advice on how to get people to treat her with respect. Ridickolas Nickleby came in to apologize for his outburst at their last encounter, but he was extremely upset by her declaration that England no longer exists. She told him he shouldn’t have taken her literally; he replied that, as she was a princess, he was obligated to believe her every word. Nickleby read her letter and pointed out that she had written out all of her “ums” and “ers”; she sadly explained that she had never been schooled. They devised a plot to enroll her in the school, but to preserve her reputation, they would say she’s training to be a teacher.

Connie Cocovin sneaked into Hector “Macho” Gazpacho’s cave. Dismayed by his surroundings, she offered him a room at the Clermont Tavern, but he explained that he felt uncomfortable around the townspeople. They reminisced about last night’s bout of passion (“You rocked me like a tornado of pubes and nipples!”).

Arnedict Barnold stormed Seth’s treehouse, demanding Seth’s knowledge of the future. Seth protested that he didn’t have any knowledge (“I’m from public school!”), but Barnold warned him that if he didn’t share it willingly, he would eat Seth’s brain to gain his wisdom. He then presented Seth with a standardized test.

DeGranville was stuck in quarantine with only a sick horse for company. Outside, Hector rode by, happy to be free with a healthy horse.

In the schoolhouse, Penelope told Gwinnett that she wanted to be a teacher. He pointed out that, as a school lady, she would have to be a spinster; she had no problem with that, as there was nobody in town that she would want to marry anyway. A student pointed out that the proper word was “schoolmarm,” not “school lady,” and Gwinnett shot him for having the plague. Penelope accepted the position, asking for the townspeople to build her a palace as her salary. Gwinnett then started making a move on her. When she protested, he told her that while she may be royalty, he’s the one who calls the shots.

Cocovin was returning from her liaison with Hector when she ran into Ridickolas Nickleby. Detecting the scent of olives, Nickleby realized that she had been with a Spaniard, and asked how she could sully herself with such a man. She furiously retorted with some 21st-century profanity she had learned from Seth.

Seth was trying to invent the Internet by training possums to carry messages to each other, when Hector arrived. During their conversation, they realized that they were both out of place here, with Seth being a time-traveler from the future and Hector an eternally young conquistador from the past. Seth high-fived Hector over their common bond, but Hector was unfamiliar with the gesture. (“You struck me! Do we have to duel now?”)

Barnold was thrown into quarantine because he had touched his hat, causing Gwinnett to assume he had the plague. DeGranville explained that there was no plague; he had made up the story to manipulate Gwinnett, but it backfired on him. Barnold had a confession of his own…there was no Revolution, either. He had fabricated the entire thing as a satire, killing many people on both sides for added verisimilitude. DeGranville realized that, if there is no revolution, then there was no danger to the Governor, and his vow was void. Barnold pointed out that there WAS a danger…the very knowledge that it’s fake.

Gwinnett tested Nickleby for the plague by asking him what rhymes with “orange.” Nickleby replied “War hinge—the hinge on which this war swings.” Nickleby then informed Gwinnett that Cocovin had been dallying with Hector “Macho” Gazpacho. Enraged by the thought of the town’s women being defiled by a Spaniard, Gwinnett set out to spy on Hector’s cave.

On top of a tall stone mountain, Hector was looking down over the town, mourning the lost opportunity to claim all this beauty for Spain. Cocovin came up, exhausted from the climb. Hector introduced her to his steed Cacafuego, and she remarked on the coincidence—she recalled from her family history that, about 300 years back, she had a great-great-etc.-grandfather who was a Spaniard with a horse named Cacafuego. Hector immediately became nauseated by the realization.

Arnedict Barnold composed a letter to King George III, urging him to replace his daughter Penelope as she had become one of the common people, accepting a position as a schoolmarm.

At the schoolhouse, Penelope was attempting to teach a sex-education class by explaining what a uterus is; the children asked her to show them hers. Seth came in and was shocked by the diagram on the chalkboard. When Penelope complained about her inability to control the unruly children, Seth told her about managerial skills by recounting how he used to work in a fast-food restaurant with a strict, mean manager whom everyone hated…then one day, he killed himself, and was replaced by a cool, easy-going guy that everyone liked. Penelope asked if there was a moral to the story, or if he was just suggesting that she kill herself.

Nickleby brought mutton and water to DeGranville in quarantine, and they had a discussion about the concepts of freedom and imprisonment. When Nickleby mentioned that he had the key, DeGranville knocked him out with his cane.

Governor Gwinnett was strolling through town, shooting everybody that he thought had the plague.

At the Clermont Tavern, Penelope was preparing to hang herself (while a drunken patron shouted catcalls). Nickleby rushed in to rescue her and to silence the heckler. Nickleby asked why she would consider ending her life, when she has more than everybody else in town. Penelope recalled that she had heard of a place called a pawn shop, where she could convert her useless, ornamental jewels into real wealth to actually accomplish things. They set out for Buford Highway together.

DeGranville, escaped from quarantine, ambushed Seth and demanded proof that he was indeed from the future. After Seth demonstrated by flying on his hoverboard, the impressed DeGranville asked if the American Revolution was real or not. Seth informed him that it did indeed happen.

Cocovin brought some tea to Barnold in quarantine. Not knowing his secret, she informed him that from the top of the stone mountain, she could see all over the colony…and this could be a good vantage point to attain victory in the Revolution.

In his office, Gwinnett was writing laws when DeGranville came in, flying on Seth’s hoverboard. After a brief chase around the office, DeGranville warned Gwinnett that a real revolution was coming. Ignoring the warning, Gwinnett grabbed the hoverboard and flew off…immediately colliding with a pillar.