Monday, September 29, 2008

Season 3, Episode 19: Making Plans for Nigel

Guest-starring John Gregorio as Dr. Nigel Nobbs (returning from Season 2) and Jed Broitman as Chuchele.

Episode 19: Making Plans for Nigel

Mad Dog was at Atlanta Medical Center, recovering from the heart attack he had at the end of the last episode. ShiShi had turned his room into a bar to make him feel at home. Dr. Nigel Nobbs arrived and ordered a scotch. After asking Mad Dog a few questions about his symptoms, Dr. Nobbs was about to leave when Mad Dog started coughing and heaving.

Vladimir was going through the old guestbooks, calling up women with whom he could repopulate the earth. Chuchelo Pachangele arrived and asked for a room. Vladimir struggled to write the guest’s name, then just gave up and gave him the keys.

Celeste informed Bert that her optometrist had said her eyesight was deteriorating, and that she’d probably be blind again in a week. She told Bert she wanted to see her own wedding before that, and she got down on her knee to propose. Bert made her switch places so he could propose the traditional way. Since he didn’t have a ring handy, he gave her his gun instead.

Cecil visited Dr. Weeds in the garden and thanked him for setting into motion the events revealing his destiny as the Chosen One. Dr. Weeds confided that only now that he’d destroyed the sun had he discovered a reason to live. He told Cecil that the process could be reversed if a person got into the laser and was launched into the sun to reignite it, although that person would be incinerated instantly. Weeds was pondering whether to sacrifice himself so that ShiShi (and, incidentally, the rest of the world) could live. Suddenly, Cecil had an idea. Since it’s his destiny as the Chosen One to save the world and kill the alien intruder, he proposed finding the alien and stuffing HIM into the laser.

Dr. Buddy explained to 111x9 that he was an alien (taking off his coat to reveal his spacesuit as he did so). He asked 111x9 to be “Daddy’s little henchman.”

Dennis the vulture showed Dr. Nobbs to his room. Nobby found a remote-control, but there was no TV in the room. Pressing a button, Nobby speculated that it might cause something interesting to happen elsewhere. Elsewhere, Bert fell through a trapdoor.

Bert landed in Cecil’s apartment. Cecil told his dad that he was the Chosen One, and that he needed help finding the alien. Bert was astounded: “Oh my God, you know! How did you find out?” Bert revealed that the mafia was actually an alien race placed on Earth to prepare for this final battle, culminating with the offspring of a mafia alien and a Jewish human. Cecil was that offspring.

Still bent on reproduction, Vladimir asked ShiShi to fix him up with her dancer friends from the Clermont Lounge.

ShiShi: “I’ve tried to put that part of my life behind me.”
Vladimir: “Well, I’d like you to put that part of your life right in front of me.”

Dennis visited his old friend Chuchelo. Chuchelo confessed that he was an illegal alien, and asked Dennis to help him improve his English and blend in. Dennis advised him to go to night school at Georgia State, and to change his name to “Steve.”

Celeste told ShiShi about her engagement, proudly displaying Bert’s gun around her finger. Celeste asked ShiShi to sing at the wedding, and ShiShi agreed gleefully…until Celeste asked her to sober up for the ceremony. ShiShi told Celeste that she couldn’t sing when she was sober, and that she couldn’t bear being boring old Doris Mayfield again. Celeste agreed to let ShiShi drink, but asked her to dress up for the wedding.

Mad Dog ran away from the hospital and visited Dr. Weeds. Mad Dog told Weeds that while he was stuffed in the locker room, he found Weeds’ plans…and a Georgia Power helmet, proving that Weeds had destroyed the sun so that Georgia Power would be even more powerful. Weeds admitted that his motive had originally been money, but he’d actually gone through with it for love. Mad Dog revealed that he only had a short time to live, then offered to sacrifice himself to reignite the sun.

Bert was at the front desk when Dr. Nobbs arrived. Nobbs told Bert that he’d found evidence of alien activity in the hotel. Bert asked him what he would do if he met an alien, and Nobbs said that he’d just like to have a conversation and learn from them. Bert was prepared to take him up on that, when Nobby showed him the mysterious remote and asked “By the way, what does this do?” Bert fell through the trapdoor again.

Vladimir was warding off a horde of post-apocalyptic marauders with a flaming mop when Dennis the vulture came by. They took refuge in the hotel, and Vladimir told Dennis that he was leaving a legacy, fathering dozens of children so the Sonovavich line could live on. When Dennis tried to point out that the world would end long before the requisite nine months, Vladimir revealed that some of his children had been born and started growing already. Evidently, HE’S been breeding with aliens too, creating more poo-babies just like 111x9.

Dr. Buddy and 111x9 were playing “Daddy’s Little Henchman” when Cecil arrived, gun in hand. Suddenly, Bert fell into the room. Using his powers, 111x9 forced Bert and Cecil to sit down and paralyzed their trigger fingers. 111x9 demanded that Cecil turn over the Tiki, or he’d be forced to open a can of whoop-ass. Suddenly, Cecil drew a second gun with his free hand.

ShiShi sang an emotional rendition of “Total Eclipse of the Heart.”

Celeste was being fitted for a wedding dress when “Steve” came into the dress shop looking for a job. Celeste invited him to the wedding.

Dr. Weeds and Mad Dog were preparing for Mad Dog’s final sacrifice when Dr. Buddy and 111x9 arrived, with Bert and Cecil as their hostages. (Cecil had forgotten to load his second gun.) Dr. Buddy started gloating about his victory, but was distracted when he saw Mad Dog there. While Buddy and 111x9 tried to talk Mad Dog out of it, Cecil loaded his gun and shot 111x9. Bert restrained Buddy as Mad Dog climbed into the laser and was launched into the sun.


Monday, September 22, 2008

Season 3, Episode 18: ...The Sun Is Gone

Episode 18: …The Sun Is Gone

Alone in his lab, Dr. Weeds celebrated his success in finally destroying the sun, and laughed maniacally.

Bert was amazed to learn that Celeste could see now. Celeste was equally surprised to discover how handsome Bert was, and she asked him to turn around so she could really check him out. With her sight being restored and the world coming to end, they decided to cut out the chit-chat and just have sex.

Vladimir was working the front desk when ShiShi came in, complaining that CVS was completely sold out of self-tanning products. They discussed the state of the sun-deprived city. Vladimir lamented that he saw no point in running the hotel in these end times. ShiShi urged him not to give in to despair, and to use his Russian ingenuity to find a solution.

Vladimir: “I believe man will reinvent himself.”
ShiShi: “Aw, we don’t have time for that!”

Dennis the vulture was still holding 111x9 prisoner in the basement. 111x9 asked Dennis if he was cold, then offered him a pill to keep him warm. After 111x9 proved it was safe by taking one himself, Dennis took the pill and started feeling groovy. He suddenly got the urge to make prank phone calls.

Worried by 111x9’s disappearance, Mad Dog paced around his room until Dr. Buddy came home. Mad Dog asked Buddy how he felt about faking his own death, then told him all about Vladimir’s plan to kill him for his insurance money. Buddy suggested that they kill Vladimir instead. Mad Dog was upset by all this talk of killing, but Buddy tried to win him over with a mysterious form of foreplay involving a Jar Jar Binks puppet.

Cecil Caponé conferred with his Tiki god. The Tiki told him it was his destiny to lead his people to “the warm spot.” Cecil considered this, and realized he meant the ozone-hole in Antarctica.

After sex, Bert and Celeste were amazed by how incredible it was. Celeste suggested they do it again.

Bert: “What do I look like to you? You turn me around like I’m some piece of meat, and now you just want to do it with me continuously? God, I love you!”

Vladimir was at the front desk when he heard a knocking at the trap door underneath. He opened the door and released 111x9. Vladimir was unnerved by how much the child had grown in two weeks, not to mention his mysterious behavior. His heart softened when he realized all 111x9 wanted was his parents…and a pair of breasts to suck on. Vladimir told 111x9 that he was being deprived of mother’s milk, and that he would be better off without Dr. Buddy as a parent. 111x9 offered Vladimir a pill to give him the strength to kill Buddy.

Cecil was getting a candy bar from the hotel vending machine when Bert came by for some cigarettes…without his pants. After a few subtle hints, Cecil realized that his dad had gotten lucky. Cecil tried to apologize to Bert about their argument and tell him about the Tiki’s prophecy, but found he couldn’t talk to him until he put some pants on.

Dr. Weeds was at the salad bar at Shoney’s when ShiShi came by. There was an awkward moment, and finally ShiShi asked him why he had to blow up the sun. She told him she thought she’d helped him heal his broken heart. Weeds realized how much he truly felt for ShiShi, and he asked her to come away with him.

Dr. Weeds: “Make love to me as though it’s the end of the world.”
ShiShi: “Because it is! So I won’t have to pretend, will I?”
Dr. Weeds: “For the first time for a woman with me, no, you won’t have to pretend.”

Searching the basement for 111x9, Mad Dog found Dennis passed out. He revived the vulture, who told Mad Dog all about everything that had happened down there. Then he started ranting all about 111x9’s wide variety of creepiness until he passed out again.

111x9 came home to Dr. Buddy and informed him that the “plumping pills” were working perfectly. Dr. Buddy revealed that everything was going according to HIS plan…his ALIEN plan. Now that the sun was gone, Earth would soon find its way to a new orbit around Jupiter, where Buddy’s people would move in and use the plumped-up humans as food.

A montage of Dr. Weeds and ShiShi’s romance ended with them in the bedroom. Dr. Weeds realized that all this time, all he needed was a plug for the hole in his heart, and ShiShi was that plug. Weeds was so inspired, HE sang to ShiShi for a change.

Cecil told the Tiki that he couldn’t handle the pressure of saving the world. The Tiki tried to convince him of his destiny, warning him that there were alien forces at work. Cecil put a gun to the Tiki’s head, then to his own, threatening to kill himself to escape the responsibility. The Tiki told Cecil he was their only hope, thus appealing to the Star Wars geek in him.

Mad Dog and Dennis got drunk and made prank phone calls.

Celeste ran into Vladimir and found him incredibly hot. She explained that now that she could actually see men, her sex drive had gone into overtime. She was worried whether she should stay loyal to Bert or try to experience as much sex as she could. Vladimir told her there was much more to experience in life than just sex, and Celeste suddenly got a headache. Vladimir told Celeste that he had a plan to save the world…and best of all, it fit in with her own plans. He urged Celeste to keep having sex with Bert until she attains spontaneous combustion and brings fire back to the world.

Bert (now wearing pants) found Cecil holding the gun to his head. He put a gun to his own head, telling Cecil that he’d be killing both of them by pulling the trigger. He told Cecil that he’d had a back-up plan the entire time, and that he needed his help. Cecil put the gun down, then turned it on Bert.

Completely smashed, Mad Dog and Dennis staggered back to Dr. Buddy and 111x9. Dr. Buddy put them under hypnosis and told them that he had two enemies, Vladimir and “The Chosen One.” He explained that another race of aliens besides his own had visited Earth and left “a little brown messenger.” (Mad Dog: “Tito Puente?”) He told them that they needed to find the little brown oracle and stop the Chosen One. He left them with a post-hypnotic command to kill the first person they see after they hear the word “icebox.”

Cecil went to Vladimir for advice. He explained that he had been receiving instructions from the Tiki, and Vladimir realized that Cecil was the Chosen One. Vladimir informed Cecil that that meant that 111x9 was the Anti-Chosen One. He showed Cecil the pill that 111x9 had given him, explaining that he’d had it analyzed and discovered it was full of powerful mind-controlling drugs and a drop of retsin. Vladimir gave Cecil a secret weapon to use in his struggle against 111x9: a pair of wax wings.

Mad Dog, Dennis, Bert, Celeste and Dr. Weeds all gathered to watch ShiShi perform. Unfortunately, ShiShi couldn’t think of any songs that weren’t sun-obsessed, until Dr. Weeds led them all to join together for “We Are the World.” Mad Dog was so moved, he announced that his heart had grown six sizes. Then he collapsed.


Monday, September 15, 2008

Season 3, Episode 17: I Can See Clearly Now...

Introducing Sloane Warren as the adolescent 111x9.

Episode 17: I Can See Clearly Now…

Now that they were restored to their proper bodies, Cecil and Dr. Weeds discussed what they’d learned from the experience. Cecil had gotten a glimpse into the human soul, and wanted to follow a more spiritual path. To this end, he’d started carrying around a Hawaiian Tiki figure, a monkey’s paw, and a cup he’s pretty sure Christ drank from. Dr. Weeds had found the determination to follow through with his plans, and so was returning to work on his laser.

Mad Dog and Dr. Buddy were arguing about the boarding school bills when their son, 111 x 9, returned from school. Since being born last week, the boy had really shot up and matured quickly. 111 x 9 told Buddy and “Mom Dog” that he wasn’t happy at the boarding school, and wanted to be somewhere with more feminine companionship. He showed his parents the acceptance letters he’d received from Oxford, Harvard, and Georgia Tech. He told them he was leaning towards Tech for all the hot chicks there. Mad Dog and Buddy were amazed that they’d given birth to a heterosexual.

Bert Caponé was instructing Dennis the vulture on the finer points of being a consigliere. He then gave Dennis the sad news that his criminal empire was bankrupt. Since Dennis had done such a good job turning the hotel around, he wanted the bird to do the same for his entire operation. Bert revealed that he knew Dennis, not Dr. Weeds, was the true mastermind behind the laser. He asked Dennis to help him use the laser to hold the world for ransom, rather than destroy the sun like Dr. Weeds wants.

Celeste told Vladimir that she’d given up her acting career because she was happier just being herself. Vladimir suggested that she could still have a career by being herself and not acting, just like Brendan Fraser. He then suggested that she get lessons from the best actor at the hotel: Dr. Buddy, whom Vladimir knew to be a big faker.

Dr. Weeds confronted Dr. Buddy, seeking revenge for all the terrible things Buddy had done to him. However, Dr. Buddy pointed out all the upside of those acts: Weeds was now getting along with Cecil, and Weeds had actually played the hero by coming to ShiShi’s rescue. It was all part of Buddy’s special brand of therapy. Dr. Buddy even regarded having his dick blown off as a small price to pay for having turned Weeds into a better person. Dr. Weeds realized that Buddy was right. Then Dr. Buddy asked Dr. Weeds for a favor involving the laser.

Dennis the vulture ran into Cecil, who showed him his Tiki god statue. Dennis asked “Who are you, Greg Brady?”, then did a long Brady Bunch routine until Cecil got fed up and put a gun to the bird’s head. They sat down and talked about Cecil’s spiritual quest.

Cecil: “I’m trying to find God…and he’s not in the Gregorio, that’s for sure!”

Cecil speculated that perhaps he could get back into God’s good graces by redeeming his father. As he pondered this, Dennis grabbed his gun.

“Mom Dog” and 111 x 9 were having a father/son talk about school.

111 x 9: “I don’t have to go to school. I don’t have to do ANYTHING.”
Mad Dog: “Now that’s American talking!”

111 x 9 asked Mad Dog how his beer was. Mad Dog replied, “Fine, rich, foamy…” Then he passed out.

Later, Dr. Buddy came home and found 111 x 9 alone. 111 x 9 told Buddy that Mad Dog was out “taking a walk.” Then he showed Buddy a condom he claimed to have found in Mad Dog’s drawer. Shocked by this evidence of infidelity, Buddy broke down crying and begged 111 x 9 never to drink like his parents do. 111 x 9 asked ominously, “How are you feeling, father?” Buddy sobbed that he was hurting, and asked his son “Don’t you have any human emotions?” Horrified, Buddy realized that he doesn’t.

Dennis the vulture went to visit Dr. Weeds in the lab. Weeds told Dennis that he’d finally gotten back on track and was ready to launch the laser. Dennis mocked Dr. Weeds’ desire for world-destruction: “Oh, my wife died at the Olive Garden, so I’m going to blow up the sun and freeze the world!” Dr. Weeds reminded Dennis about his OWN dead wife, a swan named Penelope. The memories came flooding back and Dennis started crying. Dr. Weeds persuaded Dennis that his laser could put an end to the pain for both of them.

Cecil and Bert had dinner at The Bridgetown Grill, where “Don’t Worry, Be Happy” played incessantly until Bert attacked the musician. Cecil tried to win his father over to the side of righteousness. The conversation turned into a furious argument about God and religion, with Cecil renouncing Catholicism and Bert making fun of the Tiki. They parted on bitter terms:

Cecil: “You’re dead and you don’t even know it.”
Bert: “You’re dead to me!”

Celeste was dusting in Dr. Weeds’ lab when she stumbled across the laser. Feeling around the equipment, she noticed it was missing two D batteries. Luckily, she always carries around some spare Energizers. As she installed them, the laser whirred to life, with Celeste right in the beam’s path.

Vladimir was changing in the staff locker room when he discovered an unconscious Mad Dog in his locker. After Vladimir dragged him to the bed, Mad Dog came to and realized that 111 x 9 had slipped him a mickey. Mad Dog grinned proudly about his son’s mischievous antics. Vladimir told Mad Dog that Dr. Buddy was not fit to be a father figure for their son. He told Mad Dog that “Dr.” Buddy was a fake who’d gotten his degree by mail-order. He also cautioned that Buddy was a gifted hypnotist, and might be influencing Mad Dog in his sleep. He urged Mad Dog to get rid of Buddy…and as a final incentive, pointed out Buddy’s $1.5 million life insurance policy.

Dennis was working the front desk when 111 x 9 entered. They introduced themselves, and when Dennis realized that 111 x 9’s “Mom Dog” was Bert’s arch-enemy Mad Dog Maddox, Dennis pulled Cecil’s gun on the youngster and forced him into the basement.

Dr. Weeds arrived in the lab to find the laser fully operational, and a stunned Celeste in front of it. Celeste took off her glasses and discovered that she could see now!

Mad Dog came home and found the despondent Dr. Buddy. As Mad Dog gave Buddy a foot massage, Buddy accused him of having an affair with Vladimir, confronting him with the condom as “proof.” Mad Dog’s only response was to suck Buddy’s toes.

Bert was in his office when Vladimir came in, beaming with pride about a huge amount of money he’ll soon be receiving.

Vladimir: “It will happen soon, unless a giant laser blows up the sun.”
Bert (panicked): “What do you know about the laser?”
Vladimir (confused): “It’s a metaphor.”

Vladimir explained his plan to kill Dr. Buddy for his insurance. Bert approved whole-heartedly, adding that Buddy used to be part of his organization. When Bert asked who would do the job on Buddy, Vladimir replied: “Mad Dog is so pissed, he’ll probably eat him alive from the feet up.”

Cecil ran into Celeste, who explained excitedly that she could see, and was taking in as many sights as she could in case the effects were fleeting. She told Cecil he was beautiful, then ran off to see some more. Cecil remarked to himself that things were falling into place, then took out his Tiki and smiled.

Dennis was holding 111 x 9 prisoner in the basement. He asked 111 x 9 how old he was, and the kid replied: “I’m 12 now. I should be 31 by next week.” 111 x 9 explained that he had been gifted with rapid growth and great intelligence due to his unusual conception as a “poo-baby,” one of only five in the world. When Dennis asked about the other four, 111 x 9 casually replied that he had killed the others because he didn’t like them. Sensing danger, Dennis started trying to butter up 111 x 9 with flattery. 111 x 9 asked ominously: “How are you feeling, Mr. Vulture?”

Celeste went to see “Battlefield Earth,” and even THAT was beautiful. Afterwards, she bought a bunch of kaleidoscopes, and was overwhelmed by the beauty of it all.

Cecil and Dr. Weeds stood before the fully-functional laser. Since he had failed to win his father over to the side of the Tiki, Cecil was ready to join Weeds in destroying the sun. Bert burst in and tried to stop them. Dr. Weeds told Bert that all three of them would be better off in a dead world, then activated the laser.

Celeste was at the top of the Statue of Liberty, delighting in all the beauty she saw all around her. Then the sun exploded.

TO BE CONTINUED (oddly enough…)

Tuesday, September 9, 2008

Season 3, Episode 16: The Miracle of Birth

Introducing Alasdair Faughnan as the newborn 111x9!

Episode 16: The Miracle of Birth

Celeste told ShiShi about her recent disastrous audition and bemoaned her failure as an actress. She asked ShiShi for advice on performing, and ShiShi explained how she reinveinted herself from Doris Mayfield to ShiShi LaRue. Celeste decided to adopt her own new persona: Tiffany Fox.

Mad Dog and Dr. Buddy were at their “love nest,” bemoaning the loss of “Little Buddy.”

Dr. Buddy: “Mad Dog, we need to talk about this.”
Mad Dog: “I prefer to drink about it, heavily.”

Mad Dog explained that his diet of corn, cheese and beer was all part of his plan to force humanity to evolve past the need for defecation. Suddenly, something inside Mad Dog started kicking.

Vladimir was in the lounge with Bert, bemoaning his abandonment by Tillie. He explained that he and Tillie had gotten married, but when he woke up after their honeymoon night, she had vanished. He told Bert he was glad he was able to talk to him privately, because Dennis (being a bird) just wouldn’t understand his problems.

Cecil and Dr. Weeds (still trapped in each other’s bodies) were in the lab, bemoaning Bert’s appointment of Dennis as his consigliere. They discussed their fruitless, forgotten plans to kill Bert and destroy the sun, respectively. They agreed to get back to work on those plans.

Vladimir went to see ShiShi, bemoaning his failure as a singer/songwriter. He asked her for help in finding his “inner voice,” and she reminded him about all he’d been through in his life. After a lengthy general discussion about what it means to be an artist, she asked him what made his heart sing.

Vladimir: “I am thinking about the circus. It felt like walking a tightrope…because often, you are.”

Vladimir resolved to turn his circus experiences into a country song.

Mad Dog gave birth to a beautiful baby boy.

Celeste, as “Tiffany Fox,” went out on an audition and landed a gig on the WB.

Dr. Weeds (in Cecil’s body) was making the final adjustments on his laser when Bert came in and berated him for forgetting about it for so long. Weeds informed Bert that Cecil was planning not only to kill Bert (which would have been fine, since that’s a Caponé family tradition), but to humiliate him as well. Weeds then told Bert that all he needed to get the laser operational were two D batteries.

ShiShi arrived at the bar to find Mad Dog fawning over his newborn son. Mad Dog explained that he had fulfilled evolution and become the first man to give birth, having eaten some fashion-model eggs from the internet and fertilized them in his intestines. He proudly showed ShiShi his baby’s birthmark—“999.”

Cecil (in Dr. Weeds’ body) met Vladimir, who bemoaned yet again over Tillie leaving him on their honeymoon. Cecil offered to hunt Tillie down and shoot her. After an extended metaphor about ranchers, fences and rogue cattle, Vladimir agreed.

“Tiffany” ran into Dr. Buddy, and they introduced themselves. They both beamed about their respective good fortune, Tiffany with her audition and Buddy with his new baby. Tiffany congratulated Buddy and his wife, forcing Buddy into an awkward explanation about his unique situation. Mad Dog ran by to retrieve a ball the kid had thrown, and Buddy told Tiffany that Mad Dog was both the daddy AND the mommy.

Tiffany: “I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. You miss a week, you miss a lot!”

ShiShi and Bert were drinking at the Euclid Yacht Club. They discussed Vladimir’s musical ambitions. Bert explained that he felt Vladimir’s talents were better employed in other areas, so he wanted Vladimir to fail and get the country-music bug out of his system. He told ShiShi that he was glad she was helping Vladimir, because he was confident her assistance would assure Vladimir’s failure.

Cecil & Dr. Weeds checked on the laser, exchanged some insults, and pulled guns on each other. They bemoaned their body-switched status, and wished they could switch back like at the end of “Freaky Friday.” They suddenly realized they’d forgotten all about the laser AGAIN, and went back to work on it.

“Tiffany” went to Bert to ask for money to help further her acting career. He asked her why he should even talk to her after she dumped him. Defiantly, she told him she had no feelings for him anymore…then broke down and reverted to her old self. She cried that she was a terrible person as Tiffany, and that she just wanted to be plain old Celeste and go back to cleaning toilets. They had a passionate reconciliation, then Bert pointed her to his bathroom and told her to get to work.

Dr. Buddy was discussing childcare options with Mad Dog, when Mad Dog revealed that he’d sent the baby off to boarding school. Mad Dog told Buddy that the kid was shooting up like a weed and was already five feet tall or so. Mad Dog got misty over his son’s departure, but when Buddy tried to comfort him, Mad Dog was repulsed by the emasculated Buddy’s “bleeding crotch.”

ShiShi and Dr. Weeds were out on a date. ShiShi told Weeds that she used to look into his eye and “see the world,” but that she couldn’t do that anymore now that he was in a new body. Back at the bar, Cecil and Vladimir were going over their plans to kill Tillie. Simultaneously, Cecil and Weeds wished they were back to their old selves…and suddenly, they WERE back in their own bodies!


Wednesday, September 3, 2008

Season 3, Episode 15: Turnabout Extruder

Episode 15: Turnabout Extruder

Having forced Dr. Weeds and Cecil Caponé to sign over possession of the hotel, Dr. Buddy Flowers informed Mad Dog that he (Mad Dog, that is) was now owner of the Gregorio. Dr. Buddy told Mad Dog he stood to make $15 million in just a few weeks. Mad Dog’s awestruck response: “That’s a lot of corn!” (Mad Dog had been on an all-corn diet and had been constipated for three weeks. I know, it’s disgusting, but it’ll figure into the story later on. You’ve been warned.)

Still linked by the thought transmogrifier, Dr. Weeds and Cecil went to ShiShi to explain their dilemma. Alternating one word at a time, the Weeds/Cecil hybrid told her that Dr. Buddy had fused their minds together.

Tillie received a visit from Dennis the vulture, who was wearing a sombrero and fake mustache to celebrate Cinco de Mayo. Tillie was overcome with emotion when she realized that it was May 5—the anniversary of all 8 of her weddings. She immediately decided that she needed to get married again. Tillie and Dennis went through a list of possible candidates for her 9th husband, and finally decided on Vladimir.

Fully recovered from his amnesia and back to his old self, Bert Caponé returned to his office only to find it locked. Vladimir reluctantly explained that Cecil had signed over the hotel to Mad Dog, but that he was “connected” to Dr. Weeds. Bert took this to mean that Weeds and Cecil had joined forces against him.

ShiShi went to see Dr. Buddy, ostensibly to thank him for reintroducing her to the pleasures of “alkyhol.” However, her handshake turned into a painful death-grip as she demanded to know what he had done to Dr. Weeds. Suddenly, Dr. Buddy pulled a gun on her.

Mad Dog told Dennis he was instituting a new dress code for the Gregorio: “Everybody’s gotta wear tassels on their nipples!” When Dennis objected, Mad Dog declared that he was in charge and that everybody had to do what he wanted. Dennis explained that vultures don’t have nipples, so Mad Dog called out and ordered some nipples for him.

Bert found the conjoined Weeds and Cecil, who explained what Dr. Buddy had done to them. Weeds and Cecil decided to break contact, regardless of the consequences. They were going to let go at the count of three, but Bert got tired of waiting and yanked the transmogrifier out of their hands.

Tillie called Vladimir up to her room. After an awkward silence, Tillie quoted Phil Collins: “It’s no fun being an illegal alien.” Then she offered Vladimir a way out of his “illegal” status.

After the initial shock of breaking contact, Dr. Weeds and Cecil came to…in each other’s bodies. Bert’s reaction: “This is like a fucked-up Star Trek episode!”

Vladimir was on strike at the front desk, picketing to be paid for every single time he helps somebody in any way. He demanded to speak to Mad Dog, but the betasselled Dennis warned him that Mad Dog had gone crazy. Dennis joined Vladimir in a united front against Mad Dog’s reign of terror.

Driving with ShiShi as his hostage, Dr. Buddy set his car’s autopilot for “the insemination cave.” He informed ShiShi that she was going to have a baby for him and Mad Dog.

Tillie told Mad Dog that she was getting married. Mad Dog reminded Tillie that her great-grandmother had warned her that marriage #9 would bring about the end of the world. Tillie’s reaction: “You’re on crack!”

Dr. Weeds and Cecil passed by Vladimir and Dennis’ picket line. Vladimir and Dennis were so shocked by Weeds’ and Cecil’s personality switch, that they had a momentary personality switch of their own.

Bert warned Mad Dog that, although Mad Dog may have taken over the hotel, Bert still had control of his vast criminal empire. Mad Dog retorted that he had an even bigger criminal empire behind him…the Gay Mafia. Suddenly, the phone rang. It was Dr. Buddy, calling to tell Mad Dog about the surprise he was preparing for him.

Vladimir and Cecil (in Dr. Weeds’ body) were searching the bar for clues to ShiShi’s disappearance. After Vladimir mistook a painting of ShiShi for the genuine article, they found a note…ShiShi’s plea for help, followed by the directions Mad Dog took down for Dr. Buddy’s hideout.

Dr. Buddy was tying ShiShi to the bed in his “insemination chamber.” ShiShi pleaded with Dr. Buddy to spare her honor, explaining that, contrary to her trampy stage persona, she was still a virgin. Undeterred, Dr. Buddy was about to deflower ShiShi when Dr. Weeds and Cecil burst in. Dr. Weeds (in Cecil’s body) jammed a gun into Dr. Buddy’s crotch and fired.

Tillie asked Vladimir to marry her. She asked him a number of questions about his suitability as a husband, until he pointed out that she hadn’t asked the most important question of all: “Do I love you?” Vladimir and Tillie declared their love for each other, and kissed passionately.

Mad Dog arrived at the “insemination chamber” to find the gravely wounded Dr. Buddy. Dr. Buddy informed Mad Dog that “Little Buddy” had been blown away onto the wall. He sobbed that he only wanted a baby for the two of them, but that it would never happen now. Suddenly, Mad Dog’s bowels went into labor. (See? I told you that all-corn diet would be relevant later on.)

Alone at the bar, Bert found Mad Dog’s list of associates in the Gay Mafia. He called up the first name on the list, and did a perfect Mad Dog impression to invite the whole gang to the hotel. Dennis came in and warned Bert that Mad Dog had gone insane. Bert replied that Mad Dog had been insane for 27 years, but agreed that he’d gone too far this time. To show his appreciation for all the good work Dennis had done, Bert appointed the vulture consigliere of the Caponé family. Then he pulled the tassels off Dennis’ chest. Bert told Dennis that their first target was Mad Dog Maddox.

Dr. Weeds, Cecil and ShiShi were driving back to the hotel. ShiShi tried to explain to the body-switched duo how she felt about both of them, then told them to turn on the radio to PEACH-94.9. To demonstrate her feelings, she called in a dedication of “Close to You” and sang along.